Work Text:
Kotone finally finishes wiping down her desk, the last of the surfaces in her dorm room that needed deep cleaning. The smell of disinfectant fills the room, floating lazily around as a chilly September wind wafts through her open window. Any other day the smell would be off-putting, even nauseating, but today is not one of those days. Kotone has just gotten over a three day long sickness after being caught in the typhoon’s downpour, and the fact that she can smell anything at all is a blessing as far as she’s concerned. She sighs in relief, setting down the bag of disinfectant wipes and falling over backward onto her bed with a loud squeak from the protesting springs beneath.
Her sickness worried every member of SEES. Kotone has gotten nothing but joyous congratulations for the overcoming of her illness since she woke up this morning with a clear throat and an unclogged nose, and she is going to enjoy these few days off while she still can. And that means no Tartarus, period. The other members of SEES seemed to be understanding when she made this declaration, and a few even expressed relief; Junpei in particular could not stop gushing about the time he plans on spending with Chidori, chattering away about her without a care in the world. And, if she’s being perfectly honest, Kotone is starting to get a bit jealous.
Not of Chidori, mind. God no, eww.
No, she's just a bit jealous of their situation in general. Junpei seems… happy. Truly happy in a way Kotone’s not sure she’s ever seen him, like he’s finally found the thing that he can do; helping a hurt girl feel just a bit better about the rough situation she’s in, simply with his presence and attitude.
It’s not that Kotone hasn’t felt fulfilled in her role as field leader; far from it. She really does think she's happy… most of the time. But it's been hard for her to keep her energy up. A sense of foreboding has been building in her chest over the last few weeks, ever since the Hermit Shadow, and more and more she feels like something terrible is coming. The visits from Pharos has weighed heavily on her mind, his cryptic warnings ringing in her-
Knock knock knock.
Kotone shoots out of her bed, out of her thoughts. She was in dangerous territory, there; if she thought any longer on that topic, she might spiral. She takes but a single moment to make sure she’s respectable before pulling the door open, peeking past, and then up, at Shinjiro.
“Oh, Senpai! What’s up? Everything… okay?” Kotone hasn’t seen Shinjiro today; she had asked about him when she first got up, but everyone had said he was out shopping.
“Everything’s fine. I wanted to…” He clears his throat, shaking his head. There’s a light redness to his cheeks as he finds his voice. “...Wanted to make sure you were feeling alright.”
“Aww!” Kotone opens the door the rest of the way; she has nothing to hide now that her room is finally clean. “I’m doing good, I think!” She grins mischievously, fresh from her rest and ready to tease. ”I’m even better now that you’re here. Do you want to come in?”
“...What are you, stupid?” The hints of a blush vanish, Shinjiro evidently not enthused with the sudden suggestion as he fusses with his beanie and pulls it a bit further down on his head. “I wasn’t just coming to visit; I want to ask you a favor.”
“Oooh?” Kotone slips out of her room, closing the door behind her. “Let’s go then!”
“I haven’t even said what it is I need...” Her actions finally prompt Shinjiro to smile, and Kotone can’t help but feel warm at that. Every time she gets the stoic boy to smile is another victory in her books. “...C’mon.” He gestures for her to follow, stalking through the third floor hallway with his hands in his pockets.
Kotone skips along beside him, just glad for something to finally do today that’s not cleaning.
—
As they enter the kitchen, Kotone finds it already lit up. Ingredients for baking, likely the groceries Shinjiro was picking up earlier, cover the counter. Flour, cornstarch, baking powder, and baking soda; all sorts of goods line the ample counter space of their dorm’s kitchen. Kotone’s eyes light up, and she lets out a small gasp. “Am I going to help you bake!?”
“Keep it down!” Shinjiro glances over his shoulder toward the open doorway leading into the main room, watching it for a few moments before shaking his head and turning back to Kotone. “Sheesh. Acting like I’m doing you the favor or something.” Shinjiro pulls two aprons off the hook, holding one out to Kotone. “You’re going to want this if you still want to help.”
