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PART 1: CONGRATS, IT'S TRIPLETS (NOW GRAB THEM AND RUN)
Chapter 1: Rituals for beginners: Not this one, apparently ~ 5400 words
POV Harry
A week after winter break ends, Harry asks Ron and Hermione for help with getting out of the Dursleys in a dusty, abandoned room on the seventh floor, and so they end up sneaking into the Library’s Restricted Section for possible answers (which they get).
A few days later they congregate on Harry’s bed in the evening to talk plans and eventually agree to go through with the ritual they found, even with it requiring a sacrifice.
The ritual happens on Imbolc in the room Harry shared his tragic backstory in that somehow turned itself into a perfectly creepy ritual room (I’d say we all know how). Hermione draws the circle and Harry sacrifices Scabbers with Ron’s permission, but something goes wrong. The ritual doesn’t stop as it should, their wands explode, and the kids faint while feeling extremely uncomfortable.
Chapter 2: Is it weird to adopt an adult after only knowing them for half an hour? Asking for a friend ~ 10700 words
POV Harry
The kids wake up and promptly panic at noticing a stranger inside the room with them. A room that has changed itself again to be comfier, but anyway. Don’t worry though, it’s just Tom! Who’s actually the scar horcrux only remembering his own traumatic childhood (because, like, soul splittings) and Harry’s traumatic childhood (because he was forced to watch it all).
Understandably, Tom is very much fond of the children and convinces them that no, actually he just wants family fluff. Which the kids deserve. And thus they should really think about whatever the hell they ended up doing with completing the ritual. Which is, to say, they accidentally erased every other family connection existing and made the four of them related instead. So basically Tom has triplets now. Who look really, really like tiny clones of him. And also, Tom has Lily’s eyes now like Harry. That’s an important fact.
They decide to leave Hogwarts (and get homeschooled, calm down Hermione, you won’t miss anything) but get busted by the Weasley twins, so Ron has the chance to say goodbye to them.
Tom captures Quirrel off-screen and absorbs the Voldy soul piece by thinking really hard about how much this all sucks while the kids are safely stashed away in a secrets passage.
They all leave Hogwarts through the Chamber of Secrets (because, understandably, Tom just can’t resist bragging to his new kids), walk through the Forbidden Forest until they reach the outside of Hogsmeade, and then get onto the Knight Bus.
Oh and the room dropped the tiara onto Tom’s head before he left, so they have that on them too.
Chapter 3: Wait, what do you mean I have to do paperwork to get the money? That wasn’t in the job description! ~ 9000 words
POV Harry
Tom and the kids get to Gringotts, where they are met with Garnack, Tom’s very grumpy and exasperated account manager.
Tom does an inheritance test and a family tree so now they know that he got saddled with three lordships (Peverell, Gaunt and Potter because of… reasons. Reasons being that Potter is kind of tied to Peverell in this fic because I want to let Harry keep it). And so the kids get a tiny lesson on noble houses because I had to stick the wordbuilding somewhere in there.
They choose a house, visit the vaults to get money and inheritance wands that were actually made especially for them. Because we had a seer wandmaker in the Peverell fam. I refuse to accept any criticism about that plot point.
So then they leave Gringotts, have brunch at McDonalds (cus Tom in there is a very funny image and also none of the kids had any in their life so their deserve it), quickly go grocery shopping and activate their portkey that whisks them away to their new home.
Chapter 4: And to your left are the—NO! BAD HORSE! SPIT OUT THE CORPSE RIGHT NOW! ~ 10500 words
POV Harry
It’s Home tour time! Which includes chatting with the portraits of the OG Peverell brothers, tears over choosing bedrooms, befriending the thestrals and getting rid of condemning evidence *cough* corpses *cough*, a bit of wandlore, cooking and eating dinner, a brief panic attack in the bathroom and then pleading their way into having a sleepover in Tom’s enormous bed.
Chapter 5: Really, we should get an Oscar for this ~ 4700 words
POV Minerva, Fred, Lee, Fred, George
Meanwhile at Hogwarts…
Minerva is alerted to Quirrel missing his class, then notices midway through Transfiguration that the trio is missing. And so she breaks down Dumbledore’s door demanding her kids back, who coincidentally gets floo-screeched at by Molly that Ron’s clock-finger-thingy has fallen (NO DON’T CRY FRED IS FINE AND WILL ALWAYS BE IN THIS FIC) and thus he’s dead. Period. So whatever the fuck has happened to Harry Potter and when are they getting him back so Ginny can ‘console’ him?
(Don’t worry, Ginny doesn’t suck in this.)
Dumbledore thus decides it’s prime time to leave Minny alone in his office and go off to gather the Order yet again, so she’s stuck with telling the Weasley twins that their littlest brother is very much dead with his friends likely the same or worse.
Fast forward to later, where Fred and George are planning their public reaction (as in more pranks) to losing their little brother and debating what to do with their siblings with the tragic backstory sprinkled in.
A few days later Lee is very much suspicious and annoyed that the twins are shutting him out in his opinion and decides to confront them. And so he gets brought into this whole mess and has an understandable meltdown. But he’s on board (because he can’t really do anything else, can he), so everything works out in the end!
Fred and George get sent home for the weekend and take the time to speak with every one of their remaining siblings. Ginny needs a bit of bribery because, like, she’s going to be the one bearing the brunt of their mother’s attention for the next few months and has to somehow survive, but she’s mostly alright with Ron faking his death. She’ll get cool stuff out of it at least. Bill and Charlie are on board and already know Occlumency because of their jobs, so that only leaves Percy, who is… much more okay with the situation than expected. Also Percy reveals that he was hiding near when the tragic backstory happened and thus shall need some fluff to happen to him in the near future in the twins’ opinion.
Chapter 7: If you don’t have a spouse for alibi, kidnapped is fine ~ 6200 words
POV Regulus
Regulus gets rescued from his imprisonment by a very handsome individual. Who sadly turns out to be his former boss. And now he feels like he should be killed while at least standing and not being princess carried, please and thank you.
Fortunately for us all, Tom explains that he’s def not Voldy and kinda kidnaps Regulus home. Where he meets the children. Who are very offended that they took their eyes off their dad for one damn day and he’s brought home a possible partner. Or, like, kidnapped. Which is even worse.
Tom drops Regulus into his bathtub because he doesn’t want him to get a cold, he’s responsible like that, but he miscalculates and Regulus ends up having a panic attack. Tom has gotten very good at making those go away thankfully, and thus hurt-comfort moment. And more explanations with Regulus kinda thirsting over how good his not-boss looks. And ends up panicking again when he gets told he’s been in the freezer for a decade, but anyway.
In the end, Regulus decides he absolutely can’t let Tom take care of three impressionable children unsupervised, who knows what he’ll teach them (which thought process is in no way influenced by him not wanting to go back to the empty Grimmauld Place with only Kreacher and his mother’s screeching portrait, coupled with the fact that Tom is awfully pretty and he wants that). And so he proposes a marriage of convenience / fake-dating thing with mpreg sprinkled into the fake backstory they still have to hash out, because the concept makes me crack up.
