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I’m not gonna lie, I was honestly scared to post this.
To anyone who knows my work, you know that this is WAY out of my usual comfort zone. I’ve done dark, gritty and angst-ridden before, but this is darker than I’ve ever done.
However, as you already know if you’re familiar with my work, there will copious amounts of family comfort to follow.
Trigger warning: this one shot addresses the recovery from sexual assault. I promise, I don’t describe anything, and there is nothing graphic in this chapter. However, I wanted to put this here to be cautious.
I’m writing this to honor the struggles of the people in my life who were forced to endure this unspeakable horror. I’m not writing it out of any wish to be salacious or vulgar, only to show the pain that victims experience as they try to reenter life after having theirs shattered.
Something was wrong with Leo. This was the main thought rattling around Raphael’s brain for the past few weeks.
The brawler glanced at the brother in question, noting the diminished state of the once healthy frame. In the past month Leonardo’s muscular form had lost weight, to the point that Casey noticed. Even with the crazy fact that Leo had started wearing baggy hoodies and loose pants out of nowhere. Not only that, but the healthy leaf green scales had become dull, slowly reduced to a terrifying grey. The scariest thing though was Leo’s eyes. The once calm and wise sapphire orbs were bloodshot, wary, and fearful, accompanied by dark bags that told a tale of countless sleepless nights. Raph wasn’t sure why Leo wasn’t sleeping, but he had a hunch that it may have something to do with nightmares.
He couldn’t be sure, but every once in a while, the red ninja would wake up in the middle of the night, senses alive and alert, due to the sound of what seemed to be a scream. Raphael would wait, after several minutes of intense listening into the silent darkness of the lair, before the brawler would inevitably go back to sleep. However, the next morning Leo always seemed to be even more ragged than the day before. Eyes empty and dull, as he dodged all contact with his brothers. Raph sighed, shoulders dropping when he remembered that there weren’t just physical changes. Leo was pulling away from his family again, but this time it was so much worse.
Instead of the angry aura the eldest once exuded, now Leo seemed to slink around the lair, avoiding any contact with his family and never leaving his room. He came to morning training, but he would leave as soon as they were dismissed and wouldn’t be seen for the rest of the day. Gone were the times where Leo would often be found meditating in the dojo, and he had even stopped solo training. What was even more odd, there was this strange fragility to their leader that Raph had never seen before. Like Leo was just a step away from toppling into a million shattered pieces. Raphael growled at that thought, unhappy that it was being applied to his older sibling. Leo wasn’t fragile. Not that he didn’t have his weak moments, they all did. However, the brawler had lost count of how many times he’d watched the eldest fight his way back from the brink of death or despair. So, the word fragile had never applied to Leo. Not until now, that is.
“Come on, bro, ya gotta eat something?”
Mikey’s soft pleading tones broke through Raph’s thoughts, bringing him back to glaring at his older brother. Leonardo was skipping yet another meal, a trembling smile hung apologetically on the withering cheeks of their leader, “Sorry, Mike,” Leo replied, tone far too soft and far too meek, “I’m not hungry.”
“Not hungry?!” The youngest squawked, disbelief dripping from every syllable, “How can you not be hungry? You haven’t had a real meal in days, bro, and you’ve lost weight! I can tell! So can Casey, for that matter!”
Leonardo’s arms crossed defensively over his stomach, as if to hide the missing body mass, even as his shoulders hunched shyly. In an uncharacteristic show of childish vulnerability, the eldest could only give a helpless shrug, blue eyes cast down at the floor in shame, “Like I said,” he reiterated, voice a weak mumble, “I’m just not hungry.”
With that poor excuse of an explanation, the leader turned on his heel and fled the kitchen, leaving Michelangelo standing in front of the stove with his mouth hanging open in shock. Raph was equally mystified, however, the hothead had seen a look on his big brother’s face as the blue clad ninja passed by that rocked the turtle to his core. Leo’s features were a grim slash of self loathing so intense, it honestly scared Raphael to see it. It was only a flash, but the red ninja had seen enough to send his already concerned stomach roiling with worry.
“Why?” The red turtle queried softly, “What’s goin’ on with ya, Leo?”
…………….
Leonardo crashed into his room, hurriedly shoving the door closed before stepping over the mess littered across the floor. Normally, his room was tidy, spic and span as he’d been taught. However, in the past few weeks it had devolved into a mess, much like his mental state.
Tripping over a stack of books, ones he’d meant to read but found he’d lost all interest in his once favorite hobby, the eldest made his way to his bed. Art supplies, once carefully stacked on his desk, were strewn across the tabletop and trailed onto the floor. The result of an emotional meltdown a couple nights previous when Leo realized he could no longer even draw the way he used to. Not that he was injured, but everything he once found joy in felt so hardthese days. To be honest, he’d lost any semblance of the joy he’d had before….well, before. With a breathy groan, the eldest lowered himself to his mattress, curling up tight into the fetal position. Hunger pangs sliced through his diminished abdomen, but Leo ignored them, well aware that if he ate, he would just inevitably throw up, losing what little nourishment he’d managed to choke down. So, despite being hungry, it was better to just starve. Unfortunately, that was making him lose weight, which of course his family noticed. Leo sighed. It was certainly a miserable state of affairs, but Leonardo couldn’t work up the gumption to feel sorry for himself. He didn’t deserve the pity.
The blue turtle’s heart ached as the chains of depression dragged it into a slower rhythm. He didn’t believe he deserved anything anymore.
