Chapter Text
In the Grand Line, there is a ship. They say it looks like it came out of a dream, big enough to house a small village, with cannons that appear out of smooth wood and structures unlike any other. They say it is made of materials people would never dare combine, in a ship no less, with extravagant shapes and sizes to serve for the simplest of things.
They say the crew are the oddest of the odd- a man with eyed wings; another with a silver tongue so persuasive not even his crewmates are safe; a woman with skin too cold to be alive; twins with the same name, one a fishwoman and one a cat mink, who act so similar one might say they are the same, if that was possible.
They say wolves run wild on its deck, barking and howling and playing, a hooded woman in the middle overseeing them. They say a human turns to a wolf without the aid of a devil fruit; that a deer mink with human skin can make you run just by looking at you. They say there's a man with flaming hair, and that someone in there has intellect that rivals Vegapunk's.
Everybody knows this: if you see the Life pirates, run.
Even more people know this: the Life pirates will renew your country for free and you will not get a say in it.
They will run your resources dry- not your money, no, unless you meet some unspecified circumstances, but your natural resources? Your native wood, the minerals you weren't even aware of? They will take it and mix it with their own, and out of it will rise buildings higher and sturdier than there ever had been before. In their hands, small villages turn to miniature cities, complete with buildings no one has any use for. They tend to be mostly empty, and sometimes their backs are undone completely, but they are sturdier than earthquakes and cozier than anything else.
You will, again, not have a say in whether or not this happens to you.
Rumor has it, the World Government is after them- that they've escaped 3 buster calls now. Rumor has it, they're in covenant with the Revolutionary Army, some kind of reconstruction unit to get people to see "here's what you could have without these people in charge".
(If that's true, then it's working. Not that anyone would ever say it aloud.)
Some say the people in that crew have died before their very eyes, then came back fine minutes later, their dead body vanishing in the air. Insane rumors, made up by a madman, of course, but if it was real, then surely it's the work of a powerful devil fruit. That would explain the World Government's obsession.
(Few people know this, and even fewer dare mention it, but once it was said the Life pirates fought a Gorousei and lived.)
It's said the Life pirates single-handedly solved half the homelessness issues in the planet. This is, of course, not Government-sanctioned information, so people avoid joking about it.
People say that that crew is heading to the New World. No one knows what they want, exactly, but once a reporter got close enough to ask, and they said: "Hm? Oh, we're just goofin' around. Hope we're not causing too much trouble!"
—
"You seen the news yet, Grian?"
Etho drops the newspaper on the table, right next to the railing where Grian is perched. They're high up, in one of the watchtower-esque things they built instead of a normal, sensible crow's nest. It's not that they didn't try to get a classic pirate vibe going, it's just that after the first month it was too little and they had a lot to do with their time.
This is their 5th ship. Just for the record.
"Urgh, no, I haven't. News are boring , Etho! I'm so bored ! … When do we get to the next island?"
Etho simply taps on the newspaper again. "You won't be bored if you read the news."
Grian rolls his eyes. "Fine. What could possibly…"
He trails off, eyes scanning over the paper quickly, before he squawks, "They're BACK??"
Grian can feel Etho's smug little smile under the mask. "Yup! Our favorite property wreckers."
"I thought they'd died after… Marineford?"
"So did the rest of the world," says Cleo, whose head is just peeking out of the stairs that lead into the room. "Looks like we're gonna be busy soon."
Etho chuckles. "I've heard they already wrecked Sabaody some…"
Grian groans, still staring at the paper. "That's out of our hands, too much government." He finally looks up, to Cleo. "They're going to the New World, aren't they?"
Etho nods, while Cleo, now leaning against the railing, chimes in with "Scott says they have to pass through Fishman Island for that, so that's where we're headed."
"Am I the last to know these things?" Grian complains.
Etho raises his hands in mock surrender. "Hey, we couldn't find you anywhere! It's not our fault!"
Cleo, making a point out of ignoring him, says, "I wonder how we're gonna build underwater… Lizzie has experience with it, right?"
Etho shrugs. "I don't know. I wasn't in Empires."
Grian, at Cleo's questioning eyes, says, "Don't look at me," to which she just sighs.
"Anyway, she'll probably be doing the most out of all of us. Mermaid form and all."
Etho adds, "and Bdubs can't swim."
Cleo nods. "And Bdubs can't- I'm sorry, what?"
"He ate the fruit?!" asks Grian. It's more of an indignant squawk, but still. "The fruit we specifically told everyone not to eat, because half our money for the entire next 3 months depended on selling it? That one? That fruit?"