The kids crash the conversation and agree that this is an amazing idea, yes they want Regulus to stay, please be our other father the current one might bring back a worse candidate next time.
And thus another sleepover, you are welcome.
Chapter 7: If you don’t have a spouse for alibi, kidnapped is fine ~ 6200 words
POV Regulus
Regulus gets rescued from his imprisonment by a very handsome individual. Who sadly turns out to be his former boss. And now he feels like he should be killed while at least standing and not being princess carried, please and thank you.
Fortunately for us all, Tom explains that chill he’s def not Voldy and kinda kidnaps Regulus home. Where he meets the children. Who are very offended that they took their eyes off their dad for one damn day and he’s brought home a possible partner. Or, like, kidnapped. Which is even worse.
Tom drops Regulus into his bathtub because he doesn’t want him to get a cold, he’s responsible like that, but he miscalculates and Regulus ends up having a panic attack. Tom has gotten very good at making those go away thankfully, and thus hurt-comfort moment. And more explanations with Regulus kinda thirsting over how good his not-boss looks. And ends up panicking again when he gets told he’s been in the freezer for a decade, but anyway.
In the end, Regulus decides he absolutely can’t let Tom take care of three impressionable children unsupervised, who knows what he’ll teach them (which thought process is in no way influenced by him not wanting to go back to the empty Grimmauld Place with only Kreacher and his mother’s screeching portrait, coupled with the fact that Tom is awfully pretty and he wants that). And so he proposes a marriage of convenience/fake-dating thing with mpreg sprinkled into the fake backstory they still have to hash out, because the concept makes me crack up.
The kids crash the conversation and agree that this is an amazing idea, yes they want Regulus to stay, please be our other father the current one might bring back a worse candidate next time.
And thus another sleepover, you are welcome.
Chapter 8: Get a room and spare us the trauma, I beg you ~ 7700 words
POV Regulus, Ron, Tom
Regulus is acclimatising himself to family fluff, occasionally getting attacked by angsty thoughts while he browses the library. But at least Tom has the chance to flirt with him because Regulus is smol and Tom isn’t and thus he reaches the top shelves. And then Tom notices what kind of book he’s holding and runs off to research a cure for Nagini!
Later, Regulus is teaching the kids how to dance and Ron gets told that he’s smart. Period. Like, give the kid some love, he deserves it. Also Tom swoops in to waltz with Regulus and Kreacher has to interrupt to save his favourite master’s virtue.
Tom ruminates over his love at first sight and at the same time emotional ineptitude. And also angsts. A bit. And all that while drawing a ritual circle. But anyway, he successfully completes Nagini’s ritual and Regulus bundles the both of them into blankets because Nagini is understandably human for the first time in decades and Tom managed to magically drain himself.
And then Nagini boots Regulus out of the guest room, so Tom graciously shares his own. Absolutely without any hidden intent.
Chapter 9: We had one, yes. But what about second adoption? ~ 11400 words
POV Harry
Adoption at Gringotts!
First Nagini gets sibling-adopted by Tom which changes her appearance, and then the kids get adopted by Regulus which doesn’t really change much in theirs, just that Ron and Hermione now have the characteristic Black silver eyes and Harry can now brighten and dim his own vivd green ones. And maybe more, who knows?
So then the kids tell Regulus to name then, which gets real emotional really, and I hate to do this to you but fear not, the new names will only appear in dialogues. So now Harry is Polaris (Ris), Ron is Asterion (Rion), and Hermione is Carina (Rina). They are all Blacks by name (and blood), even Tom who decides to spite Dumbledore and take up his husbands name, which leaves Nagini (now Genevieve a.k.a. Aunt Gini/Genie cus why not) with Riddle.
The kids freak out when they realise that Harry’s middle name is now Sirius (the mass murderer who betrayed his parents apparently) Ron’s is now Barty (one of the people that tortured Neville’s parents into insanity) and Hermione’s is Narcissa (Malfoy’s mum, which might just be the worst of all), and Regulus also freaks out, because wtf when did all that happen, and so they resolve to look into the matters. Later.
Also, heirships. Harry gets the Peverell one (with Potter added because he can’t really separate them until he has two kids) and Ron gets talked into accepting the Gaunt one, while Hermione is promised to become Heiress Black when Regulus becomes the lord of his house.
They visit the vaults to a) get Hermione a ring with protections like the heir rings have, can’t leave the baby defenceless after all and b) Tom gets down to one knee and finally puts a ring to Regulus’ finger. Also c) Ron gets Ginny a gift because she deserves it.
They get home, Tom runs off for a portkey, and then they go to France to visit Regulus’ friend Pierre who is a fashion designer. They share their fake backstory. Get pretty clothes designed. Get home and fall into bed. The end.
Chapter 10: And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids ~ 7700 words
POV Tom, Harry, Regulus
Tom breaks into Malfoy Manor Indiana Jones style. And gets busted by Lucius the moment he manages to get the last piece of his soul back. But no worries, he convinces Lucius that no, he’s def not Voldemort, in fact, he’s his son, the guy is dead, and they are all the better for it. Lucius is understandably very much relieved and is about to escort Tom the hell out of his property when Narcissa appears all femme fatale. Tom is allowed to leave in one piece after he alludes to the fact that he's married to an alive Regulus, with children, and she’s invited for tea tomorrow.
Upon getting home, Regulus tells Tom about them receiving a letter from his grandfather, Lord Arcturus Black, who wants to meet them. And they would accidentally almost smooch too if it weren’t for the kids bursting in.
Tom tells the kids about Ilvermorny School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which is our chosen future school for the kids in order for them to not have to learn another language in the span of a few months.
And then Narcissa comes over for tea, cuddles the kids, Tom and Regulus spill the beans, and in the end Narcissa herds the children out so the two can actually smooch for real. For the first time.
Chapter 11: We’re gonna die, we’re gonna die, he’s gonna kill us, we’re gonna die ~ 6200 words
POV Harry, Tom, Reg
Reg interrupts the kids’ potions lesson with news that his grandfather, the venerable Lord Arcturus Black III wants to meet them all.
Later, Tom browses the necromancy section of the library when he decides to just asks the castle for what he wants, and thus gets a useful book. After reading it for a while, Cadmus interrupts him and shares that it was actually his journal, and the summoning ritual Tom needs is towards the end. Because Tom wants to give our baby Harry some closure. Kid deserves fluff. But anyway, some more moments later Tom’s thought process gets interrupted by mysterious piano music, which he goes to check out, and finds Regulus playing. Understandably, Tom absolutely loves the sight. And Regulus. Naturally. Upon noticing his presence, Regulus offers to teach Tom how to play too, which he accepts. At first it goes… as well as you would expect after Tom basically lovingly staring at Regulus’ excited explanations instead of actually retaining any information, but later he gets it. Which Regulus is very happy about. And thus Tom capitalises on that and they start making out on the piano.
