Chapter Text
***
“John, this offer will not be available for long. If you are just thinking about it, I would just sign now, because we expect there to be some… complications later on. Privacy breaches are going to be a bigger issue once this project goes fully public, so I wouldn’t risk it then. This way you can be sure you’ll be the only one with access to… whatever it is that you’re looking to recreate. I’m not judging!” The lady raises her hands up to her shoulders, with a sly smile. “It’s not about the money, even. You lot are getting a pretty sweet deal, barely enough to make this operative. However I can’t say if it will ever be this simple again” John sighs. He’s sitting on the most comfortable chair ever known to mankind, yet, he can’t shake off the feeling of unease.
When the club first came up with the proposal, they all thought this would be a fun social media piece: « Come with me to relive my first goal », or maybe « That time when I almost lost my knee now in VR ». Funny in retrospect, entertaining even. However, since then everything has been so closed off to the general public, now he is second guessing why they were even approached about this, what is the reasoning behind it? And most importantly, he can’t seem to be able to pick a different, better memory. He feels guilty because he’s done a lot– so much more than he could’ve imagined, and yet he’s stuck on this. This person, nonetheless. This guy.
“What happens if I lock in the offer but I’ve not decided on a specific memory yet?”
“Don’t worry, darling, we’ve got a specialized team ready to help you with that. You can go the usual route with the help of a biographer and some statistic experts to assist you in choosing the happiest day of your life! You can do what most people are doing, choose from pre-established categories. Most fathers choose the birth of their first children, you know?”
“I actually fainted during labor so it’s not a very pleasant idea for me”
“Oh, I apologize! Well, we also have a counseling team, if you’d prefer. We cannot recreate memories that you don’t have, but from what you do have, we have some wiggle room. You’ll be able to interact inside the simulation, to an extent”
“So, regrets…”
“Regretful memories aren’t very much recommended, as they have shown to induce unpleasant side effects in participants and instability to the core machine. However, you know, sometimes we’re happy and we don’t even realize it at the moment. So you can go back and re-enjoy some things that you couldn’t appreciate at the time, maybe! Isn’t that wonderful?”
“Yeah… I guess. I’ll have to get back at you, is that okay?”
“Absolutely, I’m here until 4.30! Come by anytime” He stands up from his seat, feeling strangely numb “Oh and John, if you run into Jack will you let him know his contract is ready? I would call him but I know how busy you all are with training, I’m already on thin ice with Pep about smuggling you here, even if you finished your PT session”
“I will do that, I’m going back to train with the guys right after lunch”
“Amazing, thank you! Maybe you can talk to him about this, he’s so excited! Might give you some perspective”
“Thanks, Marion. Goodbye” John quickly turns around and reaches the door, the hallway, and suddenly the pitch in record time. “Hey, Grealo. Can I talk to you for a sec?”
“Tell you what, I’ll finish this lap and then I have to get some lunch so let’s eat together?”
“Sounds good”
Jack plops down on the seat next to John, carrying his tray full of different snacks and no discernable
real
food. He has a sip of juice before disproportionately sighing and finally looking at John:
“So, what’s up?”
“First of all, Marion said that you can sign your contract. You know, for the AI memory chamber thingy?” his face lights up, as he nods “She also said I might want to talk to you about it, since I’m on the fence about signing for that”
“Oh, you should definitely do it, Stonesy. It’s going to be so great. It’s just a couple grand, so even if you don’t like it it’s no skin off you back, is it? Like, I didn’t even think about it”
“What are you choosing? As your memory?”
“Me, I thought that night where we won the first Champions League, mate. I was knackered! And then I was plastered. I passed out at one point, d’you remember that?”
“Can’t say I was doing much better myself, mate”
“Well yeah, but like, the party must’ve been mind blowing, don’t you think? Besides, I made a call that night and I’d love to know what I said” John raises an eyebrow. “Nothing major, just someone special. I'd like to hear his voice”
“Is he not around anymore”
“Nah I see him everyday” he laughs heartily ‘so whatever I said back then worked. I'd just like to find out what it was, that's all”
“I heard… well it's not like you can know the truth, can you? It's just something the AI generates based on-”
“-your memories and the data available, yeah. I mean it's intelligence, innit? It's going to know”
“Jack, I don't think that's how that works”
“You know how it works and you're not even going to try it out, Stonesy? C'mon, it'll be fun at least”
Right after training, John finds himself walking down the hallway, back to Marion’s temporary office at City.
“Knock knock?” He says awkwardly, even though the door is open and Marion saw him come in “I’ve given it some thought”
“I hope you come bearing good news” she peers at him over her glasses and then opens a drawer. “Because I already drafted your contract. You can take it home, go over it. I’ll lock your spot with the deposit today, if you wish”
“I’ll sign right now. Can I come in for a minute?”
“Sure, here you go, take a seat!”
He sits back down on the comfy chair. Flipping over the pages, not paying much attention. He is used to having other people going over these things, look after him. His manager even said not to do it, his father unsure. He sighs, then signs with the pen provided.
“This is not going to become public, then?”
“The project? Most likely, yes. If these trials are successful enough, and I am sure that they will be. You being a willing participant? John, there’s nothing to be ashamed of! You’ll choose a perfectly happy memory and have a great time. Don’t even worry about it”
That’s asking too much. That’s asking so, very much. He is going to worry so much he might throw up- in fact, he has to run back to the toilets when he gets so nauseous he can’t even see straight.
