Chapter Text
Jane was stressed. She has been stressed for the entire week. The latest case had her on the brink of quitting her position as Special Agent in Charge and letting someone else take care of it. A high-ranking navy officer was kidnapped, and all the pressure to find him was placed on her shoulders. Every white, incompetent, and useless man (that Jane never understood the how or why they got so high up the ranks with how little brain they had) turned their 'trust' on her to solve the case, and Jane knew what 'trust' actually meant: you do the work of finding him, and we'll do the work of taking credit for it. To make it worse, even if she had solid leads and the FBI backing her up, those same white and useless men wanted another white and useless man to make the calls. Fortunately for Jane, her superiors sent Captain Joe Milius to lead the rescue operation.
Jane didn't mind Joe. He was the least useless man out of all the useless men. He was always in a calm mood and at least had the decency to listen to her ideas before dismissing them. That was a solid improvement, being listened to before being dismissed. Joe was kind to her, too. He would bring her coffee every morning before work and sometimes invite her for drinks after work, though Jane never accepted the latter. She knew what his goal was with all the kind gestures: get her to go home with him for the night and try to free themselves of the stress of the day by having okay sex. (Jane hoped it was more than just 'okay' for him, because it sure as hell wasn't any more than okay for her). Though it wasn't mind-blowing sex Jane knew only one person could give her, it was enough to burn some negative energy and sleep a little better after dealing with the events of the day (and Jane was only a little ashamed to admit that she always thought about someone else to help her get on edge).
That Thursday night was no different from the previous three nights. She was finishing a meeting with her superiors (Joe and the merry white men) and the FBI (her). They spent the entire day discussing how to proceed with the new leads her team got for them, and after Joe finally agreed with her plan of action, they devised a plan for raiding a warehouse and arresting their suspect the following day. Jane started to pack her things in her office when Joe knocked on her door and poked his head in.
"Would you like a ride home, Tennant?" he asked. 'A ride home' means a ride to this hotel room to end the night, like they have been doing so the last three nights. Jane sighed and nodded her head. "I'll wait for you in the parking lot."
Jane saw him leave her office and sighed when she spotted a certain blonde crossing paths with him as she walked towards the SAC's office.
"Whistler," nodded Joe.
"Milius," said the blonde without as much as a look toward him. She entered Jane's office and closed the door behind her. The taller woman narrowed her eyes at Jane as if trying to decide what to say next. She let out a deep sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose to try and relieve some of the headache she felt from the exhaustion of the day.
"How can I help you, Special Agent?" asked Jane with a tired tone.
"Do you actually need a ride home, or is that some sort of secret code for screwing Milius?"
Jane sighed for what felt like the millionth time that night and shook her head, a sarcastic smile taking over her face. She wasn't in the mood for another fight with Kate. They've had too many in the last few months. Jane was tired; she missed her kids, she missed Kate too, even if the blonde was standing right in front of her, and she was in no mood to play these mind games with her ex-whatever after receiving bullshit after bullshit from her superiors during the entire week.
"I can't deal with this today, Kate, so is there anything else you need before I leave?" responded Jane honestly. Kate bit her lip and shook her head.
"Why are you doing this?" asked the FBI agent. She looked around the bullpen to make sure there was no one left before walking around Jane's desk and leaning against it. "Why are you going with him?"
"Does it matter?" Jane asked as she continued packing her bag. She didn't dare look at Kate. She knew she would be a goner the moment those eyes met hers.
"It does to me," answered Kate. "Let me take you home, Jane. You don't have to go with him."
"I want to go with him."
"No, you don't," said the blonde before grabbing Jane's hand and pulling her to stand between her legs. Jane still couldn't look at her, so she kept her eyes on the golden necklace hanging around Kate's neck, the one Jane knew Noah had gifted her. She felt two fingers pressing under her chin, and she finally stopped fighting and looked Kate in the eyes. She wished she didn't.
All the memories of what happened between them came surging out of the deepest parts of her mind to torment her. All the lingering looks, the handholding, the walks on the beach, the hugs, the kisses, the mind-blowing orgasms no one else was capable of giving her. Jane felt her eyes filling with tears and tried to step away, failing miserably when Kate pulled her by her shirt and trapped her with her arms, pressing their foreheads together and caressing Jane's nose with hers. The brunette closed her eyes as she listened to the blonde speak.
"Why are you going with him if it's me you should be sleeping next to? Huh? Why are you letting him touch you if you know I'm the only one that can give you what you're looking for?"
Jane hated that she was right. No one could love her the way Kate did, in any way. No one could make her come so many times in a single night, and no one could make her as wet as Kate did with a single kiss. Whatever she had with Joe didn't make her feel half the things Kate did, but Jane couldn't admit that, and she couldn't let her feelings for the blonde take over her again. Even if she was the one who broke things off with Kate two months ago, she was never able to get over what they had. Jane felt two thumbs dry the tears that started falling down her cheeks and opened her eyes again.
"Answer me, why are you with him instead of with me? You love me, and you want me. Why are you fighting so hard against what you want?"
"Because it's easier and it hurts less," answered Jane truthfully. "There's no reason for me to not be with him. You, on the other hand,"
"Yeah, you've told me a gazillion times already. I dated one of your own, she´s your family, and blah, blah, blah. I'm so tired of you using Lucy as an excuse to try and miserably fail not to love me," said Kate before letting Jane go. She stood up straight and started making her way out of the SAC's office. She stopped on the doorway, turned back to look at Jane, and added, "When you're with him later tonight and he fails to touch you the way I do, try not to think of me too much."