Few days later, Tom, Regulus and the kids visit Arcturus (Nagini is probably visiting Cissa her new bff), whom is absolutely delighted to have new great-grandchildren. he isn’t even mad that they are from Tom. Really. There’s some brainstorming about getting Sirius out of prison, and the kids leave after making Arcturus promise that her and Melania will visit after she gets home from her cousins.
Chapter 12: Not your typical family reunion, that’s for sure ~ 7900 words
POV Harry, Tom
Poor Harry gets a panic attack while Tom draws up a ritual circle, because no, he’s very much not okay about meeting his parents in a scant few minutes. He gets calmed down and hugged though, which is better. And then we actually meet a corporeal James and Lily! They are very, very solid. Which means hugs for Harry! And endless teasing for Tom, of course. Aaand Lily confirms that he’s partly her, so yay, another mental breakdown!
Next day Ron gets his birthday celebrated, which means fluff (even if he’s angsting about it a bit). But let’s appreciate Ron. He deserves it.
Three days later Tom visits Azkaban, hates stairs, meets Sirius and kinda breaks his mind (lovingly). And then modifies his memories before leaving for home because we wouldn’t want to accidentally get busted via Veritaserum in a month, now would we?
Chapter 13: Politics are fun. No really, these are happy tears ~ 7100 words
POV Tom
Hermione invades Tom and Regulus’ bedroom at ass o’clock to inform them that they immediately should pack up and go shopping because the booklist has come from Ilvermorny and it’s vital that she gets her schoolbooks. Now. Tom, sleepy as hell, somehow manages to convince her that they will go tomorrow, but today’s the first Wizengamot session regulus and him will attend and he won’t have any braincells left over after that.
In the (very early) morning, Tom drinks a pot of caffeine and waves teary goodbye to the kids to go deal with idiots at the ministry. Arriving in the atrium, Arcturus comes to pick him and Regulus up, but they have to leave Tom behind at the entrance of the Wizengamot Chamber. But hey, at least Tom has some worthwhile human interaction with the two auror guards standing before it, so there’s that. And then Tom actually enters the chamber and can mess with Dumbledore! Like, fuck you old man! I exist! And you can’t do anything against it!
After Tom claims his seats (yes, plural, fuck you Dumbles) and sits through hours of stupidity, he gets a lunch break. Which he spends harassing the minister about Sirius’ trial with Lucius, but anyway. And then he goes to the cafeteria and we finally meet the friend group! God I love the friendgroup. It consists of Thaddeus Nott, Corvus Lestrange and Archie (don’t call him Archiebald) Flint, and they are very happy to have Tom back. Now. It’s still setting in that the idiot is back after a decade of silence and Tom will suffer for it, but. Now they are just happy to have him back and tease him about finally settling down in marital bliss.
And Sirius has a trial date set! Yay!
Tom’s braincells are very much dead though.
Chapter 14: One more scratch from that quill and I will show it down your throat ~ 8300 words
POV Hermione, Tom, Reg
What a wonderful morning— would this be if it weren’t for Hermione’s homicidal urges coming to light because her shiny new family members are way too slow in their morning preparations for her liking. After all, this is the day they finally go out to Diagon to buy their new school books, and she’s being deprived of a new well of knowledge! But anyway, they step through to the Leaky Cauldron, Hermione ruins one (1) rude guy’s day, and after Cissa steals Nagini away to get a wand for her they also separate from Tom, who is going to the offices of the Daily Prophet.
There, Tom gets the dubious pleasure of giving an interview to Rita Skeeter with a tearful reveal of his ‘tragic backstory’. When done with that, he meets up with Nagini and Cissa peacefully chatting at a café. Nagini shows off her new wand, they tease each other, and after leaving the picturesque terrace Narcissa gets reminded that her family situation is shit and she would really like to reconnect with Andromeda. So Tom jumps in with the wonderful idea that they should totally pay her a visit, it absolutely won’t backfire. No way. No chance. Also Cissa hints at the fact that she wasn’t able to have another child after Draco, but we’re gonna get her something nice, don’t worry. If only so Regulus won’t exile Tom to the couch for making his favourite cousin cry in broad daylight.
On another note, while all this was happening Regulus was shopping with the kids since morning and his brain is very mushy by now. He likes shopping just fine, but this was a lot. I guess he got unused to crowds? But they are at the restaurant now, and Tom and Cissa and Nagini have arrived, so life is good. Life would be even better if his husband would be willing to do anything more than kiss him, but oh well. A fun late lunch is had.
Chapter 15: With friends like these, who needs enemies ~ 6000 words
POV Reg, Sev
Again, it’s a wonderful morning. Until a letter from Severus Snape disrupts breakfast (and Regulus’ peace of mind).
After angsting over the situation a bit, Regulus later decides (on Tom’s lap, where else) that they should absolutely just make the man listen to the full explanation, what with them not being able to dupe him anyhow. And so the next day Regulus goes over to the Hog’s Head, gives the slightest of mental breakdowns to Severus, lures him over home. Where Severus has several more more mental breakdowns, even before Regulus reveals the truth. Which Severus is not at all happy about, but oh well. He’ll have to just suck it up.
The next morning, Severus stumbles into the headmaster’s office and reveals that wtf why didn’t Albus tell him that the supposed dark lord is Lily’s brother actually.
Albus chokes twice.
Chapter 16: Isn’t it nice when the consequences of your actions come to bite you in the arse ~ 6400 words
POV Tom, Sev
Tom’s friends visit. It goes roughly as well as you would expect.
But hey, at least they are on board? And Tom is already forming a plan to get Rodolphus and Rabastan out of prison, so Corvus should be mollified too!
Also, gifts. The kids get gifts. Actually so does Tom and Regulus, but he definitely won’t touch that with a ten foot pole until it is deemed harmless and… uh, out of the children’s sight.
And as a treat, you get to see Severus suffer through the end of an Order meeting. He hates it so very much, it was a joy to write.
Chapter 17: My sister says I am not allowed to say anything else without a lawyer present ~ 6000 words
POV Harry, Tom
Harry, Ron and Hermione visit the wonderfully magical little village of Fairbrook that’s roughly a thirty minute walk from home under the dubious supervision of Nagini. The place is picturesque, the people are nice and they have lots of fun! Until of course Harry notices a tiny snake gliding through the grass towards where some kids are playing football. So he goes to the rescue. And subsequently gets tackled by an overly excited possible relative babbling at him in Parseltongue.
Fast forward to later, Harry and co. go over to said relative’s (Matt, my baby boy OC) grandparents Sebastian and Ominis (I had to do it and you know it). Wherein their fake backstory gets busted, but oh well. The grandpas are on board at least?
Sebastian, Ominis and little Matt escort the kids (and a very amused Nagini) home, Tom freaks out without anyone the wiser, and the new relatives integrate themselves into our lives. Just like that.
Also Tom and Regulus absolutely do the adult-cuddles that night at Regulus’ insistence. I just couldn’t write it, so… Use your imagination.
