Archive of Our Own

Seattle was more prone to rain than snow.

Maya had grown up celebrating very wet Christmases, though living under Lane’s roof meant that there was very little holiday cheer.

As a firefighter, snow caused complications. Car accidents. Burst pipes. Blocked hoses. It all made for a very cold shift.

Maya couldn’t seem to stop shivering even as she finally left the station for the night. Whether it was a Christmas miracle or yet another sign that the planet was dying, Seattle was blanketed in more snow than she’d ever seen. It was so frigid that icicles had formed at their last call, the water freezing as they’d tried to put out the flames, caking the burning house in a sheet of ice.

She was more concerned about Carina than herself.

A few hours before, she’d received a text from her wife saying that the power in their building was out and her phone was low on battery. Maya had been in the middle of extracting an elderly couple from their flipped vehicle, so she wasn’t even sure her text in response had gone through. But judging by how cold it was outside, Maya couldn’t help but worry that Carina was freezing all alone in their apartment. She’d yet to hear another word, which meant that the power was still likely gone, or else Carina would have texted.

Maya wanted to get home and make sure her wife was okay, though she knew she was being overprotective and more than a bit silly.

As she turned onto their street, Maya frowned to see all the dark buildings, one after the other. Midnight felt especially chilly and as she finally parked and climbed out of her Jeep, her shivering became worse. With the elevator out, Maya took the stairs two at a time, her irrational worry growing, the thought of Carina cold and alone wedging its way into her mind.

They’d done a lot of healing since Carina moved back home. They’d cried a lot and hugged a lot and cried some more. But Maya knew that their foundation was stronger than ever. She just wanted to make sure that it really was solid this time. That it was unbreakable. With Christmas two weeks away, and their scheduled embryo transfer a month after that, Maya just wanted everything to feel magical for Carina.

She’d caused so much heartache for her wife. She’d hurt her so badly. It made Maya feeling clingy and over protective, as if she needed to see Carina with her own eyes and touch her with her own hands to assure herself that they really had made it through the hell of last year. That they were together, that Carina wanted to be with her, wanted to be home.

The apartment immediately felt wrong when Maya walked through the door. It was usually so warm – Carina always left a light on in the kitchen to guide Maya’s way, but without power, there was no light and there was no heat. Maya shrugged out of her jacket, immediately missing it, and then kicked off her shoes.

Her worry for Carina only grew as she made her way to their bedroom. Carina slept with the door shut, undoubtably to retain any heat left in the room, so Maya was quick in her movements. She slipped inside, closing the door again, letting her eyes adjust to the dark.

Carina slept on her side of the bed, buried under a pile of blankets. The idea of taking off her clothes made Maya wince, but she forced herself to change into a hoodie and sweatpants, cursing softly as her bare feet hit the ground before she could find her woolly socks. Usually, she’d crawl into bed naked, eager to feel Carina’s body against hers. Now she wished she had more layers, though from the looks of it, Carina had gathered every single blanket they owned.

The sheets were cold as Maya climbed into the bed and when she finally reached Carina, she was concerned to find that Carina was shivering.

“Hey,” Maya whispered, molding herself to Carina’s back and wrapping an arm around her. Before she could settle, Carina turned, wedging her face into Maya’s neck as her body sought Maya’s heat. It felt like Carina was trying to burrow into her. They grappled together, Carina holding on with needy hands as she sprawled out on top of Maya underneath their blanket fort.

“You are home,” Carina said, her lips against Maya’s skin.

“And you are freezing. Maybe we should go to a hotel for the night, Babe? I don’t want you to get sick.”

Maya could feel Carina tense beneath her hands. Her nose brushed across Maya’s throat, her grip on Maya’s hoodie even stronger than seconds before.

“No,” she sighed. “No more hotels. I want to be home.”

The words stung just a little.

Mainly because Maya could not shake the feeling that despite all of their progress, Carina wasn’t fully herself. There was an anxiety present that hadn’t been there before, as if she was waiting for Maya to disappear on her, to turn back into a sullen, angry, spiteful person. Dr. Lewis insisted that just as Maya needed time to work on herself, Carina did too.

But Maya didn’t know what that process looked like for Carina. She knew Carina wasn’t seeing a psychologist, but there was just something off, something that kept Maya up at night, the worry gnawing away.

“Okay, my love,” Maya said, kissing Carina’s forehead. “I’ll keep you warm.”

Carina smiled against Maya, the upturn of her lips saying more than any words.

They had come so far. They were planning their future. Maya felt healthy. She felt solid. And she was going to keep showing up for Carina. She was going to show her wife that she was doing the work, that she was her Maya.

“Did you sign up for overtime yet? For next week?” Carina asked, her hand curling into Maya’s collar.

The question made Maya frown.

“No, Babe. It’s Christmas,” Maya said.

“But you always do overtime at Christmas.”

“Not anymore.”

Again, Carina tensed. Maya decided she needed to see Carina’s eyes, to see her face. She gently set her hands on Carina’s cheeks, encouraging her to rise just enough so they could look at each other.

“We’re spending Christmas together,” Maya insisted. “Every Christmas. From now until we’re old and grey, okay?”

“Yeah?”

“I just want to be with you. Just our family.”

Even in the darkness, Maya could see Carina’s mood shift. She settled back, curling her body around Maya’s until they were both on their sides, squeezed together. The room was still cold and the tip of Carina’s nose was like ice against Maya’s throat, but Maya still somehow felt warm. She hoped Carina did too.

~*~

Maya hovered between wakefulness and sleep, overheated though not understanding why until she forced herself to blink and take in her surroundings.

The power must have returned and with it the heat. Her hoodie now felt much too warm, especially because she was still holding Carina. They had turned in the night, Carina with her back to Maya’s front. In their sleep, Maya had apparently slid her hand up Carina’s sweatshirt, cupping her breast while one of her legs was wedged between Carina’s thighs. It would have been funny if not for home comfortable it made Maya feel, despite the now too-hot pyjamas.

Maya could sense Carina waking too, but it was still far too early for them to be awake. The apartment was dark, save for the flashing light on Carina’s phone.

Carina inhaled, groaning a little.

“Is it morning?” She grumbled, wiggling back to press herself more firmly against Maya’s pelvis.

Maya shook her head, burying her face in Carina’s hair.

“No. But the heat is back,” she said, knowing she needed to remove her sweatpants and hoodie and woolly socks before she developed heat stroke. But Carina felt so good and Maya didn’t want to move.

“Bambina, do you want to have sex?” Carina’s question was so nonchalant that Maya almost laughed.

“Yeah,” Maya breathed, squeezing Carina’s breast. “Do you?”

Carina nodded. “I need you, Maya.”

The nonchalance gave way to something much different. There was no teasing, no flirting. Just an aching sadness born of Carina’s confession.

“I’m here, my love.”

“Falling asleep without you, sometimes…it reminds me of…”

“It reminds you of all the times I didn’t come home,” Maya whispered, her heart aching, wondering if she’d ever forgive herself for the pain she’d caused her favourite person.

Carina’s inhale was shaky. She reached behind her, her hand landing on Maya’s thigh, as if she was assuring herself that Maya was really present. That she wasn’t dreaming.

“I’m here,” Maya said again. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. Never again.”

There was another shaky release of air and then Carina turned, her hands finding Maya’s face. She kissed her, a sad, needy kiss that made Maya feel so protective of the woman in her arms. Carina seemed so vulnerable and Maya was glad that they could talk openly.

Maybe it was the dark. Maybe it was the night. Whatever the cause, Maya just wanted Carina to share her feelings, her worries. Her pain.

If only to let Maya help her carry it all.

Maya slid her hand up the back of Carina’s sweatshirt, stroking the line of her spine, each bump perfect beneath her fingertips. The room still felt too hot, but Maya no longer cared. There was just Carina’s mouth on hers and Carina’s fingers in her hair.

The sound of Carina’s phone ringing barely registered in Maya’s mind, but Carina seemed to notice because she paused and pulled back with a frown.

“No,” Maya whined. “It’s so late. It’s probably just a wrong number.”

Carina’s frown remained. “The ring…”

She didn’t say another word before reaching over to her nightstand. Maya missed her immediately as Carina sat up, her back to Maya, and answered the phone.

“Ciao?”

Leave it to Gabriella to forget the time difference and ruin Maya’s night. It’s like she had a sixth sense for knowing exactly when to annoy Maya the most.

