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The first thing Jason saw when he opened his eyes was the Justice League.
They were all assembled in front of him, looking different degrees of nervous or wary, even though there were bars between him and them.
His mask over his face was the next thing he noted, somewhat gratefully. The thing was rigged to explode, and he would have rather not have exploded because of the stupidity of the people in front of him.
“We know you’re awake,” said Superman, looking at him closely. “You–”
“Good for you, you’re not as dumb as you pretend to be,” he interrupted, testing the strength of the bindings around his wrist. Not impossible to get out of, but they would take a while. “Then again you kidnapped me, so you’re most certainly not as smart as one would hope.”
“We did not kidnap you,” said Green Arrow, rolling his eyes. “You were in Star City.”
“Minding my business, and doing nothing wrong.”
“You’re a supervillain,” bluntly said Flash.
“Supervillain sounds so cliche,” said Jason, twisting uncomfortably on the chair. “Still, I’m pretty sure I’m none of your business. Aren’t I Batman’s special charity case?”
“When you’re in Gotham, maybe,” said Wonder Woman, and it sucked that she had gotten involved in this entire thing. Was it true, after all, what they said about never meeting your heroes? “But you were not in Gotham.”
“And I was not committing crimes. I was on my way to meet... someone.”
“Do severed heads in a bag ring any bells?” Green Lantern sounded very sarcastic. “God knows what you would have done, outside of Gotham, without Batman looming over you.”
The only downfall of the helmet was that it stopped them from seeing all of the faces he was making at them.
Well, Superman might have been able to, but he had that thing about being noble, which meant he wouldn't.
“I was going to meet a family member for brunch,” he informed them, choosing to be truthful for once. “And he will be very angry to find out I am late. Or that I have been kidnapped.”
“Right,” said Flash, his disbelief reflected on the faces of his colleagues. “And we are just supposed to believe you, are we?”
“We cannot simply let you go,” added Wonder Woman. “At least not until you answer some of our questions.”
Or Batman shows up, thought Jason, bitterly. Outside, he simply shrugged, not having expected it to work either.
Still, “It’s your funeral. When he ends up breaking the entire Justice League and makes you cry, I don’t want to hear you or Batman complaining about shit.”
“Language.”
Jason would have flipped them all off, but his hands were sort of busy.
For the time being.
So, he settled for keeping his mouth shut and waiting.
+++
He did not have to wait long.
Superman and the League tried to get him to answer questions, with no success. Honestly, he had dealt with Bruce Wayne and came out on top several times: nothing these lawful goods could throw at him would stick.
“Come on, son,” tried Superman, once again. “Perhaps–”
He did not shut up because Jason had freed himself and punched him in the face.
Jason had almost freed himself, and had been waiting for an excuse to punch him in the face, but he hadn’t had a chance to as an unfamiliar song started to play (the song was not actually unfamiliar; however, Jason Todd was the Red Hood, and the Red Hood had a reputation to maintain, and he could not walk around knowing gay pop music)(respectfully).
Nails, hair, hips, heel,
Ass fat, lips real
“What the hell?” asked Lantern, looking around in concern. “What is that?”
Purse full, big bills
Bitch, I’m a big deal
Then came the very threatening sound of chelsea boots heels click-clacking on the polished floors of the Watchtower, and Jason got more comfortable on his chair, feeling very smug.
Legs, legs, face eyes
Though he could not deny part of him was curious about the witchcraft his (ex) stepfather was able to pull: no matter what shoes he wore, no matter how flat they were, he still managed to make it sound like stilettos who had stepped in a blood pool and were now tracking said blood all over an antique and expensive marble floor (Dick’s words).
Thin waist, thick thighs
“Who is that?” demanded Wonder Woman, looking between Jason and Superman. “What is this music?”
You-me? You wish
New phone, who this?
“My theme song,” said Tony Stark, walking into the room then. The music continued in the background, though now lowered, and he looked at the assorted members of the Justice League with enough judgment that Green Lantern and Flash were immediately squirming under his gaze. “Is this a police station?”
