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It was a chilly Friday night in October, and Simon was massaging Wille’s feet like usual while they relaxed on the couch, Wille's long legs stretched out. It calmed Wille’s anxiety, and he simply loved being close to his best friend, feeling Simon’s practiced hands on his rough skin. But in three years it had never gone further than foot-rubs or embraces, unfortunately.
Wille had let Simon pick the movie. Usually, they watched a lighthearted flick, something superhero-related, or horror. But tonight they delved into the gay love story Call Me By Your Name with one of Wille’s favorite actors, Timothée Chalamet. It was heart-wrenching with a sad ending, and as the credits rolled, Wille could feel tears welling up in his eyes. But he hastily blinked them away and nudged Simon with his foot.
“Hey roomie, ready to turn in?”
Simon was quiet for a moment. “We’re more than just roommates,” he offered, looking down while picking at the hem of Wille’s jeans.
Much more than that , Wille wished was true. Even so, he decided on the safer response, “Yeah, we’re best friends,” and smiled tentatively at his friend. But instead of Simon smiling back at him, like usual when they bantered, he briefly looked at Wille with a pained expression, his lower lip starting to tremble. Wille immediately felt awful, and sat up to put his arm around Simon. What had he done wrong now, Wille thought?
Then his poor, sweet friend started to cry. So Wille held him. Now, he had held Simon before, when Micke didn’t come to their graduation at Hillerska. And when Sara had fallen off Rousseau, and spent the night in the hospital. Wille had held his best friend tightly while he cried. Wille remembered Simon’s beautiful tears wetting the collar of his white Oxford shirt at graduation, and streaming down his royal blue hoodie after he rushed to meet him at the hospital. But for some reason this felt different, like Wille had done something.
“What’s the matter, Simon?” Wille asked gently, worry creeping in.
“I love you,” Simon wept, turning towards his best friend. “More than anything!” Then surprisingly, Simon put his hand lightly on Wille’s cheek, touching it for the very first time.
Wille couldn’t believe what was happening. Did Simon feel the same as he did, in love ? Surely, Simon just meant in a friend way? Wille couldn’t help but close his eyes at Simon’s touch and lean his freckled cheek against his friend’s warm hand. Then his eyes flew open, and the way Simon looked at him made his breath hitch. Wille stared back, gazing into his best friend’s chocolate brown eyes. Simon’s face came closer, and he leaned forward and gave Wille a quick gentle kiss on the lips.
Wille immediately went into shock and pulled back, Simon’s hand dropping from where it cupped Wille’s face. He felt blindsided, awkward. “I, uh, Simon, umm…” he trailed off, looking away.
When he met Simon’s eyes again, Simon looked hurt and turned away, not wanting to look at Wille. He stood up from the couch, shaking himself from Wille’s embrace, the tears forming again. “Never mind, Wille”, he said brokenly.
Poor Wille. Why did he always have to screw things up? He just needed a moment to catch his breath, to still the rattling of his heart in his chest. So like he had learned from Boris, he closed his eyes and took several deep breaths to ground himself until he felt calmness returning.
He knew he couldn’t let Simon get away; this could be his only shot at having his friend like he’d always wished. Opening his eyes, he grasped Simon’s hand, and pulled himself up to face him. Wille intertwined their hands, his amber eyes looking deeply into his friend’s. Simon’s angelic face shone with tears, and then they were both crying.
“Simon”, Wille murmured while he cupped Simon’s face. “ Älskling , I love you , more than anything.” Then he leaned in and returned the kiss. It was warm and soft, and oh so right .
When he pulled back slightly, Simon was finally smiling at him, thank God. “Wille…”
“It’s Ok, Simon. I’m glad you told me. I wanted to tell you, but…” he trailed off, looking away momentarily, trying to get his words together.
“You didn’t want to mess up our friendship,” Simon finished for him.
Wille took another deep breath and looked at his friend. “Yeah, I didn’t want to lose you. Because even if we can’t be together, together, just having you in my life is truly the biggest gift I have ever been given.”
Simon looked up at Wille through dark eyelashes and said quietly, “Wille, we can be together.” This made the corners of Wille’s mouth tremble and then turn upwards into a grin.
They stood there with both hands intertwined, staring at each other for what felt like an eternity. Then their foreheads touched and they breathed each other in. Here they were, together . And it made Wille’s heart swell with all the love In the world for his best friend - his love - Simon Eriksson .