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The day had been uneventful so far, and Rei was intent on keeping it that way. The plan? Get back to the apartment, needle Kazuki into making him lunch, and then video games on the couch with Miri, where he would inevitably let her win.
With arms weighed down by groceries, Rei stepped into the elevator and pushed the button to his floor. A little ding sounded as the doors closed and again at the top as the doors opened, and he was just about to step out when he heard an odd snuffling sound. The hair on the back of his neck stood up and he leaned his head outside of the elevator to investigate.
He was about to sacrifice the groceries to the floor in order to reach his gun, but when he saw what was making the snuffling sound he froze. A black and brown muzzle was sniffing around, just to the left of the elevator doors, and attached to it was the rest of his his neighbor’s massive Doberman, no owner in sight. Clearly she had gotten out without them noticing, because as far as he could tell, nobody was making an effort to contain the beast.
Ice poured down his back, a feeling he hadn’t felt since the time Miri had caught a fever on his watch. The all consuming fear wiped his brain clean of anything logical. The dog, according to Miri, was very nice and liked to be scratched behind the ears, but all Rei saw was glinting, snarling teeth and wide, crazed eyes, ready to take a bite. In reality the dog had not even noticed him, but it didn’t matter. She would kill him, and he had to run.
This was not a fight to be won with a gun. No, his best chance to save himself and the groceries was to slip out and make a break for it before she saw him. Luckily his apartment was to the right of the elevator so he wouldn’t have to go around— shit .
In his fear he had hesitated, and it had cost him precious seconds to escape. She looked up at him, ears perked and stumpy tail wiggling back and forth, but all he saw was a monster ready to attack. She blocked the door to the elevator, putting herself in the doorway so the doors couldn’t close and Rei couldn’t leave.
He wanted to back himself into the corner, put as much distance between him and the dog as he could, but his instructor’s voice echoed in his ears: “Get yourself backed into a corner and you better kiss your ass goodbye because you’re as good as dead.” If anyone from his past life saw him now, they’d say he deserved to die by this creature. The cowardice, the blatant fear he felt was a disgrace to his training, but he couldn’t help it.
She stepped closer and he let out a short, shaky puff of air. He had been holding his breath, but there was no point now. She had him in her sights. He worked up some courage and in the sternest voice he could muster said, “ Git, go on, get out .” She backed up but clearly wasn’t going to leave him alone. Taking in a deep breath and getting a better grip on the groceries, he made a run for it.
Terrifying as it was for Rei, it clearly was fun for the dog, and she bounded after him, barking loudly. Her front claws caught on the back of his thigh as she jumped and he thought his heart was about to explode out of his chest as he let out desperate, wheezing breaths.
Pathetic. A Suwa does not run, does not hesitate, does not fear. A Suwa is not prey. His father’s words chased him like the dog on his heels, and he disobeyed them all. He was running, he had hesitated, and above all he was afraid. And worse? He was afraid of a dog. A stupid, slobbering creature that his own daughter could easily command.
As he ran he dug his keys out from his pocket, dropping groceries out of the bags as he went, but he didn’t care. He scrambled at the door, shaking hands missing the lock over and over again. The dog had him cornered at his own doorway, which was sunk slightly into the wall, creating a little space where he was now trapped yet again, between the wall and the beast. She nosed at the bags of groceries and sniffed around him as he tried and failed to get into the apartment. At one point she jumped up onto him, putting her front paws on his grocery laden arms and bringing her face to eye level with his, and that was the moment any last shred of dignity left his body.
Breathlessly he pounded at the door, yelling for his partner to let him in. “Kazu–Kazuki! Kazuki let me in, open the door! Kazuki! ” His breath was wheezing out of his lungs as he kicked and pounded at the door. At all the excitement the dog clawed further, knocking the groceries out of his arms so there was nothing left to protect him. Scratches on his arms burned and he was slowly losing his sanity as she pinned him against the door frame, teeth and tongue getting dangerously close to his face in her attempt to lick him. If Kazuki didn’t open the door he was going to give up, just let her eat him. It would be better than this long suffering.
Just as he felt the blood about to leave his head the door swung open and the barrel of a gun, followed by Kazuki’s worried face appeared. Rei scrambled out from under the dog and under Kazuki’s arms, barreling into the apartment practically on all fours in his desperate attempt to escape. He dragged Kazuki with him, arm around the waist, and whipped around to slam the door in the dog’s face, groceries be damned.
