Work Text:
Deep in the heart of his base, Zim stomped about, alternating between contemplative plotting and angry grumbling as ideas failed to immediately come to him. And while this was a fairly normal state of affairs for him, any outside observers may be surprised to learn that this had nothing to do with conquering Earth, and was of a more personal nature.
"Grrraaahhh! Why is it so hard to find a proper gift for my love-pig on this pitiful human love holiday!" he screeched, banging his head against a console as numerous screens displayed various Valentine's Day advertisements and gift deals.
"Why not just get her meat? Isn't that the whole point of this thing?" the Computer suggested, not really interested in helping but hoping to shut up Zim's whining.
"My Gaz-Mate cares not for gifts of meat. She says that she finds the idea of offering it as a token of affection to be disgusting," Zim explained, shuddering at the memory of the time he'd offered Gaz some hot dogs and ended up in a full body cast for three months afterwards. Apparently, it reminded her too much of the whole "Pig Girl" thing.
"Well, how about flowers and candy, those are pretty standard, aren't they?"
"Exactly! They're too cliché, she deserves something more original!"
"Then just get her something video game-related, that's what she cares about the most," the Computer sighed, already tired of this conversation.
"Except she already has all the newest games and consoles! Anything I get her would be redundant!" Zim growled, slumping against his chair.
"Oh, I give up," the Computer grumbled, earning a glare from Zim. However, before he could snap anything, a rumble sounded from the digestive track of his squeedlyspooch.
"Bah, I need a break. My incredible Zim brain will function better when I'm not hungry," he muttered, getting up and heading towards the nearest elevator.
"Okay. But you should probably put a disguise on, since Keef is here," the Computer commented, which brought Zim up short.
"WHAT?! Why didn't you tell me sooner?!" he demanded.
"You always said never to bother you when you're busy unless Dib's breaking in or the Tallest are calling," the Computer replied. Zim's eye twitched at the response, and with a snarl he threw his disguise on and shot himself up the elevator, practically bursting out of the kitchen trashcan.
"Keef!" he snarled as he landed on the floor.
"Hiya, buddy!" Keef said from where he was standing next to the oven with GIR, "Me and GIR are making brownies! You want some?"
"No! And stop coming into Zim's house! I despise you and don't want you here!" Zim snapped.
"Do you want cupcakes instead?" Keef asked, oblivious as always to Zim's sheer hatred for him.
ZAP
CRASH
A blast from one of Zim's PAK legs hit Keef square in the chest, sending him flying to smash through the kitchen window and into the adjacent window of the neighbor's house.
"Martha! We got children flying through the windows again!" the neighbor man could be heard shouting to his wife as robotic arms descended from the ceiling to start fixing Zim's window. GIR, meanwhile, seemed to neither notice or care about his baking partner's sudden absence, pulling a tray of freshly-baked treats out of the oven.
"Brownies are ready!" the dog-disguised robot declared. Despite his earlier denial, Zim grabbed one and started munching on it as he walked into the living room to sit on the couch.
"Just what I need on top of everything else, dealing with that friendship monster," Zim grumbled around the snack in his mouth, "As if I didn't have enough of a headache already. My gift for my Gaz-Mate must be perfect, otherwise she might think the impossible and believe that Zim is not perfect! I cannot allow myself any distractions from this task, I must find the greatest Valentine's present that's ever been Valentined!"
"Ah, don't worry pal, you can do it! I believe in you!" Keef said from his spot next to Zim on the couch, patting him on the shoulder.
"Yes, thank you, I-ACK!" Zim yelped in surprise and jumped up away from the couch as he realized what was happening, nearly choking on the brownie in his mouth before he managed to spit it out.
"How do you keep doing that?!" he demanded, looking between Keef on the couch, the window that was still being repaired, and the still closed and locked front door.
"Do what?" Keef asked, seemingly genuinely confused, which only increased Zim's anger.
"Grrrrr, just get out! Zim has no time to deal with you today! I must come up with a Valentine's present for my love-pig, and I can't do that with you distracting me with your disgusting cheerfulness!" Zim yelled.
"Ooh, I know! How about a picnic!" Keef suggested, "Give her some of her favorite food at a nice romantic location, and she's sure to love it!"
"…Hmm, I can't believe I'm saying this, but that's not a completely terrible idea," Zim reluctantly said after considering it for a few moments.
"Yeah, I know!" Keef said excitedly, "The three of us are gonna have a great time!"
