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"Tell me who you are," Ciel says quietly. "Explain to me what you have made yourself into."
They still lie in Ciel's bed, human and demon face to face, and Sebastian has not opened his eyes nor spoken in hours. Ciel has risen several times to reassure one or another of the servants who have come to his door to inquire after him worriedly. Finally, it is Tanaka who nods to him and says gently, "I will keep the others busy and allow you your space, young master. Only call if you should need anything."
Ciel is relieved. He has become quite irritated with the interruptions and it is not helping his attempt to bring his butler back to life.
Sebastian still does not open his eyes at Ciel's question but he does finally speak, so softly Ciel has to strain to catch every word. "I am not driven by emotions; I am logical. I find amusement in the world around me, in the petty inconveniences and joys of your race. I hold myself to a very high standard of perfection in all I do. If I am to do a job, I will do it correctly or not at all. I do not renege. I take pride in the things I create and the things I destroy."
A long silence stretches between them as Ciel considers these words. Then: "And how have you strayed from this identity so far that you are unraveling before my eyes?"
There is reluctance in his voice when Sebastian next speaks and perhaps this is a good sign. "I allowed myself to succumb to irrational emotion and lost track of my purpose and my equilibrium."
"Are you still afraid?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because experience is a greater teacher than all the words in all the books on this earth."
"Then, shouldn't that experience tell you that if I were to do as you fear, I would have done it long ago?"
"I only wish to know what to expect. So that I may handle it with the proper decorum. Who am I if I do not know how to act in a given situation."
Ciel's fingers stroke through Sebastian's hair in a mindless rhythm. It grounds them both as Ciel thinks and Sebastian waits.
"I have struck you in anger before. Before you told me of this."
"Yes, master," Sebastian says hollowly.
"Did that not have the same effect?"
"Yes."
"Then why should you need me to truly injure you? You have all the knowledge you require to function as you are. And if I say I will or will not do something, you of all people should know the extent of my sincerity. You are intimately familiar with my very soul."
"Yes," Sebastian acknowledges hesitantly.
But Ciel feels something shift. Something small but vital. Perhaps he is finally getting through to the creature, what ever that creature may be. Ciel is not afraid of that because this creature is his closest kin now.
"Is there a reason why you cannot pick up the pieces of the person you just described to me and rebuild that character?" Ciel asks gently.
"They do not fit where they should," the demon answers him. Ciel can feel Sebastian's warm breath against his own face and wonders when they drew so close to one another.
"What is different?"
"Where am I to fit this... mercy... you claim?"
"You create and destroy. Surely you know that this requires change. I should think even an immortal must change at some point or they will become unrecognizable to a world which leaves them behind. Am I wrong?"
"No," Sebastian says very, very softly. The word could have been simply a breath on the wind of the building storm.
Ciel closes his eyes. The world can wait a day for him. "Then, I order you to put the pieces of yourself back together and remember who you are, Sebastian. I do not expect it to be done immediately. I do not expect it to be an easy task. But this is irrational and that is not what you are by your own definition. So examine the facts and rationalize it."
"Yes. My lord." Sebastian speaks slowly, haltingly. But he does speak. And for the first time since the night before, he sounds almost normal.
* * *
Ciel thinks hard on his own words over the next days. Which turn to weeks. And then to months.
It is, indeed, a slow process but Sebastian does begin to come back to life. He performs his tasks with relaxed ease and the sparkle of sardonic amusement has returned to his eyes. There are times when Ciel will catch sight of him out of the corner of his eye and a chill will skitter unpleasantly down his spine because that dead look is perhaps the worst thing he has ever seen in anyone's eyes. But these moments become less and less frequent as the third and then the fourth month passes.
One night, as Sebastian kneels before him removing his shoes, Ciel asks quietly, "Do you know who you are?"
And Sebastian answers just as softly, "Nearly, my lord."
Ciel has found that having a purpose in his life other than revenge is comforting. Having someone to care for, to protect, is grounding. And he is in no way sorry that, in the end, he will give up everything to this creature. He has earned it and will continue to do so.
