Work Text:
Asano Gakushuu has been skilled with makeup since his first year of junior high. It wasn’t a skill his father had forced him to learn; for once he’d chosen to learn it, albeit mainly for the sake of covering the awful shadows under his eyes resulting from the poor sleeping habits he’d already developed at the age of thirteen. His childhood friend Ren had been happy to teach him basic concealer and contouring, and offered to teach him more if he ever wanted.
Two years later, in the aftermath of almost an entire year’s worth of suffering far more than usual at his father’s hands, Gakushuu had called Ren again and asked him how to use makeup to cover scars.
Now, at seventeen, slowly making his way through his second year of high school, Gakushuu is so skilled both at makeup and at keeping secrets that Ren remains the only other person who knows the visible surface of Gakushuu’s forearms isn’t real. It is instead a layer of waterproof concealer atop rows and rows of neat lines, all roughly equal in length, mostly evenly spaced. The other virtuosos don’t know this. He’s fairly certain his own father can’t tell the difference between the makeup and Gakushuu’s own skin.
He’s completely certain his boyfriend of a year and a half, Akabane Karma, can’t tell the difference.
And therein lies the issue. Karma can’t tell. Of course he can’t, because he doesn’t know.
And Gakushuu knows he should tell him. He knows Karma well enough---trusts Karma well enough---to know he’ll face no judgement from the redhead. He knows Karma knows about the intense pressure Gakushuu’s suffered under since he was young, the expectations placed upon him by his father. He’s certainly heard enough of Karma’s past that Gakushuu disclosing parts of his own is long overdue.
But still....
★ ☆ ★
Karma invites Gakushuu over at least twice a week, often more. He’s admitted to Gakushuu before that part of the reason for the frequent invites is because, with Karma’s parents traveling abroad all the time, the house gets too lonely for him. Gakushuu accepts the invitation every time. He’ll bring his backpack with him so they can study for a while; whenever Karma inevitably gets bored, they’ll take a break, and Gakushuu will start cooking dinner for them both. They’ll eat together at the dining room table (or sometimes on the couch, if Karma is dead set on comfier seating); Karma will wash the dishes and clean up whatever kitchen tools Gakushuu didn’t clean during the cooking process. The plan after dinner varies from more studying to reading together to watching anime under blankets. Sometimes, only if Gakushuu verbally agrees to it, Karma will place an arm over his shoulders or around his waist.
It’s on one of these nights, with Gakushuu tucked safely against Karma’s side, that Gakushuu first thinks about telling him. But despite how close they’ve become, he finds he’s terrified by the idea.
So he tries something a little different.
“Karma?” Gakushuu starts carefully, when the volume of their current anime episode temporarily lulls. “I have a favor to ask.”
“Of course, strawberry shortcake,” Karma says at once. “What is it? Want me to pause the episode for a sec?”
Gakushuu rolls his eyes at the nickname; they’re the same height. “You don’t have to, it won’t take long to explain.”
Perhaps hearing something in his voice, Karma pauses the episode anyways and turns to get a better look at Gakushuu’s face. “What’s up?”
Gakushuu smiles slightly at Karma’s undivided focus. For all his old delinquent habits and rebellious tendencies, the redhead is an incredibly committed boyfriend. Gakushuu finds it very sweet. His smile fades when he remembers what he’s about to ask, though.
“There’s something I haven’t told you. Something important,” Gakushuu says. “And I want to tell you. It’s not fair of me to keep secrets from you after everything you’ve told me. But I need a little more time. I’d like to ask for your patience on this. I promise I’ll tell you soon, alright?”
For a long moment, Karma just looks at him, seemingly searching for something in his expression, and Gakushuu is afraid he’ll want to know immediately. Then his stunning golden eyes soften, and he rubs his thumb over Gakushuu’s shoulder.
“Whatever it is, it’s important to you. You know I won’t push on something like that.”
It’s true; he wouldn’t. Gakushuu knows this. Back in third year of junior high, yes, Karma would have pushed. He’d have stopped at nothing to get what he wanted. But Gakushuu had made it clear during the early stages of their friendship that he would not accept any forced discussions about his past, and Karma, to his surprise and relief, had readily agreed.
Still, Gakushuu feels more at ease having confirmation that the agreement still stands. He finds himself smiling again, reaching up to brush ruby hair away from Karma’s face; he chuckles a bit as Karma leans into the touch.
