Archive of Our Own ^beta

Leader.

Momona doesn’t reach for the word. It is placed upon her by ten hands, and it snuggles itself on her shoulders like a Boa constrictor. The feeling is nice at first. Cold to the touch and a little slimy, but Momona has always run a little hotter than most, so it’s almost a relief.

She tries not to flinch when it moves. It sure is feisty, that word. Momona has had it for twenty seconds and it already feels heavier than it was twenty seconds ago.

“I’ll do my best.” Momona bows to everyone in the room and the soft applause makes the hairs on the back of her neck stand. When she straightens up again, the word has already curled its chunky body all the way down to her arms.

She assumes that her legs are next.

--

Sub-leader.

Ran is taken completely by surprise. She can’t hide it, the way her eyes widen when the woman in a suit addresses her by the title. The other girls in the room yelp in surprise, but the look on their faces is joyful more than anything. Just now Momona had been assigned leader, so what is this?

“Me?” Ran asks because she needs to make sure this isn’t a mistake.

“The official title is ‘performance leader’, but we believe this more comprehensive title will lessen the burden.” The manager says with a soft, experienced gaze. “For both of you.”

Ran and Momona exchange gazes, and it’s at least a relief when Momona looks as lost as she is. They’re both professionals, though, so they bow again, in tandem.

“Of course. I’ll do my very best.” Ran says. She hears Momona echoing her, voice muffled to her ears. This wasn’t in her plans. She wasn’t given a choice, and it didn’t feel earned.

But when she goes back up, her eyes lock with Miu’s ghost of a smile. Her brain rewires itself in that second.

Ran decides that she will wear the word like a medal.

--

It’s Kokoro who finds her, because of course it is. Momona wets her lips when she hears the door to the balcony sliding open behind her, rehearsing which expression she will wear and what words she will have to use around the girl to stop her from spiraling in a pool of anxiety, because Momona knows Kokoro like the back of her hand.

(The unfortunate side-effect is that Kokoro has also Momona mapped entirely.)

“Hey,” Kokoro’s voice sends a jolt down her spine. “There you are.”

“Was waiting for Keiko to finish showering.” Momona replies, elbows against the rail. She stares up at the sky for a second longer, then smiles at the girl who joins her side. “She done?”

“Not yet.” Kokoro answers, and Momona thinks it’s a lie. “It’s cold out here.”

Automatically, Momona starts taking off her jacket, but an exasperate huff stops her. Kokoro touches her arm. “I’m okay.”

“You sure?” Momona asks – to stall and because she cares.

“I’m sure,” That blinding smile will kill her one day. Kokoro spreads her arms against the rail and tilts her head up to catch the clouds floating by. They enjoy each other’s company like old times, but without competition weighting down on them every second of the day. The setting sun hits Kokoro’s cheeks and Momona is mesmerized.

“So,” A few silent beats later, Kokoro speaks, “Leader, huh?”

A heartbeat. “Yeah.”

“How is it?” Kokoro turns her back on the rail, soft eyes on Momona’s side profile.

A shrug. “It doesn’t really feel like something has changed yet.”

Kokoro hums in understanding, eyes searching her features. It’s suffocating, because if Momona allows her to continue, she will find it. So, she turns around as well and crosses her arms, facing her partner with a silly grin.

“It’s a little weird not being the oldest,” Momona’s words roll off her tongue easily. “Back when… You know, back then. They were older than me. But I feel like I’ve had my fair share of examples to do this right.”

Kokoro’s smile is genuine. “From what you’ve told me, I think you’ll do great.”

The words are kind, and Momona feels a little lighter. It had always felt like this was the direction they were headed in since the show ended, so Momona wouldn’t say she was caught off guard. The girl in front of her had mentioned to everyone in the world how she wished Momona would take the title, and it’s been in her mind since then. They’ll make it official tomorrow in a video, and that will be that.

“But if it ever gets too hard for you,” Kokoro continues, and the world stops spinning. “Don’t forget that you’re not alone.”

Momona’s fingers bury themselves in her jacket and she turns her head, eyes on the balcony door. She works her jaw before speaking.

“Yeah, no, I know.” A brief pause and an easy smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “I’ve got Ran.”

The sun sets on the horizon, and a chilling wind seeps into Momona’s clothes. She notices Kokoro opening her mouth from the corner of her eye and shivers, taking one step forward before the girl can speak.

