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The condo didn’t have a balcony.
Maya had spent years wishing for one – the opportunity to sit outside, to breathe in fresh air, without the need to leave home. A major part of the house’s selling point had been its backyard. It wasn’t big, but it was theirs.
Grass and a patio where Maya had set up a BBQ and a few chairs. An umbrella that Carina insisted they buy to protect Maya’s pasty white skin.
There was nothing particularly magical about any of it – but Maya imagined a future where Liam would run through the sprinkler while Carina sunbathed. She pictured herself in that scene too, spraying Liam with the hose or trying her hand at a vegetable garden or spraying Carina with the hose too, just to hear her indignant shriek.
Maya!
The last syllable emphasized.
It was far too early in the day to be sitting outside, but Maya needed to not be in doors. The walls and the ceiling were stifling. For as much as she always found comfort in her bed and in Carina, even the sheets had felt constricting and uncomfortable. She needed space, she needed deep breaths, she needed the quiet.
Wrapped in blankets, Maya shivered as she sat and watched the sunrise from her patio. A cup of tea would fix the problem, but she couldn’t eat or drink until after her procedure later that afternoon. She just hoped she hadn’t messed it all up. She hoped they’d get enough eggs.
She hoped she wouldn’t ruin this.
Her thoughts were muddled and unfocused. Every thought seemed in conflict with the other – she couldn’t settle. Even the simple act of sitting in a chair was proving difficult as she bounced her leg and tried to do the calming breathing exercises Diane had suggested. She’d never quite mastered them, unable to quiet her endlessly moving mind.
Flashes of Mason’s face pushed their way in, flashes accompanied by guilt and heartbreak. She closed her eyes, both hands finding the chair’s armrests where she squeezed until her knuckles turned white, as if doing so would erase the anger in her brother’s eyes, his disgust.
Let the light in…
She imagined herself cracking open, amber ore shining from each shattered sliver, and like always, Carina was there as Maya stumbled to mentally free herself from all the hurt.
Carina in their kitchen.
Carina standing in a room bathed in sunlight, the house yellow and gold as Maya walked in, as she dragged her darkness with her. It was no match for Carina’s joy. For the way Carina had grinned and called Maya love and made her laugh.
“No peeking,” Carina said, scolding, though Maya could hear the giggle in her tone too. She sat on the kitchen counter obediently, the ribbon around her eyes blinding except for the bottom where she could make out Carina’s shadow coming closer.
Carina between her knees. Carina’s body so warm, so close.
A day spent in turmoil and now Carina was here, Carina who flitted in and out of Maya’s space, Carina whom Mason said was a blight on the world…
Carina was the world.
She was the stars and the ocean currents and the wind.
Maya was ready to drown in her. To lose herself – the thought made her giddy, a feeling she’d thought lost in Mason’s scowl.
When a clever finger traced her mouth, Maya grinned, leaning in, anticipating lips that she’d needed for hours and hours except…
They were gone. Pulled away from her with a low chuckle, and Maya wasn’t interested in teasing anymore. She wasn’t interested in waiting.
Without the blindfold, it was clear that Carina was headed to find her beloved chocolate sauce, but Maya stopped her with needy hands.
“I want…” Carina whined, eyes round with surprise, though her whine was silenced by Maya’s kiss.
She didn’t make a sound as Maya lowered her hands, finding the button Carina’s jeans. She only smirked and then bit her lip when Maya slipped her fingers lower, into her panties.
“You taste so good,” Maya said, stroking between Carina’s legs, coating her fingers in silk. “I don’t want to taste anything else.”
This time, it was Maya that stepped away, teasing, leaving Carina breathless against the fridge. Maya raised her hand to her lips, sucking her glistening fingers, never breaking eye contact with Carina.
The doughnuts were left behind as Maya chased Carina towards their bedroom, Carina’s squealing laughter miraculously not enough to wake Liam. In a room turned warm yellow by the sun, Maya stripped Carina naked and then stripped herself, tossing away every moment of loss and doubt.
She found sanctuary in the curve of Carina’s breast. She found solace in Carina’s sharp hip bones.
