Work Text:
Peace.
That's the word that first comes to mind when expressing how I currently feel.
Calm, freed, light. Those descriptions suffice as well. But if I am asked to describe this overwhelming sensation—or more accurately, the lack thereof—I'd choose peace.
I can finally bid farewell to the shackles of my old, frail body, as I’m released of its strict confines. Even though motion ceased to exist in this realm of void, my existence—or lack thereof—is as light as a feather and spry like a dancer.
Vilified as erasure is among the living, never had I imagined it to feel so…liberating. Although my companions failed to appreciate that aspect, too distraught by the loss of their physical forms. Even with no ears, I caught the commotion that rang through the emptiness, as if their thoughts transported as sound; a mingled mess of cries and complaints at the unfairness of it all.
I pitied them truly, but I preferred not to pay them much heed. Words failed to persuade them in life, why would it be any different here?
The hustle grew quieter the further I drifted away in the vast expanse of the void, abandoning the carnal anxieties behind with my body for good.
Although my form disintegrated into diminutive particles from which it was once compounded, marking a finale to the identity I spent my lifetime honing and disciplining. Within this act of returning to the basic components that once shaped who I was, I reached the ultimate salvation. One that cannot be achieved through any other means.
But strangely, I felt hollowness within the core of my invisible being. As if something yet remains missing—a sense of longing for a lost fragment, one that would join me and make me whole.
But what is it?
As if to expedite my search and quell my yearning, particles of energy began flying to converge at one point ahead of me. Slowly and meticulously, they gathered to form a familiar shape—one I believed I wouldn’t see ever again.
As atoms continued to weave a body - built not from matter, but energy in its purest form - the form grew clearer, giving the illusion of solidity, shaping an individual whom I was once familiar with. He who parted from me under unpleasant circumstances. He whose departure waged a war inside me, as reason conflicted with sentiment. One time, I’m grieving, drowning in remorse, the other, I’m scornfully severing any loose ties so that I may forget and let go.
But I never cried.
Perhaps because it never felt real. Even after witnessing the destruction brought by his hand in another timeline, it all felt like nothing more than an unpleasant dream. One which I’m going to wake up from and bury in the darkest depths of my mind. Because a part of me always believed I’d see him again. Even when my brain knew it was not to be, my heart persisted in its delusion that we’re to see each other once more. So I never cried.
And right now and here he appeared before me, just like how I always envisioned.
But he wasn’t facing me. Even when I called out to him, he failed to hear me—or perhaps purposefully refused to regard me.
I hasted towards him—all forms of apprehension, regret, and anxiety that I once feared would preclude our reunion now forgotten as I reached him. And when I tried to grab him, as if on cue, the universe, in all its generosity, indulged my whims by granting me a hand to grasp his arm, pulling him towards me.
That got his attention. And as he turned to greet me, time slowed down, flashing me images of our lifetime in each instance.
With every small pivot, his appearances sifted through all phases of his life, starting with the young kai with the eyes that glimmered with innocent fascination in life and all its mysteries, wonder and naivete reflected in those youthful features. Before shifting into a young man, surrounded with an air of confidence and ambition that presented itself in the way he carried himself, standing upright with focused gaze, one that slowly increased in intensity, switching to a more sinister glare as a dark aura engulfed him whole, switching to a whole different person, with the only lingering evidence of who he once was laid in the eyes that shone with burning passion.
And last, as he fully faced me, I saw it…
The true him that I failed to save.
Donning the familiar attendant uniform, rather than the stolen skin and bones, nor the corrupted combination of two selves lost in the depths of their misjudgment.
His stance was straight, but lacking any finesse and elegance. His muscles strained and forced to assume this posture. Words weren’t required to comprehend the turmoil brewing underneath, when his expression alone sufficed to convey the hidden message. His eyes, sullen and empty, were fixed on me, staring with a look of helplessness and loss, like a lamb seeking guidance back to the flock.
His gaze searched mine for an answer—an explanation. Anything to ease him from the internal pain that gnawed at him from within.
Even without his voice, I knew what he wanted to ask.
Why?
Why is the world so torn in conflict? Why is the one who steps up gets hammered into place? Why was he condemned when all he sought to do was what he perceived as right? Why is destiny so cruel?
I couldn’t respond, for I had no answer. I couldn’t help, just like before.
And you’re left to pay the consequences of my ignorance and wallow in eternal damnation for my ineptitude.
…
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Let me make amends for my own sins. Entrust me with your hand to guide you back to the right path. Let us put all the hurt and the pain behind and return back to how things were.
Let us go back home.
As if my thoughts were a voice, they reached you, and you looked at me with eyes no longer devoid of life but now glinting with hope and anticipation.
And that’s when everything crumbled.
…
My eyes fluttered open, as if I had just awoken from a deep slumber. I found myself standing beneath the giant tree back home.
As I stepped forward, exiting the shadows over my head, a smile crept into my face as I stared into the starry sky, stretching endlessly into all directions like the sea. Even without explanation, I knew that a virtuous soul had wished all the destroyed universes back into existence as an act of mercy.
Even though my body felt heavy with the strains of time taking their toll on my old body, I felt light like a bird, as if instead of returning to life, I merely awoke from a very pleasant dream.
So then why...
...are tears coming down?