A shocked silence followed. Kazuki with his gun still raised, Rei hunched over, still clinging to Kazuki’s waist as he shook and tried to collect his breathing. The ache of his lungs and the thundering of his heart told him it wasn’t working.
All he knew were memories of teeth and pain and fear, permanent marks left on his body as punishment and a feeling of grief for the life he had taken. Pain and fear, that’s all dogs were to him. Nothing about them was cuddly or cute like his family would have him believe.
There were hands on his shoulders, and he reared his head back, eyes wide as he came back to himself momentarily. The fear in Kazuki’s face, and Rei could imagine him asking something like, “What’s going on? What happened?” or maybe “Where are the groceries?”, but his head felt like it was underwater, and he wasn’t completely there to hear Kazuki anyway. A firm hand turned his head and eyes locked onto his as his partner’s voice broke through his haze.
“ Rei! Rei I need an answer! Who’s out there? Who is it Rei?”
He couldn’t answer.
“Rei please answer me. Is Miri in danger? Do we need to get out? Come on Rei!” Kazuki shook him, desperate for an answer. All Rei could do was shake his head. Miri wasn’t in danger, not really. He knew that. This was personal, this was a matter of his own weakness in the face of something stupid.
“Are you hurt?! Are you ok?!” Rei shook his head, conveniently answering no to both questions.
As confused as Kazuki likely was, he clearly must have decided that there was no imminent threat to their family. His arm swung down and tucked his gun away as he relaxed his death grip on Rei, and began gently guiding him away from the door. Rei obediently took step by step, leaning on his partner as they walked, unsure where they were going but trusting Kazuki nonetheless.
As they walked Kazuki called out, “Miri you’re safe, but stay in your room for a minute longer, ok?”
A little voice called back, “ Whyyy?! ”
“Because Papa Rei isn’t feeling well and I want to help him first, ok? Please stay in your room.”
“Okaayyy,” she called back, sounding disappointed.
They made it to the foot of the staircase and he was just about to take a step up when he heard a long scraaaatch scritch scratch and a high whining at the door. That was the last straw for Rei. Not only had that monster chased and attacked him outside his own home, it was waiting for him at the door. It was trying to get in , and that was too much. Rei’s knees buckled and he nearly took Kazuki down with him.
“ Rei! ” Kazuki cried in alarm.
His senses cleared and he was back on high alert, and as he recovered his steps he dragged a concerned Kazuki up the stairs and away from the scratching.
“Rei what’s the matter?! Rei–”
“The–the dog, Ka–Kazuki the dog–” Rei managed to get out. He couldn’t meet Kazuki’s eyes, sure that he’d find humor or disbelief at Rei’s ridiculous fear, but all he felt was a gentle hand guiding his trembling body towards the bathroom.
Kazuki sat him down on the edge of the bathtub and calmly assured him, “I’ll get rid of it, don’t worry. Wait here I’ll be right back, ok? I’ve got it.” And then he was gone.
Rei didn’t want to be alone, but he’d do anything to know the dog was gone. He found himself slowly lowering himself backwards into the tub, pressing his arms and legs against the cold, solid sides, and tried again to calm himself.
Rei’s voice said he’s fixing it, Kazuki is getting rid of it, I’m safe. But his father’s voice reminded him of his failure. Pathetic, a Suwa scared of a dog? Kazuki would be right to leave you, you don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve Miri, a child who has more courage than you.
In the midst of his spiral he failed to notice the little patter of feet on the bathroom tile. With his eyes screwed shut, he didn’t notice the other body in the room until he felt a thump and some haphazard scrambling over the edge of the tub. A weight landed on his legs and he opened his eyes to see Miri staring back with her big brown eyes.
“Papa? Are you ok?” Shit . His lip started to tremble as the adrenaline slowly faded from his body, leaving him too exhausted to keep it all in. He didn’t want her to see him like this, but he was not one to push his daughter away. That was something he’d decided a long time ago.
He didn’t answer her question, but shut his eyes as he fought back a wave of tears, eventually losing the battle to a single tear streaking down his face. He hated crying, and hated himself for it more, but ever since Miri, tears had been a more common occurrence in his life. Not because she caused his tears, but more due to Kazuki and Miri chipping away at the walls around his heart until one day they broke like a dam. That day had been terrible, full of guilt and relief, and not knowing what to do. Before that he hadn’t cried in years, but after he’d felt a little softening in his heart, and it was something he was trying to keep.