“Lorenzo? Lo sa che ore sono? Perché mi sta... COSA?”

The shock in Carina’s voice was startling. Maya immediately sat up too, staring at the back of Carina’s head, wondering what was going on.

“Cosa intende? Ma com'è possibile? Non c'era nessuno a controllarlo?"

Carina stood, pacing the room, her free hand gesturing wildly as she practically yelled into the phone. Maya turned on the lamp closest to her side of the bed, watching with increasing worry as Carina’s face turned red.

“Dov'è ora? Gli avvocati cosa dicono?"

Whatever the person on the phone said next made Carina wince. She pinched the bridge of her nose, her eyes closed, as she shook her head, resignation settling heavily on her shoulders.

“Va bene. Va bene. Sarò lì il prima possibile. Per favore mi tenga aggiornata. No... no... capisco."

Carina lowered her phone, staring at the screen for one more second before finally looking at Maya.

“My father killed another patient,” she said, her shoulders hunched in a way that made it seem like she was embarrassed to say the words. As if she was confessing to a crime that she herself had committed.

Maya’s eyebrows shot up.

“He was operating without a medical license. In a private facility,” Carina continued. “He’s been charged with murder. He…he could go to jail.”

“Oh,” Maya stuttered, unsure exactly what to say. “That’s…I mean…okay. That’s…wow.”

Carina looked so defeated, she looked exhausted, and Maya stood from the bed, joining her across the room. She took her hand, wishing she could provide more support, wishing Carina would give some indication of what she needed. But Carina wasn’t saying very much. She looked so gaunt, hollow, her cheekbones and jaw somehow sharper than seconds before.

“Maya,” she said, staring at their joined hands. “I need to go to Italy. Tonight.”

“I’m coming with you.”

Carina sighed heavily. “You can’t. I could be gone for weeks and you can’t just…”

“I’m coming with you,” Maya said with conviction, cupping Carina’s cheek.

She saw pain in Carina’s eyes. Pain and hope and Maya wasn’t sure what to make of it. She wasn’t sure how to interpret Carina’s reaction.

Because Carina seemed both relieved and doubtful. As if she had heard Maya’s words but couldn’t allow herself to really believing they were true.

Maya decided to devote every moment to showing Carina that they were.

~*~

There were some benefits to having a close friendship with Captain Andy Herrera.

Maya had enough vacation days banked to take off months of work, but all she had to say was Carina’s name and Andy immediately signed off on her request for leave. The weeks leading up to Christmas were often the busiest for Station 19 – more people on the roads, more people plugging in ancient Christmas lights with faulty wiring.

And while Maya loved her job and took her duty to the people of Seattle seriously, her priorities were so clear to her now that there was no hesitation as she packed her suitcase. There was not even a pang of guilt for leaving her crew down one firefighter. Andy would have a temporary replacement in by the end of the day and Maya needed to be with her wife. She wanted to be with her wife.

They’d managed to book last minute tickets that would have them into Rome by the following day. Carina was on the phone, arranging accommodation and transportation, so Maya just tried to be as helpful as possible. Cleaning up the apartment, double checking that they’d packed toothbrushes, though she was quite certain that Italy had toothbrushes in case they forgot anything important.

She frowned in the living room, eyeing the space they had only just cleared for a Christmas tree. There was no way of knowing whether they’d make it home for Christmas. But Maya assured herself that no matter where they were, they would be together, and that’s all that mattered.

The Uber ride to the airport was almost silent. Carina spent the entire time texting, her scowl growing deeper by the minute.

Maya had imagined going to Italy with Carina countless times during their relationship. She’d wanted to go for years – there just never seemed like a perfect window because of work. The idea of taking off more than a day was unfathomable. Now she regretted all of those lost opportunities. Carina had always been so understanding – her own job kept her busy too. But life was fleeting. People got sick, people died. Nothing was guaranteed. Maya should have taken her wife to Italy years ago.

And even though this wasn’t how she expected to see Italy for the first time, there was nowhere else on earth more important than the back of this particular Uber making its way to SeaTac.

Carina was distracted as they moved through the terminal, obviously lost in thought, so Maya happily took charge. She checked them in, lifting their baggage onto the scale and providing their passports while Carina stood next to her, smiling weakly. When they were finished with security, Maya found their gate, leaving Carina for only a moment and returning with bottles of water and a small container of fruit. She’d packed extra snacks for the plane, but Carina had barely eaten since receiving the phone call the night before and Maya was worried.

“Try to have a little something?” Maya asked, sitting next to Carina and wrapping one arm around her shoulders.

Carina held the offered container, staring at it.

“I’m not that hungry,” she said, cracking open the lid.

“I know, but I don’t want you to get a headache, okay? Just a few bites.”

Instead of eating, Carina leaned closer, kissing Maya’s temple.

“I’m glad you are here with me,” she said. “It would be hard to do this alone.”

“I’d never let you do this alone. For better, for worse…right?”

Something flickered in Carina’s eyes. That same doubt from earlier followed by a calm. Maya could almost see Carina’s thought process.

I’d never let you do this alone…

But Maya had let Carina do so much alone. She’d been so consumed by her own pain that she’d built walls keeping Carina as far away from her as she could. And while Maya knew that she’d torn down her walls for Carina and would never build them again, Carina couldn’t know that for sure. So Maya held Carina a little tighter, she kept her a little closer, she watched as Carina picked at her fruit, the softest smile on her lips.

“Thank you for taking care of me, Bambina,” she said. “My father always makes my head feel so…”

She trailed off, losing her words, but Maya understood exactly how she felt.

“We have very loud fathers,” Maya said, trying to lighten the mood, but also wanting Carina to know that she didn’t need to explain herself. Not to Maya.

“Sì,” Carina sighed. “Lucky us.”

Carina was restless as they boarded the plane. They were about to spend hours in the air, hours flying far away from Seattle, far away from home. She fidgeted in her seat, her decision not to purchase wifi a blessing and a curse. There was nothing she could do from the sky. There was nothing she could say over the phone that couldn’t be said the next day in Italy. But it meant being cut off while they flew and Maya could tell Carina was having trouble staying still.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Maya asked as the seatbelt sign was finally turned off.

Carina shook her head. “I can’t stop picturing him in jail. I’ve been afraid of this for my whole life and now…how can I just sit?”

“They might arrest you if you don’t,” Maya winked, pleased when Carina’s lips lifted in the corners.

She yawned, the dark circles under her eyes a sure indication that she was exhausted.

“Why don’t you try closing your eyes,” Maya said. “I’ll wake you when they start the dinner service.”

“Wake me when they start the drinks. I need wine.”

Maya smirked. “Of course, Babe. Wouldn’t let you miss it.”

Before Maya could settle back in her seat, Carina slumped, resting her head against Maya’s shoulder. She looped their arms and even though her eyes were closed, Maya could tell that she wasn’t asleep. Carina gently traced the prominent veins inside Maya’s wrist, while her other hand did the same to Maya’s arm, stroking gently to her elbow.

Until she’d met Carina, Maya had never realized that the veins in her arms and hands were prominent at all. And then Carina appeared with eager fingertips, memorizing the pathways from Maya’s heart. It brought Carina comfort, though Maya didn’t quite understand why, but it also felt nice to be touched in a way that so clearly said I love you.

Maya watched and Carina traced, the silence between them comfortable. Sometimes Carina would kiss Maya’s shoulder, or Maya would kiss Carina’s forehead, but mostly they stayed huddled together, soaring through the clouds, flying closer and closer into a potential disaster.

~*~

Rome’s airport was barely controlled chaos.

Maya took both of their bags while Carina checked her phone, but it was hard not to gape at the world around her. There were so many people moving in every direction. Carina obviously knew where she was going, so Maya followed her, watching the way Carina effortlessly wove through the masses, her beige wool trench coat fluttering behind her as she moved. Maya eyed her bomber jacket and wondered if she was underdressed.

Carina waved at a man holding a sign that said DeLuca, and then everything became Italian. The driver spoke to Carina, she spoke back, and Maya just smiled and nodded, and tried to read hand gestures as best she could. When the driver took their bags, she shot him a thumb’s up. When he opened the door, she stumbled through a grazie.

