Work Text:
Moodboard:
My heart is running on time, alone on the Snowpiercer
I want to go to the other side of Earth, holding your hand, put an end to winter
Spring day | BTS
○○○
Present.
"Namjoon-ssi!" he stopped on the way to his office when Jeongguk, their editorial chief, called a wave at him. All smiles and Namjoon thinks he is shining too many rays on this rainy season of how he glows on his eyes. Or maybe, Namjoon is just out of his mind and sleep-deprived.
"Hi!" he breathed when Jeongguk in a speed of light was in front of him, still smiling.
"I think I would like the one who will congratulate you first," there's a blooming red on his cheeks when Namjoon lingers too much on his eyes.
Frowning his eyebrows and tilting his head in question. "I'm sorry. I'm not following. Congratulations on what?" Jeongguk's eyes are big and cover his gaped mouth and now reds are on his whole face.
Namjoon can't resist diverting his eyes to their feet instead.
"Oh my god! You really did know? I thought they emailed you!" he looks up and nods his head before sighing and getting his phone on the back of his pants.
"Oh. I–uhh, went back home yesterday to attend my brother and his husband's death anniversary. So, I was not able to open emails and answer back," he sheepishly scrolled through his emails and looked back at Jeongguk who had a sad smile on his lips.
"O-oh," Jeongguk said. "I'm sorry," his head bowed down and he could see him fidgeting his fingers.
"No. It's fine. It's been a year," his voice was small too. Before hesitantly reaching Jeongguk's shoulder and tapping it.
"And thank you for congratulating me," he smiled, in his full glory of dimples when Jeongguk finally looked at him. Scrunching his nose and now back on smiling.
"You deserve it, Hyung. The book is perfect," Namjoon smiles when he can hear Jeongguk's tone. There's so much familiarity in it that Namjoon wants to keep it. "I cried so much editing it that I want to just gatekeep it from the world to read," he continued and pouted at Namjoon.
He hums and nods his head. "Thank you, Kook-ah." because I am too. It is so hard writing about the life he thinks will last but death meets them both instead of living for eternity.
He cried so much writing about the love between his brother Seokjin, and his husband Yoongi. The love in death and life. And even death, they don't fall apart. Even death can't stop the love between them.
He witnesses the kind of love he wants to remember for the rest of his life. Hence, writing it. Sharing it to the world. Hoping the world can find the love for that kind of life. Nope, not the death part, but the love will hold and break you between death.
The love that will prove at every wedding vows people to proclaim between sickness and health and the 'till death do us part. The love that is not just words but full of promises, peals of laughter, and tears, unconditional love, of understanding, and Namjoon, even if he can't acquire that love for himself, he was glad he witnessed it in front of his eyes.
○○○
A year ago.
"It's cancer." the doctor said.
2 words. 2 words that broke 2 individuals. Namjoon witnessed the shock on his brother's husband, Yoongi and the calmness of the face of his brother, Seokjin. The paleness of Yoongi adds more to the unbelievable news they heard in the starting days of winter.
"Hmm," Seokjin hums and nods to Yoongi who is still silent and his eyes red to the brim from holding too much not to cry.
"Thanks, doc. My husband and I will go now," Seokjin continued when Yoongi was still unresponsive but he snapped when Seokjin stood up.
"Yeobo," Yoongi's voice breaks and Namjoon, being Yoongi's best friend, can't look at him like this when he himself is about to faint from the news that broke them.
"W-why," Yoongi started and cleared his throat. His eyes look from the doctor to Namjoon, and lastly to his husband. "Why are we not discussing treatments here?" a tear came from his eyes and Seokjin, a smile on his face, wiped his husband's face.
"It's stage 4, Yoongi. I don't wa–"
"Hyung, there sti–"
"I don–"
"Stop interrupting me!"
Yoongi breaks down. It is not his character to easily anger and raise his voice to Seokjin ever since he latched on to them since college up until they got married. And so it is also a shock to him to see the way Yoongi not only cried in front of 3 people but also raised his voice.
"Yoongi," Namjoon warns. That is his brother. He can't just raise his voice and expect Namjoon won't do anything. Yoongi eyed him and his lips quivered and looked at the doctor and then lastly to Seokjin who was still looking at him—a sad smile on his face.
It's not. It does not fit his brother. His brother's smile heals all the worries in the world. Not this. Namjoon inhales shakingly.
"Hyung, p-please," Yoongi holds Seokjin's hands, kisses them, and stays at them, head down. Praying to Seokjin that Seokjin is not doing what he's planning.
"I just want to spend my remaining days with you, love. Not in the hospital," Seokjin's voice is low, a sacred tone just for Yoongi. The doctor who witnessed it placed a folder on the table and Namjoon eyed it.
A waver. Seokjin is planning to sign a "Right to refuse a treatment " waiver in front of his husband and his brother.
Namjoon sob. Yoongi sob harder.