She found love between Carina’s legs. She found home.
Maya’s daydream was interrupted by the sound of the screen door followed by grumbling. She cracked one eye open, unable to utter a word before Carina appeared wrapped in blankets, her hair wild from sleep.
“Bambina, dio mio it is too cold to be outside!” she said, wagging one finger in Maya’s direction.
Despite the red creases left from her pillow across her cheek and her silly, rainbow PJ bottoms, Maya thought her wife had never looked more beautiful.
“Come here, grouchy pants,” Maya laughed, patting her lap.
Carina’s frowned deepened, but was almost immediately replaced by a smile as she padded towards Maya, baby monitor in hand. She shivered as she sat, leaning heavily against Maya’s chest, burrowing against her for warmth.
Her elbow caught Maya’s breast, a sharp jab that caused a throb.
“Crap,” Maya hissed, trying to find a comfortable position. “Sorry, my boob.”
Carina pouted, cupping Maya’s cheek and then reluctantly stood, taking the chair next to Maya with a loud sigh.
“I will kiss your boobs better when I can,” Carina promised, tucking her legs to her chest and pulling the blanket tightly around her body.
Maya nodded, reaching out for Carina’s hand, wanting to touch her wife. Skin to skin.
“Are you nervous?” Carina asked, rubbing Maya’s knuckles with her thumbs.
She looked so happy, so hopeful. Maya tightened her grip.
“A little,” she confessed. “I didn’t ruin it, right? It’s still okay?”
Carina leaned closer, stroking Maya’s jaw line, her face so kind.
“It is more than okay,” she said. “You didn’t do anything wrong, amore mio.”
“Are you upset that Beckett helped? I know he isn’t your favourite person.”
Carina’s smile faltered, though she never stopped tracing Maya’s chin. “I’m grateful he was there to help you. I wish I could have been there – you were hurting and upset…I guess I’m just glad that you found comfort in him. Because it wasn’t always like that.”
“No. It wasn’t.”
For as much as Maya hated thinking about last year, her memories around Beckett were particularly difficult. But she’d meant what she said to him – they wore the same uniform, they were on the same team. Maya would risk her life to save his without a second thought and she knew he would do the same for her. It was a code that was likely difficult for Carina to understand.
But Sean Beckett was Maya’s brother, as strange as it was to admit. Moreso than Mason…
“He said I was a good mom,” Maya whispered almost to herself. “I don’t know why it meant so much coming from him.”
“It’s because he didn’t need to say anything at all. He chose to. And he’s right.”
“I hope I am. I want to be.”
Maya’s eyes drifted to the baby monitor where Liam was fast asleep in his crib.
“You are,” Carina said, tucking a strand of hair behind Maya’s ear. “I always knew you would be, but seeing it now? You are so wonderful with him, Maya. He loves you so much.”
“Mason said I shouldn’t be allowed to have kids. That we shouldn’t be allowed to have kids.”
Carina exhaled sharply through her nose, her eyes flashing with barely concealed anger.
“He was so hateful,” Maya said, her voice catching. “He…he mocked Liam. So why do I feel like this?”
“Like what, Bambina?” The anger was gone, replaced by open worry and empathy. Carina was listening to her, she was entirely focused on Maya and Maya’s needs. It made Maya feel so loved.
“Like he died, which is a horrible thing to say to you, I’m so sorry, Babe, I shouldn’t…”
“No, no. I understand what you mean.”
“You do?”
“Yes. In some ways, maybe it is easier for me.”
Maya raised her eyebrows. “But…Andrew is…I mean…”
“Andrea is frozen as he was,” Carina said, finding Maya’s hand again. “When he died, he was still my silly little brother and he will always be that way. But even though Mason is alive, he is not the little brother you knew or you thought you knew. I get to keep Andrea with me forever – the person he was will never change. The version of Mason you loved is gone, but Mason is not. It is a double loss. The Mason from the past. And the Mason from the future. The one you wanted with him.”
“I had to choose between keeping him in my life and losing you. It wasn’t a choice. It was never a choice. I’m just…I’m so sad.”