Sapphire eyes fluttered closed as sleep tugged at them, only to spring open again, fear nipping at the edges of the bloodshot gaze. In a familiar dance, the eldest fought against the pull of sleep, knowing what awaited him should he give in. As soon as the exhausted turtle was about to slip into REM, he would be greeted by a vision from his worst nightmares. That thought caused the warrior to shudder in fear. He didn’t want to remember, he’d been fighting to forget, but as always, the memories stalked him the way a fox stalks a rabbit. He was so tired, but sleeping meant nightmares, and this early in the day, no one would miss him waking up screaming. Much less would he have a believable excuse. Nonetheless, Leo could feel himself sink into an uneasy sleep much like a dying man sinking into quicksand. As the eldest slowly relinquished control to his body’s need for rest, the memories that haunted him came back with all the mercy of a black widow spider.
It was a little over three weeks ago, and he and his brothers had somehow ended up in space again.
This in itself wasn’t unusual. The brothers were used to shenanigans that ended with them being dumped in strange and exotic places. This time they’d been taken to a planet filled with a native species just a little smaller than triceratons, and despite their best efforts, they’d been promptly arrested, and their hands cuffed behind their shells. Not that they were surprised. Leo could count on one hand how many times they’d been sent to a foreign planet or dimension that they hadn’t been arrested within the first twenty-four hours. So, that was also to be expected. What wasn’t expected was that they were not only arrested, but immediately separated. Well, not all of them, just Leo.
The four brothers were dragged to a holding cell, but their guards quickly surmised that it was too full as it was, and then decided to put Michelangelo, Donnie and Raphael in it, but take Leonardo to the holding cell on the other side of the facility. Leo fought the decision, literally. He’d swung around in a vicious roundhouse kick that left his guard groaning on the floor after being slammed into the wall. The leader then proceeded to attack their other captors but was stopped when a particularly large alien picked the blue ninja up from behind. Leo reeled back, giving a savage grin when he felt the satisfying crunch of a broken nose, making the guard howl in pain. The alien threw Leo against the wall near the other guard, making the eldest’s head smack against the stone. The young leader slumped to the ground, a pained groan whispering between clenched teeth.
Naturally, Raphael had raged, but by this point he was behind bars and unable to assist his sibling. Leonardo was at the mercy of their guards, and there was no getting away. So, arms still cuffed behind his shell, the leader was pulled down the hall, kicking and screaming, away from his brothers.
“You’re going to regret breaking my nose, kid,” the alien guard snarled, large arms tightening threateningly around Leo’s bicep, “maybe a stay with some new ‘friends’ will give you the lesson you need in respect!”
The struggling turtle didn’t have a chance to ask for clarification, because the other guard that he’d knocked against the wall, began to cackle, “Good idea!” He guffawed, “Let’s put him in that cell!”
After another five or so minutes of walking, the guards and their ward arrived at a different holding cell, but this one was altogether different from the one Leo’s brothers were in. The crowd was rougher, a variety of alien life forms shoved into a dark cell with no windows, and only a dim flickering bulb for light. Suddenly, Leo felt his blood run cold as a dark premonition crept up his spine. He began to fight with renewed vigor, teeth clenched as he struggled to get away, but his captors had him in an unbreakable hold, and with his arms bound, he had very little recourse to force them to loosen their grip. Leonardo was unceremoniously dumped into the cell, his cuffs only released after the door was bolted shut, and in stuttering breaths, the ninja turned to face his new roommates.
“Here’s a new chew toy for ya, boys,” the guard chuckled darkly, “try not to have too much fun with him.”
Leo repressed the quiver of fear running through his shoulders, choosing rather to square them and lift his chin in a show of confident defiance. He may not have his weapons, but he wasn’t helpless. Unfortunately, helplessness was something Leo soon became intimately familiar with, and what followed next would haunt his nightmares in the weeks to follow.
He tried to fight them, got many good hits in, and rendered several unconscious. However, even a ninja of Leo’s caliber couldn’t fight off a veritable flood of enemies in such a cramped space. Despite his valiant efforts, despite using every ounce of strength and skill he had, all it took was one stumble to allow his enemies the opening they needed. Greedy hands grabbed the turtle, pummeling him into submission, pawing at him, tearing at him. Leonardo curled into the fetal position, wishing for all he was worth that he could pull into his shell, cursing the fact that he no longer could. It was during this that the entire cell took turns using him as a punching bag, as well as for….other things. By the time they finished, Leo was left on the floor, bleeding and battered, body numb and spirit utterly shattered. While his natural body armor had protected his bones from being broke, that didn’t necessarily mean that he wasn’t broken.
Leonardo’s eyes sprang open even as his stomach rebelled at the intensity of the memories.
Scrambling out of his bed, the eldest pelted across his room to the bucket he’d kept in his nightstand just for this purpose. Bile and stomach juices were squeezed from the shrunken stomach, unable to bring up anything else as Leo couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten. A breathy whimper whispered up the tense and throat, and even as the broad shoulders shuddered with every dry heave, Leo wondered if he’d ever be able to go back to the way he was.
…………
Donatello was concerned. No, scratch that, he was terrified. All for Leo.
When they’d gotten into trouble back on that planet a month ago, the first chance he’d gotten, the scientist had used the communication device he’d recently started hiding in the hollow of his shell. After being abducted, arrested, and thrown into so many gladiator arenas more times than they could count, Don figured he’d need to be more proactive in calling for backup. Which in this case, proved to be the best idea he’d had in a while. Within just a few hours, the Utrom arrived and busted them out, but not before they were able to save Leo from his cell mates. Donatello shuddered at the memory from when they found their eldest brother, remembering how still he lay on the floor, beaten almost to the level of that fateful day with the Shredder’s forces, surrounded by a shallow pool of blood. However, that horrifying image was nothing compared to the doctor’s report he’d seen after the Utrom bundled them onto their ship.
In short, Donnie knew what had happened to Leo.
