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“My tenderness, my happiness, what words can I write for you? How strange that although my life’s work is moving a pen over paper, I don’t know how to tell you how I love, how I desire you. Such agitation — and such divine peace."
― vladimir nabokov, letters to vera
What you give me in the way of love is the blood that flows through my heart, I have none of my own.
Franz Kafka, 1913.
Please don’t be frightened if you feel my lips on the back of your neck, I didn’t mean to kiss it, it’s only love which can’t be helped.
Franz Kafka, 1920.
💍
If you ask Jaehyun how he knew, he can definitely tell you about the night of February 8th.
There was nothing special on that day. In fact, it was particularly bad. Jaehyun answered his prelim recit badly and he fears he may fail Torts. Nasalo pa niya ang galit ni Atty. Jimenez dahil nasigawan siya. Habang nagda-drive siya pauwi, hindi umuusad ang traffic dahil may banggaan sa Skyway. Parang sasabog na ang ulo niya sa sobrang daming iniisip. Ang apartment na sobrang dumi na isa at kalahating buwan nang di nalilinisan, ang polo shirt niya na hindi pa napaplantsa para bukas, ang aaralin niya para sa Tax na kulang na lang singhutin niya ang mga salita sa codal para lang maintindihan.
So he goes home in the worst mood ever, and it's really late, and Donghyuck must be sleeping. Hindi man lang niya ito nasabayan kumain ng hapunan. He catches his reflection in the elevator and realizes he hasn't shaved this week, but it's the least of his concern. Pagod na pagod na siya. Hindi niya alam kung pipiliin niya ba ang tulog o mag review para sa Tax.
He trudges, shoulders hunched, body too exhausted to make his footsteps silent. Inilabas niya ang susi at binuksan ang apartment nila. He removes his shoes at the entrance, almost missing the way all of their shoes are properly arranged in the shoe rack, if not for the absence of them on the floor. Kaninang umaga, natapakan niya ang Sambas ni Donghyuck sa kamamadali niyang isuot ang dress shoes. He remembers most of their shoes being scattered on the floor, too. Huh. That's weird.
When he walks inside, he's greeted by a Men I Trust song playing on their speaker, and Donghyuck is standing in the middle of the living room, hands on his waist, contemplating something.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Bati ni Jaehyun at lumapit dito. Donghyuck spots him and opens his arms wide, and Jaehyun just crashes in his arms, letting his weight fall to him.
He's really so exhausted. He almost falls asleep when Donghyuck runs his hands on his hair and kisses his temple.
"Do you like the new arrangement? Sorry nilipat ko yung couch. It's kinda getting in the way pagpasok ng sala."
Arrangement? Jaehyun opens his eyes and nawala ang badtrip niya sa mundo nang makita ang apartment nilang sobrang linis. The couch has a new cover, the kitchen has no dirty dishes, the floor is spotless. Jaehyun's handouts, books, and readings are no longer stacked haphazardly against each other on the dining table– they're in his study table where it's supposed to be. Ang mga labahin nilang nakatambak malapit sa CR ay napalitan na ng bagong labang mga damit na nakaayos sa basket.
“You cleaned?” he asks, a bit in awe.
Donghyuck proudly grins. “Like a good little house husband.”
And Jaehyun really shouldn’t be feeling like this, really, because it’s such an old man thing to feel happy coming home to a clean apartment, pero nagpatong patong na yata ang inis ng buong mundo sa kanya and his cute boyfriend just spend the better half of his day cleaning , so he thinks it’s justified.
He held Donghyuck’s face quickly and started kissing him senseless. Jaehyun can hear him giggling in between kisses, he thinks the other likes it when he’s kissing him in succession and not in one go. Pinaulanan niya ito ng halik sa mukha at tawa lang ng tawa si Donghyuck.
“Thank you, love.” sabi niya rito. Donghyuck looks down shyly, hitting Jaehyun’s ribs with his elbow.
“For what? It’s my apartment too.”
“Am I not allowed to thank you?”
“You can. You should.”
“Tama.”
“I’m always right.” Donghyuck juts out his chin proudly, giggling after.
Jaehyun feels like his heart is about to burst at the sight of him. His Donghyuck. His greatest love. Standing in front of him so close, but it isn’t enough. He wants no distance coming between them, he wants his skin to always be grazing his, he wants their bodies intertwined somehow.
“Yes, yes you are.” He whispers, lovestruck. “Always.”
Donghyuck seems to be pleased, because he holds Jaehyun’s jaw in one hand and tiptoes to give him a kiss, but all he could think about is how empty his finger is and how a diamond ring would look good glistening against the light.
💍
“There’s a law that lets wives retain their surname even after marriage diba?” Donghyuck asks him one day as they’re hanging in a new cafe in Marikina. He’s neck deep in readings and Donghyuck’s just chilling, playing the Sims on his laptop across. Gusto lang daw siya nitong samahan para hindi siya mag-aral mag-isa.
“Yes,” sagot niya, flipping a page in his codal as he highlights a sentence. “A married woman has the option, but not a duty, to use the surname of the husband– sabi nga sa prevailing jurisprudence.”
“Ooh, talaga? Recite mo nga, love.” Donghyuck says excitedly. He always asks Jaehyun the most out of left field questions (like “will I go to jail if I make someone laugh so hard they die?”) and have him recite the laws justifying his answer.
Jaehyun stops reading, looking up to remember it. “Article 370 of the Civil Code. A married woman may use, one, her maiden first name and surname and add her husband’s surname, or two, her maiden first name and her husband’s surname, or, three her husband’s full name, but prefixing a word indicating that she is his wife, such as “Mrs.”