"Three of us?!" Zim exclaimed in outrage, any grudging respect he might have had for the annoying human suddenly gone, "Why in Irk's name would you be coming along on our date?!"
"Well, the more the merrier, right?" Keef said.
Eye twitching, Zim pulled a plasma grenade out of his PAK. Arming it, he shoved it into Keef's mouth, then grabbed him by the shoulders and quickly dragged him to the front door, ripping it open and tossing Keef out onto the lawn.
BOOM
Seconds later, the grenade detonated, seemingly vaporizing Keef and leaving a huge smoking crater on the lawn. Barely bothering to register this – mostly because he unfortunately knew that it wouldn't be the ginger irritant's final end – Zim slammed the door with a slam.
"You know, creepiness aside, he had a point," the Computer commented, "Setting up a romantic scenario like that, you may not need the gift itself to be all that important."
Zim grimaced at the thought of giving Keef credit for anything, as that kind of positive reinforcement would just make him worse, but that didn't change the fact that like the Computer said, the suggestion had merit. If he couldn't come up with a perfect gift, then perhaps a perfect setting for the gift-giving would have to do instead.
"Hmm, yes, this can work," Zim mused, scratching his chin in thought, "Gaz-Mate is not easily impressed, but if I can find the right location, it will surely win her over!"
"Whoo! That's right, go Zim!" Keef shouted from where he was pressing his only slightly-burned face up against the window.
"Will you go away already?!" Zim yelled, as his lawn gnomes activated and came up behind Keef to grab him.
"Okay buddy, good luck! I'll be back tomorrow to help out some more!" Keef said, as chipper as always even as the gnomes dragged him away, forced open a manhole cover, and dropped him down into it. Only when the manhole was welded in place did Zim allow himself to look away from the window and finally refocus on the task at hand.
"Now then, like Zim was saying, I must find the perfect romantic place to have this date," he said, "Something that will truly captivate her brilliantly dark mind, and have her in such a good mood that she will enjoy my present no matter what I come up with for it."
"Don't forgets the food!" GIR added around the tray-full of brownies he'd stuffed in his mouth. And yes, that included the tray itself too.
"Yes, yes, food… hmm, that's a thought," Zim said, eyes lighting up as an idea came to him, "Yes, that's it! It's genius, as to be expected from Zim, but this is genius even by my amazing brilliance!"
Zim laughed dramatically at that, only to trail off awkwardly after several moments and look around.
"…Huh, I was half-expecting him to show up again. Guess he finally hit a limit for the day, thank Irk," the Irken muttered to himself. Shaking it off, he recomposed himself and marched over to the trashcan to head back down to the lab, to begin working on his new idea for Gaz's gift.
A Few Days Later, Valentine's Day
After days of plotting and hard work, Zim's romantic plan was finally ready to go into motion, just in time for the holiday. As the day dawned, he was in the main control room of his lab, giving everything a final look over before he put it all into motion.
"Yes, everything is just perfect," he said, smoothing out imaginary wrinkles of his uniform to make sure he looked perfect for his love-pig. Speaking of whom, he doublechecked their text message exchanges to make sure she had the right time and place to meet him at; the last thing he needed was for her to have misunderstood him and ended up at the wrong place, or shown up too early and viewed Zim as being late. The subsequent beating that such events would result in would counteract all of Zim's hard work and ruin any chance at romance for the day, and he would not accept such a failure!
"Excellent," he purred, upon confirming that everything was properly conveyed, "Now I just have to go and meet Gaz and present her with my gift, which combined with the setting will make it completely impossible for her not to like it. And then-"
"You know I know all this already, right?" the Computer sighed, "Why do you always feel the need to rant about your plans in detail every single time like this?"
Zim glared at the ceiling, but for once decided against ranting over the perceived slight, if only because a glance at the clock showed that he couldn't afford to waste time on it. So, he only huffed and put on his disguise, carefully adjusting his wig and made his way up to the surface.
"Come, GIR! My Gaz-Mate awaits, and unfortunately, I still need you to help me set everything up," Zim said, walking past where GIR was seated on the couch and towards the front door, "Now then, don't forget the- Seriously?!"
Zim's good mood immediately crashed and burned as he opened the door and was greeted by the sight of Keef standing right outside, holding a pile of meat in his arms that was almost bigger than he was.
"Hiya, buddy! Happy Valentine's Day!" Keef greeted, "I got you a bunch of platonic friend gift meat!"