“Fuck” he mutters as the taste of bile invades his tongue, burning his insides. As John sits there for a minute trying to regain composure, there is only one person on his mind.
***
“Good morning, mister Stones”
“Please, for the love of god, call me John”
“I’m so sorry, mister John. Sir, right this way please!” The guy must not be over twenty-one. His face is spotless, barring a tiny mole under his left eye. His skin contrasts with the blinding whiteness of his lab coat, which he fills perfectly well, assured in his gait even though his hands are shaking slightly. “My name is Marc and I am actually in charge of the project, John” he says with a little bit more certainty once they reach the privacy of a small office, most likely his “I am also a big fan” he smiles shyly.
“Oh! Glad to hear, it’s nice to meet you, Marc” they shake hands and the younger guy gestures at him to sit down.
“So, I hear you had some doubts going into the program, and I’d like to clear any questions you may have. Because I’ll be honest, John” he pauses to look him in the eye dramatically “This project here is my baby, and I’d love for this to go well. You probably won’t remember this, and I won’t be offended if you didn’t choose this as your memory!” He laughs while John looks at him, a little confused “You see, I went to the Etihad for the first time, many years ago. My parents had gotten divorced, and I never got to see my dad anymore because he left my mum for another woman”
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that” John says, but the smile on Marc’s face doesn’t falter.
“My mum took it upon her to give me incredible experiences. And on that day, was the first game that she came with me. On that day, you gave me your shirt after a match. It was like confirmation that everything will be okay, that everything will go my way.
Ever since then, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of happiness in a bottle” They both laugh at this “Wouldn’t that be great? I think I came quite close with this”
“Do you, now?”
“With the use of artificial intelligence and virtual reality, as well as the newer technologies of nerve stimulators that can emulate outdoor sensation, we could already simulate or recreate pretty much any scenario, really. Even people, although there were some uncanny valleys going on, not gonna lie! But with this” he holds up a neural clip in his hand “we can scan the memories inside your brain, and get you to interact with the most realistic experience of yourself” John nods, already went over this with Marion and all the other reps who first introduced the project at the club “There is a minor setback, though. You see, we calibrated the entire system and algorithms with happy people, happy memories. It’s not necessarily equipped to deal with so much regret or sadness. We did extensive psychological checks on every subject, and the new possible candidates, as we’ve done with you. You did score a bit higher on our depression screening, which is not necessarily a bad thing, at all” he pauses for a moment “They advised me not to tell you this because it will skew our data, but I just really want this project to succeed for you, and I want to give you a happy moment such as you did for me. So please, John, if I may suggest… Choose a place where you’ll be truly happy, not a place where you might lose yourself. That way it will go smoothly and I can assure you you will have a great time” John chuckles.
“Why would I choose an unhappy place to go to?”
“I’m not saying you would, just a little friendly reminder. Now, it seems your chamber is ready, if you would follow me this way” he announces as he rises from his spot after seeing his smartwatch flash blue a few times. They enter a small room that looks a lot like what John remembers his first pediatrician’s office looked like, and another tech is waiting inside. She welcomes John and ushers him on a scale, then they take all his vital signs and get ready to start working.
“We will do a test round to make sure everything is working perfectly well, and then we will leave you to it. As you very well know, you have to concentrate on the memory, we have here all the notes you came up with along with our counselor, and you can re-read them as much as you like. Just remember to close your eyes and concentrate on visualizing as much as you can so that it will be the most accurate and enjoyable once you’re in. However you can rest easy that our AI is very well fed and it will fill in the gaps for you, most of the time it’s so seamless!” she explains, excitedly. “Once we’re done with the memory collection, you’ll receive the set up for your memory chamber at your residence, Mister Stones. It’ll take three days”
“Great, yeah, thanks. Let’s get started, then!”
Sitting there with clips and cables attached to him does not feel that much different than getting his extensive medical checks at the club, actually.
Thinking in depth about another man while doing so isn't that atypical either. He's had plenty of lovers, one more beautiful than the next, being no stranger to reminiscing about the past instead of moving on for years on end. Strangely, that wasn’t the case with Jordan. Most notably because he was not his lover, but also because they still keep in touch occasionally, so he shouldn’t be missed as much. But what John truly remembers with fondness and the idea that he is trying to recreate is the happiness and freedom he only felt they could experience together, and he hasn’t been able to feel that way again ever since that particular afternoon. Something changed, even if they didn’t realize at the time, a shift that rendered their relationship fruitless way before it could bloom.
Regret.
That’s the tinge on the base of his spine.
«This regret is about what came after, not about this day» he rationalizes, and continues to visualize. If he concentrates hard enough, he can smell the grass after just being cut, the scrape on his knee where he fell down that day. He can see it all so clearly, he can only hope the machine can too.
***
It took them two weeks to get back to him.
After citing some scheduling issues and the fact that he signed in at the last possible moment as causes for the delay, they finally informed John that he would be receiving his memory chamber the next day. He was conveniently off that Tuesday, resting in between training sessions.
Two whole weeks of waiting, anxious skin picking and nail biting for these whole seven minutes of memory.
It takes him the entire afternoon to muster the courage to go in.
Carefully considering the control panel outside, he activates the simulation with his fingerprint, and steps on the marked spot. The door automatically closes and he’s left in the dark for a few moments. After a second or two more, he starts hearing some distant noise and he dares to open his eyes. John finds that he can move around, although it feels a bit strange.
Before he can register anything else, the smell of freshly cut grass hits his nostrils and his eyes fill up with tears.
✦✦✦