“Let’s go inside, I’m freezing out here.” With an awkward chuckle she opens the door and waits for Kokoro to follow.

Momona pretends she doesn’t see the way Kokoro’s features change as she walks by.

--

Ran walks into the room with a towel around her neck, hair still wet from the shower. She pats her locks lightly, waiting for the water to evaporate before drying, but stops on her tracks when she notices that something isn’t where it’s supposed to be.

Or someone.

“Again, Suzu…” With a fond sigh, Ran goes over to her bed, where Suzu had fallen asleep accidentally. It’s not the first time she’s caught her dozing off where she’s not supposed to, but it is the first time it’s on Ran’s corner of the room. She sinks to Suzu’s eye level and stares, checking for her breathing.

It’s pretty slow. She’s out, alright.

“This girl…” Defeated, Ran sits by her side for a moment.

They’re the only ones inside the room, so the atmosphere is peaceful. Ran can hear some muffled conversation coming from the common area, Tsuzumi’s loud voice a familiar constant in her life now. She smiles involuntarily, the day’s activities finally catching up to her.

She hasn’t talked to Momona properly yet. For some reason, she felt like the girl needed some alone time after everything. Ran knows that Momona will be the one to come to her when she’s ready, so she’s not too worried about that part of the process.

Something else weights on her mind, but Ran can’t put a name to the feeling. Her head has been underwater for most part of the day. Organizing her thoughts still feels impossible despite the brief respite.

Ran notices that Suzu has one hand jutting out of the mattress, her fingers dangling over the edge cutely, like a child falling asleep on the car. Zoning out, Ran brings one hand up to hold them in a feather-light touch. She caresses Suzu’s digits gently with a thumb.

“Sub-leader…” Ran murmurs under her breath. “I wonder what that means.”

Suzu’s hand is warm, and Ran finds a weird type of comfort holding her. They’ve shared hard times together, and even though the girl is barely younger than her, Ran has always felt a greater sense of responsibility towards Suzu than anyone else. An empty worry, perhaps; Suzu is hardly a lost child, being mentally stronger than so many people Ran has known in her life. But she’s also honest and raw, and the sheer admiration Suzu showers Ran with makes her heart constrict sometimes. She tries not to think about it too much.

The new title hanging above her head doesn’t let her run away anymore.

Ran still doesn’t know what her role entails, but thinking about Suzu makes the pieces a little bit clearer in her mind.

Someone else walks into the room. The quiet steps are a dead giveaway.

“Ran?” Miu is all soft words and silent movements, and Ran feels her heart slowing down from her presence alone.

“Hmm?” Ran turns her neck to face her, hand still holding Suzu’ s fingers. “Everything okay?”

Miu stands there for a minute taking in the scene in front of her before closing the door. She walks slowly, voice barely lower than her usual tone. “Everything is good. I wanted to check on you.”

Miu is straightforward. It has something to do with a grueling episode that involved people she loved and a vicious reality check when they were in the show months ago.

She’s been working on it, Kokoro said, and Ran just took her word for it.

“Is she asleep?” Miu asks, sitting next to Ran on the floor.

“Yeah,” Ran can’t hide a fond smile. “My bed finally fell victim.”

“Do you want me to wake her up?”

“Nah, I can carry her later.” Ran stares at Suzu’s hand again, playing with her fingers. No reaction, still.

It’s always interesting talking to Miu, because at the same time she tells you exactly what she wants, her body language hides a thousand mysteries. There’s a quiet moment between them after this, and it can mean literally anything. Ran doesn’t have the mental capabilities to guess what Miu’s next step will be. She wonders if a sub-leader would know immediately.

“Say,” Ran speaks first. “What do you think a sub-leader does?”

It seems to take Miu by surprise, but not because she didn’t expect the subject to come up. If anything, she probably wanted to breach the conversation first, but struggled with her words for a bit too long. Ran mentally chuckles at this. She must’ve ruined Miu’s perfect plan.

“I think that… a sub-leader helps the leader with her struggles.” Miu says her words so carefully. Ran is a bit jealous of her self-control sometimes. “I think it’s a role meant to be shared.”

“So, essentially Momona pays attention to everyone, and I pay attention to her.” It’s not a question. Ran tries to put her thoughts in order, but she doesn’t quite like this conclusion.