"N-no, No, No, Seokjin, please no," Yoongi continued to plead and Seokjin was just there, hugging his husband and patting his back for comfort. Still a sad smile on his face.
"Hyung," Namjoon calls Seokjin and his brother just shakes his head and Namjoon knows he has decided.
And once Kim Seokjin makes a decision, no one, even the rational reasoning of Namjoon and Yoongi's sob will make it change.
"Seokjin-ssi," the doctor broke the loudness of Yoongi's cry and pushed the folder. "You still have time for this. Discuss it wi–" Seokjin shakes his head. A stubborn trait Namjoon hates.
He witnessed how Yoongi kneeled and Seokjin followed.
"Y-you're cruel. W-why," Yoongi brings his fisted hands to Seokjin's arm and pushes it. And Seokjin accepts it and finally, a tear escapes from his eyes.
"Because I love you," Seokjin whispers and his voice falters and launches himself to Yoongi and brings their body sitting on the couch. “I love you so much I don’t want you to see me in a hospital bed, rotting, and not be able to be with you.” and then he wiped Yoongi’s eyes gently.
“B-but, I promise, Seokjin,” Namjoon looked away and sobbed silently in the corner, just after Yoongi kissed the palm on his face. “I promise to love you and to be with you for better and most especially for worse,” Yoongi whispers, pleading, begging to Seokjin.
Seokjin inhales, “You are, Yoongi. You are doing your best and so let me do mine.” and he exhales.
○○○
Seokjin told him to never leave their side and so Namjoon stayed. Forgot everything in Seoul and went back to his hometown and stayed with his brother and his brother-in-law.
Witnessing for a month a whole change to his brother’s body. From how his eyes were lively but now became lifeless. From how full his face was now became soft and his disease took a toll on his weight.
But Namjoon is glad to witness the love he thought he would never see in his life. The love his brother, Seokjin, and his husband, Yoongi, for each other.
He knew everything about Seokjin and Yoongi—how they met, how they tried to win each other, how stupid, and dumb they were in love with each other. How they will give up everything for each other.
He saw them grow, in his own eyes, he saw them love each other through the years Namjoon thought if they would fail their love, he would never ever believe in love anymore.
But until now, he is still believing.
Their love is true. They are real.
Witnessing the strongest kind of love in front of him now—Yoongi staying by his brother’s side. Talking to him, pleading with his brother breaks his heart into a million pieces; he can't even take a step back to listen away.
"I've read data, Seokjin. The doctors told us. When you start chemo and anti-inflammatory drugs, you can still live for another 6 months or even 12 months. Seokjin—” Namjoon listens to Yoongi’s voice from pleading to being determined. And listen to Seokjin’s calm voice by saying no every time.
"Yoongi,"
"Seokjin, w-why,"
"My love, listen to me," Namjoon took a step back on entering their room to give them food and vitamin supplements that only Seokjin approved.
He sat near their conversation outside the door and closed his eyes. Knowing tears of his own will drown him the second he will listen to them but if he ever witnessed their love blooms, he will witness how they wither too.
And that hurts more.
"N-no, No," Yoongi gasps, reaching for air and Namjoon hears shuffles inside.
"Baby, please,"
"Either 6 months or 12 months, I am still gonna d-die, Yoongi-yah,” Seokjin’s voice breaks. Namjoon knows his brother’s capacity to withhold emotions and Namjoon knows he is still stubborn while being strong for the both of them.
"B-but you'd still be h-here,"
“Baby, I know,” shuffled again. Maybe they are both facing each other.
Namjoon felt a tear land on his neck, and he sniffled. Brought his palm to his mouth to catch the sob he was holding.
“But I don’t wanna spend it inside the hospital, Yoongi-yah. I wanna spend—,” Seokjin choked a sob. Namjoon opens his eyes and slowly stands up. “I wanna spend it with you. Strongly without hindrance. Baby, please hear me.”
"Seokjin, p-please. I’m begging…”
Namjoon breathes and wipes his face when he hears only sobs and hush talking after that.
“Would you really w-want that?” Namjoon heard from the inside of the couple’s room after some time.
“Yoongi, I wanna be with you in our house, in our garden,” Seokjin answered and Namjoon heard how shaky his voice is.
“We can do that,” and Yoongi’s small response.
“I want to spend my remaining sunrise and sunset with you. In our coffee mugs and in your fleece blanket,” Namjoon clutches his heart hearing the word and accepting ‘remaining’ from Seokjin’s mouth.
He could never question how this is so easy for Seokjin but all he knows is that his brother is acting so strong it's kind of annoying when all he needs to be right now is to be weak and let them take good care of them.
But no, Seokjin is not like that. He will never be like that.
“Hyung, we c-could do that, yes,” Yoongi is crying again and Namjoon can hear how broken it is and how it is so hard to let everything Seokjin wants when all they want is to give him a chance to live longer.
