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MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY!
FIREFIGHTER DOWN!
Rescue units to the east of the building, now, now, now.
buck. BUCK, “BUCK- Buck, do you copy?”
Oh, okay, that hurts. Moving hurts. Okay, let's not move. Let's just stay here, let's just take a breather.
“Firefighter Buckley, do you copy?” a familiar voice cracks through the radio that lay next to his leg.
Buck tries to move, to reach for the radio but his movement is restricted by something impaling his torso. He removes his gloves on his left hand with his teeth as his left arm is stuck under what seems like a cabinet. His now ungloved hand moves down to where the restriction is and he feels wetness before his fingers come in contact with something cold. It's two rebars, around two inches wide each, he thinks and they are pinning him down, through a large block of solid concrete through Buck’s side. His left leg is completely buried under the stove, which is buried under what he thinks is half of the kitchen.
His right leg is bent, it seemed to have escaped whatever the rest of himself couldn’t. He most definitely had a couple of broken ribs and could feel blood running down the side of his face. There was definitely some head trauma.
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath as the radio continues to crack. Voices overlapping and he knows he should move, try and answer, and radio for help, but he is tired and everything is hurting and he is trying to think of how in the hell he ended up buried under the kitchen of the nice lady.
Oh, no, he thinks, the lady’s going to be devastated, she loved cooking, she told him that.
It was a quiet shift. Not necessarily quiet but more, the ceiling fan lazily moving at night or quiet in the way you can hear your mum cooking in the kitchen as your dad falls asleep to the highlights on the TV and you can hear your sister playing Roblox with her friends. The mundane kind of quiet.
They have had calls, routinely, but nothing major. Bobby had made his famous baked mac’n’cheese for dinner. Now Buck was helping clean up the table and packing the leftovers as Eddie and Hannah did the dishes. Chimney was saying goodnight to Jee-Yun and Hen was on her phone.
They only had two hours of the shift left before Buck could finally go home and watch the Netflix documentary The Keeper. Buck’s been wanting to watch it for years and now he’s not above admitting that the synopsis scared him a little so he mentioned it in front of Eddie last week, and, earlier today, Eddie invited Buck over to watch it together as Christopher is having a day-spent-turned-into-a-sleepover at Abuela's.
Now you can’t blame Buck for wanting the day to end already.
He’s just about to sit down on the couch when the alarm sounds through the station and everyone lets out a small groan before getting up and ready to answer the call.
It was a small fire set by cookies left in the oven too long, however, by the time they got there it had taken over the whole of the west side of the building and was licking up what was once a pretty garden and making its way to the next building. 113 doing their best trying to tame it.
“Okay, Buck, Eddie go to the next house, get them out, looks like the fire’s moving west. Chim, Hen, check with the people in the main building. Ravi-”
Buck and Eddie make their way into the next house as Bobby communicates with the rest of 118 and 113.
One moment Buck is talking to the lovely woman who called 9-1-1, her telling him about the old infrastructure of the neighborhood and why it is one of the reasons why she hasn't moved in with her son and his boyfriend even though they have offered many times. But they have these electric stoves and they just don’t feel right. I love my kitchen, my husband built this house and the kitchen was the first thing he made for me.
It is a nice kitchen. Buck thinks. It feels loved.
Eddie takes her out of the house, as Buck stays behind to check for any leaks, just making sure that if the fire does end up making contact with the east of the house, it won’t blow up. He is about to exit the room when there's an explosion of light on his left followed by a loud bang and before he can move, the ground beneath him moves and he is falling through the floor, the kitchen caving in on him.
Buck! BUCK! It’s Eddie. Yelling for him.
FIREFIGHTER DOWN!
Rescue units to the east of the building, now, now, now.
buck. BUCK, “BUCK- Buck, do you copy?”
“Firefighter Buckley, report your status?” Bobby’s voice echoes through the radio again and Buck takes a low, deep breath and pushes himself just a smidge to get to the radio.
Bruck’s fingers close around the radio and he pulls it towards his face, letting out a loud groan as he sets back in his stuck position. “Fi-firefighter Buckley-”
Before he can even complete this sentence voices are overlapping on his radio, calling out for him. Eddie’s being the loudest followed by Bobby’s and Hen’s. Both of the latter asked him to report his position and condition.