Chapter 18: No amounts of caffeine will chase this coming migraine away ~ 5800 words
POV Tom
After a successful trial, Tom and Regulus visit Sirius in Saint Mungoos. The poor man is as well as you would expect: namely in a terrible shape, what with the malnourishment, trauma and, uh, whatever the healers gave him that momentarily addles his mind. But after a tearful brother-brother reunion Grandpa Arcturus comes to the rescue and sends Tom and Reg home to rest. Which just ends up with Regulus crying on Tom’s shoulder for obvious reasons, but anyway.
So that night Tom breaks into Azkaban, legilimises the entirety of Sirius’ past prison corridor, and after an almost disastrous conversation with Rabastan inside the man’s mind modifies some memories. And then he goes home and gets chewed out by Regulus for his stupidity. But at least in a fluffy way?
Chapter 19: Double, Double, toil and trouble— Wait, so that’s not actually how traditional celebrations go? And here I was, looking forward to the virgin sacrifices ~ 8200 words
POV Harry
It’s Ostara! Which means morning meditations, breakfast picnic with the thestrals in the clearing, planting seeds, decorating an altar, and a tea party at the Greengrasses in the afternoon.
Also Ron might have the sight. And Harry wonders pretty much at everything, but mostly at the fact that his life isn’t shit anymore. And the baby meets his magical core! It’s green and sparkly! And he can finally start on building his mind palace, which will be very cosy and warm and soft and—
Err. Well. There’s lots of outfit descriptions in this because I got lost on Pinterest.
Oh, also we might just be related to actual Death the deity. Allegedly not according to the three OG Peverells, but their accounts are dubious at best.
Chapter 20: No, you can’t have a sip, it’s alcoholi— NAGINI STOP GIVING THEM COCTAILS YES I KNOW THAT THEY ARE GROWING CHILDREN NO THAT ISN’T AN EXCUSE ~ 5000 words
POV Ron, Tom, Harry
We arrive to the tea party, wherein we meet the lovely Astoria Greengrass and her sister’s stupid fiancé whom we immediately swear revenge on. We will get rid of him. Eventually.
The food’s good though? And the place is pretty. Sooner rather than later the kids escape back to Astoria to pet bunnies, and Tom is left with Regulus, Nagini and the Malfoys to gather intel about various people. And then Narcissa spots a possible child predator and sicks Lucius on the guy. And then blackmails Tom into having Draco over in the spring break so her son will finally stop whining about when he gets to meet his newly discovered cousins and why isn’t Harry Potter back yet.
And then there’s dancing and happiness and drinking (hopefully for only the adults but who knows), and Harry is picked up and brought home in blissful dozing.
Chapter 21: One more step and you might just learn how good I got at wandless magic ~ 6900 words
POV Hermione, Tom, Remus
We visit Saint Mungo’s finally! With the kids!
That is, Hermione is fully ready to chomp down on Dumbledore’s white beard if he dares take one more step closer, but Lucius jumps to the rescue. No matter how strange it is to hear that.
A visiting Neville steals the kids away for a bit because they are bored and Neville is nice, and thus they invade the room of Frank and Alice. There are tears. But there is Tom too after a moment, who gets to take a quick peek into Frank’s mind and declares it really fucked up just when Grandma Longbottom arrives! Who immediately recognises him. Tom just has the worst luck, am I right?
And we then briefly get to meet Pads. There are even more tears there.
A bit later we see Remus wallow in misery as he reads Dumbledore’s letter that is requesting a meeting after a decade of silence.
ALSO CAMEO OF THE WEREWOLF FARM FOR I LIVE FOR THE WEREWOLF FARM AND YOU CAN PRY THEM FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS
It may be more of a ranch since there are horses
But my point stands
Chapter 22: Just Me, Myself and the Random Dude visiting my mind ~ 9400 words
POV Tom, Remus
Tom comes over to the Longbottoms to fix this shit. Or at least to size up how hard it will be to fix this shit. So we get to meet Frank and Alice! Fortunately for everyone, they are much more sane than they seem outside of their minds, just… umm… let’s just say that whoever *khmm suspicious blue eyes khmm* had locked them inside their minds will… not have a kind end. Or a quick one.
Also we have another off-screen Longbottom session, and then we summon Orion and Abraxas a few days later. It goes… probably better than anyone expected, it just results in another round of crying.
Also also Remus actually meets Dumbledore. That meeting goes just about how Remus expected it, only with much more violent commentary from Moony than appropriate for a school setting.
Yes I made Moony conscious. It was the most fun I had at that time and I’m not sorry.
Chapter 23: Sometimes you just have to listen to the little voice inside your head (though it could dial back on the thirst) ~ 7000 words
POV Remus, Andromeda
Remus joins the crew at Saint Mungo’s! And immediately busts them upon seeing Harry. Like, duh, werewolf. It’s Tom’s fault for not using scent blockers or some such shit. But Remus is on board! And gets to make out with Pads on a hospital bed!
He could do without the thirsty commentary though, thanks, Moony.
Also a bit later Tom, Regulus and Narcissa visit Andromeda. And no one even comes to harm! Mostly. At least Dumbledore will have to think twice now about doing anything to literally any of the Blacks, because they are now one unit and thus will move and curse as one.
Chapter 24: ‘I’m going to have such a headache after this’ will probably be written on my grave at this point ~ 5800 words
POV Tom, Regulus
Tom manages to fic both Longbottoms on his third try! Even if Frank technically stabs himself with a sword. And Alice and her panther tear out each other’s throat with their teeth. But at least they are good now? Tom faints though. He messed himself up bad.
On another note, at least Alice gets to badger Regulus when the man comes to pick his husband up!
And we also get two new adults on our site, and Harry will finally be able to socialize with his godbrother. Don’t we love it when everything works out?
Chapter 25: Area Preteen SHOCKED When Amazing Quiddich Skills Are Somehow To His Detriment ~ 6500 words
POV Harry
Spring break starts! Finally. Which means that Draco comes over! The day goes much better than Harry expects it to, with playing lots of board games, flying and visiting the thestrals!
Also we unlock some tragic backstory before Draco unfortunately manages to rub his two braincells together and break down crying upon witnessing Harry dive for the snitch.
In the end the trio drags Draco back into the house wherein they are greeted with Kreacher’s fine pastries, and sit down to discuss with Tom and Narcissa how much they messed up. Which they didn’t. Really. It’s not their fault that Harry’s disregard for his own safety kinda became his signature quidditch move.
Chapter 26: Thomas Black: Dark Lord in disguise (and doing an awful job at it) ~ 7300 words
POV Dora, Neville
Nymphadora Tonks is here to play spy of the century, thank you very much. And she’s not at all impressed by the Dark Lord pretending to be her new wholesome cousin! She thinks the kids are wicked though. Especially when they give her the perfect snooping opportunity while touring the house. So Dora manages to copy some of Tom’s paperwork not-at-all-suspiciously lying around in his office, has a damn good time playing with the kids, and gets to feel both first and second hand embarrassment when Tom accidentally pats her head too!
