Archive of Our Own

Perhaps there were too many things going on in her immediate surroundings to fully grasp the current state of anyone besides herself. The Warrior of Light was not really the type of person to pay much attention to people around them, to the subtleties of their facial expressions or the tone of their voices when they spoke to each other. She had been too busy with her surroundings, with her mission, with watching Alphinaud trying to pick up firewood. She couldn't pay attention to anything about Ysayle and Estinien's interactions with each other, really. Not while they were in the thick of things like this.

When Ysayle shattered over the yellowed sky of Azys Lla, Estinien says something.

"She was a good woman." She wasn't fully sure she could know that. She knew Ysayle, she knew that she wasn't just the heretic that Ishgard made her out to be. But 'good' and 'bad' were such relative things, and it was surprising to hear this from Estinien in particular.

Erdem gently pushes her stark white hair out of her eyes, her watery pink eyes squinting at Estinien in the eerie light surrounding them.

"Yes," she says. Her voice is breathy and chilled— she can't control it right now.. "She was."

She had too much to do and not enough time to process any of it. Ysayle's death itself, especially in how sudden it felt. The tone in Estinien's voice when he said that— that she was a good woman.. Erdem had to wonder just how much she had missed on that journey. What she had missed by spending so much time thinking about other deaths, honestly. About clearing her own name in some capacity, after the events of that [awful banquet, which felt so long ago]

She had often assumed that Estinien loathed Ysayle and what she represented as Lady Iceheart. He had made it seem that way, certainly. Erdem did not want to so fully question Estinien's motives in speaking like this. Estinien did not seem like the type to say things for the sake of decorum and Erdem was not the type of person to speculate.

Time passes. After the events at the Aetherochemical Facility, she assumes she might not see Estinien ever again, which is a decent way to narrow things down. There is nothing to worry about.

When Estinien appears as Nidhogg— or rather when Nidhogg appears as Estinien— it's alarming. When he eventually saves her life, it's also concerning, somehow, but she should probably give Estinien more credit.

At that point, Estinien does vanish from her view for a good long while. When he does, she stops thinking about Estinien as much She doesn't think as much about what he'd ever done for her. Especially the words he had said about Ysayle, back on Azys Lla, all those moons ago.

Back then, she had far too many other things to occupy her mind. Until Ysayle saw fit to come back into her life more decisively, at least.

Erdem was overwhelmed by Norvrandt, even after a day or two to adapt to things. Not just by the literal blinding light surrounding her, but also by the shift in her responsibilities. She was too overwhelmed to notice the young elf woman working in the Wandering Stairs, initially. She did need a drink, though. Especially in the face of her new task, but also because she had just started her path on some impossible journey.

Erdem was well aware now that she didn't want to draw too much attention to her status or ties to the Crystal Exarch. She also didn't want to draw too much attention to the fact that she was a clear foreigner. She'd been very confused the first couple of times someone had referred to her as a Drahn, until she finally saw another Drahn in the city. Ah, they're just Au'ra!, she thought, but she chose to say nothing.

She was just an outsider. It didn't really matter where she hailed from here— to anyone in this city or otherwise. That wasn't worth musing over, however. Right now, the only thing she wanted to focus on was the thought of something from that tap in her mouth. Maybe she was ignoring a lot of her survival instincts in the process. She didn't care.

She approaches the young woman, noting the near pure white color of her hair, cropped close to her head. That alone was not too remarkable to Erdem — there were many Elf women with hair of that color. She didn't even notice her golden eyes, at least not immediately. She was still preoccupied with the current state of her affairs and the state of this bar. She was still rather surprised when the young woman opened her mouth.

"Can I help you?" The even, almost regal tone seemed a little unusual for a barmaid, but Erdem was more taken aback by the specific timbre of her voice, and whose voice it resembled. The surprise must have been obvious in her expression, because the young woman's expression shifted from bored into something more like concern.

She ducks down slightly, so that the height difference between the two of them was leveled somewhat. "Is everything alright?"

Erdem opened her mouth, the name "Ysayle" forming around her lips. She ends up stumbling a little on her words, forcing a smile instead. It would be more than a little strange to immediately ask if this woman was actually someone else.

"Yes - sorry. I was wondering what sorts of beer you had on tap?" She gestured to the walls of liquor and kegs behind the young Ysayle sound-alike.

The woman blinked, a semi-familiar prideful expression blooming on her lips, as she glanced back to what Erdem was indicating.

"Ale." She said it in a way like it was so obvious, like she would be able to see through the kegs to see it. Or be able to tell it was ale just at a glance, really.

She blinks, scratching slightly at one of her horns. She reaches for her coin purse— it's not worth trying to get smart with the woman pouring her drink right now. "I'll have a pint of that then, thank you."

The taste of the ale was fairly standard - it's about the same as any beer she remembers from Eorzea or even the Steppe. She didn't know what would be different, either. For the most part, beer just tasted like beer. She could hear some Lucian and the rest of the Archer's Guild cringing at the thought.

Maybe it was a little darker than she was used to. The barmaid had clearly not given her the most watered down beer they had. Lucky her. She had expected something very different, considering. Maybe her reputation had already preceded her as an outsider, maybe she was already interesting. Maybe the barmaid had just been kind, or decided that Erdem deserved a stiff drink.

She nodded to herself, though she was still not sure how to lead a somewhat normal life here, without many of her friends or known comforts. She could think about the unusual similarities of that young woman with Ysayle some other time. She knew something about how time passed a little bit different, and how different people could be reborn, after a fashion. It felt too good to be true, honestly. Almost like the coincidence was too great, to find a once dead ally reborn here on this far away plane.

The Crystal Exarch had said something about how time had passed differently here. How Y'shtola had been here the longest, then Thancred, the twins even less. Erdem wondered if any of them met this young woman, standing behind the bar at the Wandering Stairs? She decided that she would ask Alphinaud when he next returned, given that he had known Ysayle best— aside from her, anyways. He would be the one most likely to back her up for this theory.

It takes a day or two. The time passes quickly for Erdem, since she was still getting acquainted to the Crystarium itself, just as much as everything else. Alphinaud got word of Erdem appearing without her even having to announce anything.

