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Maya’s head was full of lists.
Even as she lay under the table, her body curved around Andy’s, her mind was ten steps ahead.
They’d barely had time to buy Liam a car seat let alone outfit their apartment for his arrival. Maya had ordered a bassinette and Carina managed to pick up a few onesies and diapers, but there was so much they needed to do. The hospital social worker had been so vague about timelines – the emergency foster placement could move fast, but how fast she couldn’t say.
To go from potentially dealing with a Patient Zero to finding out Carina was being sued to suddenly signing paperwork at Grey-Sloan was like a terrifying, exhilarating roller coaster. It felt like she was on high alert, bracing for whatever might come next.
She barely remembered picking up Liam from the hospital, grateful that one of the NICU nurses had photographed the teary moment they’d dressed him in his little blue onesie and told him he was coming home.
But now he was here. He was in Carina’s arms.
Maya was under the table.
Jack was no longer a firefighter.
Someone was suing Carina.
Beneath her absolute focus, Maya was exhausted too.
When she raised her head to look at Carina, she found her wife staring right back at her, pensive, her eyes wide and round, and glistening with unshed tears. The firm set of her mouth told Maya that they weren’t necessarily happy tears, which was enough for Maya to force back every other thought in her head.
Carina needed to go home. So they were going home.
Tension lingered in the room, a palpable sadness. It scared Maya. She hated to admit it, but Jack’s pain scared her. It was easier for her to tell Carina that SFD would take care of Jack. That he’d land on his feet. It was easier than facing the truth.
Jack’s future was unknown.
Maybe SFD could find him a placement. Maybe SFD would decide that he could no longer work at all.
She didn’t miss the strange way his face sometimes twitched now. She didn’t miss the limp in his gate.
Nor did she miss the way Carina looked at him with open worry.
As they climbed out from under the table, Maya kept her back to Jack, knowing that Andy and Ben would help him stand. If she saw his struggle, the thoughts may come in, the feelings…
It could be me someday. It could so easily be me.
Maya crouched in front of Carina, ignoring Beckett. Their delicate peace was polite, but Maya didn’t need or want anything more. Not from him.
“Should we go home?” Maya asked, curving her hand around the back of Liam’s head.
She looked down at him and he looked up at her, his little mouth open. It made him appear curious, as if he was trying to figure out what was happening, which he likely was. For a moment she wondered if they should have skipped the party in the first place.
Liam barely knew them and now there was noise and new faces and the little guy had already been through so much in his short life.
Carina nodded, handing Maya the baby as she stood.
“Hey, Liam,” Maya said, unable to stop smiling as she adjusted him against her. He continued staring, his tiny fist in his mouth until he yawned and dropped his head to her shoulder, apparently comfortable enough to fall asleep.
Maya wasn’t sure she’d ever felt anything more wonderful in her entire life.
She followed Carina to the locker room, beaming, her chest so tight she had to remind herself to inhale.
“He fell asleep on me,” Maya said, almost in disbelief.
Carina’s smile matched her own. “Of course he did. You are very comfortable, Bambina. I fall asleep on you all the time too.”
“But you know me. He’s only just met me, but I guess he feels safe? Do you think he does?”
“I know he does.”
They were alone, finally away from the crowd, and Maya snagged Carina’s hand, sensing her wife’s inner turmoil.
“Everything is going to be okay,” Maya promised, trying to catch Carina’s worried gaze.
Carina winced, but nodded. “Can we go home? Today was…a lot.”
The lists returned. Maya tried to remember if they had any gelati at home. Anything that could possibly bring Carina some small comfort.
“You ready to go home too, Liam?” Maya whispered, pressing her cheek to the top of Liam’s head.
Before either could say another word, loud, raucous laughter erupted from just beyond the door, waking Liam who startled at the noise and started crying. Kate strolled in, still shouting something nonsensical towards Theo, and it took all of Maya’s self-restraint not to shout right back.
“Oh, hey, congrats again Bishop,” Kate said, watching as Maya passed Liam to Carina. “And Bishop’s wife.”
