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"HONK!"
"Shut up," McKay snarled bad-temperedly. The flightless bird that was the object of his ire took no notice. It ruffled its wings and settled in more firmly against Rodney's side.
"HONK!"
"Lighten up, McKay, it's just a penguin. Sort of," Sheppard admonished. The colonel was sprawled on the tundra at Rodney's side, petting another almost-penguin absently.
"Rabid horny penguin who wants to mate with me!" McKay emphasized.
"Cute, though," Ronon put in from where he sat. The big Satedan had three of the little black and white birds perched on his lap, all making contented cooing noises. Rodney shot him a look.
"You're all insane," he muttered, trying to edge away from his love-sick avian friend. The penguin snagged the collar of his uniform in her (his? Rodney decided it didn't bear thinking about) beak and jerked him back.
"HONK!"
"How long is Teyla going to take with those negotiations?" Rodney whined. "It's already been an hour!"
"It's been ten minutes, Rodney, and relax. It's not like we could have gone with."
"Stupid matriarchal society, doesn't allow men into the settlement," McKay grumbled. The penguin snuggled into him and he pushed at it. "Stop shoving, you undertall feather bed. Personal space is an important requirement in a relationship like ours."
"Relationship, McKay?" Ronon asked in an amused tone.
"She's apparently not going to leave me alone, so Laura and I have to set some boundaries."
Sheppard snorted a laugh, startling the penguin under his hand. "Sorry," he apologized to it. "Laura?" he asked McKay. "As in Cadman?"
"He named the last animal after Colonel Carter," reminded Ronon.
"I would not stoop to grace this...this...beast with Samantha Carter's good name," McKay huffed. "It just so happens that this bird annoys me and so does Cadman."
Sheppard rolled his eyes and flopped onto his back. His penguin climbed on top of him and perched on his chest like the king of the mountain. "I shall call mine Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my little Squishy." Ronon stared at the colonel as if he might just be a little bit insane. "Come on, little Squishy," Sheppard coaxed, holding out one hand to the bird. Squishy honked and pecked at Sheppard's fingertips. John yelped in surprise and jerked upright, sending the bird tumbling off him. "Ow! Bad Squishy, bad Squishy!" Ronon was now pretty positive that Sheppard had lost his mind.
McKay, for his part, was laughing his ass off. His laughter bothered his feathery mate, who made her displeasure known very clearly.
"HONK!"
"Deaf and sentenced to life with a penguin for a wife." Rodney frowned. "I want to go home."
Sheppard glanced up, then scrambled to his feet. "Perfect timing, here comes Teyla."
The Athosian woman was picking her way across the tundra on the way back from the village. Ronon gently set aside his penguin admirers and stood as well. Rodney didn't have that kind of luck. Each time he tried to put Laura away, she pecked his hand viciously.
"HONK!"
By the time Teyla joined them, Rodney's hands were bloody and he was trying manfully not to cry. The sadistic penguin stopped pecking as soon as Rodney stopped moving and settled contentedly next to him. "What's the good word, Teyla?" Sheppard asked. Teyla shook her head at him despairingly.
"The word is not good, Colonel. The Felari are adamant in their belief that any society that associates so closely with men cannot truly be as advanced as they claim."
"Their loss." With a sigh, he turned for the gate. "Okay, let's head home."
"HONK!"
"Help?" came a small voice from the ground. Everyone looked down to see Rodney still in the clutches of Laura the penguin.
Ronon rolled his eyes and Teyla looked incredibly confused. "You don't want to know," Dex assured her.
Sheppard's lips thinned. He walked over to McKay and the bird and knelt next to the pair. Laura gave him the evil eye, but John Sheppard could give just as good as he got on that front. "He's taken," he said firmly to the bird before drawing Rodney to him and kissing him firmly on the mouth.
"HONK!"
The penguin was not in the least pleased. Sheppard released Rodney from the kiss and looked down at her darkly. "Now scat."
The penguin scrambled away.
"Of course that figures," Rodney griped. "Colonel John Sheppard, woman charmer and penguin charmer alike."
"And scientist charmer," Sheppard reminded him, offering his hand to pull McKay off the ground.
"Very funny." McKay took his hand before remembering that Laura had pecked his hands to a bloody death. "Yow!" he hollered, letting go of Sheppard's hand halfway up from the ground. He fell back to the earth with a bump and started in on a tirade.
"Oh, thanks a lot! Now I'll have to add massive bruises to pecked hands and a frozen ass, not to mention the psychological trauma of being hit on by a bird. We're never allowed to gate to a world like this again, never ever and forever-"
Sheppard kissed him again. Just to shut him up.
Ronon and Teyla rolled their eyes at each other. "They're ridiculous," grunted Ronon.
"Very," Teyla agreed.
"Want to?"
"I do not see why not."
So Ronon kissed Teyla and John kissed Rodney on the snow-covered tundra of MR3-468. And not so far away, Squishy and Laura the penguins came together with a joyful noise.
"HONK!"
In the end, everyone got what they wanted.