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“Your hands are too cold, I’ll warm them up,” Steve’s words poured out through the darkness bringing calm after the storm he and Loki faced up above before they’d been caught up in the enemy’s trap together.
Loki felt warmth carry upon his pale skin serving as a soft reminder of the tenderness behind Captain America’s touch after the rescue mission took a dark turn all around them. They were far from the others, trapped together miles below the ground in a place that hindered Loki’s ability to utilize his magic and get them out of the bind. Distanced from any kind of escape they were huddled up together drenched and holding onto one another in the cooling quarters with neither acknowledging that they were beyond the rest of the team’s means of rescuing them.
“My hands are always cold Steven,” Loki replied behind a poignant smile, fighting against his everything to give into the moment surrounded by the strong arms he’d spent so much time wishing he could find his way into again after time and circumstance had pulled them in opposite directions, “You of all people should see that…”
“I know what I see and what you still want to keep hidden from me,” Steve’s index finger swept across the dip between Loki’s thumb and index finger. His gentle tone was filled with a different kind of concern that extended beyond their failure on the mission now that they were stretched out together a little beaten and worse for wear after their fall into darkness.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Loki feigned innocence tensing up against Steve’s tender touch knowing that there wouldn’t be an easy retreat from the uncomfortable conversation they were sharing with one another now that they were trapped together unable to escape. It was the one thing that Loki hadn’t factored into accepting this final mission with the team. Knowing just how close he and Steve would be Loki had been hesitant to tag along, yet never in his wildest dreams did he anticipate he’d be holding onto the one man who lived rent free in his mind as of late after he’d promised himself to stay far away.
“Sure, you do,” Steve’s warm words whispered over Loki’s shoulder, scattering across the back of his ear, and causing Loki’s determined resolve to slip with the strong, protective grip around him serving as a reminder of the feelings Loki had sworn to himself that he wouldn’t catch with the team leader so very close. Steve’s arm curled tighter around Loki’s lean frame, guiding Loki to sink into the strength of Steve’s body stretched out behind him, keeping them curled together in the dark against the failure that threatened to hit home between them in their new cage, “Tony said that you’re leaving us. That you’re going back home to Asgard.”
“That’s right,” Loki nodded feeling the weight of Steve’s embrace working to bring him to a different kind of turmoil. Remembering all the nights he’d hoped for the ability to lose himself in Captain America’s arms, Loki was reminded of the urgency he’d felt for something more in the past, yet the cards were never on the table for such a reality as far as Loki was concerned. In their intimate moments they’d never shared the affection that Loki had been aching for against all he’d promised himself he would feel for the man beside him, “It’s time to work on untangling the things left unsaid back home…”
“I thought this was your home now,” Steve spoke up behind an impassioned tone revealing with the sound the faint trace of sadness etched into the thought of Loki walking away from the team, “That we were also your family. That you were finally happy with all of us, feeling safe and…”
“That’s not why I’m leaving Steven,” Loki stiffened against Steve’s embrace working to muster up the courage to turn around and see the wounded expression on Steve’s handsome face before him.
“Then why?” Steve questioned loosening his grip on Loki only long enough to encourage Loki to meet his deep blue eyes and see the pain that Steve harbored within.
After Loki had been strategic in finding ways to avoid any close encounters with the good captain once it was clear that Loki’s feelings for the man who now held him close were unrequited in the time they’d spent together, Loki had convinced himself that this would never come to be. Yet somehow here he was forced to face Steve’s questioning behind a heavy heart and an ache to fill the void that he was convinced would always fester away at him in knowing how close he’d come to something real before he’d misread the situation and asked for too much in their time together. It was with those thoughts fresh on the mind that Loki swallowed down an uneasy breath and fought to slip out of the strong embrace that kept him close in the dark.
“Loki?” Steve’s voice was softer, gentler in ways that had Loki trembling in his arms despite his firm resolve to refuse to display any sign of weakness in Steve’s presence.
“Because Steven I’m needed back home and…” Loki began to convey his new version of the truth, working out the elaborate lie that felt beautifully weaved together in his mind, yet somehow when Steve’s thick gloved fingers were touching across his smooth, pale skin, Loki felt everything he’d resolved to say in his head fading away from the sound forming upon his lips.