Ciel thinks, as he stares blindly through the carriage window, on an interminable trip from the city, that perhaps Sebastian had not known there was an alternative to the torment he had feared so desperately. It is deeply sad and Ciel resolves to create a new piece to slip into the puzzle of his demon's fabricated persona. After all, he has come to the conclusion that each creature is only what they choose to be. He could easily give in to the many unsavory urges which plague him daily—he is not a patient person after all—but he will not allow himself to sink so low as to injure his innocent cousin simply because her voice is so often grating. That is not the person he wishes to be. And so he refuses to be. What are any of us but the choices we make and the effort we devote to the face we display to the world?
So Ciel tries to offer comfort where he can and gentles his snappish outbursts with apologies and sincere entreaties. Sebastian is suspicious for quite a while but his eyes always close when Ciel reaches out to stroke his hair or touch his shoulder. These gestures become increasingly second nature to Ciel, to the point that he must check himself in public because English high society will gossip over anything. And with each nonthreatening caress, Sebastian relaxes another muscle and leans in. As he has said, experience is the greatest teacher. And Ciel is offering experience to support his word.
And seeing the gratitude in those crimson eyes when he gently kisses the smooth cheek in approval, warms Ciel to the core and helps him rise from his bed the next day.
* * *
Life continues apace. The world turns. On a cosmic scale, the crises of one immortal demon and his little mortal contractor are as insignificant as a single fly.
But the bullet that strikes Sebastian and tears through his chest feels like a knife in Ciel's side. The opium dealer they have captured on order of the Queen is not going down without a fight. And that is fine. Mostly fine. Except that he has managed one lucky shot and Ciel feels his heart seize. The man carries the blame for several deaths thanks to his questionable product so Ciel is not sorry when Sebastian, snarling and furious, rips open the man's throat with his bare hands. It is a bloody death, but a quick one.
This is not what concerns Ciel. Sebastian is bleeding. His demon is bleeding and Ciel cannot see his face to determine what he will have to face tonight. He fervently hopes he will not have to spend another night picking up broken pieces. He doesn't know what Sebastian will make of this. Because Ciel could have conceivably prevented it.
But when the demon turns, his expression is calm. He lifts Ciel with ease and begins to run, baring his master home on the wings of the dark. Ciel puts a hand to the torn hole in Sebastian's clothing and feels smooth, flawless flesh beneath his palm.
"Sebastian?"
"I am fine, master. It was merely a single bullet."
Merely a single shot. A single' lucky shot. And it was not by Ciel's hand. But he is still tense as Sebastian carries him all the way to his bed and sets him down with care.
"It is late and it has been a trying night. I believe you should rest, master."
"Perhaps," Ciel says quietly. "Perhaps I should."
Sebastian cocks his head curiously. "Master, what is the matter? You seem troubled."
Sebastian has knelt to begin the task of undressing Ciel and Ciel's fingers find their way into his hair with familiarity. The demon makes no objection as Ciel pets him. He has come to expect the touch and finds that it is not unpleasant. It calms him, allows him to settle and let all the pieces of himself fall into their proper place. There are still cracks in the character he should be, the one he remembers before this human broke him only to work so hard to piece him back together. Those cracks, they should be filled with pain and resentment and resignation. But they are instead being smoothed over by an entirely new offering of pleasure.
"Sebastian?"
"Yes, young master?"
Sebastian straightens and unties Ciel's eye patch. Ciel blinks open his marked eye and the seal is glowing softly.
"May I see? Where you were shot, I mean."
Sebastian frowns. "Is that an order, my lord?"
"No, it is a request."
"It would be quite unseemly for me to expose myself so before my master," Sebastian says calmly, beginning work on Ciel's buttons.
"Then, it is an order," Ciel says. "If it will ease your mind."
The demon shakes his head in dismay but obeys as he must. Abandoning his masters buttons, he instead unfastens his own down to his abdomen and pushes aside the layers of fabric to reveal his bear chest to Ciel's inquiring gaze. Ciel leans in closely, examining the flesh as though searching for any minute imperfection that would betray the trauma of only an hour ago. He finds none.
"It did not hurt you, Sebastian?"
"No, master."