“And you promised to bring me to the sea, right? I wanna go to the sea, Yoongs.” Seokjin’s voice was light, contended, and hopeful in Namjoon’s ears. Almost smiling if he really wants to see them now and he will never understand if Seokjin is being selfish or selfless right now.
From knowing almost everything about Yoongi and Seokjin—Namjoon pleaded that he would live a good life in exchange for his brother’s good life. He will quit smoking and will diligently donate to charity just to see Seokjin’s lively smile again, just to hear them laugh wholeheartedly again, and just to see them just love each other without thinking that maybe tomorrow Seokjin will just leave them and they are not yet prepared.
He even begged God that his brother’s condition would be transferred to him. Let him suffer. Let him be selfless for both of them.
Namjoon wants to take Seokjin’s pain because what pains Seokjin will also hurt Yoongi. And he can’t—he can’t see both of them be in pain when they don’t deserve it.
They aren't even bad people. They don’t harm others. They are the most wonderful people Namjoon has in his life. Seokjin and Yoongi almost became his parents for taking good care of him and seeing them broken—breaks Namjoon to the core.
They don’t deserve this world.
They don’t deserve this pain.
They’re too kind and precious and gentle and full of love to experience this.
○○○
It was the worst pain attack of Seokjin that he needed to be hospitalized. His painkillers won't work anymore and he was crying in pain—maybe from frustration and or maybe he doesn't want to be in a hospital bed.
They took a family break. They brought Seokjin to the open sea—at his request. With utmost enthusiasm, he was awakened by Seokjin on his ajar door, “Joon, let’s go to the sea.” and Yoongi trailing with his packed bags and the face of Namjoon cannot name.
It’s like giving in to Seokjin’s request but also begging to help him convince Seokjin to stop this nonsense because going out means exposure to environmental triggers. And triggers will make Seokjin’s condition worsen.
But in the end—love conquers all. Especially fears.
Then, Seokjin and Yoongi spend the whole day being in each other’s embrace. Yoongi hugged Seokjin from the back. They were talking in hush voices, in whispers, and smiling contentedly while waves and sunrise hit the boat and their skin.
They look so beautiful, so serene, so peaceful, that Namjoon can’t help but take a photo and hug it near his heart.
They just fit with each other.
They were like a summer picturesque on Namjoon’s desktop.
Even if Seokjin is losing weight, even if the beautiful tan of if skin is fading, even if the dark brown eyes of his eyes suddenly become tired and dull, even if the corner of his eyes does not reach to its fullness when he is laughing and smiling—Yoongi is there to fill in the indifference, the changes.
Yoongi never leaves Seokjin's side.
Seokjin was in pain that Namjoon was not able to panic and just ran off the driver of the boat to let them reach the land as soon as possible.
The ambulance was almost there.
Seokjin was crying and Yoongi was holding his hand the whole time and Namjoon saw how scared they were the moment the ambulance’s car door closed.
The fear came back.
The fear of losing Seokjin is one but the fear of losing him this early doubles that pain.
And he knew, Namjoon knew, he was not the most religious, most prayerful—he even rarely visited temples but a tear in his eyes knew how he pleaded to the gods to give them this lifetime as the ambulance drove away from them
He prays to extend Seokjin’s life—he even asks again to remove the pain of his brother. He wished this was just a nightmare and soon he would wake up and everything was just fine.
He prays to wrap Seokjin and Yoongi in this glory of happiness, but he thinks the gods have different plans after all.
—
Namjoon found them after Seokjin was stabilized in his private room.
Seokjin is in three different IV lines and Namjoon winces imagining the pain his brother is facing but still has a pleasant face talking to the nurse with Yoongi. It's as if he didn't experience the worst pain just 30 minutes ago.
He breathed and knocked before closing the door behind him.
Seokjin smiles at him and Yoongi gestures to the seat beside him, so Namjoon slides himself and looks quietly at his hyungs.
"Hyung is sorry for worrying you too, Joonie," Seokjin reaches for his palm and Namjoon accepts it. His brother's touch is so much closer to home. Warm, soft, comforting, and a little bit painful.
"It's not your fault, Hyung," he smiles and looks at Yoongi who secretly wipes his tears when he thinks Seokjin is not watching.
"My dongsaeng," Seokjin caresses the skin under his eyes and Namjoon closes them for good measure. "When did you grow up so fast, Namjoon-ah?" Seokjin's voice is calm, almost Namjoon didn't catch it.
"I'm taller than you now, Hyung. And stronger too," the moment he opens his eyes, Seokjin is smiling at him. Namjoon can't help the tears from his eyes when the light from the hospital window room makes a halo ring on his brother's head.
"And thank you for being strong, Joonie," he nodded. "You know Hyung loves you, right? You are the best dongsaeng ever," Seokjin wipes his tears and Namjoon tightens his grip on his hyung's wrist.