“Oh god,” he heard Green Arrow say, immediately trying to hide himself behind a stupefied Superman.
“A poli– how did you get here?” Green Lantern had recovered enough to be confused and wary. “We are literally in space– we are literally the Justice League!”
“Cops with a fancy name,” said Tony, his glare growing sharper behind the heart shaped sunglasses he was wearing. It should look ridiculous, but it somehow managed not to clash with the pink boa he was wearing. “Seeing as you are currently illegally detaining my precious stepson.”
“Your what.”
Tony ignored him, marching decidedly towards the doors of Jason’s cell.
“My baby,” he said, in a voice that, had it come from anyone else, would have made Jason shoot them in the dick and feed it to them. As it was Tony... he settled for a glare behind the helmet.
Tony did not notice despite what he called his ‘super parenting abilities’, turning to glare at the League.
“How dare you?” he demanded. “Not only you detained him without any probable cause, you kidnapped him in broad daylight, questioned him without a guardian or parent present, did not read him his miranda rights and attempted to stowaway him in space until the world forgot about him! I will have your badges for this, all of you!”
“We are not cops!” protested Superman. “We are superheroes!”
“First of all, you are a reporter who thinks one single hair and glasses are in any way capable of hiding your identity. Secondly, how heroic of you to take my precious tiny little baby boy and lure him to a second location! That’s illegal, you know!”
The League looked between the 5’8 and muscular-by-carrying-heavy-shopping-bags-but-still-kind-of-twinky form of Tony Stark, and Jason’s 6’1 and more muscular than most of the Justice League body.
Tony did not so much as blink.
“That... is not a baby boy,” said Clark, eyes wide and wary.
Tony gasped. “Why, I never...! Not only you kidnap a small innocent child, but you also call me a liar? Prison! Prison for Superman for a thousand years!”
“You are not Miette,” complained Jason. “Stop listening to Idiotwing.”
“I could be,” protested Tony with a pout. “I–”
“Innocent?” said Aquaman, once he was done gaping. “He decapitated ten people in like one day!”
“First of all it was eight,” said Tony, rolling his eyes – rolling his eyes! This was why Jason liked him the best out of the old man’s exes. “Typical of the corrupt police to inflate numbers to make a story worse than it is. Second, he is literally neurodivergent and a minor, he is innocent. Third, did you even consider that those men had bad vibes?” He opened the door to the cell, coming to stand closer to Jason. “Did those men have bad vibes, J?”
“The worst of vibes,” he agreed, accepting the lockpin he slipped in his hands.
Tony then turned to face them, arms crossed around his chest.
“See? Innocent!”
“We have footage of him!”
“Doctored.”
“He admitted to it!”
“Coercion.”
“He–”
“Who are you?” asked J'onn J'onzz, finally coming to stand at the very front. “And how did you get up here?”
“Now don’t pretend you don’t know who I am, it is very unbecoming. I have more followers on Instagram than all of you combined.”
“You are Tony Stark,” said Superman, arms crossed but still appearing suspicious. “This does not explain how you got here, however. Or why.”
“I am here because my precious stepson knows better than to stand me up on one of our scheduled brunches, so when I saw he was late, I knew it had to do with this unruly business my ex-husband is running.” He shook his head. “For what reason he continues with this hobby, I will never understand. He is literally the Jay-Z to my Beyonce – if Jay-Z was in fact a variant of Beyonce trapped in a Destiny Child with more members and less talent.”
“Less talent?” demanded Green Arrow. “We are talented!”
Too late did he realise that speaking meant subjecting himself to the attention of Tony Stark.
And, unlike everyone else in the room, he knew Tony and his abilities.
“Talented?” Tony whirled on him. “You, Mister Oliver ‘Oh, you know what’s smart? If the most well known person in Star City and the most well known superhero just so happened to have the same very specific and exact facial hair style and colour, I am sure nobody will notice, in fact all I’m going to do to keep my identity a secret is wear a hood that the slightest hint of wind could pull off and wear a domino mask that fails to cover 80% of my face, I am the discount Night and Vengeance you can buy outside of Gotham’ Queen, you think you are talented?”