Miri, in her young age, probably didn’t understand how wrong this all was, and how hard it was for Rei to sit here and cry in front of someone. Afterall, she and Kazuki did it all the time.
“Papa, do you want a hug?” At this Rei let out a shuddering breath and nodded his head as another tear fell. She crawled towards him, sticking her bony little knees into his thigh and ribs, but he didn’t have the energy to care. She laid her little body on his chest and he wrapped his arms around her, breathing in the smell of the shampoo Kazuki had bought for her. He gave her a big squeeze, but relaxed after a minute, not wanting to hurt her. She giggled and he felt his heart clench with love for this little girl. He let her have his arm like a pillow, and then just laid there, trying to match her calm breathing and watching her trace little pictures and letters into the palm of his hand.
After a few minutes there were more footsteps in the hall and then Rei could hear Kazuki’s breath as he entered the room. He inhaled like he was about to say something, likely scolding Miri for leaving her room, but no words ever came. Miri was nearly asleep, and Rei was clinging to her for dear life, and Kazuki must have decided it wasn’t worth it.
Rei heard some shuffling but didn’t open his eyes until he felt a gentle touch to his hair. Kazuki was looking at him from the side of the tub, his eyes shining with his own tears as he touched Rei’s hair.
Kazuki took a breath and whispered, “I handled it, the dog’s gone. I was going to run the shower for you. Do you want me to turn it on, or we can just go lay down if you prefer? Either way I think you should just rest for a minute. We don’t have to talk about it right now.”
Rei didn’t want to rest, he wanted to pretend nothing had happened, but Kazuki was right, he needed to calm down all the way. There was no way anyone, including himself, was going to buy that he was fine. Either way, he was glad Kazuki wasn’t pushing the issue of what happened. Rei was too embarrassed to even think about explaining it right now.
“Lay down,” he said quietly, his voice gruff.
“Alright. Come on, I’ll grab Miri.” Rei moved to sit up, and supported Miri’s head as Kazuki scooped her—still fast asleep—into his arms. His body ached from the tension in his muscles and the hard bathtub that he once called his bed, but he pried himself up off the floor and followed them into Kazuki’s room. There his partner was waiting, one arm open to him, and despite himself, Rei melted into Kazuki and laid his head on his shoulder.
“You’re not breathing,” Kazuki said gently.
“Sorry.” And he inhaled slowly.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. Come on, lets just lay down for a bit, yeah?” Kazuki guided them to the bed. Turning back the covers and, laying Miri down on one side of the bed, he offered the middle spot to Rei. As much as he wanted it, he was scared. What if he fell asleep and had a nightmare, what if he lashed out in his sleep and hurt both of them? No, it was better if he was on the outside so that he could get off the bed if he needed.
“No I better– not the middle–” Kazuki seemed to understand, and scooted Miri closer to himself so that she could be in the middle instead. Rei tentatively laid down, still unable to relax fully.
“Here, give me your hand,” Kazuki whispered. He took Rei’s arm and put it across Miri and Kazuki did the same, like a big hug around her.
“Will you look at me please?” He didn’t want to, but Rei lifted his gaze from their arms to Kazuki’s face. “You have nothing to be ashamed of, you know that, right?” Rei did not in fact know that. “I do want to understand, but I won’t push it, ok? You can tell me when you’re ready, as long as you tell me. Alright?” Rei closed his eyes and nodded, glad for Kazuki but dreading the discussion. He drifted off to sleep, ready for unconsciousness to welcome him but scared of what awaited him when he got there.
***
“Kill it.”
“What?” Smack!
“You heard me. Suwas do not hesitate , now kill it . Quick and clean. Do not disappoint.” The man left, leaving his young son shaken.
His father’s imposing shadow melted away and Rei was left in the yard with a knife and one of their family’s guard dogs. His favorite dog. His father—no, boss—wanted him to kill this dog that he loved, a dog that trusted him. He had made the mistake of bonding with it, and this was his training—no, this was punishment. Afterall, Suwas do not fear , and to love is to fear.
