Chapter Text
“I don’t know if I should congratulate you or send you back to California Mars. Interns push paper, they summarize information for the real agents. Interns are not supposed to follow up on leads on their own!” Veronica looked up at Blake, the chief of her assigned unit, from her tiny cubicle. He was a greying man in his mid-60s ,still fairly in shape unlike most other unit chiefs she’s met. The way he looked at her made her feel like a 5th grader caught trying to make the F on her test look like an A.
“Yea, I was just doing a little follow-up and it turned out following a trail sometimes leads to the answer.” She gave her best innocent expression. He gave her a hard look but his jaw twitched into a smile when he turned to walk away leaving her be. And really it was an accident, she was following up on some shell companies of an embezzlement case when she found the trail leading back to a low level politician and some drug pushers. She didn’t exactly go looking for trouble, it just sort of always found her. Or maybe she was just subconsciously drawn to it after years of being Neptune’s go to girl when someone had a problem. Thinking back she can barely remember a time when she wasn’t neck deep in surveillance and illegal activities. A time before her best friend died, before close to a quarter of her classmates were killed. A time when her dad was a sheriff instead of a PI, and she spent too many afternoons at the precinct crushing on the new deputy. The deputy who went out of his way to make pre-teen Veronica smile instead of the asshole sheriff who spent his time making her clench her teeth in anger.
Summer between junior and senior year and Veronica managed to land an internship with the FBI white collar division in DC. She was top in all her criminology classes, managed to get back on the newspaper staff and maintained her side business as well as helping her dad occasionally. Everything was going to plan and her future looked brighter than ever. One more year of school then law school and back to the FBI. Or maybe by then she will want to go back to private practice or the FBI will blacklist her after this summer and take the option away.
She wasn’t sure when it happened but she was becoming progressively disillusioned with the investigative life. When all you see is cheating spouses, corrupt politicians, and your everyday law breaker it’s sometimes hard to remember the whole world isn’t some bleak hellscape of disappointment. Sadly, she was really good at her job and the better she got the deeper she was pulled in. Thoughts of changing paths hit her, when she’s alone in her room, no friends or pressing cases to distract her, she thinks about giving it all up. She’s still young, she could change. But change to what? This is all she knows and she does make a difference. So she buries those thoughts back down and moves on with her life.
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Julie, Veronica’s unofficial mentor, catches her coming back from a coffee break. “Mars, good initiative on the Harrison case, even if the boss reamed you for it. I want you with me and Anders on this cartel case we’ve got. I think we’re close to the smoking gun and you’re just the intern to help us find it.”
“Blake wasn’t too hard on me surprisingly. So what can I do to help?” Veronica smiles up at Julie just in time to see Anders coming up and dumping 10lbs of files in her arms.
“Bank records of accounts in the suspect’s name, or any aliases and family members that we can find. We think there has to be some transaction in there we are missing that will lead us to how they are paying their suppliers. Look for any suspicious name no matter how small the transaction and follow up on it.” Anders orders.
“Bank records, my favorite!” Veronica rolls her eyes but smiles at the team as she hefts to files to her desk and opens the top one, settling in for a long night.
Two days later Veronica has went over all the records with a fine tooth comb. After following up on any odd transactions there’s only one vendor name left that could possibly lead anywhere, HeavyProp LLC. The transactions are small and only occur 5 times in the 4 years of records she has but HeavyProp LLC is buried under so many fake names and companies even she couldn’t track them. The amounts are chump change and she wouldn’t normally even notice but it’s the only lead they have so she brings it to Julia who gives her a pat in the back and promises to have the analysts look into it.
“Come on Veronica, it’s been a long week I think we both deserve some relaxation and I know just the place.” Julie grabs her arm before she has time to protest, barely managing to hit the lock button on her laptop as she’s pulled toward the elevators.
Julie is one of the younger agents on the floor, in her late 20’s she joined right after graduating Georgetown. While she wasn’t exactly assigned to Veronica she quickly took the blond intern under her wing giving her the details on everyone else and the office politics. Anders, Julie’s partner, is also young looking to be in his early 30’s and seems nice enough but other than them, the remaining agents are mostly men in their late 40’s to early 50’s. Veronica counts herself lucky to have Julie, she at least has someone to hang out with after work even though many nights she would rather just go back to her apartment and curl up in front of the tv.