"Zim does not want your meat, your friendship, or your existence!" Zim snapped, grimacing at the meat so close to his face, "And even if I did, I have no time for this! I'm off to my date with my love-pig!"
"Oh right, I forgot. So, where are we meeting Gaz?" Keef asked, oblivious as to why Zim's eye started twitching.
"Again with this nonsense?! There is no 'we' here, just me and her! You are not invited!" Zim yelled, before turning to where GIR was still seated on the couch, "GIR! Use the barbeque sauce!"
"Yes sir!" GIR said, switching to duty mode. Jumping off of the couch, the hood of his dog costume fell back to expose his head, which opened to allow a contraption to pop out, which looked like a firehose attached to a giant bottle labeled "Extra Spicy BBQ".
"Oh boy, I love barbeque sauce!" Keef said, right before being sprayed with a stream of sauce so powerful he went flying not just across Zim's lawn but straight across the street, smashing through the fence surrounding one of the houses on that side and crashing into the house's side. The strength of the spray pinned him there for several minutes, and when it finally stopped, he was left in a heap, his pile of meat stuck to him by the sauce.
"Woo! Can we do that again?" he asked.
"Grrrrrr…" something growled nearby. Blinking, Keef turned to the side and saw that he had landed next to a large German Shepard chained to a post in the yard. It was baring its teeth at him, though whether it was because it was mad at his intrusion or hungry for the meat covering him, he came to his own conclusion.
"Hi puppy, you want to be friends?" he asked. In response, the dog howled and launched itself at him, teeth tearing into both the meat and his flesh.
As Keef screamed from the mauling he was receiving, Zim smirked but didn't allow himself to take the time to stay and enjoy it. Instead, he marched down the street, GIR following after him after helping himself to several pieces of meat that Keef had dropped when he'd been sprayed.
XXXXXXX
Gaz walked down the street, barely managing to crush the urge to puke at the various open acts of cheery romantic garbage she saw all around her. Everywhere she looked, couples were running around being totally obnoxious, acting lovey-dovey, publicly making out and using disgustingly cute nicknames, and doing over-the-top displays of affection – one guy had actually brought along an entire band to help him serenade his partner at a café, much to the staff's apparent disgruntlement.
Dear sweet Bloaty, it made her sick to her stomach. Whatever "incredible special surprise from my amazing brilliant mind" that Zim said he had in store for her better not be anything this sappy, or she'd turn him inside out. Especially when her own present for him was obviously much more sensible.
Shaking her head to clear it, Gaz turned away from the sidewalk when she neared her destination and started climbing a small hill. Reaching the top, she looked around, and saw that there wasn't much to see; aside from a single tree with a beat-up old picnic table at its base, there was nothing else there. And other than that, there was nothing else in the general area to speak of either, other than a view of the freeway, cars as always crammed practically bumper-to-bumper with each other and honking furiously in futile efforts to move the traffic along.
"Is this it?" she spat, "Zim, you'd better have something big up your sleeve, or I swear…"
"Gaz-Mate!"
And speak of the devil, here came Zim now, not quite running up the hill. with GIR skipping along at his heels. Reaching Gaz, Zim bent over for a moment to catch his breath, then straightened back up and beamed at her.
"Happy day of hearts and romance, my love-pig!" he said happily. In response, Gaz merely crossed her arms and frowned at him.
"Zim, you better have had a good reason to drag me out here," she said, "And it better not be anything sappy, I've got enough of that just looking at all those idiots on the street."
"Not to worry my mate, unlike those dirt-monkeys, Zim has no sap in his gift for you!" he declared, "But first thing's first. GIR, provide the entertainment!"
"Stage right!" GIR replied, pulling his hood down and opening his head. Rummaging around in it for just long enough to make Zim worry, he finally brought out several large rockets, which sprang to life and roared over to the freeway. They promptly exploded in midair, though rather than flames, they dispersed some sort of cloud that misted over the roads, though didn't seem to actually do anything.
"Was there a point to that?" Gaz asked flatly.
"Wait for it," Zim replied. Gaz scoffed at that, but before she could say anything else, loud crashing sounds filled the air. Looking towards the source of it, she arched an eyebrow as every car on the portion of the freeway hit by the mist suddenly seemed to speed up all at once, slamming into each other and creating a massive pileup. As she watched, drivers started clambering out of their wrecked cars and screaming at each other over whose fault it was perceived as being, physical fights soon breaking out.
"Your present was to start a riot?" she asked.
"No, that's just the entertainment," he replied, "Does this please you?"