There was a time not long ago where Maya would have shoved down her feelings. Where the idea of voicing her emotions would have been preposterous. Better to go for a run or pick up a quick fuck at Joe’s or run into a burning building.
Diane Lewis was adamant, however, that giving name to her turmoil was healthy. That the best way to get through the pain was to expose it, force it into the light.
So here she was, new and improved Maya Bishop.
Trying her best, hoping it was enough.
Carina took Maya’s face in her hands, nuzzling their noses. She kissed Maya’s forehead and then her chin and then found her gaze, steady and warm.
“You are allowed to be sad,” she said. “You are allowed to grieve. It is healthy, Maya. And you don’t have to do it alone. You never have to do the hard things alone.”
Maya circled Carina’s wrists with her hands, no longer cold. No longer noticing the chill at all. She thought they were having a moment, a beautiful, intimate, stolen moment together, except before she realized what was happening, Carina stood, growling, pointing towards the yard.
“Hey!” She shouted, taking off running towards a small patch of flowers that she’d planted near the fence. “Don’t you dare!”
Apparently, a rabbit was doing its best to turn her little garden into a buffet. Maya watched in quiet amusement as her wife darted around the yard, chasing away a fluffy white bunny, swearing vengeance in a mix of Italian and English as her hair flowed behind her, caught in the breeze.
She was oddly graceful in her movements, a dancer, her feet barely touching the ground as she chased her foe. And Maya just wanted to watch her, to lean into Carina’s gravitation pull, to get swept up in Carina’s laughter and vibrance.
And happiness.
Because the more Maya studied her wife, the more she could see that Carina was openly, unabashedly happy.
Maya was almost shocked to hear herself laughing, to hear her own happiness burst through after all the tears of yesterday.
Mere hours before, Maya had sat in Mason’s home, every inch of it somehow dirty despite his insistence that he kept it clean. The air was stale, cigarettes and grease, but mostly, the oppressive weight of Mason’s beliefs had made it so hard to breathe.
Now she was with Carina. In the golden light of morning. Carina who paused her pursuit to grab Maya’s hand and lead her back inside. Carina who had Maya lie on their bed and take off her shirt. Carina who disappeared into the ensuite and returned with two cold compresses that she carefully placed on Maya’s breasts, cooing at them as she gently kissed each curve.
Carina danced from the room when Liam cried out and then danced back in, bouncing him against her shoulder, blowing a raspberry against his neck as he squealed and pulled her hair, his little sleeper covered in fire trucks and rainbows.
“Are you happy, Babe?” Maya asked, already knowing the answer.
Carina sat next to her hip on the bed, taking Liam’s little hand as she sighed.
“Yes,” she said. “I am. Even with the lawsuit and everything…maybe I shouldn’t be? But I am. Every day we get closer to being Liam’s moms and I just…I feel like there is hope again. Because of Liam. Because of you. I can’t wait for my little blonde baby.”
She lightly set her hand on Maya’s abdomen, covering the bruise from the trigger shot. Liam chose that moment to sneeze, the force surprising him so much that he stared at Maya with big round eyes, clearly confused about what his tiny body just did.
“Bless you, Liam,” Maya laughed, squeezing his foot, realizing that in his moment of confusion he’d looked to her for comfort. That’s how he saw her. A person he could look to for safety and love. His person. His mom.
Carina kissed his cheek, evoking a big, drooly Liam grin, and Maya tried to open herself to all that happy too. There was grief and doubt. There was discomfort and anxiety because so much was riding on the egg retrieval procedure.
She’d turned her back on her brother. And by doing so, she’d walked forward towards her wife and her son. The past was the past, a treacherous tomb filled with broken glass and heartache.
Maya chose the future. A future she’d fought for. A future she’d earned.
~*~
On some level, Carina knew that it was unhealthy to hold a grudge.
Grudges were petty. They were self-serving. They did nothing to fix the situation – they only made it last longer. Sometimes indefinitely.
But her grudge against Sean Beckett was a tough one to extinguish.
Carina paused in the doorway of Station 19’s conference room, watching as Beckett unpacked a box of medical supplies. His back was to her and he worked in silence – she could easily tiptoe away.
