Chapter Text
You approach the Head Housemaiden. Everyone else had something new to say! Everyone else had changed! You were closer, you were loved! This was it! It had to be!
It was all over, you just...
You just had to talk to her.
And you do. You approach, greeting her warmly, happily, and her response is
exactly
the same
as always.
It strikes you through harder than the King's first attack. You nearly stumble, the air disappearing from your lungs. No, no, this had to be it, why wasn't it it, it had to be, why was it the same-
She sobs, and it's the same as it always is.
You just about cry with her.
And then a voice cuts through your panic.
"Siffrin?"
You can turn your head, but you can't manage to shift your expression.
Odile?
"Something wrong?"
A sweet smells is overwhelming your senses. The Head Housemaiden's words are familiar, easy and tempting to ignore. Reality is staggering.
Your family is crying out. Their words cut through the cotton in your ears.
"Siffrin! Something's wrong!"
"SIF!!"
"Frin, come back!"
Come back? You aren't going anywhere, your feet are heavy against the ground. You couldn't move even if you wanted to. And you desperately want to.
Your friends, your family, are rushing towards you.
Your heart is hammering. Move, move-
The Head Housemaiden's words clog the air just like that smell. It's all happening so fast and yet you experience it in slow motion.
You're stuck in place, and yet you feel like you're going to float away.
Isa's reaching for you.
His hand
stretched
desperately.
Will he touch you, this time?
Through the molasses moment, you mirror him, hand raising.
The Head Housemaiden is nearing the end of her script.
You are afraid.
You choke around a lump in your throat.
Your feet are heavy. Just move, meet him halfway-
He's reaching for you
but he won't make it on his own.
You know, in your heart, that he can't. That the scene is too far along to stop now. Everything tingles and buzzes and yet still it feels like the second has stretched thin, long.
Your feet are heavy.
But somehow, somehow, you move.
A single step is all you manage........but it's enough. His hand grasps your own. The weight and weightlessness join and he pulls you, off the ground, into his chest.
The buzzing is louder. Your nerves are shutting off. But you feel it.
You feel the others, not far behind him, join. Mira on your left. Odile on your right. Bonnie, behind.
They're shouting your name. They're shouting. You can't pick out any word but your name.
They wrap, tightly, around you, folded tight, you, safe in the middle.
You're afraid.
They're afraid.
You shouldn't be! They're here! They love you! You are loved! In this moment and for so long before, you are loved!
You can't breath. The sickeningly sweet smell is clogging everything. You can't hear them, the buzzing is too loud. Despite how they hold you, you know you're about to disappear.
You can't! You can't go back to before! You can't go back to before you were family! You can't, you can't do it-
You feel a tug
"Don't leave me don't leave me don't leAVE ME DON'T LEAVE ME-"
on your
"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!!!"
stomach.
Your eyes open in a motion and moment hauntingly practiced. You still jolt.
You're back.
You're
back.
.....you really thought that was it, didn't you? You really thought it was over? You really thought, after all that, that it would be that simple?
Because it had to be, didn't it? Surely, surely if you were loved, it would fix everything. It would fix you. That them holding you in place would keep you from flying back to the start?
An anchor. An anchor, chain severed from you, sunk down to the deep. You, floating off without them.
And you're
alone.
Alone......?
The thought brings a pressure behind your eyes. You nearly cry, which startles you. You can't cry, you won't be able to stand the look on Mira's face if she sees you distraught when she comes to wake you.
But....but I'm....
That's not right.....?
You swallow the emotion down, forcefully. It's fine. You're fine. You tried it, it didn't work, you're fine. It...hurts. It hurts knowing they won't remember the times you shared. Its agonizing knowing they're all so uncertain again. But there's more things to try. You can't just sit here and be useless because if you do you'll never get out of this. You'll all be trapped forever.
Get...out?
Why is-
You squeeze your eye shut. Your thoughts are weirdly scattered, this time. Scattered and slow. Sluggish. Your head pounds.
But you can't let that stop you. Even with a broken heart, you can't just stop and mourn.
There's not enough time for that.
You brace your palms against the ground, and push yourself up.
And then the silence shatters.
() I-I didn't, I didn't do that?! ()
[] Woooahhhh what's going on- []
{} I DIDN'T MOVE MY ARMS WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT!!! {}
<> Siffrin?! <>
You fall, arms slipping out from under you, back thudding back against the grass. Your eye goes wide, wide, gaze darting. You aren't in control of its movement??
