Chapter Text
Lucifer sat in a cold, dark room, the walls paneled in a finely grained dark wood alternating with a deep red damask wallpaper. He had strung up fairy lights and little lanterns across the ceiling and along the walls, and along one wall was a deep, ornate fireplace. The room was elegant and lavish but currently had the feeling of neglect.
No lanterns or flames lit the room and so it was shadowed and dank. Dust was piling up on the mantle and in the corners. There were some bare spots on the wall where paintings and portraits used to hang, but some circus themed posters still remained.
It looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in decades…
Every flat surface that was not occupied by any of his circus themed memorabilia or lamps was covered with his current obsession; rubber ducks in various sizes, some even communing in piles around his throne-like chair. Bright yellow, happy and cute. Some with the most amazing hidden tricks and techniques. Most of them were also deadly weapons. But currently he was on a break from creating newer and more terrifying prototypes.
Instead he was brooding over a photo of himself holding a very young Charlie in his arms, both of them beaming so brightly. She was so young, not even a year old yet, but she was such a happy baby. So happy, bright like a little sun. Bright enough to light up the room when she laughed.
Charlie looked just like him; same silken golden blonde hair with streaks of silvery gold to accent the perfection of their coifs, same large round eyes full of hope, glowing with angelic glory. Same rosy cheeks and wide warm smiles. They both looked so angelic which was rather ironic. Pale, flawless skin with a porcelain-like complexion. Such bright smiles, like they had never known sorrow. They were both so beautiful.
But then you looked closer and saw the hell. Yellow eyed with scarlet irises. Sharp teeth, the way they held themselves, like predators at rest. The dark shadows under their eyes. The ancient sorrow in their eyes. The grief neither could articulate. The anxious way Charlie held herself, the way she was staring slightly off center, looking for something.
Behind them stood his wife, smiling lovingly, her long silken golden hair like a waterfall down to her ankles, her hand on his shoulder possessively. Maybe a little too possessively, her clawed fingers digging in just a bit too tightly.
She was so beautiful. So graceful. She had been born to be queen. Her face…her figure, she was just the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. More angelic than any angel, more inventive than any mortal, more seductive than any demon. Her songs used to soothe his soul, drive his dreams. She raised their denizens from the dust.
And she had been his Alpha, he had lain at her feet, adoring her.
But this photo…it was the last picture he had of them all with her smile…when had it begun to grow cold? When was it she had last touched him…allowed him her warmth? Not even her company, not even a kind word.
Not even a song.
It had been decades at least.
He couldn’t remember what he had done to alienate her. She was his greatest love, he had given her all that he was, all that he had, he had adored her, he had worshiped her…why was it not enough?
Wasn’t it sometime after Charlie had been born…? Wasn’t it because he had failed even that…? Charlie had been a twin…but the sister had not made it…Lilith had not even let him see her, hold her…but she’d told him she had never drawn breath.
An Omega, made for breeding, and he couldn’t even do that properly.
That failure had scarred his soul just as deeply as Falling had.
But she hadn’t just left right away, all at once, it had been gradual. She got him pregnant again and again…and each time… He was just such a failure. And each time she got a bit more distant.
It was also his fault they had fallen to Hell to begin with…that hell was created at all! It was his fault she could no longer see the sun. It was his fault that sin came to be…And he had not even made a good king…he could hardly protect their people. Those exterminations…he only just managed to argue for protection for the Hellborn…
And he was just such a needy, anxious wreck …no wonder she grew tired of him. Tired of his clinginess, his whining, his nightmares…tired of taking care of his insatiable needs that she couldn’t begin to understand.
She had of course started to hate him. Hell, he hated him.
She was gone…she was never coming back. He could understand her leaving him, but why had she abandoned their sweet Charlie too? What had their daughter done to be bereft of mother? Couldn’t she have taken Charlie along with her (although he would have Fallen further to be bereft of daughter as well as mother) or at least called her sometimes? Poor Charlie missed her mother so much!
He sighed and stroked one finger over his wife’s image before flinching and recoiling from her gaze. He closed his eyes and laid the photo face down on his desk. He had destroyed most of his other ‘reminders’ by this point, but he could not bring himself to destroy this one. Or to remove their ring from his finger. He couldn’t bear to remove the last remnant of their love. Their devotion that the ring represented.
The portraits of them still remained in the main halls, he had appearances to keep after all. Not that he had much company to appear for…occasionally he had some Overlords over during an Extermination, and he had Stolas over sometimes when Stella was too cruel to him… And of course much of the denizens also had portraits of them occasionally...but he was unlikely to run across those .
He sat back, combing his fingers through his unwashed hair before taking a double-handed grip and yanking hard, tears springing to his eyes.
He missed Lillith so blessed much.
Why was he such a fucking screw-up? He couldn’t even take care of their daughter… he neglected her horribly this last decade…his maternal instincts should have made him so much more diligent…he could even do that right…he couldn’t even blame Lilith on that…she’d been gone these seven years…
He looked up, eyes glazing over slightly as his mind drifted.
