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Allport is fairly quiet today. The usually busy streets have calmed down and where Jay used to have to slither through crowds, she now doesn't bump into one person.
Currently, she, Chip, Gillion, Ollie, and Drey were exploring various shops while Earl went to stock up on groceries. She would have stayed on the ship to tinker, but Jay didn't trust her co-captains with money (and for good reason she might add).
So far they've only come across a plant nursery and a game stand. Chip had bought a card game for Ollie that he promised to play that afternoon with the younger boy, and Jay bought a multiplayer board game for longer travels.
She was startled when Ollie grabbed her sleeve suddenly: "Miss Jay!! Can we go to that store? Pleaseee!" He asked, pointing to a gift shop with various items in the front window. She could see a few handcrafted charms, some postcards, and a few toy swords.
"Sure bud, let's check it out" She smiled, gesturing for the group to make a detour for the shop.
A bell chimed as they entered the store before being warmly greeted by an old lady behind the counter. The shop was fairly small, but cozy nonetheless. Colourful mosaic lanterns hung from the ceiling as sun catchers reflected rainbows on the shelves.
She smiled as she made her way down the aisles, her crew members going off to explore other corners of the shop.
A few things had caught her eye, but she wrote them off as unimportant purchases. A few hand-painted vases, some postcards she could send her mom (she already had plenty to go through), even a snow globe with Allport in it (although that wouldn't last a day on a rocking ship).
However, something caught her attention: a doll. It's handmade, orange hair and green button eyes. It's very simple and wouldn't be useful to them at all, but for some reason, she can't walk away from it.
Her uncle's gruff voice breaks her out of her trance "Whatcha find?"
"Uh," she buffers. Why did this doll even catch her attention so much? "A doll, I guess?"
"Huh, it kind of looks like that doll I got you when you were a kid!" Drey comments. "What did you name it again?"
"Samantha" she whispers, like saying the doll's name will also bring her father's anger that came along with it.
Her hand is reaching for the doll when both their attentions get caught by Chip who's yelling at them to come see what he's found.
Her eyes reluctantly leave the doll as she makes her way to where the rest of their crew is situated. Gillion and Ollie are giggling as Chip picks up an instrument that resembles a trumpet.
"Normal trumpet right?" He grins, "But alas! Watch this!"
When Chip blows on it, it makes a normal trumpet sound, but the instrument blows bubbles as well. If Jay's mind wasn't still stuck on the doll, she would have found it amusing.
Chip played around with a few other enchanted instruments before the group decides to head to one last shop before they meet back up at the ship.
After debating with herself on whether or not to buy the doll, Jay tells them she'll meet back up with them in a few minutes. When asked why, she came up with the excuse that she wanted to browse for potential gifts.
Once she's sure they're out of sight, she returns to the same aisle that had the doll. She just...stares at it, observing the differences and similarities between this doll and Samantha. Staring at this doll makes her feel as if she's five again, as if she's still a little girl playing with the doll her uncle gifted her.
She doesn't know if that's a good thing, but it makes her feel safe so she decides it is.
After staring at the doll for way too long, she finally gets the courage to buy it. She just can't tell the crew about it. They'll make fun of her, and she doesn't know if she can handle that.
It's her little secret. And new-Samantha’s.
She quietly brings it up to the counter where the old lady is sewing a small pouch. She smiles when Jay hands her the doll, putting her current project aside.
"Isn't she lovely?" the lady comments "She's been sitting on the shelf for a while, I'm glad someone found her".
"She uh," Jay stammers, not sure if she should be revealing childhood secrets to this lady "She reminds me of my childhood doll. Her name was Samantha.
"I know it's kind of stupid but, it reminds me of that feeling of being a kid, y'know?" She realizes she's rambling to a random old shopkeeper and stops herself. Who wants to hear about her motive behind buying this doll anyway?
Maybe it's the fear of people thinking she's childish. Maybe it's the same fear she feels about holding anything that's associated with a child's toy as if she'll be punished for wanting to relive her childhood.
The old lady glances at her before smiling gently. "Here dear, it's on the house today."
"Oh no I can't-"
"This seems important to you, and there's nothing I love more than seeing the child-like glimmer in people's eyes." She slides the doll back into Jay's hands, "Just make sure to take care of her, alright?"
"Of course" she promises "I'll protect her, thank you so much."
She vows to protect new-Samantha better than she protected old-Samantha.