The Utrom physicians had carefully catalogued each of their leader’s injuries, their clinical detachment only adding to the horror. Details on deep tissue bruising, hairline fractures, and a concussion rambled through the document, but down near the bottom was a line that had made Donnie dizzy with shock. ‘Evidence of sexual assault’. Donatello had read the line, then read it again, bile building in the back of his throat, even as his senses swayed making his vision swim. Such an innocuous little line with no added detail or explanation, but within those four words his big brother’s life had been utterly changed. After reading it, Donatello had hurriedly closed the screen on the tablet, determined to keep the knowledge from Raph and Mikey, unsure of how best to protect his brother. Which then resulted in the genius sitting by Leo’s bedside, watching the blue ninja’s unconscious face, wondering how he could possibly process this horrible travesty. And now the scientist could only stand helplessly as his aniki slowly unraveled, because he had no idea how to tell Leo that he knew what happened in that cell in the hopes that it might help the eldest heal.
The genius turtle rationalized that he had been sitting back the past few weeks to allow Leo the space he needed to recover. However, he knew that wasn’t the real reason. He was just a coward. Granted, Donatello had tried to talk to Leo, but something always came up that would interfere with the conversation. So, while the rest of their family wondered at Leo’s sudden need to cover himself with layers of clothing, the way his belt size was steadily shrinking, the dark bags under his eyes that grew deeper with every sleepless night, Donnie stood as a silent observer, understanding exactly why his brother was behaving the way he was. And utterly powerless to stop it.
Donatello groaned, current project forgotten as his head dropped into the palms of his hands. How was he going to help Leo?
Suddenly the sound of violent retching reached the scientist’s ears. Donnie glanced around, noticing that neither Raphael nor Mikey seemed to hear it, what with their boisterous arguing in the kitchen. Not even Splinter was aware of the sound, his attention on the television screen showcasing his favorite pre-training morning show. Donatello straightened from where he sat. Maybe this was his chance? Yes, it was a vulnerable moment for his leader, but it would be harder for Leo to argue his way out of being caught by his brother. Standing as casually as possible, the genius walked out of his lab, then strolled as quickly as he could manage, without arousing suspicion, towards the stairs.
As he climbed the steps, Donnie winced at the dry heaves bellowing from Leonardo’s bedroom. A green hand gently turned the knob, only for Donnie’s heart to break. Leonardo knelt on the uncharacteristically messy floor of his bedroom in front of a metal bucket, hoodie clad shoulders shuddering, even as he failed to bring anything up from the all too empty stomach.
Donatello stole across the dark room, kneeling down next to his brother, “Leo?”
Leonardo jumped, startled by his younger sibling’s presence. Shattered sapphire eyes whirled to meet warm chocolate brown, only to flash back to the bucket as his stomach gave another spasm. Donatello reached out, hand hesitating in midair briefly, before placing a consoling hand on the older terrapin’s carapace. Leonardo flinched away violently, a new wave of trembling afflicting the much too thin frame. Donnie snatched his hand off his brother, shoulders drooping. “Leo, we need to talk,”
The eldest shook his head, coughing as he tried to reign in his vomiting, “I-I’m fine,” he panted, “just go back downstairs, Donnie.”
“You’re not fine, aniki,” the genius pleaded, “this is not fine.”
Leo shook his head once again, silently denying Donatello’s words, “Please,” the blue ninja begged, clenching his eyes shut, “just go back downstairs. I can handle this.”
Don’s heart broke. Leonardo never begged. He was the type who’d never stoop to the level of begging. Yet, here he was, so broken that he couldn’t even look his own sibling in the eye, pleading to be left alone in his misery, “I don’t think you can,” the purple clad turtle felt his voice hitch, even as emotion caused the words to crack, “we need to talk, aniki.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” Leonardo insisted, stubborn indignation beginning to burn in his sapphire gaze, “nothing that you, or anybody else, can fix.”
“You don’t know that,” the younger brother persisted.
“Yes, I do!” Where there was once agonized whimpers, now there was an angry snarl, quiet and foreboding, “It’s my problem, so leave me the shell alone!”
Donnie expected this.
It wasn’t uncommon for victims of intense physical and mental abuse to become defensive, wanting to shut out everyone and everything, because life outside their trauma was literally overwhelming. They didn’t mean to, very likely didn’t want to, but the pain screaming inside their heads was too loud that outside stimuli just drove them to the brink; resulting in an emotional outburst. All his research had taught him this. That to expect someone who’d been hurt so horribly to have complete emotional control was unfair, and cruel. In reality, they needed the outlet. They needed to cry, to scream, to vent the pressure building inside threatening to explode. Eventually, as they healed, they would regain that emotional balance, but a safe place to process their experiences was vital. However, that was difficult for a personality type such as Leonardo’s. Leo never lost control, or at least he strove not to.
The eldest would laugh, and even cut loose every once in a while with his brothers, but Donnie could honestly say he’d never seen his leader cry. Something that needed to change, if Leo wanted to move forward. Leonardo needed to be able to safely grieve what happened to him, to process his trauma in a healthy way. However, it seemed the eldest was doing everything in his power to sweep it under the rug, “Leo,” Donatello said, tone gentle and no confrontational, “we need to talk about what happened.”
Leo froze, entire body beginning to tremble even as the sapphire eyes widened in fear. A question lingered in those blue eyes. A question that clearly asked what and how much Donnie knew, and if he was going to tell everyone else.
“Nothing happened,” Leo replied, silently pleading that Donnie catch the hint, “there’s nothing to talk about, because nothing happened.”
“You and I both know that’s not true.”
The plastron under the thick material of the hoodie began to heave as Leo’s breaths shortened into panicked pants. He slowly began shaking his head, refusing to believe what Donnie was insinuating, blocking any chance of talking about it, “No,” the eldest whispered, “no, you don’t know anything, you can’t!”