Except…
Except…
“Thank you,” Carina said, forcing the words out. She sounded more severe than intended, but it was hard when all she could think about when she saw his face was that night on the rooftop. Was the year he spent hurting Maya.
Beckett turned, his face impassive save for a slightly raised eyebrow.
“It’s not a problem,” he said, pointing to a pile of gauze. “Had to be done and I have the time.”
Carina stepped further into the room, clasping her hands in front of her.
“No,” she said. “For helping Maya with the trigger shot. I…we…appreciate it.”
For a moment, Carina thought he wasn’t going to respond at all. He was difficult to read, the slight downturn of his lips permanent – it made him look tired all the time, tired and angry.
“I used to help my ex-wife,” he said, his voice gruff, each word spoken in a long, low exhale. “And Bishop is part of my team so…”
Yes, the team.
Carina would never fully understand the intense loyalty between people who were often at each other’s throats. Over the years she’d been with Maya, she’d seen relationships explode, friendships disintegrate, injuries, betrayals. Maya would come home and tell her that Travis had said something cruel or that Sullivan had mansplained again and in the next breath she’d explain that they’d both saved her life the very same day.
There was no room for personal politics on an active fire scene.
Somehow, Sean Beckett had gone from Maya’s worst enemy to her brother. Carina struggled with the change.
“Regardless, thank you,” Carina said, her jaw twitching. “She was very upset and I couldn’t be here. I appreciate your kindness towards my wife.”
It was pointed. There was a silent acknowledgement that at one time not so long ago, Beckett had not chosen kindness. He’d chosen the opposite.
Beckett crossed his arms but nodded. “Listen, Dr. DeLuca, I know things between Bishop and I haven’t always been great, but we’ve both made amends. Or we’re both trying to and, it’s like I said, she’s part of my team. So, no thanks is necessary.”
“I used to hate you.”
Carina didn’t mean to blurt out her truth – it just tumbled forth, filling the room with awkward silence.
Beckett nodded again, scratching his cheek. “I can understand that.”
“I know Maya wasn’t innocent, but you tortured her. You hurt her and it is hard for me to forgive that. But I want to because I can see how hard you both are trying now.”
“You know, I think Bishop and I brought out the worst in each other.”
“And now you bring out the best.”
Maya was so deeply repentant. She remembered her sins and she apologized for each one, but Carina knew that Maya had especially agonized about her role in Beckett’s addiction and near-downfall. It was hard to reconcile the woman she loved with the woman who gave Sean Beckett a bottle. Carina had been on the receiving end of Maya’s anger, she’d been cut deeply by Maya’s words, but somehow the bottle incident was the clearest window into Maya’s illness.
She’d been so sick, so lost, and despite Carina’s anger towards Beckett, she was also angry at herself. For missing it. For not seeing the depths of Maya’s despair.
The man standing in front of her had brought Maya physical pain and humiliation. He’d made her scrub toilets on her knees and run until her ankle throbbed. He’d dropped a bucket of paint on her in front of her team, targeting her, taking pleasure in her slumped shoulders and dull gaze.
But that day, the day with the red stains in Maya’s hair…
Carina was forever haunted by her own laughter. Maya was walking around in dirty clothes, barely sleeping, humiliated, and instead of seeing illness, all Carina saw was stubborn immaturity.
Lack of self-hygiene.
Exhaustion.
Irritability.
It was all there, clear as day, and she’d missed it. She’d…
Carina took a deep breath, forcing away the thought spiral. Maya had done a very good job of hiding the extent of her pain. She’d pushed Carina as far and as hard as she could and Carina was only human. There was only so much she could take before her own self-preservation impulses kicked in.
“This IVF stuff isn’t easy,” Beckett said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “And unless you’ve gone through it, you can’t understand. So…it’s like I said…I’m glad I could help.”
“How many rounds did you do?”
Carina knew the question was invasive, but she was genuinely curious. To her knowledge, Beckett had no children.
“One,” he said, turning his back to her again. “Best twenty weeks of my life. No one expects a miscarriage that late, but it is what it is.”