Julie’s idea of relaxation unsurprisingly turns out to be a small bar with live music and a small dance floor surrounded by booths and tables. The place isn’t very crowded since it’s so early but the band is already playing some 80’s and 90’s pop hits. They grab a high top table off to the side by themselves after ordering a couple beers at the bar. Veronica really hopes it’ll be a short night, she’s not been feeling very sociable lately and tonight is no exception.
“Good work on that case Veronica. They said you’re background was impressive but you’ve done more as an intern than many actual agents did their first couple of years. You really have a sixth sense for this kind of work.” Julie complimented her.
“Thanks, you know you do a job for so long you eventually get good.” Veronica tried to deflect the conversation away from work and more importantly her past. Her and Julie have went out before, many times actually during the summer but they tried to stay clear of work once off the clock. Their job already ate up most of their free time so any time outside of work most agents tried to forget it and actually have a life for a few hours.
“Yes, most people get better with practice but you Veronica Mars have the intuition of people much more senior than you or me. You need some refinement in the procedural side but your instincts are better than probably 75% of the agents in the office myself included. How’d that happen?” Veronica gave her an ‘are you really gonna go there?’ look.
“Fine, so of course I read your file. Solving a murder at 17, not just any murder but a high profile case that was already marked closed, well impressive doesn’t even begin to describe it. I understand you were motivated, if someone killed a person I loved I would be too, but even actual law enforcement with resources didn’t find what you found. I’m sorry that happened to you Veronica. I don’t know if this was a path you were always on or if that event was a catalyst for you but you really are the most promising recruit I’ve met.”
Veronica tried to plaster on a thankful face. Julie wasn’t telling her anything she hadn’t already heard, which was kind of sad when you think about how impressed people are with someone who just became fully legal a few months ago. She really wished Julie would make her point though so she could change the topic or better yet leave.
“You’ve got two more weeks here before you go back to California and I hope it’s a good and productive two weeks. I hope we keep in touch and you feel like you can lean on me Veronica. I want you to be happy, and of course the FBI or any agency would be lucky to have you; but are you happy?
I’ve noticed you don’t seem thrilled with the job, not like a student intern who gets to work their dream job should. Most people don’t become disillusioned until after a few years on the force. I just want you to know I support you whether you become an agent or not. You can talk to me if you’re struggling, we all struggle with burnout and I don’t want to see someone so young torpedo their career before it even starts. If this isn’t the job for you any longer there’s no shame in making a change. You’re young you haven’t even finished undergrad, you have plenty of time Veronica.”
Veronica was stunned at Julie’s observations. Sure she was feeling burnt out with the job but still she knew how prestigious her internship was and how lucky she was to have gotten it. She thought she was putting on the excited intern face everyday but something must’ve slipped for Julie to notice. She just hoped the others weren’t as observant of the lowly intern. Julie’s offer was kind, it was nice words of encouragement and hope and it would be a lie to say Veronica hadn’t thought of just giving it all up. But too many people needed her help, too many people expected her to take this path and how much of a waste would it be if she didn’t use her talents to help people?
Veronica used to think herself a good person, like her dad. Her dad was sheriff because he wanted to help. Hell even as a PI she knew he could’ve solved a lot of their money problems if he actually charged people the going rate instead of the sob story discount rate they usually ended up paying. Veronica was always a little less sympathetic with her clients, unless it dealt with animals, then she would hunt those bastards down for free. Of course, she was a broke student and needed some cash to get by, but maybe a good person would be more altruistic. A good person would use their talents instead of wasting them because they didn’t feel like doing it anymore, yet that was exactly what she was thinking of doing.
After that the conversation turned to less depressing topics. Julie laughed about her days at the academy and a particularly annoying prank one of her cohort played on her, changing all of her clocks forward and even getting a ladder and shining a spotlight into the room at 3 AM to make her think she was late to PT. Veronica shared some of her own including some stories about her old principle Clemmons and how much a pain in his side she was. Veronica finally made it home around 2AM stumbling out of the taxi and passing out as soon as her body hit the bed.