“Want to? Now I’ve got to!” Kotone pulls the apron on swiftly, tying the strings behind her back as Shinjiro turns to wash his hands at the sink.
“Well… at least you’re enthusiastic.” Shinjiro shakes his head, a small smile on his face as he washes up. “We’re making a cake. Have you made one before?”
“Uhhh, not exactly… I’ve made cupcakes? That’s pretty much the same.” Kotone flits forward, taking up position behind Shinjiro and pulling the strings of his apron taut as she begins to tie it for her senpai. She’s trying to be helpful, after all. “What’s the occasion, anyway?”
She doesn’t receive an immediate answer, Shinjiro tensing up as Kotone ties the strings of his apron into a bow. She glances up at him, trying to catch a glimpse of his expression, but he turns away before she can get much of a look.
Shinjiro grabs a hanging washcloth, drying his hands off before taking a step back from the sink. “Wash your hands. Under your fingernails and around your wrists, too.”
He paces away, opening the fridge and pulling out a few more ingredients: Eggs, a couple sticks of margarine… and something that looks like milk in a clear, unmarked container. Kotone shrugs at his lack of an answer. Shinjiro clearly isn’t in a very chatty mood at the moment. She approaches the still running tap and begins washing.
There’s a clanging of bowls behind her as Shinjiro seems to be getting something ready. Kotone glances over her shoulder, finding Shinjiro setting up cake pans and a mixing bowl. He catches her eyes, shaking his head with a small smile. “Hey, don’t waste water. C’mon, don’t want Aki getting back early.”
“Aki?” Kotone dries her hands off, using the washcloth to turn off the water before hopping over to the counter island. “The cake’s for Akihiko-senpai?”
“Y-yeah.” Shinjiro begins to blush again, averting his gaze. “It’s his birthday tomorrow. We’re going to make red-”
His words are interrupted by Kotone’s shocked gasp, her hands jumping to her face. “It’s his birthday!? Why didn’t he say anything?”
“...Now you’re going to have to wash your hands again.” Shinjiro’s blush doesn’t disappear this time; if anything it only deepens. “Hurry up.”
Kotone will count that as a victory too.
—
Kotone crouches beside the oven, staring at the two red velvet cake layers baking away inside. The process of mixing was honestly a lot simpler than she expected. She’s not even really sure why Shinjiro asked for help; he constantly needed to inform her of the ingredient amounts, as the recipe seemed to only be in his head, and he had to run back and forth to make sure everything was to his standards, only slowing the whole process down even more. Baking in amounts this small wasn’t really like cooking, after all. There was only one mixing bowl for the two cake layers, and as a result they could only work so fast.
“Senpai… I don’t think I was much of a help today.” Kotone rocks back and forth on the balls of her feet, cradling her head in her hand with her elbow resting on her knee. “I’m sorry I don’t-”
“Hey, enough of that ‘senpai’ crap.” Shinjiro comes over beside her, his hand dropping to rest on Kotone’s head.“...Just call me Shinjiro.”
“Shinjiro…” Kotone glances up, finding Shinjiro staring into the oven alongside her. His expression is enigmatic, his eyes unfocused, as if he was thinking deeply about something. Kotone smiles a bit at his attempt at familiarity and decides to push it just a little bit farther. “Can I call you Shinji?”
“Shin…” That gets her a glance, his expression shifting to something straddling the line between bemusement and embarrassment. “...Whatever. Just not senpai.” Kotone giggles at this, nudging his still-present hand with her head. He lets out a small chuckle, glancing over his shoulder at the kitchen island where used utensils and a mixing bowl still rest. “I’ll wash, you dry?”
“Sounds good to me… Shinji.” She smiles up at him, a smile he returns with a shake of his head.
—
“What was that stuff you put in the cake?” Kotone leans against the island, watching the oven again.
The dishes didn’t take very long; they hadn’t waited long enough for the batter to dry, after all. Shinjiro stands beside her, hands deep in his jacket pockets. Neither of them have removed their aprons; they'd only need to put them back on for decorating the cake anyways. Shinjiro gives her a long, odd look, and she clarifies.
