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Sam: “'Going out' being the operative phrase.”
Dean: “Sorry.”
Sam: “'Sorry.' How sorry are you? Sorry that you fight to keep Donatello alive, but when it comes to you, you just throw in the towel? Or are you sorry that, after all these years, our entire lives, a-after I've looked up to you, after I've learned from you. I've copied you, I followed you to Hell and back, are you sorry that all of that it means nothing now?”
Dean: “Who's saying that?”
Sam: “You are, when you tell me I have to kill you. When you're telling me I have to just throw away everything we stand for, throw away faith, throw away family. We're the guys who save the world. We don't just check out of it!”
Dean: “Sam, I have tried everything. Everything! I got one card left to play, and I have to play it.”
Sam: “You have one card today! But we'll find another tomorrow. But if you quit on us today, there won't be no tomorrow! You tell me, uh, you don't know what else to do. I don't either, Dean. Not yet. But what you're doing now, it's wrong! It's quitting! I mean l-look what just happened. Donatello never quit fighting. So we could help him because he never gave up. I believe in us, Dean. I believe in us. Why don't you believe in us, too?”
Dean: “Okay, Sam. Let's go home.”
It was only after he had caught Sam’s punch and he had broken down in his arms that Dean finally understood that his brother was at his breaking point and needed him. He stood there with Sam until Cas came out of the nursing home and they made the journey back to the bunker.
The ride back was silent and for once, Dean did not reach to turn on the radio. Instead, he kept sneaking glances at Sam and Cas. All of them were still processing the day they had had and how Dean had tried to off himself to save the world. It seemed that either he or his brother were always doing that and to be honest - both of them were getting tired of being ripped apart from the other. Glancing in the rearview mirror, he noticed that Cas was silently glaring and then looking at Sam he saw that his brother had a faraway look in his eyes.
He finally pulled into the underground part of the bunker and parked, Cas and Sam immediately got out. He watched as Sam made his way inside without a word. Cas looked over at him, “I’m going to give you some time. Your brother needs you, right now. I’m going to go check on Mary and see how she is doing.” With that and a flutter of his wings he was gone. Dean made his way inside, “Sam?” he called. Only silence met him, so he tried again, “Sammy?”
When no reply was given, he walked through the bunker until he got to Sam’s room and found the door closed. Taking that as his cue that Sam wanted to be left alone he went to his room and laid down. Everything was quiet until he heard footsteps coming down the hall and a tall figure appeared at his door, “Sam, is everything okay?”
His brother looked away and then turned and started walking back the way he came. By that point, Dean had had enough, “Sam!” When no reply came, he got up and followed Sam back to his room. His brother turned towards him, not having expected this, “Dean, everything is fine. I just needed to check on you.” Without another word, Dean walked over and sat down at Sam’s desk and waited. Sure enough, Sam went and sat down on the bed facing towards him.
“You were checking on me to make sure that I hadn’t left again.”
“Why wouldn’t I be? My brother just tried to -. Do you know what the bad part is? I get why you were doing it. I’ve been there with the trials. I wanted to save everyone else and you - you stopped me like I stopped you.” Sitting their, Dean knew his brother was right and thought back to that day:
Sam: “You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down. I can't do that again.”
Dean: “Sam –”
Sam: “What happens when you've decided I can't be trusted again? I mean, who are you gonna turn to next time instead of me? Another angel, another -- another vampire? Do you have any idea what it feels like to watch your brother just –”
Dean: “Hold on, hold on! You seriously think that? Because none of it -- none of it -- is true. Listen, man, I know we've had our disagreements, okay? Hell, I know I've said some junk that set you back on your heels. But, Sammy... come on. I killed Benny to save you. I'm willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. Don't you dare think that there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you! It has never been like that, ever! I need you to see that. I'm begging you.”
“I couldn’t let you die. I need you, Dean. You are the person that has always been there. I get you’re tired. Hell, I am too - I can’t go through losing you again. So, don’t ask me to do what you couldn't let me do in that church.” Sam's voice drifted out after that and hazel eyes met green. Dean got up, walked over towards him and pulled him into a hug. When he pulled back, he tugged Sam up and pulled down the covers. Pushing Sam down, he waited until his brother had laid down. Walking over to the other side of the bed he climbed in and pulled the blankets over both of them.
“Dude what are you doing? You don’t have to stay here.”
“Sam, shut up and go to sleep.”
“Don’t think I will be able to just yet.”
He turned over on his side and faced Sam, “You’re worried I’ll leave and you won’t get to me in time. So, I’m going to ask you this one time - what can I do?”
In response, his brother moved over and pushed Dean onto his back and proceeded to curl up on top of his chest, “Just let me stay here for tonight. I need to know you’re here.”
Of all the things that could have come out of his mouth, Dean had not expected such a direct answer and his only reply was to pull him closer, “I’ve got you. I’m right here. Get some rest, Sammy.” It took a while, but Sam slowly started to go limp in his hold. While laying there, he stroked Sam’s hair and he was soon asleep himself.
When he woke in the morning, Sam had rolled over to where he was on his stomach with his head buried in the pillow. Getting up, he slowly made his way to the bathroom and then went to get his phone to text Cas:
We had a rough night. I think we need to get a fresh start tomorrow
….
I agree. I’m going to stay here with Mary. Take care of yourself and Sam. I get the sense that he is in more pain than he is letting on.