Despite the fact that the trip was not a vacation, Maya pressed her face to the window as they drove into the city centre, her eyes wide at the traffic, the buildings, the people. She was surprised to see so many Christmas trees, which was silly because she knew that Christmas wasn’t exclusively American.

Carina was busy texting, a permanent wrinkle between her brows, but when Maya set her hand against Carina’s thigh, Carina immediately took it, a sign that despite her distraction, she was still present.

Their hotel was swanky, understated but modern. It was all very Carina, which made Maya grin as she walked across the lobby. She liked being in Carina’s world. She liked seeing her wife in motion because Carina was always so graceful, so confident.

They checked in and took an elevator to the third floor and it was only once they were in their room that Maya felt like she could take a breath.

“So, I know I haven’t seen much besides the airport and this hotel,” Maya said, “but wow.”

“You will see so much more,” Carina smiled, stroking Maya’s cheek with her thumb before digging her purse out of their carry-on bag.

“Do you want to go grab something to eat? Or are you jetlagged? Should we try to nap?”

Carina winced, biting her lip as she looked away from Maya.

“I’m sorry, Bambina. I need to go see my dad,” she explained. “The lawyers are there…”

“Okay, sure. Yeah. I’ll just go to the bathroom and then we can…”

“No,” Carina’s voice was so soft. So strained. “I am sorry, Tesoro, but it’s best if I go myself. I’ll be back in a few hours and then we can have a nice dinner together, va bene?”

“Oh. You don’t want me to come?”

Maya tried not to let the hurt in. She tried to remind herself that this was a complicated situation.

“It’s not that,” Carina said. “My Papa can be…the things he says…I just need to see what we’re dealing with.”

“I’m not afraid of your dad, Carina.”

“I am.”

Maya frowned, taking a step closer to her wife, worried to see Carina’s eyes swimming with tears.

“Hey,” Maya said, cradling Carina’s face in her hands. “Talk to me.”

“He can be so cruel when he’s manic. I’m used to it. I expect it. But I can’t listen to him say cruel things to you, Maya. My heart can’t take it.”

Carina looked genuinely distraught. She looked like she was in so much pain and Maya would do anything to take it away. Anything. Even if it went against her better judgment.

“Okay, she whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind Carina’s ear. “You go. I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Promise?”

Maya wrapped her arms around Carina, trying to lend her strength.

“Promise,” she whispered against Carina’s lips.

Carina kissed her with such longing, with such aching sadness, that Maya started second-guessing her decision to stay behind. But when Carina stepped back and squared her shoulders, Maya had to remind herself that she needed to respect Carina’s boundaries. Regardless of her own gut instincts.

“I love you,” Maya said, walking Carina to the door.

With one last kiss, Carina stepped into the hallway.

“I love you too,” she said, blowing kisses, each one a gift.

Each one more than Maya ever thought she deserved.

~*~

Maya had every intention of spending the afternoon wandering Rome’s tourist attractions, but jetlag quickly ruined her plans.

She managed to walk through the Christmas market in Piazza Navona and pick up a few treats for Carina before hailing a taxi back to the hotel. Her phone had been silent all day, so Maya set it on the bedside table and eyed her luggage, wondering where she’d packed her pyjamas.

The thought of digging through her clothes made her feel even more tired, especially when she unzipped the suitcase and found that everything had shifted in transit. She stripped, tossing her clothes on the floor, and after managing to find a new pair of boy shorts, she slipped into bed, the sheets cool and soft against her skin.

It was only when she felt the weight of a body behind her that Maya finally woke up. A familiar hand was gliding over her side and paused to cup her breast, squeezing in a way that made Maya hum.

“C’rina?” She mumbled, wondering what time it was. She hadn’t heard her phone go off, nor had she heard the door open or Carina get in bed with her. Carina rubbed her nose against Maya’s shoulder blade and inhaled deeply, her body curled around Maya underneath the blankets.

“You smell like home.”

Carina’s voice sounded strange, as if she was trying to hold back tears.

“Babe?” Maya said, trying to turn. “Are you okay?”

There was another deep inhale. Maya realized that Carina was naked too and usually she would use her strength to flip Carina over and see for herself. But the way Carina was holding her, the way Carina was touching her…

“We’re not married here,” Carina whispered, so full of sorrow that Maya tried to turn again.

“Carina…”

“I didn’t think about it until…I didn’t think about it and now it’s all I can think about.”

Maya finally managed to loosen Carina’s grip, flipping onto her side so she could face Carina. So she could see her eyes.

The face before her almost made her gasp.

The gaunt look was even more pronounced. Carina looked sickly, as if she’d developed some horrible wasting illness that hollowed her cheeks, that made her eyes appear sunken in and lifeless.

“Hey,” Maya said, trying to bury her shock. “Of course we’re married. No one can take that away.”

“Italy can. It has. Our marriage license is invalid. According to Italy, we are nothing to each other.”

Usually, Carina would be the one to scoff at such a thing. She’d insist that an arbitrary law in one country could not invalidate their marriage. But now it seemed as if she’d internalized all the pain of discrimination, all the loss.

“We’re married, my love,” Maya tried again, tracing Carina’s cheekbone with her thumb. “It’s just a silly piece of paper, right?”

“I used to think that. I used to believe it was all bureaucracy. And now I want that silly piece of paper. I want it more than anything, Maya.”

“Babe…what happened today? Did someone say something or…”

Carina cut her off with a kiss, the movement so sudden that Maya had to brace herself with both hands, one on either side of Carina’s shoulders. She lowered herself, soothed by Carina’s fingers weaving through her hair, by Carina’s hand on her back.

“Make love to me,” Carina said, kissing Maya again, pulling at her until Maya straddled her hips.

“Carina…”

“Please,” Carina sniffled. “Please, Bambina.”

Maya found Carina’s hands and pressed them into the mattress close to Carina’s head. She kissed her as if kissing could bring back Carina’s light, her easy smile. There were tears cascading down Carina’s cheeks, so Maya kissed them away, the salt staining her own lips as she moved lower, finding Carina’s pulse point, finding her life.

“Inside,” Carina begged, trying to push Maya’s hand lower.

“Wait, wait, wait. You’re not ready yet, Babe, I don’t want to hurt you.”

Carina’s chin wobbled. She seemed so vulnerable. An open wound.

“I’m going to take care of you,” Maya said as she slipped her hand into Carina’s panties. She quickly pulled them down, letting Carina kick them off, and only paused to remove her own boy shorts.

Maya held herself up over Carina’s body, straddling one of Carina’s thighs as she found Carina’s clit and began rubbing.

There was a soft moan from Carina, a slight arch of her back that inspired Maya to roll her hips, to seek some friction against Carina’s leg.

“We’re married,” Maya swore, rubbing harder before dipping her fingers against Carina’s entrance. She was almost wet enough, she likely was, but Maya could tell that Carina was triggered somehow and she didn’t want to rush. She wanted Carina to feel safe and protected. She wanted Carina to let go of some of the darkness she’d brought home with her.

“Please,” Carina begged again. “I need you inside of me. I need you.”

When Maya slipped one finger inside, Carina released a strangled sob, a sound that was pleasure and pain all mixed together. It shattered Maya’s heart to see her Carina so broken, but she could tell by the way Carina was holding her hand, by the way she met each of Maya’s thrusts that she was taking what she needed from this moment.

Maya was cautious in her movements. She tried a second finger, moaning at how easily Carina took her, how easily Carina let her in. Carina raised her thigh, just enough to let Maya ride her, and whether it was the jetlag or the intensity of Carina’s gaze or the feeling of Carina clenching around her, Maya came just as Carina let go too.

Before Maya could fully catch her breath, Carina was grabbing at her, pulling until Maya lay directly on top of her, her weight crushing Carina into the mattress.

“We’re married,” Carina said to herself, her eyes closed.

“Definitely married,” Maya said, peppering Carina’s chest with kisses. She nipped lightly at her breast, swirling her tongue over its curve.

Carina spread her legs, letting Maya settle between them. Her hands found Maya’s back where she tickled patterns while Maya lightly sucked Carina’s nipple, moving from one to the other, languid in her movements.  She planned to stay right where she was, at least until Carina told her to move, but then Carina’s stomach grumbled so violently that Maya could swear she felt the vibrations against her own body.

It was impossible to hold back her laughter. She snorted, biting her lip as Carina raised one finger in warning.