The next day before Harry and co. come over, Neville tends to his garden and has a heartfelt conversation with Frank while at it. And a slight panic attack. But he’s good! I swear! He can get all the hugs he wants now! And answering Frank’s question, he’s pretty non-hostile towards Tom actually, since the man made himself useful and fixed his parents. And made Harry happy. That also factors into his tolerance. Also it turns out that Frank and Alice came back a bit changed from their mind prisons, which becomes evident when the man sprouts wings to reacquire Neville’s watering can from a playful lily. Fun fact: Alice can now grow fangs, claws, cat ears and a tail, has a great sense of balance and likes to nap in sunny spots. And she can much more easily rip out your throat. So can Frank. Neville thinks they are wicked.
Oh and we officially have a restraining order against Uncle Algie until Alice decides how she wants to dismember him. I’m sure she’ll have much fun with that.
Chapter 27: Quick question: WHAT THE FUCK ~ 8900 words
POV Harry, Theo, Daphne
To start with, Harry reminisces about his trip to the Longbottoms yesterday, during which he realised that he loves his new godbrother and the boy’s parents with all his heart. Very precious. Must protect. And then Draco bursts into the room and drags him away to the Malfoy greenhouse just to critique their manners. Harry, naturally, decides that Draco needs a reality check, and thus he proceeds to show Draco his Dursley-induced scars and traumatise him even more with friendly banter as Ron and Hermione share their slightly less tragic backstories. I doubt we can blame Draco for immediately wanting to bundle the three up into blankets and hide them away from the world forever.
The next visit happens at Nott Manor, where Theo has five different existential crises, but at least he manages to bond with the triplets while his mum interrogates Tom and Thaddeus off-screen.
The last part covers Daphne panicking over many things both before and during the sleepover Astoria drags her over to, realising that Regulus and Tom are the most gorgeous sight to ever grace her eyes and hopelessly in love, unexpectedly has a good time, and falls asleep peacefully.
Chapter 28: There’s no place like (your boyfriend’s) home ~ 5600 words
POV Sirius, Remus, Albus
Sirius gets out of Saint Mungo’s! Fucking finally. Remus is truly a dear and princess-carries him through the floo to visit the Tom and co., which means lots of hugs and meeting the thestrals! Tom is starting to like Tom, though he’s kind of in denial about it, but he’s at least ready to admit that he doesn’t blame the man for the death of his James and Lily and Harry’s tragic past. That honour is all Albus’ now.
A bit later Remus brings his boyfriend home. It becomes apparent that the entire pack is here for the drama. Sirius of course seems to love the attention, and even gets a kiss in! Remus will just have to contend with the endless teasing and casual cuddles for forever now.
The same night, Albus Dumbledore is contemplating his situation when Severus comes to report on the Blacks’ spring break activities. No, he still doesn’t believe that Tom is not TOM, but Severus manages to subtly redirect his suspicions towards poor little Matthew Sallow.
I guess we’ll have an entertaining next year, won’t we?
Chapter 29: Let’s be real we all know how this night ends ~ 8200 words
POV Harry, Regulus, Dora
We start the day with Beltane activities, including morning meditation (during which Harry maps out his mind palace in the form of a bookshop), breakfast picnic with the thestrals, leaving out offerings for the fae, tidying up in their rooms (since the elves hijacked the rest of the house), making an altar and praying-slash-showing gratefulness to Lady Magic.
In the evening, we arrive to the Ogdens’ Beltane celebration (*cough* orgy *cough*) wherein the Sallows are at last in attendance, the kids have fun with the maypole, Tom gets mobbed by his cousins, Regulus, Sirius and Remus interrogate Amelia Bones about the Harry Case, and Tom accidentally steals Luna. It’s all very fluffy and fun.
Much later into the night, Dora is wandering the surrounding forest with a sleepy kid in her arms, because of course she does, it wouldn’t be her if something didn’t happen, and finally finds herself back in a clearing. And faced with The Prettiest Boy Ever. She’s very quickly persuaded to come over and tell the boys’ mum all about how she fought a bear to save little Arum, and maybe will even have the chance to have a bit of fun with Pretty Boy, who’s called Zephyranthes actually. Not sure if Dora will manage to remember that, but that’s his name.
(Yes, Zeph’s a faeiry. Remus is off limits, so I’m letting Dora fuck a fairy. I read The Cruel Prince way too fast not to.)
Also the next morning (off-screen) Regulus gets a potion for his birthday from Tom that will eventually let him understand Parseltongue. Tom struck gold with all the journals contained in their library.
Chapter 30: *Watches incriminating footage* My client is innocent Your Honour ~ 4100 words
POV Severus, Lucius, Arcturus
On a bright and sunny Sunday morning a day after Beltane, Severus is walking through the streets of a shitty mining town because Albus decided that after a night of socialising it would do him some good to also hand-deliver the Hogwarts letter to a kid that apparently wasn’t opening the owl-delivered ones. Upon arrival to the house, Severus gets has a heart attack due to dodging a bottle flying at his head and coming face to face with a tiny girl version of Lucius glaring at him. And also there’s a drunk aunt. Why wouldn’t there be. But with this Severus has the right to remove the girl from the premises! Yay social services! Except the kid has the common sense to not just obediently let a suspicious stranger basically kidnap her and tries to run. I doubt Severus is saddened that his Petrificus Totalus ends up with the kid sprawled facedown in the dirt.
Lucius, not an hour later, has probably several more heart attacks between getting notified to immediately get his arse over to the Department of Child Welfare and actually arriving, and then another one when he opens the door and his mini-him is munching on his irate best friend’s arm. He can’t run though, because Severus grabs him and drags him in! And so Lucius is forced to look through a family tree. It at least clears up that he thankfully hadn’t committed infidelity without his knowledge. It was his great-grandfather. Well, Narcissa at least will surely be elated at the chance to raise a daughter, right?
On Thursday at last, Rodolphus and Rabastan (and Bella, but she gets shipped off back to Azkaban don’t worry) get their re-trials! They win, of course, and are acquitted due to Tom having worked his magic back in Chapter 18, though Barty is yet to be recovered. But since Crouch Senior is carted off by the aurors, I’m sure it’s just a matter of hours! Also, Arcturus wonders at why the hell Augusta isn’t flipping out but is unwilling to poke that issue. While hurrying out of the Ministry he gets waylaid by Rita Skeeter, and basically tells her to fuck herself and come over for tea tomorrow, he’s not dealing with this shit now. And then he goes over to Saint Mungo’s to dissolve Rodolphus and Bellatrix’s marriage so at least the man will be free of her influence. Corvus is as happy as he can be while stuck outside his sons’ hospital room, but does find it in himself to tell Arcturus that not noticing that Orion was also basically in the same situation wasn’t exactly his fault. It’s very cute of him. Arcturus is pretty moved.