She waves goodbye to the old lady, thanking her once again before (gently) stuffing new-Samantha into her bag.
---
It’s later that day that she’s in the sleeping quarters, sitting in her bed, with the doll in in her hands. It’s quiet apart from the sounds of the waves rocking the Albatross. Most of the crew has wrapped up for the night, her co-captains finalizing tasks on the deck. She runs her hands across new-Samantha’s dress, observing the similarities between this doll and her old one. She looks eerily similar to old-Samantha, the main difference being that her hair colour is orange instead of blond. It brings her some sort of comfort having new-Samantha here.
"That doll is distracting you from your studies."
And suddenly, the comforting feeling of childhood gets taken over by a wave of fear. She feels as if a cold water bucket has been poured over her, locking her joints in place.
He's not here, it's okay. You're safe on the ship.
Letting out a trembling sigh, Jay lies down on her side, arms wrapped around new-Samantha. Her father’s words loom over her; she wants to hide new-Samantha, and herself, away from angry hands. However, she did promise the shop keeper to take care of her.
Consider it exposure therapy, or something.
Whatever, she might as well try to get some sleep before her watch. Despite the earlier scare, she’s able to clear her head and let the warm feeling that new-Samantha brings settle around her tired mind. It doesn't take long for her to succumb to sleep, wrapped safely around new-Samantha.
"Jay."
The little girl with bright hair looked at her doorway, seeing her father standing still.
"Why are you not doing your work?"
The little girl looks down at her feet guiltily. "I just wanted to show Samantha my drawings..." she whispered, hands twisting in her skirt. "I'm sorry sir".
The man does not say a word. It is deadly silent in the room, and the little girl feels her stomach twisting with anxiety.
"You're spending too much time on that damn doll. Hand it over." The man growled, placing his expecting palm in front of himself.
The little girl held tightly onto her doll, "But... I want to stay with her! I can do my homework with her too!" she pleaded.
The man's brows furrowed angrily. "Jay. Hand it over." he growled again, temper wavering.
The little girl didn't like defying her father, but she knew that she had to stay with Samantha. She didn't want to get separated from her!
Upon no answer, the man grabbed the little girl's wrist, making her drop the doll. He kicks Samantha away from her.
The little girl opens her mouth to protest. "Papa-" but before she could finish, a loud gunfire echoed through the room, making her flinch violently and attempt to cover her ears.
She stared at Samantha who was now on the floor with a blackened hold in her head.
The little girl started crying.
"Focus on your studies." the man bit, dragging her to her desk, where she tried to contain her sobs.
"You will spend the evening here until you are done." He released her arm, "Do you understand?"
The little girl tried her best to swallow her fear "Y-Yes sir..."
The man left, leaving the doll on the floor.
The little girl kept her gaze trained on her desk. She did not want to see her best friend's face sunken in.
The little girl sobs.
Jay's eyes widen as soon as she gains consciousness. Her chest struggled to draw a full breath in; where is she? She sits up quickly to take in her surroundings. It’s dark (so, so dark) but she can barely make out her sleeping quarters thanks to the moonlight. Right, she’s on the ship with her crew. Her dad can’t reach her.
Despite the reassurance, her body still feels as if her father is in the room. There’s a pit in her stomach forming – a mix between sorrow and fear – and she just wants it to stop. Tears slowly form as she pulls at her hair roughly in a poor attempt to ground herself. She curls in on herself to feel some semblance of safety.
Logically, Jay knows it was just a nightmare. Logically, she knows she's safe.
But despite this, old trauma uses her nightmare as a doorway to suffocate her. Jay feels like a little girl again, and she is terrified. All she can do is sob and gasp for air as she tries her best to remain quiet.
She doesn't know how much time passes while she panics, too focused on trying to keep herself as quiet as she can. She pulls at her hair again, whimpering when she accidentally pulls too hard.
"Jay?"
She jumps, eyes frantically searching the room for the voice. Everything is so dark and she can't see anything or anyone or-
"Hey woah-" the voice speaks again, "It's okay, it's Chip,". The voice is familiar, but Jay's frantic brain can't trust anyone yet. Not when they could hurt her so easily in this state.
Jay can't help but whimper at the thought of her father's steel grip on her arm, scratching desperately to get the feeling out.
"Hey no- you're going to hurt yourself-" the figure reaches for her and she lunges back, her head hitting the headboard with a hard THUNK. More tears fall from her eyes as a loud sob erupts from her throat as the pain sets in. Her body hurts so bad- she wants her mama back.