"Well, I do like watching idiots get beat up, and me not having to lift a finger to do it is a nice touch," she mused, "What was in that mist, anyway? Some kind of hate plague?"
"Nothing quite that complex. It's just an ultra-lubricant, designed to remove almost all friction and increase all surface slickness," Zim explained, "As soon as it was applied to the road, any movement from the vehicles on it immediately caused them to go to maximum speed, beyond the drivers' ability to control on such short notice, and crash into the ones outside the affected zone. After that, it was just a matter of letting the pig-smellies give into the natural anger that this hideously ineffective traffic system generates."
Gaz hummed in appreciation at that, watching as random fires started popping up around the pileup, the rioting commuters going after each other with whatever they could get their hands on. As she watched, one guy somehow found a folding chair and started hitting people with it like he was a pro wrestler.
"Well, this is fun, but you said you had an actual present?" she asked after a few minutes of watching the chaos.
"But of course! Only the best for Zim's mate!" Zim declared, pulling a small wrapped bundle out of his PAK. Not exactly impressed by the size, she nonetheless took it and quickly unwrapped it, and merely blinked at what was inside.
"What's this supposed to be?" she asked, holding the small remote control with a single red button on it under a screen.
"Press it and find out," Zim replied smugly. Gaz frowned at that, but decided to hold off on smacking him for it until she saw how stupid the gift was, so instead just pressed the button. In response, the screen lit up, data scrolling by too fast for her to comprehend.
"Location confirmed, standby for asset delivery," a monotone voice announced from the device, Gaz arching an eyebrow at that but deciding to wait to see what that meant.
Meanwhile, far out of Gaz's sight, a satellite marked with the Irken insignia was floating in orbit. Receiving a signal from the button Gaz had pressed, the satellite moved, indiscriminately smashing aside human satellites until it was in position directly above her spot on the Earth. It then unfolded, allowing a large cannon to emerge from its bottom, which after a few seconds to aim, fired a projectile that zoomed down towards the planet.
At the same time, back on the hill, Gaz was still standing there waiting for something to happen, with Zim still looking just as smug. She was just about to hit the end of her patience, when a rustling sound brought the couple's attention to some nearby bushes. They turned to look at them, and were dumbfounded as Keef emerged from them, carrying boxes of Valentine's-themed candy.
"Hi guys! Am I late? I brought candy!" he exclaimed happily.
"You invited Keef? Seriously?" Gaz asked flatly, shooting Zim a glare.
"Of course not!" Zim snapped, looking offended at the suggestion, "He invited himself! And kept doing it no matter how many times I told him that he wasn't wanted!"
"Good one, buddy!" Keef replied, still as ignorant as always of the hatred aimed at him. Zim growled, and was about to do more, but paused as he noticed a shadow forming on the ground next to Keef, growing larger by the second. Looking up into the sky to confirm what was causing it, he smirked.
"Actually, Keef? Could you do Zim a big favor and take two steps to your right?" he asked with fake friendliness, causing Gaz to look at him in confusion.
"Sure thing!" he replied as he did so, "Now what?"
SMASH
And that was when something fell out of the sky and landed right on top of Keef. When the resulting dust cloud cleared, Gaz was only slightly surprised to see a large cubical device of Irken-style purple metal now sitting there, Keef's legs sticking out from under it like the Wicked Witch of the East. In fact, as she watched, the legs then curled up and disappeared from sight, just like in the movie.
"…Okay, that was kinda cool," she said after taking a minute to process what just happened, "Not sure if getting Keef involved was worth it, but a 'death from above'-type weapon could come in handy."
"Oh no, that was just a happy coincidence," Zim stated. And before Gaz could question him further, a pinging sound drew her attention back to the cube, and her eyes widened in shock as it opened up to reveal a large, steaming-hot pizza.
"A pizza chemically calibrated to have the perfect taste and heated to the ideal temperature," Zim explained, "And the best part is that the Oven Satellite that I created is capable of delivering it to any location within five feet of wherever you're standing when you hit the button on that homing device, within a minute of you doing so. So, no more needing to wait for the delivery humans, or even needing to pay for it. Your most treasured food, at your near-instant disposal whenever you want it."
Gaz's jaw was slack as she stared at the pizza, mind blanking as she processed what she'd just been told. This went on long enough that Zim started to fidget nervously.
"Er, so do you-MMPH!" he started to ask, only to be cut off as Gaz suddenly grabbed him by the collar and brought him in for a kiss, which he quickly melted into as he realized what was happening.
