Chapter Text
Absence:
state of being away or not being present:
Antonyms: presence
period of being away:
failure to attend or appear when expected.
lack; deficiency:
inattentiveness; preoccupation; absent-mindedness:
absence of mind.
Joshua was having a hard time understanding absence. It filled his thoughts in the few quiet moments between chaos at the outpost, chaos with his partners, and just the chaos of life in general. His quiet periods were few and far between, he really did know how to keep himself busy, but it just took 10 seconds of stillness for his brain to venture back to that quiet sad space where he wondered just how much had been taken from him.
He’d lost a decade of his life to fighting a war that was pointless. He’d lost friends to that war. He’d lost his innocence violently and suddenly instead of gradually in the way he expected Betas growing up on Earth gradually lost the rose-tint from their vision as they aged.
But how exactly do you lose something you never had? How can something suddenly feel absent when it was never there? And yet, he did feel a distinct absence in his life as he waited for studies and test results to materialise and offer a solution for his distinct lack of babies.
It was almost certainly driving him a little bit mad.
“Hyungs, do you even want kids?” he blurted out over dinner, he hadn’t been listening to whatever Jeonghan and Seungcheol had been discussing and he thought maybe they were making bedroom eyes at one another, or maybe they were arguing, he wasn't paying anywhere near enough attention.
“What?” Jeonghan spluttered, Seungcheol dropped his cutlery.
“Do you want kids or… are you both just playing along because that’s what I want to hear.”
Seungcheol’s face, always blooming with empathy, looked especially stricken after that statement.
“Of course we do- Well, I do, certainly, and I’m pretty sure Hannie agrees,” Seungcheol responded.
Jeonghan nodded, “Shua, what’s brought this on? Why would you think we don’t want that too?”
They’d been working on communication skills since they'd been on the Station and had been atrociously bad at communicating. It had since become very very important for them to speak clearly and carefully with one another. It would be a lie if Joshua said he didn’t like how much they spoke, it felt nice to sit together and clumsily try to get out all their feelings. Jeonghan had always been bad at that, Seungcheol always felt that he had no one to talk to, and Joshua felt like Jeonghan never listened… A lot had changed though and they’d made good progress, frustrating progress, but progress nonetheless.
“I… Just don’t understand how either of you could want this the way I do… You’re whole … I’m the one missing something here so… How do I know you even want this? Maybe you want to enjoy your freedom and free time. Why would you want a kid to tie you down just because I’m feeling stupidly broody despite being thoroughly incapable of breeding anything?"
Jeonghan sighed and got up from the table, walked around it, and curled his arms around Joshua’s shoulders from behind in a loose hug.
“First off, you are whole. You aren’t less of a person, less of an Omega, just because you’re infertile. Second, you know that we want this too because we said so and this would be a stupid thing to lie about.”
“No it wouldn’t,” Joshua grumbled.
“Pretty sure it would be. Imagine if I told you all day every day, I want a kid so so so bad, and then, the doctors find a way and suddenly you're pregnant and I’m not ready for that… Then, nine months later, we have a baby that I wasn’t prepared for because I lied and now I’m stressed and angry about it and we fight, the baby’s upset, Seungcheol is scaling the walls and everything goes to shit.”
“He’s right,” Seungcheol agreed, “And as for your concerns about being tied down, I think you forget that there’s three of us, as big a responsibility as kids are, we're not just a duo or a partnership, we're a whole team. And I think you underestimate how cute a mini-Shua would be. If anything, me and Hannie will be fighting each other to spend every second fawning over the baby not trying to get away from it.”
"Even if it cries and smells?" Joshua sniffled.
"That's what we've got a Beta for," Jeonghan teased, "his nose is better equipped for dealing with that."
"If you think you're never changing a nappy, you've got another thing coming," Seungcheol warned, but it was all just playful jesting.
Whenever the topic of kids came up, they always did this. They kept it lighthearted, they made up stories and jokes as if a family was a real and imminent possibility for them.
“Did something happen at the Outpost today, Shua?” Jeonghan asked.
“Nothing… I just… Wish the doctors could figure this out sooner… It feels like they took all those samples and ran tests for nothing.”
Seungcheol got up to join the now-group hug, “Just be patient, Shu. Remember, even if you get pregnant, you still have to wait another nine months for the baby to arrive. Just consider this period of time patience practice. A warm-up for the nine-month wait.”
