Work Text:
The kitchen is a sacred space.
This is why, when an intruder attempts to break into your home and kill your liegelord in an amazingly misguided attempt to gain power and influence, and does so by going through your kitchen with their mud-clad shoes, the only recourse is torture.
I have an uncompromising standard of cleanliness for my work. The first rule of any worthwhile cook is to have a hygienic place of work. My kitchen is rigorously maintained and kept free of any stray fur or mysterious stains despite over a dozen rambunctious children regularly asking for meals and cooking lessons. It has even survived that bastard Choi Han’s singular attempt to cook while I was shopping for groceries.
My kitchen has never had mud trekked through it. It never will again.
To appropriately punish someone for violating guidelines even small children had no complaints about, first don a pair of gloves. I prefer white. A cook’s hands must always be free of anything that could contaminate their food.
Once the criminal is restrained, enact your personal brand of punishment.
I used three pairs of white gloves that day.
The next intruder did not trek mud through my kitchen. They learned from the previous idiot’s mistakes.
Recipe for Great and Mighty Apple Pie - named by the children.
Ingredients
- Apples
- The type is dependent on personal tastes and availability within your region. I tend towards using Lord apples for their tartness and bitter aftertaste when the apple pie is meant for the young master. I recommend Blue Lady apples if your dish is meant for children; they’re sweet but not so sweet that an adult palate cannot stand it.
- Flour/starch
- If your diner has an intolerance for the more common flour, potato starch may act as a suitable substitute.
- Sugar/syrup
- The syrup may be used if your diner is intolerant to sugar. Be mindful that the syrup does not have added sugar, and taste test to see how its flavour affects the recipe.
- Yeast/baking powder
- Baking powder developed by alchemists in the free city works as an excellent leavener if your intended diners are allergic to yeast.
- Lard
- Butter can be switched out for lard if more well-off households prefer to do so.
- Eggs/applesauce
- The eggs are intended to bind the batter. If your diner is allergic to eggs, you may substitute with applesauce, though be mindful of not overpowering them with the added apple flavour.
Mix together 2 cups flour, 1 cup sugar, and about a bronze coin’s weight of your leavener. Add 1 cup’s worth of lard. Mix well. Add three eggs and mix again to make the dough. Let it rest in your cellar.
Once the dough is cool, cut it in half. Roll out one half to fill your pan. After molding it to your pan, grate your apples and sprinkle liberally over the dough. You may add small pieces of nuts, cinnamon, raisins, or whatever you may prefer for flavour and texture.
Roll out the remaining half of dough to fit your pan, and place it over the grated apples and optional foods. Remember to pat it down so the dough doesn’t crumble.
Bake until the layers of dough are golden brown.
When done, cut and serve.