You wanted to get up but all of a sudden you can't move.
<> Everyone, I hear you all! Where are you?! I can't see you! <>
[] M'dame! I'm...on the ground? []
{} Hey, I'm on the ground too! {}
() Bonnie?! Is everyone here?! Why can't I see you, wh-what's going on!! ()
Your breathes come sharp and quick. Why do they sound so close?! Are they here?! Are they next to you?
Are you not alone, after all?
[] Sif! We're here! We're here Sif! []
That's Isa's voice. That's Isa, Isa's here, you just need to get up or turn your head and see him and everything will be fine-
You turn your head, to the right, and-
() O-oh change why did- ()
<> .....that's not where I was trying to look. <>
Your head jerks in the opposite direction. Your blind side.
Something in your stomach clenches.
Your family voices confusion, collectively, speaking all at the same time. You can't make out any of it, because the buzzing in your ears is back.
You didn't see anyone else, when you turned your head in either direction.
Your breathes come quicker. You're trembling. There's a sluggishness in your limbs, not just your mind. Their voices are so close. Closer than they'd be if they were laying with you in the grass.
Something is wrong. Something is wrong. Something is wrong its wrong-
You don't try to push yourself up again. Instead, you shakily raise your hands into your line of sight.
The voices go deathly quiet.
<> .....Siffrin. <>
That's Odile's voice. That's Odile. Odile isn't next to you so if you can hear her then-
You tremble. You tremble as you watch your hands move on their own, turning over, clenching, unclenching. You can feel a palpable wave of disbelief and unease flow through you, only partially your own.
The next person to speak confirms what you fear.
[] Those........those aren't my hands. []
"Nonononono....no....no no no what's happening-" You stammer out. Your heart is racing and your breaths are coming too fast and your family's voices are in your head and they're seeing though your eyes-
{} We're in Frin's head?!?! {}
() S-Siffrin, breathe, please- ()
But you can't. You can't you can't everything is wrong they're trapped with you and this isn't what you wanted-
Your stomach tugs.
Your eyes jolt open anew and you haven't moved from your spot in the grass. You try to breathe.
() Wh-what was that?! ()
They're still here. Looping didn't fix it. You're stuck they're trapped it's all wrong-
[] Sif! It's ok, you need to breath! []
It's not it's not you can't breath you're suffocating in your shame-
Go back.
{} Frin!! Stop it, that feels bad!! {}
You're still here they're still here-
<> Y-you need to calm down, please! <>
Start again.
() Siffrin!! ()
[] Sif breathe- []
Start again!
Your arm flails under one of their control. You can't breathe you can't breath and they'll hate you for this-
A TUG ON YOUR STOMACH
Your heart races and you feel
a hand
smack your chest.
It's not your own effort, but it's your hand. It pushes, down, against the fabric of your cloak.
You're still breathing too fast to take in much oxygen....but something about the pressure grounds you. You can feel the racing heartbeat hammering beneath your palm.
The voices that come to you in that brief pause are softer, this time.
[] Just breathe, Sif. Just breathe. []
{} We're here Frin! It's gonna be fine!! {}
<> Slow down, just a little. <>
You try. You try. You're hyperventilating and it feels out of control but you can try. For them. For them. They're here. They're here.
() In.........and out. ()
In, out, in, out, in...out in out......in.....out.
In, and out. You breathe. You breathe.
You can breathe.
The hand on your chest presses down a little harder. Your pulse is still quick...but less so, now.
You take a forceful, deep breath, and it cleanses your palate, so to speak.
The hand not on your chest digs into the grass. You did that, this time.
You exhale, slowly, and hoarsely you speak. "....I'm ok."
() Mmmmmnnnn.... ()
[] He's better! That counts. What can we do to...help you more? []
<> I don't think we're in much place to...do anything to help beyond what we can do verbally. <>
They're close. They're calm. They care about you. You're here. They're here.
They're....here.
{} Nuh-uh Dile, we can do this too! {}
The hand on your chest lifts up, and then moves to pat your...neck?
{} Wait no- {}
It moves further up, smacking you in the face. Or, almost. You see it almost make contact, but clearly Bonnie does too, because they course-correct to hit their mark immediately after.