The Outpost… Joshua’s pet project and chief distraction. He spent a lot of time there, Jeonghan popped by, and Seungcheol less often because he felt less entitled to the space despite being a pretty welcome face as far as the Alpha and Omega residents were concerned. He felt like it wasn’t his place to be since he was a Beta, but considering he liberated them all and he was dating an Alpha and Omega, he fit in there more than he realised. Jeonghan liked to give Joshua his space so he didn’t interfere when Joshua said he was going to the Outpost to hang out with friends or do work. Whenever he needed Jeonghan or Seungcheol, they were there in an instant, aside from that, they were happy to let him spread his wings, and when he did… he did so with Jonghyeon, Chan, and Soonyoung.
He’d gotten to know them rather well in fact. Chan was still pretty green, despite being the only Alpha in their small group, he was easily dominated by the other Omegas who were also his seniors. It helped that he was easygoing, he seemed to float by with their vastly different personalities and land in a happy middle zone.
Jonghyeon was sharp with an even sharper tongue. Chan wasn’t quite so susceptible to it these days, but at first, the Omega could very nearly reduce him to tears with only a handful of words. Chan knew Jonghyeon’s history now, and with understanding came empathy. Jonghyeon’s sharp tongue had softened slightly too; since he was rather submissive for an Alpha, Chan made for agreeable company and Jonghyeon was less volatile.
On the other end of the spectrum was Soonyoung. Loud and vivacious, he spent all his time cheerleading Chan and praising him for doing the slightest thing. Where Jonghyeon was the bad cop, Soonyoung was the good cop. One time, when they were eating lunch, Soonyoung beamed that Chan had cleared his plate… As if he wasn’t a grown adult Alpha male in his early 20s.
Chan didn’t seem to mind, and Joshua was glad he was the relatively normal hyung compared to the other two.
Lately, his little private friend group had been getting into mischief. Jonghyeon had instigated things of course… He was the most rebellious of them and so, when they were relaxing in the park after going out for ice cream, Jonghyeon was the one who produced a baggie of pills from his pocket and shook them in front of the group with a devious smile.
“It’s called Ghost,” he revealed, “wanna try it?”
Chan frowned at the bag of pills and shook his head, “No thanks.”
“What’s it do, hyung?” Soonyoung inquired.
“Makes you feel like you’re floating, all tingly and nice.”
“Where did you get it?” Joshua asked, staring at the semi-transparent white-ish pills.
“There’s this guy. Everyone calls him Casper, he’s the one who makes it. Wanna try one?”
“I better not,” Joshua decided, “You know I’m waiting for medical trials so I can make some babies so… I don’t wanna mess around with any crazy shit.”
“Your loss,” Jonghyeon knocked back one of the white pills, Soonyoung watched, biting his lip before he caved in and asked to try it too.
It took a matter of minutes before the drug seemed to kick in, Soonyoung and Jonghyeon fell back on the grass giggling. Joshua felt a sting of jealousy at just how carefree they were.
“Hyung,” Chan nudged him, “thanks for not taking the pills.”
“Why are you thanking me?”
“Because if all three of you took Ghost and got high, then I’d be all on my own. At least you’re not totally out of your head. I know they’re both anxious but this isn’t the solution.”
“What are they anxious about? The Outpost has everything, it’s safe and secure-”
“It won’t bring back the dead though. Jonghyeon-hyung hasn’t been acting… normal lately. Your Alpha had a chat with me… He thought I should more know about Jonghyeon’s Alpha. Some of the others in the Outpost know about what happened, how his scent gland got injured... and they’re not the kindest to us."
Joshua was incensed, but also not entirely surprised… Omegas could be very cliquey and competitive. Without Betas to keep them in order, it didn’t exactly come as a shock that some of them might be acting out… flirting with each other's Alphas, starting fights… Considering they went straight from a half-complete highschool education and straight into a warzone… they never really grew out of their teenage phase, back on Earth without a war to keep them occupied, what else would they do other than start petty dramas amongst themselves? Joshua hoped it wouldn't get too out of hand, hoped it would quickly pass once they settled in.
“The other Omegas haven’t done anything to you three have they?”
“Not to Jonghyeon no… The other Omegas are a little afraid of him, but I’ve heard them talking behind his back about how he can’t scent right, how damaged he is. I keep my head down, but the others gossip about Soonyoung especially, even when he’s around. We pretend not to hear it and he tries to act cheerful like he doesn’t hear it either… But people talk…”
“People are assholes,” Joshua snorted.