“That milk stuff. You had it in its own container. Didn’t look like you got it from the store…”
“Oh.” Shinji shrugs, glancing away. “...Homemade buttermilk. The store I went to didn’t have any of the dairy-free stuff.” He lets out a small chuckle before turning his attention back to Kotone. “Made some frosting and cream cheese substitute, too. Aki tries not to let on about it, but he’s really sensitive to milk. Used to cry about it every time Miki shared her chocolate with him. Boy never says no.”
Kotone snorts, covering her mouth and nose. Shinji just watches her, a smile creeping up. She laughs, still covering her face. “That’s… that’s really cute.”
“He used to say shit like, ‘I didn’t want her to eat alone!’” Shinji glances up at the ceiling, his expression no longer visible to Kotone. “...I get it, though. Eating alone is…” He trails off, his voice betraying just the smallest of cracks.
The conversation dies off then, with Kotone just watching Shinjiro while he only has eyes for the ceiling. The kitchen is now filled only with the quiet hum of the lights above and the ticking of the egg timer beside the oven. Kotone’s own thoughts turn to Miki, just as she’s sure Shinjiro’s have. About the little girl who found two older brothers after losing her parents, just for those two boys to lose her as well. A tragedy built on tragedies, a dance without end.
Pain shoots through her heart as her mind now turns to her dark thoughts from earlier, from when Shinjiro came to get her, and she clenches her teeth. She tucks her arm through the crook of Shinjiro’s elbow, pulling herself a bit closer to him and looking up with a forced smile on her face. “None of us have to worry about eating alone anymore. You even remembered Akihiko’s birthday! Now he’s got no excuse.”
At first she thinks Shinjiro will nudge her away, or ask her to stop, as he reflexively recoils at her touch, his arm stiffening in response. But he doesn’t. His arm relaxes, after a moment, and he finally returns his gaze to hers. There’s a blush there; not of embarrassment or self-consciousness like before. There’s something a bit more than that, something warm. This expression is like a trophy, in her mind, declaring that while she might have won this round… so did he.
“I’m not even sure if he remembers it’s his birthday, too. He kinda stopped caring about that kind of stuff.”
“Well…” Kotone isn’t sure what Shinjiro means by ‘too,’ but she lets it go, reaching over and resting her other hand on Shinjiro’s arm. “I’m sure he’ll be glad you did… You’re very thoughtful.”
“I… don’t know about that.” Shinjiro shifts in place, pulling his hands from his pockets. Kotone worries for a moment that he’s going to pull away, but instead he reaches over to pat Kotone’s arm with his loose hand, lingering on her elbow. “...It might only make it worse.”
“What do you mean?” Kotone glances up at Shinjiro, eyes wide.
Shinjiro meets her gaze, the blush slowly falling from his face. “I mean…” He sighs, finally untucking his arm from Kotone’s grasp and ending their quiet moment together. He busies himself instead with returning to the fridge, pulling out two more unmarked containers, likely the frosting and cream cheese, and setting them on the counter. “...The layers will be done baking soon. Let’s get everything ready.”
—
Shinjiro spreads the frosting across the double-layered red devil cake, his smooth strokes betraying a level of competence that Kotone finds extremely impressive. She simply watches for now, holding the bag of dairy-free cream cheese with a pipette at the end, ready to apply it in the flowery patterns Shinjiro demonstrated for her. She isn’t really sure how cream cheese could be dairy free, but Shinjiro almost certainly knows more on that end.
It takes no time at all for him to finish frosting, his technique practiced and steady. He sets the offset metal spatula down and steps to the side. “Go ahead… Try to keep the rose pattern even.”
“This cake is soooo cute, Senp-” Kotone giggles before she corrects herself, already messing up one of the roses. “Shinji.”
“What did I tell you? C’mon…” He leans over, pulling an arm around Kotone to hold her left arm steady at the elbow, while grasping her right hand with his.
Kotone’s face lights up like a Christmas display at the sudden physical contact, but she is not complaining. And Shinjiro himself doesn’t even seem to notice their proximity as he slowly guides her hands across the outer layer, releasing small, flower-petal shaped patterns across the circumference of the cake.