Etho, who is now dangerously close to understanding why 'don't kill the messenger' is a saying, laughs awkwardly. "I, uh, you didn't know?"
"NO!"
"Martyn dared him to! He couldn't not!"
—
"Do you think," Bdubs says, staring at the wall as though it holds all the answers to life, "the mortal soul could ever truly connect with the Universe?"
"Bdubs, I swear, if you ask this type of thing again I'm shoving another one of those in your mouth."
He drops his head against the table, consequently muffling his whine of "But you don't understand! It tasted so bad!"
Just to make his point, Bdubs uses his newfound powers to make a particularly bad-smelling flower grow out of a bit of moss near Joel and spray polen on his face.
Joel coughs, waving at the air while moving away from the little flower. "Don't use your blumming powers on me!"
From his seat, opposite to Joel (who isn't even sitting anymore), Martyn laughs. "Put blooming on that!"
"Not blooming, blummin', you stinky- it smells so bad! What is wrong with you!"
With a wave of Bdubs's hand, moss covers the flower completely, efficiently ending the smell with it. "Not nearly as bad as how that stupid fruit tasted," he grumbles.
Martyn, whose chair is propped on the back legs and swinging back and forth dangerously, says, "Oh, come on, you like the powers, don't you-"- Bdubs reaches out a hand to touch Martyn's face, making a small patch of sticky moss grow on his face- "hey!"
"Yeah, yeah, say whatever you want. You 're not the one who can't use the pool anymore."
Joel snorts. "Bdubs wearing floaties."
Bdubs sputters a little. "Bdubs will not be wearing any floaties, thank you very much!"
“Actually,” Martyn muses, “wouldn’t he just go limp, even with the floaties?”
“I’m right here, you know!”
“20 berries he nearly drowns, with the floaties on.” Says Joel.
Martyn, sly grin and all, says “20 berries he gets drained of all color like a cartoon character.”
“HEY!”
“Deal.” That’s Joel, extending a hand for Martyn to shake, which he does. Bdubs gets up with a loud scrape of his chair, stomps out of the room, and just for good measure, blooms about 20 of those bad smelling flowers on scattered moss patches all over the kitchen before closing the door.
—
“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen and the CP agent stuck in the basement! Rise and shine! Today’s announcements aren’t too far from the usual. For everyone looking for a tasty breakfast, remember to steer clear from the main kitchen, backup kitchen #1 and backup kitchen #2! Backup kitchen #2 was recently set on fire by Tango,-” (“It was an accident!”) “while backup kitchen #1 is still giving visitors a sense of depth about the universe and their own insignificance before its sheer magnitude, making you lose yourself in the twists and turns of doors that should not be there and halls none of us built. Spooky, huh! The main kitchen is, as we all know, still covered in blood, as no one wants to deal with the stench. Yikes.”
“And of course, if anybody wants to share, Mumbo is currently making himself some toast.” (“Wha- stop watching me!”) “Of course, if you want some, check for redstone beforehand- you never know what a redstoner is doing with their food.” (“I’ll have you know redstone is a perfectly healthy snack.”)
"Our very own lovely Bdoubleo is officially unable to swim! For those who don't know, Bdubs ate that devil fruit we were going to sell to get rich. He is now a moss man, having eaten the moss moss no mi, although I'm not sure how exactly that lets him do half the things he's been doing with it."
"But worry not! I, as the resident businessman, have secured a foolproof plan to get the money anyway. You can thank me later."
"Our favorite property wreckers are back in action! I refer, of course, to the Strawhat crew- the one we all love and missed and who gave us just so much stuff to do. Remember Alabasta? Oh, the good times, how they fly… We're currently headed for Fishmen Island, and by the time we get there expect the place half blown to smithereens, so get those blueprints ready and those chests sorted."
"Now, for external announcements, be on the look-out for World Government agents or Marines. As we all know, some CP agents tried sneaking in and ended up in the cursed basement, so it's only natural the WG tries to come for them. Not that they'll succeed, mind you- the dogs have been getting hungry, and we're running out of meat for them."
"Speaking of the dogs, I feel sorry for whoever is on deck cleaning duty today. Tilly the Third had diarrhea. I would love to help with that, but unfortunately I will be very busy all day doing very important things. Good luck!"
—
In the Grand Line, there is a ship. It houses people with bounties up in the billions, and secrets the World Government would go to the depths of the universe to keep.
Today, this ship slowly makes its way to the New World.
And no one but its inhabitants are ready for it.