Donatello opened his mouth, ready to counter Leo’s statements, but was once again interrupted when the voice of their father called up the stairs, “Leonardo! Donatello!” The aged rat shouted sternly, “You are late for morning training, come down this instant!”
The scientist’s shoulders drooped, even as Donnie gave an aggravated growl. He turned so to tell their father to give them a couple minutes, that he and Leo were having an important talk, but the young leader was quick to take the opportunity for escape. Jumping to unsteady feet, Leonardo rushed from the room, “Coming, sensei,”
“Leo, we’re not done!” Donnie whispered harshly, following his older brother.
The leader didn’t even look back, “Yes, we are.”
Blue jumped over the railing, followed closely by purple, landing on the ground floor of their home. Over in the dojo, Master Splinter stood at the door, whiskers bristling in frustration even as Raph and Mikey shuffled anxiously behind him. Their father was in a bad mood, tardiness was never something he tolerated, and to have it from his most punctual children was disconcerting to the mutant rodent. Plus, Donatello was aware that Splinter was just as worried about Leo as the rest of them, and that fear that Leo was regressing back to how he’d been acting before the Ancient One put their master on edge.
“Leonardo,” the rat said, voice short as he gave his eldest a once over, “you know how I feel about you training in human clothing.”
The blue ninja flinched, sapphire eyes falling to the floor in shame, even as shaking hands gripped two fistfuls of the large hoodie, “I’m sorry, sensei,” he muttered miserably, “it’s just cold in the lair today. May I please keep it on?”
Donnie gave a heavy swallow, dark brown eyes glancing at their father as the aged rat considered Leo’s request, before heaving a sigh, “I cannot allow you to do so, my son.” Splinter said with a solemn shake of his head, “such heavy clothing would impede your movement, and while you may be capable of fighting while wearing it, these particular items would increase the chance of injury. You would not wish to hurt your brothers due to tripping over loose clothing?”
Leonardo looked positively stricken, broad shoulders sinking as he gave a guilty glance at his younger brothers, before he slowly began to disrobe. If the small family was worried before, they were positively sick now.
They knew that Leo had lost weight, they could tell just by the way he fit the hoodies, and how the tails of his belt had started hanging from under the hem of the shirts. However, now that it was completely removed, the eldest was absolutely shrunken. He still retained much of his muscle mass, but it looked unhealthy, with his waistline sunk in, accentuating sharp hip bones jutting out under the dull green scales. Leo paused as he gripped the top of the sweatpants, a nervous sweat breaking out as his hands began to shake. Donnie knew why Leo was struggling, had long surmised that the clothing gave him the same feeling of protection that their shells did, unfortunately, he couldn’t help him with this. Not until Leo was ready to talk about what happened. Another darted glance up at their father, and finally, the eldest pulled off the clothing and tossed it to the side, only to stand shivering with his arms crossed over his stomach.
Splinter gave a satisfied nod, “Very good,” he murmured, then turned to the rest of his sons, “We will be training on our floor work, today.” The mutant began, “Hand to hand combat, in which victory is attained only when your opponent is on the floor, and unable to break out of your hold.”
The purple turtle held back a groan. Today was not a good day for their leader. First skipping a meal and arousing the suspicions of his brothers, then being confronted after waking up and being sick from a nightmare by yet another sibling, then being forced to surrender the one source of comfort and safety that he’d found since the incident, and now he was going to fight hand to hand in training until he wrestled, or was wrestled, down onto the floor. There were so many ways this could go wrong, and Donnie knew that if he cared for Leo at all, he’d put a stop to it, but he couldn’t. This whole thing was the eldest turtle’s tale to tell, and Donnie knew that if he said what had happened without Leo’s consent, that would be a massive betrayal to their leader’s trust. Leonardo might never rely on him again, or anyone for that matter. It could very well break the eldest.
Shell….SHELL!
Donnie wanted to confront Leo then and there, tell him all he knew and then beg him to let his family help him for once!
Fat chance of that happening.
“Raphael, Leonardo, you will start us off.”
Donatello’s shoulders drooped in despair, not even wanting to see what would happen. The tell-tale sounds of battle began, the shouts and grunts echoing in the small space of the dojo, accompanied by the harsh slaps of hands and feet being thrown and subsequently blocked. Donnie could hear Leo’s normally even breathing quickly get reduced to harsh gasps, no doubt his recent strict diet of air and water is having a hard time helping him keep up with Raph’s bulk. In contrast, Raphael was mysteriously calm, his whole demeanor lacking its usual fire, replaced by strangely gentle blows that still sent the eldest reeling. Even Raph, with all his hotheadedness, knew something was terribly wrong and Leo needed his family’s care more than he needed a fight. With one last mighty yell, the red ninja landed the final blow, knocking Leonardo to the floor.
The eldest groaned in pain, rolling over to clutch his aching stomach, only to feel Raphael gently roll the blue turtle onto his plastron and push his knee down onto the leader’s carapace. It was the hothead’s way of finishing the fight without making his brother suffer even more at the brawler’s hands. It was uncommonly soft, devoid of Raph’s gruff behavior, holding no pressure behind it at all, but he never expected Leo to fly into a panic at such a gentle touch.
An animalistic screech ripped its way out of the blue terrapin’s throat, “NOOOOO!” And then he was gone, scrabbling across the floor, blind with terror, until he hit the wall and immediately curled into a ball, “Don’t touch me!!”
Immediately the eldest melted, his breathing pants of pain and fear, even as he tucked his head as far as he could manage into his shell. The once mighty frame trembled, even as long legs curled up to protect his most vulnerable areas. Donnie wanted to break down weeping right there, but he couldn’t afford the luxury, Leo needed him. “Aniki,” Donatello rasped, rushing to kneel at his leader’s side, reverting to Japanese, their first language, to help soothe the eldest, “it’s me, Donnie, I’ve got you big brother.”