Alphinaud catches her leaving the library, barely paying attention to anything. She hears his voice before she can see him.

"It's you-! I knew that you'd be coming along eventually, but I was rather hoping you'd come to me first…" Erdem tilted her head slightly at that. It made sense that she would head out to another new place right away, when she was still unsure of what the Crystarium was like. Currently, she barely even knew where Kholusia was, and she had half a mind to remind the young Elezen — of this fact, when he just continued to talk to her.

"Was there something troubling you? Well, there must be a few things, if I'm being honest. After all this time you've been separated from the rest of us? Except— wait, how long has it been."

There's a pause in conversation as Erdem tries to figure out how to answer the question. She settles for a shrug. It doesn't matter too much. Instead, she asks her own question. "Alphinaud, how much do you know about the bar staff at the Wandering Stairs?"

Alphinaud laughs at that. "Well, I can't say I've ever had a pint over there, nor do I really know many of the residents here— why?"

She shrugs. "You'll see."

The young woman's still there, and Erdem can see Alphinaud blink and pause as she comes to view.

"Is that — excuse me, miss?"

The barmaid looked up again from the glass she was studiously wash.

"… Yes?"

"Erm—" Alphinaud withered a little, before sighing. "Could I have a glass of water for your trouble?"

She frowns at the request, and fulfills it without saying anything.

Alphinaud left his glass of water abandoned on the counter top at the bar, apparently defeated by the young woman standing in front of the two of them.

"Is that really-?" Alphinaud appears to be lost in thought as he considers the implications of the young woman. "I suppose it's- the aether has to go somewhere? Rather like what they said about Minfillia? I suppose Thancred would know more about that -" He laughs to himself. "Do you really think that's Ysayle?"

Erdem shrugged lightly. "Didn't say it was literally Ysayle. It's just what you said." She couldn't think of a way to tell the young barmaid about this. It felt almost like it wasn't necessary at all. At the same time, it all feels rather unfair.

"Did you catch her name?"

She blinks. "No, I didn't. I'm sure I could ask, though."

Alphinaud gave her a funny look, though it could be taken as a knowing one, too.

Her name was Sile, according to Alberich, the other barkeepat the Wandering Stairs. Alberich had winked knowingly as Alphinaud asked his question, like he was assuming that this was some kind of silly romantic inquiry. "She's very pretty, you're right," Alberich said, laughing. "But she's a frigid one— you'll have a hard time talking to her no matter what you want."

Alphinaud looked too amused by this whole thing when they reconvened in Erdem's room in the Pendants. "You've got some way to contact those on the Source, don't you?"

Erdem recalled Feo Ul, that pixie who'd attached themselves to her prior, with their strange talking habits. "I do, yes."

"Do you think you could pass some message along, then? It could be a very interesting phenomenon overall, I think, to everyone. Even if Ysayle was never technically a Scion, she sacrificed so much for us."

Erdem's mind wandered back to that conversation with Estinien, thinking about the particular tones of "She was a good woman", and had to wonder just what he had been thinking when he said those words. It had been too long since she'd seriously thought about this. Honestly, it had been too long since she'd thought of Ysayle at all.

Erdem spent some time going over what she wanted to convey to Feo Ul in her head, whether she should mention Sile by name, whether she should state their suspicions or not. Erdem ends up settling on just saying it outright.

Miss Tataru,
Apologies for the worry. I didn't want this to be my first contact, but we have met a most interesting person here on the First. They fit Ysayle's overall countenance to a really impressive degree, so we think that she may be the result of her aether re-emerging from the Lifestream. Please tell this to the rest of the Scions or whomever else might seem interested.

She left Estinien's name out, but they hoped that it would be enough for Tataru to get the hint. Of course, they weren't sure why they ended up sounding so much like Alphinaud there, either.

Days pass, or maybe weeks. Erdem isn't sure why the response seems to take so long, but there is so very much to occupy her in the meantime. Actually going back to Kholusia with Alphinaud, for one thing. It was almost easier to keep her mind off of all of it when she had to pose as a young artist's assistant. Eulmore was its own kind of awful distraction, one that Erdem kind of wished that she didn't have to endure. The particular brand of sickly opulence, the way that Eulmorans had completely shut themselves off from the rest of Norvrandt. She was grateful to go back to the Crystarium with Alphinaud to give their report, and even more grateful when the attendant at the Pendants said Erdem had a message.

Dearest Erdem:
I am so happy to hear from you - and even more so to hear of this strange development in the First. I don't think I ever expected to hear about Lady Iceheart again, but it is certainly still most welcome news. I remembered Estinien being somewhat close to her way back when, so I tried to contact him about it. I have yet to hear back from him, sadly. I will be sure to be in touch when I do.

— Tataru Taru

Erdem went to find Alphinaud as soon as she got the missive. If he was disappointed, he hid it very well.

"Well, at least they know, now don't they? All of them. I really was hoping that we'd get a more interesting response, but I suppose this venture should probably be sidelined, for now."

With everything else going on, he didn't have to say. Erdem had to make another visit, to Amh Araeng, anyways. To see Alisaie, and to witness something almost more tragic than what she'd witnessed at Eulmore.

Weeks pass, or they seem to. Erdem wasn't sure how time passed here on the First, with the unsettling light in the sky. Erdem doesn't have a good reason to visit the Wandering Stairs and bother her new friend Sile, but when she does have a chance, she gives her this stern look.

"Have you been talking about me, or something?" She gestures around the bar, as if to indicate every single person that Erdem might have been talking to. Her expression was stern.

Erdem laughs lightly, suddenly a little too aware of all of the attention on her. From everyone at the bar, the Dwarf deep in her cups, the Mystel brooding in the corner. Everyone somehow managed to have their attention on. People really had too much time on their hands, Erdem thought, especially if they had enough time to gossip instead of taking care of sin eaters or this city.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, miss…"

Sile pulls a face, imperceptibly. Erdem snorts.

"Everyone seems more interested in me than usual. Since the Exarch's countrymen have decided to give me so much attention."