Silently, Ciel reaches out and lays his hand over the place where the bullet pierced his demon's chest. Sebastian stops breathing, only his eyes indicating he is more than a statue. Ciel glances up to the beautiful face before moving his hand, stroking the soft skin beneath his palm. Sebastian releases his breath in a single gust of air and sinks to his knees before his master.
"My lord? I do not understand what you wish of me."
Ciel is silent for a while longer. There is curiosity growing in his eyes as well as some deeper need Sebastian doesn't understand. He has no context to understand the longing in his human's expression. Ciel, for his part, doesn't know why he is suddenly so desperate for confirmation but he is. He was shaken by the fear that he would lose his demon again tonight. Not to the bullet, but to Sebastian's own inner turmoils. And he wants tangible proof that Sebastian is still with him.
"Sebastian, lie down with me."
"My lord?"
"I want you to get into the bed with me," Ciel says clearly. Even in his young mind he understands how that could be interpreted. And, yes, he is curious and he will touch if Sebastian will permit it, but he is truly only seeking warmth and closeness.
So Sebastian gives it to him. Hesitantly and warily, but the demon does finish changing Ciel into his accustomed nightshirt before removing his own clothing down to his undergarments and sliding between the sheets alongside his master. He does not resist when Ciel wraps his arms around Sebastian's shoulders and pulls him closer, curling his small body into the demon's as though trying to mold their forms together. Sebastian has of course been in similar situations in the past few months but this is different. This is a very vulnerable position for both of them and the demon can feel the beginnings of anxiety threatening. This is new and he doesn't know what Ciel intends. He can read most humans like open books; he usually expects to be called to his master's bed at some point. But Ciel has proved himself different, unique, unpredictable. But really, wasn't that why Sebastian had chosen him? He is beautiful in his singularity.
"Why are you doing this, my lord?"
"Because I wanted you close to me. And there is no sense in either of us being uncomfortable."
"That is all?"
"Yes."
But Ciel's hands are stroking his back and Sebastian sighs and closes his eyes. Ciel has taught him to appreciate the simple sensations of touch and he is content to relish them as long as his master will grant him the pleasure.
Ciel is sleepy and Sebastian is lulled into a near trance by the small, hot hands running over his flesh with such gentleness. But Ciel's hands wander where they perhaps would not were the boy more aware of himself and Sebastian, who after all is inhabiting a fully functioning human body at the moment, finds himself becoming uncomfortably warm. His nerves seem to be more sensitive than he had known they could be. Multiplied tenfold. He had said that himself. He had not known the full extent of those words then.
Ciel's hand slides down over Sebastian's hip and tiny fingers trace the strong thigh muscles with painfully light touches. Sebastian shifts, unable to keep still. He should stop this. He should alert Ciel to what he is inadvertently doing. He should remove himself from the bed, using the excuse that Ciel had not specified that he must stay in the bed.
He opens his eyes and finds Ciel staring directly at him. He is sleepy, but he is certainly alert. And as the demon breathes deeply to settle himself, he notes that curiosity is all he can scent on Ciel's skin. Curiosity and a touch of arousal.
"Sebastian. You still don't fully believe that I want to show you pleasure rather than pain?"
"I am not certain, master. I can learn but ancient artifacts change very slowly."
"May I touch you?"
"You are touching me, master."
Ciel huffs in annoyance and a blush colors his cheeks. He knows very well what he is asking for but not precisely how to ask for it. Sebastian waits in silence.
"I mean, I want to touch all of you. I want to know what makes you feel good."
Sebastian gazes at Ciel with opaque eyes and whispers, "I'm yours to do with as you please."
"I want to know if you have any direct objections to this," Ciel says, trying to be as clear as possible.
"No, my lord. I will take what ever you wish to give me. This is new to me." Ciel has to concentrate to hear the last words, soft as they are.
He nods and smiles softly. "May I see you then?"
Without hesitation, Sebastian pushes the blankets off of himself and slips his undergarments off with ease. Demons have no use for shame and this is what his master wants. His master's wishes override everything.