Chapter 31: So uh I might be in deep shit. Just a possibility. But for real no I definitely am ~ 7200 words
POV Regulus, Dora
Regulus brings Tom and the kids to visit Rabastan and Rodolphus in Saint Mungo’s. Barty’s already there, because immediately after the boys’ trial Crouch Sr was apprehended and his house raided, and with everything already having come to light, Barty was just shooed off to the hospital. And then probably stolen by the delirious twins and plopped in-between them.
As I’ve said, Barty’s an unofficially adopted Lestrange now. Since I threw the threesome idea out the window after RoseKiller got me in a chokehold over on Instagram.
There’s fake backstory shared because Regulus currently isn’t comfortable talking secrets when any random person could open the door on them, and knowing those three they would start shouting in the first minute, so actual explanations will have to wait for later. But Rodolphus tells us how he got under Bella’s influence, so. At least he’s honest. And sad. And like, Barty got a godson?
After they are booted out of the room by Healer Ilias Parkinson, Regulus just about manages to convince him with a fake sob story hinting at Harry’s (kinda) fake traumatic past experiences resulting in his many scars to take their medical history and give them their required shots if they are missing any.
The next day, Dora visits Arcturus and Melani because apparently the pretty fae boy she fucked on Beltane is making moves and she has no clue what to do about it. But she isn’t opposed, per say. Which can’t be said for Arcturus (unlike Melania who’s already hearing wedding bells and baby babbles) who demands a visit from Fae Boy. Dora is a fully treasured member of the Ancient and Noble House of Black, she deserves proper courting! And Arcturus, as her newly discovered beloved grandfather (or something like that) needs to check if the boy even knows what that is!
Chapter 32: Let there be dragons (and dragonfuckers YES I’M LOOKING AT YOU CHARLES SEPTIMUS WEASLEY NO I DON’T CARE THAT THEY HAVE A HUMAN FORM YOUR BROTHER’S IN THE AUDIENCE) ~ 6500 words
POV Harry, Narcissa
Arcturus and Melania kidnap Dora and the kids for the weekend to visit Romania. We start with Charlie Weasley giving them a tour of the Romanian Dragon Sanctuary, wherein we meet many dragons and a few of their handlers. Headcanons in the end notes. Turns out dragons can be very affectionate. Who knew? Why, it’s mating season too!
…Alright, I’ll stop. But seriously, read the end notes. Anyway, after that, the Lord and Lady Black take the kids and Dora (mainly the latter but I’m sure the kids also enjoy it) to a Weird Sisters concert happening in the countryside in the evening off-screen, then do some sight-seeing in the magical towns before heading home the next day, also off-screen. Just so you know.
A few days later, we see Narcissa partaking in her morning routine with her new daughter, with the occasional flashback peppered in. Lavinia reads a letter from Draco while having her hair brushed, and Narcissa wishes her son could sound less ominous about his excitement at having a new little sister.
Chapter 33: Heading down the slippery slope of nope ~ 4000 words
POV Harry, Dora
On a bright, sunny Saturday the triplets visit Luna. Her and Harry are happily drawing onto her house’s outer walls while Ron and Hermione play badminton. until of course Ginny crashes into Ron and the two start wrestling in the grass because ‘what the fuck did you mean by CHARLIE IS PROBS FUCKING A DRAGON???’ Which is an entirely understandable reaction from Ginny. Honest. We could all relate if we read that letter I’m sure.
Anyway, while they try to strangle each other, Dora’s fae boyfriend appears searching for advice on what the hell he should do since he’s been invited over to Black Manor for a little ‘chat’ and he has no clue if it’s going to end up in a wedding or a funeral.
The kids throw some ideas at him, Nagini as the sole adult supervision laughs a lot, and Ginny doesn’t even stab him! Regulus even comes over to help off-screen, so everything’s fine. Really. No one gets kidnapped. And Ginny even gets her birthday present a few days early (the snake-bracelet from the Peverell Vault that can turn into a sword. In case you were wondering).
A few hours later Dora is leading her boyfriend to his doom a.k.a. meeting Arcturus, Melania, Andromeda and Ted. They step into the room. Zeph pulls out a bouquet larger than their heads together. Dora considers yeeting themselves out the window.
Chapter 34: Just some people being very close to homicide, so basically your usual weekend ~ 4400 words
POV Tom, Lavinia
We are witness to another Jily summoning session, now with Sirius, Remus and both the Longbottoms added. Because at this point why not. I make the rules.
Anyway, it comes up that the Wizengamot is being stupid as usual but more so now because they apparently voted okay for unannounced house searches on any noble families, and you just know who’s going to be first in line. So Tom bitches about how annoyed he rightfully is, and then the topic changes to Lavinia existing, tomorrow’s her adoption actually, and, well, Tom pretty much forgot that they should get a gift or something because he was too busy de-damning-evidencing the library. But the family at least got their shots now? And Tom’s internal monologue mentions that he gave Regulus a potion for his birthday that makes him able to at least understand Parseltongue if not speak it, so. I think I did good.
The next day, Lavinia is sitting inside a gaudy Gringotts office and is very much not happy about the damn goblin glaring at her. Scratch that, she’s pretty down for a bite at the next offensive twitch. If it weren’t for Narcissa’s serene grace, am I right? So Lavinia sits on her butt like the graceful young lady she’s supposed to be now and waits to begin the adoption. As expected, the potion is disgusting and the after-effects are uncomfortable, but at least she now has the Black silver eyes, so it’s a win. For Narcissa that is, because she won the bet with Lucius. Also our homicidal baby Lavinia is very much not happy to know she apparently gets godparents too, but she changes her mind pretty quickly when Regulus arrives in all his pretty-boy-fairy-prince glory. Which we can’t really blame her for, right? Regulus is just that devastatingly pretty. Could start and end wars with a wave of his pale, elegant hand, as witnessed by us when we watched him completely demolish Tom’s self-control in the first five seconds in that cave.
Chapter 35: Oh wow, there go all the fucks I had left to give ~ 8500 words
POV Neville, Draco
Before the End of year fest, McGonagall escorts Neville up to the headmaster’s office. Suffice to say, Neville does not enjoy the following conversation, even if most of it is technically small talk that he kind of tunes out. You know that it’s bad when Neville of all people gets attacked by violent thoughts. After Dumbledore dismisses him though, he ‘mysteriously’ ends up in the, ghasp, forbidden Third Floor Corridor! What a coincidence, right? Fortunately the Weasley Twins are present to turn our baby Nev around and escort him to the kitchens instead of his demise.
The next day, while watching his friends being very much unhelpful in his dilemma, namely that sweet Merlin he has a little sister now, Draco realises that he is surrounded by idiots. And then to make matters worse, on his way out of the loo he smacks the door straight into a random boy’s nose! He thinks he broke it! Which is very stressful and very much not helping his mental health right now! But don’t worry, Justin (Finch-Fletchley, muggleborn Hufflepuff extraordinaire) isn’t much bothered! His nose isn’t actually broken, he gets nosebleeds perfectly naturally often, and is happy to try and calm the panicking Draco down with funny stories about it! And so, upon the revelation that Justin has two little sisters (that I made up) he proceeds to kidnap him and show off to his friends that see, this is useful advice, why can’t you be more like Puff—
Draco learns a lot about little sisters that day. And upon arrival to the train station, he actually meets his own and decides that Lavinia is the best thing since apples were invented. Future enemies and suitors should learn to fear because Draco is here to stay and earn the Best Big Brother award!