"Well, whatever it is, I haven't said anything to anyone. Just ask her." She gestures at the dwarf beside her.

Giott was the name that Erdem had heard once or twice, actually— started out of her cups for one brief moment.

"— Sorry, what?"

"Have I said anything to you about Ms. Sile recently?"

"Oh." Giott cranes her neck up at the Elf, though it's hard to tell exactly what she's looking at. "No."

Erdem gives Sile a pointed glance, as if to say, See?

Sile turned back to her work. Erdem still couldn't quite believe that any incarnation of Ysayle would settle for this.

The call for the Crystarium Guard to mobilize toward Holminster Switch is the first time that Erdem truly understands how dire this situation is. Maybe it's better not to worry about bringing Sile and Estinien into some kind of correspondence. Right now. She has too much to do, too much to take care of, especially when it's related to seeing innocent people be consumed by sin eaters, to watching the lavender trees of Lakeland be consumed by fire and dust. But she could know that it was different, and be distracted by how different it was.

She had won the battle, somehow, though not alone. Holminster Switch had been defended but not saved. Alphinaud had looked at her questioningly once they were done, standing on the ground where they had defeated Philia.

"Shall we?"

Erdem frowns softly.

"Yes"

While the next letter she dictates to Feo Ul is a bit more directly addressed to Estinien, it is at least in theory addressed to Tataru.

"Miss Tataru,
While there is still no real evidence that Sile is actually Ysayle, I still think Estinien would be interested in keeping in touch. Could you please tell him to write back to me when you can? I understand that he can be evasive, but you'd still be better at finding him right now than me."

There is still no response, which is somewhat discouraging. But Erdem could not linger overmuch in the Crystarium, when so much more requires her attention.

She passed through Il Mheg and the Greatwood next. While she'd known about what had happened with Minfillia in theory, from other people, it was very different to meet this young Minfillia in the flesh. She was a little like the one that Erdem had known, but also wasn't quite like her, either.

Which was about how she felt about Sile, too.

This time, Estinien actually responds, one of the descriptions finally clearly resonating in some manner.

"Do you really think she could be Ysayle? Is that what you're trying to tell me?"

Erdem had thought long and hard on how to reply to that particular question.

"In a way. I could put you in touch."

Estinien does not reply to her, but Erdem decides that that is permission. Or— rather, maybe she shouldn't interpret that as permission. She sends one last letter, as her duties as the Warrior of Darkness pull her back toward Amh Araeng, to continue doing something that often felt a little contradictory. But things were upside down, and the world was out of balance.

"Estinien—

Although you have not replied, I would greatly appreciate a response before I propose this entire arrangement to this very beleaguered young woman who probably doesn't deserve this treatment at all.

"Erdem."

She would have to wait, then. She couldn't afford to wait for Estinien to return this second message, when there was still more work to be done.

Storge was defeated, and things felt like they were looking more positive. More and more of the First was starting to darken. It seemed to be rapidly reaching balance, and Erdem's confidence would help here.

Even more luckily, there was a response from Estinien when she came back from the Crystarium. It was the final piece that she needed before this could possibly work out.

This task would have been almost impossible before. She wouldn't have had the confidence to ask, especially with that awful first impression. At least now that she'd spent more time at the Wandering Stairs, Sile actually knew who she was— even if it wasn't as the Hero of the Crystarium. Maybe she was starting to know Erdem as a friend, instead.

She knew Erdem enough that she started pouring her drink before she had fully approached the bar.

"Congratulations, miss."

That made Erdem sputter slightly. "Sorry?" She'd been persuaded that Sile couldn't have really known about this, but also— probably, some people could probably put two and two together. Sharp-eyed people. Sile was not oblivious. Maybe Erdem had made a poor bet.

Sile just gestured up and around. "Everything always feels a little coincidental to me, if I am being totally honest. You leave the Crystarium once, and darkness returns here. You keep leaving, and more of Norvrandt seems to be clouded by darkness. It feels too obvious, given all of your associations." Sile frowns to herself.

"You were the one who restored darkness to Amh Araeng."

Erdem was silent, maybe more fitting of the stoic silent type that the Warrior of Light-- or Darkness— was made out to be. But Sile knew otherwise by this point.

"Yes?"

Sile just continued to glare. "Is there something wrong?"

"Ah, well, you see… I actually needed to ask you a favor. This might sound about as fantastical as anything else. But it's something about the land I'm from."

Sile continues to frown. It makes Erdem falter slightly, but she forces herself through it.

"I've— a friend, who was very curious after I told him about you. It's like— you reminded him of an old friend." It is even harder for her to articulate this properly than she thought. How was she supposed to explain this, really? The idea of shards, when Erdem also had things to do still? What if Sile has other questions?"

"He's interested?"

"Yes! I promise it's nothing untoward. He's a good man. And I am honestly shocked that he expressed any interest at all. He's usually not that kind of person, you see…"

"I really can't afford to leave the Crystarium currently." She frowns a tiny bit.

"Oh— that's fine. It's really just a matter of me passing letters along, you don't have to go anywhere. Is that amenable?"

Erdem smiled, then, something clearly a little bit fake about it. She was nervous about Sile figuring out about the whole thing at once.

Sile just blinks, apparently oblivious. "Yes, it's fine."

The first letter that Erdem brings to Sile is fairly simple. Erdem had considered reading it to vet it, to make sure that Estinien had not said something absurd or embarrassing. But eventually, she decided that it would be better to just let this whole thing run its course. If Estinien wished to make an idiot of himself in the process, then so be it.

He had handed her the sealed parchment with a furtive expression, one that Erdem had never really seen before. She wondered if it was something of a change that haddi been wrought over the last while. Although when she thought about it, it couldn't be so much the passage of time, since time passed faster, there.

"Don't look at this."

Erden just blinked as she departed.

Dear Sile,

Erdem has told me that you resemble an old friend of ours, in an uncanny way. If you really are that friend, then you are someone that died a hero, and that I didn't take the time to recognize. I don't really know how this works, but I don't think you're actually Ysayle. From what Erdem has told me, there can't be someone like me there since I have yet to enter the Lifestream, but maybe you have met some Elezen like me.

