Work Text:
Chest to chest
Nose to nose
Palm to palm
We were always just that close
Wrist to wrist
Toe to toe
Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose
Jay arrived home ahead of Jungwon tonight; usually, it was the other way around with Jungwon waiting ‘til the hours of night for the older male to come home from his office. Jay was reading when Jungwon had finally gotten home as well. They exchanged gentle greetings before the younger took a quick bath. It wasn’t long before the pair got tangled up in the sheets, bare bodies warm against each other as the orange-yellow hues from the lamp illuminated their silhouettes.
Jungwon missed Jay. Yes, they saw each other in the morning, but the draining hours at work made the younger miss his lover more so than usual, leading him to crave Jay in every way possible; and judging by the way Jay tenderly kisses and gently makes love to him on their soft cotton sheets, he presumes the elder missed him just as much.
“Tired?” Jay asks with a low voice later on, fingers absentmindedly drawing gentle patterns on Jungwon’s arm.
The younger male responds with a nod, “Very.”
“You should rest up, then.” the older male’s breath tickles Jungwon’s face as he chuckles.
The younger hums before releasing. “Aren’t you going to ask why I had to stay at work so late?” Jungwon mumbles, words muffled as he nuzzles closer to Jay, bare chest against bare chest.
They could feel each other’s heartbeats as Jay’s left hand holds onto the other’s waist while his right one travels up to rub the younger’s back. “I don’t need to.” he says simply, “I already know.”
“Right.” Jungwon doesn’t know if there’s disappointment in his voice, but he hopes Jay doesn't pick up on it. “Of course.”
A few more seconds pass in silence before Jungwon pulls away just enough to look at Jay’s face - he’s smiling at him, gently of course, but there’s an unreadable expression in his dark eyes. The younger can’t quite place a finger on it, but it’s not the first time he’s seen that look in Jay’s eyes.
In fact, it’s the same gaze he’s been seeing these past weeks. Disconnected? Distant? Distracted? Jungwon isn’t sure, and he isn’t really in the mood to ponder on such gloomy thoughts.
“What’s wrong?” Jay asks, but Jungwon knows he isn’t really interested to know the answer. Or at least, that’s what he thinks.
Instead of giving an answer, Jungwon shuffles even closer, pressing his lips to the elder’s. The touch of their lips burns him in both good and bad ways, but the younger chooses to ignore the latter effect. Jay’s response is instant as he kisses back, arms coiling around Jungwon’s waist as if leaving a sliver of space between them was a heinous crime. Jungwon can feel every inch of Jay’s skin on his - it feels like they’re melting into one.
And when Jay kisses deeper, more passionately, Jungwon’s head spins like he’s been thrown into a delirious spell. It’s ironic, he thinks, that Jay’s lips feel so soft and velvety against his mouth, yet as the elder kisses him senseless, swallowing his barely-audible whines, a sinking feeling settles in Jungwon’s heart.
It’s ironic, he thinks, that Jay's arms coiled around him feel like a safety net, yet when the elder’s hands caress the curve of his lower back, it stings as if Jay’s palm were covered with thorns.
But Jungwon doesn't pull away; he just lets himself feel the pain and pleasure in Jay’s embrace, surrendering to the enticing allure of the elder’s lips. Amidst this irony and unspoken rift, he does try to make sense of whatever that nagging feeling is, but at the end of it all, he’s left with tangled strings and even more confusion.
He believes there’s an answer. What that answer is, he isn’t sure, but he believes it’ll show itself one day. He’s hopeful and optimistic because he knows he loves Jay, and that Jay loves him the same.
But every now and then, he does wonder if he was just believing a lie.
It’s ironic, he thinks, that Jay was making him feel both heaven and hell at the same time.
So how come when I reach out my finger
It feels like more than distance between us?