Sebastian lies back, arms at his sides, legs slightly spread, open and exposed. He doesn't know what he expects but Ciel's touch surprises him. Ciel's gaze slides down the length of Sebastian's body from his face to the flat, well defined abdomen to the half erect member to the long, toned legs. This body is truly the perfect specimen of a human male. Ciel's cheeks are flushed darker than ever but he doesn't hesitate to lay his hands against the demon's chest.
Sebastian closes his eyes as Ciel's small, dexterous hands glide over his chest and shoulders. Down his arms and back up. Curious fingertips trace around his dark nipples and Sebastian jerks with the surprise of that sensation. Never before had a contractor offered to return the pleasure they demanded and he was unprepared for how much his body craved it. He should be frightened; this was just as irrational as the fear of before. But then, that had been born of unknowns and this was born of nerves and his master's direct actions. Perhaps this was not the same. And somehow Ciel's hands hold him together as the pieces of the being that was Sebastian shiver and find a new way to fit into each other.
"Master, please. Do that again?"
Ciel smiles, a spark of pride lighting in his chest at the request. He must be doing something right, then. He feels the demon give in to the soft touches and, more importantly, he feels Sebastian, whole and completely with him.
He repeats his previous action, gently runs his fingertips around the nubs, then strokes his fingers over them, fascinated as they harden beneath his touch. This is as much a learning experience for Ciel as it is for Sebastian. And Ciel finds his curiosity rising. He wonders if Sebastian's skin tastes as it smells, like vanilla and spice. He wants to make Sebastian shiver again, wants to do something to draw out that quiet plea for more.
Ciel leans in and tentatively presses his lips to Sebastian's jaw. The demon tenses slightly, then relaxes, sighing out his submission. Ciel lets his lips trail down to the demon neck, light, feathery kisses that tickled Sebastian's nerves and make him want to clutch Ciel to himself and teach him the true meaning of kissing. But he remains still, indulging Ciel's explorations. Maybe another time his master would wish to learn the many, many tricks of pleasure the demon has acquired in his long life. But now Ciel wants only to learn Sebastian's body.
The hot touch of a shy tongue draws a breathy moan from the demon's throat and Ciel glances up to catch his eyes. Sebastian offers a smile, a rare, sincere smile that makes Ciel blush all over again. He returns his attention to Sebastian's throat, kissing, licking, almost intuitively finding every one of the most sensitive spots. And those teasingly curious hands wander downward, reveling in the silky softness of flawless skin. Ciel will easily admit he has grown addicted to the feel of Sebastian's silken hair running over his hands. He knows very well he will quickly become addicted to this as well, to touching impossibly smooth skin and searching out every spot that makes Sebastian twitch or release another one of those tiny, airy sounds.
Ciel moves down the bed, reaching lower to run his hands down Sebastian's legs. He wants to touch all of him, as he had said. And he will. He is aware of Sebastian's rather impressive erection but some part of him instinctively wants to tease. Or perhaps he simply isn't ready to touch there yet. Either way, Ciel runs his fingers over Sebastian's ankles and kisses his abdomen. Sebastian is finding it increasingly difficult to keep still beneath the ministrations of his master's innocent hands, and he wants to beg. He wants to guide Ciel's hands to where he needs to be touched. He watches Ciel's eyes instead. His master has decided to grant him this gift; he should not overstep his bounds.
But Ciel knows what Sebastian wants. He is human after all, and the pleasures of the flesh are imbedded into the heart of human nature. He lets his hands move back up, slides his mouth farther down. Those light, butterfly kisses land on the curve of Sebastian's hip, the dip of his pelvis, the very sensitive skin of his inner thigh. Sebastian moans aloud for the first time, helpless to stop it. Ciel smiles and carefully runs his fingers around the base of that large member. Sebastian's hips jerk and Ciel startles but doesn't pull away.
"I am... sorry, master," Sebastian gasps. His voice is strained and rough with pleasure and Ciel finds he likes the sound very much. His own flesh tingles and he shivers. "I cannot keep still. Not if you keep doing that."
"Shall I stop?" Ciel asks, half serious and half teasing.
"No." The response is immediate and desperate.