Please reply.

Sile looked up at Erdem then, that familiar and slightly angry expression present on her face yet again.

"What's an Elezen? … Or the Lifestream?"

Erdem had to suppress something of a laugh. "Oh— an elf. I forgot to tell him… the races have different names, in our country."

"Odd. Is he always like this?" Sile holds out the letter for Erdem to read. Erdem giggles softly, and takes it, forgetting that Estinien had technically asked her not to peek. The contents make her laugh a little more.

"Yes. Yes he is. But it sounded like he wanted a response of some kind, so will you give him one?"

Erdem nodded, smiling.

"Tell him that I'd like to see a picture of him before I tell him anything else." Sile looks a little confused, even, as she says that. "I am really not used to such things."

That just makes Erdem laugh even more, thinking about the woman she used to be, about the fact that Lady Iceheart was now a barmaid. She'd actually neglected to tell Estinien that particular fact. She wondered who Estinien was actually visualizing her to be, really.

"Absolutely."

Estinien seemed cross when he heard the news— though mostly that she wanted a portrait from him.

"Do those things even travel with you?"

Erdem shrugged vaguely. "As long as they're on my person— it's not like you're seeing me lose my clothes all the time, no?"

Estinien just chewed his lip, and narrowed his eyes. "I'll see what I can procure. Don't run off now."

Erdem was more than happy to spend a day in Ishgard in the meantime. She was still rather shocked that Estinien had been willing to meet her here in town. Or that he was willing to entertain this at all.

She was especially surprised when he came back promptly, and didn't make her wait all day.

"Hopefully this is enough to satisfy— a smaller version of a portrait I had taken some time ago. When I first joined the dragoons."

She glances down— It's weirdly informal, but then again Estinien was always a little informal in how he carried himself and presented himself. At least his hair was tied back in this one— although in some ways that was a disappointment. She couldn't remember if she had ever seen Estinien without his helmet on in Ysayle's presense.

"Technically a portrait with your helm on would suit a little more, wouldn't it?" Her eyes sparkle a little bit up at Estinien. He doesn't seem to fully pick up on the jest.

"She asked for my picture."

When she makes it back to the Wandering Stairs and hands over the small portrait, Sile squints. Erdem tilts her head, somewhat puzzled and all.

"What is it?"

"He's not how I imagined from how he wrote that letter."

"Really?" Erdem blinks. She hadn't read the letters, but she did know Estinien, and couldn't imagine him writing much different.

"Yes, he looks much more refined."

Erdem blinks, laughs, and reaches out— "Show me again."

She obliges, and Erdem snorts. Estinien, to her, looks just as cross and sour as ever, but if she had to guess, it might be because his hair is tied back in this particular one.

"Do you really think so, Sile?"

She frowns. "Yes."

"I think he wanted a picture back."

This invites another blink, as she smoothes back her hair and even a very slight flush forms on her cheeks. Something that felt a little out of character for Ysayle, maybe, but this was not really Ysayle, at least not literally. This was Sile, no matter how familiar she felt.

She glances away. "You'll have to wait until tomorrow, at the very earliest. Since I am working, and all."

Erdem's eyes only twinkle, and she nods. "That's fine. I should still be here tomorrow."

That turned out to be true, although only narrowly. She got another summons when she awoke, but thankfully she managed to make it to Feo Ul, to ask them to send the message along to Estinien. They smile, knowingly, and for a while Erdem gets to just forget about all of this altogether.

After a while, this matchmaking ended up taking the backseat. When she returned to the Crystarium, she could only cast guilt filled glances at the Wandering Stairs, desperately wanting to avoid her obligations. She had to hope for the best.

This correspondence had lasted longer than Erdem ever could have hoped for, really. She was still a little shocked that it had gone well at all, what with how Estinien was not known to be the most delicate with his wording and because they had still never interacted face to face. Their missives had actually continued occasionally throughout the final days, and Estinien's notes became shorter, and shorter.

Sile only scoffed at Erdem during the last one. "Aren't you also supposed to be fighting these beasts and whatnot?"

Erdem thought about mentioning the literal dragon they had been fighting again, but then again she hadn't known Hraesvelgr. "I can sneak away if I really need to." She laughs lightly. The other does not laugh with her.

Erdem manages one final letter, when she leaves to find Elidibus in the Crystal Tower, when things are about to break down so utterly, completely. Even Sile can notice.

"You seem more occupied than usual."

Erdem glances up, at the clear sky above them, but not clear like how it had been before the darkness had returned to Norvrandt. Nothing like the furious red skies of the Source right now, in some other universe. It takes another moment for her to think of anything to say to Sile, to this improbable woman that she was now acting like a courier for.

"I have to leave again soon. I can take a letter, but it might be a little longer than usual for you to get a response from him."

Sile looks down at Erdem. "I'm sure I can wait. Sometimes you take months."

That prompts Erdem to frown, very slightly, tilt her head.

"Longer than that, then."

Sile gives her another letter, asking her not to open it or read it. Erdem complies this time.

Erdem holds onto this last letter as long as she is in Elpis. She checks it anxiously, and when Hades alters her size so that she's as large as the ancients, she almost wants to open it.

She brings it out and feels it, her thumbs moving over it carefully. Like somehow the parchment could disappear while traveling through even more worlds than usual. Through more— time, than usual.

It only prompts a question once, from Venat. Everyone else must have been dismissing it as some odd familiar tic.

"Is that important to you?" Venat smiled, in that strangely familiar way. Erdem, knowing that she should be careful with what she says here, chews on her lip and ends up putting the paper away. This was not important. Not right now.

"It's something I'm carrying for a friend. It's not important right now."

There is a very slight thread of disappointment in Venat's expression at that.

"I see."

If nothing else, Erdem is relieved to leave Elpis with her memory intact. For the obvious reason that she still had a star to save, and that it would have been rather difficult to do much of anything if she hadn't been able to remember Meteion or Hermes. Now that she had returned, however, she could give this hopefully still intact piece of paper to Estinien.