“Thank you,” Gakushuu murmurs.
Karma grins, beautifully pointed canines glinting, then leans forward and places a kiss on Gakushuu’s nose. Gakushuu’s cheeks grow warm, but he doesn’t pull away.
“No problem,” Karma says. “Tell me whenever you’re ready.”
★ ☆ ★
A few weeks pass, and true to his word, Karma does not push.
Gakushuu, however, feels no more ready to tell him than he did before.
“You don’t have to tell him,” Ren says gently, when Gakushuu asks him for advice. “I don’t think he’d hold it against you for keeping this a secret.”
“But I want to tell him,” Gakushuu mumbles, head in his hands. (They’re at the library, having been trying to study before Gakushuu had finally caved and asked for help.) “I want him to know. I just....”
“You’re afraid of how he might react?”
He nods. “What if he finds them ugly? Or thinks I’m weak? It’s taken me long enough to learn how to let down my guard around him. I don’t want to unlearn that.”
Ren does not brush off his concerns, of course. They are far too close for that; knowing each other for so many years has brought a level of understanding that Gakushuu hopes they’ll never lose. It’s the same reason Ren also doesn’t comment on how tightly Gakushuu is gripping his own hair.
“Well, I’m no expert on Akabane,” Ren says, “but...I know he’s always respected you, even during your rivalry in junior high. I don’t believe he’d ever see you as weak.”
“But he could still find the scars ugly. And let’s face it, they are. They’re awful.”
“Gakushuu. Look at me.”
Gakushuu looks at him. Ren meets his gaze easily.
“They’re not ugly. You’re not ugly,” Ren says. “I know that, and I’m certain he’ll know it too. We both already know he’s been head over heels for you for years. That’s not going to change any time soon.”
He knows this. But he sighs anyways.
“I’m going to tell him,” Gakushuu says, more to himself than to Ren. “I want him to know the truth.”
“Listen, Gakushuu, if you need anything, call me,” Ren tells him, brushing a hand lightly across Gakushuu’s upper arm. “I’ll pick you up and we’ll go get dessert at that nice café near my place.”
Gakushuu nods once. “I will, I promise.”
★ ☆ ★
He decides on the very next day. (If he doesn’t act soon he’ll change his mind completely.)
Conveniently, Karma invites him over that day. Gakushuu accepts, of course, and on the way to Karma’s place he stops by a convenience store to pick up a pack of makeup wipes.
If he can’t bring himself to tell Karma about the scars, maybe he can just show him instead.
It’s a pretty normal evening. Gakushuu makes butter chicken and fried rice for dinner, and they continue their current anime while they eat on the couch. But when Karma stands to take their dishes to the sink, Gakushuu grabs him by the sleeve to stop him from leaving. Karma looks back down at him, humming in place of a verbal question.
“The thing I asked for your patience with,” Gakushuu says after a brief hesitation. “When you get done with the dishes, I’m going to tell you.”
“Alright,” Karma replies, pressing a quick kiss to the top of Gakushuu’s head. “I’ll take care of these. Let me know if you need more time.”
Gakushuu nods and lets go of Karma’s sleeve; Karma offers a half-grin before retreating towards the kitchen.
He won’t think I’m weak. He won’t.
It’s harder to convince himself now that he’s here.
Inhaling shakily, Gakushuu grabs the pack of makeup wipes out of his bag on the floor and pulls one out.
He always hates this part. Partly because he’s gotten so used to the feel of makeup over his skin that removing it feels too strange. Mostly because he absolutely despises the sight of what lies beneath. He wonders briefly if it’s too late to change his mind.
(Yes, it is. And he does want Karma to know.)
Removing the makeup is a quick enough process. He’s very practiced, after all. He tries not to look too closely, even though he already knows every mark by heart; he tries not to push too hard against his skin and make himself sore. He’s done a few seconds before Karma calls out from the kitchen to let him know all the dishes have been cleaned.
Gakushuu curls both his hands into fists.
“I’m ready,” he calls back, pretending his voice isn’t shaking. “You can come back now.”
He doesn’t turn to look towards the kitchen. In fact, he doesn’t move at all, instead listening for Karma’s footsteps drawing closer. The redhead’s footsteps have always been near silent, but he always makes them louder when he’s with Gakushuu after the first time he saw the strawberry blond flinch when someone crept up on him. By now, Gakushuu knows his walking pattern by heart.