"Jay, look at me." The figure speaks and she obeys instinctively. What else would she do? "Good job, can you focus on me? You're okay, it's just Chip" the voice soothes.
Small whimpers leave her throat as she tries to bring herself back to the present. Her eyes dart around the room until they land and focus on Chip's figure. He's somewhat seated on her bed, leaning forward with a worried look on his face.
"C-chip..."
"It's me, you're okay," he says gently. "Can I come closer?"
She nods instinctively, her brain subconsciously knowing that Chip is safe. After getting approval, he slides closer to Jay and slowly pulls her into a hug. Her shaky hands grip his shirt as more tears slip out. She's still attempting to muffle her sobs, scared that he'll get frustrated when he learns just how emotionally fragile she is.
Chip is safe though, so he can protect her if someone tries to hurt her.
Jay's breath catches in her throat as a noise from across the room makes her jump.
She immediately shot up and tried to push herself behind Chip. Desperate hands grabbing any surface to get away from the noise that could be her father.
"Jay Jay-" Chip grabbed her arm gently "It's just Gillion".
Gillion, upon hearing his name, crawled out of his barrel "Chip? Jay? What's going on?"
Jay whimpered and once again pushed herself against Chip for comfort. The other immediately wrapped his arms around her.
"Jay's just having a bad night. I think she had a nightmare?" Chip supplied, whilst gesturing Gillion to the bed he and Jay were sitting on.
Gillion quickly made his way to where the other two were, taking a seat beside them. He noted how scared and small his co-captain was, making him frown. His hand went to hover over Jay's back "Jay? Can I rub your back?". He waited until she nodded, and proceeded to gently rub circles on her back and shoulders to offer comfort.
He noticed how she tried quieting herself by muffling her cries in Chip’s shirt. She would try to apologize, only to choke on her words and go right back to Chip’s shoulder. Chip would soothe her, shushing her quietly while exchanging a worried look to Gillion.
“We’re here Jay, nothing can hurt you anymore, Chip and I won’t let it,”
She detached herself from Chip ever so slightly, “I know I'm sorry-” she choked on a sob, “I don’t know why- why I can’t-”
An apology was the last thing Gillion or Chip was looking for. “You can cry as much as you need to, we’ll be right here, promise.”
As if she's been waiting to hear those exact words, Jay lets out a loud sob in Chip's chest. Her sobs get louder as Gill and Chip comfort her. They whisper soft reassurances and hold her close. Chip pets her head while she holds onto him like a lifeline, and Gillion rubs her back consolingly.
They stay like that for a while until Jay's sobs and hiccups die down. She lifts her head slightly, rubbing her eyes as she whines.
"Hey princess," Chip teases her softly, "feeling a bit better?" She nods tiredly, resting her head against Chip's shoulder.
"Would talking about your nightmare help you feel better?" Gillion asks, hand resting on her shoulder. She shook her head aggressively, burying her face further into Chip's shoulder. Chip and Gillion looked at each other puzzlingly, not sure where to go from there.
Jay's head popped back up from Chip's shoulder. Her hair was falling in her face but her co-captains could see how her eyes were puffy from crying.
"-mantha..." she mumbled tiredly.
"Could you repeat that Jay?" Gillion whispered back.
She looked around as if she was looking for something, "Samantha, 'wan Samantha..."
They both looked at each other, confused about Jay's request.
"Who's Samantha?" Chip asked first, followed by Gillion parroting the same question.
"My dolly, I gotta protect her" she whispered the second part, moving her blankets with more urgency now.
Chip shot Gillion a look before the other two followed her lead and scanned the room. They don't recall her having a doll or ever seeing one in their quarters.
When Gillion leaned over the ledge of the bed, however, he found a doll with orange hair and green eyes peeking from underneath the bed.
He picked it up gently and handed it to Jay gently, "Is this Samantha?".
Jay, upon seeing new-Samantha, lit up and hugged her doll tightly. Her feet wiggled as she hummed to herself happily, a very big mood improvement from a few seconds ago.
Gillion and Chip once again exchanged glances, unsure what to make of Jay's behaviour. The younger shrugged and decided to go along with her more childlike mood.
"I don't think we've met Samantha before," he started "Is she your friend?"
Jay nodded happily "Mhm!! She's my best friend! She likes drawing with me!"