“No,” Steve called him on his bluff, angling in closer with a tease of those thick, gloved fingers sinking into Loki’s damp, raven-colored hair, “I don’t believe that. You’re keeping something from me in all of this.”
“No, Steven, I’m not. It’s truly time for me to make my way back to all that I’ve left behind and…,” Loki argued behind a touch of a scowl.
“Yes, you are and it’s not going to work on me. Don’t try lying your way out of this because I know when you’re being untruthful,” Steve insisted inching in closer and causing that uncomfortable sensation that often filled Loki’s abdomen in their nearness to bloom and spread out across his cool skin creating an altogether different kind of warmth when Steve’s thumb was pushing over the center of Loki’s lips in a surprising motion, “Is it because of what we talked about before?”
“No, of course not. I already told you that I was feeling restless. That it wasn’t comfortable here sitting idle when there are far greater matters back home that need my attention,” Loki swallowed down a breath, fighting with all that he was to turn away, to find it in him to return to being a master of lies and his sharp wit, yet somehow with Steve’s fingers imprinting upon him in ways that had him remembering why he’d been desperate to leave, Loki fought to hide his heart and keep cool against his fantasy dream turned nightmare coming to life in Steve’s protective grip, “It was merely time to return to…”
Before Loki could finish his words, Steve was drawing him in, ignoring the circumstances behind their imprisonment and returning to the one thing Loki had been convinced could never be. When Steve’s lips came sweeping down upon Loki’s, kissing away any confusion that Loki might’ve carried with him after those few fleeting moments when Loki had taken a chance in revealing his affection with declaring his sentiment and kissing Steve nearly a week earlier only to have Steve walk away without saying another word on the matter, it seemed as if time stood still. It felt surreal to taste Steve upon his lips as Loki could clearly recall the way rejection tasted in Steve’s hasty retreat.
It had been soul crushing at the time Loki had taken his shot at revealing his heart which proved to be a disaster after Loki’s misstep in declaring the ‘L’ word without warning. It was the worst case of what Midgardians would refer to as mouth vomit, one so repugnant and ill-timed that he and Steve had been quick to avoid one another with Loki silently condemning himself for believing that he, of all people, could find himself experiencing the taste of something reminiscent to love with Steve Rogers. That was never part of the plan when they’d found one another. They’d both been clear on that when they’d come into one another’s orbit, promising to provide the physical comforts they’d needed with one another through the hurt at their lowest point. Through it all both had vowed to keep it free from emotion, not wanting to fall down the path to destruction that they had once experienced when their past relationships combusted in the worst possible ways.
It was through mourning the love they’d lost that they’d taken to holding each other, to experiencing pleasures and passions that those too concerned about emotion could never truly savor, yet somehow along the way through the lust and forbidden temptations, Loki had started to feel something more. It began with the nights that Steve chose to linger in Loki’s apartment, holding Loki in his arms after the sex was over and cuddling in ways that caused Loki to ache for the connection he’d lost when Tony had left him behind. Knowing that his heart had been broken by his former lover’s betrayal Loki vowed never again, yet somehow there he was spending his free time with a man so pure and good who’d offered Loki a taste of something beyond the physical comforts they’d agreed upon. It was the last thing Loki had meant to experience after knowing he was marked by tragedy and past mistakes, destined to be forever alone on his path to the unknown.
The connection with Steve had been clear. Their hurt had been their guide leading them to one another, yet somehow with those little subtle snuggles and the flirty, secret notes and silly gifts Steve had taken to leaving Loki around the tower, Loki had started to believe that perhaps their original arrangement had changed. Their nights went on a little bit longer each time they were together, their sex transcending to romantic strolls along the city at night and extravagant dinners at places Steve once said were of no interest to someone like him. For a moment it felt like it was real—like they’d evolved past friends with benefits to the world of dating, causing Loki’s head to fill with beautiful notions of things he’d sworn off after Tony’s abrupt dismissal of their relationship in favor of pursuing Steve’s best friend and then lover in secret as a means of dealing with his own demons had left Loki in shambles. It was the worst kind of hurt. One that Loki hadn’t anticipated he would ever feel a reprieve from, yet somehow Steve had changed all of that, bringing to life something that Loki, himself, hadn’t been entirely prepared for, which was why Loki had probably felt safe enough to reveal his heart, but it had been a mistake.
