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Ichigo would always regret how he got to know it.
He considered himself smart. Not a genius prodigy, but above the average. It wasn't ego. It was an observation. He knew his capacities and limitations. He thought of himself as someone rational, too, above all.
So it was baffling and insulting to his pride to simply have not figured it out early enough, something that seemed so vital and evident.
That day was a day so mundane, it was making his head spin. A few weeks prior, he had been in a war. He was closer to his death and the death of his loved ones than ever before. He could still feel the adrenaline rushing through him every day, little fractured memories coming to haunt him, mirroring his surroundings. Sounds vibrating in his ears.
But right then, there was only his room sunlit in the afternoon, his friends laying around in his bedroom like it was their own.
They usually went back to the things they experienced in Soul Society in all their conversations. But, since Keigo was included that day, they couldn't.
"I don't really want to go to college." Keigo announced, laying on the floor with his hands behind his back.
"What do you want to do?" Chad inquired.
"I want to be rich like Ichigo." He sighed dramatically. Ichigo didn't bother responding or averting his gaze from his book.
"Kurosaki-kun is going to college, though." Orihime responded to him.
"So are you." Uryu intervened.
"Wait, for real?" Keigo suddenly and quickly sat up, eyebrows raised. Everyone else seemed unimpressed by his sudden burst of energy.
"I don't know yet." Orihime shrugged. "I have to work more now that my aunt isn't supporting me. So, probably not now."
"Ohhh, Orihime, can I be your house husband?" He clapped his hands together like he made a great discovery. Uryu groaned in annoyance.
"Oh, shut up." Tatsuki kicked his legs, making him fall to his side. Keigo quickly recovered, though, sliding own his knees to Ichigo's bed where Orihime was sitting with her legs off of it.
"Please, I will be a good husband. Please be the breadwinner, I can't work." He gave her an exaggerated, ridiculous reverence with his eyes closed and head down.
She giggled, hands covering her mouth. Ichigo shivered at the sound, for whatever reason.
"Why can't you work, Asano-kun?" She indulged him.
"I'm not fit for it...I'm too pretty. Too delicate. You're a strong goodness who can provide." At that, he bended his head again, making her have another fit of giggles.
He then put his hands on her knees, shaking her a bit.
"Get off her." Ichigo's voice cut through her giggles, Tatsuki's protests and Keigo's begging. Ichigo's eyes never left his book.
It grew silent for a prolonged minute.
"Geez." Keigo got his hands off anyway, throwing his body to the side and falling with his butt to the floor. "So bossy."
The room remained silent for a moment. It wasn't uncomfortable or anything. Ichigo thought to himself that his friends were used to him.
He wasn't mad. Not much, at least. He knew Keigo didn't mean to be inconvenient or make Orihime uncomfortable, and even though he wasn't sure she was or not, he knew one thing about her — she prioritized everyone else's feelings. So, she would most likely not voice her discomfort at a shared friend. So he tried to help her insert that barrier.
"We should get something to eat." Chad proposed some time later.
"Yes!" Keigo cheered up. "Ichigo can pay!"
That earned him another kick from Tatsuki.
[...]
When they were walking to a diner in the now darkening streets, Tatsuki came to his side with an enthusiastic little jump that couldn't hide intent. Of what, he wasn't sure.
He kept walking beside her with his hands in his pockets, not feeling particularly excited to be out but accepting it anyway in order to spend time with his friends. He was someone who prized his solitude; he took pleasure in spending time with nothing and no one except the buzzing of his fan.
But lately he craved something. He wasn't sure what, but it wasn't in his bedroom.
He loved his friends, prized the people around him above all else, but he never felt comfortable enough around too many people at the same time.
Maybe it was growing up in a house with his polar opposites, carrying the weight of being oldest than his sisters and more responsible than his father, trying to not drown in his grief over his mom.
He couldn't fit in the world so easily, he felt wrong if he wasn't being useful. So now that things were seemingly peaceful and he wasn't in college yet, he had too little to do and too much to think.