Maybe it was the late hour. Maybe it was the emotional day. But all the polite tolerance Maya had shown Kate flew out the window.
“Her name is Dr. DeLuca,” Maya said, raising her chin.
Kate narrowed her eyes. “What?”
“My wife’s name is Dr. DeLuca.”
“I know. I was just…”
“Joking. Yeah. You do that a lot.”
Maya felt Carina’s hand on her arm, but didn’t turn around.
“Listen, I meant no offense, okay?” Kate said, clearly exasperated. “It’s Carina, right?”
Maya grit her teeth. “No. It’s Dr. DeLuca. She’s the most sought after OB/GYN in Seattle, published in multiple journals, and a fellow of the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. So, no, not Carina. To you, she’s Dr. DeLuca.”
“The most sought after OB who was just sued?”
Maya did not consider herself a violent person. She’d never been in a physical altercation in her life. But she didn’t hesitate before stepping forward into Kate’s space, squaring her shoulders. It was only Carina’s terse Maya that stopped her from doing something stupid.
“You should leave now,” Maya said, pointing towards the door.
Kate stared Maya down, smirking and then she shrugged, jamming her hands in her pockets as she sauntered away, looking far too pleased with herself.
“Maya,” Carina’s voice pulled her back and when she finally looked at her wife, she could see how concerned she was, but underneath it, there was shame too. Kate’s words had obviously hit their target.
Liam had curled himself against Carina’s shoulder and something about his little face brought Maya calm. She took a deep breath, reminding herself that Kate wasn’t worth her time. Or her anger.
“Sorry,” Maya said, her hands on Carina’s arms. “Her face is just so punchable.”
With a slightly exasperated sigh, Carina shook her head.
“I know, but your face is not. So please no more of this pissing contest, va bene?” Carina frowned.
Maya bit her lip, trying not to laugh. “Who taught you pissing contest?”
“That is all Grey-Sloan is. An endless pissing contest.”
“Oh, I would totally win. You’ve seen how bi…”
“Maya!” Carina hissed, covering Liam’s ear with her hand.
Maya grabbed their bags, still trying not to laugh. She leaned in, kissing Liam’s cheek, and then stood, kissing Carina’s cheek too.
With kisses evenly distributed, Maya set her hand on Carina’s back and closed her locker, ignoring how strange Jack’s locker looked without his name on the door.
She pushed away every what if and walked forward. Carina and Liam by her side.
~*~
It didn’t occur to Maya until they were half-way down the hall that they were about to bring Liam home for the first time. In the midst of a whirlwind day, she’d almost forgotten how often she’d dreamed of this very moment. Bringing their baby home. And now it was here – not quite how she’d pictured it, but here. Finally.
Finally.
She paused in front of their door, turning the key, her throat suddenly tight.
“Welcome home, Liam,” she said, stepping aside to let Carina in.
Carina held him so gently, so lovingly, Maya just wanted to watch. To memorize every single detail. From Carina’s hand on Liam back rubbing soothing circles to Liam’s eyes, permanently fixed on Carina’s face, to the way he was trying to eat his tiny little baby fist.
They stood side by side, overwhelmed by how surreal everything felt. Overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted.
“Should we try to get some sleep?” Maya asked, wanting nothing more than her bed. She knew Liam would likely keep them from a full night’s rest, but Carina had been on her feet all day too. Carina who seemed happy and pensive and stressed all at the same time.
Carina kissed Liam’s forehead and stroked his cheek. “What do you think, piccolino?”
There was an odd tension between them. An odd tension radiating from Carina. Maya wondered if she should suggest putting Liam to bed and then taking some time to talk, but before she could say anything, Carina laughed at Liam’s little yawn and disappeared into their bedroom, cooing in Italian.
One diaper change, one mini-crying fit brought on by too much cold air during the diaper change, and one cuddle later, Liam was fast asleep in his new bassinette. Maya held Carina’s hand as they watched him sleep, her heart melting at the sight of his wispy blonde hair. She wondered if he’d stay blonde or if his hair would darken with time. Would he have blue eyes or would they turn brown?