It had been another reason he’d been convinced that leaving was for the best, yet somehow all Loki’s thoughts and decisions were shattered by the way it felt to have Steve kissing him again as if he meant something more in the taste and holding him tight as if the idea of Loki leaving would shatter him if he let go. The warmth of Steve’s fingertips across Loki’s skin had him trembling against his need to be strong, fighting to remember why he’d ever believed walking away from Steve Rogers would be a good idea with Steve encouraging Loki to respond to the kiss the same way he’d done at the tower when he’d thrown caution to the wind and took a shot at something he’d convinced himself that Steve hadn’t wanted or needed in his life.
“Don’t go,” Steve pleaded as they parted breathless, his fingers still pushing through Loki’s damp, dark hair. Through the darkness Loki could see Steve’s blue eyes filled with the longing that Loki could feel in himself for so very long, “I screwed up that night when you told me how you felt. I know that now, but I was…afraid to face the truth in what was happening here—knowing the risk we’ve been taking together after we both lost so much but... It was that fear that caused me to retreat—caught up in the idea of changing this and causing us to break apart. Knowing what we both lost, I was so afraid of saying and doing something wrong to make you think that somehow what you felt wasn’t enough all because I was terrified of opening myself up to that kind of hurt again and…damn it, I know that sounds like an excuse but...I just…I didn’t know how to approach things considering the way we started together. We made so many promises, set out so many rules we pledged to adhere to when this all began. We both swore to each other that we wouldn’t let things go too far, especially after the way that you were hurting when Tony left things off between you like he did without letting you know the truth in his heart. With seeing him and Bucky together now knowing the ways that they lied to us at the start of their relationship…”
“It left the door open to a different kind of hurt and connection between us where we lied to one another in saying that sex could be enough for us despite our need for something more,” Loki softened his voice, lowering his hand to push over Steve’s chest and feel the strength of his racing heart beneath Loki’s cool touch, “We both cared very deeply about them and we believed they hurt us beyond repair, yet…”
“We felt solace in each other’s touch. We made a connection that over time had us both seeing that what we shared with Tony and Bucky always felt like it wasn’t enough,” Steve finished behind a faint tip of his head and a gentle skim of his fingers against the side of Loki’s face, “but this does. This thing we’ve found together…”
“I know now after my misstep the other day that it was simply because we were in pain, hurting over the love we lost and…” Loki tried to rationalize the aftermath of his declaration. Closing his eyes he thought back to what it had felt like being so close after he and Steve had come together once fate had found a way to pull Tony and Bucky into one another’s arms. The shock and hurt that came along with the very public outing of Tony and Bucky’s affair had been devastating driving both Steve and Loki to extremes, ready to run away and lose themselves to the anger and hurt, yet somehow, they’d worked out a compromise refusing to allow their former lovers newfound bliss to steal the lives they’d built for one another with the rest of the team. And so the arrangement between them began, perhaps at first to spite Tony and Bucky for their shameless exploits, but over time it had grown and evolved, shifting away from a need to hurt Tony and Bucky and find some not-so-secret retribution against what Loki and Steve had believed had been happening in their past relationships with their former lovers, “We were merely working to comfort each other through the hurt and…”
“It was never just about sharing the pain,” Steve reached for Loki again, dragging him in closer and surrounding Loki’s body with his strength and determination. Without warning Steve was seeking Loki’s lips out again, plundering in between his protesting words to offer up a tease of passion and urgency, to bring to life the things that Loki had convinced himself that he could never have with someone like Steve, yet somehow against their forced imprisonment they were coming together, tangled up in kisses and stolen touches that had Loki’s heart feeling heavy with hope and fear of what it would mean once they were out of harm’s way.
So caught up in what it meant to be in Steve’s arms, Loki gave himself to their kisses, squeezing at Steve’s shoulder and encouraging Steve to slide over him on the cold concrete floor knowing that it was the last place to find one another, yet somehow Loki was desperate to savor every second with the man he was prepared to leave behind. With a parting of his long legs, Loki silently invited Steve to slide over him and make himself comfortable in the growing heat between them. Encouraging Steve to keep kissing him, Loki’s arms surrounded Steve’s shoulders, wanting more than anything to keep holding on until finally breathless Loki’s head fell back against the concrete shivering and soaking up the beauty of the man above him.