“Oh, snap,” said Green Lantern.
“Don’t get me started on you,” said Tony, ignoring the way Queen was now hiding his face in his hands. “How are you wielding the most powerful weapon in the universe whose power limit is your imagination, but walk around in the tackiest uniform in the universe? How do you wake up every morning knowing that you can be defeated by a pot of yellow paint? How is the ring impossible to steal and you lose it faster than the will to leave of someone who realised they woke up one day and they were you? All the imagination in the world, and all it took to find out your name was taking a peek at your flight log? Are you not embarrassed? How are you not embarrassed?” Tony shook his head. “If I was you, and I somehow couldn’t make everything better by being me – which should neutralise the disease that you are automatically – I would kill myself. Why have you not killed yourself yet?”
“You...” Green Lantern sniffed. “You’re mean. You’re meaner than Spooky.”
“That is enough–” tried Superman, though he also did not look very happy when Tony’s eyes fixed on him.
“Oh, now I’m supposed to listen to you? I did not even listen when Campbell begged me to join her in the supermodel show everyone thought was going to eat so bad it’d become the US’ standard of obesity, and guess what? I was right because not only did it not eat: it left everything on the plate, I took the fucking plate back and it was declared anorexic.”
Jason was not sure anyone was following anymore, but Tony was incensed.
“I did not listen and I came up on top, and that lesson has taught me that I am always right and everyone else is wrong, and thus I will not listen to what anybody has to say without formulating my own extremely prejudicial say – prejudice based on how attractive you are on a scale of me to everyone else in the world, without my mother or Martha Wayne’s inclusion, as they are the two most beautiful women on the planet (may the worms eating their skulls have some class and taste after it) – let alone you .” He scoffed. “How are you called superman and you fly around with your tacky out of season baby blanket on your back? How are you a super man but you are weak to a fashion statement that looks great with my green blazer and will start breaking out in hives at the mere sight of it? How are you the strongest man on the planet but Batman solo-es you every time you go one on one, and you can’t see through lead, and the Flash is faster than you, and every other weak you end up mind controlled by someone? How are you meant to grow stronger every day and you still end up beat by Lex fucking Luthor and his mineral collection? I slapped Lex Luthor unconscious once all by myself cause he came too close and I thought his head was a boulder. I kneed Batman in the groin and made him cry more than once. How are they your worst enemies, and I can take them down without breaking my nails?
“And how do you have access to whatever you could get your hands on in the world – in the universe – and your uniform is a pair of nasty underpants over an ugly blue latex abomination? Do you realise that it’s in fact your massive dong, highly visible through whatever material that is, that is actually scaring your enemies? I mean, I am a size queen, but even I would be scared if a flying pervert came at me pointing that flagpole and smiling like he thought he was in a commercial.”
Superman looked utterly mortified, his face the same colour as his suit.
“And don’t let me get started on how you’re cockblocking yourself because you wear glasses and suits so ugly at work and waste so much time not working your work wife is in love with your alternate self? And you’re still cockblocking yoruself because you hope she’ll fall for your personality?
“Personality doesn’t matter when the package is bumbling Kankas idiot with stupid glasses and the inability of wearing something that fits – no disrespect to your mother.”
“How is he both nice and mean?” whispered Flash, blanching when Tony’s eyes fixed on him. “Oh no–”
“You–”
“I think that’s enough.”
Figures, thought Jason, rolling his eyes as half the Justice League moved to hide behind Batman. Even J’onn did, which made Jason wonder just what other mean commentary had he heard in Tony’s brain.
Though B did not look any happier with the situation than the other Leaguers. In fact, like a man knowing exactly what he was going to face, he looked pretty checked out already.
“What are you doing here?”
Tony gasped louder than Superman before he was about to use his freeze-breath on a forest fire.
“That is so disrespectful! How dare you speak like this to the mother of your children?”
“You are not the mother of my children,” said Bruce, rubbing his forehead. “You are not even a mother! You’re a man.”