Jay is already asleep; that doesn’t surprise Jungwon. After all, Jay was the type to fall asleep quickly. They’re laying on the bed, facing each other, so the younger finds himself staring at the sleeping face of his lover. Jay looks very intimidating when awake, features strong and sculpted; but when he’s asleep, that all melts into something more serene, almost vulnerable - lips are slightly pouted, eyelashes dusting his cheeks.
Jungwon used to love staring at Jay’s sleeping face. It used to give him a sense of pride and comfort knowing that the elder allowed himself to seem “softer” when he was with Jungwon. It was a side no one really got to see except for him and a few close friends. Jay was a busy man, so whenever he was asleep, he simply looked like the Jay he fell in love with back when they were in college - not Jay the powerful and commanding CEO, but Jay the sweet and caring gentleman.
But for some reason, Jungwon feels a twinge of pain in his heart now that he looks at the sleeping male. What was once tenderness and warmth blooming in his chest is now replaced by a cold desperation - or was it a cold longing? He’s not sure if he’s exaggerating or being irrational, but Jungwon can’t help but think that seeing a sleeping Jay is basically a huge slap to his face.
It was like a twisted, silent way of the universe telling him that the elder was done for the night, too tired to deal with or spend any more seconds with Jungwon. It was like saying that once Jay’s eyes were closed, the door to his heart and mind had been shut with a big “DO NOT ENTER” sign plastered in front.
Jungwon reaches a hand out to gently trace the features of Jay’s face. The tips of his fingers make contact with the older male’s skin, and though the touch is warm, Jungwon feels like his body is freezing.
Though they are touching, it feels like there’s a very thin film between his touch and Jay’s skin - barely there, but it still somehow makes its existence known, teasing and taunting Jungwon like a microscopic white lie.
With each drag of his finger across Jay’s tanned skin, Jungwon’s heart sinks deeper and deeper into a dark pit of confusion and desperation.
“We’re this close…” he breathes out shakily, fingers coming to a stop to gently cradle Jay’s jaw, “but why do I feel like the distance keeps growing?”
Just when I felt like giving up on us
You turned around and gave me one last touch
That made everything feel better
And even then, my eyes got wetter
So confused, wanna ask you if you love me
But I don't wanna seem so weak
Maybe I've been California dreaming
It goes on for the next few days. The cycle repeats itself.
It’s not completely loveless as Jungwon can still see the tenderness and love Jay has for him. It’s not completely dry because Jungwon can still feel that Jay cares for him. But the distance is undoubtedly there. Simply put, Jungwon knows that their relationship and love is deep and genuine, but something has been wedged in between as if cutting the life support from what keeps their love alive - a temporary lull? A burnout?
Jungwon doesn’t want to think Jay has fallen out of love. He knows Jay is the person who holds the most love he can possibly have in his heart. He knows Jay would break mountains for him, so falling out of love doesn’t seem very likely.
But he does think that something’s wrong - it can be fixed perhaps, but he doesn’t know where to start. How can he when he doesn’t even know what specifically is wrong? He tries again and again to pinpoint it, but alas, he goes around in circles with nothing to make sense of.
And when he thinks he’s cracked the case, he doesn’t know how to bring it up. Or maybe he doesn’t want to face it.
But he knows he has to.
Perhaps it was his fault for not reaching out to talk sooner, or perhaps it wasn’t. Jungwon isn’t so sure - Jay was usually the one who initiated heart to heart conversations. But Jungwon wishes he took the initiative sooner.
He wishes he spoke up sooner though, because on a supposedly quiet night, the deafening silence of their disconnect growled into something explosive after tensions rose. Jungwon thinks he should have chosen a different time, but could he blame himself? The tightness in his heart was becoming too much, and he just needed to finally get it off his chest.
Jay had just returned from work, obviously exhausted and worn out. But Jungwon was just as worn out, even if he tried to not show it. He was tired of silently pondering and trying to figure things out by himself. He was tired of wondering whether something was wrong, or if his mind was just playing tricks. He was tired of the nights they’d make love or when Jay showed that sweet side of his, only for him to be out of reach for the rest of their hours together.