"I'm your only brother, what do you mean," he lisps and shakes his head. "Hyung, can you take chemo? Please? I don't think I—" before he could finish his own pleading, Namjoon felt Yoongi's hand on his back. And when he looked at him, he shook his head and patted his cheeks softly.
Yoongi smiled at him—sad, almost in tears again. "Let's give hyung his rest, hm, Joonie? It's been a long day," he was baffled and when he looked back at Seokjin, he was smiling and nodding.
"Come here," Yoongi helped Seokjin sit and Namjoon immediately hugged his brother's fragile, soft, sick body. He felt warm and he basked for a while. Learning the breathing pattern of his brother, the soft part on his back, and whispers of thank you and I love you.
"I love you too, hyung.” Namjoon cried.
—
It was the evening when Namjoon decided to come back and brought his hyungs their overnight bag and food his mother prepared since Seokjin needed to be hospitalized for a while.
He could see the disappointment and frawn of his brother when it was announced earlier by his doctor. There were a couple of antibiotics, fever reducers, and anti-inflammatory medicines on his IV lines, that Yoongi needed to hold him because of how painful it was travelling through his veins.
And Namjoon could now understand why Seokjin didn't want to spend his whole remaining days in this hospital bed.
He was about to knock on his brother’s hospital room when he heard murmurs and sniffling as if the people inside had been crying for a while. He let the door open at a small angle and rested his head on the wall.
Namjoon exhales. More talking inside and shuffling of chairs until he hears his hyungs talking.
“Yoongi-yah…” Namjoon could hear now how Seokjin’s breath became rugged and he closed his eyes. Willing himself not to tear himself and just accept that any moment. At this moment, Seokjin will be taken away from them. “Please allow yourself to love again,”
“No, no. No, Seokjin. Don’t say that. Please…”
“Yoongi, you need someone,” Seokjin paused and Namjoon couldn't breathe. He hears Yoongi crying so hard that if someone cares in this hallway, they will probably question the noises. But no one cares.
“I don’t care, Seokjin. I will grow old alone. I will never love anyone, you know that. Please, don’t do this,” Namjoon wiped the tear that ran through his cheeks and looked again inside the ajar of their hospital room.
“Yoongi-yah…” Seokjin’s voice was so broken in Namjoon's ears. He gulps and brings himself to sit on the floor. Bracing the pain his hyungs are experiencing right now. “Yoongi, my love,” Seokjin seemed to be in pain, vulnerable as he should be, so much that he sounded so lost.
And then, he spoke, quietly, sincerely to Yoongi. And Namjoon listens. "If… if this is the last minute that I have, I want to spend every second by your side, Yoongi, my love," Seokjin's voice was breathless, wavering, in pain but Namjoon was so sure, Yoongi still heard everything from it.
A sob broke. And Namjoon knows it is not from him but one from his hyungs. "Forever's not enough on how much I love you, Seokjin," Yoongi choked a sob and breathed. Namjoon could hear him smiling, being strong for Seokjin, "Forever's not e-enough for us," he whispered and when Namjoon peeked inside the room he was reaching for Seokjin's face.
"And I will always remember how you loved Yoongi. You're every bit, and I will try to bring it to the other side," Seokjin closes his eyes and Namjoon should not be seeing this. He should not feel this pain for his hyungs. He should not be envious of the love they withhold to each other when one is in the line of dying.
"I l-love you, it hurts," tears rolled from their eyes, and it was so painful to witness this love. Seokjin’s eyes remain closed as Yoongi kisses his face. Namjoon could see how Yoongi was shaking—from fear, from the pain, of the pain, and seeing the love of his life fighting for the borrowed life that was indeed to be returned any minute now.
In a whisper, Seokjin says. "And you will always have my love, Yoongi."
‘’I will still love you...In ways, I have never loved anyone else.’’ Yoongi replied. It was a promise. A declaration. An ending of the love they built, they nurtured, they bleed, and they bloom.
I love you, it hurts, Namjoon closes his eyes and clutches his chest. It was a paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
His tears fell again—uncontrollably.
And then, Namjoon hears footsteps. He looks up, stands up, and bows to the rotating Doctors and two nurses trailing him. They peeked inside and they nodded understandingly.
“How many minutes is it?” the Doctor asked. Namjoon looked at his wristwatch. Closes his eyes, wiping them, before opening them. Looking inside again.
“20 m-minutes,” his voice raspy and his throat is in pain. But nothing compares to the love that is being declared inside the four corners of Seokjin’s hospital bed.
The four of them saw Yoongi holding Seokjin’s hand. Both were crying and their voices were so loud and so silent. ‘’You are the only one who treated me right, that I am enough. You have surpassed my love for you. But you've been taken away from me even if I haven't done loving you. I'm not ready to let you g-go,” Namjoon sobbed again and so he turned back away from the nurses and doctors.
“Yoongi-yah, look at me, sweetheart,” Seokjin called in. Namjoon heard different noises—the doctor calling other doctors, medical jargon being told, and Seokjin’s final words that ceased the movements around Namjoon.