Donghyuck claps after. “Wow, galing naman!”
Umingos siya. “Nothing extraordinary about it.”
“It is! Di ko nga alam ‘yan.”
“Well, I’m required to know it so I have to remember it.”
“So? That doesn’t make you less good. You remember it word for word, you know it by heart. I can name every element in the periodic table but I don’t even know shit about family law.”
Umiling na lang siya. There’s no way of winning with him.
“Anyway,” Donghyuck says, leaning back on the leather chair. “I’m not a woman, but when we get married, I'll get your surname.”
Napatingala si Jaehyun. He can feel his ears and neck getting red. When, sabi ni Donghyuck. Not if.
“You don’t want to be a Lee forever?”
“Hindi pa ako tapos.” He takes a sip of his mocha latte and Jaehyun grabs a tissue to wipe the excess off his lips. “I meant, I’ll be ano, Engr. Donghyuck Louise Lee-Jeong. Siyempre may Lee pa rin, I like being a Lee.”
“Hmmm.” and he wouldn’t take that away from him. Walang kaso kay Jaehyun kahit apelyido pa nito ang kunin niya. Jaehyun Khai Lee has a ring to it anyway.
“But I also want to be your husband, you know! Dapat parehas tayo ng apilyedo para cute.”
“Of course.”
“Love, pag naging engineer na ako, ipagmayabang mo’ko sa lahat ng kakilala mo ah.” Donghyuck giggles, drawing hearts on a tissue with one of his highlighters.
“Silly,” He grazes Donghyuck’s cheek with his knuckle. Hindi yata nito alam kung gaano siya ka proud dito. Everytime his blockmates ask him about his boyfriend, he always says he’s dating a future Nobel Prize winner for Chemistry. Still, even if he wasn’t on track to being someone great, ipagmamayabang pa rin siya ni Jaehyun. For him to love such a kind, earnest, hard working, and lovely person like Donghyuck is an honor for him. “I always boast about you.”
“What do you tell people ba?”
Doyoung once told him he looks at Donghyuck like Cupid just struck him with fifty arrows because one doesn’t even justify how in love he looks. He might just be right.
“That out of all my achievements, being loved by you is what I’m the most proud of.”
💍
Four days later, he wakes up to a thousand kisses all over his face.
"Happy birthday to you!" Donghyuck sings while kissing his eyelid. "Happy birthday to you!" And his forehead. "Happy birthday dear Jaehyun," And on his lips, making him smile sleepily. "Happy birthday to you!"
"Thank you, love." sagot niya, paos pa. He opens his eyes and Donghyuck is sitting on the edge of the bed, carrying a lopsided heart cake with sloppy pink icing and blueberries on top. It has three lit candles around some white icing that says "Happy birthday, my Valentine!"
He sits up to kiss Donghyuck gratefully, and feels his heart dip when Donghyuck responds. The yellow lamp is rubbing off its hue on Donghyuck and Jaehyun feels time stop, only his lips on the other that matters at this moment.
Nang humiwalay sila ay tinignan niya ang digital clock sa bedside table at nakitang eksaktong alas dose na ng umaga.
"Blow your cake!" Donghyuck urges.
"Okay," he says hoarsely. He closes his eyes, and puts his hands together.
I wish for Donghyuck's happiness, today and forever. May the love he gives come back to him tenfold.
Oh, and sana makapasa ako ng third year.
Jaehyun opens his eyes and blows out his candles, as Donghyuck says "yay!". Jaehyun fluffs his hair and swipes some icing on his finger.
"How is it?" Donghyuck asks eagerly, with stars in his eyes. He's so fucking pretty.
"So good," sagot niya. Even if it was too sweet or magically salty he would still say it's good. He knows Donghyuck gave his best and he doesn't have the heart to discourage his effort. Importante palagi ang kaligayahan nito. "Tastes like blueberries."
"It is! It's a lemon blueberry cake! Nakita ko yung recipe sa Instagram and I wanted to follow it." Inilagay niya ang cake sa lamesa at tinikman din ito.
Jaehyun feels so endeared that he gets the urge to swipe his finger again and put some icing on Donghyuck's cheek. Ang walang kamalay malay na boyfriend niya ay napatigil at sinamaan siya ng tingin. It makes him laugh lightly, pressing his nose with a clean finger this time.
"Cute mo."
"Hoy Jaehyun wag mo kong simulan ah. Gusto mo bang langgamin paggising kasi gagantihan talaga kita, makikita mo."
He cannot take Donghyuck seriously when he looks like a doll pouting, red lips full and his cute face unimpressed. He feels so giddy for no reason. God, his boyfriend is so cute!
"Tanda mo na, love. 26 ka na."
"Hey, that's pretty young."
"It's four years away from thirty." Asar ni Hyuck.
"Thirty is young, darling. You won't be smiling like that if you're 26 na." Giit niya.
"Yeah but you'll be 29 by then, and I'd still be younger, and cuter, and prettier."
Jaehyun gives him a peck. "You're always cute and pretty."
"Of course!" Donghyuck says proudly. "My face is my best asset."
"Right," Jaehyun agrees, kissing him on the lips again. Hindi niya mapigilan.
"And my sexy brain."
"Of course, love." He gives him another peck.
"And my one hundred talents."
"Correct." A kiss on the side of the lips this time.