He knows relationships aren’t perfect, but Jungwon was tired of thinking that maybe his gloomier thoughts were right - what if Jay didn’t want this anymore?
Though it disheartened him, he couldn’t blame Jay entirely. They fell in love when they were college students, or simply a time when things were simpler and less overwhelming - when their days could be spent in their own little world.
He couldn’t blame Jay if somewhere along the line, he lagged behind as Jay’s charming personality found its way into the corporate world of the rich and powerful. He wouldn’t blame Jay if the elder found his true love in his stunning career, or if he found more joy in the elite social circles.
He can’t bring himself to blame Jay if that truly were the case, but he still lets himself feel worn out over having to wonder if that was certainly the truth. Jungwon believes it would have been better if Jay simply said so; that way, the younger wouldn’t have to cling to whatever broken pieces were left of a relationship that was potentially about to end.
So despite Jay clearly wanting to end his night quietly, Jungwon confronted him.
An argument broke out. Tensions rose, and voices got louder with every word exchanged. Statements that weren’t meant to be said were thrown around, invisible daggers launching across the room to pierce each male. Hearts were bleeding out without anything to stop the leakage. Tears streamed down cheeks like a dam that had broken down.
And amidst the raised voices of irrationality and heightened emotions, there was a broken calm that rendered everything silent.
“Do you still love me?” Jungwon asks, voice barely audible, strained and on the verge of choking on another sob.
A mere whisper of doubt that disarmed Jay, eyes wide with shock at the sudden question. He sees the tears that won’t stop trailing down Jungwon’s cheeks, falling down onto the carpeted floor like raindrops. Pain overtakes the irritation in his heart, but before he can reach out to console his lover, Jungwon is already halfway up the stairs, never looking back.
Later that night, the pair still sleep on the same bed, their backs turned to each other. Jungwon doesn’t know if Jay’s asleep or just lying down in silence, but he knows for a fact that he himself can’t sleep.
The room feels darker than usual, a heavy tension taunting him like the devil. He feels like thorny vines are crawling around him, constricting every inch of his body and squeezing the life out of him.
It crushes him again, and he can’t help the tears that escape him. He shakes, trying to control his sobs from breaking the deafening silence of the room.
Jay isn’t stupid. He isn’t oblivious to the quiet sniffles that somehow escape Jungwon. He knows Jungwon better than anyone, so despite the younger’s efforts to keep quiet, Jay can pick up on his held-back whimpers.
He admits to himself that this was his fault. Yes, he was a busy man, but that wasn’t an excuse for letting himself drift away from the person he loved the most. He didn’t mean for things to become like this, but unconsciously, he let it happen.
And Jay has had his share of disappointments and losses in the workplace, but none of those compared to how defeated he felt for breaking Jungwon and tearing his heart apart.
He squeezes his eyes shut, jaw clenching as he takes several deep breaths, berating himself for being so stupid. When he opens his eyes again, there’s a different fire in his gaze. Without any second thoughts, he carefully turns around to face his lover.
“Jungwon.” he breaks the lull of the room with a quiet voice, arms tentatively wrapping around the younger’s torso.
The minute the elder’s arms are wrapped around him, Jungwon breaks down, sobs rattling his frame. Jay doesn’t say anything; he simply holds the latter in his arms, his hold protective as he nuzzles his sculpted nose into the younger’s hair.
Jungwon admits that the mere feeling of Jay’s embrace instantly relieved a huge part of his mood; something about Jay’s warmth was always comforting. The sensation overwhelms him, and he starts to cry some more. He’s shown so much weakness already tonight, so he’d rather keep quiet and just relish in his lover’s touch.
But when Jay utters a gentle “I’m sorry”, Jungwon instantly turns to face the other.
He cranes up to look into Jay’s eyes; it’s not unreadable this time. Though he sees the pain mixed with a hint of regret, the familiar warmth and love peek through his dark orbs. Jungwon’s eyes well with tears at seeing Jay so defeated, but he steels himself and searches the elder’s gaze for any ounce of anger. When he doesn’t see any, he swallows hard and urges himself to speak.