They continue in silence, with Kotone utterly unwilling, or maybe even unable, to break the spell that keeps Shinjiro so close. She can smell his jacket; even with the sweet cake smells wafting in from the dessert only half a meter away, Shinjiro’s jacket is all she can focus on. Beneath the smell of the kitchen, beneath the splashes of cake batter and errant frosting, there is an earthiness to his scent. Like upturned soil in a garden, like the greenest leaves in the world, like a tree that found its final rest in the earth below. She leans, ever so slightly, into his touch, allowing herself to be surrounded in his embrace. But Kotone finds a chill there that she doesn’t expect. Like a forest floor that hasn’t seen the sun in years, and is now forever waiting for the kind of warmth that could only come from the felling of that very forest.
But Kotone can’t be sure. Maybe the feeling was brought along by a draft through the open kitchen doorway. Maybe she’s been so long without such close, intimate touch that she doesn’t even know how it’s supposed to feel. Maybe it always feels like there’s space between, even when there is none. Maybe she’s projecting, and she just doesn’t know how to feel good anymore.
Maybe she doesn’t even know what is good anymore.
“...I think you’re doing it on purpose now.” Shinjiro’s sudden words seem mocking, but there’s no bite to them, the sound of a smile carrying from his lips.
Kotone jolts from her thoughts, observing the spiral shape she’d been unconsciously sketching into the side of the birthday cake. She has a moment of trepidation, of self-consciousness, before she allows herself to giggle. “Guess I’m just a little nervous.”
“What for? You’ve been doing well so…” Shinjiro tenses, his hands gripping Kotone’s arm and hand a bit tighter out. It hurts, but not to the point of pain. His eyes betray a realization of boundaries, imagined only by the boy himself.
And thus, the spell is broken. He pulls away, taking a step back. Kotone can already feel herself missing his touch, his presence, and she takes her own step closer. “I didn't say you had to stop...”
“No, I…” Shinjiro shakes his head. He stares longingly at nothing, eyes unfocused and far off as he looks right over her head. “...Let’s finish this cake.”
—
“Maybe we should add a little boxing ring on top!” Kotone marvels at the nearly finished cake, leaning over on the counter and bouncing one leg up and down, the tips of her house shoes tapping away at the kitchen tile. It turned out well enough, even with her fooling around. Shinji managed to make the bottom symmetrical, and then let Kotone finish the rest. She was much more careful the second time around, and the roses look perfect in her opinion. “We could maybe run some red licorice across… Glue it with cream cheese to some pocky for the poles… I can even make a little Akihiko cookie maybe?”
“We’d just be babying him at that point.” Shinjiro rolls his shoulder, observing the cake with a satisfied smile. “What do you want to write on top?”
“Uhhh…” Kotone takes a moment to think, standing a bit taller to take a look at the space available. “‘Happy Birthday, Aki,’ maybe? I dunno, what did you used to put on them?”
“Used to…?” Shinjiro stares at her, uncomprehending. “...I never really did anything like this for Aki.”
Kotone blinks, her attention fully switching to Shinjiro. “Really? You seemed really practiced. You had the recipe memorized and everything!”
“Well… that's…” A pained expression flicks across his face as he turns to examine the cake. “We should probably-”
“Hey.” Kotone reaches out to rest her hand on Shinjiro’s arm. He freezes at his touch, words failing him. “Shinji… can we just… talk?”
He says nothing at first, his eyes still averted from Kotone’s. He fidgets restlessly, pulling out his hand and reaching over to the cake. Kotone watches, unsure of what he’s doing, before he lifts up the cake lid and sets it atop. With that, his attention turns to Kotone, and he nods. “Okay… Let’s talk.”
—
The common room is thankfully empty as Kotone and Shinji take position on the couch. Her news of no Tartarus expeditions for the week seems to have been a good incentive for everyone else to study for the night. Midterms are less than a month away, after all, and Junpei, who’d normally still be present, is likely off at the hospital to see Chidori. It’s starting to get dark outside, and Shinjiro watches the door as if he expects someone to walk through.