Buck moves and tries again. “I-I am in the east, under the kitchen. My-my leg is pinned under the stove and the ceiling,” he takes a jagged breath, “my-my left arm is stuck under a cabinet, I-I can’t move it. I can’t move much, altogether, really.” a humorless chuckle leaves him.
“Buck, are you bleeding?” Hen’s voice cracks through his radio.
“Yeah-there is blood running down my temple-I can’t identify but I think there is head trauma, or else I just have the worst headache-” his breath hitches again, and he has to stop, this was taking way too much energy, he thinks. “My-my side-right side is impaled wit-by two rebars, I-I don't have anything to put pressure on it with-at least nothing I can see. Broken ribs.”
There is silence over the radio.
There is silence creeping all over the basement. This is the first time since the ground crumbled that he noticed just how quiet it is down here. He can hear his own heart beating and his haggard breaths. He never likes the quiet.
He grew up with too much and too little of it. His parents were quiet people, never really entertaining him. They didn’t have family dinners like the Grant-Nash house, or Bufferiday like the new Buckely-Han House, or even just simple dinner cooking in the kitchen as Christopher does his homework on the dining table and then watching the new episode of telenovela after dinner at the Diaz house.
No, in the Buckley household; mornings were quiet, you had a routine, you didn't bother the parents, dinner together but it was considered bad manners to speak at the table. They had no family vacations, or family at all for weddings, birthdays, or Christmases. The birthdays for the family of four they did have were just him and Maddie. Just like Thanksgiving, Christmases, and New Years. The only time there was no quiet, there were blaring words and blame. And every time they would begin with ‘Evan’. The time he fell off the bicycle because it was his first time riding without the training wheel, or the time he dislocated his shoulder trying to skateboard down the hill, or the time he broke his nose because he was trying Maddie’s heels and went rolling down the stairs, although, these times had ice-cream waiting at the end of the night, or pizza or when he got really lucky and ended up with a broken arm and got all, ice-cream, pizza, dinner in bed and a week off school.
However, once Maddie left, the ice-creams and pizzas stopped, replaced with accusations that were before directed towards Maddie or each other were now directed solely at him. Those were the only times the Buckleys were loud and even then, even then their concerns, their anger, their care, love-if he is to believe Maddie-it was silent. It was deprived of any emotions that were actually for him but for the ghost of who they lost. Ghost of the ‘what if Buckely family’.
His eyes are getting heavy.
He got it at the end of the night though. After all those years he was lost, bumping into one corner then another, he finally got it. The family dinners with talking over each other, the big Christmases, thanksgivings with having something to be thankful for. Surprise birthday parties, graduation parties, people waiting in the waiting room for the hospital visits. Having a home to want to go back to.
Home with hight marks on the door frame and photo frames-many more including him than not-on the sill over the fireplace. With a day calendar on the fridge that has babysitting duties, grocery trip dates, and school project submissions marked on it.
A home with a 13-year-old who will call you out as he sees, who loves to play video games, and no matter how much he claims he has grown up he still secretly loves to spend time with Buck. Calls Buck whenever he learns something cool at school. A home that had handmade throw blankets and recipe books with notes in the margin in Spanish because they were once borrowed by Abuela but forgotten to return. A home that smells of blueberry muffins on rough days because that is the only thing Eddie knows how to make without a recipe and because they are both Buck and Christopher’s favourite.
A home with a certain Latino who came into his life when he least expected it. Who became his best friend before he could even manage to finish hating the guy like he was supposed to when they first met. Who gave him his heart, his soul, his whole life; his son to Buck when people never even trusted him with their china.
Who, Buck noticed, makes his life full. Makes his life make sense. Who made him a home. And now he might never get to go home after tonight. Might never get to watch another documentary with him. Might never get to even say thank you. Because it is so quiet here. And quiet is never good.
“Buck, stay very still, I am coming to you okay? Just save your breath” Eddie’s voice breaks through the quiet.
He cannot not say thank you. He just can’t.
It is getting harder and harder to keep breathing, his head starting to swirl a bit now.