Your own hand pats your forehead gently.
{} It's ok Frin! I super promise! {}
You manage a smile. It's funny and you want to laugh, but that's a bit beyond you. "Thanks, Bonbon."
You can just tell that they smile back. You can't see or hear them, but you know.
You spend another quiet moment to get your bearings, but then you sigh. "I....don't know how you guys are doing it, but can I have full control of my...body? Back? For a second. So I can get up."
The embarrassment is clear in all words that follow.
() Oh change we are just- ()
[] Oh oops. []
{} Oh CRAB, sorry Frin!! {}
The hand patting your head goes slack, and you sigh quietly again. This time, when you move into a sitting position, there's no panicked shouting to stop you.
When you try to stand, though, your legs are wobbly. Your arms stretch out for balance. Not you again, but it's appreciated so you don't comment. Carefully you walk to the edge of the clearing and lean against a tree. You can see the tiny twinkling star, off to the side, but you ignore it in favor of sliding back down to the ground.
Another sigh, as you press your back into bark. "I.....don't know why this happened. Do...do any of you?" You ask aloud, but you know from context clues that the answer is probably a resounding no.
Odile's the first to answer.
<> No, but I certainly have questions. Many of them. Are you in sound enough mind to answer, Siffrin? <>
You want to laugh. 'Sound mind' was a funny concept considering....well. The number of voices in your head. There's a pun in there somewhere, you're sure.
You hear Isa snicker. Mira's laugh is more mirthless.
But, verbally, there's only one correct response. "Depends what the questions are."
She sighs, at that.
<> I'll start with the most pressing, aside from...our presence in your mind. If we beat the King, how did we get here? One moment we were all together atop the House, and...now we're in the field you were sleeping in? <>
Your chest goes tight. You'd gone to decent lengths to avoid telling any of them this. But...they're your family, now, and you can't bear to lie to them. Not when they remember, too. Your breath is shuddering. "It's....not that we just changed locations. It's....it's yesterday, again. Before we went into the House."
() It's WHAT?! ()
[] Are you- []
{} That makes no sense, Frin!! {}
<> Explain, please. Do you know how? <>
The part of the truth that is most painful. "I've been.....stuck. In a time loop. For....well, I haven't been keeping track of how long it's been cumulatively. But I've been here a while. Yeah."
<> .....time loop. And before now you were the only one who remembered? <>
Once again your chest clenches in shame. "....yes. Just me."
<> How did it start? <>
"That's what I've been trying to figure out for....well, since it started, really. Don't have a lot of leads yet. I thought it would be over when we beat the King, but...." You trail off, and hope you don't have to elaborate.
It's Mira who speaks up next.
() How...how many time have we won, so far? ()
You can hear the stress in her tone. You answer honestly. "That last one was the third time. He...beat us twice before that, though."
() O-oh change. ()
She sounds horrified. You don't blame her. It's part of why you'd been trying to keep this to yourself all this time. You've failed so much for so many reasons, and had you not been trapped, Vaugarde would be doomed a dozen times over. You can't imagine how they feel about you, now.
Or-
[] Sif, we don't blame you for anything. I doubt this is your fault. []
Wait. You hadn't said anything. Why did he-
Oh. Oh wait.
They can hear your thoughts. They've been replying to your nonverbal sentiments this whole time.
They can hear your thoughts! They can hear your thoughts!!!
Immediately your breathes start to quicken again. No no no if they can hear your thoughts they'll hate you-
{} No we WON'T stupid!! {}
They will they will they'll hear every little bad thought you have-
[] E-everyone has thoughts they don't mean sometimes, Sif! It's ok!! Really!! []
But yours are bad they're so bad everyone will think you're-
A hand smacks into your chest again. Once again the pressure startles you into grounding. Your other hand grabs around for....your hat? And pulls it off your head.
You're looking at it. You. You fight with whoever did that for control so you can put it back. You want to hide. You want to pull your knees up, head down, be nothing but your darkless clothes for all anyone would see of you.
That wouldn't fix anything. They're not looking at you from the outside in.
Either way, whoever is holding your hat doesn't let you do anything with it.
<> Siffrin. You need to calm down. Breathe again. Slowly. <>
Straight to the point. You try. It's not as easy as last time.
{} Heyfrin, do you need to scream? {}
It's unexpected enough of a question that your spiral slows. "...what??"