He only raises his head when he hears Karma’s steps pause for the briefest of moments. Gakushuu turns to watch as Karma continues his approach as steadily as before, sitting slowly back down beside Gakushuu. The entire time, his bright golden eyes are fixed only on Gakushuu’s face, and Gakushuu does his best to keep meeting his gaze.
“Sorry, did I startle you?” Karma asks quietly. “You looked so scared, I hesitated for a second.”
“I’m alright,” Gakushuu says. “I just thought...maybe you’d seen over my shoulder. And I wanted to see your face.”
“Of course. What is it?”
He only hesitates for one more second before extending his forearms towards Karma, scars facing up. Karma’s focus flicks downward, and Gakushuu braces himself for the shock and disgust he’s certain is coming---
“Ah,” Karma breathes. “I see.”
It’s unreadable. Gakushuu hates it. He tears his gaze away to glare at the table instead, furiously ignoring the way his throat is already starting to tighten.
“Shuu, look at me? Please?”
For possibly the first time ever, Gakushuu hears a slight tremor in Karma’s voice, but he doesn’t look away from the table.
“...may I touch them?”
That gets his attention. When he jerks his head back towards Karma, he sees the redhead is---smiling?
Yes. Smiling. Gentler than his usual wide grin, and bittersweet in a way he doesn’t quite understand.
“You can touch them,” Gakushuu quietly concedes.
And Karma immediately takes him by surprise yet again as he raises Gakushuu’s wrist to his face and places a feather-light kiss on one of the scars, then another, and another. He keeps going, placing kisses against every single line, eyes almost completely closed as he makes his way across Gakushuu’s forearm. Gakushuu feels his eyes begin to water and he tries not to shake (and fails).
“You were afraid I’d think less of you,” Karma says quietly, pausing briefly between two particularly red scars---a set of cuts that had been longer and deeper than usual. “I don’t, Gakushuu. If anything I think even higher of you now.”
Gakushuu is still trembling as he says, “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“They show you’re human, just like me. I have them too.”
“You---? You do?”
Karma straightens up and lifts the bottom of his shirt, revealing a set of jagged scars across his sides and above his stomach, right over his ribs. They’re not in neat lines like Gakushuu’s, and they’re a wide range of sizes and angles, but they’re unmistakably caused by the same thing.
“The first time I picked up a razor blade, I wasn’t just trying to use the pain to feel something,” Karma murmurs, still not looking away from Gakushuu’s stunned expression. “I wasn’t numb. I was angry. At myself, mostly. So I picked here instead. I knew it would hurt. I’m too used to arm wounds, you know, what with all the fights I got into in junior high.”
Gakushuu reaches out slowly, then hesitates, tilting his head in question; when Karma nods permission, he very lightly brushes his fingertips above the largest of the scars, an uneven mark beneath where Karma’s left hand is still holding up his shirt. Karma does not flinch, gazing steadily at Gakushuu. Unlike what he can tell of most of the other scars, the tissue of this particular scar forms a hard ridge, and it takes a moment to realize why: the wound was large enough to have needed stitches.
After only a brief moment, Karma answers the question Gakushuu has yet to ask. “It was a while back. Sometime around junior high graduation. Nagisa had to call Karasuma to take me to the hospital.”
“You were mourning your teacher,” Gakushuu notes softly.
“Yeah. Truth be told, a lot of these are from then. But after that big one, I was careful not to cut too deep. The look on Nagisa’s face that night---I never wanted to see it again.”
“How did you find the strength to tell him?”
“I didn’t,” Karma says. “He’d been staying over that night to avoid his mother and walked in on me trying to stop the bleeding. I’d left the door partway open by mistake. And that’s the other reason this whole situation just makes me think higher of you.”
Karma carefully takes Gakushuu’s hand in his own and kisses the back of it, then rubs his thumb across the spot his lips had just touched. Gakushuu does not pull away.
“Do you realize how strong you are, to choose to tell me yourself? It took me so long to learn to show weakness even around my closest friends. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell you about my scars until I realized you have them too. You’re so strong, Shuu, I’ve always known that. And it’s a strength of yours that you’re willing to be vulnerable with me right now.”