“I can’t help it!” She insisted, but Maya had to roll away, landing heavily on her back as she continued to giggle.

Carina lightly smacked her shoulder, fighting her own laughter, and Maya was so relieved to see her smile that she calmed, staring into that perfect face.

“It’s a good thing I brought you treats,” she said, finally moving from the bed.

She found her bag from earlier in the day and pulled out a bottle of wine.

“I know you’re always saying you can’t get this at home,” Maya explained, handing it to Carina along with two wine glasses.

Carina practically lunged across the bed, her eyes sparkling as she gazed down at the cab sauv in pure adoration.

“Pandoro,” Maya announced, revealing a wrapped cake. “And Panettone. Even though Pandoro is way better.”

“You are delusional,” Carina scoffed, though Maya could see the soft smile on her face too.

They usually found both cakes at the Italian market in Seattle, but there was something special about having them here. Having them now. Despite the Christmas trees outside and all the lights, nothing felt very festive. They’d spent twenty-four hours travelling and then Carina had likely spent most of her time with her father and lawyers. Whatever was said in that meeting upset her enough that she returned in pieces. Pieces that Maya was determined to put back together. With sex. With cake.

With love.

“I’m not,” Maya said, finding plates and a knife. She joined Carina on the bed again, gladly accepting a glass of wine.

“Andrea thought like you. Always with the Pandoro.”

“It’s the raisins. Why would you want to…”

Her words were cut off when Carina smashed a piece of Panettone against Maya’s lips. She opened her mouth, catching it before crumbs fell all over the bed, and Carina’s ensuing laughter was so beautiful that Maya decided she’d eat every raisin in Italy if it kept the joy on Carina’s face.

It was only when they’d finished eating, when they’d finished their wine, that Carina opened up about her day.

She lay in Maya’s arms, her voice low as she dragged her finger tips between Maya’s breasts, her eyes following the movement of her own hand as she touched Maya’s body.

“They want him to take a plea deal,” Carina said, tickling Maya’s abdomen. “The patient signed a waver before surgery and even though the facility had no license and my father had no license either, the lawyers think they can get the charges thrown out.”

“Oh. That’s…that’s good?”

Maya wasn’t sure that it was. She didn’t want Vincenzo to go to jail, mainly because it would shatter Carina. But she also didn’t think he should be allowed to get away with manslaughter.

“He doesn’t want to take it,” Carina sighed. “He says taking it would be the same as admitting his guilt. The lawyers are trying to convince him, but he’s off his medication and refusing treatment. It’s like arguing with a child.”

“What about you?”

“Hmm?” Carina frowned, lying more firmly against Maya’s side.

“What do you want him to do?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s never mattered to him. He will do whatever he is going to do and I am there to clean up his mess like always.”

Maya had to push down the urge to argue. It was just so unlike Carina to backdown from an argument. If Carina had an opinion, she was not one to keep quiet, yet something about Vincenzo seemed to still her tongue. Seemed to silence her.

“It does matter what you want,” Maya tried, keeping her voice purposefully gentle. “Nothing matters more.”

Carina pressed her face into Maya’s neck and hitched her leg over Maya’s thighs. She didn’t say a word as she held on to Maya’s body, she just breathed in and breathed out until she fell asleep, leaving Maya to stare up at the ceiling, a little confused, but mostly worried. In so many ways, Carina’s life in Italy was still a mystery to her. She understood the broad strokes – Lucia’s departure, Vincenzo’s abuse. She even knew a few of Carina’s local friends, though most of them seemed to live in Milan or Palermo. And while Maya felt like she knew her wife, like she understood Carina on an intimate level, she found herself stuck on what best to do.

Carina very clearly wanted to keep a boundary between Maya and Vincenzo. Maya was Carina’s life in Seattle, she was Carina’s life now. Vincenzo was something different. A ghost from her past who also lingered on the periphery of her present. Maybe even her future.

But boundaries were important. Carina’s boundaries were important. So Maya decided to respect them – to be as present as Carina needed her to be. To give Carina space when she asked for it too. Despite every single molecule in her body screaming that she needed to step up for Carina. To speak up for her.

As Maya stroked Carina’s hair, she hoped that this was enough.

It felt like far too little.

~*~

When Maya had insisted on accompanying Carina to Italy, she’d done so under the assumption that she would be by Carina’s side for whatever trials lay ahead. She’d imagined going with Carina to speak to lawyers or defending Carina if Vincenzo stepped out of line.

Instead, Carina was off somewhere with her father and his legal team, while Maya stood in the ruins of the Colosseum, feeling very out of place.

She was surrounded by tourists – families and couples on their honeymoon – but she could not shake the feeling that everything was wrong. That she should be with Carina. Even though Carina asked her to stay away.

Yet everywhere she turned, she saw her wife.

In the marble statue of long forgotten goddesses. In the lilting voices all around her. Maya blushed as she stopped in a museum gift shop, unable to keep herself from buying a mini replica of Venus. Because there was something about the face, the slope of her sacred nose…

Carina always insisted that her family came from a long line of Sicilian peasants, but Maya recognized Carina’s grace, her beauty in the frescos and sculptures and carvings she saw during her day.

She spent her time following a tour guide while worrying endlessly. Carina didn’t contact her during the day and Maya really was trying to take in the moment. But how could she take in the moment when Carina was going through so much? How could she wander souvenir shops and eat gelato while Carina needed her.

Boundaries, Bishop. Boundaries.

Once again, Carina returned to the hotel sullen and teary. Once again, she left the next day with a kiss and a promise of dinner later.

Maya joined a tour of the Vatican mainly because Carina insisted she go. She looked at more statues, at more marble, but it wasn’t until she reached the Sistine Chapel that she felt true awe at the grandeur all around her.

There were benches lining the room, so Maya sat down and stared up, her eyes wide as she tried to take in Michelangelo’s masterpiece. The colours were still so vibrant and even from a distance, she was taken with the sheer size of the paintings. She wondered how often Carina had seen them, she wondered if Carina liked them or if she found them gauche – a tourist trap of little interest to someone who had grown up surrounded by the beauty of Italy.

Carina was so cultured, she was so refined, there were moments when Maya wondered what someone like Carina saw in someone like her. It was a self-conscious thought, though it used bother her far more than it did now. All of Carina’s friends were doctors or lawyers or fashion designers. She spoke multiple languages and had travelled the world, her life an endless spectacle of sights and sounds.

Maya had done a little travelling after the Olympics. She also considered herself an intelligent person, but her world was just so different from Carina’s world. Her life was Seattle – she’d grown up in sweaty locker rooms, the entirety of her world the racetrack, the finish line. Carina had grown up sun kissed, the sea her constant playground. Maya had grown up in the rain, the damp as familiar to her as a security blanket.

Years before, shortly after Andrew’s death, Maya had found herself in a room full of doctors, feeling out of place as one of Carina’s colleagues hosted a dinner party. They talked endlessly of medical innovation, of their five-star all-inclusive holidays, of their new luxury cars with leather seats.

She’d spent the night growing increasingly uncomfortable, her usual confidence replaced with confusion because she was just so different from the people Carina gravitated towards. Her interests, her experiences – it was as if they were from one planet and she was from another. It was only after they got home that Carina released an exasperated breath and flopped onto the couch, the smile she’d worn all night slipping away.

“Thank god you were there,” Carina said, rolling her eyes. “They talk and talk and I cannot stand the sound most of the time.

Maya raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Really? You seemed to be enjoying yourself? I’m sorry I was quiet, I just…the things they were talking about aren’t really…my kind of…things.”

It was lame. She felt so lame, but before she could go hide away in the bedroom, Carina snagged her hand, pulling her onto the couch.

“They are not my kind of things either,” Carina said, stroking Maya’s hair behind her ear.

“What do you mean? You love all that medical stuff.”

“Maybe in a work setting, yes. But it is like I have listened to the same conversation for my entire life. My papa and his friends only talked about work. My colleagues only talk about work. Work, work, work. There is a whole world out there. Filled with so many people.”

“Do you ever…”

Maya trailed off, unsure she wanted to finish her thought, mainly because she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answer to her question. But Carina furrowed her brow, taking Maya’s hand.

“Do I ever?”

“I’m just really different from your friends. And I know you said you’ve dated mostly doctors. I guess sometimes I’m not sure what you see in me?”

“Bambina, how could you even think like that?”

