Archive of Our Own

In Sollux's defense, it wasn't his fault that Eridan was a loveless loser. 

They only shared one server, and it was one Sollux rarely ever dirtied himself to visit. 'MY PERSONAL HELL' is what Karkat named it, but Sollux took to mentally referring to it as 'Karkat's weird friend group' as it contained a bunch of weirdos Sollux had mostly ever heard of in passing. The only thing he could take comfort in was that Aradia had also been roped in, and so it was with great relief that both of them mostly ignored the endless @everyones and @booleankittycore.

From what little he and Aradia conversed about it, you had both discovered some of the odder members included an honest to god juggalo, an openly manipulative suibaiter, and a largely unpopular political figure’s daughter, for some reason. As bizzare as it seemed to the two of you, Sollux was not one to judge who Karkat decided to keep amongst his inner circle. There were a great many servers Sollux had had to join for the latest info on Intel's slow but inevitable downfall, or for forum access to secured groups that built viruses for fun. The people he's had to brush electronic shoulders with would make even a friend-making-slut like Karkat shudder with revulsion. 

That's all to say that, though Sollux could have a high tolerance for creeps and treasonous DMs, there are few things the internet could throw his way that would genuinely make him want to turn his computer off and take a walk. 

One of those things was @nauticalhistorics.

Sollux couldn't tell what was happening at first, like a frog slowly being boiled. Everyone in Karkat's dumb server had stupid shit to say, and it made little difference to Sollux if one random name among many popped up a bit more than the others. Just another of Karkat's weird friends. Then came the weird emojis, and the over familiar replies, and the friend requests. Sollux was no stranger to blocking as a means of conflict resolution, but then, because Sollux is an asshole and chronically bored, he decided to make the most of the situation. 

In the course of an impressive six message exchange in his DMs, Sollux had discovered some important key points about @nauticalhistorics: one, he thought Sollux was a girl; two, he thought Sollux was a very intelligent young lady worthy of his admirations; three, @nauticalhistorics' real name was Eridan Ampora, firstborn son to Lawrence Ampora, a decrepitly aged yet important shareholder for one of the largest banks in the continent. No pictures of him, aside from a university photo of him and about 40 other rich looking guys, all looking proud around an analytical chemistry award, good luck figuring out which sorry ass he was in the sea of nerds. Regardless, the point was clear. Eridan was a booksmart, and probably had a lineage chart going back at least forty generations. A billionaire. And in his DMs begging for attention.

If, in this Eridan Ampora's life full of grandeur and the access to the best education one could ever hope to recieve, one were to give him an important lesson that money could not buy, it would be to not give strangers on the internet your legal name. Otherwise, boogeymen like Sollux will take full advantage of this precious information in order to fuck with you to their own advantage.

Aradia, amoral fairy that she was, was more than happy to assist in giving Sollux notes on how to act cutesy. "Aegyo" she kept saying, and Sollux nodded while saying he had no idea what the fuck that meant, and to stop repeating it like he did.

Eventually, @booleankittycore was transformed into an unnamed young lady, a disgustingly air-headed software engineering girl who was somehow pathetically dumb enough to find Eridan's disturbing attempts at flirting endearing. At least, that's who Sollux was in their DMs. Even a computer rat like him had enough pride to not bother putting up the front when among others. Hilariously, Eridan took that to mean he —or rather, "she"— was only doing that out of shyness. 

Kitten, it makes my heart throb to see you hide your earnest and tender nature amongst those we call our friends. Though, when I recall that you feel free enough to shed the constraints of your persona with me, I cannot help but feel possessive, and desire to protect you from those who do not understand you as I do. (10:41pm)

God, he could throw up.

But he didn't, and in fact responded:

ehehehe, you know me so well!! (＾*/ω＼＾) i just get so scared in front of others {{ (＾>_<＾) }} if only i had discord nitro i might feel a little bit more confident... (＾• ω •＾) (10:58pm)

Needless to say, Sollux has never had to hand his hard-earned money over to Discord since that particular exchange. 

The internal humiliation was a tough pill to swallow at first, and at times Sollux still felt like Sisyphus, constantly pushing back against his own decency. The benefits to this arrangement did wonders to smooth over his wounded pride. Nitro was only the beginning to the seemingly endless gifts that came his way. 

Of course, Sollux wasn't stupid enough to give Eridan his actual address —he already had a PO box set aside from an earlier, decidedly more hateful encounter he had with another internet stranger— nor was he stupid enough to open any packages from Eridan without a thorough inspection from Aradia. So far, all gifts received had been purely innocent in nature, a couple i11 CPUs there, an obscenely expensive gaming chair there. Just dumb crap Sollux didn't really need but sure as hell improved the quality of his insular life. 

Eventually, the dumb kitten dearest roleplay was second nature, and Sollux had even managed to appease the other's constant begging for voice calls by using a voice modulator. 

That had been a particularly daring stint of his, and ended up lasting a whopping 2 minutes and thirty-three seconds, which was exactly long enough for Sollux to prove without a doubt that he was a timid young lady, and for Eridan to prove he talks as pompous and arrogant as he sounds over text. The Sollux that went into that call was a far more confident Sollux than the one who came out. Afterwards, he’d written out the pros and cons of continuing the deception, with the cons being a derogatory doodle of what he thought Eridan would like(30-something neckbeard with a ratty ponytail, a shirt that read 'GUCCI' and Tesla truck in the background) and pros being a lovingly rendered sketch of his computer tower. 

In the end, material goods outweighed his discomfort. So sue him.

And so Sollux continued to play his game with Eridan.

At the three month mark, Karkat was already on to him. Apparently Eridan had broached the subject with him, and was impressively so up his own ass with his delusions that KK's warnings and cautions would have had more effect on a brick wall. When trying to convince Eridan that his beloved kitten was actually a man who barely showered proved to be impossible, Karkat took to berating Sollux himself. The one flaw in this second tactic being Karkat was always berating Sollux, and this was merely a continuation of an already established behavior. No ultimatums or demands had any effect on himself, and so in the end KK could only helplessly plead for Sollux to not do "anything especially stupid. Which, considering the situation, would be a fucking feat of proportions hence unknown" (or something, Sollux couldn't really hear Karkat over how comfortable his chair was).