Several seconds passed, with Master Splinter stepping over to kneel next to the purple turtle, but Leo remained silent. “My son?” Splinter queried, hands clenching and unclenching as he tried to decide whether or not he should reach out, “Leonardo? What is wrong?”
Face hidden behind two muscled forearms, Leo didn’t answer, but Don could see the blue turtle bite his lips, as if to force himself to remain silent. How typical of their leader. Ten heartbeats later, Leonardo finally spoke, his voice shaky and weak, “I…. I gotta….. I gotta go.”
Without looking at his family, eyes still clenched shut, Leo surged forward and bolted from the dojo. He didn’t even pause to grab the discarded hoodie.
………….
He was so pathetic. Disgusting. Worthless. How could he protect his family when he couldn’t even spar with his own brother?! Leonardo pelted down the sewer, uncaring of his direction, unsure of his location, an intense need to escape thundering in his ribcage.
Turning a sharp left, the terrapin felt his feet slip on the slime covered floor, but regained his balance, only his shoulder slamming into the wall as he continued running.
He really was pathetic and today only proved it. Further evidence that his family could never know what had happened in that cell, that he can never let them know. Bad enough that Donnie actually might. Leo, for the first time in his life, cursed the purple turtle’s intelligence. Surely, he couldn’t, right? Leonardo hoped against hope that Donnie didn’t. He shouldn’t, not Donnie, not Mike, not Raph and definitely not Father. Never Father. He couldn’t let anyone know. It would devastate Mikey, he would never look at the leader the same again. Donnie already was starting to treat him like a fragile doll, set to break at the slightest misstep. Not to mention, if Raphael found out, it would be the final straw that broke the tenuous respect that Leo had somehow earned from the brawler. Raph would never see him as a leader ever again, he’d probably be too disgusted to see him as a brother. And Father? Master Splinter would probably take away his title as leader, and he’d be right to.
Leonardo bit back a sob. He could not break, would not break. He needed to stay in control. He couldn’t let any cracks appear. He would force his emotions into submission, even if it meant sacrificing himself in the process. Because Leo knew that if he gave in, if he allowed himself to break, he’d never be able to put himself back together.
Thunder rolled overhead, jolting Leo out of his thoughts. How’d he get above ground? When did he get topside?
Rain poured down, a torrential thunderstorm that lit the sky with lightening and savage cracks of thunder. The harsh shivering afflicting his frame increased tenfold, anxiety induced panic screaming up the back of his skull as if he’d been electrocuted with a stun gun. No….this was too much. He’d had to go through enough today, he couldn’t handle this. He had enough problems with thunderstorms on a normal day, before his life went to shell. Leo gave a heavy swallow, hands clamping down over his ear slits, but unable to block out the next roll of thunder. Dark voices and footsteps from being chased down by the foot resurrected from his memories, making the need to flee resurface. With a whimper, the turtle turned, racing down the alleyway, terror his only guide.
“Poor pathetic Leonardo,” an insidious voice whispered in the back of his mind, its timbre too similar to the Shredder, “unable to protect your family, unable to even be of value as a weapon, all because you weren’t able to protect yourself. You’re too weak. You were too weak then, and you’re certainly too weak now!”
Leo shook his head against the accusations, unsure if he was finally hallucinating after weeks of sleepless nights, or if he’d simply snapped, “No,” he bit out, “I’m not! I’m not weak!”
“Yes, you are,” the voice continued, giving a dark chuckle, “you couldn’t even protect yourself in that cell, what makes you think you can lead? Especially With the shape you’re in.”
“I can lead them,” the blue ninja argued, “I just need to get better, somehow. I just need to…get stronger.”
But he couldn’t get stronger. He was already a warrior at a level that found very little challenge in most of their enemies these days. Which was why the cell was such a blow to his psyche. He was strong, he’d won to-the-death duels, he’d led his brothers into battle so many times and come out victorious in spite of impossible odds. But when he needed that strength most, he was helpless, unable to protect himself, unable to stop the horrible things that were done to him. Which became undeniable proof that he really was weak, really was worthless. Common rabble reduced him to this and Leo didn’t know how to move on. He was a disgrace to his family, unworthy of his title as leader, and just a pathetic husk of the mighty Leonardo he once was.
“Admit it, Leonardo, you’re all washed up. Worthless, unworthy to even wield your katana, and that’s all that you’ll ever be.”
Leo put his head down, uncaring if he was seen or not, desperate to block out the voice in the back of his mind. As the rain continued to pour, the terrapin ran through the back alleys of New York, heart and head caught in a tailspin.
…………
April cursed the rain.
Not that she had anything against it, but rainy days always set her on edge. It seemed that bad luck in her life always seemed to follow the rain. One memory in particular, one that involved her apartment and store burning down into mere cinders. She’d lost everything that day. However, she’d never hold it against the turtles for it happening. Leo never asked to be pummeled within an inch of his life. Donnie never asked to be forced into the position of doctor, one he’d never wanted, and still unwillingly holding. Mikey never wanted to be forced to face the reality of mortality and what it could mean for their family. Raph never wanted to consider that he would have to step up should Leo ever be taken down. And Splinter never wanted to watch his children get almost killed by the Shredder.
The human sighed, turning into the alleyway behind her building.
Speaking of the turtles, she was getting worried about Leo. The kid hasn’t been the same for almost a month. He’d been skittish, staying out of reach, not letting anyone touch him. Well, anyone but April. Leo let her come near him, but Casey? No, Casey couldn’t get anywhere close to the young turtle. Ever since their unexpected adventure into space a few weeks ago, Leo kept a wide distance from her husband. The one time Casey got close enough to the ninja to attempt a greeting, Leonardo had almost jumped out of his shell. Sapphire eyes wide with… fear? But that didn’t make sense! Leo could beat up Casey while blindfolded, so why the sudden nervousness? True, the man towered over them, and he was more muscle than anything else, but Leo had never been concerned about that before, much less been afraid.