“I want something more with you than the memory of missing out on what you offered to me at a time when my head was in the wrong place,” Steve confessed in a low, raspy whisper before dipping down to kiss Loki again, “and when we get out of here, I’m going to give you a million reasons to see that you belong here with us Loki. Regardless of what happened before this is where your future is at…”
“Didn’t much believe in a future before Anthony encouraged me to move into the tower,” Loki confessed with a poignant sigh as his fingers made lazy circling sweeps in the dip between Steve’s shoulder blades, “and after that…well, I learned the hard way that passion doesn’t bring about the kind of happy endings you Midgardians dream about and bring to life those beautiful stories that are penned…”
“Maybe not, but I’m not Tony,” Steve confessed dipping down to nip at Loki’s bottom lip once again, “I’m not going to shatter your heart to pieces because I wouldn’t bring you into something unless I was sure and…”
“You don’t have to work to convince me to stay for the team. If that’s why you’re saying this…” Loki was quick to answer, feeling the stab of insecurity serving as a painful reminder of the way Steve had walked away when he’d confessed his affection. Reaching out to stroke Steve’s cheek, Loki let out a pained breath and found himself caught up in turmoil again.
“I’m saying it because it’s the truth. Because as much as the team needs you, I need you more. Maybe I always did,” Steve pleaded with Loki behind an impassioned kiss, delivering more behind the taste than he’d manage to put into words before he stiffened over Loki and retreated from their embrace. Pushing himself on his elbows, Steve swallowed down a breath, fighting against the need to leave things unspoken between them as his gloved fingers caressed Loki’s sculpted cheekbone to reveal the one thing that he’d been holding onto so tight that it damn near shattered him in his retreat, “I love you too. Even if I wasn’t brave enough to tell you then, I’m telling you now. Every morning when I wake up you’re the first thing on my mind. Though admittedly that’s easy to say because you’re always in my arms, yet each night when we’re coming together to share in this thing we’ve found, I realize it’s never felt this good. Even when I was with Bucky there was always this distance—this tension that time had put between us leading us down different paths, wanting different things. For so long I hated that. Felt like I’d been cheated out of something wonderful, but then fate gave me you and I saw that maybe what I thought was love with him was only a childhood infatuation that took too long to shake. He meant a lot to me but being with you—sharing in what we have together—knowing how incredible it’s been to share my time with you…Loki, I can’t imagine ever wanting that with anyone else. Not when everyone else I’ve ever known pales in comparison to the light I see in you.”
“Oh please,” Loki couldn’t help, but roll his eyes and smirk at Steve’s praise, “Certainly now you’re getting carried away in all of this with…”
“I was afraid to tell you I loved you because I didn’t want to lose you like I lost so many other things before, but now I see in my inability to say it, I sacrificed the greatest love I’ve ever known in my failure to free my heart from the hurt long enough to be honest with myself. And you. But I don’t want to do that anymore. Loki, I know that I hurt you and maybe because of that I don’t deserve a second chance, but I promise you that you’ve always held a place in my heart,” Steve reached for Loki’s long slender fingers and pushed them over the center of his chest, “And even if I can’t convince you to stick around, I promise you that you always will mean everything to me. With all that I am I love you and even with you gone, I know that feeling won’t ever escape me. Not when I feel it as much as I do.”
“Steven…” Loki’s green eyes clouded with tears, his heart spreading warmth over his cool body, tight and twisted beneath Steve on the concrete as he, too, was reaching into Steve’s damp blonde hair and encouraging Steve to dip in closer to seal their promise with a tender kiss, “I love you too. More than I imagine my heart could ever experience after everything was said and done. Anthony may have shattered me in his retreat, but in your arms I find myself whole and hoping for that something that was always just beyond my reach—meant for someone outside of what I am and…”
“It was always meant for you. For us,” Steve promised pulling Loki into his arms and cradling him close, “because what we found together is our saving grace. It’s the one thing I’m certain will get us out of this mess we’ve found ourselves in and back to where we were always meant to be together.”
“Together,” Loki smiled snuggling into Steve’s chest as the sounds above indicated that perhaps their team had tracked them down to their cage, yet with the strength of Steve’s arms around him and the love that filled Loki’s heart knowing that Steve felt it too opening up the door to new possibility, Loki vowed to savor their time together just a touch longer knowing that perhaps this time together they could find their happily ever after.