‘’Maybe we meet earlier in our lives because the world knows we won’t be growing old together.’’
Then, there’s a long ringing of silence in his ears, everything stops—his breathing, his tears, the tremble of his fingers—before chaos regains inside Seokjin’s room, indicating how his health fails him forever.
○○○
Yoongi never cries.
He never cried after the night talk he had with Seokjin. It was his last cry.
Even when the doctor announced Seokjin's time of death, he just stared at Seokjin and never cried again. Even if the nurses are undressing and dressing Seokjin for his cremation, he never cries and just helps.
Even after the funeral of Seokjin, he ashers everyone, with a polite smile on his face, hugging everyone and consoling Seokjin's family, and his family. He never cried. He cleans Seokjin's funeral room silently. Just sitting there, looking at Seokjin's smiling photo.
Namjoon may be seeing him talking to him silently and smiling too. But he never cried.
He never cried when they finally put Seokjin's cremated ashes into the sea.
"It was Seokjin-hyung's wish.”
That's the only coherent words they received from him. But they never questioned him. They just go with it.
And still, Yoongi never cried when he threw the ashes. They just stayed there. Silently crying about why Yoongi never cries.
Going back to land, Yoongi just hugged Seokjin's framed photo near his heart, his face void of emotions.
"Be strong for me, Yoongi-yah.”
Namjoon looked at him.
“Be the strongest for us. Because I’m too weak for that.” Yoongi continued and Namjoon just looked at him. Holding his dear breath and tears.
If Yoongi can take this situation strongly, then Namjoon can try harder.
“Hyung?” Namjoon called, asking.
Yoongi looked at him. His face was at peace. Eyebags are full out. He lost too much weight too.
Smiling. “That is what your brother told me, Namjoon-ah,” Yoongi nodded and reached Namjoon's arm. “I disagree with being strong amidst all this. But I promise him,” Namjoon nodded.
Understanding what Yoongi is talking about.
Then, they both looked at the setting sun. He saw Yoongi close his eyes, breathe hard, and hugged more tightly the framed picture of his husband.
“I promised to be strong because that is how I show my love for him.” Yoongi whispered and Namjoon saw him gulp and tighten his eyes shut.
‘’Hi,’’ Seokjin smiled at the camera.
His husband’s eyes were red to the rim, from crying and Yoongi clutched his heart from just seeing the video. Of how he missed seeing him, holding him, kissing him.
He missed everything about Seokjin.
Yoongi breathes but it's so hard to do so.
‘’I will never know your name. But I wanted to start by saying thank you,’’ his husband smiled. The smile he will never forget.
‘’Thank you for loving my husband,’’ no, no, no, Yoongi’s mind chanted for him.
Seokjin’s breath hitched and now his eyes were full of tears. ‘’I am sorry, I am so jealous of you, you get to live the life that I really wanted with all my heart,’’ he nodded and gave a small smile. ‘’I am jealous you get to grow up with Yoongi,’’ Seokjin broke his voice and Yoongi felt the pain in his heart, punching him in the gut.
He can’t see now on his screen how much he was crying.
‘’But I can’t thank you enough for growing old with him,’’ his husband again smiled before taking the plastic container and spitting some blood on it.
Yoongi brawled and his knees touched the ground, still clutching his heart.
‘’Yoongi and I met at college. He’s the smartest, he’s the goofest, and I am not. And so I never really expected he would go say hi to me, to become friends. I never had time but he has many so I used that,’’ Yoongi breathed and for the first time after Seokjin’s funeral he had shown an honest smile.
Remembering his late husband in their twenties, Seokjin was shy and planned everything just to see him smile.
And it worked.
Seokjin again spitted blood. Yoongi wanted to be there for him seeing his husband like this. ‘’At our wedding, I told the story of how we fell in love and it brought too many tears to us because,’’ Seokjin paused and smiled. Yoongi feels like Seokjin is telling him that it's okay, I am fine now, and that he loves Yoongi. ‘’Because right then I could never imagine a day without him,’’ and Yoongi will never be fine.
A day without Seokjin is like an eternity of hell for him.
‘’And now, I am heartbroken that I have imagined him living his days without me,’’ and Seokjin covers his face, sobbing, before nodding, breathing to calm himself.
Yoongi did it too. He was mimicking how Seokjin used to calm him.
‘’But those days will be better with you,’’ no, no, no, Yoongi’s mind chanted on him again. That will never happen.
Yoongi swears on his heart, to Seokjin, to god, and to everyone that he will never ever love again as much as he loves Seokjin.
‘’When all of this happened, my last words to Yoongi really hurt him. I told him that I wanted him to find somebody else,’’ Seokjin’s tears never stop. ‘’That he deserved to be loved again and it hurt him for me to say that but I believe with all my heart Yoongi deserves to be loved with every bit of his being,’’ Yoongi by hearing all of that just shook his head no and begging Seokjin to stop talking right now.