Putting the car into park, April opened the door, one hand reaching up to somewhat shield her eyes from the raindrops. Walking around to the trunk, the human opened the hatch, and gathered up the grocery bags loaded inside. Closing the car with a slam, the woman trotted through the heavy downpour, her face a grimace as she strained to see through the storm, and made her way to the back door. What she found there completely derailed her plans for the evening.
Leonardo sat on the ground against the door, completely soaked in the rain, huddled in a ball as water dripped all around him. His eyes were far away, dull and wide, caught in a nightmare that had followed him into the daylight. Looking down, April couldn’t hold back the startled gasp at the diminished frame of the eldest. She’d known he’d lost weight for some mysterious reason, but she didn’t realize how much until she saw it for herself. At this point, Leo looked more skin and bones, than the healthy form he’d had a month ago. The terrapin startled at her gasp, the sapphire gaze slowly regaining lucidity as Leonardo hesitantly brought his eyes up to meet hers, an emotional break hovering on the edges of his vision.
“April,” the eldest turtle stuttered, swallowing back what the human woman knew to be a sob, “I-I think…I think something’s wrong with me,”
The woman knelt, hands fluttering around the distressed teen, unsure of where to begin, “Oh, Leo,” she said with a grieved sigh, “what happened?”
“I don’t know,” Leonardo hiccuped, shaking his head, “I don’t even remember how I got here.”
April floundered for a response but came up empty. Finally, the woman forced her shock and worry to the back of her mind, focusing on the young leader breaking into pieces in front of her, “Let’s get you inside, okay?”
…………
“I’m so glad you’re here,”
Raphael followed the purple ninja into April’s apartment, not missing the fearful concern etched into her features. Their human friend honestly looked sick, as if she found a dead body in the alleyway instead of their brother. The red clad turtle felt his stomach clench at that thought. No, Leo was fine, he had to be. Except, that he wasn’t. The episode down in the lair conclusively proved that there was something very wrong with the eldest, something that Leonardo refused to face or share with his family. Normally Raph would feel rage that his leader was keeping secrets, however, the indisputable fact that Leo was physically unwell helped put a damper on that.
For the past month their brother had been spiraling, and he wouldn’t say why.
Sure, the brawler had noticed that Leo came back from their trip to space a little more jumpy than usual. Okay, a lot more jumpy than usual. However, he’d written it off as the Leo post beat down. He had been jumpy for a week or so after the Shredder threw their leader through a window, and he’d been a little off after the starship incident. However, even though Leo spiraled with the latter, that time it was more of an over correction out of fear that his family wasn’t safe. This time? This time Raph had no idea how to help his older brother, and that scared him, because this time it seemed like Leo was genuinely losing his mind. Raphael had watched this past month, noting the weight loss, acknowledging that the eldest stopped sitting on the couch with his brothers on movie nights, and avoided any physical contact with his family outside of training. How he gave excuses to get out of patrol and didn’t argue when the younger brothers went out anyway. How he hid in his room and seemed to forget how to care for himself.
It went so much deeper than a simple recovery from getting beat to shell. Leo suddenly wearing human clothes and essentially starving himself was evidence of that. But what was it? And how could they help?
“He’s in my room,” April’s soft tones murmured to their genius brother, Raph listening intently as he followed them, “I’ve never seen him like this before, Donnie, I’m scared.”
“We are, too,” Donatello sighed, his face aging several years just from stress and grief, “how was he when you found him?”
The human woman paused, slowly gathering her words, “He was sitting in the rain looking like he’d just had a panic attack, to be honest. Like he was there physically, but his mind was far away.”
That made sense. The way Leo looked after panicking down in the lair it made sense that he was on the edge. Not that that was a common experience, their leader exhibiting any behavior outside of stoic, responsible watchfulness was an aberration. So, in reality, none of this is normal.
“I didn’t realize how thin he’d gotten,” April continued, her voice pitching low, quavering with barely repressed fear, “when he started shivering, I swear I could hear his ribs rattling.”
“I’ve tried to get him to eat,” Michelangelo mourned, face downcast in guilt.
Raph sighed, placing a consoling hand on the youngest’s shoulder, “Ya can’t force a person ta eat if they don’t wanna, Mike. It ain’t yer fault.”
“Feels like it,” the orange ninja mumbled.
“Anyway, I’ll let you guys talk to him,” the woman said with a trembling smile, gesturing to her bedroom door, “I hope you have better luck than I did.”
Donatello nodded, slowly opening the door and slipping inside. Raphael followed closely, straining to see around the scientist’s shell for just a glimpse of their leader, and there huddled on the floor in the corner of the room was Leonardo. The blue ninja, devoid of his mask and swaddled in a large blanket, sat with his legs drawn up to his chest and shell to the wall, his eyes dull even as his body shivered pitifully. Once again, Raphael was struck by the sense of an almost fragility about his leader, like something was about to shatter inside the turtle at any moment. Something irreparable. Donnie and Mike sat near the eldest, Don directly in front of their brother, with Mikey carefully sitting on his left, leaving the brawler to sit next to his older brother on his right, ensuring that he didn’t touch the struggling teen.
“Aniki,” Donnie whispered, brown eyes heavy with grief, “I hate to do this to you, especially now, but you know we need to talk.”
Leonardo shook his head in a jerky no, eyes still unseeing and far away, “There’s nothing to talk about,” he rasped.
“Yes, there is.” The scientist pressed, “Running away from what happened is killing you, Leo, and I can’t stand by and watch it happen.”