With that, he put his phone down and headed to the kitchen where he filled a tray with coffee and toast for them both. Carefully balancing their breakfast he made his way back to Sam’s room to find his brother sitting up and looking spooked. Making his way over to the desk, he placed the tray down and wordlessly handed over Sam’s portion before sitting down and digging into his own. After a few moments that were filled with the sound of them munching, he decided to break the silence, “Listen, we need to talk about something.”
“Before you say anything, I’m sorry about last night,” he replied while taking a sip of his coffee to avoid looking Dean in the eye.
It was only when he had finished and looked up at Dean that he was met with a reply, “You did nothing wrong last night. You’re my brother and if you need me - I would do anything for you. What I wanted to tell you is that I talked to Cas and we’ve decided that we all need the day off to process everything.”
Sam shook his head, “I can still look into the lore.”
“No, we need to take a minute. I’m not saying we are giving up, but I am saying that we need a day just for us.”
“Dean, I can’t fail again - not after you went to hell and not after last night. I have to keep going.”
“Sam, you didn’t fail me. You did everything you could to save me and that is all I could ever expect of you. We will get through this together. Not by you working yourself into the ground - and yes, I’ve noticed,” he added at his brother's bitchy expression, “But by working together.”
“I haven’t been working myself into the ground,” he said, his tone turning defensive.
“When is the last time you slept - not including last night? You’ve barely been eating. You have had a lot going on - we both have. Just for today, take a break. Trust us, that we will work as a team to get through this.”
Something about Dean’s tone calmed him and begrudgingly he replied,“Okay, just for today.”
Dean smiled and added,“Good, now what do you think about getting some more sleep?”
Sam nodded and with that Dean gathered their dirty dishes and took them to the kitchen. Soon, he returned and placed two bottles of water on the desk and joined his brother. Sure enough after a few minutes, Sam was asleep again. He laid awake for a while, but eventually let sleep claim him. He was sleeping peacefully until a whimper woke him up and he saw Sam grimacing in his sleep. Pulling his brother closer to him, “Shh,Sammy. I’m right here.”
Sam immediately pulled away and turned over to where his brother couldn’t see his face. Slowly, he reached over and pulled his brother back into his arms. As expected, Sam struggled, “Dean. Let me go.”
“Not this time. I’m done letting you beat yourself up.”
“Seriously, let me go,” he panted as he struggled to free himself.
“No.”
Sam kept struggling, but he held firm. After tiring himself out, Sam settled. “Are you done?”
“You’re really not letting go are you? Why?” he asked, relaxing back in his brother's hold.
“Because you’re hurting and I can’t stand the thought of you hurting so bad again that you turn to something else over me.”
“I didn’t -”
“You did in the past.”
And that seemed to draw his brother up short. He became more tense,“You were dead Dean and I - I had to find a way to move on. I made a mistake with Ruby and I regret that everyday. Especially after what you said in your voicemail. I can never fix that.”
“I meant it.”
“I know you meant - that I - I am a monster.”
“Sam, I never said that.”
Without a word, Sam leaned up just enough to grab something out of his night stand drawer. It turned out to be an old flip phone that he opened and dialed the voicemail to. Then, an angry voice filled the room - his own voice and he was filled with horror as he listened: "Listen to me you blood-sucking freak. Dad always said I'd either have to save you or kill you. Well, I'm giving you fair warning. I'm done trying to save you. You're a monster, Sam, a vampire. You're not you anymore. And there's no going back."
“Sam, that is not the voicemail that I left for you.”
“It’s your voice.”
“Wait here,” he left and went to his room and proceeded to dig through his own bedside drawer until he came across a flip phone identical to the one in Sam’s room. Gripping it in his hand, he made his way back to his brother's room and sat down next to his brother. He dialed his own voicemail and played it: “Hey, it's me. Uh... Look, I'll just get right to it. I'm still pissed... and I owe you a serious beatdown. But... I shouldn't have said what I said. You know, I'm not Dad. We're brothers. You know, we're family. And, uh... no matter how bad it gets, that doesn't change. Sammy, I'm sorry.”
Sam looked at the dates on the phone and noticed they were identical,“So, you never sent that other message?”
“No. Zachariah said I wouldn’t be able to reach you when they had me, but I decided to try anyway. They must’ve done something to it. I’m sorry you spent so long believing that I wanted you dead.”
Shaking his head, Sam replied, “I truly thought you were going to kill me that night and that there was no point in trying to stop because you hated me. I broke the last seal so I deserve to die. I deserved the cage.”
“Sam-”
“I almost destroyed the world, Dean!”
“Sam, look at me.” Once Sam had he continued, “You did not know what was going to happen and you were not the first person that broke a seal. I broke the first one in Hell. We can literally sit here and go back and forth on who is to blame all day - but it won’t change a damn thing. You do not deserve to die and you damn well don’t deserve that cage or what it’s done to you.”
“You didn’t deserve hell either and I felt powerless when you went.That’s why I did what I did with Ruby. It made me feel in control of something.I’m not saying it was right, but that was why.” He went silent and looked at Dean.
“I know. I was angry that I wasn’t there to prevent it. I swore to look after you and it felt like I had failed.”
“Dean, look at me,” he commanded as his brother had looked away, “You didn’t fail me. You saved me. You have always been there and that means more than anything.” Reaching out he pulled Dean into a hug and after a minute, it was returned. They came out of the embrace and sat there for a few minutes.
Getting up, Dean made his way to the door and turned, “What do you say we get some snacks and watch a movie in my room for the rest of today?”
Smiling, Sam got up and followed Dean out leaving the pain behind them to be able to enjoy the moment together.