Chapter 36: All hail the Longbottoms! Hip, hip, hoo—WHAT THE HELL ~ 10700 words
POV Harry, Severus
We witness Harry snoozing in a bathtub while he dazedly recounts his day so far. Regulus interrupts his pleasant nap with his reasonable question of what Harry wants for his birthday, and then Harry panics and mistakenly thinks that Neville’s is tomorrow, which gets cleared up pretty quickly. But at least he tells us what gifts him and Ron and Hermione came up with.
After Regulus leaves, he quickly dresses up and they leave for the Longbottoms, where an adorable Neville greets them with a laaarge smile. Baby’s finally happy, I’m so glad! After a bit of friendly banter, Harry and his siblings lose the adults, decide not to approach the lovely dovey couple that is their cousin and his (Dora decided to come as a boy today but he’s slaying all the same) boyfriend, and jump the lonely Theo instead. For his part, Theo at least doesn’t stab them at their surprise appearance, so that’s… good? And then Blaize and Pansy appear to introduce themselves, which gets cut off by the Longbottoms’ reappereance and speech. Including the wonderful, the amazing, the inimitable Frank and Alice! The crowd is understandably stunned and amazed.
After that Tom herds his kids to a table and they snag the Greengrasses too, who also bring with them Luna and Lavinia. Harry shares one exasperated look with Daphne that transmits how glad he is he’s not going to Hogwarts in September in the face of that group, possibly joined by Matt and Ginny and whatever other poor idiot they manage to catch later.
A few hours later Severus is lamenting his life choices at the bar when he notices Nagini and is too late to run. They talk. It’s good. And then he accidentally confesses that he doesn’t exactly abhor her company, which, good for you, Sev. Have that existential crisis while probably sloshed out of your mind. Fun fact: Nagini was very close to laughing her ass off at Severus’ expression when he realised that he somehow caught feelings. At that point she was just messing with him.
Alas, at last Nagini drags Sev away towards the Greenhouses for some fun time and they pass Daphne’s vomiting fiancé on their way as a treat to all of you.
Chapter 37: Contraband? In MY house? (It’s more likely than you think) ~ 7100 words
POV Tom, Dora
Our very own aurors (meaning Mad-eye Moody, Rufus Scrimgeour, good ol’ Kingsley Shacklebolt, a random Selwyn boy who very much doesn’t want to be here, and Dora of course who somehow wants to be here even less) come over for a surprise house search. Tom greets them half-asleep in his pyjamas because it’s the morning after Litha and he was having a grand time cuddling with his husband in bed thank you. Until now.
The aurors search the house, but in the end of course find nothing. Though let’s be honest at this point Moody and Scrimgeour are the only ones trying. Tom even has time to confuse Dora a bit! What a productive day! Nagini arrives in the middle from Hogwarts, but Tom is too busy being oblivious to realise that she has a bunch of hickeys and instead is just happy that Nagini and Sev became such good friends that they support each other in their hangovers.
After the visit is over, Tom off-screen goes off to complain to his friends and Regulus does the same with his brother.
In the evening, Dora just about finishes her report to Dumbledore and reminisces about how shit she felt while trying to find dirt on Tom today, considering how much she came to like Regulus and her new baby cousins. And also Tom, but she’s never admitting that. Suffice to say, she at this point much prefers the scenario wherein Tom isn’t Voldy back to life, thank you. Less mindfucky that way.
When she finishes, her and the present Remus ignore Dumbledore’s attempt to set them up (which I found way too hilarious not to include) and she leaves the castle thinking about what she should absolutely do in the near future. Like fuck her boyfriend. And tease the Selwyn boy. And probably clear some things up with Tom on the dark lord front because she doesn’t know how much more she can take from this cryptic bullshit before she says fuck it and just lets the possible dark lord live in marital bliss just to make her cousins happy.
Chapter 38: Remember when I said I did not fuck our boss? So yeah I lied ~ 7100 words
POV Regulus
Regulus experiences a calm morning on the day he plans to spill the tea about Tom to his friends. And off-screen fucks his lovable husband to mentally prepare himself for the shitshow about to come, but I’m too faint-hearted to actually write that so use your imagination. (The kids went over to the Flints so their innocence is, once again, saved, and Nagini is ‘chilling’ with Severus.)
A few hours later, Regulus and Tom follow Corvus out into the garden to a picturesque pavilion where Rabastan, Rodolphus and Barty are sitting and chatting, unbeknownst of their soon-to-be mental breakdowns. Tom leaves with Corvus and Regulus is left alone with his unfortunate victims.
What happens:
- Regulus admits that Tom is the Dark Lord but Not, so he just fucked one of his soul pieces and not the whole OG boss
- Regulus gives a rundown of events until the Lestranges got acquitted of their totally committed sins
- Regulus admits that his children are Harry, Ron and Hermione
- Barty tries to traumatise him back by telling Regulus that Luna spilled some beans and now he has to fuck a portrait to get Evan back (who’s actually his hubby since Fifth Year, they just forgot to tell people and Regulus is right mad about it)
- Also Barty is an adopted Lestrange now. The twins did it back at Hogwarts sometime and forgot to tell Regulus
Chapter 39: Am I a corrupt cop now? Because I can feel my moral compass choke to death the longer those kids look at me with puppy eyes ~ 5400 words
POV Dora
Dora comes over to visit Sirius on the werewolf ranch. Remus takes her away for a little chat after she sees some of the cubs turn into cubs and they have a little heart-to-heart. Dora takes things well, all things considered. She doesn’t even faint! No but really, she’s under so much stress right now. But hey, at least she can’t ever snitch because of Sirius’ wards, so it’s a win!
Remus also successfully convinces Dora to basically ignore all arrows pointing at Tom being Voldemort and focus on the positives! Like having cousins. And Sirius being happy. And Tom not having fucking time for war when he’s buried under a mountain of paperwork.
In the end, we see stellar acting from Remus when Dora mentions Harry and he convinces her that Sirius confirmed that further search is futile, implying that Harry is dead. Very impressive. Slow clap.
So now Dora is off Tom’s case about his possible dark lord-ness and would very much like to just happily play with some kids, please. Pretty please. She’s begging.
Chapter 40: Top 10 things that can re-traumatise you (but you should try anyway) ~ 8000 words
POV Harry, Tom
Matt, Draco and Lavinia get invited over for a refreshing swim in our lake under the supervision of Regulus. The day goes as well as you would expect when our kids are concerned; namely Harry befriends the resident kelpie and Regulus panics. But at least Harry can now swim? Anyway, after Regulus drags everyone (including himself) out of the water they have a pleasant chat about Lavinia’s thoughts about Hogwarts, complete with Draco getting teased about his new badger buddy.