Charlie wanted to rehabilitate sinners…get them up to heaven?! What a dream! What ambition! It was a pity she had no chance. There was not even a sliver of hope. The angels would never allow it.
He should know, he’d tried too. Long, long ago, back when he had dreams. Back when he had…aspirations. When he'd first had his halo taken and become Fallen. He’d made appeal after appeal. But he’d been shot down.
And that… bastard , Adam…
He shuddered at the thought of that pompous, greasy, sadistic cuck …his lips twisted into a sneer and he shoved himself back from his desk, pacing restlessly, his hands reflexively clenching and unclenching at his sides. He was growling in the back of his throat, eyes narrowed, habitual smile strained.
But inwardly his gut twisted with sour guilt. It was his fault that Adam was like this now…his fault that Adam was…soiled. Every sin that Adam had committed could be laid at Lucifer’s feet. All the desecration. The murder…the erasure of souls. It was…Lucifer’s fault.
And when he was honest with himself…that guilt gnawed on his soul and he wept blood.
When Lucifer had first seen Adam, in Eden…it had been love at first sight. Adam was just so…innocent. Pure. Curiosity incarnate. He was so blessed, beautiful…and full of love! He loved the animals. He loved all the plants. He loved naming things, caring for things. And the animals so clearly loved him too, they flocked to him like he was a damn Disney princess! And Lucifer had loved that sweet, pure man…he had spent time with Adam, letting Adam teach him about the garden…
Adam had been so blessed cute! And Lucifer had spent so much time with him. And Adam had seemed to adore him, and Lucifer had fed off that adoration. It hadn’t helped that Adam was an Alpha, but so thoughtful and patient and…
But then he’d slowly noticed how displeased Lilith had been…how slowly she started spending more and more time away from them. She was an Alpha too…and it rankled her to share anything with Adam…even the Garden.
She wanted to be more independent, she wanted to be in charge. She didn’t like following Adam’s rules…and Lucifer had felt she was vindicated at that time. And he had comforted her. And Adam had seen them…they had fled Adam and Eden instead of trying to make him understand…
They had eventually returned. Lucifer had wanted Adam. They had found Eve…she was so different from Lilith. She just didn’t have the same…spark. She was so subservient…so…willing to be used. And Lilith had been furious. They had offered her the fruit. She had been devastated when her eyes had been opened…and Lucifer had comforted her.
Adam…when he found them…the look in his eyes…he was…
Heaven had taken Adam’s side and he and Lilith had been punished. He’d almost been almost more distressed by the betrayal and pain in Adam’s eyes than the initial punishment of Falling. Eve had stayed with Adam…so Lucifer had lost them both forever…
And Adam had never forgiven him.
When he had first come down, so many centuries after the Fall that Lucifer almost didn’t recognize him, he had told Lucifer of his intentions and Lucifer had been horrified. Furious. He had begged, pleaded. He had negotiated for the Hellborn…
And even that had not blunted Adam’s rage.
He should not have passed the buck to Charlie…making her face Adam because he didn’t want to… couldn’t …
He was the worst father ever…
What if Adam had wanted to hurt her? He could not bear the thought of his beloved Charlie hurt…it made him…angry to think of it. Wrathful even. His back itched as his wings flexed beneath his skin and his breath when he snarled was hot with steam.
A moment later he deflated and placed one hand over his tired eyes. He was being ridiculous. Trying to smother the daughter like he had to the mother. She was her own demon, she could make her own decisions, he just needed to guide her….and he’d failed at that too. But he didn’t need to worry about her coming to physical harm at least.
Adam was powerful, yes, was an ascended human, the first man, the Alpha progenitor of humanity. But his daughter was a Nephilim of his blood; he was one of the Archangels. So they ought to have similar power levels…but his darling Charlie was so sweet and gentle…so…unlike every other Hellborn he’d encountered. She wouldn’t want to hurt even Adam…
Oh, how would that even be possible when Lucifer had caused him so much pain already…and Heaven had done nothing to try and relieve it! They had not healed his pain! They had exacerbated it!
Why had he ascended?! He embodied all the sins that Heaven purported to despise… so why had he risen and not any of his sinners? Or was it only after ascending that he began to perform all the sins…how could they keep him then? And his poor Sinners…
His fallen humans…he had long ago despaired of watching them fail and fall, he no longer could bring himself to watch, to try and care. But even so he knew well that not all of them were sinful dregs…not all of them should be here. Some fell for reasons he could not understand. Of course, once fallen it did not take long for sinners one and all to become more corrupt, day by day falling to addiction and vice, drugs and booze and sex all they cared about any more. Now there was no way to redeem them.
But Charlie thought differently… he used to think differently. When was it that he last hoped for more…?
He fell back into his seat, arms falling limp onto the arms of his wingback throne-like seat as he slouched. His hair was mussed, unwashed. He was pale and lank and just so tired with dark circles under his eyes marring his otherwise perfect complexion. He could barely get the motivation to eat regularly anymore, much less bathe.
Why was he so weak? King of Hell ? He was a joke. He was a failure, a lie.
He closed his eyes. He was so tired.
He was so lonely.