It takes him a few minutes to get comfortable enough to look away, and a few more to get used to Kotone’s presence at his side. She glances up at him, her hair falling in such a way as to graze his arm. She doesn’t want to be the first one to speak, but it’s quickly becoming apparent she has to be. Shinjiro is staring off again, his eyes a hundred kilometers away. She takes a breath, readying herself to-
“Tomorrow is Miki’s birthday, too.” Shinjiro’s eyes find Kotone’s, his face stuck in a grimace. “...She used to call Aki her twin ‘cause of that. Imagine it; this tiny little girl, not even old enough for school, calling a trouble-making seven year old her twin.” Shinjiro chuckles wryly, no hint of mirth on his face.
Kotone leans in, resting her head on Shinjiro’s shoulder. He doesn’t pull away like she half expects him to. If anything, he relaxes, a sigh escaping his lips from a breath she didn’t know he was holding.
"That cake recipe... I only ever made it once before. I think I found it in some old magazine?" Shinjiro waves his hand dismissively. "Whatever. Doesn't matter. I got all the money together I could, bought the ingredients, snuck into the kitchen at night, and made the best damn cake those three orphans had ever seen." Shinjiro grits his teeth, a familiar pained expression passing across his face. "...That was her last birthday. And the last he celebrated. But I don’t want his birthdays to always be like that. Those memories were good memories; she wouldn’t want him to lose them.” Shinjiro's grimace gives way, a neutral expression finally breaking through as he glances down at Kotone, her eyes waiting for his. “...And I think we could all use some good memories.”
“...Why’d you invite me to help, Shinji?” Kotone finally asks the question that’s been on her mind this entire evening. He certainly didn’t need her help, and if anyone would be chomping at the bit to bake something with him, it’d be Fuuka. At the very least, it should be the three of them. So… why her?
“...I wanted to…” Shinjiro shifts in place, looking as if he was going to glance away again, eyes dangerously floating away from hers… but they return sharply. Quickly. “Did you enjoy yourself?”
“Huh?” Kotone blinks in surprise at the sudden turnabout. “Of course I-”
“...You’ve had a lot of stuff on your mind lately, right?” Shinjiro's eyes do not yield to Kotone’s gaze, holding it steady. “It was like you were… elsewhere, when we were baking. I wanted to… give you something fun to do. To… remember. To have fun with.”
“I…” Kotone is the one to glance away now, unable to keep eye contact with Shinjiro. She settles her eyes on a jacket, resting lazily across the back of the chair across from them. Junpei’s, if she recognizes it correctly. “I think I enjoyed it...”
“You think so?”
Shinjiro’s words make Kotone cringe. She can’t tell how accusatory they are anymore; there was no bite that she could tell. But she’s looking for it, any sign of disappointment, and the more she thinks about it, the less sure she is. She pulls away, and Shinjiro does not pursue. She puts a bit of space between herself and him, folding her hands into her lap.
“It’s… It’s hard to tell, sometimes. If… If I’m doing okay.” Every alarm bell in Kotone’s head is screaming at her not to continue, to cut this conversation short. This is what she doesn’t talk about, this is what she shouldn’t talk about. This is what scares away her friends, her foster parents, her teachers. Her words taste bitter on her tongue, catching on the back of it and weighing it down with every syllable. “I-I’m supposed to be, though. So… It’s easier i-if I just… do. Even if… I don’t.”
She doesn’t look at Shinjiro. Doesn’t know what to expect from him. Pity, maybe? A well-meaning and off-base apology? It doesn’t really matter. She feels him shift beside her on the couch, and a part of her is convinced he’s standing to leave.
That part of her is thrown far, far from her mind, as Shinjiro reaches out and takes her hand in his. “I get it.”