“Do you still love me?” Jungwon repeats his question from earlier.
And at that, Jay is the one who cries.
He doesn’t sob or sniffle or whimper. He simply lets his tears fall, graceful and gentle like himself. Jungwon is the one who's hurting the most, but he still has the heart to reach up and brush the tears away.
Jay swallows the lump in his throat before enveloping Jungwon’s hand with his own, fingers lacing with the younger’s. “I love you, Jungwon.” he breathes out, “I won’t ever stop loving you. I will always love you for as long as I breathe.”
A small smile graces Jungwon’s lips as he shyly nods. He closes his eyes, letting his tears fall for the umpteenth time that night. His bottom lip quivers, and it breaks Jay’s heart to see his lover like this. It’s his turn to reach up and brush the younger’s tears away before pressing gentle kisses to his flushed, tear-stained cheeks.
“I’m sorry.” Jay says gently, “I’m sorry if I’ve been distant from you these days. I never meant to make you feel like you didn’t matter anymore.”
Jungwon shakes his head. He takes a deep breath before replying, “I know you’re busier nowadays, and work is more stressful than usual.”
“That’s not an excuse.” the elder responds, “It’s not an excuse for me to not pay attention to you or give you my time. I won’t make excuses, Jungwon.”
In this California king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I've been California wishing on these stars
For your heart, for me
My California king
A moment of silence stretches between them before Jay speaks again. “Yes, I’ve been busier. Yes, I’m more stressed out than usual. And I guess…I didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t know where to let it out. I didn’t want to make you an outlet and burden you with my work. I didn’t want to seem weak and tired in front of you because I knew you’d worry.” he says, eyes apologetic as he stares at Jungwon’s glassy orbs, “So I shut myself away, hoping those feelings would just go away eventually. But what I didn’t realize is that I was shutting you out as well.”
Jay kisses the top of Jungwon’s head before holding him tighter, “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m sorry for shutting you out. I’m sorry for hurting you with my pride.”
He then kisses the younger’s lips softly, touch so tender Jungwon feels fluffy inside. “And I’m sorry for making you feel like I didn’t love you anymore.” another kiss. “I love you so fucking much.” another kiss. “I’ll do everything and anything to make it up to you, sweetheart.”
Jungwon feels himself relax completely, the tightness in his heart now loosening as his shoulders feel lighter. His heart stops sinking and is finally flying back up to where it belongs. “I love you too, Jay.” he whispers gently, throat hoarse from crying.
He brings the faces closer, foreheads and noses touching in a display of intimacy. “And please don’t ever think I’ll love you less just because you show me a more ‘tired and troubled’ Jay. Don’t think I’ll be burdened if you want to unload your stresses. When I love you, I love you through the good and bad - the ups and downs.”
Their bed certainly was spacious, and for a while, Jungwon did feel the disconnect and distance despite sharing the space with Jay just centimeters away from him.
And on those nights with Jay asleep ahead, Jungwon would wish upon the stars for his and Jay’s hearts to align again - to be connected together like before; for their love to break down whatever invisible walls separated them on that shared space.
And perhaps the stars heard him. Perhaps Jay heard him.
“I know that now.” Jay smiles warmly, hand travelling to the back of Jungwon’s nape to massage it, “Thank you, Jungwon, for loving me. I know it’s imperfect, but I’ll continue to love you the way you deserve to be loved.”
Jungwon nods his head, giggling when the tip of their noses rub against each other, “You already love me enough, Jay. Nothing makes me happier than to know I get to be loved by you.”
They share a tender smile, erupting in giddy giggles before Jay leans closer to seal their words with a kiss.
And as they laid together on this king-sized bed, one thing was certain - Jungwon’s heart was Jay’s, and Jay’s was his.
Their disconnected hearts may have distanced them from each other, but now that they’ve reconnected, no amount of space could come in between their joined hearts. Nothing would break their love for each other.
Not anymore.