Maya felt shy, she felt exposed. “Sorry, I’m being pathetic…”

“No! No, Maya. You are the most fascinating person I have ever met.”

“Really?” Maya asked, surprised.

“Yes! Really! You know so many things I have never even thought about before. The way you talk about fire and the wind. You are so smart, Maya. The smartest person I know.”

Maya shook her head. “Babe, come on. You know literal geniuses.”

“You have lived a life so different from mine and I love that. I love that your experience of the world is not the same as my experience. I love that you love nature and sports and all these things I do not understand. Because now I get to experience everything new. You see the world in a way I never thought to see it. I love that about you. About us.”

“That’s how I feel about you too,” Maya blushed.

“We were in a room full of people tonight, but you were the only one I wanted to talk to. Because…you know me. None of the others do.”

“But they’re your friends.”

“Yes. And you are my family. You see me, Maya. The way we grew up, our fathers…our brothers. You see me because you take the time to see me. The others see my job or they see my car or they see my clothes. You see everything. Even the things I do not see myself.”

Somewhere high above Maya’s head, Adam touched the hand of his creator. He reached out, his eyes towards the divine, their fingers a breath apart, the spark of life between them. She imagined that Adam could feel the power in the air, that he could feel his moment of becoming, of metamorphosis. From dust to man. From nothing to everything.

She’d leaned in all those years ago, Carina’s words blooming deep inside and when her lips nearly touched Carina’s lips, she’d paused. Breathing. Almost touching. Almost becoming. The electricity forging a line from her heart to Carina’s. A metamorphosis.

Maya wondered if she could still see Carina. If she could really see her because she had turned away from her Carina for so long. She had shut her out. And the person she’d found upon her return was still Carina, though this new version of Carina was injured. An unhealing wound that Maya inflicted.

A wound only she could heal.

~*~

By the third day, Maya had to forcibly bite her tongue as she watched Carina leave the hotel room. Her gut was telling her to go with Carina. Her heart was too. But she clung to logic, refusing to let emotion guide her. As she dressed for the day, she couldn’t help the dark thoughts swirling around her head. Carina looked increasingly defeated. She was barely eating and when they were together, she wanted to sleep most of the time. Maya recognized the symptoms of depression. She knew Carina was at risk given her genetic background and she was seriously starting to question her own decisions but would confronting Carina be selfish? Was she just trying to make herself more comfortable? Was she trying to absolve herself of guilt?

A knock on the door pulled her from her thoughts and she frowned because she hadn’t ordered any room service. When she opened the door, she was only partially surprised to see Gabriella standing on the other side.

“Will you let me in or must I stand outside like a dirty mistress?” Gabriella sighed, gesturing beyond Maya’s shoulder at the room.

Maya stepped aside, letting Gabriella in. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were coming. Did Carina send you?”

“No. No. But I am taking you out. Are those the only shoes you have?”

She pointed to Maya’s sneakers with clear distaste.

“What’s wrong with them?” Maya asked, eyeing Gabriella’s stilettos.

“What isn’t wrong with them? Va bene, let’s go. You are paying for my espresso.”

~*~

It quickly became apparent that Gabriella had no interest in showing Maya the sights. She seemed bothered, not with Maya, but underneath her bluster Maya could tell she was upset, her mouth set in a permanent scowl. It was only once they reached a small café tucked away in an alley that Gabriella removed her sunglasses and began speaking.

“I can’t decide if I am mad at you or relieved to see you,” she said, sipping her espresso.

Maya swallowed hard, wishing the ground would swallow her whole. Of course, Gabriella knew all about their marriage trouble. About the 5150. About all of it. Of course Carina had shared. She had every right to share. It was good that she had someone like Gabriella to lean on. But Maya didn’t want to have this discussion. Especially not with Gabriella.

“I told her to leave you, you know?” Gabriella said with a shrug and Maya could tell it was a challenge. It was a way for Gabriella to poke and prod and test whether Maya would lose her temper.

“I…I get it.”

“But there’s something about you…there’s always been something about you.”

“Listen, Gabriella…”

“I am not judging you, Maya,” Gabriella said, her voice unexpectantly gentle. “I understand that the brain is just chemicals and tissue and sometimes it all misfires. It was just hard to see her so hurt.”

“Thank you for being there for her when I…when I couldn’t be.”

“For as long as I have known her, she has not suffered fools. The second something is uncomfortable? She leaves. Out the door without looking back. And then she met you and I have never seen her hold on so tightly, even when it caused her pain.”

Maya felt her chest tighten. “I love her. I hate that I hurt her so much, but I will spend every single day of my life trying to make up for it. Trying to be the person she deserves.”

“I know it has been a difficult few years. I am not excusing your choices, but I understand there were complexities. Triggers even.  And…I am sorry about the inseminations, Maya. I know how much you both wanted them to work.”

Gabriella lay her hand gently on Maya’s wrist and her sympathy almost brought Maya to tears. It was the first time that anyone had acknowledged the failed inseminations in this way. The first time someone had acknowledged Maya’s feelings about their lack of success. All those months of failures had tormented Maya, had made her feel useless, like she couldn’t give her wife what she wanted most.

All those months made her feel like a loser. And that feeling brought her to the brink of death.

“Thank you,” Maya said, clearing her throat. “We’re starting IVF soon. I’m sure Carina has told you.”

“She has. That’s part of why I needed to talk to you today.”

“Oh?”

“She is keeping you far from Vincenzo, yes?”

Maya nodded. “I’m trying to respect her boundaries. It’s hard…”

“It’s time to stop respecting her boundaries.”

Gabriella raised her hand, silencing Maya before she could protest.

“Her whole life, she takes care of her father,” Gabriella continued. “She takes care of everyone. Her patients. Her friends. You. She worries and she fusses and she shoulders the responsibility all by herself.”

“I wish she’d let me help her.”

“You know the first time I met you, she told me about how you took care of her after Andrea died,” Gabriella said. “She was almost in shock. She couldn’t believe that anyone would do all of that for her. I think that’s what made you so different. You take care of her and she’s learned to let you. Even though it goes against everything she’s ever known.”

“I don’t know what to do,” Maya confessed. “We’re in a much better place now, but I don’t want to overstep. I don’t want to hurt her again.”

“Vincenzo would go off his meds and destroy his life. And her life too. And then he would go back on his meds and make promises, promises that he did not keep. She expects people to go back on their word. She expects chaos, even in moments of calm. She waits for it.”

Chaos

Maya felt nauseas.

“She let down her guard with you,” Gabriella explained. “She trusted you to take care of her. And then…”

“And then I did the opposite.”

“You were not well. But Vincenzo is not well either. She is trying to find that trust again, I know she is. I have also known her long enough to recognize that she’s struggling. That she’s scared. In her mind…part of her is waiting for the chaos to return. Even if it’s an irrational thought. It’s there because it’s always been there.”

It was as if Gabriella had turned on the lights. Maya’s endless internal debate about how to support Carina while respecting her boundaries took on a new layer. Carina’s boundaries were also her safety net. They were her walls. Walls that she’d mostly lowered to let Maya in. But not entirely. Not completely.

Gabriella finished her espresso and leaned back in her chair. She was uncharacteristically serious. Maya almost wished she’d crack a slightly mean-spirited joke.

“You rescue people every day, no?” Gabriella asked, gesturing towards Maya. “Well, it is time to rescue your wife. She will fight you, but you are just as stubborn as she is. Don’t let her push you away.”

“I won’t,” Maya swore.

“And if you hurt her again, I will murder you in your sleep.”

Maya didn’t roll her eyes. She didn’t scoff. Because it was a fair deal. A deal she very much agreed with.

“Thank you,” Maya said. “For loving her. For being there for her when I wasn’t…”

“You have made my best friend happier than she has ever been. And you have caused her more tears than any one person should cry. But, I don’t know, I still like you, Maya Bishop.”

“And I still find you super intimidating. But I appreciate the support.”

Gabriella tipped her head back and laughed. She pointed one finger at Maya, a warning, and then picked up her purse.

“Now,” she said. “Take your wife home. Give her babies. Be happy, va bene?”

“Va bene. But I need your help with one more thing…”

Maya felt herself full of resolve. Full of hope. The obsessive, self-reflective spiral she’d been trapped in fell away as one clear thought remained: it was time to bring Carina home.