At the five month mark, Eridan was begging for pictures. Something like:

Kitten, you have eluded my gaze for so long. Though my love for you has never wavered(NEVER), I seek something to deepen our bond. I have sent you a particularly sentimental gift just now. When it reaches you, it would mean the world and more to see you wearing it. (12:11pm)

Upon first reading, Sollux was petrified he had just been sent a pair of panties. To his immediate relief, it turned out to be a rather modest sundress. It hung just above the knees, and was made from a light fabric, in both its hue and weight. Truly a waste on someone like Sollux.

Now, up to that point, he had been rather transparent about everything that was happening with Aradia. She found the whole charade rather amusing, and Sollux found the second hand embarrassment was easier to manage when he had his childhood friend, ex-girlfriend, now-roommate to confide in. However, Sollux would never tell her about a picture that may or may not have been taken that day, with an abysmal photo quality that would have rivaled most .jpeg pictures on 4chan, and had his head conveniently cropped out. It wasn't his fault, okay? It's just that Nvidia was coming with their new X0 Series GPUs and he was so sure he could convince Eridan to get him two X090s from it. Not to say that the picture ever happened, but if it did, it was only because Sollux was very practically and reasonably trying to make sure he set himself up for the future. And even if it did happen, it was probably a one time thing and would never happen again.

Anyway, Eridan's next "gift" was a heavy, professional grade camera. 

At the six month mark, Eridan was desperately asking Sollux to meet up with him. Sollux had managed to put this off so far. They were now at the ten month mark. Almost a year. Sollux considered just under a year was probably a good time to cut things off. Any longer and things would risk getting messy, and more importantly, too much trouble for Sollux. Eridan was getting too attached as well, annoyingly bringing up the topic of an IRL meet up just about every time he messaged him. If he was asking six months ago, he was now groveling on his knees with tears in his eyes now.

Sollux watched as an eleventh message pinged, Eridan having nearly worked himself into hysterics at his beloved kitten's silence.

Kitten, I cannot bear your silence any longer. Perhaps I have been too overbearing, I hear that that is a prominent trait of mine, however can you blame me when all I long for are your tender words? And for us to finally come together? You would not need to worry for a thing. I will come to you, and orchestrate a fine evening for the both of us to enjoy. We would be beside ourselves with joy and union. I would appreciate a message when possible on this matter. (6:11pm)

Kitten, please respond. (7:01pm)

Pl e (7:03pm)

*Please. (7:03pm)

Deciding to keep him on read a bit longer before bothering to come up with a reply, Sollux switched to his conversation with Karkat. Most often, the two of them argued about stupid shit, like Python or Warhammer. In their most recent and ongoing argument, it is about something far less exciting, and mostly consisted of Sollux reality checking Karkat.

NO. Get it through your DENSE, MOUNTAIN DEW FILLED BRAIN. You CANNOT tell Eridan the truth. It would LITERALLY BREAK HIM. I prefer not to know what goes on in those gross chats of yours, but whatever you've said has him HEAD over HEELS. Even right now he's pestering me, asking me to ask YOU to respond to him. IT'S GROSS BUT I'D RATHER YOU JUST GHOST HIM ALREADY SO HE CAN PICK UP THE PIECES OF HIS SHATTERED HEART WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT HE WASN'T TOTALLY AND UTTERLY DUPED BY MAYBE THE FOURTH STINKIEST GUY ON THE PLANET. (7:02pm)

actually i'm the second most stinkiest guy. (7:05pm)

and anyway, you can't keep this from him forever, KK. (7:05pm)

he'a gonna find out eventually, and i'd prefer it to be outright. (7:05pm)

also his messages are annoying and i think it'd put a quick end to them. (7:05pm)

If you GENUINELY think that'd be the last you hear from him, you are SORELY MISTAKEN. This guy can hold a grudge like NONE OTHER. (7:06pm)

as if i've never had to handle a guy on the internet who wants me dead. (7:07pm)

—

Sollux doesn't mean to drag it out, but another month passes anyhow. Aradia thinks he enjoys the attention and free shit, and Sollux can at least agree to half of that. 

The main issue is that he doesn't know exactly how to go about breaking the guy's heart. Following Karkat's advice would definitely be the easier choice, just leaving him on read and waiting for his Nitro to run out. But, perhaps he had a bit more honor than to do that. How on Earth Sollux started to feel bad about a guy who starts 99% of his messages with a "Hello kitten" is beyond him, but it is what it is. And anyways, Sollux felt better about having a clean and definitive end to things.

It takes him about five minutes to draft a message, then another ten to stare at it with his finger hovering over the enter key. He ends up rewriting it, cutting out some of the extraneous bullshit, keeping it quick and to the point. He rereads it. Now he sounds like an absolute asshole. He rewrites it. Then it sounds like he's condescending. He rewrites it. Then a couple more times. Eventually, to his utter befuddlement, the message he ends up sending is as follows:

we should meet up. (4:06am)

—

Sollux leaves his shared apartment that day wondering how many injuries he'll be returning with. At 4am on a Sunday night, talking it out with Eridan face to face seemed like the perfect resolution. No room for doubt, straightforward, the best wake-up call he could give to Eridan. Now, after witnessing Eridan's cringey and jubilant series of messages the proceeding morning, and himself face-to-face with the prospect of getting beaten up by some mouth-breathing neckbeard, he feels more than ever the urge to just ghost him. Maybe Karkat was right, and the best thing for Sollux to do was the easiest. Except Karkat is rarely ever right, and as much as Sollux hates pain, he hates going back on his word even more. Moreso when it pertains to arguments he's had with Karkat.

It was at the edge of fall, and the leaves on the trees were mostly green with a few spots of yellow here and there. Sollux had tried to suggest meeting up at a Starbucks on the other side of town(public, cameras, plus Sollux could potentially use the steel chairs in there as a makeshift shield) but Eridan had insisted on a particularly ornamental park(also public, but no cameras, perhaps he could duck into the bushes?), resolved in his desire to "have [their] first moment be among nature, to solidify [their] bond away from the tenets of the internet."