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The days passed a little faster after her night out with Julie. Everyone was busy and Julie and Anders case was getting closer to finding a lead. Two days before the end of her internship Julie came running to her cubicle with a huge smile on her face. “How would you like to end the summer with a bang?” she exclaimed.
“Depends on what kind.” Veronica smirked at her.
“IT tracked the cartel money, good job on finding that shell company, it led back to a warehouse near some known storage facilities. We’ve managed to find some names and are going to pick up a few persons of interest tomorrow. While you can’t leave the van I did manage to get permission from Blake to let you ride along if you’re up for it.”
Finally, something actually outside of the stuffy office. Some real life FBI work, Veronica wasn’t going to turn that down. She smiled, “count me in!”
The next day she met Julie and Anders along with two other agents in the parking garage. The pick up was expected to go smoothly, it was a fairly public place and since it was mostly for questioning, they didn’t have enough to make an arrest stick, they assumed the members would come easily and wait for their high priced lawyers. Once loaded up everyone with bullet proof vests just as a precaution they headed toward the house of one of the members. It wasn’t a long drive, about half an hour before they pulled up to a normal looking neighborhood around 10AM.
“Alright Mars, you know the drill. Stay here don’t open the door. Agent Fields will remain in the drivers seat in case we need to get out of here quick. The rest of us will go apprehend the lowlifes.” Anders ordered her but behind him Veronica saw Julie give her a smile.
Veronica watched as the team made entry into the building, so far so good. Within 5 minutes Anders was walking out the suspect in cuffs with Julie in front and the rest of the team behind. Veronica watched as Anders put the man in the car behind them and had scooted back over in anticipation of Julie hopping in when a loud BANG was heard and the team outside all dropped to the ground or ran for cover. Within just a second, an apparently missed second person had appeared firing at the team but one of the older men, Veronica did not catch his name had quickly returned fire and the suspect was down.
Veronica was fighting to get out and check on Julie but the driver kept the doors locked telling her to stay out of trouble. She felt helpless looking out the bullet proof windows but was relieved when she saw Julie and the rest of the team stand up. Hopefully that meant even if someone was hit it wasn’t serious. Once everything was took stock of and the team went back in the house to truly clear it Julie returned to the car and gave Veronica a quick hug.
“You ok Mars?” she asked.
“Me?! I was perfectly fine stuck in this fortress. Are you ok? The rest of the team?” Veronica rushed out.
“We’re fine. Jackson barely got clipped and no one else was hurt. The other car is taking the suspect in, the bus took Jackson and the shooter. We’re heading back to the office to be debriefed. I’m so sorry this happened, I swear nothing about this pickup raised flags. I never would have put you in danger Veronica.” Julie was so worried about Veronica, Veronica had to bite back a laugh. She was always in danger and was more worried about the people outside the car than herself.
Back at the office Veronica was quickly debriefed by Blake and checked over. She was then ordered to hand in her laptop and ID badge because her internship was officially over. Some quick goodbyes and she shared a looked with Julie who was probably about to get reamed by Blake for endangering the student. Veronica hated the quick exit she made. Although, those agents that actually talked to her had already taken her out for drinks the weekend before, she had only been back Monday to wrap up the administrative things and go on this case with Julie. Still she hated the idea that Julie was getting in trouble when everything had been cleared beforehand and it’s not like Veronica wasn’t always in danger.
Veronica had already packed most of her things and had handed over the keys to her apartment now she was spending her last night in a hotel near the airport for her flight tomorrow morning. Julie had texted her that she wouldn’t be able to come out for one last hurrah and for Veronica to stay in touch. Secretly, Veronica was happy she missed a last night out with her mentor. Julie was great but Veronica wasn’t feeling up for either dealing with Julie’s unnecessary apologies or another heart to heart. She just wanted to wallow in her melancholy before heading back to Neptune and the real world.
Around midnight she gave up trying to sleep, a little too depressed to be alone with her thoughts for the next five hours. She made her way downstairs, the hotel had a bar and hopefully it was still open. Veronica’s luck held as she spotted a few others in the bar area, she grabbed a seat towards the end by herself and ordered a jack and coke, definitely not her usual but it seemed right for the circumstances. About 3 drinks in though, her self-wallowing was interrupted when an older lady with obviously no self awareness ignored the rest of the empty seating area and sat right next to Veronica.