“You don’t think there’s anything wrong with Soonyoung being the way he is… do you?”
“Chan, I’m dating an Alpha and a Beta, do you really think I’m going to judge Soonie for liking Omegas? Me? Of all people? Of course I don’t mind that he doesn’t want an Alpha.”
“Well, you’re a rare one,” Chan mumbled, “some of the other residents have been calling them both ‘defectives’.”
“Yeah well… frankly, we’re all defective,” Joshua growled, ripping up a handful of grass just because it was there, “not our fault, is it? If the stupid fucking military didn’t send us to the stupid fucking frontline Jonghyeon wouldn’t have gotten stabbed, Soonyoung would be free to love whoever the fuck he wants without this stupid hierarchy labelling it as wrong and I’d have my fucking baby-”
“Shua…”
He forced himself to cool down, one sad and frightened look from Chan was all it took.
“Sorry… I… I’ve been bottling it up a little. I don’t want Hannie and Cheol to have to deal with,” Joshua loosely gestured at himself, “all of this. It’s not fair I let it out on you though.”
“It’s okay hyung… I was barely deployed when Alpha Lee liberated us. I was still going through integration on my Station. Compared to you and all my other hyung's, I have very little to complain about.”
Joshua rubbed Chan’s shoulder affectionately, he was pretty damn wise for still being a kid as far as Joshua was concerned.
“You went through the military training, you got juiced like the other guys… From what I’ve heard that’s pretty unpleasant. You have plenty to complain about too, y’know.”
Chan shrugged, “I haven’t killed anyone… Haven’t watched anyone die that wasn’t just pixels in a sim… I didn’t go out into battle and lose myself. I understand you three have paid a far steeper price than I have.”
“You have nightmares though, don’t you?”
Chan nodded, “Soonyoung gets up if I wake up in the middle of the night and hugs me. I would have told him to knock it off but… I don’t think he’s doing it solely for me. He really wants someone to hold… I’m not who he wants or what he wants but… If it makes him feel a little better, I don’t mind. I wish there was more I could do… For both of them.”
Joshua looked at the two Omegas on the grass. Soonyoung had curled up around Jonghyeon like a vine and Jonghyeon could only laugh fondly. They looked normal, they looked happy and carefree.
“Do you know how long the high lasts? Has Jonghyeon done this shit in the Outpost before?”
Chan shrugged, “I dunno exactly how long, but… this explains some of his weird behaviour. He was out of it for a couple of hours once, in our dorm. He kept talking, using his Alpha's name as if he was there. I just thought it was a quirky new meditation technique but… turns out he was just high all that time.”
“Well, we can’t leave them out here rolling on the grass like idiots. I’ll grab Jonghyeon, you get Soonie.”
It was like lifting dead-weight at first, a testament to how relaxed they were, but eventually, they managed to lug the Omegas back onto their feet and aside from talking absolute shit, they were mostly capable of dragging themselves back home.
“Alright guys, I’m heading back,” Joshua said, Soonyoung lumbered over and pulled him into a tight hug, the kind that seemed to say ‘I don’t want to let you go so you better cling onto this hug for a little while even after it ends.’
“Shua-hyung… I love you. You know that right?”
“Yeah yeah, of course, go to bed Soonie.”
“I just needed to make sure you knew that… It’s important. People who-... who you love… you need to tell them that you love them. Make sure they hear it and they know.”
While he appreciated it, Joshua had a pretty solid feeling that Soonyoung’s declaration of love wasn’t really meant for him, the person he really wanted to say it to wasn’t within a reasonable distance… Or maybe it was just the drunken ramblings of a guy who couldn’t handle Ghost.
“I’ll keep an eye on him,” Chan assured.
Jonghyeon popped another pill and walked toward the bathroom to shower the grass out of his hair.
A week later, Jonghyeon and Soonyoung were taking Ghost again when Soonyoung pulled Joshua aside, eyes gleaming brighter than usual.
“Hyung, I think I know someone who can help you. He understands us, he wants to help us. He'll be able to fix you.”
“Soonyoung, don’t lie to me about shit like this,” Joshua couldn’t help it if it came out sounding harsh.
“I’m telling the truth,” Soonyoung held up both hands, none of his fingers were crossed to void his promise.
Something stirred uneasily in the pit of Joshua's stomach, but he couldn’t help but ask.
“When can you take me to see him?”