"Is that so? I'm sure you two make great drawings together!" He tried to match her energy, praying to whatever god out there that he was cheering her up.
In return, Jay giggled and hugged Samantha closer. She turned her attention to Gillion, who sat puzzled, and extended her doll towards him. "Samantha says Hi Gilly!!"
"Hello Samantha!" he did his best to address the doll correctly to not make Jay upset. She seemed pleased anyway, turning back to Chip.
"Chipchipchipchip" she stimmed as she tapped his arm "Can you do my hair? Pretty please??"
He giggled at how polite she was being, grabbing her hand gently. "Of course, I'll go get my brush, okay? Keep playing with Gill".
Jay bounced happily, shuffling her way towards her other co-captain. Gillion quickly opened his arms where she collapsed into them and giggled.
Chip was back in a few seconds, finding his hairbrush on his nightstand. Jay has just been babbling to Gillion about anything her mind landed on.
"Do you want me to just braid your hair?" he asked and he sat back down in front of them.
She nodded, sitting back up to let Chip have better access. Whilst Jay continued babbling to Gillion, Chip began separating her hair into thirds. It was tangled, mostly at the front, from the constant pulling she did during her panic attack. His heart squeezed a bit at that, and he promised himself to be careful while brushing her hair.
He began detangling her hair from the bottom up in each section. He went as carefully as he could to untangle all the knots she accumulated. However, he accidentally tugged too hard on a rather large knot that he didn't see, causing her to flinch and whimper.
"Sorry Jay-Jay, you okay?"
She nodded slightly "Just scared me, is okay"
"Sorry Birdie, I'll be more careful from now on" he swore.
She hugged Samantha tighter as she tried puzzling thoughts together.
"Had a memory about Papa. He was mad about me spendin’ time with Samantha an’ not my homework…” She paused, voice trailing off the more she spoke. “...he hurt her, an’ I couldn’t play with Samantha anymore…”
The way Jay’s demeanor changed so drastically when it came to her father always unnerved Chip and Gillion. She’s already an emotional person – which they both admire – but with Jayson, seeing their co-captain so fragile, it doesn’t take a detective to put together how shitty of a father he is. Gillion sometimes sees himself in her, and he never in a million years wished he did. Seeing himself in her means she had a somewhat similar upbringing as him; Gillion doesn’t wish for Jay to feel that kind of pain. Similarly, Chip’s initial anger about the whole Jay-betraying-them situation quickly vanished after he saw how small, distant, and scared she was around her father.
Gillion held her hands softly “I’m so sorry Guppy,”
“You were just a kid, you should have been allowed to play with Samantha.” Chip added
“But, now you’re safe with us! And we won’t let him hurt you or our crew, right Chip?”
Chip nodded, shining a smile at her.
"...Thank you" she said, falling forward into Gillion's arms. He quickly wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead.
There was a pause as he held her until Chip spoke up. "I don't want to intervene, but I need you to sit up for me to finish your braid".
Jay hummed before sitting back up in her previous position, blinking wearily.
"Promise you'll get as many hugs as you want when we're done though," he added as a bribe for her to stay still for a while longer. She smiled at that, humming whilst he did her hair. She occasionally played with Gillion and Samantha, but her eyes kept dropping.
"Tada!" Chip cheered "All done!"
Jay ran her fingers over the smooth braid, letting out a big smile "Thank you!"
"I think it's time for bed," remarked Gillion, earning a whine from Jay. "Don't worry Guppy, me and Chip will be right here and we will protect you from any nightmares!" He exclaimed rather loudly.
Giggling, Jay agreed to go to sleep if it involved her other captains. Although the beds were rather small for 3 people, they made it work for Jay's sake.
Months ago, Jay could not have seen herself cuddling her two closest shipmates in her wildest dreams. But that was months ago, now her co-captains are the best thing that's happened to her and she wouldn't trade it for anything.
They all settled down in Jay's bed after Chip put his hairbrush away. She rested her face between Gill's neck and shoulder whilst Chip held her from behind. Despite having a rather terrifying flashback just an hour ago, Jay feels the safest she's ever felt in this very moment.
"Love you..." she whispered tiredly.
"Love you too Jay" Gillion whispered back, followed by a tired "Love you too Birdie".
She smiled, letting herself enjoy the comforting affection. It doesn't take long for her to fall into a peaceful sleep, surrounded by her favorite people keeping her safe.