Miu hums, unhappy with the phrasing as well. “I wouldn’t say you only have to pay attention to Kasahara…”

Ran smiles a little. Miu’s relationship with Momona is hilariously simple, but the girl by her side probably thinks it has layers. If anything, Miu would make a better sub-leader than her in that regard.

The thought hits Ran like a truck.

Maybe that’s what has been bothering her so much.

Ran doesn’t have a relationship with Kasahara Momona. Not in the way Kokoro or Miu do.

Everyone knows that those three are intertwined with each other, their stories a match made in heaven. And it’s not like they try to make anyone feel out of place, it’s just that everything about them clicks. If destiny is a word, Ran thinks it was made for them – Miu with her time in survivals, Kokoro with her debut story, and Momona with her years of experience. Being in a group together was written in the stars even before they knew each other, and sometimes Ran wonders if she and the rest of the girls will ever be able to catch up. A silly thought, she knows. If any of those three knew that she saw them this way, Ran wouldn’t hear the end of it.

So, when the title fell to her and not Miu or Kokoro, she felt like an intruder.

Maybe that’s the word she’d been looking for.

“You’re thinking so loud.” Miu interrupts her spiral with a touch to her arm.

Ran blinks, looking back at her. “Sorry, I just…” It’s still hard to gather her feelings. But Sakurai Miu is here, and she was deemed her official rival once, so Ran pushes through and tries to explain. “I was wondering why you didn’t get the role.”

The look on Miu’s face is so funny that Ran has to bite her lip to stop herself from laughing. She looks astonished.

“What? Ran, I’m terrible with people.”

“You’re not— Well.” Ran backtracks. “I mean… I wouldn’t exactly have made you leader, but…”

“Hey, now.” Miu says, but a smirk slowly spreads through her features.

“But sub-leader seems like a reasonable position.” Ran finishes before she can dig herself further, cheeks hot. “If it’s about Momona, either you or Kokoro could have gotten the title, and it would’ve made sense.”

Miu tilts her head to the side. “It’s not about Momona, though.”

“Then what is it about?” Ran caresses Suzu’s palm. What am I about?

And because this means a lot to her, Miu turns fully, torso facing Ishii Ran like she needs her universe to comprise of only her.

“It’s about this,” Miu points to where Ran and Suzu’s hands connect. “And this,” She gestures between them. “It’s about taking care of us when Momona is caught up in her own head, and even when she’s not. It’s about us feeling safe with you.”

Ran feels a little out of breath. “You feel safe with me?”

“I do.” Miu clears her throat. “All of us do. You’re reliable and kind, and you lead well.”

“So does Momona.” Ran knows it’s frustrating, but she feels like talking to Miu will help her get somewhere. “I’m sorry, I’m talking in circles.”

“It’s alright,” Miu softens her features. Ran has her moments where she thinks Miu is the prettiest girl she’s ever seen, and this is one of those times. “I don’t want to say it’s a meaningless title, because I do think you’re perfect for it. Just don’t… stress yourself out too much.” She adds, “And if you do, you can always talk to me.”

Ran is too grateful to thank her in a way that won’t crush her pride, so she just smiles a little. “Like a sub-leader for the sub-leader?”

Miu has an answer at the tip of her tongue. “If our leader gets to have a leader, I don’t see why not.”

“Who— Oh.” Ran stops. The question is stupid. “Okay.”

The conversation seems to reach its conclusion, so Ran slots her fingers into Suzu’s and squeezes her hand for a second before pulling back. With a swift move, she brings one arm to her neck and another under her legs, lifting the younger girl effortlessly and walking across the room to place her on her actual bed.

Miu watches while it all happens from the floor, and Ran feels a little more worthy of her title after all.

--

Kokoro doesn’t let Momona go too far before pulling back her invisible leash with a step that is a little sturdier than usual and a hand stopping the girl from venturing into the common room.

“Can you talk to me?” It stings. Momona stops and listens, because she knows better.

Gathering her courage, she turns to face Kokoro again. They’re still alone, in the hallway that leads to the rooms, and anyone could pop up at any time. Whoever was unfortunate enough to interrupt them would be targeted by Kokoro’s rare look. Momona is sure only Miu has received it other than her so far.

“Yes?” Momona relents, back against the wall.

“Why are you avoiding talking about it?” It’s hard to lie to the mirror of your soul, so Momona just sighs.