And so there he was, twenty minutes late and rubbernecking whenever he saw someone in a black jacket.

Black jacket, blue scarf, black hair. A guy.

Eridan had told him to meet at the fountain, but Sollux's legs felt heavier and heavier as he trudged on. He still had no clue what to say, and was relying on the inspiration of the moment to guide his words. God, he should've just listened to Karkat.

A man walked past him. Black coat, but with icey blond hair, and no scarf.

Black jacket, blue scarf, black hair. A guy.

He stopped when the fountain came into view. The path would take him there in a minute or two, but Sollux wanted to see if he could gauge who Eridan was from a distance. For now, Sollux was just some guy at a park. Even if he made eye contact with him, there's little to connect him with Eridan's beloved 'booleankittycore'. His beloved “kitten.”

Black jacket, blue scarf, black hair...

Sure enough, a disconcertingly tall figure stood near the fountain. Dark wool jacket, black hair, and a striped navy blue scarf wrapped around his neck, trailing off down his back. Tall was bad. Tall was one of the few things Sollux had in his favor when it came to physical altercations. Eridan being seemingly just as tall rendered that advantage moot.

As Sollux continued onward, much more certain in his own doomed fate to be beaten up in public, he kept his eyes on the man. Upon a closer look, the figure Sollux was sure was Eridan came into focus, and as it did, his prospects got dimmer. Broad shoulders, a leanness to him that suggested he worked out frequently, and a fidgety demeanor, shuffling from foot to foot with his head craned down to something in his hands, no doubt worried his kitten was so late to their meetup. In Sollux's pocket, his phone buzzed, suggesting that Eridan had sent him yet another message.

Finally, the path opened up into the courtyard, a fountain at its center. To Sollux's delight, bushes lined the edges, separated every now and then with a tree. From here, Sollux could clearly see the back of Eridan. The other park goers seemed to sense the nervous energy radiating off him, giving him a wide berth. Sollux allowed himself a moment to enjoy not actively being attacked, and then stepped forward. 

He tapped on the man's shoulder. "Hey."

The man —Eridan— turned around, and Sollux quickly noted a series of details about both Eridan and his situation.

First, Eridan was horrifically gorgeous. The kind of beauty that gets people asking you to do a modeling gig on the street. Nowhere in sight was the greasy neckbeard Sollux had of Eridan as a mental image for the last however many months, instead, a real-life Adonis stood before him, beautiful grey eyes framed by long, dark eyelashes, perfectly complemented by his dark olive skintone. As if that wasn't enough, his tall stature was further endowed by the lean figure Sollux had identified earlier. 

The second thing he noted was the bouquet of red roses Eridan had pressed to his own chest with one hand, his phone in the other.

The third thing was the look of pure hope and maybe even a little joy, that quickly turned to disgust and annoyance. "Back off, freak. Can't you see I'm waitin' for someone here?" And with a huff, he turned away, once again craning his face down to his phone, obviously waiting for a message back that'll never come.

"You're Eridan, right?"

That gave him pause, and he eyed Sollux up and down, no doubt judging him and his ratty clothes. Sollux rationed to himself that anyone would feel unsettled being eyed by someone so beautiful.

"Why? Oh, oh god." Eridan took half a step back, giving Sollux another quick once-over. "Don't tell me you're her boyfriend."

Sollux would've laughed at that, but the imminence of injury drained any humor from the situation. "Look, ah, perhaps you should sit down for this."

Horror continued to dawn across Eridan's face. "Oh god. She's dead."

"What? No, just- listen, 'she' never existed, okay? It was all an act, by me. I catfished you." Sollux waited for the outburst, the anger, the disbelief. Instead, Eridan seemed to collect himself, his beautiful features coming into something of a neutral, if downturned expression.

"Oh."

Sollux continued to wait, but Eridan merely plopped down onto the fountain bench, the bouquet of red roses tossed to the side, almost going into the water. After a moment, Sollux dared to speak. 

"Um, aren’t you angry?"

For a second, Sollux wasn't sure the other heard him, but then Eridan shook his head. "Fool me once."

"Yeah, I guess I shouldn't have let it go on this long, but to be fair you should really be more cautious of strangers on the internet. Especially if you have money."

"Fool me twice..." Eridan trailed off. 

He seemed far more receptive to this hard-earned lesson than Sollux had anticipated, but at the same time Sollux didn't want to stay around and find out if this mood of pensiveness that had come over the handsome man was one short-lived. If Eridan suddenly had a change of heart, there was little doubt that he could easily overpower and make short work of Sollux.

"Exactly. Not to toot my own horn too much but I figured doing this in person would be a pretty good wake-up call for you. So you're welcome for that."

Eridan didn't say thanks, though Sollux hadn't really expected him to. He went to turn away and be done with it all when he heard a strange weepy sound from the other.

Oh my god. He's not crying, is he?

Sollux hesitated for a second, before fully turning around and attempting to speed walk out of the courtyard as fast as he could.

To his horror, he felt something grab his sweater sleeve, and looking back revealed Eridan awkwardly reaching out for him with one hand, the other frantically wiping at his face.

"Wait, wait- I- There's reservations I made-"

"Dude, you cannot be serious right now. You can't seriously want to go to dinner with a guy who was catfishing you." Sollux tugged his arm out of the other's grasp. "Get a grip."

"I don't want to have come here for nothin', I mean, we can still be friends, right?"

"You're joking. Say psyche right now."

"This can't all have been for naught. And besides, the server would think it weird if we stopped bein' all buddy-buddy so-"

"'Buddy-buddy'? You mean when you were acting like some fucking weirdo to someone who refused to acknowledge you? I mean, not that I'm guiltless here but c'mon, the writing was on the fucking wall. Even you can't be this delusional."

"But-" Eridan went to grab him again by the sleeve, like some sort of lost puppy.

"Stop touching me! I get you still think there's something here, hear me when I say there was nothing here to begin with! Even if I was that idiotic chick I pretended to be, any goodwill I had towards you would've shriveled up the moment you started talking like a creep. Not even your looks could have amended that. Now do me a favor and fuck off forever."

That seemed to shock Eridan into stillness, and Sollux took the opportunity to escape, leaving the other alone.