“I’m not running away,” Leo said in a halfhearted snarl, even though the brawler noticed immeasurable grief make the sapphire eyes glassy.
“Then, what do you call today?” Donnie countered.
Leonardo balked, unable to find a viable excuse for his behavior that day, knowing that he had no way of explaining it. Raph looked closer, his heart constricting as he sullenly acknowledged how close Leo was to crumbling. Their leader was a mess, and while the brawler wasn’t one for touchy feely stuff, even he knew that if Leo didn’t vent the pressure building inside of him soon, he’d snap.
“Exactly,” the purple turtle sighed, “I know I can’t understand what you’re going through, aniki, but I do know that you need to let us help you.”
Leo flinched, burying his face into his arms, hiding from the concerned looks of his brothers, then shook his head in another no, “Can’t,” he gasped, “you don’t understand, you can’t help. No one can.”
“Yes, we can, if you’d just let us!”
Another fierce shake of his head, the eldest refusing to let his siblings in. Donatello sighed, bowing his head as he bit his lips in frustration, then popped back up, determined brown eyes firm with determination, “Aniki,” Donnie said, tone shaking with strange nervousness, “I’m sorry, I was going to tell you somewhere more private, but you give me no choice. I know what happened.”
Raph’s heart stopped when Leonardo suddenly froze, even his shivering coming to a chilling stillness. Green hands gripped the blanket covering his arms, and the leader stuttered, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, you do, Leo,” Donnie rasped, “what happened in space, in that cell, I know what happened, I saw the doctor’s report.”
Leonardo’s shoulders broke out in sudden harsh trembling, even as they began to heave in panicked gasps. The eldest curled up into an even tighter ball, effectively putting up an invisible barrier between himself and his team. Raph’s jaw dropped at the change, unused to this level of vulnerability being shown. The brawler turned to Donnie, fearful concern screaming behind topaz eyes, “What are ya talkin’ about, Don? What happened?”
Donatello locked Raph with grieved brown eyes, and suddenly the hothead felt revelation creep across his consciousness, burning in his gut and making him dizzy, “What happened, Donnie?” The hothead asked again, not wanting to know, but desperately needing an answer to why their lives have been upside down for the past month.
At first Donatello didn’t answer, but then returned to their leader, “They need to know, Leo, we can’t keep this from the rest of the team.”
“Why?” The question was a broken plea, a tone never heard from the eldest before.
“Because they love you, and they want to help you as much as I do, but they can’t if they don’t know what happened.”
Blanket covered shoulders hunched, and the first sign of Leo finally breaking came as a choked sob rocked the thin frame, “I don’t,” the eldest stammered, “I don’t want anyone to know.”
“I know,” Don’s voice was tender, understanding and oh, so full of sorrow, “I know you don’t, but if you want to move past it, you have to talk about it.”
“But what if…” Leo shuddered, cold fear making him pause, “what if they hate me.”
“No one will hate you, aniki,” the scientist reassured, his own voice becoming thick with repressed emotion, “not me, not Raph, not Mikey.”
“Father?” Shell, Leo’s voice sounded so young, and the brothers were brutally reminded of just young he actually was, how young they all were.
“Father would never hate you,” Don hiccuped, quickly swiping at a couple stray tears running down his face, “especially over something that wasn’t your fault.”
“I can’t say it,” the eldest sniffled, “I don’t want to.”
The purple ninja pulled in a steadying breath, then nodded, “Do you need me to?”
Several shuddering breaths, and then an unsteady nod. Not quite verbal consent, but consent nonetheless. Raphael turned his liquid gold gaze to their smartest of the brothers, fear burning in his gut as he waited, and finally the genius spoke, “Do you remember how we were separated in space a few weeks ago?” He asked, voice barely above a whisper.
Orange and red hesitantly nodded, prompting Donatello to continue, “When we were separated, and Leo was taken to that other holding cell, you already know that he’d been…hurt, but that wasn’t the only thing that happened.”
Oh God, Raphael felt his stomach clench as a wave of nausea overwhelmed him, and a glance at Mikey verified that he wasn’t the only one feeling sick. He had a feeling he knew where Donnie was going with this and suddenly Raphael didn’t want an answer anymore.
“While in that cell, when we were waiting to hear back from the Utrom,” Donnie’s voice cracked, “Leo…..Leo was….”
Donatello couldn’t say, but he didn’t have to. Raph’s street sense filled in the gaps, screaming the unspoken message as though it been shouted through a megaphone…Leo had been raped.
Mikey bit back a startled cry, eyes welling with tears, even as he clapped both hands over his mouth. Incomprehensible rage flowed through the brawler, burning through his veins like molten steel while bloodlust stained his vision red. He wanted to kill those scum who’d dare touch his family, his leader, in such a dishonorable way. He wanted to shove his sai so far down their throat that even the hilt disappeared. He wanted to disembowel them, and then burn the offal as they lay on the floor screaming. He wanted…!
A muted sniffle broke through the haze of fury, jolting Raphael back into the present, and bringing his attention back to their leader, only for his heart to shatter. Leonardo looked like he wanted to disappear, the green head burrowed even further into his arms, even as he pulled the blanket around him up higher. In that moment all became still, and Raph’s anger ebbed away, melting into pure compassion. The eldest didn’t need their rage, Leo needed his family to pull in and help him put the pieces back together. Anger wouldn’t do that.
“Leo,” Raphael spoke for the first time, his voice reaching levels of tenderness that neither he, nor his brothers, knew he was capable of, “can I…May I….can I hug ya?”