She found him in Radz-at-Han, looking a little more harried than the last time.

"I wanted you to have this before we headed off to Ultima Thule. It's from Sile."

Estinien raised an eyebrow.

"It's from before I— you know." She gesticulated slightly. "Better late than never, yes? Tell me if anything funny happened to it."

"I've no idea why that would be—" he said, pulling it open, and then barking a laugh.

"She didn't always write so small, did she?" He shows her the paper— the words are almost illegible. A strange byproduct of the growing, she had to suppose, but she couldn't believe that the worst had actually come to pass in this case.

"Well, I can't go back right now…"

Estinien gave her a smile, although on his face such things were always somehow not very reassuring.

"No point right now. We have to finish this first."

Sile was momentarily forgotten in the wake of everything. In the wake of everything to happen in Ultima Thule— and in the Aitiascope, too. That last fight against Amon had been a narrow, sweaty victory, and Erdem was thankful that they managed to escape just fine.

She was grateful for it to all be over, for the world to be at peace once again. She felt like she was experiencing it, too.

She was most especially grateful that Estinien had not truly died, or else she didn't think she could know the end of things. Estinien was her friend— that was enough really. But more than Estinien just being her friend, she felt like she had to tell someone else about his whereabouts— and that person was Sile, now.

It didn't feel fully real, until the Scions of the Seventh Dawn were officially about to disband. It was only after Tataru made her little speech, beaming, and she saw Estinien leave the Rising Stones, that her brain fully caught up with her.

"— Wait!"

Estinien stopped in his tracks, although he only turned around halfway.

"What is it?"

"It's— you never actually got her reply, did you?"

Estinien just gives her a funny little look, like she is being ridiculous.

"Aye, that was your fault."

Erdem's mouth opened and closed, trying her best to not sound too indignant.

"I don't think I can give her a response until I know what she meant to write to me the first time. You know where to find me."

He shrugs, before walking off yet again.

Erdem's a little shocked, honestly. She knows that she won't know where to find Estinien easily. Even if he was easy to spot due to his tall stature and bright hair, he was still hard to find when he wanted to be.

She has to go back to the First before anything else. Sile is still standing there, as usual, at the bar at the Wandering Stairs. Erdem still has a hard time believing that she'd ended up like this, but at the same time, maybe this was what Sile deserved? A quiet existence.

She hadn't looked up before Erdem started speaking.

"Sile, have you ever thought of being something besides a barmaid? It doesn't suit you."

Those golden eyes seemed to pierce straight through her. For a moment, Erdem wondered if this might be some kind of overstep on her part, like she'd fooled herself into thinking that they were friends now of some kind. She's about to retract, about to say to never mind that comment.

"Not precisely."

"Not precisely?"

There was maybe a trace of a smile in Sile's expression. "Well, you see, I was born in the Crystarium, but I could never quite settle for being stuck here." At this, her gaze shifted upwards, and out toward Lakeland.

"I left the Crystarium at fourteen summers. It was unwise, certainly, but—" Her eyes snapped down. "There is not much that is friendly to meet in Lakeland. Especially not for a young woman like me. That was many summers ago, now. Maybe 12? It's hard to recall now. But when I left the Crystarium, I think I had it in my mind that I would find a sympathetic sin eater, or something of the sort. Admittedly sort of a lofty ideal."

Her eyes cast down, then.

"I had thought that I had found one, a small, friendly looking one— you might even find it cute, if you had seen it. I told myself that it was harmless, anyways, so I decided to bring it home with me." She pauses. "As you can imagine, that did not go well."

Erdem could only stay silent, thinking of the peculiar similarities between this story and another. Even if it was entirely different, spoke of different prejudices.

"Sin eaters all have the same nature. They don't really— have thoughts, not fully, anyways. It was a calamity, albeit on a very small scale. Thankfully, the Exarch found some way to prevent it from spreading more— and took pity on me. My parents could not quite look me in the eye, but…" She chews on her lip. "I was very fortunate."

Erdem remains silent for a moment. "That's a remarkable story." She doesn't mention the similarities, especially since there were still so many differences. But now, there was no doubt. Even if this was not Lady Iceheart, this was still some form of Ysayle.

"I have some bad news. I lost your last letter. Rather long story, but you're going to have to write something to Ser Estinien again."

Sile frowns. "Oh, it'll be different. It's been a long time."

Erdem smiles then. "Right, yes, I know. It's not like he'd know, though."

"You'll have to have a drink while you wait for me to compose it. I won't charge."

Erdem couldn't be bothered to point out that Sile had not charged her for a drink in some time now.

She left the First this time with a piece of parchment fully intact. She had assumed that she'd be able to find Estinien in Radz-at-Han. Thankfully, her guess had been correct, although it had been more of a challenge to find him in the throngs of customers in the Balshan Bazaar.

He seemed to be absorbed in some map. So absorbed, in fact, that when Erdem approaches him he actually seems surprised to see her there.

"You." It's still said with some of the same gravelly disdain that she'd heard when the Dragonsong War had still been raging.

"I got your letter from Sile."

His eyebrows furrowed. "Aye, the one that got all unreadable the last time? Let's see."

He takes it suddenly, the paper crumpling slightly in his hand. Erdem could only assume that he was eager to read it— she couldn't really blame him.

He reads it through once, then again. Erdem almost wants to bother him to give her an answer about it all, but before she can— he interrupts.

"I think I'd like to meet her."

Erdem can practically feel her eyebrows fly off her face. Maybe this was what she'd expected to happen eventually, but it was still all a little shocking to her. That Estinien, of all people, would want this.

"That won't be so easy, you know?"

"You got G'raha here, didn't you?"

For a little while, anyways, Erdem wasn't entirely sure what to do. G'raha wasn't the Exarch anymore, but she also didn't want to dither any longer than she had to on this. Even if it felt a little morbid, she still knew where she'd find G'raha Tia. There was only one place he seemed to be found these days.