"And ang gwapo kong boyfriend na halik nang halik, pinanggigigilan yata ako. Pasalamat siya birthday niya ngayon." Jaehyun giggles and kisses his jaw, endeared entirely by Donghyuck just existing. Sinandal niya ang ulo niya sa balikat nito at hinalikan ang leeg niya.
"Your best asset is your ability to love well," he says quietly. "You make everyone in the room feel loved by doing small things and you think it's something people shouldn't thank you for."
He feels Donghyuck's arms on him, and Jaehyun feels like he's floating with happiness. "It's your birthday. Today's not about me."
"Jaehyun's not Jaehyun without his Donghyuck. I am wherever you are. What's mine is yours." he answers simply.
Donghyuck giggles. "Love naman, para ka namang nagsasabi ng wedding vows."
He just hums. That did sound like it, but Jaehyun was just saying what he thinks at the moment. "Mas maganda pa diyan wedding vows ko, promise."
"Siguro pag kinasal tayo di na ako makakapagsalita ng maayos kasi iyak lang ako ng iyak."
Napatawa siya. That seems likely.
"It's okay. You can say your vows when we're all alone."
"Eh panget naman 'yan! Wala na ilalagay yung videographer sa same day edit!"
"Sus, it's our wedding. Everything is literally up to us to do what we want."
"No." Giit ni Donghyuck. "Mag-iisip na lang ako ng funny memory para hindi ako iyak ng iyak."
Pinisil niya ang ilong nito. "Let's worry about that when we actually get married, okay?"
When, not if. Just like how Donghyuck said it.
"Okay!" Donghyuck beams. "Excited na ako maging mister mo."
"Uh huh."
"I'll be so insufferable. I'd bring up the fact that I'm married to you to every person I meet. "Did you know asawa ko si Jaehyun Jeong? Yeah the brilliant lawyer Jaehyun Khai Jeong. I'm his young, smart, hot husband." Ganyan ang mga linya ko love."
"Ano pa?" Jaehyun encourages, a huge grin on his face. Oh God, he’s so fucking cute. Jaehyun’s already thinking of a Neruda quote about love to impress him.
"I'll show my ring to everyone. Like, I'd fix my hair and be like," Donghyuck demonstrates, flicking his hair and making an obvious show of his fingers, fake laughing. "Oh, this? Yeah, I'm actually married. Oh you wanna see my husband? Yeah susundoin niya ako mamaya, actually."
He's so funny. Jaehyun’s shoulders are shaking from laughter.
"Yung wedding ring mo din dapat makintab para masisilaw ang kung sinong magbabalak na magka crush sa'yo. Yung tipong maiilawan lang slight mabubulag na sila. Para alam nila kung kanino ka lang."
"Opo," Jaehyun answers dutifully.
"Tapos dapat yung mukha ko dapat nasa calling card mo para mabantayan pa din kita ng maayos."
"What?" Jaehyun chuckles, incredulous.
"Alam ko talaga may kliyente o katrabaho na magkakacrush sa'yo so dapat makikita nila ako agad so they don't get ideas."
"Dapat lang." he agrees, obviously humoring him.
"Naku love, hindi ko ata kaya pag aattend ka na ng hearing. Magseselos ako sa RTC kasi nakikita ka nila palagi."
"I live with you," he points out.
"Eh iba pa rin yung Jaehyun At Home sa Lawyer Jaehyun, I wanna see Lawyer Jaehyun too! I wanna see every side of you. Mula sa Competitive Jaehyun to Tulo Laway Matulog Jaehyun to Competent Lawyer Jaehyun."
"Mmmhmm."
Donghyuck’s gaze softens, lips sticking out in a pout. "Ang sarap mong ipagdamot pero hindi pwede. You're so lovely na dapat malaman ng lahat ng tao how excellent you are as a person."
Hinalikan niya ang noo nito at kinuha ang kamay para hawakan. His urge to play with a ring in Donghyuck’s finger tells him to start browsing jewelry stores whenever he has the time. "That's not true. You're lovelier than me."
“No I’m not! Mas lovely ka! Tignan mo, I don’t have dimples as cute as yours,” Donghyuck pokes his cheek. “And malambing lang ako pero mas malambing ka.”
“No I’m not.” he denies. Donghyuck is the whiniest person he knows who always asks for affection. Jaehyun doesn’t get why he’s saying that.
“Yes you are! You’re literally born on Valentines, hearts day! That makes you the loveliest guy in the world!”
"Eh how would I compare to you, you're literally an angel," he says helplessly, making Donghyuck blush.
"Shut up. Shut the fuck up."
"Hey, no swearing. It's my birthday today."
"Oh I'll swear at you. I'll really swear at you. Tangina mo–"
Jaehyun tilts his head to shut him up with his lips. Donghyuck tastes like blueberries, and he wants more. He wants more.
More. Jaehyun finds his tongue, sucking it lightly. More.
💍
Two New Years ago, they finished the whole bottle of wine Jaehyun bought with his Christmas money. It’s sitting somewhere on the white rug, and Jaehyun will agonize about cleaning it tomorrow, but for now he’s under Donghyuck, kissing him slowly, taking what he would let him have, inching closer because nothing will ever be enough to satisfy his want to always be near him.
“I love you,” he whispers. Donghyuck smiles against his lips, painfully beautiful. His warmth is perfect and grounds him when his mind threatens to fly away, the wine getting to his head, making everything hazy and slow.