—

By the time he got home, he half expected Karkat to have already messaged a plethora of scoldings, but the only messages he received were from Aradia asking for him to pick up bread and cheese while he was out. Another part of him also expected Eridan to be blowing up his discord as well, but that never happened either.

The uneasiness of silence was uncomfortable, especially since he of all people had been the one to lash out. The whole affair had left him incredibly agitated, to the point he was even motivated to take a shower to help cleanse him of the sensation. Unfortunately, hot water and Aradia's shampoo couldn't wash away his sense of shame. How odd that Sollux had told many an internet stranger to die without so much as a second thought, but being a little mean to Eridan felt like ants under his skin. 

He could still remember the face he made right before Sollux turned away for good. His handsome features stained with hurt, the rims of his eyes flushed with shed and unshed tears. What an idiot. Crying over spilled milk. He acted like his dear 'kitten' was more than just some random person who asked for shit.

Sollux opened discord under the guise of blocking Eridan and being done with him for good, but somehow he ended up rereading some of the sentimental crap the other had sent him.

Kitten, it makes my heart sing to know I am mere hours away from being able to put face to voice. I will admit, I am a bit nervous, to know someone so dear to me will be before me. I hope I live up to your expectations. (8:00am)

Kitten, I saw your argument with the emo one. Though I am nowhere near as digitally literate as you are, even I can be frustrated by the others' idiocy. Must they always pester you with their inane frustrations? They just don't understand that you have better things to be doing. I understand though, rest assured. (09/02/XX)

Kitten, did you see the article that was released yesterday on nonmetallic materials and their computing properties? It seemed very compelling to me, but I understand you are more educated than I in matters of computer hardware, so I wished to know your thoughts on the subject. I'll send you the link in case you haven't already read it. (08/19/XX)

Kitten, I am going to kill someone. I hate to have to bring up my family, and taint our precious conversations with their ludicrousity. However, I can't help but seek your comfort in this matter. I won't go into too much detail, as I know how much you hate when I get about to rambling, but my father has once again been a thorn in my side. (08/12/XX)

Kitten, the last picture you sent me still has me enraptured. I used to think your photography skills were somewhat lacking, but I've come to appreciate the artfulness of it. It feels suitable that we should not see each other's faces until the day we meet(which will be... soon?). I can appreciate these small momentos that remind me of your existence, they make me giddy. (07/29/XX)

Kitten, I am so lonely. Sometimes I wonder if you feel the same. I think you're more the type to appreciate what you already have, y'know, take things in stride. It's a very endearing trait. I wish I could be half as calm as you. Sometimes it feels like my emotions are turned up to a million percent. I wish I could figure out how to turn it off. My life would be much easier that way. (07/22/XX)

Kitten, it seems you haven't been on discord very recently. I am displeased that I have not been granted the relief of your presence. You feel like one of the few things going well in my life, so I struggle without you to balance out all the other evils in it. One day, when we meet, I should do my best to impress upon you how much you've aided me, and how much you mean to me. I would treat you well. (6/01/XX)

Of course, this did little but make Sollux feel like absolute shit. The kind of shit you find at the end of a sewer system, in the world's shittiest city. Eridan was creepy, that was as certain as Sollux's proclivity for hacking. However, there was an awkward sort of sweetness in the tone of all his messages. The how are you s and what are you up to s were innumerable, always asking after Sollux, desperate for the crumbs Sollux would give him. 

In his head, Sollux had dismissed Eridan as some horny pervert willing to buy his affection, but now he just seemed like a misguided sap with too much money and not enough shame. It seemed so odd that someone so wealthy and as beautiful as Eridan could be deprived of affection that he's willing to settle for scraps. In the dramas Aradia would make him watch, there were usually these cold, corporate CEOs desperate for love from someone who didn't care about their wealth or lineage. Was Eridan just an uncomfortable, pathetic version of that? Is that why he was still willing to take Sollux out for lunch, even after revealing his deception?

The more questions Sollux asked, and the farther back in his chat logs he went, the more Sollux felt guilty. The logical part of him realized he should have just listened to Karkat from the very beginning. This wasn't fun or entertaining anymore, and his luxurious chair and expensive computer tower now felt like pointing fingers. 

Sollux tried to play some games, first fiddling around on some shooters at his desktop, then moving to his self-built emulator complete with a CRT TV. Neither quieted his thoughts. In the end. he went to bed, again, feeling like shit.

—

He awoke to an uncomfortable wetness in his boxers, the image of Eridan's long lashes and longer legs at the forefront of his thoughts. There wasn't even a second of blissful unawareness before Sollux was scrambling out of bed, making a rush to the only bathroom in his shared apartment, locking the door behind before yanking his clothes off and hopping in the shower. 

No way. No fucking way. He was not having wet dreams about the idiot he'd had the joy of feeling nothing but contempt for. Well. Aside from the previous night, but that was just because Sollux was feeling a bit bad for his harsh words. It happens to everyone. Today he was supposed to wake up and be over it already, not... this.

Try as he might, he could not scrub the icky feeling out of his skin, and by the time he finally got out of the shower, his skin was blotchy with heat. 

Aradia eyed him knowingly, somehow, and he returned her look with a glare as he scampered off back to his bedroom. He went in thinking it was his place of respite, but now all he could see were the things Eridan had given him. The chair, most of his desktop setup that had been upgraded beyond reason, wires and boxes and collector sets. Even the camera Eridan had bought him, it was stuffed away in his closet, unused and hidden, but Sollux felt it's presence nonetheless. He'd have to sell it all, replace it with something that didn't remind him of that idiot. 

When he checked discord, it seemed Karkat had finally heard the news, as he had messaged him a surprisingly light scolding. Sollux had been expecting paragraphs, but instead had only recieved an ominous:

Hope you had your fun. (9:42am)

i only said what needed to be said. it's not like i was trying to be an ass about it or anything. (12:11pm)

Sollux knew that Karkat was supposedly at work that day, so it was to his only mild surprise when Karkat managed to blow up on him in a timely manner.