He reaches for his radio again.
“Ed-Eddie?”
“Buck?”
“Eddie, hi,” he sounds drunk. His voice is soft. He wants Eddie’s hug. Eddie gives the best hugs.
“Buck, I need you to stop wasting your energy, okay, we are working to get to you, okay buddy?” Chimney speaks through the radio.
It is quite rude of Eddie to be ignoring Buck right now, like, hello, Edmoundo, I could like totally die right now and you are ignoring me?
“Nobody is ignoring you, Buckaroo, Eddie is working to get the debris cleared up with Chim and Percy” Bobby’s voice is laced with tension but there is fondness lingering around the edges.
“I-I, Eddie, please,” he tried again. I mean can you blame him, you knew he was stubborn and he was losing blood, fast, and if he were to die tonight, he might just go out because he was being stubborn, “ just-just-just let me speak okay? Just let me say this okay?”
“No, buck, stop, shut-no shut up, save your breath, I am coming to get you okay, okay, so just, just-just hang on okay, I am getting there, I promise.” Eddie’s voice is rushed, and it is a little panic and he can hear what seems like rain in the background- Eddie never panics, okay yes, he does, but never on the job.
“Eddie, I-I love you.”
“I love you too, buck.” it escapes Eddie in such a mundane way. Like it's as easy as pouring the cereal in the morning or rolling the water line. It's so simple, like putting on socks before shoes or checking for any lights turned on before leaving the house. So natural and fighting like inhaling and exhaling, you do it, without thinking, without worrying, because it is so natural, so meant to be. As if it is just that easy and simple and mundane and natural to love Buck.
So, Buck tires again.
He tries again, “I-I know, Eddie, but, I-um I am in love with you.”
There is it again, the quiet.
“I - I think I have been, for a long time. And I tried, I did, I tried to move past it. Just make me move past it because you-you are Eddie, you are my best friend. My person and-and you are amazing and you are beautiful, so so beautiful that it is insane that I didn't fall in love with you before - even though I think I have been in love with you since that day in the ambulance when we pulled a live grenade out of the man’s leg, and that is crazy and all. But, Eddie, I love you” he lets out a chuckle, that comes out more like a cough. And then he is coughing.
“But you know me and my stubborn heart and all. And my stupid heart has made the decision. It loves you in the big loud; making ridiculous gestures. In a liking your terrible cooking even though it upsets my stomach way. In the letting you have the last slice of the pizza way. In-in the when I am near you I can't breathe kinda way-”
“Shut up, Buck, you shut up right now.” Eddie’s voice is shaking.
“-because I get so overwhelmed by this love in me that I have to take a moment. Like when you make sure that wherever we are going have vegan options on the menu so I don't have to worry about it even though you and Christopher both love pork chop barbecue, or when you save me a seat at every table, or when I am down another one of my word-vomit and no-one’s really listening, but you remember things, you ask questions about it, you indulge my spirals, and so-so much more, and I can’t breathe, and I have to take a step back and remind me of the simple act of breathing, now how embarrassing is that, uh?
"To be reminded to breathe because you looked at your best friend.” He is coughing again, and it is very rude that everybody keeps intrupting him. “And- and I hate leaning on people but I don't mind leaning on you because I know you will never make me feel stupid about anything, you might-definitely will tease me about it later but, fuck,” a broken chuckle leaves his body. “Eddie, I even love that, because-because when you tease me you get this glint in your eyes, and, man, I love your eyes,
“Eddie. I love all of you. And I know you don't see it-I really don't get how you cannot see it because you are the most amazing person I have ever met. You are smart, brave and so beautiful,” his mouth tastes like metal. He doesn’t like it. The last time his mouth tasted like metal, he nearly lost Eddie. He is so happy Eddie got out, he is safe and Buck is so in love with him.
“I love you so much Eddie,” his face is wet, tears are streaming down his face, his eyes are closing and he can't feel his left arm or his leg,
“Evan, please,” it's a whisper, and it's so quiet.