While the kids are having fun, Tom (with Sirius and Remus but he keeps them outside because he really really wants to avoid homicide for now) visits the Dursleys. Actually just Petunia because Vernon is woking and Dudley is out terrorising the neighbourhood, but she’s unpleasant enough alone, thanks. Tom originally just wanted her to have a memory of him questioning her about Harry and trying to persuade her to cooperate with the soon arriving magical authorities, but she doesn’t give a single fuck to such extent that even Tom is flabbergasted and so he just. Like. Leaves. Don’t worry, the property got cursed to high heaven while he was busy by a very petty Sirius and Remus, but they really without actually, I don’t know. Murdering her or something. After all, a few little jinxes (and many undetectable curses) even the aurors can’t begrudge them once they meet her, right? (Just imagine Moody face to face with Petunia. He will probably add his own curses to the repertoire.)
In the end Tom returns home with his brothers-in-law in tow and immediately goes to shower poor soaked Regulus in affection because he can clearly see that his hubby is sad so he acts accordingly.
Chapter 41: Some much overdue conversations happen. Yes it’s painful for everyone involved (and we haven’t even gotten to the good part yet) ~ 6700 words
POV Severus, Neville
Severus finally decides to suck it up and goes over to Lucius for some much overdue friend-things to do. Mainly what happens is him moaning about his love life of questionable state and Lucius being generally extatic that fucking finally it’s not him suffering while wooing a woman of most dangerous nature.
Meanwhile, the Longbottoms are having the Lestranges over and Neville loves it. A good time is had. Until of course Rodolphus discovers that Neville was actually compulsioned at the end of the year and almost got roped into dangerous activities, and that Neville does know things actually but thanks for worrying about his innocence, and, well. Barty still does neet to fuck a portrait, so…
Chapter 42: Let’s just say this isn’t the easy peasy line theft some people envisioned ~ 8800 words
POV Harry, Rodolphus
Since we celebrated Neville’s and Harry’s birthdays off-screen, we jump straight to the Rosiers’ Lughnasadh-slash-Lammas celebration, wherein Hermione is angsting about the impending placement exams, Ron is eating and Harry is bored out of his mind. And then the snakes arrive and some chats happen. It’s all very fun and fluffy.
Later in the evening, poor Rodolphus almost gets line-thefted while drugged, but Frank and Alice heroically come to his rescue. And the next morning for his hand in marriage.
Chapter 43: I went in thinking ‘This will make things clear’ but things are the exact opposite of clear ~ 5800 words
POV Rodolphus, Dumbledore
Here and now, after the disastrous morning (and yesterday) he had, Rodolphus barges into the Longbottoms’ garden ready to give a peace of his mind about sending already filled-in marriage contracts to unsuspecting recipients with homicidal brothers. Suffice to say, he gets charmed into compliance and ends up signing the blasted thing. Who would have thought. But hey, at least he gets Neville from it, right?
That same evening, Albus, for some reason, decides that it would be a very wise move to summon Lily and inquire from her about her son’s whereabouts. You know, as you do when you are the very person that put said kid into an abusive home and then full well planned to test him against the fucking Dark Lord as an end of year treat, and then send him back into the above mentioned abusive home. And repeat that year after year.
…Now I wonder why he doesn’t see Lily’s reaction coming…
Chapter 44: You would think an ex-terrorist would at least know how to throw a punch. You would be mistaken. ~ 6700 words
POV Harry
After their successful placement exams at Ilvermorny, everyone but Regulus got knocked off their feet by either a cold or vomiting and nausea, so they get a well-deserved shopping trip for today (even though they have everything already. This is just for fun).
At first, Barty, Evan and Nagini babysit the kids with ice cream while Tom, Regulus and Lucius get shit done at Gringotts, but then they brave what few dare – Gilderoy Lockheart’s book signing at Flourish and Blotts. It goes better than expected, really; like, Lockheart is a pest and Lucius and Arthur may be in the middle of a pathetic wrestling match, but at least no one dies. It’s a victory in Harry’s book. Even if the mood turns quite glum at the end.
But , and this is a very big but , Hermione gets Crookshanks! And I also gave Ron a flying snake to not leave him out of the fun. So now all the kids have familiars!
Ah, what shenanigans those three will get up to at Ilvermorny…
Chapter 45: We cry in this ~ 2800 words
POV Tom
It is August 30. The day has finally arrived: the children leave for school.
The morning is a little chaotic, to say the least, but the family does arrive to the portal leading to Ilvermorny in time. There are gifts and hugs and goodbyes – and lots of tears – but the children, as it is inevitable, leave for school.
Now, why does Severus have a bad feeling suddenly?
PART 2: NEW YEAR (NEW ME)
Chapter 1: Crisis alerted– Oh, wait, false alarm. CRISIS VERY MUCH UNDERWAY ~ 4700 words
Off-screen Harry, Ron and Hermione start their Second Year at Ilvermorny.
We are allowed to view the sorting of Ginny’s year from Severus’ point of view, and then Nagini floss over and they get to spend some quality time together.
Also she says she’s pregnant.
Severus’ mind isn’t about to recover anytime soon.
(But hey, he’s… happy? That she’s going to marry him at least. He will freak out more about his impending fatherhood after he gets a cup of tea into his system.)
Chapter 2: Well that’s a sickle for the swear jar ~ 6000 words
Minerva and Severus have a heartfelt drinking session talking about babies and marriage. And then Nagini crashes it. Minerrva is delighted to make her acquaintance.
She’s less so when she has to escort Neville up to Albus and listen to the man prattle on about literally nothings, but she can’t just have good things, can she?
At least she deals with the news of Neville’s impending brotherhood well. Albus won’t.
Chapter 3: Do I need to duel for your honour? Please tell me I need to duel for your honour ~ 2300 words
We get some insight into how the trio is dealing with life at Ivermorny. Quite well, to be fair – which can’t be said about Tom when Nagini drops on him that Sev knocked her up.
In his defense, Tom only sends one letter before Nagini gets a ring on her finger.
Chapter 4: Two birds with one stone (except we try to keep said birds alive) ~ 4800 words
The chaos trio travels back home for autumn break. Which means Samhain – and we’re holding it!
After a quite wholesome and not at all illegal celebration, we patiently wait for most of the guests to scram. And when they do… Oh, boy.
It’s necromancy time!
Also, do I hear wedding bells? And what’s with the hissing?
Chapter 5: We’re all going to die and no one’s doing anything about it for some reason - except Lockheart, but we wish he wasn’t ~ 6100 words
There are letters and some conversations, big and small in equal measure. The point is that Lockheart sucks, the basilisk even more, everyone is pregnant and Sirius and Barty’s kids are for sure going to ruin Severus as-of-yet-unborn sweet little baby angel. Baby snake? Whatever.
Hey, has anyone seen that firstie with the camera?