I just think it's funny that you felt the need to ORCHESTRATE this whole thing. The dude flew ACROSS THE COUNTRY to see you, just for you to reveal your MASTERMIND CATFISHING SCHEME in his FACE. I realize you've learned to turn off your emotions so you could better manipulate the wastes of flesh you usually pick on, but the REST OF US NORMAL PEOPLE still have them. I was waiting ALL NIGHT to hear back from Eridan, and the only update I've had was him leaving our shared server without a word. NOW TELL ME WORD FOR WORD WHAT HAPPENED. (12:12pm)

Instead of bothering to respond to Karkat, Sollux took a more direct approach to his problem, and opened his chat with Eridan. Miraculously, he was not blocked yet.

KK is up my ass about yesterday. could you talk to him? leaving the server is a bit overdramatic btw. (12:13pm)

And then, because Sollux developed a habit of stupidity, he stared at Discord, waiting for a response that'll never come. Eventually he realized what he was doing, and went around to working on some software project of his, then getting one of his many abused notebooks out and scribbling out some future notes for a potential virus, then making a spreadsheet of all the things Eridan ever bought him and looking up their individual prices, ultimately balking at their grand total. Sollux had to calm himself down by remembering Eridan comes from a family of ultimate wealth, and that people like them don't blink about spending hundreds of thousands. All the while, one of his secondary monitors displayed their conversation. It mocked him, proudly displaying Sollux's latest, curt message, as well as the ones Eridan had sent prior, filled with care and excitement.

He had to leave his room, pester Aradia to order them pizza while he tried to take his mind off things with his best friend's weird Korean dramas. It helped a little. Aradia always helped mellow him a bit, she had that talent ingrained in her, as immutable as her deathly optimism.

Sollux hadn't truly been paying attention to the show at first, but once his stomach was full of grease and carbs, he let the story of it sink in. He gathered from context clues that the leads had undergone some sort of strange betrayal, always turning their beautiful faces away when the other entered the room they were in. Some sort of misunderstanding involving a coveting friend. Overall, it was pretty boring. The climax of the season being a scene where the leads finally came together, their mutual misunderstanding unresolved, but their fingers intertwining nonetheless. 

That was the problem with a lot of k-dramas, they filled themselves with plot and drama instead of just showing the leads share spit like everyone wanted. It was a vast misportrayal of life, sacrificing carnality so the show didn't lose sponsors for the actors to shove in your your faces. It'd be like if Eridan had only wanted @booleankittycore for her company. It's just impossible. No matter how sweet his messages were, there would always be the underlying sexual draw pulling the other towards himself. With that taken away by the revelation of his deception, there was no story to be told now. Eridan had no reason more to interact with him. He could be sad about the loss of something he had the illusion of having, but there was never really a 'them', and he would realize it eventually and get over it. That's why it was best just to end things before they became too much trouble. He should've never started this game. Now it was all mucked up with guilt and thoughts of Eridan's unfair beauty. 

The show lost his interest, and he gave Aradia a brief excuse as he shambled off back to his room. No message back from Eridan, although a slew more from Karkat and a few from some other randoms he knew begged for his attention.

Instead of bothering with all that, he climbed into bed, sunset peeking through the cracks in his blinds. He didn't bother to pull down his loose jeans as he shoved a hand down his boxers, roughly handling himself as he finally let himself picture Eridan, thinking about what he'd looked like while typing out his cringy well-wishes for Sollux.

Eridan probably had a nice office, a proper room for his computer, instead of cramping up his bedroom with it. He came from an old money family, so all the furniture in there was probably some old, dark wood crap. He'd have some ridiculously expensive pre-buit shit as a computer, have the tower nicely tucked away while his monitor took its place on the flat of it. Did he ever think about taking someone else atop it? He's probably jacked off to the mental image he had of Sollux, perhaps even aided by the dingy photo Sollux had taken in the damn sundress, tenderly gripping it in one hand while he rubbed himself with the other, his pretty cheekbones flush with arousal.

Their messages were fresh in his mind, Sollux hadn't noticed anything overtly sexual or even mildly horny from Eridan. Even when Sollux had been obnoxiously suggestive when asking for something, Eridan seemed to steer clear of it, made more apparent by his reread than what he first assumed when he had received them. Was he shy? Or had he been repulsed by Sollux's messages, only too polite to address them, and too desperate to mind it. How would he think of Sollux now, frantically jerking himself off about the man he had told to fuck off barely 24 hours prior? Would he be disgusted? Judgemental? Maybe Eridan would sit in the chair he bought Sollux, giving words of contempt that would only make Sollux harder. 

"Good Lord, you tell me one thing and you do another. Do you even know what you want, kitten?"

Then he'd stand up, lean over Sollux, seeing all of his shame and embarrassment, his pretty lips smirking.

"Do you need my help? Of course, if you're polite enough about it, I'll help you."

Sollux could picture it so clearly, the curls and waves of his dark hair. the eagerness in his gaze, his masculine hand wrapping around his own, guiding his strokes-

A ping interrupted his thoughts, and for a panicked second Sollux wondered if Eridan had caught him somehow, seen into his room and mind. 

For the second time that day, Sollux scrambled out of bed, hastily tucking himself away and wiping his hand on the back of his pants. He was barely in his desk chair when he was able to confirm that it had, in fact, been Eridan getting back to him. Sollux had to blink the panic out of his eyes before he had settled down enough to actually comprehend what he was reading.

Apologies, I'll handle it. (7:02pm)

Of all the times for him to learn brevity.

is that all you have to say? (7:04pm)

The message was typed and sent before Sollux could even register his desire to reply. He mentally slapped himself, then tried to go about salvaging his mistake.

i mean, not in a "that's all you have to say for yourself" kinda way, more in a "i feel bad for how things went down after you flew across the country to see me, do you wanna talk it out" kinda way. (7:12pm)

well, actually you might feel more comfortable doing that with KK. (7:15pm)

i just wanted to let you know you could also talk to me if you really wanted.(7:19pm)

i promise i won't make you fly out this time. (7:20pm)

that was a joke. (7:20pm)

but if you could try to smooth things over with KK, i'd really appreciate it because he's been on my ass about this whole thing since it basically began. (7:23pm)

so you can imagine how old it's getting. (7:24pm)

not that you need to do anything for my sake. (7:26pm)

after how things went down. (7:26pm)

i do feel quite bad about that. (7:39pm)

in my defense i did think you were going to beat me up the second you came to your senses. (7:40pm)

not that you don't have the right to do that, it's just that i can't help but value my well being and you really look like you could throw a good punch or two. (7:46pm)

if you

we could still be 

what you said about being friends

are you still in town?

like i said, we can talk if you want

Sollux is rewriting his message for the umpteenth time, struggling to find the right words when another ping alerts him to a new message from Eridan.