“and I think you-you should know this, even though this is not how I wanted to tell you and I don't think I am making any sense and just fucking this whole thing up because there is blood in my mouth and it is harder to breathe and my head’s dizzy, but- but I love you Eddie, I am in love with you and I am-I am so, so glad that you didn’t ask for the transfer after the dick I was to you. Thank you for having my back, Eddie. I-I just couldn’t go without you-you knowing that.”
His head rolls back, softly hitting the debris behind him. He cannot open his eyes, his side is very numb and he is getting really cold. He has to make sure Eddie hears him, even though he can't move his fingers anymore either.
“I -I love you, Eddie, T-thank you, for-for saving me.”
There it is again, the quiet.
However, this is nice. It is so quiet. It is peaceful, kind of and Buck feels weightless. For the first time in a long, long time he feels free.
He can get used to this quiet. This quiet exists within the realm of Eddie knowing that Buck loves him. This cocktail of taste of metal in his mouth and quiet is to finally make up for the cocktail when Eddie got shot and Buck did nothing but stand there like an idiot. This time though, this time he didn’t just stand there, Eddie is safe. He is safe.
“Buck?”
“Buck!?”
“Firefighter Buckley, do you copy?”
“BUCK”
There is something around his fingers.
Buck opens his eyes and he is immediately hit with what feels like the world’s worst hangover. His body aches everywhere, and it feels heavy. He tried opening his eyes again. It is relatively dark. He moves his head a bit, his fingers twitching. His left arm is restricted and so is his leg, and he is under the kitchen. He tries moving but he feels the grip around his fingers tighten.
“Hey, hey”
He looks to his right and oh.
Oh, there you are.
Oh, you are so, so beautiful.
Eddie’s eyes finally meet Buck’s. And oh, they are beautiful. There are bags under his eyes and a five o’clock shadow covering his jaw. His hair is grown out and it is messy. And oh he is beautiful.
“Hey, can you hear me?” Eddie’s voice is so soft, like if he spoke even a little bit louder or moved wrong and Buck would disappear from within his grip.
Hi. He tries. His mouth is so dry as if he has swallowed sand.
“Wait, wait, let me get you water,” Eddie moves but his left hand remains in Buck’s right. He brings the cup to Buck and Buck takes small sips.
“Hi,” his voice is so sore, but it manages to pull the smallest of smiles across Eddie’s lips.
“Hey,” they are both quiet. Just looking. Buck can spend his whole life just looking at Eddie.
He can’t believe he was done. How could he ever be done when he can wake up every day and get to look at Eddie?
“I-I should get the doc-” Eddie clears his throat, his voice barely a whisper.
“No, stay, for-for a second just-”
“Okay, okay.” Eddie sits back down, both his hands covering Buck’s right hand. His eyes never leaving Buck’s face. Studying him.
“I -I like this-your hands are nice,” Buck’s eyes lingering over their hands. “What’s the word?”
“Every-everyone-um Maddie left three hours ago, chimney had a twenty-four-hour shift so she had to go, but-but she will be back in the morning before her shift. Bobby left when the visiting hours were over. Hen was here before that. They will all be here, first thing in the morning.” Eddie looks around, awkwardly, “I-I should probably call Maddie and others, and let them know you are finally awake.”
“Finally, how long was I out?” Buck asks, finally, his brows frowning.
Eddie takes in a deep breath and he starts fidgeting with Buck’s finger before his right hand makes its way through his hair. By the slight tightening around Buck’s fingers, Buck can tell Eddie is fighting to not run both his hands through his hair, it nearly pulls a smile across Buck’s face. “You were out for three weeks, Buck.” Eddie lets out a breath.
“Eddie,” his voice dies in his throat. Three weeks. For three weeks he was out.
“We-we found you under the debris and you were unresponsive. Your heart stopped. For 10 minutes and 37 seconds.” Eddie inhales and holds their hand in a prayer stance, his head hanging low, “You coded twice and they had to incubate you and-and” his voice betrays him and he is shaking.
“Eddie, hey, hey, Eds, look at me. Look at me, I am right here, I am oka-”
“But you weren’t!” and suddenly his hand is cold. And Eddie is out of his seat. He is pacing not looking at Buck. “You weren’t okay! You-you went and you made loud declarations of your love for me and then you went and you died on me! Again! What did you think was going to happen Buck? You think you can just do that? Just say shit like that and die on me! You died on me and you had to say all that! I-I kept telling you to shut up but you just had to go and say all that!”