Ciel decides he can tease some other time. He is uncertain of himself but he knows the general mechanics of what he is doing. So when he wraps his hands around Sebastian's erection and begins to stroke, it doesn't take him long to find the rhythm of the movement. He can only just touch his fingers together with both hands around the hot flesh and, if he were not so engrossed in his task, he would reflect on how amazing it is that such a being as this should submit to such a tiny human. But Sebastian is gasping, fingers clenching in the sheets at his sides, and Ciel wants to hear more of those sounds. Because they tell him that he is doing something right. And because every moan that falls from those perfect lips sends chills down his spine and makes him want to press close against Sebastian, attach himself to the demon and never let go.
Ciel's kisses continue to fall across Sebastian's stomach, hips, thighs, and his hands move easier, faster as fluid begins to trickle over his fingers, slicking their path. Sebastian is trembling beneath his master's touch and he can feel something building. A true release that he can not remember ever experiencing. And if Ciel were to stop now it would be the cruelest punishment. But he does not.
Ciel looks up to see Sebastian's face, eyes closed, lips parted, and wants to kiss him.
"Sebastian?"
"Young master?"
"Does this feel good?"
"Yes. Oh yes. Please, my little master."
He needs that release, that ultimate gift. And Ciel can feel it building too, in every tense line of his demon's body, in the way Sebastian's hips move to meet every stroke of his hands. But when it does come, it takes them both by surprise. Sebastian lets out an actual cry as the tension bursts all at once and his body convulses, fluid spurting from him in thick streams. A pleasure he never could have imagined crashes over Sebastian and he shudders beneath his master's hands and loves every second of it.
Ciel gasps as wet heat splashes against his cheek and jerks back. He knows he shouldn't be surprised but he is anyway. He makes a face at the sticky substance streaked across his cheek and Sebastian's stomach, but the look on Sebastian's face mollifies him. The demon looks as though he has just experienced rapture. Ciel wants to know that feeling, he wants to experience anything which could put that look on someone's face. But right now he has his demon to attend to. Because he doesn't think Sebastian can attend to himself at this moment. He is trembling in the aftershocks of the new puzzle piece Ciel has just fit into his character.
So Ciel crawls from the bed, noticing that his legs are a little shaky and that tingles of delight seem to be dancing freely along every nerve he possesses. It is a pleasant feeling and he doesn't bother to hide his smile of quiet accomplishment.
He retrieves a damp cloth and returns to the bed. He gently wipes Sebastian's skin clean, sitting on the edge of the bed and leaning over him to reach his other side. But before Ciel can straighten up and attend to cleaning himself, Sebastian reaches up and catches him by the shoulders. Ciel gasps in surprise as he is pulled down into a tight embrace, pressed against a warm chest, feeling the vibrations of Sebastian's deep, contented purr in his very bones. He blinks but doesn't pull away because this is, after all, precisely where he wants to be. He doesn't even protest when a warm, wet tongue begins gently licking the mess from his cheek. It is a disgusting action by all civilized standards, but Ciel finds he doesn't mind. Because it is the sentiment behind the gesture that makes his breath catch in his chest. His demon is not human and cannot be expected to conform entirely to all human behavior. He is grooming his human as a cat would groom her kittens. Ciel understands the action for what it is meant to be and holds still.
When Sebastian has finished cleaning him, Ciel buries his face against the demon's neck and sighs. He really is tired and now that his curiosity and desire have been appeased, Ciel finds his consciousness drifting away.
"Thank you, master."
"Hmmm?"
"You have granted me a gift I never thought to have. I am thanking you."
"Perhaps you should have included pessimism in your list of character traits," Ciel mutters dryly.
Sebastian chuckles softly. It is the first true laugh Ciel has gotten from him in months. "Perhaps you are correct."
Ciel sighs and snuggles into the warmth Sebastian willingly offers. "Stay with me," he murmurs, on the verge of sleep and not expecting an answer.
"Of course. And, young master?"
"Hmmm?"
"I also repay my debts."
"Hmmm?"
"I owe you for the lessons you have taught me. And I always repay my debts."
"Start by being quiet and letting me sleep then. And don't move, you're warm."
"Of course, my little lord."
Perhaps Ciel imagines the brush of lips across his brow as he slips into sleep. But he doesn't think so.