In one particular spot at the Noumenon. The head mammet in the library nodded toward her, unsettling and semi soulless as always. The shelves bore down on her. Erdem always thought it was strange how this place never felt fully musty to her. Musty, stuffy— everything here was old, but somehow so well preserved that nothing felt dusty at the same time. Maybe it was like how Sharlayan felt overall. Preserved in time, like nothing had changed in years.

She saw the flick of G'raha's red tail before she saw the rest of him. He wasn't asleep, but Erdem was always a little hesitant about disturbing him.

She whispers her next words, seeing the man she was looking for absorbed in looking for something himself. She didn't to garner the ire of the staff here. Not everyone knew the entirety of Erdem's identity. Even if the staff here did, she knew that they wouldn't give her any leeway at all. "G'raha."

Ears prick, and the tail flicks even more. "—Oh! Erdem, I wasn't expecting you?" G'raha almost loses his own balance, and Erdem's own tail flicks out a little, like she's preparing to catch him with it.

G'raha at least manages to catch his balance before she can test that. Erdem manages to only smile barely.

"You didn't?"

"I assumed you were busy with… something? Aren't you?"

"I've been enjoying my time off, honestly." She says it drily, and it's not like it's a true, full lie, but it still felt dishonest. Was she lying, though? In a way, this particular task was easier, more enjoyable. She would rather play matchmaker across worlds, in some ways, than try to save any. And she certainly deserved it.

G'raha watched her with interest, saying nothing for a moment. "Should we speak somewhere else then?"

Erdem craned her neck, at the handful of patrons that seemed interested in what she was chatting to G'raha about.

"Ah! Yes, we should."

Even if this wasn't exactly a Scions of the Seventh Dawn arrangement, it was better if there was nothing that could be assumed or guessed at. Especially if it involved things like inter-dimensional travel.

They end up in the main hall of the annex, to assure for actual privacy. She kind of liked the idea of the gazebo, just because it was comfortable, and a much nicer view. But the main hall was fine as well, and just as familiar.

"So, what was it you wanted to talk about, Erdem?" The familiar pricks of his ears again, the lash of his tail showed Erdem that G'raha was back to old habits. "Paying too much attention to the Warrior of Light", habits. It was endearing, sometimes. Most of the time. Right now, it was a tiny bit distracting, though, so she had to blink.

"Well, G'raha… do you remember Sile? I know I told you about her when we were still both on the First. The young woman who was basically Ysayle reborn?"

G'raha nods slightly. "Ah, yes, of course I do. Have you met with her recently?"

"Yes, actually." She trails off, for a moment not sure how to continue.

G'raha still sat there at the table, apparently contemplating the lack of food there.

"Is she well?"

Erdem breathed in through her nose. "Yes. She's expressed interest in coming to Eorzea."

G'raha seemed surprised. "You— you'd like to have her come here?"

Erdem nods, and her expression stays serious. "Well, yes, I would like her to. Estinien would also, actually. I don't think any of these things could be true otherwise.

"Estinien? I had no idea he was so fond of Ysayle. He's never spoken of her to me."

Erdem only blinked at that. "It was a while ago… they made something of a pact while they were looking to Hraesvelgr, or something. I was with them for most of that time… it's a long time ago, now."

G'raha's expression turns into a somewhat troubled frown. "Do you miss her as well?"

Something flickers across Erdem's expression, a too complicated expression for the stony faced Warrior of Light. "I do, yes."

"Does she want to come here? Completely and utterly? I'll admit, I would prefer to ask her this myself, but I can't."

"Should I go ask her again? Just to confirm before you can help."

G'raha stays sitting for a moment, contemplating, before glancing back up.

"Yes, but we're going to the Last Stand first."

Stomach full of Archon burger and heart full from conversation with G'raha, Erdem returns to the Syrcus Trench. It feels too familiar now, not that Erdem can really complain. She missed the First sometimes when she wasn't there, and often missed the Source when she was on the First. So really, it was just a matter of— she missed both, in approximately equal measure. Norvrandt was not her home, though.

Arguably Eorzea was not either, but at least the traveling was easier.

Arriving back in the Crystarium meant that it was easy to find Sile again— or so she thought.

Though she was sometimes not sure of the time, she was pretty sure that Sile should be working right now. She paused, approaching the young man at the counter of the Wandering Stairs.

"Ah— excuse me—"

He interrupted, a light tone in his voice. "You must be Erdem, right? Sile's friend? I'm afraid you just missed her— she wasn't feeling very well, so she said she needed to leave a little early. Do you need to know where her room is?"

Erdem blinked, suddenly realizing that even though she'd known Sile for some time, she only really knew her in the context of this counter.

"Ah— yes, I guess I do."

The directions had been clear enough, and Erdem found herself in front of Sile's rooms in a timely fashion. There seemed to be a light in the window, so instead of overthinking too much, Erdem chose to just knock.

Sile opened the door, face a little flushed.

"Ah— Erdem. It's been a while? Are you doing well?"

Erdem blinked, watching Sile's face. "I've heard that you're sick?"

Sile laughs. "Only a little, no need to worry. You should come in."

She opens the door wider, allowing Erdem to enter.

Sile's room was sparse, which is exactly what Erdem had been expecting from this stern lady. She didn't seem to keep any particularly sentimental items, and it didn't seem like very hospitable to guests. While tempting, she knew it was better to not ask.

"So— I wanted to ask you, Sile. I actually spoke to the Exarch recently. I'm sure you remember him. He actually brought the rest of my companions home. He also brought himself home, and I suppose he's not truly the Exarch anymore. " She was faltering again. She presses her nails into her thighs.

Sile tilts her head, her often hard gaze a little curious. "Yes?"

"I asked if he could bring you too."

Sile went from standing to sitting, then, with some grace. She didn't seem shocked by this declaration.

Erdem leans forward. "Did you want to? I thought you might want to, but I wasn't entirely sure."

Ysayle— Sile— although Erdem almost thought she was looking at Ysayle herself, for a moment, stood very still.

"Do you mean because of him?"

Erdem laughs softly at that. "Do you want it to be because of him, Sile? Do you want to actually meet Estinien?" He really does want to see you, she doesn't say, partially because she is still a little terrified that Estinien will realize that Sile is not a perfect imitation of Ysayle. The same person, but not in all ways. She wasn't sure how to temper this expectation with Estinien. She wasn't sure how to temper these expectations with herself, sometimes. But she still found herself somewhat happy about it.