“I want to be his mom,” Carina said, her voice wavering.
Maya turned, concerned by the sorrow in Carina’s words.
“Hey,” she whispered, cupping Carina’s cheek. “We’re going to be his moms, okay? I know there are a lot of hoops to go through and nothing is official yet, but we are going to be his moms, Carina. You are going to be his mom.”
Carina nodded, even as tears dripped down her face. She reached into the bassinette and stroked Liam’s knuckles, though Maya didn’t miss the way her hand shook as she lay it on his belly.
It took approximately fifteen seconds for Maya to fall asleep.
Usually, she had trouble turning off her mind, silencing all the lists. But as soon as she crawled into bed, as soon as her head hit her pillow, her entire body felt boneless. She was barely aware of Carina crawling closer, the familiar feeling of Carina’s face pressed into her neck enough to send her off in comfort, her worries temporarily forgotten as she happily tumbled into the dreamless dark.
Three hours later, she woke up alone.
Maya blinked, at first confused about why she felt so cold and why she couldn’t see, but the cause of her discomfort soon became apparent.
Carina was gone.
The sheets were tangled around Maya’s hips, yet another sign of her wife’s absence because Carina was the one to make sure Maya was covered and warm. She sat up, rubbing her eye, and glanced towards the bathroom, finding it dark too. Which meant that Carina was no longer in the room at all.
The sight of Liam’s bassinette caused a momentary panic. It was his first night at home – could she really leave him alone? Was that okay? Did it make her a bad mother? He was sleeping so peacefully, all wrapped up in his swaddle, and it would be a shame to disturb him. But Maya needed to find Carina and…
Maya belatedly remembered the baby monitor they’d ordered from Amazon. In the rush to prepare for Liam’s arrival, it felt like boxes arrived each day and sometimes Maya lost track of them. But the baby monitor was sitting on Carina’s bedside table, all ready to go. Maya placed it in the bassinette and then picked up her phone, clicking on the right app.
She could see Liam clearly, she could hear him too.
“Hey, Liam” Maya whispered, leaning over the bassinette. “I’m really sorry to do this, but I have to go find Carina, so if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to let us know.”
His tiny lips parted, his breathing steady.
“I’m really impressed with your sleeping, by the way,” Maya continued, keeping her voice low. “I’ll give you a few days to settle in, but then we’re starting sleep training, Little Man. I’ll show you my clipboard in the morning. We can colour code it if you want.”
She finally stood, shivering as her bare feet touch the floor, but with one final glance at Liam, Maya left the room in search of her wife.
The mystery of Carina’s disappearance was nearly immediately solved as Maya heard sniffling coming from the living room. Soft lamplight turned the space yellow, but the peaceful atmosphere was shattered by Carina sitting on the floor in front of the TV, surrounded by pieces of paper.
“Carina?” Maya called, not wanting to startle her.
The face that stared back at her was tear stained.
“Did I wake you?” Carina asked, hiccupping as she spoke.
Maya lowered herself to the ground, sitting cross legged in front of Carina who looked away, her eyes cast down. Upon closer inspection, the papers were all on Grey-Sloan stationary. Maya quickly realized that they were old patient files.
“Oh, Babe,” Maya sighed, setting her hand on Carina’s blanket-covered knee.
“I don’t remember her,” Carina said. “I am trying to find her file, but I can’t find it and now she is suing me and I don’t even remember her.”
“Okay, but how many babies do you deliver every day? Do you remember every single one?”
“No, of course not, I just…”
“Carina,” Maya said, stroking Carina’s wet cheek. “It’s going to be okay. This is why you have medical insurance, right? We’re going to be fine.”
“I’m not worried about the money. I’m worried that…” Carina choked back a sob, pressing her hand to her mouth.
Maya pulled Carina close, hating to see Carina so torn up.
“What if I did something wrong, Maya?” Carina wept, snagging Maya’s t-shirt. “What if something I did hurt that little girl? What if that woman is right? What if…”
“She’s not right. You would never hurt a child, Carina. Never.”