“I thought you’d be horrified,” Gakushuu whispers. “These scars, they’re---I couldn’t imagine an outcome where you wouldn’t find them terrible, or ugly. I thought you’d pity me. But you---”
He doesn’t finish, throat closing and vision blurring as tears finally escape his eyes; Karma doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Gakushuu, somehow knowing without being told that it’s exactly what he needs. Gakushuu buries his nose into the soft spot between Karma’s neck and collarbone, eyes shut tight, while Karma rubs slow, soothing circles on his back.
“Thank you for trusting me with this,” Karma says. “And I promise I’d never think badly of you for being vulnerable with me, alright? What kind of partner would I be if I did, anyways?”
Despite his tears, Gakushuu manages a slight, breathy laugh. “I suppose that’s true.”
“Mm. Do you want some dessert? I think I still have some of that pudding Kayano brought over last week. Or we can just stay like this for a while. Completely up to you.”
He thinks about it for a moment, then says, “Dessert sounds nice. But after that...I wouldn’t say no to more of this.”
“Of course,” Karma replies. “Anything you want.”
Gakushuu lifts his head to look at his boyfriend’s face and feels his own expression soften.
“Thank you,” Gakushuu says. Or, as he and Karma know he really means: I love you.
Sure enough, Karma grins widely, eyes shining.
“You’re welcome,” Karma says. The unspoken I love you too.
I guess showing him my scars wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
★ ☆ ★
That night, while Karma is in the shower, Gakushuu calls Ren. His childhood friend picks up by the second ring.
“I told him,” Gakushuu says at once, before Ren can speak.
The worry in Ren’s voice is clear as he asks, “Did it go well?”
“...it did, yes. You were right.”
“Good. I’m glad.” Ren sighs in relief. “You know, it’s funny---we always thought Akabane was the worst of the E-class students, and yet the moment you two started seeing each other he started treating you like a prince. Even though he’s still arrogant and annoying sometimes. No offense.”
“None taken,” Gakushuu says with a small smile. “For what it’s worth, I didn’t see this coming either. I’m just glad he gets along with you all sometimes. That’s more than I expected.”
“He’s not so bad anymore. Whatever happened back in junior high really changed him.”
“It changed us too.”
“True,” Ren conceded. “You’re staying the night there again?”
“You could not pay me enough to get out of this bed,” Gakushuu says, “this mattress is the best I’ve ever slept on. And he has so many soft blankets.”
Ren chuckles fondly and says, “Fair enough. I won’t keep you any longer, then; I’m sure you can’t wait to spend more time with your ‘bitter rival’.”
“Two years and I still can’t live that down---how was I supposed to know what having a crush on a boy would feel like?”
“Mm-hmm. Right. Well, let me know if you need anything. Have a good night. And, Gakushuu?”
“Yes?”
“I’m really proud of you for telling Akabane about your scars.”
“Thank you,” Gakushuu says honestly. “Good night, Ren. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”
“Of course.”
Ren hangs up just as Karma re-enters the room, towel wrapped around his waist and bright red hair still visibly damp. Gakushuu smiles slightly in his direction; Karma gives him a little wave.
“Sakakibara, I assume?” he says, gesturing to Gakushuu’s phone.
Gakushuu nods. “He was the one who encouraged me to open up about the scars. Until tonight, he was the only one who knew.”
“Makes sense, you two were childhood friends. I’m glad he knew already,” Karma says, coming over to sit on the edge of the bed. “I was a bit worried you might not have told anyone about them.”
“Ah. Well, Ren is the one who taught me how to use makeup to cover them, so it was kind of inevitable.”
“You don’t have to hide them around me,” the redhead suddenly blurts out. “If you don’t want to, I mean. If you do, it’s fine. I won’t think any less of you either way.”
Gakushuu feels a soft warmth in his chest at the reassurance.
“If I leave them visible,” Gakushuu says hesitantly, “will you kiss them again?”
The answer is immediate. “As much as you want. As much as you’ll let me.”
Gakushuu brushes his fingertips over the lines of his left forearm. For the first time in his life, he doesn’t feel the urge to run away at the sight and the feeling.
If Karma thinks these scars make me human, then it must be true.
“Then maybe I will leave them alone,” Gakushuu decides. “Sometimes. When it’s just you.”
Karma’s answering grin lights up the entire room. “Whatever it takes to get you to realize you’re amazing just the way you are.”
Then he pulls Gakushuu into a kiss, and there’s no more talking for a long while.