He knew his father was watching somewhere, and so he picked up the knife and held back his tears as he offered his hand to the dog. It came to him as always, and he pet it’s head as he steeled himself for the task. After a moment he lunged, lashing out with the knife and the dog yelped. Rei had struck the dog, but had missed anything important, and as he lunged again the dog whipped around, sinking it’s teeth into Rei’s arm. He screamed and scrambled backwards, but this was a dog bred to protect and attack.
The dog snapped at him again, scraping it’s teeth against his calf, and he lashed out with the knife, catching the dog across the face. It yelped, but Rei’s attempts were not enough to deter it, and so it lunged again. It tore at his leg and as Rei reached to defend himself it grabbed his arm and shook. Through tears and blood he saw his father standing at the edge of the yard watching. He cried out, begging for help and getting only a scoff in return. Just as the dog lunged for his throat a thundering crack split the air, and the dog dropped like a stone onto Rei’s body, pinning him to the ground under nearly two-hundred pounds of muscle. He could feel the air being crushed out of him, and just as he was about to cry out for help, the dog came back to life. Rei was about to let out a scream when, in a distinctly familiar voice, said, “Rei! Rei wake up! Come on wake up!”
His eyes flew open and he kicked frantically at the bedsheets, trying to get all of the weight off his body. His breath had a high, desperate pitch to it, and he nearly flew out of the bed when someone grabbed his arm. He pulled back, ready to attack, but Kazuki stared back at him, not backing down, not fearful.
“It’s alright, you’re safe. Look at me Rei, we’re safe, it’s o–”
“Where’s Miri?”
“She’s fine, she’s downstairs watching TV. Has been for about an hour. It was just a nightmare, ok? Just breathe.” But it wasn’t just a nightmare, it was a memory. Or, most of one. The dog certainly hadn’t talked to him. And that night he had failed. The dog’s death was not the end of that lesson. He shivered at the thought of everything that had transpired that night, remembering how he had been punished for his failure.
As Kazuki spoke, Rei slowly relaxed from his frozen position, half perched on the edge of the bed. He layed back down flat on his back, letting the back of his hand brush Kazuki’s as he slowly came back to his body. He probably would have been better in his out-of-body state because his shirt and the sheets were hot and sticky with sweat, bringing a chill without the warmth of the bed. He felt disgusting.
As he sat up to take his shirt off, Kazuki asked, “Will you tell me about it? I’m just worried, and today, I just– I guess I don’t know what’s going on. I want to help you Rei, if you’ll let me.”
His shirt was on the ground by the bed, and he was thinking about doing away with his jeans too, but one look at his arm stopped him. On his right forearm was a long-since healed mess of scarring and indents in the muscle, a testament to his memories. His leg was worse, and he didn’t want to look at it right now. He flopped back onto the bed before speaking.
“It wasn’t a nightmare.” He paused, thinking about how much he wanted to say. He decided it would be best to just lay it out there. He may not deserve Kazuki, but Kazuki deserved this. “It wasn’t just a nightmare, it was a memory. I– I didn’t always hate dogs. When I was a child I had a dog, and you know my family. To love is to fear and all that shit. So my father made me kill it–”
“ What–”
“Just let me talk, Kazuki, please.”
“Ok, sorry.”
“It’s ok. He gave me a knife and told me to kill it and I tried—Kazuki I didn’t want to, ok? You have to know that, I didn’t want to kill it—but I attacked first and failed. I was weak and it attacked me. I couldn’t fight it off, and right before it was about to kill me they shot it. They killed it right on top of me. I was stuck there, trapped under it’s body and my father left me there. Said it was a lesson in love and trust.” He paused, taking time to steady his voice.
“Ever since then– well, you’ve seen the scars.” He lifted his arm and then flopped it back on the bed, and watched as Kazuki’s eyes widened, then flicked down to his leg. He knew.
“I didn’t know.”
“I didn’t tell you.”
“It’s fine that you didn’t. I don’t want you to feel like you have to tell me everything.”
“I know.”
“Ok. I’m sorry… that it happened, that is. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Is this why the dog in the hall…?”
“Yeah. Yeah, it cornered me in the elevator, and then when I ran it jumped up on me. All I could think about was it tearing me apart…” The whole exchange was quiet, and with every pause Rei could hear voices from Miri’s TV show floating up to their room. “I don’t know why it’s different.”
“From what?”
“From people? Guns? I’ve been shot, stabbed, punched, and I don’t fear it. But dogs? I’ve never been so afraid in my life. I don’t know why it’s different.”