“I love you better,”
This is not a contest. Jaehyun thinks. Donghyuck always wants to win at everything, and Jaehyun is no better. He wanted to tell him he loves him more, but realizes halfway he loves Donghyuck more than he wants to win, so he resigns himself to tugging his collar and prodding the other’s mouth open. Donghyuck’s hair is long enough to fall on his face, and he makes a mental note of hiding the scissors in their apartment so he wouldn’t get any ideas.
“Do you know the exact moment I fell in love with you?” he asks, hands finding their way on Donghyuck’s waist.
“No,” Donghyuck breathed into his neck, hot and ticklish. “Tell me.”
“Say it’s true, there’s nothing like me and you,” Jaehyun sings, smiling a dopey smile in between. Recognition dawns on Donghyuck’s face, gaze soft, making him grin.
It’s the song Donghyuck was singing years ago, when Johnny proposed to a clueless Doyoung in a restaurant they rented for the night. He was there to support his best friends, and Donghyuck was there as a favor for his brother.
"You were so pretty," itinago niya ang takas na buhok ni Donghyuck sa likod ng tenga nito. "And– and the light from the restaurant was making you look like you’re glowing. And you were singing like an angel ,” Tinakpan niya ang mata gamit ang likod ng kamay dahil pag naaalala niya ‘yon, nanghihina siya. “And I was supposed to film the whole thing but I was just looking at you. Mabuti na lang naka video si Jungwoo kundi lagot ako sa kuya mo.”
Donghyuck, the love of his life, giggles and looks at him with so much love in his eyes Jaehyun can’t believe it’s for him to enjoy. “Really?”
“Mmhmm.” He starts tracing the moles on his face. “You had me then, and you still have me now.”
“Will I still have you tomorrow?” Donghyuck’s voice sounds fragile, and Jaehyun’s heart aches at the thought of him sounding like that.
“Tomorrow,” he takes his hand and presses a kiss on the inside of his palm. “And next week,” he kisses his wrist, right where his pulse is. “Next month, in the years that are about to come, until you get sick of me.”
“I will never get sick of you.” Donghyuck promises. “Never,”
Jaehyun blinks, pressing Donghyuck’s palm flat where his heart is. He lets him feel the steady beating, eyelashes fluttering like a butterfly’s wings.
“Sa’yo ‘to palagi. Do what you want with it. Break it, kiss it, smash it to pieces, I do not care. As long as it’s in your hands, it’s my pleasure.”
A single tear drops down Donghyuck’s eyes, and Jaehyun hurries to wipe it off. He’s crying. He’s crying and he’s so beautiful. He wants to kiss him and make love with him and never let him go. He has so much love for Donghyuck he doesn’t know what to do with it.
“You dummy,” Donghyuck hits him lightly. “You stupid asshole.”
Jaehyun lays there, letting him be.
“You love me that much, huh?”
He nods, breathless.
Donghyuck wipes his tears off, nodding. He wraps his arms around Jaehyun’s neck, crying on his collarbone. There’s no words uttered, but Jaehyun knows his answer.
💍
“I’m going to marry your brother.”
Johnny blinks at him from the screen of his iPad, slightly taken aback.
“Congratulations.” he greets after recovering. “When did you know?”
“February 8, 2024.” He says, fiddling with his Chrome Hearts bracelet. “Umuwi akong badtrip tas nakita kong naglinis siya ng apartment. I knew then.”
Humalakhak si Johnny ng malakas. Behind him, the New York skyline is proof of how far he’s come with his dream. Johnny’s always wanted to make it big in the States, and now he’s living that dream. Jaehyun’s not quite there yet. His two dreams in life are to become Donghyuck’s husband and be a judge. He needs to catch up.
“So naglinis ng kalat si Hyuck and you thought he was husband material already?”
“It’s not that.” The pendant winks when the fluorescent light hits it. “It’s just– I don’t know. I can’t put it into words. I just knew then. It’s kind of like Jake Peralta’s romantic epiphany, you know? When Amy found a typo in her crossword puzzle, and he immediately knew he wanted to marry her.”
“Okay.” Tumango tango si Johnny at inayos ang lapel ng suit jacket.
“When did you know you wanted to marry Doyoung?” he always wanted to ask this question before, but never really got an answer. He asked this at their wedding when he was standing behind Johnny, but he was so busy looking at Doyoung walking down the aisle that Jaehyun’s question got drowned by his tears.
“Actually,” kumuha ito ng papeles at pumirma. “Do you remember nuong nasiraan ako ng sasakyan pauwi mula sa Los Baños?”
Jaehyun winces. “Right.”
“The one where I called you forty times but you were sleeping your ass off.” sumbat ni Johnny sa kanya. “Anyway, I was shivering in the cold dahil nakasando lang ako nuon, ewan ko ba. Galing akong music fest sa UPLB. I was running out of battery and I decided to call Doyoung. Alam mo namang natutulog ‘yun ng maaga diba? It was 3AM but he answered my call after the fourth ring and didn’t hesitate picking me up. 3AM, Jae. Taga Antipolo siya. He had to borrow Gongmyung’s car to even get me. That’s when I knew.”
“Naging towing service lang si Doie inisip mo na na husband material?” tapon niya pabalik sa linya nito. Johnny rolls his eyes.
“Fuck you. Fine. I’ll admit it. It’s just like Jake Peralta’s typo in the crossword moment, except I was staring at Doyoung still in rabbit pajamas and fluffy penguin house slippers rushing to give me the thickest jacket he could find kasi nangangatong na ako sa lamig. Alam mo ano iniisip ko habang nagmamadali siyang tumakbo?”
“What?”