“I am sorry, Eddie, I-I don't expect you to return anythi-”
“Shut up!”
Buck listens this time.
“One second y-you were standing there talking about kitchens and I turned around for not even a whole minute and you were gone! Again! And then you had the audacity to be buried under all that and say all that!”
Eddie stops pacing. And when he finally looks at Buck, Buck’s heart breaks into a million pieces because Eddie is crying. There are tears flowing down his face and the next thing he knows is his hand is back in Eddie’s and Eddie is cradling it, close to his face, so close that Buck can feel Eddie’s tears on his knuckles. Before he can do anything a pathetic sob escapes from between his lips, he doesn't even realize he is crying too.
“I am sorry,” Eddie starts before he breaks down again, he looks like a scared little child, begging God to please listen to him. “‘M so sorry. I-I can’t keep doing this, Buck-I can’t keep nearly losing you. I barely survived the last time and you were- you were down for 10 minutes and 37 seconds and I-I can’t keep losing you. Please, Buck, please. You cannot keep doing this to me,” his eyes finally meet Buck’s. “You can't make me fall in love with you can then go get struck by the fucking lightning. And you can't go and get buried under a kitchen and say all that shit the night I am about to finally tell you the truth,”
Buck has stopped breathing. He is definitely dead and in some cruel version of heaven where Eddie just said that he is in love with Buck.
“You-you are in love with me?”
Eddie lets out a laugh, and it is broken and it is beautiful.
“I have been in love with you since before I got shot, Buck. That night when you lied to me about helping Maddie move but instead introduced Carla to us, I so stupidly fell in love with you, and I didn’t even realize it. Because- because all that I knew about love was whatever it was that I felt for Shannon, and what I felt for shannon that-that cannot be replicated because- I mean she was my first best friend, the mother of my child, my wife, the love for her was- it was black and white, I either loved her or I hated her for all that went down between us.
“But then, then, there was you. You were so loud, and bright and warm an-and I-I have never seen anything like this before, never met anybody like that before, never craved somebody’s laugh, somebody’s touch, somebody’s presence like this before. Shannon was black and white and she was blazing red so alive and she was blaring guns and all that but you, you Buck, you were sunsets and warm tea, you are abuela's cooking and homemade throw blankets, you are everything good and safe, you are everything golden, and I-I fell in love with it so fast and so unexpectedly that I couldn't even understand what was happening because the only good thing in my life for the longest time was Christopher and then there was you.
“Here are you. I didn't know what to do with you, so I kept you, as a friend, as whatever you'll have me as; because I thought that is all I could get, and if that was all I was allowed then that was enough, hell, that was more than enough because there was no way in hell I was letting go of this. Of you. And, you were dating Taylor then you were with Natalie. And that was that. That was you dating, finding people, you were straight.
“But then you told me you were out with Tommy and then you broke up with Tommy and I just - I thought I was - I thought I was okay, with not -with having you from afar. With just absorbing your warmth and goodness from a distance but I was wrong-I was so wrong because I can't Buck, I can't imagine my life without you, you are so deeply engraved in everything and so deeply rooted in my history that there is no way you are not my future. I refused to believe it and so I had to take a chance, I had to. Even if you didn't want me. Because I can't phantom losing you to someone else.
“ I can’t- I couldn't- but” Eddie lets out another laugh and Buck has long stopped breathing and has gone into a cardiac arrest or something or whatever the medical term is for your heart stopping but simultaneously bursting because it's beating too fast.
Eddie looks at Buck, really looks at him, there's a bittersweet smile on his face. Like it hurts to remember.
And it then dawns on Buck, what he made Eddie go through because if the roles were reversed and Eddie his love for Buck while he was buried in somebody's basement, bleeding out; Buck would lose his fucking mind. He would be so angry and lost and hurt.
He opens his mouth, I'm so sorry. But all that comes out is a broken sob.
Eddie is so quick to be at his side, holding Buck so close but so careful and Buck falls into him. His face buried in the crook of Eddie's neck. He can live in this place forever if you ask him. If there's any place safer than the Diaz house it's here, in the arms of Eddie Diaz.