An awful combination for a person like him.
"Your jaw looks intense." Tatsuki commented beside him, no teasing in her tone, surprisingly. "Are you reminiscing something?"
"Just thinking about the future." He shrugged.
"Ugh." He almost laughed at her antics. Tatsuki was probably the most easy presence in his life. She was honest, genuine, kind enough to be understanding but confident enough to never put up with his shit. She kept him grounded. "What a nightmare. Can you ever just live in the moment and not behave like a working class father of three?"
He blinked at her, a little taken aback.
"What is that about?"
"You're always so...Closed off. You almost died, man. Live a little." She pushed him with her elbow, which didn't do much because she was smaller than him by a lot.
"Am I not going out with you guys right now?" He frowned, feeling a little defensive but also called out. He was aware that he was introspective most of the time, even between people he was comfortable with.
"Yeah, and you have this ugly mean expression on your face." She mimicked the face he was supposedly making, which earned her a scoff from Ichigo. "Smile a little for us!"
"You're sounding like misogynistic men who—"
"Shut up." She elbowed him again. "There's nothing to worry about. You're not responsible if a dark spirit decides to come and shallow the earth randomly. Just have fun, be in the present. What does it matter what happens if you're not living through anything?"
He nodded, swallowing her words but too vulnerable at how they pierced to him. They remained silent beside each other while the others walked together laughing at a joke they were left out of.
Orihime snorted, loudly, immediately taking her hands to her face to hide her embarrassment but not being able to resist her laughter. Her face was so red, and not even Uryu could resist laughing along.
It was a nice sight. His chest was tight, with something that felt like more than shared humor, but he couldn't name it.
She was just...Orihime.
Which would always be more than he could make sense of — always crushing him, but never enough to hurt. For all he read, he often didn't have words to describe what related back to him.
And how exactly did she relate back to him?
"Oh, look. You're smiling again." Tatsuki commented with a knowing smirk, finally walking past him, catching up to the others while looking back at him as if saying: Gotcha ya.
When they entered the diner, he was lightheaded.
His heart was beating so loud on his chest he was afraid they could somehow hear it.
When he sat down, he felt Orihime's eyes on him, which made him even more overwhelmed. He knew his face was heating up. He didn't want to look in anyone's eyes, especially not Tatsuki because he was sure she would have the world's most smug expression.
"Are you okay, Kurosaki-kun?"
He breathed in and out, slowly.
He was being ridiculous, even with the realization.
He looked up to her, trying his best to hold her gaze. She frowned a little, Tatsuki's voice in his head remained him to soften his expression a little too late.
"I'm okay. Just hungry." Which was true, but not all of the truth. There was more than hunger eating at him.
"Oh, I bet." Tatsuki almost whispered, making him glare at her, which she was unaffected by.
"Ohhh, they have so many good options." Mizuiko announced to himself. His eyes was scanning the menu stupidly fast. "Are you really paying, my lovely Ichigo?"
"No." He ignored Mizuiro's pout, eyeing his own menu.
"Man, you always treat me like you don't like me." The other boy complained, crossing his arms.
"I don't."
"Why did you invite me to your house, then?"
"I didn't."
"You're so mean." Keigo said it with an annoying whine. He hear Uryu's dry laugh while the girls and Chad tried to decide what to get.
"Hm, but I don't know if I can eat all of the things I want to order.." He heard Orihime whispering, twisting her lips, conflicted.
"Oh, Hime, you definitely can." Tatsuki completed with a laugh. "If you can't, Ichigo can eat half since he's so hungry. Right?"
Tatsuki was smiling innocently at him when their gazes met, and be it a different context, he would've given her the middle finger.
"Sure." He confirmed, not looking away from Tatsuki and her growing smile.
"Fine then. Thanks, Kurosaki-kun!" Orihime beamed, overly excited.
Things easily made her happy, he noticed. The bare minimum of kindness.
"You're so kind.
What? Isn't it normal?