Raph now knew why Leo didn’t want to be touched, couldn’t stand the sensation anymore, and the brawler was able to understand that the privilege they’d enjoyed since they were born had been revoked. Not because Leo didn’t love his family, but his trust had been broken, brutally so. It was this revelation that made the hothead take the first step towards rebuilding that trust with his brother, showing him once again that they were safe. Leonardo paused, then cautiously turned his head to peer shyly at his younger brother through shattered sapphire eyes. Slowly, carefully, the eldest stretched out a hand and gripped at the brawler’s wrist wrap. Pawing at the younger sibling, the way a scared child silently asks for comfort.
The red ninja wrapped his arm around the leader, biting back the sigh when Leo unconsciously flinched, then pulled the eldest against his plastron. Tucking the trembling head under his chin, Raph carefully squeezed the blue ninja in a hug, cautious not to make him panic, but wanting so badly to shield him from the evil Leo had been forced to endure.
“Aniki,” Raphael spoke, his voice reduced to a whisper, gentle and soothing in its rumbling baritone, “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry we couldn’t protect ya, that I wasn’t there ta fight beside ya.
“But I want ya ta know somethin’,” the brawler’s voice cracked, even as hot tears welled in the corners of his eyes, blurring his vision, “no matter what ya think about yerself, no matter what happened ta ya in that hellhole, it ain’t ever gonna change the fact that we’re family, and yer always gonna be my fearless leader. Ya got that?”
A sob, shaking the thin frame, exploded behind clenched lips even as Leo buried his face into the crook of Raph’s neck. A keening wail built in the tense throat, even as the leader’s shoulders shuddered with the effort it took to not break. However, Raph merely rubbed the trembling carapace, offering his strength to the struggling eldest, “It’s okay, Leo,” the brawler sniffed, ending his own fight with the tears flowing down the rugged cheeks, “I got ya, yer safe. Just get it out.”
A few more shuddering breaths, and then, finally, the dam broke.
Gut wrenching sobs rocked the thin frame, guttural and raw, quickly soaking the well muscled shoulder of the red turtle. A shaking hand gripped onto Raphael’s bicep as if it were a lifeline, and the eldest melted under the sheer wave of grief that had been drowning him the last three weeks. Their strong, stoic leader, was reduced to a child, mourning the loss of innocence stolen at the hands of monsters, and struggling to reconcile with his new normal. Raph dipped his head down, hot tears burning their way down his face, splattering on the convulsing shoulders of Leonardo, the two strongest turtles in the brotherhood caught in a moment of unity, grieving the loss and the trespass suffered.
Soon, Michelangelo and Donnie joined the hug, each offering their support, murmuring reassurances that Leonardo was still valuable, still loved, still needed. The blue ninja sobbed until his voice was hoarse, reduced to a whispering rasp, and even past that until he couldn’t even manage a squeak of sound, but in the end he found the weight on his shoulders lighter. As the tears dwindled, dissolving into weak hiccups shuddering through his chest, for the first time in a month Leo felt like he could sleep. So, cradled in the arms of his siblings, utterly spent from the emotional break, sapphire eyes fluttered closed, and the young leader slept without even the slightest nightmare to disturb his rest.
……………
A rattling cough echoed through the lair making Donatello wince, the remnants of the bout of pneumonia their leader caught during his run in the rain.
It had been two weeks since the big talk at April’s, and while things weren’t back to normal per se, they were absolutely a lot better. Leo was allowing himself to lean on his brothers, coming to them for comfort if he had a nightmare, more willing to be vulnerable so that they could provide the support he needed. Their leader even felt comfortable enough to request sleepovers if he was having a hard day, and needed the comfort of their company. Something which all the brothers gave, without restraint. It took some convincing, and a whole lot of courage on Leo’s part, but the eldest also had finally told their adopted father about what happened. Splinter was shocked, sickened, but mostly grieved. Father and son spent the rest of the day on the couch after that, with Leo laying his head in Splinter’s lap while the aged rodent provided comforting scratches to the head and carapace, just like they used to do when Leo was a tot. It had gone a long way in helping bring the lair an added layer of peace and safety.
Granted, Leonardo still wore human clothing, the persistent feeling of vulnerability not going away, and probably wouldn’t for a while. However, this time, the family was more understanding. Allowing Leo the time and space he needed to feel comfortable again. Mikey, though, put the eldest on a diet. One packed with nutrients and all the things he needed to pack some weight back on his shrunken frame. Leo tried to argue, but the youngest was adamant, so, in the past couple weeks the family was happy to report that their leader was starting to look more himself again. He was still skinny, but not scarily so.
Raphael was a lot more kind too. He still poked and prodded Leo, in an effort to not make their leader feel like they thought he was made of glass, but he was less aggressive to the eldest. Instead of throwing barbed insults about Leo’s leading capabilities, the brawler now stood as a sentry for the blue ninja, a bodyguard determined that nothing like this would ever happen again. Unsurprisingly, Leonardo clung to that support. Maybe not physically, as Leo still wanted to prove he was just as capable as he’d always been, maybe just a little bruised, but not crippled. However, the sight of the red and blue duo sitting close together on the couch, or Leo unconsciously leaning against Raph’s carapace if he was struggling not to spiral, was now a common one.
Donnie smiled, happily working on his latest project. Yeah, they’d been knocked down, and Leo had almost been lost to them, but they came back. Just as they always do. This wasn’t the first time they have to pull together as a family to fight the evils of this world, and it certainly won’t be the last, but for now, the genius was content to whisper a prayer of gratitude that this was just one more victory that they could add to the growing tally of successes.
Before you say anything, yes…..I’m mean to Leo and I’m so sorry….but this one shot grabbed me by the face!
I know Leo may seem OOC, and I understand that. I just wanted to offer a semi-realistic take on trauma and what it does to a person’s body and brain. To any readers who read this and it brought up unhappy memories, I’m sorry. I hope at least I was able to write something that will bring better understanding to the battle too many people fight.