~*~

Despite her earlier confidence, Maya knew the task ahead was not easy. She checked her phone, eying the text from Carina that said she’d be back to the hotel within the half hour. Maya placed an order for room service and took a few deep, centering breaths.

Carina could be avoidant when cornered. She was more likely to storm out of a room than argue, but Maya hoped her lack of exit options would take care of that problem. There was every chance that Carina would lock herself in the bathroom, except Maya’s determination was absolute. No matter what, she was going to take care of her wife.

She now had a strategy in place, a way to navigate the fire and put it out. A way to bring everyone to safety.

By the time Carina walked through the door, Maya had a bottle of white wine chilling and an order of fries on hand. Carina looked even more defeated than usual. She was hunched, her eyes red-rimmed, and Maya didn’t hesitate before crossing the room and taking her face in her hands.

“What happened?” She asked, clenching her jaw when Carina turned away.

“Nothing,” Carina insisted. “More of the same. Are those fries?”

Maya nodded, happy to see the small smile on Carina’s face. She helped Carina with her coat and watched silently as Carina sat in a chair and started eating.

“I’m sorry,” Carina finally said. “I know you must be bored cooped up in here. We could go out for dinner?”

It was obvious that the last thing Carina wanted to do was leave the hotel room.

“It’s okay,” Maya said. “I was out all day with Gabriella.”

“Oh? She didn’t take you clubbing, did she?”

“What if she did?” Maya teased, loving the slight concern in Carina’s eyes. She’d missed teasing her wife. She’d missed the way Carina teased her too.

“No, I do not want you going to the club without me. I know how people are here…”

“And how are they?”

“They would not be able to resist you, Bambina.”

“How do you know?”

Carina raised one finger and smirked. “I used to be those people. I practically invented those people.”

“So you’re saying you can’t resist me?”

Maya liked the light flush across Carina’s cheeks. She liked the flirty banter. They’d been through so much, they’d survived so much, that she never took these moments of levity for granted. She was about to ask Carina the question again when she noticed the way Carina’s smile faded, as if a dark shadow had passed over her face.

“Carina, please talk to me,” Maya said, crouching down in front of Carina’s chair. “I didn’t come here to visit museums and art galleries. I came here to support you. Please…let me.”

“It’s not that simple, Maya.”

“It is. Tomorrow I’m coming with you.”

Carina was out of her chair before the sentence fully left Maya’s mouth.

“No,” she sighed. “I’m sorry, but no. You can’t.”

“I can. I’m coming with you. You’re not doing this alone anymore.”

The word “alone” triggered a reaction. Carina winced and then paced the room, but Maya stayed calm. She rose from her position, choosing instead to sit on the edge of the bed. It placed her between Carina and the bathroom. If Carina wanted to storm out, she still could, though it meant directly passing Maya who had every intention of gently keeping Carina as close as possible. As long as there was distance between them, Carina could maintain her defenses. But Maya knew from experience that the second they touched, those defenses weakened. She knew because it happened to her too.

“Of course I am!” Carina raised her voice, her arms swinging into the air. “It is my father. Why do you fight me on this? Why can’t you just trust me?”

“I do trust you. More than anyone. But I also see you.”

Carina’s chin wobbled. Maya knew she’d hit the right nerve.

“I can see how hurt you are,” Maya said. “I can see how exhausted you are. You come home every day defeated and I won’t allow it. I won’t.”

“Maya…”

“I’m your wife. It’s my job to take care of you. To protect you. And I would be a really terrible wife if I just left you alone to deal with everything by yourself.”

“I’m not a child. I do not need you to fight my battles for me.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that you have spent a lifetime taking care of other people. Especially your father. But I’m here now. I’m here for you. Let me help you.”

Tears cascaded down Carina’s face. She hid behind her hands, her back against the wall, and when she slid down to the floor, Maya couldn’t stay away any longer. Carina curled into herself, her pain so sharp that Maya could feel it in the air around them. She could feel it in her own body.

“I am not like him,” Maya said, crouching in front of Carina. She set her hands lightly on Carina’s arms, wishing she could see her face. “I know for a long time it felt like I was, but I’m not. I am doing the work, I will always do the work because I want to be better for you. For us. For our baby.”

Carina sniffled loudly, her shoulders still shaking.

“It’s okay if you can’t trust that yet. I know what happened to me triggered you. I can see how hard you are trying to protect yourself, and I can see it’s tearing you apart,” Maya continued. “But I am not him, my love. He doesn’t see you. He’s never been able to see you. Because if he could, he would do everything in his power to never hurt you again. Everything.”

When Carina finally raised her head, Maya held her breath. There was every chance that Carina could tell her that the trust between them was shattered forever. That Maya’s words weren’t good enough. But Carina looked at her with eyes full of fear and need and Maya leaned forward, drawn in by that familiar electricity between them.

“He keeps saying horrible things about my Mama,” Carina confessed, still in tears. “And he says horrible things about you. About our marriage. I’ve begged him to stop, but he won’t.”

“That’s not okay, Carina. He can’t treat you like that.”

“I feel like every day I go and he hits me over and over with the things he says. He…he said that if Andrea was here, he would be more supportive, he would know what to say to the lawyers. He…he said that I’m the reason Andrea is not here.”

Maya pulled Carina forward, wrapping her arms around her body until Carina was practically in her lap, weeping against Maya’s chest.

“That’s not true,” Maya whispered, rocking Carina in her arms. “Not one word of it.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Hey, no. There’s nothing for you to be sorry about.”

“I can see how hard you are working with Dr. Lewis,” Carina said, sitting up to take Maya’s face in her hands. “I am so proud of you. It’s just…”

“Every time your dad got better, he would eventually go off his meds again and now you can’t trust that I’ll stay healthy either?”

Carina opened her mouth, her shocked expression enough to make Maya laugh.

“Gabriella had a lot to say,” Maya explained, relieved when Carina seemed to calm.

“It’s not fair to you. I know you are not him…it’s just in my head…”

The tears returned. Carina looked almost scared as she studied Maya’s face. As she held onto the sleeve of Maya’s shirt.

“I think I need help,” Carina whispered. “I think…I think I need to see a psychologist. I need help, Maya.”

Maya stroked Carina’s cheek, her grip never faltering.

“Okay,” she said. “Anything you need. Anything.”

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Like I am fighting my own mind…my own heart.”

She brushed her thumb over Maya’s lips and then leaned in, kissing her lightly. It felt like Carina was everywhere. Her fingers tracing Maya’s jaw. Her nose brushing across Maya’s forehead. As if she was trying to get closer, as if she’d been gone for a long time and was now finally safe and home.

“What do you want to do about your father?” Maya asked, sensing a shift, an opening.

“I don’t know. I don’t want him to go to jail. But he won’t listen to a word I say.”

“What do you want though?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you want to stay here? Do you want to leave? What do you want?”

“I can’t leave,” Carina sighed. “He’s my father. He has no one else.”

“You can leave. You’re allowed to be selfish, Carina. You’re allowed to do what’s best for you, even if it’s not what’s best for him.”

Carina frowned, taking that in.

“What do you want?” Maya asked again. “Not what he wants. Ignore him. Ignore everything. Ignore me. What do you want.”

She could see Carina fighting with herself. She could see the internal struggle between duty and obligation and expectations. But then Carina curled her hands into the front of Maya’s shirt, as if she was scared Maya may float away.

“I want to go home,” Carina said through small, quiet sobs. “Maya, I want to go home.”

“Then I’m going to take you home.”

“I want to go home,” Carina wept, lunging forward, burying her face in Maya’s neck.

Maya shouldered every tear, every anguished sigh. She took them in her arms and carried them on her back and held them so Carina didn’t have to.

When Carina was finally able to stand, she let Maya undress her. She let Maya do everything from helping her wash up for the night to crawling into bed.

“No pyjamas?” Maya asked, pulling her sweater over her head.

Carina frowned, reaching out. “I want to feel you.”

Under the covers, in the dark, Maya curved her body around Carina’s, spooning her from behind. She felt emotionally hungover and guessed Carina felt the same. When Carina took her hand, Maya expected her to slide it around her body for a hug, but instead Carina guided her lower, between her legs.

Maya raised an eyebrow, cupping Carina, wondering what Carina was thinking. Wondering why she needed Maya here like this.