You're right. It's normal."
He wished the world had been kinder to her. He wish he was there for her when they were younger. Something about her suffering felt like his responsibility, too.
When her eyes found his, he realized he had been staring. Too late to deflect though. He just held her gaze, noticing her eyes widening and her mouth opening. She was the one to look away, hands coming up to hold her arms.
He felt a little breathless, leaning on his chair.
He was bad at this. Bad with being vulnerable. Bad with sharing things about himself, with pouring things on others instead of receiving. He knew how to listen, he knew how to handle people well enough if it came with the privilege of not exposing much of himself.
He couldn't figure out why he was that way. Maybe it was the growing up too fast. Maybe it was internalizing a standard of sufficiency that had more to do with his grief than reality.
He wasn't a bad person. He was, at worst, a boring one. Beyond all his bravado, he was a boy. He felt scared, he woke up from nightmares often, he caved to everything his sisters wanted.
He was softer than the world allowed him to be, and for that, he guessed, he would always pay a price.
He couldn't get the thoughts out of his head, trying to puzzle it all together while his brain kept going back to Orihime at every opportunity.
He liked her. Really. Very much.
He was a boy, they knew each other for years. It made sense. It was okay. It was perfectly normal, a development that made complete sense, and yet.
He was terrified.
When they got out — and yes, Orihime managed to eat it all and then some more — he could feel his hands cold and shaking, despite the weather being nice.
Everyone was eager to talk about the food, to complain about the waiter and the group of loud kids that arrived a little after them, but Ichigo was once again stuck with his thoughts.
Tatsuki would probably say something like, just tell her. Because to her, things were easier than they seemed, always. Or maybe he managed to make them difficult out of habit.
Did he know how to handle things that were easy, feelings that didn't torture him? It was almost comical to thing anything regarding Orihime could ever feel like a punishment. One he himself created.
It was a constant question; how can I prove myself? How can I make myself worthy? How can I guarantee I will keep who I love safe?
The answer was never as simple as loving them, not for him.
Even though he did. A lot.
He did love her. It was more than an infatuation or a crush. It had been building up on him for far too long.
He longed for her smiles, and rare touches between them. He longed for her presence, her opinions on things that didn't matter much, even just the sound of her voice or the sight of her. He longed for her, yet kept it to himself, feeling like every tear and every hurt of hers was equally his.
He could only ever love her if he was good enough to make her life easier. To not became something else that she had to worry about. And he already did, he could see how much she ached for him, how willing she was to protect him.
He hated and loved it all the same.
"You look angry." He jumped at the sound of her voice, making her fight a smile.
She was beautiful. Always.
"I'm not." He shook his head, ignoring the goosebumps.
"Did you enjoy your day?"
"Of course." I always enjoy it when it's with you. That, he doesn't say.
"I really liked this place." She put her hands behind her back, swaying a little while she walked. "The food was really good, of course, but the decoration was also so cute! I would like to work there just to stare at the drawings on the wall all day."
He pondered on what she said, hands twisting besides his body. He exhaled, blinking away his inhibition.
"We should come back."
"What?" She turned to him, startled. "Did you forget something?"
"No." He chuckled. "I meant...We should go there again, sometime."
"Oh! Yes, please! They liked it a lot too, and it was fun." She nodded, smiling.
He turned his hands to fists, trying to force the words out of him. Create assertiveness out of pure annoyance at himself.
"No. I meant..." He breathed out, making sure his eyes were on hers again. She was looking up at him with a lot of expectation and patience, her brown eyes shining in the moonlight, and suddenly his friends were so far away he felt like he was floating out of space. "I meant just you and me."
"Oh..." Her face twisted, eyes looking down, as if trying to decipher his words. Suddenly her shoulders went up, as well as her neck, and she was looking at him like she did a week back, in battle. Don't worry Inoue, it's still me.
She stayed silent and wide-eyed for a moment, and he didn't dare breathe until her shoulders went down and she smiled at him with sparkling eyes.
"I would love to."