“He’s going to trip and I have to get out of the car to catch my husband.” Johnny snickers. “My husband! That’s what I thought! And hindi pa kami nag-iisang taon nuon.”
“Down fucking bad, bro.”
Tinapunan siya nito ng tingin. “You’re no better. You look at Dose like you’d rather be dead if you’re not gonna end up with him.”
“Correct,” he confirms, leaning back on the rickety plastic chair of the school library. “It’s him or no one.”
“May singsing ka na ba?”
“Wala pa. I’m still gonna look for one.”
“Hmmm. He likes silver jewelry. The simpler, the better.”
“Noted.”
“And don’t propose to him in a public setting, he hates that.”
“Yeah, he told me before.”
“Are you sure about this, Jaekhai?” sumimsim ito ng kape na lumamig na ata. “This is a lifelong commitment. I don’t want you breaking my brother’s heart over some temporary hope you had.”
Jaehyun shakes his head.
“Him or no one.”
💍
“Say it again,” Donghyuck pleads, holding him hostage on the floor, eyes sparkling. “Again, please.”
“Another of Rilke’s poems?”
“Yes, the lovers on the carpet." Donghyuck nods eagerly. “In German.”
He doesn’t know any more of the Duino Elegies, and he’s not sure if he’s even getting the German right. “Engel!: Es wäre ein Platz, den wir nicht wissen–”
Around them, everything stills, the night falls into a quiet murmur, and Jaehyun’s tripping over the words, trying to roll them off his tongue correctly. Donghyuck looks at him with childlike wonder, his eyes brilliant. The color of charcoal, the sky when it wants to hide its stars, the ocean when there is no moon reflecting it. Black as black can get.
"Und dorten, auf unsäglichem Teppich, zeigten die Liebenden,” it’s a very long stanza. It’s too many words to remember. All he could think about is Donghyuck, Donghyuck, Donghyuck. His name rolls better on his tongue anyway, a familiar sound, a name always welcome on his mouth.
“Donghyuck….” he says, stopping to make space for his lover’s name in his tongue instead of a foreign language. “Donghyuck…”
“Why’d you stop?” Donghyuck giggles, taking his face in his hands, cradling it like it was an injured bird. The only thing hurting inside Jaehyun is his heart, his chest always caves at the sight of him.
"Donghyuck," he says it again, testing every syllable. "Donghyuck, Donghyuck, Donghyuck."
"Mmmhmm." Donghyuck answers. "Right here."
"Donghyuck, Hyuck, Donghyuck Louise…." Jaehyun lays him on the floor gently, a hand under his head. Somehow, his lips find his way to Donghyuck's heart, kissing it above his shirt.
"Jae, what do you want?" Donghyuck sounds like he's ready to give him whatever he names after the question. My god, he shouldn't do that. He should always be complete and never give himself away to Jaehyun. Selfish, selfish Jaehyun. Jaehyun who wants him all to himself. Jaehyun who resents the world because he has to share Donghyuck with it.
Jaehyun shakes his head, his name spilling out his lips like a plea. Donghyuck , Donghyuck.
💍
Every once in a while, when he gets a real break from law school, he spends it by doing nothing in their apartment. His brain’s fried from all the studying so he does nothing to make up for the amount of stress he’s putting his body in.
“Love, look at this.” Donghyuck shoves his phone on his face. He’s sitting on the floor cross legged while Jaehyun’s on the sofa, checking out vinyl shops near him on Instagram.
“Ano ‘yan?” The video shows a man in a mall, kneeling like he's proposing. Around him, a crowd gathers. Nahagip ng camera ang babaeng paalis, and the crowd collectively chants "awww".
"Rejected proposal?" He guesses.
"Uh huh. The woman's getting flamed because nagdala ng banda at nag propose ng engrande 'yang si kuya at na-reject. Bat daw hindi na lang umoo tas hinindian in private."
He scrunches his nose. "Ridiculous."
"Right?! Sobrang bobo. Why do a public proposal knowing you can get rejected?"
Donghyuck lies on the rug, his shirt rising a bit so Jaehyun can see a peek of skin. The afternoon sun envelopes him in a way that makes the moles in his stomach more visible, and Jaehyun wants to kiss them all.
"Mga taong ganyan di talaga nag iisip eh. You're just setting up yourself and your partner for embarrassment. It forces them to say yes for the sake of saving face. Bobo. Nakakainis! Gamitin niyo utak niyo!" He kicks his feet on the floor and then yowls when he hits his ankle on the coffee table. Hindi mapigilan ni Jaehyun ang mapahalakhak habang ngumangawa ito sa sakit. Ayan kasi.
"Don't laugh!" Angal ni Donghyuck habang hinihimas ang paa. Jaehyun is still laughing as he slithers to the floor and takes his ankle to his lap and caresses it gently.
"Bilis ng karma, love."
Umiling lang si Donghyuck. "May araw rin yang mga nagpo-propose in public sa'kin. Pag nakakita talaga ako ng ganyan sisigaw talaga ako "korni!""
Jaehyun's fingers hover above his skin, touching it like it can soothe the pain somehow. "How do you wanna be proposed to then? You keep being such a hater."
"I'm not a hater. I'm pragmatic." Humiga nanaman ito sa sahig at nag-isip. Jaehyun's getting dizzy at the sight of his long, tan legs. Kinis talaga.