Sile looked as strict as ever. "I do, yes."

"Why?"

Sile looked at her, silent for what felt like too long of a moment. "It feels as though he's some … missing piece in my story."

"And you know that your soul may be lost forever if we do this?"

Sile closes her eyes. "I do, yes."

"Then I'll make the preparations. Should I call on you here, in your room?"

"Yes. I'm sure the barkeep will help you with food if you'd like, or you can just go to the Mean."

Erdem smiles, and leaves.

This part, the terrifying part, is somehow a little easier. G'raha looks a tiny bit surprised, trying to remind Erdem that there was no way back once Sile came here. No matter what happened between her and Estinien, they were stuck.

"I tried to express the risks."

G'raha smiles a little winsomely. "I'm sure you did a very good job, with that mostly straightforward attitude of yours."

Erdem covers her mouth then. "Only mostly?"

"Only mostly. Sometimes you still …" His ears prick.

"Sometimes I what?"

"Stand your ground."

Erdem stands there, gaping a bit. G'raha looks a bit happy to have gotten the Warrior of Light to get struck silent. Any irony in this fact could get left to the side for now.

The preparations did not take very long. By now, some semblance of this act had been done multiple times, and there was still enough of a trace of Ysayle in Eorzea that this shouldn't be an issue. At least Erdem prayed that this would be enough for things to go smoothly.

She meets Sile in her room the day after her conversation with G'raha. The room is silent— terrifyingly silent, and they sit across from each other in an awkward manner that makes it feel like they had known each other for days instead of what felt like months.

How long had it been, exactly? Erdem couldn't say, between the strange way that time passed in Norvrandt, and also just the amount that had happened since she'd met Erdem the first time.

"Sile, what do you think has changed since we met?"

The silence stretches between him. "Well," Sile starts, considering her words carefully. "Besides the obvious, you mean?"

She gestures to the small window, the twinkling evening of the Crystarium beyond. Erdem smiles at the stars, wondering how she could have ever taken such things for granted.

"Well, that's something I take for granted, personally, so it may not be as obvious as you think it is, Miss Sile."

At one point, she might have expected something of a dour look from Sile, here, but she got no such thing. "I'm curious as to what the sky looks like in Eorzea," her mouth still shapes the word strangely, "even if you swear it's the same."

Erdem smiles wanly at Sile, at the way she always spoke. She had never thought of Eorzea being worth romanticizing, but some people probably romanticized Norvrandt too. Not that she generally explained Norvrandt as a Shard, but rather as a very faraway land. When they asked her how to get there, she always made up some absurd story, which both served to further people's romantic notions of it, but also made them wonder if it existed at all.

Plenty of people knew at this point, at least that the Shards existed. But maybe not so much the particulars, especially of the once Light bound lands of Norvrandt and the First.

"If it helps, there's quite a lot of Etheirys that's not just Eorzea. I just thought it might be better if that's the first thing you concern yourself with, especially since that's where Estinien is." Here, she laughs. "At least, I hope so. I hope he'll at least stay still a tiny bit, for your sake."

Sile's expression changes, a little less stoic than Erdem has come to expect from her. "Did you think he wouldn't?" She sounds genuinely a little nervous, and Erdem quickly moves to assuage her concerns.

"Oh. No. I promise that he will."

After that, it was quick work to get things settled for Sile in the First. Soon enough, her soul would be transported across the aether, and would then be used to re-adhere to a simulacrum of sorts in the Source. Erdem had actually asked at first if there was some way to get Ysayle's body involved— which involved some amount of consternation on G'raha's part. "My— this isn't really meant to be necromancy, Erdem. Besides, didn't you say she looked just a touch different from Ysayle. Do you have an extra copy of that picture?"

She nodded, handing it over. "Could you give me her height?"

Erdem had no issue giving G'raha an approximation of Sile's height, but it took a bit longer to get some of the other identifying physical information.

Erdem still thought this was quite a lot for a man that one barely knew, but Sile had looked so serious every single time they spoke of Estinien. All of that, just for Estinien. It felt strange to her, but she couldn't say anything. Maybe she was just too resigned to being aloof, a wanderer, not able to settle down.

The body was ready, created by the alchemists in Thavnair, and they insisted on covering it.

"It's not good for you to see it," Nidhana'd said with that slight lilt, that made even her concern sound softer and lighter than it should. "It's unsettling before it's living."

Erdem nods along, thinking that she'd probably seen far worse things in her life than this. Considering sin eaters, and also the terminus beasts. But she didn't want to push things too far or insist. She didn't want to- she didn't know what she wanted to do, in some respects. She was thinking about this new friend who was a lot like Ysayle but also not a perfect carbon copy. She wondered why they hadn't just used a portrait of Ysayle again to aid in the creation of the simulacrum. It was probably better if she wasn't exactly like her. That didn't do Sile, or Estinien, any favors. This was not actually Ysayle that was going to be in front of Estinien. He had to be used to it sooner rather than later. Or else— none of this was going to work out.

One part of this had been easy— the soul crystal was something that Sile had not hesitated to give up at this point, and the only disconcerting part had been to leave her with the Nu Mou. She didn't actually ask what happened to those bodies— to her friends. Was this exactly the same sort of thing that had happened to her friends when they returned to Eorzea from Norvrandt?

She couldn't think about this too hard.

Sile had given her a vaguely reassuring smile right before.

"This will work, yes?"

"Yes. Well, you'll have to trust— the Crystal Exarch, I think. And me. But I don't know much about these kinds of things…"

Sile only blinked at her, owlishly, even. "Well you seem to know something. More than something. You've watched other people do it, didn't you?" Her two golden eyes fixed on Erdem, making the other flush slightly in embarrassment.

"Well, yes, but I ended up being a little unusual…" She simpered slightly, unsure of how to go on. "I mostly just meant the alchemy involved. That was never really my forte."

Sile gives Erdem a stern look. "I see."