"Congratulations," she said when she finally broke the kiss, "You managed to make a gift that was genuinely sweet instead of completely idiotic."
"Ahhhh," Zim mumbled, too out of it with joy to register how backhanded that compliment was. Seeing this, Gaz rolled her eyes.
"So, do you want your present now too?" she asked, which snapped Zim out of it.
"You got Zim a present?" he asked, intrigued and happy.
"Of course I did, I'm not a jackass," she said defensively, pulling a box out of her pocket. Grinning eagerly, Zim snatched it from her and tore the wrapping off before opening the box, revealing what appeared to be a small, rather basically-designed handheld gaming console.
"Eh? Well, I guess that's to be expected," he muttered, trying not to sound disappointed. After all, considering Gaz's love of games, the fact that she got him one should probably be considered a huge gesture.
"You haven't seen the best part yet. Turn it on," she said with a smirk. Intrigued by her tone, Zim turned the console on, and narrowed an eye in confusion as he was greeted by the sight of Dib floating in a void, while a list of some sort filled the side of the screen next to him.
"You got me a virtual copy of Dib?" he asked.
"Oh, that's not a copy, that's actually him," Gaz said. Zim could only blink at that, so she clarified, "I ever tell you about that time I took over an alternate universe ruled by gamers and enslaved Dib inside games to teach him a lesson? Well, he was being an ass about us dating again while I was in the middle of trying to think of a gift for you, so I decided to do something similar to solve two problems at once by making him into a gift for you."
"Gaz! Let me out! This is overkill!" Dib's voice came over the console's speakers as he flailed dramatically in the void.
"How does this work?" Zim asked eagerly.
"The buttons on the right let you scroll through the list of options of things to do to him, and the button on the left activates your selection," Gaz explained. Zim hummed at that, scrolling through the list and seeing that most of the options seemed to be codenames rather than exact descriptions, which he assumed was part of the fun. So, at random he picked one marked "Home Run", and watched as baseballs started flying from every direction, slamming into Dib with harsh smacks.
"Oof! Ah! Gack!" he cried out, before being buried under a pile of balls. Laughing at this, Zim scrolled through the list again and selecting one called "Tesla". This caused the baseballs to disappear, but before a bewildered Dib could even try to be happy about that-
ZAP
-he was suddenly struck by lightning, his skeleton briefly becoming visible as he spasmed from the voltage. And then he wasn't even given a chance to recover from that, as Zim randomly hit an option labeled "Pamplona".
"MOOO!"
"Oh, come on-AHHH!" Dib cried out as a stampeding herd of cows suddenly rushed in from one side of the screen and trampled him.
"Mwahahahahahaha! Zim could get used to this!" Zim cackled in delight.
"Yeah, well, to be clear, this is only for today," Gaz cut in before Zim could get carried away, "After all, believe it or not, Dad would eventually notice if Dib just up and disappeared. So, I'm eventually going to let him out – but it if makes you feel any better, that thing automatically records everything on it, so you'll always have videos to relieve the experience with."
"Meh, Zim can live with that," he said with a shrug, before gesturing to the picnic table, "Come, my love-pig, let us get comfortable and enjoy our gifts together."
Giving a rare genuine smile, Gaz grabbed the pizza out of the delivery pod and joined Zim at the table. The two then spent several hours seated there, enjoying the pizza and Zim's virtual torment of Dib, while GIR sat off to the side, helping himself to popcorn as he watched the ongoing freeway riot. Eventually, the couple called it a day and left together, neither bothering to grab GIR, who had curled up to nap on the grass at some point.
However, shortly after they left, a banging noise woke GIR up and drew his attention to the pizza delivery pod. Looking at it with his head cocked to the side, he watched as the pod started denting from the inside out, something clearly trying to force its way out. And after a few minutes, with a massive tearing of metal, it burst its way out of the top.
"Wow, look at me, I'm all cheesy!" yelled a massive, vaguely humanoid blob of pizza shaped like Keef. He examined his cheesy, pepperoni-covered body for a moment, before noticing GIR looking at him nearby, "Oh, hi GIR! Wanna play?"
"Imma gonna eat your head!" GIR exclaimed cheerfully, before launching himself at Keef, latching onto his head and burrowing into it, cheese and sauce flying everywhere.
"Aw, I'm always happy to help a friend!" Keef said, uncaring about being devoured, so long as his suffering helped someone he cared about.
And really, isn't that what the holidays are all about?