"You know, I wanna be proposed to in a private setting. Tayong dalawa lang. I know I'll ugly cry so if you try to invite any friends or family and they see me in that state I will kill you," Donghyuck tries to warn him with a glare but it just made him cute in Jaehyun's eyes. "Candle lit dinner, steak ang ulam, and your Ella Fitzgerald vinyl playing. Everything should be quiet, and then– wait why the fuck am I telling you this. May cheat sheet ka na. No way!"
Tumayo si Donghyuck at binawi ang paa niya. Jaehyun lets his fingers linger before Donghyuck can fully pull his foot away. Hindi talaga tinapos. Is he supposed to guess what happens next now?
"Continue," he tries, trying to see if he can pry more details from him.
"No!" Dinilaan siya ni Donghyuck. "That's for you to guess and for me to keep."
"Aw come on, not even a little hint?" Pagpapacute niya.
"No," Donghyuck bends down to kiss Jaehyun's forehead. "Matalino ka, you'll know it."
Jaehyun was frowning, utterly lost at what he should do. How should he know?
He'll just have to love him enough to know him well, then. Maybe he'll get his answer.
💍
Jaehyun's answer comes to him in the middle of the night, two years after, when he wakes up to his phone still playing songs even when he fell asleep.
He blindly reaches for his phone and exits the Spotify app, and looks at his right to wonder why he can't move his arm. Nakita niya si Donghyuck natutulog, naglalaway, nakakapit sa braso niya at may sinasabi pa yata sa panaginip.
"–band…. trophy…sband…"
He had to clamp his mouth shut with his free hand and stop himself from laughing. Kahit sa pagtulog he's still going on and on about being a trophy husband.
Wait, trophy… husband. Trophy, husband. A husband with a trophy. Jake proposed to Amy with the custom cummerband.
A trophy would be very fitting for someone like Donghyuck, who loves winning (maybe even more than Jaehyun).
He holds on to that thought until he drifts in and out of sleep again, hearing Tom Misch singing about love.
💍
It’s Jungwoo he calls of course, he’s always the guy who knows a guy, and in this case, Jaehyun needs a customized trophy for his proposal.
Proposal … that sounds so surreal.
Nagpaalam siya kay Donghyuck kaninang umaga na he’ll be running errands but the errand is actually going to Cartier to find a ring. Kinuha niya ang isa sa mga singsing ni Donghyuck sa jewelry box para may reference siya (he’s praying he wouldn’t notice it missing). He drives to Greenbelt and is welcomed by the sales lady assisting him.
“Can I see your engagement rings please?” he asks, fiddling with Donghyuck’s ring.
“Certainly, sir. I’m sure your girlfriend will like the rings we have, a new collection just arrived.” Jaehyun doesn’t bother correcting her. Nakasanayan niya na ata ang mga lalaking naghahanap ng singsing para sa magiging misis nila, he’s sure she doesn’t have ill intentions.
He was presented a wide array of rings with different cuts of diamonds and designs, all either in gold, silver, or rose gold. Inisip niya kung ano ang usual designs ng mga alahas ni Donghyuck. He’s usually a silver jewelry kinda guy, although gold will look good at him too.
“Can I see this one please?” turo niya sa plain silver ring.
“Of course,” the jeweler plucks it out with a gloved hand, and Jaehyun inspects it in the light once it’s in his hand. He compares it with Donghyuck’s ring and imagines him wearing it. It’s cute, it’s simple, but something’s missing.
Umiling siya at ibinalik ang singsing. He inspects the other rings.
Speak to me, come on. He’s just waiting for the right ring to catch his eye.
“We have the Maillon Panthere wedding band here sir, or the classic Trinity ring if she’s more adventurous. What is more like miss’ style?”
Jaehyun just smiles at her and inspects the other rings. They’re either too gaudy or too experimental. These rings are too in-your-face. He wants something simple and classy, no big stones or anything. The price isn’t an issue, either. Nuon pa man, alam na niyang gusto niyang pakasalan si Donghyuck, so he saved up his money for a ring.
When he tilts his head, hindi niya alam kung guni guni niya lang na kumislap at the right time ang isang singsing, getting his attention. All of these rings sparkle, but that ring really caught his eye.
“This one,” he points at the glass. “This one, please.”
Jaehyun’s heart hammers as the jeweler takes the ring out. It’s a silver ring with a tiny diamond inside, you can barely even see it when you’re not looking intently. When he holds it in his hand, he knows he found the one.
“That’s the 1985 wedding band sir. 2.6 mm wide, with a brilliant cut diamond of 0.01 carat.”
He holds the ring side by side with Donghyuck’s and nods in satisfaction. It’s this one. He’s choosing this one. Nakikita niya na si Hyuck magsuot nito, it’s gonna look so good on his finger. He can see himself playing with it when he holds his hand, or watch it wink in the light when he looks at his lovely boyfriend.
“I’ll take this one,” he says with finality, at saka pa yata nag sink-in sa kanya na magpo-propose na siya kay Donghyuck. He feels giddy and excited, and maybe even a little nervous.
“Perfect choice sir! Best wishes to you and your future wife!”
Jaehyun gives her a smile. “Thank you. I’m sure my boyfriend will appreciate that.”
💍
"I don't think he knows I love him," he says to Johnny one day three years ago, when the apartment they shared didn't exist yet, when Donghyuck was yet to know how he truly means to him. Jaehyun watches Donghyuck splash Doyoung with sea water. He starts running, laugh melodious, when Doyoung catches up. "It's like my heart does a slow dive everytime he's around."
Johnny looks at them with fondness– a different kind of love for each. "Then tell him. He'll be glad to know of it."