{} Sometimes, sometimes, you need to scream and it makes you feel better! Gets the bad feelings out of your brain! {}
You....you have done that, before. Once or twice. But you can't do that in front of your family, they'll think you're being immature, or dramatic, or-
<> You are being dramatic, for thinking we'll judge you so harshly for every single thing you think you're doing wrong. <>
THEY CAN HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS, STUPID!!!!!
The panic spikes in your chest again, and you wrench control of your hand back and scream into your hat. The sound is hoarse, muffled, maintained for a solid fifteen seconds.
But once you're done, you feel less of the anxious energy from before.
You still flush a little, in shame.
[] It's ok, Sif, really. We promise. []
() We do! We care about you and we're going to keep helping you as much as we can! ()
Because they have no other choice.
{} Uh, no! Because we want to and we love you!! Duh!!! {}
You want to cry.
You don't. Your hands clench into your hat instead. You focus on breathing, calm yourself.
Blessedly, your family lets you do it without interrupting. You try not to mourn your lack of future brain silence.
When you've had enough of the current brain silence, though, you speak up. "A-any other questions, Odile?"
<> ....we don't have to discuss everything, right now. If we're stuck in a time loop then...we have plenty of time. <>
"You don't have to put it off, I'm still good to talk."
<> I don't quite believe you. But since you're offering...what do you know, so far? Give us a basic rundown on how this time loop works? <>
You've discussed this at length with Loop, so it's easy to repeat the basics. "It starts when I wake up from my nap, and ends when I talk to the Head Housemaiden. Or...if I die before I get to her."
[] Die...? Sif, how many times have you... []
You cringe. Every time, aside from the three times you've beaten the King. Most of them were painless tear deaths, but you aren't sure how reassuring they'll find that.
You remember abruptly, again, that they can hear your thoughts. You'd wanted to break that news carefully but you'd just thoughtlessly thought it so now they knew how bad you were at your job!
() That's not- Siffrin that's not something any of us think! ()
{} Y-you died a lot of times and you think we'll be mad at you?! No!! We just don't want you to be dead!!! {}
You want to cry again.
<> ....but it isn't just those two things that restart it. <>
You lift your head a little. "....how would you know?" You say, harsher than you mean to.
She doesn't seem bothered by it, as she replies.
<> Earlier, when you realized where we were. You were panicking, and your stomach...clenched? I could feel the craft energy. Your position reset. I'm believing that then, you were trying to loop back, weren't you? <>
You...you were. That's what you'd been trying. That's what felt like the answer. If things were broken you had to go back to before they were. But the nature of whatever this was didn't allow it, so you'd just been stuck unknowingly doing it repeatedly until they'd grounded you.
You've never...
No. That had happened once. Unwittingly. When you'd called Bonnie out on eavesdropping and they'd screamed that they'd hated you.
It had felt insurmountable. Impassable. The end of the world. And the loop had just...happened. Sent you back a few minutes, to before you'd broken it.
Your chest hurts.
{} ......I wouldn't do that. {}
You squeeze your eyes shut. Bonnie shouldn't have to hear this. They deserve better-
{} I wouldn't!! I wouldn't ever say I hate you cuz that's not true!! {}
You swallow.
[] H-hey, let's talk about something else, alright? []
You take the chance to change the subject eagerly. "Yes, please. Uh...anyone other than Odile have questions?"
You hear humming. Mira begins.
() I'm uh...guessing the looping thing is how you knew about that key in the classroom, right? Did we miss it the first time? ()
Once more you cringe. "Yeah. We got super stuck the first time. There's a lot of places we got super stuck, honestly."
() Is that what you meant by...um. You mentioned the tears? ()
You breathe in, and out. "Touching the tears freezes you in time, and...I touched one on accident the first time, which showed me I could use it." You avoid thinking about it in any more detail than that. "It's painless but it counts as dying? So it lets me loop. The only readily available alternative is dying in battle. Aside from the King, that's only happened twice."
() Well thank change for that. I-if it weren't for you looping, we would never have made it to the King in the first place! ()
You're also the reason none of those wins stuck, so you can't really feel proud of it.
[] Sif.... []
You breathe deep, and finally set the hat back on your head. "Question, Isa?" You prompt.
He hesitates.