Kar knew? (8:15pm)

Oh shit.

about what? (8:15pm)

about this? (8:15pm)

i mean like, he knew that we were talking. (8:15pm)

and he knows i have something to do with you leaving the server. (8:15pm)

i wouldn't know much else, i don't try to talk to him about us. (8:15pm)

Stop blowing air up my ass. Kar knew, didn't he? And had conveniently let me go on this entire time making a fool of myself. (8:16pm)

It's possibly the rudest thing Eridan's said your way, barring the time he thought you were some stranger at a park, and whatever meandering shame that had been running through your chest now turned into a full fledged chastened sensation, like Sollux had actually ruined something.

i think he was trying to you. (8:17pm)

he was trying to get me to ghost you, but i thought it was better if i just told you face to face. felt more of a clean cut that way. (8:19pm)

although i guess it was the more hurtful route. (8:19pm)

I see. (8:22pm)

Thanks. (8:24pm)

Being ghosted would have truly sucked. (8:24pm)

that's what i was saying, but KK always has to think he knows best. (8:25pm)

It can get right annoying sometimes. (8:26pm)

Especially where it concerns my private life. (8:26pm)

Throwing Karkat under the bus was an easy choice. Eridan was talking to him again, and though they were clearly on rocky terms, Sollux would take it over nothing. What a strange thought, that his opinion on Eridan could change so drastically in such a short span of time to the point that he was damn near jittering in excitement that Eridan wasn't turning away from their conversation. Still, this could be a fleeting conversation in the grand scheme of things. He needed to find a way to lure Eridan back in. To give him a proper apology.

can we talk? (8:27pm)

We are talking, aren’t we? (8:28pm)

no, i mean over vc.(8:28pm)

so i can properly apologize. (8:30pm)

Sollux was tapping the edge of his desk, his leg jiggling up and down just as fast. Five minutes passed like, then ten. Instead of getting a message back, a notification that Eridan was calling him popped up. Despite Sollux having been the one asking to talk, he couldn't help but hesitate, caught off guard and anxious. Even when he had the voice modulator and an uncaring attitude towards Eridan, he knew he wasn't the greatest at talking aloud. 

He hit the accept icon.

At first there was silence from both of them, Sollux nervous and Eridan gods-know-what. Eridan ended up being the one to break the ice.

"Well? Didn't you have anythin' to say?"

"Oh, uh, yeah. Um, sorry."

"...That's it?"

"...Okay fine. I'm sorry for catfishing you. And yelling at you in the middle of a park."

"Great. What a fantastic apology. Thanks for that, I can really see why you felt the need to communicate that over voice chat."

Back at the park, he had subconsciously noted that Eridan had some sort of soft accent, but the heat of the moment had put it far from his mind. Some sort of southern twang, or perhaps even a little pirate-y. Sollux couldn't place it, but it did make Eridan sound strangely posh. Not as much as his messages were, but definitely more than Sollux would have guessed even knowing of his family.

"What's that accent?"

"Huh?"

"You have an accent."

"No I don't."

"Yeah you do. What is it?"

"Is this part a' your apology?"

"It might be."

"How convincin'. I don't have an accent."

"Then why do you talk like that?"

"I don't talk like nothin'."

"You think I'm deaf?"

"I think you're devious and cold-hearted. Also perhaps a tad hard a' hearin'."

"Just tell me what your accent is, dude."

"Y'know this is mighty ironic, hearin' this from a guy with a lisp."

"I don't have a lisp."

"Yes, you do!"

"Okay, yeah I do. But you haven't said anything about it until now so clearly it's not that obvious."

"It's extremely obvious and I only didn't say anything because-... Well. I was under a different impression then. And it's rude to make comments like that to a lady."

"Oh."

"Mm."

"..."

"..."

They're briefly vibrant conversation rolled back to a crawl. 

Sollux had no idea what to say, so he ended up just reiterating his original point.

"Sorry about that. Again."

Another silence ensued, and Sollux thought the other might have hung up until Eridan sighed.

"No, it's fine. This honestly isn't the first time this has happened."

There was a moment where Sollux waited for him to go on. It honestly didn't surprise him that someone like Eridan had made a habit of getting catfished. When the other didn't go on automatically continue, Sollux prompted him. "Really?"

"Yeah. First time was ‘cause of some spider obsessed freak. She had me going for a couple years, before finally ghosting me. Didn't understand what had happened until a few months later when I got in contact with one of her mutuals. I swore I'd never let that happen again, yet... here we are." A pause, then, "I must seem so pathetic to you."

Sollux didn't wanna lie. "Yeah. That was pretty stupid. I was barely trying too." That managed to make Eridan chuckle, less a laugh and more a hopeless expulsion of air. Encouraged, Sollux continued his backhanded comments. "Thanks for all the free shit, by the way. At least one of us got something good out of it."

"I wouldn't say that," Eridan cut in. "Even if you weren't bein' serious, I got a pleasant distraction from all my family's bullcrap."

"You're welcome, then."

"Say... can't we still be friends?"

And there it was. Sollux's golden ticket.

"Well... I mean I don't know. You're asking a lot from me."

"I swear I'll be on my best behaviour! I won't do nothin' untoward, I promise."

"I don't know... How can I be sure you won't come after me for what I did? I don't know if you noticed but I'm pretty scrawny. I have to watch out for myself, you know."

"A' course, whatever you wanna do, I won't be annoyin' or nothin', you'll set the pace."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

It was impressive how earnest Eridan could sound. It also stirred something warm in Sollux's gut.

"...Alright. Well, in that case, I guess I have some questions-"

"I'll answer 'em," was Eridan's response before Sollux could even finish. 

"But I want you to be perfectly honest."