💍
Jaehyun has a plan. Well, it's not much of a plan, really. It's just dinner and asking Donghyuck to slow dance as he gives him a trophy and he'll kneel when he's reading it, Jake Perlata style. He actually tried drafting a speech in between studying for exams, but he just keeps deleting paragraphs in his notes app. It doesn't feel right somehow.
Except that plan goes to shit when Donghyuck tells him he'll be home late Saturday evening dahil may tinatapos pa sila sa internship niya.
Jaehyun already prepared everything. From the candle lit dinner (na steak ang ulam!) to the trophy hidden discreetly, to the Ella Fitzgerald vinyl na isasalang niya sa player. He can feel the weight of the ring in his pocket, and he can feel his heart about to leap out of his throat. But then the hours pass by, the candles almost melted, and Donghyuck is nowhere to be found, and Jaehyun's nervousness simmers down to slight worry.
Tatawagan na sana niya ito nang marinig niya ang pagbukas ng pinto. Jaehyun gets up, crossing the dinner table to get to the entrance of the apartment.
Donghyuck's toeing off his Martens loafers at the entrance when Jaehyun greets him.
"Hello," he greets.
Even when exhaustion seeps in his skin, Donghyuck is lovely enough to cradle Jaehyun's cheek and give him a gentle kiss.
"Hi, sorry. Kumain ka na ba? Di mo na sana ako hinintay. Alas diyes na oh."
"It's okay," he soothes. Hinawakan niya ang pisngi nito at napapikit si Donghyuck. He leans into Jaehyun's hand, seeking warmth. "You look tired, my love."
"Very."
Nanikip ang dibdib ni Jaehyun. He can't propose in this state. It can wait. He can wait. There's so much time ahead of them.
"Did you eat?" Tanong niya dito.
"No appetite."
He gives him a discerning look but Donghyuck just shakes his head. "Seriously." Sometimes Donghyuck doesn't eat because food randomly grosses him out, a habit Jaehyun frowns at. Hindi na lang niya pinipilit kasi sinuka lang nito ang pagkain one time when he insisted.
"Okay," he draws him in his arms, hoping to comfort him. He's interning for Inchem, a top chemical company. He was so excited when he got the internship that he promised he'll work hard to deserve it. Jaehyun doesn't tell him nothing will ever deserve Donghyuck's brilliance, not even him.
"So much work," Donghyuck complains weakly. "Tinatambak lahat sa'min."
"Evil corporate bastards," he whispers, caressing his hair. "Patumba na natin 'yan sila, love?"
Natawa si Donghyuck. "Wag. Kailangan ko pa kumpletuhin 600 hours."
Jaehyun just rubs his back comfortingly, dinner forgotten, the ring on his pocket weightless.
"You wanna take a bath now?"
"No energy,"
"That's not a problem."
He bends down and carries Donghyuck bridal style– and the other immediately wraps his arms around Jaehyun's neck and nuzzles his shoulder. He must be really tired. His poor baby.
Pinaupo niya si Donghyuck sa korte ng bathtub para tanggalin ang damit nito. Pumipikit na ito at hinahayaan na lang si Jaehyun gawin ang kung ano sa kanya. He lets the tub fill with warm water before he lets Donghyuck in.
Donghyuck immediately rests his head on the edge of the tub, eyes closed. Jaehyun's chest feels like it's closing in on itself– his Donghyuck, so exhausted he can barely stay awake.
Jaehyun scoops some water in his hand and pours it on Donghyuck's shoulder gently, following the droplets with his eyes as they cascade down Donghyuck's back.
"Don't sleep." Hinalikan niya ang sintido nito. "I'm going to wash your hair."
Donghyuck lazily lolls his head back, sitting up in struggle. He tugs Jaehyun's shirt weakly. "Come in the water."
"No," kinuha niya ang kamay nito at hinalikan. "Someone has to stay dry."
Donghyuck doesn't even fight him, lets Jaehyun grab the shower head and get his body wet all over. He lathers the other's favorite floral shampoo on his head, and uses his fingers to massage his scalp. Donghyuck's eyes flutter, obviously enjoying the massage.
Jaehyun hums a random tune, a Frank Ocean song stuck in his head since last week.
"I'm sure we're taller in another dimension," Donghyuck opens an eye, a little cheeky smile to let Jaehyun know he knows what song he's humming. "You say we're small and not worth the mention."
Jaehyun just smiles at him, ignoring the pain in his knees as he kneels at the unforgiving tiles of their bathroom.
"You're tired of moving, your body's aching," pagtuloy ni Jaehyun, singing mindlessly as he puts soap on Donghyuck's body. "We could vacay there's places to go,"
He grabs the shower head again to rinse everything off Donghyuck's body, but he gets a complaint from his angel.
"Why'd you stop?" Donghyuck's speaking slowly, an evidence of his exhaustion. "Finish the song."
"You dream of walls that hold us imprisoned," Jaehyun continues, his throat tight, chest perpetually hurting at the weight of love he carries for Donghyuck. "It's just a skull, least that's what they call it,"
"And we're free to roam," Donghyuck finishes, staring at him like he knows what love is because Jaehyun gives it to him.
💍
Even as he blow dried Donghyuck's hair and put him to bed, he was already asleep. Jaehyun lays there for a while, head on his enclosed fist, watching the rise and fall of Donghyuck's sleep.
And he can wait, his selfishness can wait because Donghyuck needs sleep better. So he slides the ring in finger and kisses his temple, wishing his dreams would be kind to him.