“But what if I did? What if…what if I lose my job, my career and then…then they will take Liam from us and…if…if…”
“Hey, no…”
“This is my reputation, Maya! I have worked so hard and I try to be the best I can for every patient, but what if…”
Maya didn’t want to hurt Carina, but she recognized the anxiety spiral quickly losing control. Trying to hold Carina felt like trying to hold a flailing, terrified bird. She was all arms and gesturing hands and shaky, uneven exhales. Maya could see the panic rising and tried to meet it with unshakeable calm.
Because even though their lives were stressful, she had never experienced such a sense of peace before. Her happiest days were always stained with tragedy – her Olympic win and Mason’s overdose. Her wedding and her demotion.
This time, for reasons she couldn’t entirely understand, Maya didn’t feel any sense of impending doom. There was no Sword of Damocles precariously hanging over her head.
She had Carina.
She had her health.
And sleeping soundly close by, she had Liam.
The little boy who she just knew was her son.
Maybe Diane was a miracle worker?
Or maybe Maya had hit rock bottom and there was no other direction for her to go but up. Maybe this is what it felt like to rise.
Maybe this is what it looked like to no longer be terrified of the fall.
“Babe,” Maya tried again, taking Carina’s face in her hands. “Deep breath with me, okay?”
She inhaled, pleased when Carina copied her.
“I’m sorry,” Carina said, “it is just like when I was on the hormones and…dio mio our IVF appointment is next week, Maya!”
They were also meeting with a realtor next week. And a lawyer about Liam’s adoption. And a potential buyer for the condo.
Maya felt her own anxiety flare, but something about Carina’s near panic attack was keeping Maya’s own worries at bay. It felt good to be Carina’s strength, to hold her up. It felt good to be a solution in Carina’s life, not the problem.
Everything was chaos. Except her.
For once.
“Okay, we’re not doing this on the floor,” Maya said, giving no warning before standing and bringing Carina with her. She took Carina’s hand, guiding her over to the couch.
“We’re going to sit here and we’re going to figure everything out,” Maya continued, waiting for Carina to settle against the cushions.
Maya turned on another lamp and then covered Carina’s lap with a blanket. She tucked her own legs beneath it as she sat down, her arm immediately wrapping around Carina’s shoulders.
“It’s Liam’s first night and I am outside crying,” Carina sighed. “We should be with him.”
“We are with him, my love. Plus, look, he’s the star of the best reality show ever,” Maya showed Carina her phone, letting her hold it so she could watch Liam in his bassinette. While it didn’t stop her tears entirely, her breathing seemed less shallow. Her body less tense.
“I’m sorry, Maya…this should have been the happiest day. And now…”
“This is kind of our thing though, right?”
“Getting sued?”
“No – slightly disastrous major life events.”
Carina smirked, reaching up to stroke Maya’s hair. “All I remember about our wedding is you in that dress.”
“Really? You don’t remember the part where I was demoted and we had to run downtown?”
“To this day I regret not picking up the axe in McCallister’s office. We could’ve hid the body, no?”
“God, you’re sexy when you talk about murder,” Maya teased, inwardly relieved that Carina was smiling again.
“I still loved our wedding, Bambina.”
“And I still love today. Was it perfect? No. But I don’t think we’re those people.”
“Those people?”
“You know, the Mommybloggers?”
“I am convinced they all have bodies in the basement,” Carina said, her brow furrowed.
“And I am convinced that you need to stop listening to True Crime podcasts on the way to work.”
Carina rolled her eyes, but turned, settling against Maya’s chest. It reminded Maya of the day months before when she’d nearly killed Carina with a dubious lasagna. The way Carina had leaned back, had trusted that Maya would hold her up. When Maya thought about their reconciliation, that moment was precious to her. The first moment of hope. The relief of Carina letting her in. The relief of Carina’s body against hers.
Maya reclined, wrapping both arms around Carina’s middle. She kissed her temple, nuzzling her skin, relieved once more because nothing felt better than holding Carina.
Except maybe holding Liam.