“I don’t either, but please don’t hate yourself for it, ok? I can read your mind you know.” Kazuki’s eye’s twinkled, trying to bring the mood up a bit. Rei rolled his eyes.
“Idiot.”
“Well, I’m glad you told me, ok? I don’t think you’re weak. Here, I’ll tell you a fear of mine–”
“Burning your muffins in the oven?” Rei poked, feeling a little bit better.
“Close actually. Fire. I’m terrified of fire.” Kazuki was looking away, likely remembering something of his own. “I hate having Miri in the kitchen when I’m cooking, but I know that it’s not a fear I should allow to control me. She’s gonna have to learn how to cook, or light a match, and it scares me to no end, but that’s just the way it is. Anyway, there, an even trade.”
“Thank you Kazuki, truly.” Though Kazuki meant it with more humor, Rei was genuinely grateful. He’d never had someone that he could be vulnerable in front of, much less confide in.
“You said that night was a lesson in love and trust. I just want you to know that you can trust me…” He trailed off, like he was considering his next sentence, and then leaned closer just a little, “You can… love me… if you want.” Rei’s eyes widened with Kazuki’s, and he watched his partner stutter to say something next, “I– uh, I’m sorry that sounded so pretentious, uh– I’m just saying you can– sorry you don’t have to love me… I– I mean I love you but– fuck I’m making it worse, it’s just… you mean a lot to me and I want you to know I’m here for you and I–”
“Kazuki.” Rei turned onto his side and put his hand on Kazuki’s side, just a gentle touch to acknowledge him. His heart was pounding in his chest—and this time not from fear—as he leaned closer. All thoughts of the nightmare and the hours before fled his mind.
“Oh thank you.” He exhaled, clearly glad for an excuse to stop talking, and Rei could feel the air brush past his face. Kazuki had sleepy breath, but Rei didn’t mind. Even in the dim room, and certainly this close, Rei could see how red his face was. It was cute, but he wasn’t about to tell Kazuki that.
He spoke low and quiet, heart in his throat. “I do trust you. And… I do love you.”
“You…”
“ I love you Kazuki.” Rei allowed his hand to weigh more on Kazuki’s waist and met his eyes. Kazuki’s eyes were positively sparkling, though his face was no less red as he smiled. He truly was beautiful, but it was the joy, the safety, and the care Kazuki took that really made him fall. Rei had fallen for Kazuki, and it seemed he was not alone.
The air seemed to still in that moment, and Rei could see water building in Kazuki’s eyes. The sap, he’s too good. He seemed to be waiting for Rei to do something, but he knew Kazuki would never push him for anything, for which he was glad.
Rei tightened his grip on Kazuki’s waist as he scooted closer, tucking his head under Kazuki’s chin. With ear to chest he could hear the way Kazuki’s heart matched his in it’s frantic beating, and he smiled a little to himself at the thought of how stupid they both were. Stupid, but safe. Rei breathed in deep, letting it out slowly, and Kazuki chuckled, moving a little.
“What?”
“You’re breath tickles.”
“Oh really?”
“Do not. Rei- ” Rei blew gently on Kazuki’s chest and chuckled as Kazuki placed his palm to Rei’s forehead, practically peeling him away.
Just then they could hear giggling from the doorway, a short warning before a little body flung itself on top of them. Then the battle really began. Rei pinned Kazuki down and over his protests told Miri, “Come on Miri get Papa! Get him, he’s ticklish!” She squealed and attacked Kazuki, who laughed and tried in vain to protect himself.
Before too long they were all in a heap, with Miri giggling uncontrollably down by their legs. Kazuki laughed breathlessly and locked eyes with Rei who smiled back. The flush on Kazuki’s cheeks returned and Rei couldn’t help it. He leaned in and kissed Kazuki, just a quick, thoughtless kiss on the lips and then froze, realizing what he’d done.
“I’m sor–”
“Don’t apologize! Rei–” Kazuki broke off as he brushed hair out of Rei’s face, “I’m not sorry. I’m… I’m happy. Are you happy?”
“Yeah,” he breathed. It wasn’t the most poetic thing he’d ever said, but Kazuki looked at him like it was. Rei was happy . The day had been shit, but maybe they could still have that relaxing evening after all.
Kazuki squeezed him around the waist and returned the kiss, “Good, I’m happy too.”
“You said that already.”
“Shut up, it’s true.” And Rei believed him.