"The Exarch too. Everyone involved is incredibly trustworthy, and I have no reason to believe anything will go wrong here." She could feel herself get a little bit tongue tied— uncharacteristic for who she knew she was supposed to be.

A hand reaches over. "You're worrying a little too much."

"I think I'm more worried that he'll disappoint you." Even as she says it, it's hard to tell if she's joking or not.

Sile seems to understand it as a joke— good for Erdem, probably. "I don't think he will. Do you worry about him being disappointed in me?"

Erdem smiles. "No. Let's get ready."

She had spent so much time worrying, making a fool of herself in front of every alchemist she could speak to— and nothing bad had happened. The alchemists had insisted that Sile would not be harmed, and they had been right.

For the woman was about as close to Sile as Erdem could remember, considering what they had to work with. This made Erdem smile, if only because she finally felt like she'd done something that felt far more meaningful than just save the world. That wasn't it.

But this was different, accomplishing something between two different people felt so different from doing things on a much larger scale. And this was still on some kind of massive scale, what with the fact that she'd managed to bring someone's — soul, aether, from one place to another. Of course, this was a one way street, as far as she knew.

She had been staring for so long that the woman in front of her changed expression— thankfully familiar to her. Familiar to other people, too, possibly.

"Is there something on my face?"

"No— no, nothing at all. Your face is perfect, miss."

She'd warned Sile that no matter how many times Erdem had mentioned it, people might call her by the wrong name, at least at first. "You'll have to be very firm, I think. Is that alright?"

Sile only scowled. "Yes, Erdem. It will be fine."

Erdem beamed, taking Sile outside of the room.

Estinien had been waiting just outside, as it had turned out. His hair tied up, like Erdem was used to seeing now. If she was looking closely, she might notice a few nicks in his face, like he'd recently shaved and not quite fixed everything up. He looks up at the motion— seemingly taken aback.

"Ysayle—"

Sile frowned, apparently getting ready to scold the other man. "—Ser Estinien Varlineau. Correct?"

There's vulnerability in her voice, that Erdem can't remember hearing before.

Estinien blinks.

"I am not literally the woman you know. But …"

"But?"

"But I've grown to think I know who you are, ser. And I've become so interested…" Her voice trails off, still a little rough, from the journey or whichever. She couldn't remember that happening otherwise, but this was altogether a different situation. She had to admit that much.

"Become so interested?" Estinien's gruff voice cut through, and Erdem almost winced at the blunt nature of his response. Really, Estinien. Why did you have to behave this way on your first actual meeting?

"I've become interested in you, even though you know more about me than I know about you, I believe…" Again, her lips begin to worry together, nervous, in a youthful way that Erdem had a hard time imagining Sile or Ysayle doing. Like a normal young girl, and not the kinds of women that either Ysayle or Sile had been forced to become. Or Erdem, for that matter.

Estinien, the idiot that he was, only gaped. "Well, I knew about Ysayle, but she—" He gestures to Erdem, then. "She said you weren't exactly her, so it tempered my expectations."

This was about as sentimental as Estinien could get. The absolute bare minimum of shown feeling— and that was both thrilling and embarrassing. But it could be worse, and Erdem knew, absolutely, that Estinien had been looking forward to this too. Maybe she hadn't quite understood how important this was to him. He had always been a little hard to read, after all.

Estinien forces a smile at Sile. "Shall we go to the meyhane? I don't think there's food like this where you're from." It's clear to Erdem that he's still processing things a little.

"What kind of food is it?"

Estinien grunts, "Spicy."

"I suppose it's worth a try."

Erdem feels relieved as they walk off, and grateful that it doesn't seem like she needs to supervise anymore.

Sometimes, Erdem wondered how they had all gotten there. How Erdem had seen Sile that first day and knew, somehow, that Sile was Ysayle. And that somehow, Tataru knew that Estinien would care that Ysayle was still alive in any context. While Erdem had been surprised that Estinien was so interested at the start, it had started to make more and more sense over time. It especially made sense observing the two of them now.

Well, since that day in Radz-at-Han. Back then, Erdem had been a little desperate to feel like she wasn't supervising the two of them. She had gotten on the first airship back to Gridania, grateful that all of this was somehow over. That somehow she had succeeded in this impossible thing, on top of all of the other impossible things she'd done under the name of being the Warrior of Light.

She had sort of wondered what they had spoken about, the first time they had met in person. It didn't take very long for her to find out.

Sile had come to find her in Gridania. In fact, she'd just purchased a pint from the Canopy, which she was now drinking without much decorum. Although she'd started in this very city, in this very tavern, arguably— most people didn't know who she was specifically. Maybe as an adventurer, at best. Erdem liked it that way.

Sile had sat down across from her at a table before Erdem actually noticed her.

"Is the beer as good here, as it is in Norvrandt?"

Erdem starts. "Sile— err— it's not much different, would you like some? Are you feeling at all nostalgic for your time as a barmaid—? Actually, what have you been doing?"

Sile gives her a look, like she should know, like she should probably be able to guess to some extent, just what she'd been doing.

"I've been getting acquainted with Ser Estinien, of course. He's not… quite what I imagined."

Erdem blinked rapidly, preparing to at least assure Sile about whatever strange behavior that Estinien exhibited. Not that she actually thought that Estinien was all that strange, but he was an acquired taste in some cases, especially when all of it wasn't through an epistolary filter.

"Oh— is he not? Well, Sile, it's only been a few weeks so I'm sure that you'll end up being just fine—"

"Oh, no. he's actually far more charming than I thought he would be?" There's an uncharacteristic glint of mischief in her eye. "Not the best conversationalist, but he seemed very… invested, in learning about Dame Ysayle. And making up for lost time."

"Oh." Erdem blinks. "Was that what you wanted? Do you think you've found what you were looking for?"

Sile smiles, just a little. "I think so. But I think I'd like to know more about the places Ysayle had been, and the others she'd known. Not just Ser Estinien."

"Not just Estinien?"

"Not just him, no. But I thought he'd make a worthy guide, if he's willing."

Erdem smiles back. "I'm sure he will be."