“Tighter,” Carina whispered, squeezing her thighs together as Maya’s grip became more firm. Carina felt so soft against her palm, soft and warm, and it all made Maya feel protective.

“For so long, the only thing people saw when they looked at me was him,” Carina said, her voice barely perceptible. “I was his daughter. His legacy. And the way he looked at me…I was a disappointment. I was too much like my mother. When I moved to Seattle, I became Andrea’s sister. That’s what people saw. Not my work or my skill. Not my feelings.”

Maya kissed Carina’s shoulder, letting her speak, though every word broke her heart more and more.

“You saw me,” Carina continued, curving her hand over Maya’s. “You loved…me. Not because of my last name or in spite of it. Just me.”

“You are everything,” Maya said. “You’re my whole world, Carina.”

Carina sighed, the tension in her body finally dissipating for good.

“I want to be home for Christmas,” she said, her eyelids growing heavy.

“Okay,” Maya promised, watching as Carina drift off to sleep. “I’m going to take you home. I’m going to take care of everything.”

She could swear that even in her sleep, Carina’s lips lifted in the corners. A small acknowledgment that she’d heard Maya’s words.

That’s she’d heard them. And believed them.

~*~

Booking last minute flights two days before Christmas was not an easy task, but Maya was relentless. She let Carina sleep as she stayed on the phone with a travel agent, sparing no expense to make Carina’s wish come true.

If all went according to plan, they would arrive in Seattle on Christmas Eve, which meant that Maya had even more arrangements to make. Before their impromptu trip to Italy, she’d been working on a special present for Carina and now she needed an assist to make it happen. She just prayed Vic and Andy wouldn’t hate her for ignoring the time difference…

“Hey, my love, time to wake up,” Maya said when she was finally satisfied that everything was settled. She sat on the edge of the bed, stroking Carina’s hair, smiling with affection as Carina grumbled awake.

“Did I sleep in?”

“You did. But we need to get going. Our flight leaves in a few hours.”

Carina sat up, the blankets pooling around her hips.

“It does?” She was sleepy and adorable and her confusion only made her look impossibly more beautiful in the morning light.

“It does. We’re going to be home for Christmas Eve.”

“We are?”

Maya nodded, taking Carina’s hand. The happy smile on Carina’s face faded slightly as she exhaled.

“Do we have time to say goodbye to my dad? I want to tell him I’m leaving,” she said.

“We do. I’m going to be with you the whole time.”

Carina crawled into Maya’s arms, clingy and warm. “Thank you, Bambina.”

“Thank you for letting me in. Thank you for letting me be here for you. I know it’s hard, but…thank you.”

“I promise I will stop crying soon. It is like I am back on the hormones,” Carina laughed, her fingers threading through Maya’s hair.

Maya pressed her hand to Carina’s flat stomach, letting herself dream. “It’s good practice for when you’re pregnant.”

“Hmm. If we didn’t have a plane to catch, you would be getting very lucky right now, Maya Bishop.”

“Oh?”

Carina slipped out of bed, playfully swinging her hips as she walked towards the bathroom.

“Sì, oh,” she teased, leaving Maya with a head full of fantasies and no time to make them come true.

But there would be time. All the time. Christmas lights and cuddles and happiness. Because they’d earned it. They’re more than earned it.

They just had to survive one more encounter with Vincenzo DeLuca.

~*~

Carina told the driver to keep the car running. They left their baggage in the trunk, a clear indication that Carina wanted to be in and out of Vincenzo’s presence as quickly as possible. Maya kept an eye on her wife as they walked into the opulent villa side by side. At one time, the building had likely been a home for one of Rome’s wealthiest. It had since been turned into an apartment complex and Vincenzo owned the penthouse.

It was hard to read Carina as they took an elevator to the forth floor. She was quiet, but her shoulders were back, her chin raised. There was an air of defiance about her, as if she was internally preparing for a fight. Which she likely was.

Maya followed her out of the elevator and down a hallway, taking her hand when she came to a stop in front of a door marked 414. Carina didn’t knock, she walked in, her presence enough to startle everyone else in the room. Two men Maya guessed were lawyers sat at a dining room table surrounded by paperwork and standing close by, his face already pinched with annoyance, was Vincenzo.

She’d seen pictures of him, but in person, he was taller than she expected. His receding hairline and pointed nose were so unlike Carina that Maya found herself searching her father-in-law’s face for any sign of resemblance. He was a stranger to her. Carina favoured her mother’s side of the family – those perfect, warm eyes. That sloping nose. She couldn’t see any of it in Vincenzo’s features.

“This is not a public spectacle,” Vincenzo said, gesturing towards Maya. “You should go.”

Carina’s grip on Maya’s hand was unrelenting. “My wife has every right to be here.”

“Wife? Enough, Carina. Did you bring the coffee?”

“Papa, I am leaving.”

“Good. Bring the coffee when you return. And leave this one behind.”

Maya felt like she was watching a mean-spirited tennis match.

“Papa, I am going back to America,” Carina said. “You do not need me here. You have your lawyers.”

Vincenzo narrowed his eyes, his nostrils flaring. “You are leaving? Now? This is where you belong, Carina. You will stay here and I will go to court and clear my name and that is the end of this discussion.”

“No, Papa. I belong at home. With Maya. You obviously don’t even want me…”

“Want you? Why would I want you? You nag and nag like your mother. But you are the only child I have left, so I must make do, no?”

Carina took a step back. She looked like she’d been slapped. Maya knew it was not her place to get involved, but she also understood the power of words. She understood what it was to face down an angry father. She understood that wound.

“Sir,” she said, stepping in front of Carina. “With all due respect, you cannot talk to Carina like that.”

“Maya,” Carina whispered, her hand on Maya’s bicep.

“With all due respect,” Vincenzo sneered. “I did not ask for your opinion. You are not welcome here.”

“I don’t care whether I’m welcome or not,” Maya said. “I don’t care if you like me either. I don’t even care that you’re my father-in-law. All I care about is the fact that you disrespected my wife.”

“Americans, all so dramatic,” Vincenzo laughed. “Are you a lawyer? Are you a doctor? Why are you even here? Go home and fight your little fires.”

“Papa!” Carina gasped, horrified.

“What? You must rush home to deliver babies? They do not need you, Bella, trust me.”

Maya could read between the lines. She felt the weight of Vincenzo’s judgment: about her job, her intelligence. There was another voice in her ear, a voice that hissed loser, a voice that hissed you’re not good enough for her, you don’t deserve her.

But Maya was done with fathers and their angry voices. She was done with listening to lies and cruelty. And while she could take anything Vincenzo chose to throw at her, she would not stand by while he did the same to her wife.

“You really don’t see her, do you?” Maya asked, raising her chin. “You can’t see that she’s a walking miracle. She is kind and she is generous and she is forgiving even when she shouldn’t be. Every single day she brings life into this world. How can you not see how incredible she is? How are you not bursting with pride?”

Vincenzo was much taller than Maya, but she wasn’t intimidated by his height or the anger in his eyes.

“I do not need you to tell me about my own daughter,” he barked, waving a hand at Maya dismissively.

“I think you do,” she said. “Because the way you treat her is unacceptable. And I won’t allow it. Not anymore.”

“So now you speak for her? She cannot even speak for herself?”

“Of course she can speak for herself,” Maya sighed. “But she deserves to have someone speak up for her too.”

“And I suppose that someone is you,” Vincenzo shook his head, the sarcasm dripping for his words.

Maya could feel Carina’s hand on her arm, and it spurred her on.

“It is,” Maya said. “Until the day I die.”

Carina finally moved, linking her fingers with Maya’s as she stood beside her.

“Papa, I love you. I will always love you. But I cannot do this anymore,” she said. “You break my heart, Papa. Over and over again, you break my heart. I think it is best for both of us if I go home.”

“You will let your own father rot in jail?” Vincenzo no longer sounded angry. He seemed almost surprised, as if he couldn’t believe that Carina was actually choosing to leave.

“I hope it does not come to that,” Carina said. “I cannot help you anymore. You don’t want my help, Papa. You don’t want my opinion. Why should I stay?”

“Because that is what family does!”

Carina flinched, Vincenzo’s booming voice filling the room. But she also didn’t back down, despite the single tear now staining her cheek.

“Mama was my family,” she said. “Andrea was my family. Maya is my family.”