“I am a queen is what I am,” said Tony, glowering. “And how dare you say that I am not the mother of your children. J-bird here is literally the fruit of my loins.”
“No.”
“Flower of my womb.”
“Oh god.”
“Removed stomach bug.”
“Please stop.”
“Ankle biting uterus renter.”
“Why? How? Just–” Bruce sighed again. “He’s literally adopted.”
“How could you!” immediately said Tony, slapping his hands over Jason’s ears. Or rather, the place his ears would have been, had he not been wearing the helmet. “Don’t listen to him, baby boy, you are not adopted. The stork brought you to me because I’m too hot to ever be pregnant and gross, and put you under the cabbage.”
“He is nineteen, Tony.”
“He’s what?”
Tony ignored Flash – and the League’s – horror at the reveal of his age, tugging Jason even closer to him. “He is neurodivergent and a minor.”
“You gave him champagne last time he was over at your house!”
“I am Italian,” he said, rolling his eyes. “He can have some wine at dinner with me. You, on the other hand, put him in tights and make him fight crime!”
“Make?” Bruce pointed at him. “He was going to go one way or another! I made sure he was safe and that he didn’t kill himself and others doing it!”
“And you still got him killed and did not kill the thing that did!” Tony made a sound of disgust. “I should have taken the children and the house in the divorce.”
Another groan from Bruce. “We were never married.”
“And who’s fault is that?!”
“I asked! You said no!”
“You tried to frame me for killing the Joker!”
“Frame you? You literally signed ‘TS’ in lipstick in his cell after beating him to death with a crowbar!”
“It could have been Taylor Swift.”
“You were seen in the prison!”
“I went to visit Harley Quinn.”
“You wrote down ‘killing the Joker’ under ‘reasons for your visit’!”
“Circumstantial evidence.”
“People heard you telling him how much you hated him and his face and his clothes as you killed him!”
“And who are you going to trust, me or the mentally ill criminals you put in Arkham?” He tutted. “Harvey is right about you being incredibly paranoid.”
Bruce looked around him, hoping for support he should know better than to think was coming.
Superman, choosing to be dumb, stepped forward. “Killing is wrong,” he said. “I understand that Joker has hurt you when he killed the second Robin, but–”
“Oh shit,” said Batman.
“- even Batman understood it was wrong, once I stopped him from killing him.”
An actual beat of silence.
Even the music Tony had been playing in the background this entire time stopped.
Tony and Jason’s eyes fixed on Superman.
“You... stopped him?”
Bruce groaned, while Superman looked around, confused.
“Yes? When he tried to kill Joker after the death of Robin? I know that it hurt, but–”
“One second,” said Tony, taking one of Jason’s guns from the holster.
The entire Justice League stepped back as he approached, but Tony stopped in front of Bruce, a very sweet smile on his face.
“You should have told me it wasn’t your fault,” he said, putting an arm around his neck. “I would have stopped my attempts at kidnapping your children.”
“Kidnapping my children...?”
“Who do you think is on ‘Wing and Red’s lease’s?” Bruce did not have time to glare or accuse him, before Tony’s lips were on his own.
And while normally Jason would have glared or barfed at the way Bruce’s awareness always funnelled whenever Tony Stark was involved, the fact that he did not notice Tony lifting a hand and spraying Kryptonite flavoured pepper spray in Clark’s eyes was convenient.
Or the fact that he was too busy making out with Tony to notice the chaos that the room descended in as Red Hood moved to beat the crap out of Clark Kent.
Tony had taken his Kryptonite bullets anyway.
That wasn’t the only Kryptonite he had on him, though.
Superman found out the painful way.
They ended up having brunch at the (Wayne) Mansion.
Nobody mentioned that Jason and Bruce were almost – almost – cordial to each other, or the fact that Tony had a brand new (and suspiciously green) engagement ring on his finger, or the fact that he spent the entire meal sitting on Bruce’s lap and snarking with Damian.
It was the closest thing to a happy ever after they could have.
And if Clark Kent spent the next five months ducking attempts on his life that Bruce always ended up too busy to stop, well.
That was neither here nor there.