Yoongi is having a hard time breathing and all he wants is to be with Seokjin right now.
‘’Yoongi is creative, he's a genius, he can make lyrics in 20 minutes, he can make you an album full of his love. He loves deeply,’’ Yoongi just stares at his laptop screen, looking at Seokjin smiling genuinely at him, and Yoongi can’t believe how selfless his husband is, thinking all Seokjin was on his mind was Yoogi when he was the one’s sick.
‘’You will be the luckiest person next to me and I’m so happy to have you find him,’’ Seokjin spits again.
‘’He took care of me,’’ Seokjin laughs but Yoongi has no strength to indulge his husband right now. ‘’I know I’ve been disgusting,’’ Yoongi shook his head no. Wanted to remind him how he vowed to him for sickness and health.
‘’He tries to give me a chance to get every treatment and even surgery too many times and I know it was really hard on him to know that I was gonna have three terrible months left,’’ Seokjin breaks his voice and Yoongi holds the nearest armrest for support and let him sit on the flower.
Sobbing silently, wiping harshly his face, and breathing unevenly. If there are other terms for how his heart is not functioning right now or how hurt he was feeling, he might as well want to die right now.
‘’The days left were terrible but we were also right that they were worth it. Because I want to prepare a way for you,’’ Seokjin points at the camera. It is not directly for Yoongi but for the next person who will be with Yoongi.
‘’For Yoongi’s next chapter, for the family, we promised he doesn't gonna have now,’’ Seokjin breathed and another pool of tears was shed from his puffy eyes. With his failing health, his pale face, his cheeks deflated, and his under-eyes were too tired, but Yoongi swears he was the most beautiful right now.
‘’You are the luckiest person in the world and I’m grateful that he gave you a chance and that he chose to love again,’’ with all Yoongi’s strength he shouts no and brings his knees closer to him. Inhaling the remnants of Seokjin’s perfume to the hoodie he is wearing. Blaming himself, everything, everyone, for getting his husband away from him.
He hears an opening of the door and he knows it is Namjoon. But he does not care. It was long ago how he let himself not grieve for his husband. His poor husband.
How is he going to live now?
‘’Please take care of yourself so that you can take good care of Yoongi. Be kind to him, give him his space, let him go when he’s about to get mad because he can’t do his music, let him use your voice in his vocals, let him be himself,’’ the video is still ongoing and Yoongi was nowhere sane to hear all of that.
He was just sobbing, whining, shouting silently, folding himself so small on his knees, and rocking himself for his own comfort. No, no, no, Yoongi’s mind chanting on him once again. Believing this is not Seokjin’s last words for him.
‘’Love him for who he is because if you can love him, he will love you back and he will be the kindest person, the best person,’’ he hears the video stop for a while and with a blurry eye he glances at the laptop screen and saw Seokjin smiling at him. Blinding Yoongi how the light engulfs him from the hospital lights.
Yoongi stills and he can feel Namjoon’s big arms on him when Seokjin says the next line.
‘’Thank you for loving my ride. He’s yours now and I’ll see you both on the next trip.’’
And after Namjoon put Yoongi to sleep that night, he stopped breathing the next morning and they found him lifeless hugging the picture frame of Seokjin.
He had a smile on his face—as if the remnants of the whole night's crying never happened to him. He was just sleeping soundlessly peacefully and the light from their window pane kissed his pale face, almost translucent from how life had been taken from him.
Namjoon did not panic, collected himself, and looked for everything that may have caused this.
No letter.
No bottles of anything.
Not even sharp objects.
Yoongi was clean.
And that’s when Namjoon realized how love can make you whole and can make you shattered at the same time.
‘’It’s broken heart syndrome.”
The doctor told them that everything about Yoongi’s laboratory tests came out negative.
"I'm so sorry," Namjoon looked at the Doctor, searching for answers. Pleading, to give them answers that their human capacity cannot fathom.
"Has he been upset? In pain? Emotionally?" Namjoon gulps and looks at the body of Min Yoongi. Laying cold in touch. His eyes have been swollen but his face has been peaceful, ever since his brother's announcement of cancer.
Namjoon clears his throat. "His husband," he started and he couldn't help how his eyes pooled at that. "Just died yesterday," it became a whisper. A phrase, even he, cannot eventually think will happen in this lifetime.
The doc nodded, understandingly. "Broken heart syndrome has been a phenomenon almost to this situation," the Doc looked at them, sympathy in his eyes, and Namjoon was grateful. "And I think that explains everything," then he looked at Namjoon's family and Yoongi’s.
‘’It was the only thing we can conclude right now.’’ and everyone in the room looked at Yoongi’s body in the hospital bed.
Unmoving. A peaceful angel.
Then, everything works in slow motion. Nurses were everywhere, fine movements were in Namjoon’s sight, and everything felt tight in his throat and chest.