“You…?” Kotone glances up at Shinjiro, his expression neutral but his eyes full of knowing. His hand is cold; a coldness that's presence in Shinjiro’s pocket clearly could not banish. She reaches out with her other hand, clasping his between hers. “...I’m glad you have Akihiko-senpai… I’m glad he has you. Going through it all alone, it's… i-it’s…”
“Hey.” He smiles slightly, a victory in its own right. “...If there’s one thing I know, it's that you are not alone. You’ve got good friends, you’ve got Mitsuru looking out for you…” He chuckles a bit, shaking his head. “And even if he’s a bit of a crybaby, you’ve got Aki too.”
Kotone pulls Shinji’s hand closer, holding it against her chest. She sits up, pulling her knees onto the couch. “What about you?”
“Huh?” A flash of pain crosses his face as Kotone’s words reach Shinji. He glances away. “You shouldn’t-”
But she reaches out. One hand holds his to her chest, while the other finds his cheek, lightly tugging to pull his eyes back to her. “Do I have you?”
“Shiomi…” Shinjiro starts to speak, but Kotone just shakes her head in response.
“Kotone.” She whispers her name, her vision filled only with Shinjiro, just as she’s sure his is only filled with her. “...You should call me Kotone.”
She isn’t sure what's come over her. Maybe it’s her own scattered feelings, maybe the mood just demands it. But she wants to be closer to Shinjiro; wants him to know it. The feeling of dread has burned away, if only for a moment, leaving only a fluttering in her stomach and her heart desperately calling for something that is right in front of her.
“Kotone…” Shinjiro doesn’t pull away, and thus her worst fear is banished. He sits up a bit, prompting Kotone to sit up on her knees on the couch to meet his eyes, level with one another. “Do you… Do you want me to k-”
Lips meet, Kotone leaning forward and into his embrace. She pushes into him, and he does not push back. Far from it; he pulls her in instead, his arms wrapping around her with the intensity of a man lost at sea to his raft in a storm. Like at any moment she could be swept away from him. She could feel his stubble brush against her lips, smell the scent of icing in his hair. She reaches up, finding the back of his head and pulling him closer…
“Yo! Anybody ho-” Junpei’s voice echoes through the room, filling Kotone’s ears. Her eyes shoot open, just as Shinjiro's does, and they stare in panic at one another, their lips releasing with a panicked sigh.
Kotone tilts her head, looking past Shinjiro, just as the front door clicks closed again, no one to be seen. Shinjiro does not turn around, closing his eyes and sighing exasperatedly. A smile begins to grow on his face, and Kotone can’t help but giggle in response.
“Guess we picked a bad place to do this, huh?” Kotone bumps her forehead lightly against Shinji’s, closing her own eyes as well. “Maybe we should have gone to my room after all…”
“Sorry…” Shinjiro’s face warms considerably, and she opens her eyes to find a deep red blush. “You… You can tell him I kissed you. I don’t want you to-”
“Like hell!” Kotone laughs, crisp and loud. The feeling in her chest, the dancing of butterflies, does not dissipate, even with the air between the two cleared. “I don’t think he’d believe that anyway. I was… kind of climbing on you…”
“Uh.” Shinjiro shakes his head, trying to stand up from the couch, even as Kotone clings to his arm. “We should probably… go finish the cake. It needs to go in the fridge, and I don’t need Aki finding it.”
“Hold on a second…!” Kotone tugs a few times on Shinjiro’s arm, and he relents, falling back onto the couch. “I want to say something first…” She clears her throat, her knees sliding out from under her so she is level with Shinjiro again. “I… that made me very happy. Did… Did it make you happy?”
“I…” Shinjiro clears his throat, the blush not leaving his face. “...It did. But-”
“Nuh-uh! No ‘buts’ right now.” Kotone holds a finger to Shinjiro’s lips, and he quiets instantly. She smiles, leaning in closer. “I’m glad… I’m glad I could be a good memory for you, then. And that you get to be one… for me.”
He says nothing to this, his face a mixture of so many different emotions. Happiness, awe, anxiety. Even hints of sadness that disappear as he gives a small smile. She leans in, planting a small, chaste kiss on his lips. A promise for more, sooner and later, into the future.
Happy memories for them to share, and all the future to share it.