💍
He already blew the candles off and put away their supposed dinner, folded the nice table cloth he borrowed from home at the insistence of his overjoyed parents when he told him what it was for, and was washing the dishes when he heard Donghyuck shouting.
"Jaehyun!" May halong pag-iyak ito kaya nataranta siya at pinahid ang basang mga kamay sa shorts. "Jaehyun!!"
"Love, is something the matter?" He almost trips as he runs to him, and his heart drops at the sight of Donghyuck holding his left hand out, ring and all.
Oh. Oh.
"When I woke up there was something– something cold in my finger!" Donghyuck wails. Jaehyun nods excitedly, trying to wipe his tears away. "Hindi ka man lang nag propose ng maayos!"
"I was going to but you were so tired," he says helplessly. Donghyuck– crying, his greatest love , Jaehyun can surrender every autonomy of his body if it meant Donghyuck would know the extent of the love he has for him.
"Sana ginising mo 'ko! Or naghintay ka man lang! Sa pagtulog ko pa talaga!" Nagdabog ito at hindi mapigilan ni Jaehyun ang sarili niyang halikan ang pisngi nito.
"I'm sorry. Sorry na, hmmm? If it makes you feel better you were so cute kanina."
"That did not make me feel any better!" Iyak si Donghyuck ng iyak. Jaehyun thinks he must be evil for finding him cute like that.
"Pasalamat ka mahal kita! Parang dinaya naman 'tong proposal mo!" Donghyuck is going on and on about him being a cheater but all Jaehyun could think about is how much of a pretty crier he is. Tears glistening, running down his pretty face. His cute nose was red from all the crying.
"I'm sorry," he amends. "Let's do it again, hmm?"
He slides the ring off Donghyuck's finger (which earned him a glare), plays the Ella Fitzgerald vinyl on the player but finds it not working so he grabs the Sony speaker they have instead and picks the most romantic Fleetwood Mac song he knows, and grabs the trophy from the hanging cabinet from the kitchen.
"Okay," he catches his breath. "The steak's already cold and ubos na yung mga kandila, so, love, will you dance with your shit boyfriend who doesn't know how to propose properly?"
Donghyuck's still glaring at him as he takes his hand, and Jaehyun gets a little emotional as Stevie Nicks sings Landslide soulfully.
Donghyuck's looking up at him with watery eyes, and Jaehyun doesn't know what to say as they sway on the wooden floor of their living room. What loveliness, what brilliance. He hopes he loves him enough to deserve him.
"Love, I have something to give you." Panimula niya, the actual sentence he really would've said had things gone correctly earlier.
Donghyuck sniffles. "Ano nanaman 'yan?"
Natawa si Jaehyun at tinaggal ang kamay niya sa bewang nito para kunin ang trophy.
"You said–" tumikhim siya. "You said, you'd love to be my trophy husband someday, right?" He hands him the shiny, golden trophy with the inscription below. "Here's a trophy."
Donghyuck takes it from him begrudgingly, turning around to read what's written.
"For Donghyuck, my greatest victory is being yours– but this is to celebrate you, who loves winning probably more than me. Congratulations in the future."
Jaehyun gets down on one knee and holds out the open Cartier box to Donghyuck. "Now, about the husband part…"
Donghyuck covers his mouth with a hand, tears racing down his face.
"I... I actually wrote a whole speech about this but I cannot remember a single word," natawa silang dalawa and Jaehyun's throat feels tight. "I don't know, here goes, uh... Rilke once wrote that to love means to be consumed, to love is to give light with inexhaustible oil. To love is to pass away, to love is to endure. When I was twenty three years old, I knew nothing of what those meant until I started loving you. You taught me what it means for a love to consume you whole and grow so passionate it feels like you're being set on fire. I know nothing about passing away, and hopefully I won't just yet–" Donghyuck laughs as he wipes his tears. Jaehyun swallows thickly. "But I know about a love that endures because it's what I feel for you. Donghyuck, you make me feel like every single thing on this Earth can be overcomed with love because I have you with me. You taught me that love doesn't have to hurt for it to be genuine and enduring. And I–" medyo nangangawit na siya sa posisyon niya but he keeps going. "I want nothing more in my life than to show you that love. I want to take care of you and be with you, and even if we fight, I will still do that not out of obligation, but because I want to." He wants to stand up and wipe his tears pero tinatagan niya ang loob niya. "You are endearing, and breathtakingly beautiful. You are everything lovely in this world concentrated in one body. It would be an honor to be your legal emergency contact, so what do you say, do you want a civil status upgrade and be my trophy husband for life?"
His smile was watery as he didn't realize he was crying too. Donghyuck's clutching the trophy to his chest tightly as he nods.
"Yes, yes!" ngawa niya. "Ano pa ba sasabihin ko, ang ganda ng speech mo eh!"
Jaehyun feels the whole world brighten as he slips the ring on Donghyuck's finger for the second time, and he gathers him in his arms to twirl him around and give his lover the sweetest kiss.
"The wedding–" Donghyuck starts, but Jaehyun's already shushing him with his lips.
"In a few years," he promises. "After your boards and the bar."
Donghyuck's face softened. "Are you okay with that?"
"Mmmhmm." He kisses him, finally playing with the ring on his finger. "We have all the time in the world. We don't have to hurry."
Donghyuck's answering grin makes him want to swoon, and he lets the other kiss him senselessly, the speaker playing My Darling by Wilco like it knows they're in the greatest moment of their lives.
They kiss slowly, but Jaehyun doesn't fret, they have all the time in the world.