Chapter Text
After the war it was quiet. It had never been quiet in Hawks’ life, it had always been loud and fast going. Yet now everything seemed to be so slow, he couldn’t believe it. It felt unnatural in every way.
What felt even more unnatural however was him sitting alone in his house, he hadn’t been alone in his house since before he had met Dabi. As he looked around at the walls that were once bare and now held art and pictures of people he knew, he felt so alone.
He had always felt alone in his house. It was never home to him till Dabi starting visiting frequently out of nowhere. The commission had placed him there as if it was a cage for him, and that’s what it felt like, an empty cage. There was no room for anything other than that feeling before Dabi came in and made it home.
Though now he realizes his house was never truly home even with Dabi in it because Dabi was his home. Sure that home was torn apart by the same man that built it but for the moments they were together Hawks would never forget the feeling. The feeling of safety and love, even if both of those were lies and myths.
He sighed while his head dropped, tears pricking at his eyes but weren’t falling. They never did unless it was with him, a subconscious reaction. He knew that they could never fix what had been broken, it could be mended but it’ll never be the same. It’ll never feel the same.
His wings were lost in the war but he could still feel the burning of what happened to be the beginning of their downfall. He knew he had fucked up but they both had their issues in the end. It would’ve never worked in any universe. At least that’s what he tried to reason in his mind.
Dabi’s relationship with him hadn’t been very loving, he admits that. It had been more sex and on the odd chance breakfast the next day but “love” was never truly a word you could use to describe them together.
But that never stops the heart. At some point in their time together Hawks actually favoured him, he liked spending time with him even for a moment. He liked the sarcastic remarks and threats at his life. He liked the way he was held so gently with care, no one had ever treated him as a human before Dabi.
Maybe that’s why he picked his phone up to message the one person he hadn’t spoken to weeks, Endeavor. It wasn’t anything really just a quick “Heyyy big guy how are you? How’s touya? How’s the fam? :)” after all that’s not suspicious, he’s just checking in on his co-worker and that co-workers family. So what if one of them was his ex-kindaboyfriend-not!
Did it really matter when he got the message back hours later that touya was okay and endeavor and the rest of them of course too… it’s not his fault he’s bad with names. Sure he may have smiled to himself when he heard the good news, and it completely wasn’t about his not-ex.
With a deep sigh and his head in his hands he whispered “God dammit.” in a defeated tone to himself. Only time would tell if they would come together again and he knew that, so why did he want it now. He wanted Dabi next to him. He wanted Touya back in his life.
He had never known love of any kind before him, he didn’t know so many feelings before him, yet Dabi had showed him a world of emotions then so quickly left his life. It hurt. His heart felt heavy in his chest, like his other half was missing once more.
Yes Dabis love may have been faked but it felt so real to him. Was everything a lie or just some of it? He needed answers. He wanted to know if at least some part of him was actually lovable or if Dabi had been lying the entire time.
He knew better than to let someone into his heart that much is true but Dabi fit in so easily, like he had known him and been with him for years but they truly hadn’t known each other for longer than 8 months.
He missed him.
He missed his villain.
Even if he wasn’t a villain anymore, he was still his villain. He always would be. Both in endearment and a negative way. It’s endearing because he always called him that when they were together, a teasing nickname. Negative because he had hurt him, in many ways.
It hurt to miss him. He knew he shouldn’t under any circumstances, yet he missed him more than he missed the wings on his back. He felt free with him even when he was under the commissions thumb. He missed him so much.
Tears fell from his eyes and before he knew it he was sobbing, actually sobbing. He hadn’t cried this much since he was a child new to the commission. As he was crying his mind was flashing with old memories, ones from his childhood and ones with Dabi.
-
”get your lazy butt up and get moving kid or you won’t last a minute in the battlefield!” A man yells at a crying, shaking child lying on the ground in a ball. Covered in his own blood as his nose wouldn’t stop, it had been broken in training. He weakly got up while looking anywhere but the adult before getting back to training.*
-
Dabi held hawks closely, gently rubbing up and down between his wings with quiet shh’s. “It’s okay birdie, let it out.” He had whispered with such care to the crying man that he almost crumbled in his hold. He felt loved for the first time in a long time, yet it was only briefly before he forced himself to stop crying and moved away from him with an unconvincing“I’m fine now. Don’t worry.”
-
The contrast of the two memories back to back hurt his head. Why didn’t he just pull Dabi closer, hold him tighter. He knew it was his training but why couldn’t he break free from it sooner. He was free now but not truly. Never truly.
The commission had done unrepairable damage to him that would always haunt him. It flowed in his mind on the daily, it ran in his subconscious, it controlled his emotions and his body even. He knew he would have to move past it but it was so hard when that’s all he knew for so long.
His tears had dried up quickly. If he cried it couldn’t be for long, it had been trained out of him long ago. “Bad for PR” they had said to the children. “No heroes cry in front of people” they had repeated again and again yet there was no where to cry at all. They shared rooms and the bathrooms were all communal. So everyone had been taught to not cry even if it was on purpose.
Yet Dabi… he had made Hawks break so many of the rules so quickly it scared him. Yet now he would jump off a building if he had asked. Just one more chance was all he asked. And as he went to bed that night and extra wish upon a star was spoken into the darkness.
“One more chance. One more chance with him. That’s all I ask.” His eyes held desperate hope as he looked at the sky, wishing just for an instant to go back to him. He never believed in any god nor believed wishing upon stars, the commission was strict on not having any beliefs after all, but just for this night he believed hard.