‘’Oh god,’’ Namjoon got to catch his mother’s body and finally, caught a sob in his throat.
‘’I think they are bound to be together until death.”
Namjoon hears Yoongi’s mother tell his mom and she nods. And all Namjoon can hear the whole day is sobbing and talking about the love between Yoongi and Seokjin.
They are bound to be together until death.
Namjoon thinks it is painfully beautiful that you can’t have your love alive and so beautifully can have them after death.
It was the love that never happens to everyone. It was a promise of a lifetime and vows of eternity to be with each other that even death can’t conquer that fear of death and loneliness.
●●●
Present.
With all the recognition, Namjoon can't seem to feel happier.
He had been somber since writing about Yoongi and Seokjin's life and he thinks it got worse since it's been a year. But he was glad – many people who reviewed the book received hope, saw love in another light, some have the same experience, some people were healed, and many are still in the process of healing.
And it is a process; losing someone is not just an overnight agony.
It may be a lifetime for others and some for days. But having to witness all of it, in front of him, from the beginning of their love, how it grows, matures, how he witnesses what true love is, Namjoon thinks he will take this feeling of sadness, of loneliness, of not being healed for a lifetime.
It's not for him that he's not healed, it's what the love that was left.
Yoongi and Seokjin have the greatest love for each other and even death can't make them apart.
"Hyung?" Namjoon lastly puffs his cigarette and faces Jeongguk who is slowly walking towards him.
The air blows his hair, and the nighttime fall on the rooftop of their company gave him chills and warmth.
"They have been searching for you," Jeongguk's voice is small and he smiles. "The star of the night was supposed to be inside, why are you here?"
There's a pregnant distance between them as Namjoon again faces the nightline above them.
He was poetic about the moon and stars and constellations, and the galaxy. Heck, he can even make prose and poems just by looking at the man beside him but tonight, it was different.
The moon and the stars that surrounded them were Yoongi and Seokjin. Finally being together forever.
And even if Namjoon only sees them at night, it is good enough for him. To finally have the closure of the love he once was praised for.
For the love, he wants to stay close to his heart. He never wants to forget that their love was once there and it was so beautiful.
"Thank you for writing the book, Joonie," a tear escaped from his eyes hearing Jeongguk's voice. It was familiar, it was close to him, it was loving.
"I–" he cleared his throat and faced Jeongguk who was now reaching for his face. "I had to," he closes his eyes when a gentle finger lands on him and he sighs.
"They are beautiful. I hope I had a chance to meet them. You are beautiful, Namjoon-ah. I hope you know that," it was a whisper of adoration and Namjoon just nodded before opening his eyes and smiling when he saw Jeongguk crying too.
The most beautiful soul he ever met in his lifetime.
"I want that l-love," he started, staring at Jeongguk. "A love that will help me grow. A love that will fix me. I want to love like that," Jeongguk with wobbled lips just nods slowly while whipping his face.
"You will, Joonie," he sniffed. Hesitantly, Namjoon reaches for him and Jeongguk immediately leans on his palm. His face is warm, perfectly slotted to his large hand.
"I wanted it to be with you," he was glad Yoongi and Seokjin were the first ones to hear his confession next to Jeongguk.
Jeongguk choked a sob and launched himself directly—hugging Namjoon's neck and nodded frantically. "I would like that, Hyungie.” Namjoon nuzzled closer to his neck and hugged his waist closer until they settled on silent sobs and gentle caresses.
It has been so long since they held each other up for breaking their emotions.
They have never talked about being official. It was all stolen moments, shy smiles, silly crushes, blushes of cheeks, and biased praise for each other's work in the office.
Until a confession of mutual likeness, but also Namjoon's dissociation, hesitations, and Jeongguk's wide understanding and patience.
It was not easy since Namjoon had not just lost a brother from Seokjin but also a best friend in Yoongi.
And he did not want Jeongguk to be his emotional punching bag for what he really felt. Of how longing he had in his heart. Of how he wanted to be loved and how he wanted to love fully and not half-heartedly.
He wants to love as his best version, so Jeongguk waits.
○○○
A year later.
"Hi, hyungs. How are the both of you?"
Namjoon closes his eyes when he feels the air seeping into his cardigan. He smiles when the autumn leaves rutles on the ground and he grins when a bird squawks at them far from Seokjin and Yoongi's tombs.
"Hm. I guess you're both fine."
Together with Jeongguk, they lay their gifts to his hyungs. With the combination of pink peonies with dangling dandelions, and rose mallows to their favourite foods and whiskey.
Jeongguk caresses both of their names in the tombs and Namjoon sees him smile. "I heard from Namjoon-hyung you both love whiskey,” Jeongguk looked at him and he tightened his hold on his hand. "I hope you're doing okay up there, hyungs." Namjoon nodded.
A beat of silence. More wind blowing, more leaves rustling on the ground, and more birds singing before Jeongguk started talking again.