“Beckett, I’m…”
“You win some, you lose some,” he said with a shrug, clearly trying to mask what could only be an endless well of grief. “For what it’s worth, I hope you and Bishop win this one.”
“Thank you,” Carina said again, loosening her grip on her anger, on the projected blame she’d placed squarely on this man’s shoulders.
He was human. So was Maya.
There were no monsters here.
Just a man trying to put one foot in front of the other.
“There’s biscotti in the Beanery if you want,” Carina said, gesturing behind her.
He paused, raising his head. “You make them?”
“Yes.”
“Bishop really married up, you know?”
There was a twinkle in his eye, something Carina had never seen from him before and when he smiled, she did too. With a raised finger in warning and a wink, Carina left, leaving Beckett to his work, feeling lighter somehow. Less burdened.
Free of a tether to the past she’d unknowingly carried with her for so long.
~*~
Liam’s red nose was a sure sign that he was sleepy. He fussed as Maya held him, obviously tired but refusing to lie in his crib. Every time she tried putting him down, he cried, his tiny hands grabbing for her.
“What’s wrong Liam?” Maya cooed, rubbing his back. “Are you having bad dreams? That’s not allowed, Mister. You show me the monster under the bed and I’ll take care of it, okay? Promise.”
After a week of being unable to hold Liam to her chest due to breast tenderness, Maya was enjoying snuggling him close again. She kissed his temple, lightly patting his little butt, trying to get him to sleep.
“I think he missed your boobs,” Carina voice came from the hallway, followed by a laugh.
Maya rolled her eyes, but smirked. “I think you missed my boobs and now you’re projecting onto our baby.”
Carina was all smiles as she walked into the room. “Sì, I missed them. Because I couldn’t do this.”
She pointed at Liam who lay his head on Maya’s shoulder, his body curled against her.
“Just this?” Maya teased, swaying as she tried to speak quietly.
Carina bit her lip, wrapping both arms around Maya’s hips. She started to sway too, a silent dance in the room’s low light. It was soothing – Carina’s scent and Liam’s soft skin. The stress of Maya’s day faded, the stress of her life faded too, and all that was left was a perfect, precious sliver that belonged only to her.
Liam yawned and propped himself up on Maya, his little finger pointing over her shoulder.
“What do you see, Liam?” Maya asked, turning to look. He seemed to be fixated on the picture of Andrew they had on one of the shelves, its frame likely shiny enough to distract him.
“That’s your Zio Andrew,” Maya said, taking a step closer to the wall so she could show him the image properly. Carina followed, pressing herself to Maya’s back, her arms around her hips once more. Carina’s chin was sharp against her shoulder but her lips were soft where they brushed Maya’s neck.
“We only met a few times,” Maya explained. “But I know he would have loved you a lot. He had Mamma’s terrible sense of humour too…”
“Hey!”
“And he used to worry Mamma so much all the time – except do you want to know a secret? I think that’s just Mamma. She loves with her whole heart and she worries with her whole heart too.”
Carina hands curled around Maya’s belt buckled, holding her close.
“Our family is a little different,” Maya whispered, taking Liam’s hand. “But different is good, Liam. And if anyone ever gives you a hard time about it, you just tell me. Deal?”
“Our family is beautiful,” Carina said, “Anyone who disagrees is wrong.”
Maya tensed, her thoughts drifting to Mason at age five, all wide blue eyes and scrapped knees, chasing butterflies in the backyard. He ran, arms outstretched, his head tipped back as he tried to catch the fluttering wings, his hands reaching, reaching towards the sky.
That little boy would live forever in her mind, just like Andrew lived forever in Carina’s. He would not age, he would not turn sullen and introverted. He would not inject poison into his veins and he would not allow poison to seep into his mind. He was five years old, chasing butterflies, forever.
She left him there, her Mason, allowing a single tear as she leaned back into Carina, as she held Liam a little tighter. And when Carina’s lips caught the salt on her cheek, Maya breathed, a silent farewell to the boy she could not save.
The boy who would never know love like she knew love. Who would never stand in the arms of his soulmate. Who would never know what it was to feel his child fall asleep against his chest.
Who would never know what she knew.