Jane never loved and hated someone as much as Katherine Marie Whistler. She hated the way she made her feel without even trying. She hated the way no one could come close to making her as happy as she could. She hated that, no matter how much distance Jane kept from the blonde, she gravitated towards her every time they were in the same room. Jane hated her, but she loved her so much that it hurt. Memories of them together took over her mind almost every day. But, as much as she missed her blonde, Jane knew they couldn't be together. How could they? Kate dated Lucy, and while yes, Lucy broke up with the FBI agent almost a year ago and moved on with some girl named Skylar (Jane never quite grasped the how or the why of Lucy choosing someone over Kate Whistler), the blonde was Lucy's ex, and Jane was Lucy's ohana. There had to be some sort of code against dating people your family dated. And while Jane felt like she could take over the world when she was with Kate, she felt mind-consuming guilt as well.
She felt a very similar guilt when Joe was on top of her, their clothes discarded somewhere on his bedroom floor, clearly enjoying himself. Jane wasn't going to lie and say she felt nothing at all. She wouldn't be there with him if she didn't, but even though he was good at making her feel something, he failed terribly at making her feel like she did. Jane hated that she was right. Of course she would be thinking of her when having sex with a completely different person, but Jane couldn't help it. Kate made her feel:
"So good," moaned Jane, finally feeling the pleasure she was after. She loved the things Kate did to her. The way their tongues would fight against each other, and when Kate would win, she would pin Jane to the bed, tease her entrance with two fingers, have Jane beg her, "Please, baby, I need you," and then push into her, making her feel:
"So goddamn full," and Jane would cling to her back as Kate fucked her senseless, adding a third finger and brushing her thumb against Jane's clit, sending her on edge so easily. One, then two more pumps in and out would have Jane screaming, "Fuck, Kate, you make me feel so good!"
And then Kate would... stop? Jane opened her eyes only to realize she wasn't where she thought she was, and the person on top of her was most definitely NOT Kate. Jane froze. Joe froze. Jane didn't know what to do. Play dumb? Apologize? Tell the truth? She opted for the first option and asked:
"Why did you stop?" Joe stared at her, a hint of anger showing in his eyes. "Joe?" insisted Jane.
"Who's Kate?"
"Kate? What do you mean?"
"You just screamed her name when coming, so who's Kate, Jane?"
Jane was terrified. Not because Joe was angry at her; she couldn't care less about Joe, but because Jane knew he would find out who Kate was, even if it was the last thing he did.
"I don't know any Kate. I didn't say Kate," answered Jane, hoping he would buy it but knowing he didn't.
"You're right, you didn't say it; you screamed it. Who's Kate?" Jane couldn't take it any more. She pushed Joe off her and stood up from the bed to put her clothes back on and run as far away as she could. "Seriously? You're the one who clearly thought about someone else while in bed with me, but you're the one who gets offended and leaves? Come on, Tennant, I don't care what goes on in your mind, but the least you could do is give me an explanation."
Jane hated that he was right too. She finished dressing and sat on the edge of the bed with him. She knew telling Joe the truth would be both: the easiest way to let him down and the only way to make sure he didn't find out on his own who Kate was.
"She's the love of my life," said Jane, and Joe nodded.
"I got that part, actually. Why are you with me here and not with her then?" asked Joe, and Jane could tell he wasn't angry anymore. He seemed to actually care for her, and that made Jane feel worse.
"It's complicated"
"Try me," said Joe with a small smile.
"She dated someone I really care about."
"Ah, and you don't want to make that someone feel bad."
"Basically, yeah," Jane affirmed.
"Is the person who is close to you still in love with this Kate?" asked Joe curiously.
"I don't think so. She's been dating some other girl for a while now."
"Then I don't see why you couldn't be with Kate, then."
"Isn't there a code about not dating people your family dated?"
"I can honestly say I have no clue. You should ask your teenage daughter, she would know for sure." Jane chuckled and placed her head on Joe's shoulder.
"I'm so sorry, Joe. I shouldn't have used you like that," said Jane.
"Don't worry about it," responded Joe. He placed a kiss on Jane's forehead and added, "We were using each other for stress relief, so there aren't any hard feelings."
"Still, I'm sorry. This was an extremely unhealthy mechanism to deal with stress," Jane joked, making Joe laugh.
"That's an understatement," he said as he stood up and offered his hand for Jane to take. "How about we stick to the gym for stress relief from now on?"
Jane smiled and shook his hand as she stood up to leave. "Deal. Friends?"
"Friends," agreed Joe with a smile of his own. "Which means if you ever need to talk about this Kate gal or have me talk some sense into her, I'm here."
"Or in D.C.?"
"Mostly in D.C., yes."
Jane hugged Joe and left the hotel room. While she was riding the elevator to the lobby, she thought about what Joe told her. Lucy did move on, so why did Jane feel so guilty about being with Kate then? Jane loved her. She remembered the day she realized she loved her. When she got home one night late after work and found her cuddling with Julie and Alex on her bed, the TV was playing a baseball game that Jane was sure Alex made them all watch. Jane missed her so much that it hurt, but what sense did it make to be with her if she felt guilty about it? What sense did it make to love her if she felt like she shouldn't?
When Jane got under her covers on her own bed at her empty house that night, she looked at her lock screen picture. It was a picture she took that night when she found the three people she loved the most all cuddled up. Jane turned around on her bed and faced the empty space beside her. Kate's side of the bed. Jane hasn't slept as well anymore as when the blonde would wrap her arms around her and Jane would rest her head on her shoulder. She missed Kate.
Jane closed her eyes to try and get some hours of sleep before facing another day of working alongside Joe and Kate. She didn't know if Joe knew Kate was actually 'Agent Whistler' but Jane did know she wouldn't be able to look at any of them without wanting the earth to swallow her and bury her forever.