"Namjoon-hyung shares your life with the world," Jeongguk scrunched his nose and hid a painful pink blush in his hands Namjoon couldn't breathe. "'Twas beautiful," then Jeongguk kisses the knuckles of Namjoon whom he is holding. "No, it was not just beautiful but it was painful too." Namjoon felt his lips wobble and so he gulped and looked at his hyungs.
If they are with him right now, he knows they will be too delighted for Namjoon's success.
Seokjin and Yoongi are Namjoon's biggest treasure, his biggest pride, his Nobel prize, his inspiration, his muses, the voice he will always remember when writing at night feels too lonely, and breathing in the morning feels suffocating.
He knew the moment Seokjin's body betrayed him, everything would never be the same.
But he never felt their love for him and to each other falter.
He remembers Seokjin preparing his meals on those days when he was secretly doing remote work while being with them. Remember the smell of Seokjin’s fabric conditioner on the blanket he once draped on Namjoon. Remember Yoongi making extra coffee for him when he fell asleep on their family couch because he was too exhausted and sad to be alone. The orange peels are drying on their center table where Yoongi peels his orange to feed him and Seokjin.
He could still feel the warmth of Seokjin's dying hands on his palm and the coldness of Yoongi's hug the last night he was with them. He is still not moving any of their things in their rooms, remembering how Seokjin hates messing with their things. Yoongi's notebook full of scribbles from poems to lyrics is still on his desk. The laptop with Seokjin's video message for Yoongi was still on pause and Namjoon let his battery run dry.
Their love never changes, never falters, and never fades. For what is worth—their love overflows, too much, and too little that Namjoon didn't know how to store it in his heart.
"Don't worry about me anymore, hyungdeul," Namjoon said to them when it felt like a lifetime of silence. And felt Jeongguk's hands on his face. Wiping his tears—ever so light, ever so lovely, ever so kind, and beautiful.
"You always tell me that when I'm doing something, I need to channel a person that is best at it. I am doing that a lot now and I realize I was channelling both you and Yoongi-hyung," Namjoon caresses the name and the phrase on their tombs. (“To the loving memory of Kim Seokjin and Min Yoongi. Your love is within our hearts, love freely.”)
Namjoon cleared his throat and held Jeongguk’s hand. He continued: "I channel you Seokjin-hyung when I need confidence and I channel Yoongi-hyung when I need self-love. And I think I am doing good at it," he smiled remembering the comfort his hyungs gave to him. Their words, their actions, their life, and their love. And he thinks, he thinks, that he will be okay with those memories. In his heart. Buried deeply.
It's not too soon but he will be soon. Healing is a long process, anyway.
He tightens his grip on Jeongguk and exhales. "And so, I will be okay. I am okay," and he looked at Jeongguk who was smiling proudly at him. With a pool of tears on his face, and a wobble of his lips, he whispered, "I am so proud of you, Joonie," and Namjoon returned the same smile and looked at his hyungs again. "I know they are too," Namjoon then looked above the sky and smiled when a wind passed by them.
"I will feel sad, yes,” he looked down. “But I won't feel too alone now." he looked at Jeongguk as he was drawn to his ocean eyes. Glassy and big crying eyes.
Jeongguk kisses his nose and then his forehead, and Namjoon closes his eyes.
"I'll be with him, Seokjin-hyung, Yoongi-hyung," when Namjoon opens his eyes, Jeongguk is still looking at him.
He's so in love that his heart constricts how love could feel this extreme.
Nodding, Jeongguk cards his fingers to his hair and continues. "I will be with him through darkness and light. Through sadness and joy. I will hold his hand when he crumbles, hug him when he can't breathe, and love him more when he feels unlovable." Then Jeongguk moves to plant a soft kiss on the side of Namjoon's mouth.
“I love you,” Namjoon confesses and more tears come out from him and Jeongguk never fails to wipe and kiss it.
“I know,” he nodded and smiled. A smile that can cure the world. Can make everything impossible possible. “Thank you for letting yourself love me, Namjoon-ah,” another kiss to both of his eyelids and Namjoon tightens his hold on his torso. “I love you even more.” Jeongguk conceded and hugged him after. Tighter, as if Namjoon’s attempt to reform his broken heart is not enough. Jeongguk’s hug is like doubling Namjoon’s effort to make himself whole again.
And Namjoon admitted he was healed by that.
It's been another year.
A year of remembering his hyungs' lives and love. A year of reminiscing the events, the memories, the pain, and the love Namjoon will never forget.
He remembered a year ago, here, in the same spot, how he cried out loud. Thumping his chest for the inevitable pain he feels from their passing.
He was so alone, so scared, so angry, with so many questions unanswered and so humbly praying to God to make the pain less painful.
Begging to take the pain away.
But now, seeing Jeongguk on his side, whose stars and galaxies, and gardens of flowers, of colourful colours, a breath of fresh air and forgiveness, Namjoon knew he would never experience that pain alone again.
○○○