“I think we need to write some lists,” Maya said, not wanting to make Carina anxious again. She was trying to do the opposite.
The best way to combat chaos was order.
“Like a schedule?” Carina asked, setting her hands on Maya’s thighs beneath the blanket.
“Sort of. Let’s start with the lawsuit. Figure out the steps.”
Carina shuddered, teary. “I am scared, Maya. I am scared what this means for the adoption. For my career. My reputation. I am scared of what it says about me that I can’t even remember this woman.”
“It says you are a busy doctor who delivers hundreds of babies every year. And it also says that you did not hurt that woman’s child because you remember every single birth complication. I know you do.”
For as much as Carina was a bringer of life, she took each loss personally. Labour could be unpredictable; ultrasounds and tests not always correct. She shouldered the pain of stillbirths, of children born ill, of children born too soon.
“Tomorrow you’re going to go find the patient’s file,” Maya said, sensing Carina needed someone to tell her where to start. Not because she couldn’t do it herself, but because she was exhausted and stressed and Maya could do this for her. Maya wanted to.
“I don’t know why I thought it would be here. I only keep notes from my research study at home. It would be a HIPAA violation to bring patient files home.”
“You’re going to talk to the hospital’s lawyer and you’re going to find out all the details. I know you’re scared, but this kind of thing happens every day. I’m sure some of your friends have been through it. Amelia or Teddy?”
Carina nodded to herself. “I think I will speak to Bailey too. She has so much experience and she…what is it…shoots…something about shooting?”
“Shoots from the hip?”
“Sì. I should know that one. The best Westerns were made by Italians.”
“Okay, we’ve got this. Tomorrow Liam and I are going to drive you to work. You’re going to talk to everyone you need to talk to, and review the patient file, and go from there.”
Carina puffed out her cheeks, but nodded again.
“And as for the IVF appointment, we can reschedule?” Maya asked, unsure how Carina was feeling about it. They’d barely had a chance to speak.
“No, I want to go. There is just a lot happening at the same time.”
“True, but we don’t have to make any decisions right now, Babe. We’re just gathering information. Same with the realtor.”
“Gathering information,” Carina repeated, tracing patterns over Maya’s sternum with her fingertips.
“You’re not alone, okay? You don’t have to do any of this by yourself.”
Carina sat up, biting her lip. The tears returned, her chin quivering as she stroked Maya’s cheek, tracing Maya’s jaw with her thumb.
“Today was hard,” She confessed. “It made me think about things…things I cannot bear to think about.”
“Because of Patient Zero?”
Carina shook her head, struggling. “No, because of Jack.”
Every instinct screamed at Maya to avoid this conversation. As a firefighter, she kept most of her fears in a locked box on a high shelf. She chose not to dwell on the what ifs or the risk – they were distractions that could lead to disaster. They were dangerous.
Maya didn’t want to hear the statistics about cancer rates amongst firefighters. She didn’t want to hear about burns or concussions. She didn’t want to go down that path. Especially as her eyes drifted to her phone where Carina had placed it on the coffee table.
Liam’s cheeks were so round. Maya was already addicted to kissing them.
“You hit your head the night you fell,” Carina whispered, crestfallen. “Jack said you were barely breathing when he found you. Tonight, when I was watching all of you comfort him, it was hard not to imagine you where he was. Hurt or worse. I get so scared, Maya. I try to be brave, I really do…”
Carina DeLuca was the bravest person Maya had ever met. Her wife was a survivor in more ways than one. She loved so openly, she flung herself into the world with all that she had, rejecting the darkness. Fighting for the light.
There was nothing Maya could say that wouldn’t sound like false promises. Her job was dangerous. There was always a chance that she wouldn’t make it home. Except Maya fought for the light too.
Burning buildings. Car accidents. Gas leaks.
Her own mind.
Maya fought for the light.
Her light.
Maya fought for Carina.
“I still have nightmares about the day the clinic was attacked,” Maya confessed, tucking a long strand of hair behind Carina’s ear.
At first, Carina looked confused. “You mean with the protestors? The car?”