“She is not your blood! She is not your anything!” Vincenzo was yelling now, his face red in anger. “She cannot give you children! I do not care what is allowed in America. Here, she is nothing to you. In the eyes of God, she is nothing to you!”

Carina sniffled. Maya could see her chin wobbling and was about to speak up when Carina took a deep breath and exhaled.

“She is my everything. You do not need to understand it. Or accept it. You do not even need to acknowledge our marriage,” Carina said. “But she is my everything, Papa. And we are going home.”

“If you walk out that door, I never want to see you again!”

Carina brushed away a tear and nodded. “Ti voglio bene, Papa. Arrivederci.”

Without another word, Carina turned towards the door and Maya followed. They walked hand in hand away, even as Vincenzo screamed Carina’s name. His voice echoed off the marble hallway, it echoed until the elevator doors closed and they were finally alone.

“Everything,” Carina whispered, taking Maya’s face in her hands.

Maya pulled Carina into a hug, her lips close to Carina’s ear. “Everything.”

~*~

Carina was subdued as they sat in the back of the car and Maya wondered if the next part of her plan would be too much. Maybe it would be best to just go to the airport, get on the plane, and put this all behind them.

But Maya also wanted to make Carina smile again. She wanted to turn this disastrous trip into something positive.

“We have one more stop to make before the airport,” Maya said, rubbing her thumb across Carina’s knuckles.

“We do?”

Maya nodded, biting her lip to keep from spoiling the surprise.

The car stopped in front of an imposing Palazzo, and Maya pondered if every building in Italy was an architectural masterpiece. She quickly opened her door, reaching back to help Carina from the car, and before she could say anything, Gabriella appeared.

“Finally!” She said, grabbing hold of Carina’s shoulders. She kissed her on both cheeks, fussing about her jacket and her hair until Maya cleared her throat.

“Gabri?” Carina asked, clearly confused. “What are you doing here? What is this? Why…”

Gabriella handed Maya an envelope and turned away, drawing her finger across her lip. She started walking towards the building’s entrance, but Maya kept her hand on Carina’s arm, stopping her. Maya offered her the envelop and waited patiently as Carina pulled out the papers it held.

“Maya?” She breathed, her brow furrowed as she read the official forms.

“I thought we might want to add another silly piece of paper to our collection,” Maya said, tapping the notarized documents in Carina’s hands.

“A civil union?”

“What do you think?”

“But…how did you get this? We need a notary and forms from the American embassy and…”

“So, it turns out that Gabriella may have slept with an American ambassador’s son once? And I also e-transferred her a lot of money. But she assures me this is all legal,” Maya laughed. “We just need to go inside, sign it in front of a registrar, and then…well, you’ll be stuck with me for life, Babe. At least according to Italy.”

Carina was teary again, but her smile was blinding as she tossed both arms around Maya.

“Yes,” she said, tilting her head, finding Maya’s lips with her own.

“Mmm…yes?” Maya managed, barely able to tear herself away from Carina’s mouth.

There was a nod, and another kiss, and that smile. That beautiful, impossible smile.

The Sistine Chapel could hardly compare.

~*~

Seattle was buried under snow by the time they arrived.

They pulled up to their building at 11PM, both exhausted from hours of flying but relieved to finally be home. The world was quiet and full of anticipation as the clock slowly ticked towards midnight.

Towards Christmas.

Maya checked her texts carefully, not wanting Carina to see, which is why she forced Carina to pause before walking inside their apartment.

“I want my bed,” Carina whined with a pout, her annoyance growing as Maya stood behind her and placed both hands over her eyes.

“Okay, now you can go in,” Maya said, almost giddy with anticipation.

Carina grumbled but obeyed and when Maya removed her hands, Carina gasped at the sight that awaited them. Vic and Andy had really outdone themselves. It looked like Christmas had thrown up all over their apartment. From a Christmas tree weighted down with their favourite ornaments to fairy lights on every windowsill, every corner of the apartment had been decorated for the holidays. There were two stockings hanging on the mantle and presents beneath the tree. There was even eggnog in the fridge.

Maya owed her friend a lot of beer.

“How did you do this?” Carina asked, the lights from the tree glistening in her eyes.

Maya shrugged. “It wasn’t me. We obviously have an elf infestation.”

“Oh, is that so?” Carina slung both arms over Maya’s shoulders and looked up. A sprig of mistletoe had been strategically hung from the doorway and Maya made a mental note to take her friends out for dinner. Somewhere expensive. With steaks.

Someone had even left a matching set of flannel PJs on their bed, though Maya had certainly not asked for them. She groaned as Carina made her put them on, but soon they were both dressed in identical red and green pyjamas festooned with reindeers, cuddled on the couch in front of a roaring fire.

“Hey, so, Santa may have showed up a bit early this year,” Maya said, reaching into her pocket for the velvet box she’d grabbed from her underwear drawer.

Carina turned, her smile soft. “Bambina, what did you do?”

“Something I should have done a long time ago.”

She opened the box, revealing a simple pave band ring, gold, surrounded by small diamonds.

“I know a big diamond ring isn’t important to you or really your style,” Maya explained, “but I meant what I said all those years ago. I want to do everything with you, I want to get it right. And I realize we’re doing everything out of order, but you deserve an engagement ring, Carina. I…I want you to have an engagement ring.”

Carina’s eyes brimmed with tears, but she held out her hand, letting Maya slip the ring onto her finger where it sat just above her wedding ring.

“It’s beautiful,” Carina whispered, “It’s perfect.”

Maya leaned in for a kiss but Carina’s hand on her chest stopped her.

“Wait,” Carina laughed. “I got you something too.”

She dipped into the bedroom, returning with a very small gift bag.

“Were you secretly texting Vic and Andy?” Maya smirked, helping Carina back on the couch.

Carina shrugged, watching expectantly as Maya removed the tissue paper. At first, she wasn’t sure what she was looking at, but when she lifted the gift out of the bag, Maya felt her throat close.

The tiny navy onesie had SFD’s logo on the front and “Probie” written across the back. Maya stared at it, enchanted to the point of distraction until Carina moved closer on the couch.

“My father said a lot of things that were not true,” Carina sighed. “But I know you will be the mother of my children, Maya. You will give me babies in every way that matters.”

They had come so far from that night on the roof. Their foundation had never been stronger. And while Maya knew that Carina wanted to have children with her, while she knew that Carina would never move ahead with IVF if she had doubts about their relationship, hearing it out loud still brought Maya to tears.

She’d been so scared that not only had she lost her wife, but she’d lost their future too. Their baby. Yet here they were, married on multiple continents, dreaming of their growing family. A family that belonged to them and only them.

Carina believed in the dream too. Carina believed in her.

“Thank you,” Maya said, trying to keep her voice from shaking. She held the onesie to her chest, needing it close, and this time when she leaned in for a kiss, Carina didn’t stop her.

At midnight they walked hand in hand to their bedroom, both relieved to finally climb into their own bed after a week away. Carina immediately pressed herself to Maya’s side, her head on Maya’s shoulder, and all felt right with the world.

“I’m sorry our first trip to Italy was so terrible,” Carina said, lightly tickling Maya’s tummy beneath her top.

Maya shrugged. “It wasn’t that terrible. I came home with a civil partner and a cool statue of you.”

“A statue of me?”

“Yeah! Didn’t I show you?”

She’d left her carryon bag close to the bed and managed to reach into it and retrieve her souvenir goddess sculpture.

“It has no arms,” Carina said as Maya held it up for her to see.

“A small detail. But the boob likeness is uncanny.”

“The boob likeness?”

“You have goddess tier boobs, Babe. Own it.”

Carina pinched Maya’s hip, clearly exasperated. “Stupida…”

“Hey, is that any way to speak to your civil partner?”

Maya flipped Carina onto her back, laughing when she rolled her eyes. Eyes that contained pain. But so much joy too. Eyes that saw the good, eyes that saw her. That really saw her. And always had.

“Merry Christmas, my love,” Maya whispered.

Carina traced Maya’s jaw with her thumb and sighed.

“Merry Christmas, Bambina,” she said. “Thank you for bringing me home.”

As they kissed goodnight, Maya could swear she heard sleighbells somewhere in the distance. The snow continued to fall outside as ice formed on the windows, but Maya felt nothing but warmth. She held Carina close, and together they watched the world shift from darkness to light. Together they waited for the sun.