"Absolutely."

"So how many times did you jack off to the thought of me?"

Sollux heard only silence for a few seconds, followed by sputtering sound as Eridan tried to process Sollux's crude question. Doubling down, Sollux went on. "I mean, you really did seem head over heels for the 'me' you thought you knew. Asking for all those pictures, I can only make so many assumptions about what you'd do with them. Guy to guy, you definitely jacked off to me, right?"

When Sollux heard Eridan's voice next, it was decidedly of worse quality, and louder as well, like Eridan was whispering straight into the mic, too flustered to fully carry on the conversation aloud. "I don't see exactly how that's relevant, and I wish you wouldn't imply I used your photographs in such a... unbecomin’ manner. I would never dirty them like that."

"I'm not hearing a 'no', Eridan."

"I refuse to answer such a question!"

"Alright, well, I guess you weren't that keen on being friends then. Such a shame."

"Wait! Isn't there anythin' else you'd rather ask?"

"After you couldn't even answer the first one?"

"It's- weird!"

"It's an honest question, you know. I wasn't exactly comfortable taking all those pictures, especially knowing what you were probably going to do with them..."

Sollux waited as Eridan had another bout of silence. He couldn't tell what the other was thinking, but if what little he knew about Eridan was true, Sollux knew he would fold eventually.

And fold he did.

"I mean... I never used those photos like that, but... I mean perhaps I kept the mental image a' them in mind when I, ah... y'know..."

"Wow." Sollux drew out the monotone exclamation, before hurriedly continuing on before Eridan would return to his senses. "Those pics were pretty blurry though, right? I imagine you probably had to take some liberties in your imagination."

"Uh, perhaps?"

"What did you imagine?"

"I think it'd be best to keep that to myself."

"Oh, c'mon, I had to put on a dress because of you, you could at least fill me in on what exactly you even wanted from all this."

"I never- Well I would have certainly liked to have but- All I wanted was for us to be together, to always have the comfort of each other's company..."

"And in addition to that, you also wanted to...? What? All I want is a little honesty between us."

Eridan sighed. "This is so embarrassin', please don't make me say it."

"Say it."

"...I guess I liked imagining just, oh, I don't know, the, uh w-warmth."

Sollux leaned in closer to the monitor, as if it would make him hear better. "And?"

"I didn't really imagine the specifics, just h-having you under me and, ah, kissin' and such."

"Were we talking?"

"...Sometimes. Just sweet nothin's and encouragement, stuff like that."

"Really? That's so tame, are you being honest?"

"I'm being as honest as I can be, alright! This is- I never talk about this kinda sensitive information..."

"Then give me an example."

"Huh?"

"What’s something you would say? In that scenario?"

"Um... This is humiliatin' but, perhaps somethin' like- Oh gods... somethin' like 'you're safe with me'...."

"And?"

"And... 'Tell me how much you love me'."

"Go figure you'd be so vanilla. And what would I say back?"

"I'm not vanilla..."

"Yes, you are, now get on with it."

Eridan let out an annoyed harumph, but did eventually go on. "You'd tell me much you yearned for me-"

"And what was I doing while I said that?"

"I-I don't know. It was mostly just, I don't know, speculatin'. I didn't have it exactly mapped out."

"You never perfectly imagined what it'd be like to fuck me? I mean back when you thought I was some dainty girl?"

"Y'know, I never imagined you'd turn out to be so crude." Despite his scolding words, Sollux could sense just from the other's tone that his face must have been burning red.

"I might be crude but you were the one jacking off to me, who's the real freak then?" Of course, the answer was Sollux, for basically forcing a man to reveal his sexual fantasies for his own pleasure, but Eridan hadn't thought about that, and his silence was filled with shame. "I guess it must have been such a disappointment for you to realize I was just an ugly nerd."

"...You're the one who ran off."

"Oh, please, don't act like you weren't totally put off."

"I wasn't!"

"Yeah, you totally were!"

"And what about you? You were the one lyin' to me this whole damn time! So who's to blame for givin' me all the false expectations? Hm?"

"I refuse to take the blame for that. You were the one all up in my DMs basically begging for coochie!"

"I just wanted a friend!"

"You essentially sent me a love letter every time we talked! How exactly is that making friends? And calling me 'kitten' all the fucking time- don't make me laugh." Sollux was far from laughing, and whatever horniness he had managed to build up had instantly gone cold. "There was never the chance of anything happening between us, admit it! I was just making the most of a doomed situation, you were the one pinning all your weird romantic hopes on me without even knowing who you were talking to!"

"Oh well, forgive me for hopeful, next time, I'll try to be keen on assumin' the worst."

"Oh, so now I'm the worst now, huh?"

"That's not what I said. Listen-"

"Well, while we're one the topic, let's talk about why you suck ass too-"

"wasn't trying to impy-"

"-constant harassment, creepy delusions, projecting your weird fantasy-"

"-didn't exactly appreciate the deception, but I've been tryin' to be graceful-"

"-making me feel like shit about the whole thing-"

"-ignoring Kar's warnings 'cause I couldn't believe it was happenin' again-"

"-you get to move one easy peasy-"

"-should have never tried to hear you out-"

"-meanwhile I have to grapple with the fact I tried to rub one out to your stupidly pretty face-"

"-and just move on like I always- Wait, what?"

"-now that this whole thing- Wh- Huh?"

"You..."

Sollux should really have ended the call, but somehow, his brain immediately panicked and did what it always did and tried to pull itself in two opposite directions. One side, sensibly, wanted to hang up the call immediately and pretend it never happened. The other wanted to continue to yell at Eridan because, reasonably, this was all Eridan's fault anyhow. And because he was single entity, he ended up fucking up both lines of action, and sat there silently as his brain began to melt.

"You tried to rub one out to the thought of me?"

"..."

"Oh my god. You really are depraved."

"No! You did the same, anyway."

"That was totally different."

"No, it's not."

"I was just an innocent young man caught in his feelin's. You, on the other hand, jacked it to the thought of a guy he ostensibly hates. That's totally different."

The worst part was that Eridan had a point.

"Well... clearly I don't hate you that much."

"Now you have to tell me."

"Huh?"