“Yes. Diane says it’s because I didn’t get closure.”
As soon as she mentioned Diane, Carina took her hand, raising it to her lips. She kissed Maya’s knuckles and then her inner wrist, holding on like a lifeline.
“I think part of why I can’t let it go is because I was in a cave when I heard about it,” Maya explained, wanting Carina to know she wasn’t alone in her fears. “It was dark and confusing and I didn’t know if you were okay. In my dreams, I’m always in the cave. And somehow, I know you’re hurt and I…I can’t get out of the cave. No matter what I do. The rope breaks or the ground gives way…”
“Bambina,” Carina sighed, pressing her palm to Maya’s chest.
“But the closure thing? It’s because after, I couldn’t really do what I needed to do to feel better.”
“What do you mean?”
“We were in such a bad place, but when I got to the hospital that day? It killed me not to touch you, Carina.”
“I’m sorry,” Carina said softly. “If I had known…”
“No, no. We weren’t ready for what I needed. I knew that. But I think that’s why my head is kind of stuck on it. I don’t think I’ve ever been more afraid in my life, Carina.”
“What did you need? What did…what did you want?”
Maya tangled her fingers in Carina’s hair, using her other hand to trace the line of her cheekbone.
“I wanted to hold you,” Maya said. “To make sure you were real. That I wasn’t just imagining you. And…well…I wanted to take you to bed. I know I slept over that night, but…I wanted to touch you and taste you. Feel your skin against mine.”
“You wanted to make love.”
Maya blushed profusely. She wondered if she’d ever get used to the way Carina used the term with such nonchalance. There was nothing saccharine about it. It was real, and raw, and so intimate that sometimes Maya was left winded.
She nodded, her cheeks hot, almost bashful under Carina’s gaze.
“I am okay,” Carina promised, pressing her forehead to Maya’s. “No more nightmares, Bambina. I am here.”
“And I’m here too, Carina. I’m here with you.”
Liam chose that exact moment to cry out, a reminder that he was here too.
They both laughed, the tension breaking, and then Carina curled her hand into the collar of Maya’s t-shirt and held her still.
“I love you,” she said, brushing her lips against Maya’s, a sweet, needy kiss that had Maya yearning for more.
She moaned softly, stealing one more second before Liam’s cries finally forced them apart.
“I love you too,” Maya breathed, linking their fingers.
Without a word, Carina disappeared into the bedroom while Maya stepped into the kitchen to prepare Liam’s bottle. She could hear Carina over the monitor, comforting Liam in Italian, the lilting words a lullaby that soothed Maya too.
Carina cradled Liam in her arms as she sat in bed, her smile only for him until she looked up at the sound of Maya walking into the room. The fantasy of Carina holding their baby had lived in Maya’s mind for years. At first, it had been a pleasant dream. And then it became a mocking, painful nightmare of what they could not have.
But now?
Maya nearly floated to Carina’s side, crawling in behind her. They adjusted slightly, Carina once again leaning back into Maya, Maya’s arms around her, only this time Maya held Liam too.
“Smoothie time, Probie,” she said, handing Carina the bottle. Carina rubbed the nipple against Liam’s tiny lips and he latched immediately, one little hand resting over Carina’s as she fed him. He stared up, first at Carina, learning her face. Undoubtably falling in love because how could he do anything but fall in love with Carina?
Maya kissed Carina’s neck and stroked Liam’s hair, startled when she realized that he was now looking at her, watching her. Seeing her.
“I want to be his mom,” Carina said, her words full of longing.
Maya set her chin on Carina’s shoulder, taking in Liam’s button nose, taking in the way he fit in Carina’s arms.
She had a new baby. She was in the midst of a months-long adoption process full of unknowns.
And there was a very high probability that soon, they would try for a second baby.
Which potentially meant two babies.
She had a condo to sell and a house to buy.
She had a wife who was being sued, a friend whose career was over, and for a few hours earlier in the day, she’d seriously wondered if she had Ebola.
Maya couldn’t remember ever feeling happier.