He sobs, pathetically, holding onto Eddie like a little child and Eddie holds him back with equal desperation is not more.
“I am so sorry, Eddie, I am so, so, so, sorry, I- I didn't know if I would ever see you again, and I had to let you know. I- you had to know but I am so sorry you got to know like that I am so sor-”
“Hey, hey, hey, mi amor, hey, no,” Eddie moves back, his hands (Buck loves his hands, he loves all of Eddie) come up to cup his face. His eyes searching for Buck's, making sure Buck is looking at him, “It was shitty and horrible and all but hey, it- you're here. You're here and you're okay and you, you love me?”
The last part makes out a little weaker like Eddie just let himself really believe those words. Even though he spent the last three weeks doing nothing but replaying those words in his head like a stuck cassette tape. It just hit him that Buck loves him.
Buck's right-hand closes around Eddie's wrist, a smile making its way across his face, “I love you, Edmundo Pedro Diaz. I loved you yesterday-even though I was unconscious- and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and '' a delicate chuckle left Eddie as he sniffs, “ and I love you today. And I'll still be shamelessly in love with you tomorrow and stupidly in love with you the day after that and the day after that and a year from now and a decade and we'll be all old and amazing and in a nursing home and I will still be so deeply, madly, irrevocably in love with you and we'd go the Notebook style. You're stuck with me, Diaz.”
“You're a dork, you know” Eddie laughs, his canine visible. His cheeks were all flushed and he looks tired but fuck, he is beautiful.
And he's Buck's.
And Buck's nothing if not smug, “you love me for it” he says, leaning in.
Eddie rests his forehead against Buck's, a relieved sigh leaving his body, “yeah, yeah I do. God, I love you so much, don't you dare die on me again, or else you're sleeping on the couch forever!” He exclaims, nudging Buck a little. Nothing to even budge him a little. But because Buck is Buck he makes a show out of it that draws a giggle out of Eddie before he can stop it.
Buck's face is of ecstasy, “was that-was that a giggle? Did I make the big bad firefighter giggle?”
“Shut up, or else I'm gonna dump you” but there's the biggest smile on his face.
“Dump me? We haven't even gotten together and you're already dumping me?” Buck fakes a gasp. Before it hits him, “Wait, are we together?”
Eddie looks at Buck like Buck's hung the stars and moon personally and he leans in. His lips close to Buck's and Buck's breath hitches. “Well, where I am from, you have to at least kiss to be together,” Buck is not serving this. “Do you wanna be together?”
Buck nods. Barest of movement.
“Can I kiss you, Buck?”
They are both breathing heavily. And Buck feels like he will pass out if Eddie doesn't move to kiss him already.
“Yes, please, god-”
He doesn't get to finish the sentence before Eddie's lips are on his. He stops breathing for a second. Before he comes back into his body. And he moves and they are kissing.
It's everything and nothing like he imagined. There are no fireworks or flames. There's only the feeling of utter completeness. There's the feeling of belonging, of finally finding his purpose. He was made to be kissed by Eddie. He was made to worship Eddie's mouth because there is no way this is anything but divine. This is what he was made for. This is where he belongs.
Before Buck can part his lips to let Eddie in, Eddie pulls back and Buck chases after him with an embarrassing whine.
“Wait, wait, you're on pain meds”
“Eddie,” Buck chuckles, “I have been on pain meds enough times to know about my awakeness and I have never been more awake in my whole life. I can't believe I went years without doing that.”
“Okay, but still, we are getting you checked by a doctor first and I need to call Maddie because she will kill me if she got to know I made out with her brother after he woke up in the hospital before I told her he's awake.”
Buck wants to whine but he is getting tired again, adrenaline running out. And all the crying and waking up catching up on him, “Okay, but you are staying here,” he smiles lazily as his head hits the pillow, “ right?”
“Of course, mi amor, imma just call for the doctor and while they'll check on you I'll call Maddie and then I'm all yours.”
“I like that, mi amor,” he says with a satisfying hum as he settles deeper into the bed. He hears Eddie's low, quiet laugh and he knows he's okay. He'll be okay.
He is home.