"I gave you details, now you give me details. C'mon, spit it out."

"I... am not doing that."

"You're not bein' very fair, kitten."

The sudden reappearance of the pet name caught Sollux off gaurd, and an absurd heat filled his cheeks. "I'm telling you fuck-all."

"What was it you said? Somethin' 'bout honesty?"

"Oh, screw you."

"Interestin' choice of words."

"You know that's not what I meant."

"Y'know, about an hour ago I would've known what you meant, but in the wake of you bein' a tad too keen on my own fantasies and the revelation of your own, I find myself a little uncertain."

Minutes ago, Eridan had sounded so shy recalling his own jerk sessions. Now, it was like he flipped moods completely, more confident than Sollux had ever heard him. It was infuriating.

"If I do, we'll just call it even, okay?"

"Fine."

"Fine... I hope you know this isn't something I usually do."

"Sure."

"I've just been a bit pent up. And also wasn't expecting you to be, uh, looking like that."

"Looking like what?"

"Don't be coy, you know."

"Do I?"

"You do. Anyway, I just thought about you jerking me off. There. You happy?"

"I gave you details, I want details too."

"You gave me shit for details."

"I gave you all a' the details I could. Now return the favor."

It wasn't a question, or even a suggestion. It was a command, and something about it made the heat inside Sollux burn a little brighter.

"...I though about your legs, and how long they were. You look built as fuck too."

"I do work out regularly."

"Congratulations, it shows. I, um, guess I liked the thought of you bossing me around. It's not a thing I'm into but, I don't know, it just came to me."

"That's surprisin'. Considerin' today and yesterday, you rather gave off the impression you hated authority."

"I do."

"And yet. What else?"

"Uh, there wasn't really much else."

"Don't lie to me."

"No, I mean, you kinda interrupted me before I could go anywhere else with it."

"Oh."

"But, if I had to guess, I think I know where it would've ended up."

"...And where is that?"

Sollux swallowed noisily. "With you on top of me."

There was another silence between the two. Eridan broke it again.

"And then what?"

There was a noticeable shift in his tone, the stubborness giving way to something more curious. It seemed more intimate, but Sollux couldn't tell if that was just wishful thinking.

"We'd be in my room. It's a little cramped, and my bed barely fits myself as it is. You'd hate it, and let me know, but in my head it wouldn't stop you from climbing over me."

"Tell me more."

Sollux pulled his pant zipper down quietly. "You'd be fully clothed, probably in a stupid suit or something."

"And you'd be wearing the dress I bought you?"

"Y-yeah." He was stroking himself slow, cheeks unbearably hot, needing release. "It looks terrible on me."

"I wouldn't mind." A backhanded assurance, but it only stoked the fire in Sollux more for it.

"I'd imagine you on top, using your weight to pin me down. I'd be so totally at your mercy. I want it, though."

"Want me, you mean?"

Sollux laid his cheek on his desk, the surface cool against his hot face. "Yeah", he said, although it came out sounding like a sigh. "You could hike the skirt up around my hips, if you wanted." He could see the scene so clearly. Eridan above him, carved features confident and beautiful. His perfect hand slowly dragged the hem of the skirt up, making sure to drag against the outside of Sollux's thighs. When the fabric finished bunching over his bony hips, it'd reveal panties, something lacy and dark, barely covering his junk, the small triangle of fabric pulled taught as his straining member pulsed beneath it. He'd want Eridan to do it, though. "I'd want you to do whatever you wanted with me."

There was a pause, and Eridan's voice was back, close to the mic. "Whatever I wanted?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm. What if... I wanted you to touch me?"

He saw and heard Eridan unbuckle his fancy belt, tossing it somewhere to the side, outside of Sollux's fantasy. Eridan pulled down the zipper to his own pants, and slowly pulled his cock out. It'd probably be just as beautiful as the rest of him was, dark and symmetrical. The fake Eridan of his mind would gesture for Sollux to get to work, far less talkative than his counterpart in reality. "What'd you want me to do?"

"What would you wanna do?"

"I... I'd want to suck you off."

"And would you spit or swallow?"

"That's easy, swallow. I'd want your hand on the back of my head, keeping me close, using my mouth as rough as you wanted."

"...I think I'd be a bit more gentle." Eridan's voice sounded breathy now, too. "However, still firm where it mattered." Eridan slowly dragging his dick over Sollux's thin lips, letting him taste before gently replacing it with his thumb and using it open his mouth open wider, and only then carefully pushing Sollux's head down on his cock, ever so slowly, until Sollux's nose was pressed into his groin, with the musky taste heavy on his tongue.

Back in reality, Sollux felt harder than brick, fervently fucking his fist while desperately hoping it wasn't loud enough for Eridan to hear. "Yeah, that'd be nice too I guess."

"And after I was done? What then?"

"I'd want you to grab my dick and jerk me off." And as he said it, he desperately tried to imagine it was Eridan's hand on himself, and his own.

"Could I kiss you while I did it? Touch you elsewhere?"

"Whatever you want."

Now Eridan was laying beside him, the lines of their bodies pressed against each other's. Usually sappy shit like kissing or cuddling put Sollux off, but the earnestness of Eridan's messages were still zipping about in his mind, and that somehow made the thought of Eridan laying open mouth kiss on his neck deeply alluring. He could imagine Eridan finally capturing his lips with his own, speeding up the pace of his fist, determined to make the other cum.

"Kitten?"

"Hn?"

"Are you touchin' yourself?"

"...Yeah."

"Me too."

The thought of Eridan, rich, obnoxious Eridan with his expensive clothes and his pathetic little DMs that begged for any shred of attention, the thought of him also nearly crumpled over his desk, desperately touching himself to the random details of Sollux's fantasy, that is what finally drove Sollux over the edge. 

An embarrassing groan squeezed its way out of his throat and clenched teeth, and then Sollux could feel his load dribble between his fingers. He continued to jerk off, nearly over sensitive, desperate to milk the orgasm as much as he could. 

Sollux strained his ears, forehead unable to rise from the desks surface. The sound of Eridan's orgasm did not come though, only the sound of a long, relieved sigh.

"... I think we should try meeting up again."

"Took the words right out a' my mouth.”