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Sechen was curled against his knees, a light blanket barely draped over him as the Thavnairian sun warmed his back. He traced the patterns of the drapery with an empty stare, and tried to hide stolen glances at his bed partner to little success.
Thancred had always been a beautiful man. The morning light wreathed him in an especially flattering way, but he didn’t need any help– not when his guard was down. The quirk of a smile underneath false charms, the twinkle in his eye at a trick barely pulled off, even (perhaps especially) the way anger tugged at his features under a mask of neutrality. His face said so much more than he ever could, ever would before he was good and ready, and time had aged him beyond his years like a fine wine.
There was a tension in Thancred’s muscles, almost always. At rest, when surrounded by friends, when he thought he was alone, Thancred was ever braced for the sky to fall, as if he knew in his heart of hearts that when it did, he would take the whole of it.
But this morning, the tension was gone. A beautiful, beautiful man, granting Sechen the comfort of being considered safety.
Sechen’s eyes fluttered closed, and he looked away again before the thought could overwhelm him, drag him back into a darkness he was tired of wading through. His failures could be held against him time and time again, and should be, but–
“Good morning. What’s on your agenda today? Moping, drinking, another test of the strength of various furnitures?”
Sechen’s lips twitched into a wry smile. Equal parts judgement and permission. What a trick.
“You’re too kind to me, Thancred.”
Picking up on the serious tone, Thancred hummed as he sat up and looked Sechen over. What he was looking for was impossible to say, but he sighed and leaned against Sechen, offering an affectionate rub of his morning stubble against cheek and scale. “Say that to me again, just like that, after we’ve had breakfast.”
Sechen let a laugh slip through, and nodded. Maybe he was being too serious for the hour. “After breakfast. And maybe a bath.”
Thancred answered with an appreciative groan. “Gods, my kingdom for a bath!”
— x —
Breakfast was taken in Sechen’s room as usual, a chance to lounge in little more than robes and speak in soothing tongues through their morning gossip. Had Sechen seen the way that Radiant Dancer was making eyes at the cook in the Meghaduta? Had Thancred heard the teenagers giggling over exchanged flowers? They relished in the teasing of people who would never hear it just as much as they enjoyed seeing life back in the eyes of strangers. The world had not ended, in spite of its best efforts. Love could still blossom, hearts could still break, and they could still talk over a good jam about something that didn’t hurt.
They took their baths separately, more for comfort than modesty with the sticky heat of the jungle as the morning turned to day. Sechen went second and was still soaking when the feeling bubbled up again. He leaned over the edge of the tub, idly watching Thancred rolling tobacco with some concerted effort. Beautiful…
“You’re too kind to me, Thancred.” Just like that. The still water and acoustics of the walls added a certain extra quiet to the air, but otherwise..
Thancred nodded offhand, not looking up from his task. He’d been waiting for it, too. He hummed softly. “Estinien is far, far too soft on you.” Sechen blinked, but didn’t respond. Thancred had had all morning to think about this, and obviously had. “I tell him all the time, and he can’t even be bothered to refute it. He treats you like a babe fresh from the cradle, and I truly wonder sometimes what he’s seen of you that scares him so much.”
The wording was uncomfortable, strange, and Sechen’s big eyes clearly showed it, because Thancred offered him a vague wave of the hand.
“But I like to think I’ve been just as harsh as you need,” Thancred continued. “That scar on your hand isn’t from my good nature.”
“...I know.” Sechen raised his palm, and took a moment to appreciate the scar there. Thick and even, a solid line across. It caused him some trouble in his handwriting these days, but he’d never been one for letter-writing anyway. “And I still cherish it.”
Thancred had given him this wound a few rooms away, just a few months after their miserable forray into Ultima Thule. In the depths of Sechen’s despair, and worse, his delusions. The feeling of godhood, of being above all those around him, had haunted Sechen and his relationships like a ghost. Still did, when he wasn’t careful. But Thancred had done his damndest to put a stop to it. He’d taken a knife, ran it deep across Sechen’s palm, and said ‘There. You can still bleed, can’t you?’
It was grounding. Precious. Thancred had been frustrated, angry even, but he had given Sechen exactly what he needed. And that was a kindness too, and with it came Sechen’s rebuttal: “All this time you spend with me… I don’t want you to waste it. I’m sure you–”
“Well I won’t be having that,” Thancred cut him off casually.
“..what?”
“You know how long it takes me to come here because you’ve taken the trip with me – something I appreciate, by the way, even when I can’t say it outright. Frankly, to take that kind of journey just to cheer you up would be a fool’s errand. The second I leave, you’ll be back to your wallowing, won’t you?”
Sechen’s ears folded back, embarrassed. “...Sometimes.”
Affectionately, Thancred granted, “Less, these days.”
“Less these days.”
He finally finished rolling his cigarette and took a moment to light it. “My point being… you don’t need me. You never have. So my staying here is not a kindness. Not to you.” There was a pause, then, longer than Thancred would normally allow. He was giving himself a chance to decide what he wanted to say next, rather than pushing ever-forward with the most clever answer he could find. That was a sign of safety, too. When he finally spoke again, his voice was lower. “...I like you, Sechen. Even at your lowest, it has been a true delight to get to know you.” Another beat, before he added, “I would consider myself lucky if this arrangement might continue once you’ve regained your footing.”
Sechen recognized that tone all too well, and he sunk further into the bath to grant himself a moment of distress. That Thancred could consider himself somehow unworthy even now– not of Sechen, but of affection at all… He let out a Kojin-blessed sigh under the water, and finally stood to climb from the bath and drain it.
He didn’t bother reaching for a towel, just perched on a chair while he waited to dry, and stared Thancred down. It was uncomfortable, to speak plainly. “I like you, too. I want you to stay around, whenever it’s convenient. No matter what. I want to be a part of your life, even if I’m never a hero again.”
Thancred blinked at him, surprised, then gave a sheepish smile. They both knew they were too guarded, even when they felt perfectly safe. “...I’m glad to hear it.”
“Estinien likes you too, you know. Sometimes I worry I’ve waited too long, that he’ll call off our engagement to sweep you off your feet instead.”
Thancred threw his head back in a bark of laughter. “Don’t be ridiculous, you haven’t seen the way he looks at you.”
“You haven’t seen the way he looks at you.”
The teasing continued back and forth even as Thancred finished his cigarette and came across the room to dry Sechen’s hair, ending with a head full of fluff and a soft kiss on his forehead, voice so quiet it might be a whisper. “...I can only hope you’re using this time to understand… something. That the sun still shines, even as you hide away from it. Enjoying each other’s company isn’t simply delaying the next horror– not if you don’t want it to be.”
Sechen closed his eyes, and tried to memorize the scent of the soaps Thancred used. “...I know. With enough time, I hope the rest of me will know too.”