[] I...don't know if it's important. I don't wanna put you on the spot. []
"Just ask, Isa, I don't mind."
[] .....you. Um. Thought about someone named Loop? Who are they? []
You hesitate, too. Honestly, the little information you have on them makes it a difficult question for even you to answer.
But you try. Because you have to.
[] No you don't- []
"But I should. They...showed up, after the first time I looped. They said there were here to help me and...they have? Kinda? They're annoying but they remember the loops like I do so they're helping me keep track of all the information."
<> Did you not say earlier that you were the only one who remembered? <>
You suck air through your teeth. "I wasn't...saying that to lie, I just...didn't know how to bring them up. They're weird to talk about. And..."
Hard to admit it to them out loud, but easy enough to think it. They don't seem to like your family. They seemed to outright hate the idea of meeting them, as far as you could figure. They were impossible for you to read; you could be wrong about that.
But you don't think you are.
[] Oh. I see. Uh...sorry, I guess? []
You grip your wrist tightly. "You don't need to feel sorry for me about that. Whenever I bring it up they get avoidant...and it just wastes time we could be using to figure things out."
You breathe deeply, again. "...but I should definitely go see them later this loop. They might know how you guys got here in the first place. Or at least they can help figure it out. That's what they're for."
[] Mm-hm, mm-hm. Sounds like a good place to start! []
Another deep breathe. You didn't feel as scared as you did before, to your surprise. You'd...been desperate for something to change. And something had.
It's a terrible thing to be relieved by, but you are. They're here with you. They never were before.
You startle as your hand raises against your will.
{} Can I ask a question too? {}
Your eye widens. "O-of course you can! Definitely, Bon."
{} Ok!! Uh. Can you say what 'time loop' means again? I didn't really get it. {}
You manage a smile. "The same two days keep happening to me over and over. Just me. No one else remembers. Don't know why yet."
{} Hmmmmmmmmm. Ok. Why didn't you tell us about it? {}
Your brows bunch in confusion. "I...did? I'm telling you right now-"
{} No, I mean yesterday! Yesterday-tomorrow! We woulda wanted to help! {}
You don't think they could've. It's a nice thought, but-
<> Siffrin, you underestimate us a little. <>
{} Yeah, Dile can figure it out! Dile's smart!! {}
But none of them should've had to worry about it. You're not particularly hung up about it now that they do know, but...it would've made every loop more stressful for them. You didn't want to do that so you didn't.
[] .....Siffrin. You struggling alone is not better than the alternative. []
Fullnamed by Isa. That's how you know he means it. You bury your face in your hands and groan. "I never said I was good at this." You protest.
A single, subdued laugh from Mira.
...they want to help you. Of course they want to help you. And now that looping doesn't reset their memories, they can.
You thought helping them was the answer, the trick you needed to make things change...and somehow, it was. Not in the way you expected, but that's par for the course at this point. Nothing gets to be easy for you.
For a moment, you feel that relief from before. But then some kind of unease creeps up on you, and your gaze slowly trails over to the meadow's exit.
() Is something wrong? ()
{} What're you looking at Frin? {}
Your eye narrows, nervous, chest growing tight. What was-
You realize.
"...I've been awake for a while." You speak, soft, cautious.
<> ...is that abnormal? <>
"Mira, you....if I take too long after waking up to leave on my own, you come to wake me up yourself."
It takes a few moments to get a response.
() I come to.....but I'm....here, so... ()
She devolves into mumbling for a moment, anxiety creeping into her tone.
() B-but I'm....we're all in your body, so...so...so is there even..... ()
She wavers. She doesn't want to voice whatever thought she'd had.
Odile does for her.
<> What...state are our bodies in? If our minds are here, are they... <>
She, too, trails off. Your chest clenches, tight, fretful.
You'd stolen them unwittingly from their places. Minds separate from where they were meant to be.
If you walked out of this meadow, would you see their bodies empty husks?
Your heart starts to race again.
Your fist clenches, by one of their wills.
[] Mine. Whatever we see out there, we won't know until we go. So we should just...get it over with, I think, right? Face it so we don't worry for longer than we need to. []
You breathe in, and out. You stand. It's wobbly, like you're not the only one trying to use your legs. Isa apologizes, because he had been, on accident, and finally, you feel like your body is solely your own again.
You're still terrified of what you might find out there, but...
....at least you won't be facing it alone.