Chapter Text
AFTER
The dim light of the library made it hard for Remus to focus on the parchment in front of him. What time was it anyways? It felt like he’d been here for hours, just sitting, trying to think enough to finish his work. It’s been weeks since he’d really been able to focus. Lately, all he can think about is that night and how nothing has felt right since.
Pulling himself out of his thoughts, Remus began to gather up his materials. A sharp laugh rang out from across the room and Remus couldn’t help it when his head jerked up, searching for the source of that familiar sound. In the corner stood Sirius Black, someone that Remus would have considered his soulmate not long ago, now nothing more than someone he used to know. He couldn’t help but stare as Sirius’s dark hair laid gracefully on his shoulders, framing his pale face. Even if Remus wanted nothing to do with him, he couldn’t deny just how beautiful Sirius was.
As if Sirius could feel Remus’s eyes on him, he turned away from the girls he was talking to, looking right at Remus. Sirius scanned Remus with his gaze, and when his eyes locked onto Remus’s, Remus forgot how to breathe. A light shone directly on Sirius’s face, and Remus could just barely see his expanding pupils swallowing up that beautiful gray color. For a second, Remus forgot that anything bad had happened between them. For just a second, he saw the boy he used to love.
Then it came back.
Then he remembered the corruptive feeling of blood lust coursing through him and the awful scream of a person who was sure they were about to die. Suddenly, Sirius didn’t look as beautiful. Now, looking at him, all Remus could see was cruelty and disregard for others. Remus’s expression hardened and he looked away from Sirius, grabbing the rest of his things.
He quickly made his way out of the library, too lost in thought to see the redhead he was heading directly towards.
“Hey!” Lily cried out after Remus' body slammed against her.
“I’m just- I’m so sorry, Lily.” Remus stammered, embarrassment heating up his scarred face. He could see the moment that Lily realized something was wrong. Oh boy, he thought, I really don’t feel like talking right now.
“Are you ok, Remus? You seem a little lost in thought,” Lily questioned, eyebrows furrowing in concern, “and they don’t seem like pleasant thoughts.”
“I’m ok Lily, but thank you for your concern,” Remus could see she wasn’t convinced. “Really, I am. Just having trouble completing the paper for Herbology.”
Lily hummed in understanding, “Yeah, I’m not having a great time with it either. But if you need someone to study with, let me know.” She smiled at him, a normal smile, like she knew he didn’t want pity right now.
“I will. Thanks, Lily.” He replied before moving around her and continuing towards the dorm.
When he entered the common room, he dropped his materials and flopped on a nearby couch. He buried his head in his hands and let out a chest rattling sigh. He felt the couch dip beside him and looked up to see James looking at him with a small smile.
“Hi Moony.”
“Hey, Prongs.” Remus smiled back at his friend.
“You doing alright?” James tilted his head in a questioning gesture.
The smile on Remus’s face melted off.
“I saw Sirius in the library.” He confessed, fiddling with the ring on his pinky finger.
“Oh.” For a moment James was silent, probably deciding how to respond. “That… sucks.”
Remus snorted, “Thanks for the comfort.”
“I’m not really sure what to do right now. I still want to talk to him…” James’s voice trailed off as if he was ashamed of what he was saying.
“You can talk to him, James. I just don’t want to.” Remus placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder, “I don’t expect you or Peter to give up your friend for me.”
James stayed quiet for a moment. He ran his hand through his hair before replying, “Are you- I mean, are you sure? What he did is awful, Remus. I want you to know that I know that.”
“I know.” Remus whispered. He and James sat in silence for a while, just leaning against each other. Sometimes Remus wondered if he was being too stubborn by cutting off Sirius, so it was nice to hear that James didn’t think that.
He was yanked out of his thoughts when James stood up, stretching his arms above his head.
“Alright then,” He sighed, similarly to how Remus dad did when he stood up from the living room recliner, “I’m heading to bed. Don’t stay up too late, ok?”
Remus nodded and when James left the room, he fixed his eyes on the fireplace in front of the couch.
…
BEFORE
Sirius looked so peaceful laying on Remus’s thigh. His black hair, a chaotic halo around a pale and outrageously beautiful face. The fire in front of them flickered, casting delicate shadows onto his cheekbones and jawline. Remus rested a book on his other thigh, turning pages in one hand and carding the fingers of his other hand through Sirius’s hair.
“Moony?” came a soft voice from Remus’s lap.
“Yes, Padfoot?” Remus replied, a smile dancing on his lips. He loved the way Sirius says that nickname, like it was a secret between them.
“Only a week until the next full moon,” The smile dropped from Remus’s lips, “Has Madame Pompfrey given you Wolfsbane yet?”
Remus bit his lip. In his opinion, he spent far too much time thinking about full moons. Wolfsbane helps, but it’s still miserable getting through those nights. He has dozens of scars littering his skin that remind him of his monthly plight.
Sirius gently grasped at the hand in his hair and pulled it to his chest, lacing their fingers together.
“Remus?” he whispered, “We don’t need to talk about it right now if you can’t–”
“No, it’s ok. I just, um, she, yeah she gave it to me.” Remus felt stupid, tripping over his words, but after all this time, he still can’t talk about this. Sirius didn’t say anything about his buffering, however, and simply hummed in satisfaction at Remus’s answer. Remus looked at the fire in thought. Sirius had once told him that he liked this fireplace because when he was a child, he thought all happy families sat in front of fireplaces during winter. Sitting in front of the fire with Remus was Sirius’s way of experiencing the kind of peace that he pictured happy families having when they sat with their steaming mugs of hot chocolate in front of the blaze.
“Fire’s dying.” Remus pointed out, rubbing his thumb across the skin of Sirius’s hand where their fingers interlocked. Sirius closed his eyes and smiled, cradling Remus’s hand closer to him.
“That’s alright. We should go to bed soon anyways.” Remus hummed in agreement, closing his book and setting it next to him.
“You’re gonna have to get up so we can go to the dorm, Padfoot.” Remus whispered down to the perfect man in his lap. Sirius whined in annoyance, burying his face further into Remus’s thigh. Remus laughed and tugged at the hand Sirius was still holding.
“C’mon Sirius, it’s time for bed.”