“I don’t…” She hesitates. Kokoro is so close. Her beige sweater is cute and fluffy, and Momona’s gaze lingers on it for a moment. She kind of wants to unzip it and bury herself inside it, and take root in her chest, nestled comfortably. “If I say it, I’ll hate it.”

Her cryptic shit never worked with Kokoro, so the girl keeps pushing. “Hate what?” She softens her demeanor. “Being leader?”

“No!” Momona barely lets her finish speaking the word. “Not that. Never that.”

“Because you can, you know.”

The sentence sounds insane to Momona’s ears, and she finally looks at Kokoro for the first time today. It’s the same girl who cracked her open on those first two weeks of rehearsal right after they met, and Momona suddenly can’t remember why she’s trying so hard to push her away.

(Maybe she does. Maybe being leader meant she had to take on the world by herself, now.)

What a foolish thought.

“I’m scared.” The words are finally out. Momona flinches at herself. “I want this. I think I’ll be good at it, but just for today, I’m scared.”

The confession lingers, hanging above their heads like a guillotine. Momona feels the slimy, cold weight of leader pushing down her shoulders again, already big enough to squeeze her legs and freeze her on the spot. It’s upsetting.

She was so sure she’d be ready for it when it happened. Had studied and tried to simulate the finest leaders this world had to offer throughout her career as a kid, then as a teenager, and now at twenty years of age Momona just wants to run to one of them and ask, How did you do it? I didn’t even start, and I can barely take it.

She wants to protect this group from the world, but the world craves them.

In a second Kokoro is stepping forward and engulfing Momona with her arms and that fuzzy sweater she liked to much. The hug is warm, and Momona grasps her back like a lifeline. She had no idea how tense this whole thing had made her until she allowed herself to melt against someone who was ready to accept her. She takes a deep breath and buries herself further into the hug, until she’s sure they’ll melt together and create something beautifully grotesque.

“And why didn’t you want to tell me that?” Kokoro mutters.

The truth, finally out, “I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

Kokoro huffs a laugh, shaking her head a little. “I must be doing something wrong if you think you ever could.”

Eyes closed, Momona hums. Kokoro’s scent is familiar and calms her down. She spreads her hands across Kokoro’s back, scratching the fabric until the girl is giggling in her ear. The sound  is lovely and soothing.

“Thank you, Kokoshi.” It’s barely a whisper, to her ears only. “Can I stay like this for a minute?"

The pause is unexpected, but somehow Momona knows it’s not because she wants to deny her, but because she almost said something too intense and too real for a Sunday night.

“Stay.” Kokoro settles for a simple word.

It’s really quite lucky that no one walked in on them yet, but Momona doesn’t really care if someone does. She shifts on her legs, swinging Kokoro back and forth a little, and the girl in her arms giggles again. Momona’s smile is involuntary.

After a long while, Kokoro speaks. “Just because Ran got a title too, doesn’t mean I stopped existing.”

Momona frowns a bit, then opens her eyes, knowing that tone. “Oh?”

“I’m just saying. You tend to take everything to extremes, sometimes.” Kokoro continues, explaining herself.

You’re so cute, Momona wants to say out loud, but settles for a chuckle.

“I’m not jealous of Ran, by the way.” And because she knows she got caught, Kokoro keeps going. “I just know you’re overthinking things, so I’m reminding you that I’m still your partner.”

You’ll always be my partner. I always want you by my side. Don’t go anywhere. I won’t leave you either, so please bear with my imperfect self.

All of these thoughts make Momona’s legs weak, and her chest hurt. She won’t ever say them out loud, but she hopes Kokoro understands.

Leaning back, Momona presses a kiss to Kokoro’s temple.

“You pry me open like a shell, Kato-san.”

Kokoro hums and manages to look at her for a few seconds before it gets too much.

“Go shower.”

Momona’s gaze flickers and she almost does something impulsive. Not tonight.

“Yes, ma’am.”

--

“Morning, Ran.” Momona’s smile is dazzling against the sun leaking through the window. “Let me know when you’re done with breakfast?”

Ran places a hand over her mouth to finish chewing and smiles with her eyes. “Sure. We have a lot to talk about.”

Miu lifts her gaze upon hearing this exchange and feels Kokoro elbowing her. The older girl nods at them with her head. Miu asks a question with a simple eyebrow raise, and Kokoro answers with a squeeze to her knee.

Yeah, they’ll be just fine.