The women looked ancient, ok maybe not ancient but perhaps 70’s or 80’s, much to old to be in a hotel bar past 1AM. The age may explain her lack of self awareness and choosing a seat next to the only other woman in the bar despite it being almost completely empty.
“Going home, or leaving home?” It took a minute for Veronica to process the lady was addressing her. Strong drinks, no dinner and little sleep made her a little bit slower than normal.
“Going home.” Short and sweet and hopefully cutting off any threat of awkward conversations with a stranger in a bar.
“Ahh, it’s always such a relief to arrive home after a long time away. But sometimes we need time away from our comforts to really discover ourselves.” The old woman smiled at her. “Were you gone long dear? You seem too young to be leaving home just yet, but everyone looks like babies to me.”
“I did a summer internship so it’s been two months.” Once again short sweet and to the point. Take the hint lady.
“Well congratulations! I’m sure you did great and have such a bright future ahead of yourself. I remember when I was young, I felt like I had the whole world in front of me and I could do anything. I was so passionate and sure of myself. I did reach most of my goals. I grew a successful company and did very well money-wise if I do say so. Although in the end I realized too late those goals left me feeling a little hollow. Still, it’s been an interesting time on this Earth. I’ve enjoyed it. What about you darling, was the internship everything you hope it would be?”
This lady really wasn’t getting it. Lucky for her and unlucky for Veronica, Veronica was now just drunk enough to indulge in sharing her misery with a stranger in a bar. How cliche.
“No it wasn’t.” Veronica hung her head. “I don’t think I want to do this anymore.” On a whisper “I don’t think I can do this anymore?” The old lady placed her hand on Veronica’s shoulder, a comfortable weight grounding her as she fought the tears that came with saying out loud what she had suspected all summer.
“You’re young darling, you have time.”
“Do I?”
“Oh sweetie. What happened? Was this really your dream or where you following someone else’s? I know kids now a days feel so pressured, you must’ve had a reason for coming here this summer.”
“I don’t know. I thought it was my idea, my dream. I did used to enjoy it, and I’m really good at it. Now though, I don’t know. I don’t know if it was my dream or if I just got so caught up in everything that I thought it was my dream. I never planned this, I just couldn’t sit by though while people were hurt.” Tears were silently streaming down Veronica’s cheeks. The old lady rubbed her shoulder in a rhythmic circle.
“We don’t always know what path we should take, if we did life would be boring. So you thought this career was what you wanted, and now you do not. What changed?” the lady prodded.
“I don’t … ” Veronica trailed off
“Then when did it change?”
Veronica looked up through tear stained eyes. The weight, the words she never said out loud even to herself was on her lips, but could she say them. Here on the other side of the country with this stranger she would never see again. Who would probably forget Veronica by tomorrow as they both go their separate ways. Maybe if she said it out loud, just this once it won’t hurt so much.
“It changed over a year ago. It changed when he died.” She took a steadying breath. “I hated him. He was my first crush, my pre-teen dream and then he became my teenage nightmare. He used to protect me and then he hurt me and I hated him for that. I dreaded anytime I had to use him for work, he wasn’t safe anymore. I wished he would leave, that I would never have to see his stupid face again. Then he did. Permanently.
It turns out I didn’t hate him, at least not as much as I thought I did. Having to do this job without him isn’t the same. It isn’t fun anymore. It’s all the bad parts, and it just keeps piling on. No end in sight, no break or victory.” An endless stream of tears were falling down Veronica’s face and at some point she had leaned into the old lady. She tried to stop the waterfalls and slowly pulled back to her own bar stool, unable to look anywhere but the now empty glass.
“Life is like that sometimes. I takes losing something to appreciate it, but loss can also cause rose colored glasses. You must’ve disliked this man for a reason Veronica”
“Yea, I did. He broke my trust in possibly the cruelest way. But, sometime in this last year I forgave him. I don’t know when or why but those last few months our conversations leaned more toward bantering frenemies than fighting on opposite sides of a war. He was still an ass, but sometimes … sometimes it felt like he was my old Deputy.”
“Even though he betrayed you? He put you at risk?” If Veronica was a little more sober she may have noticed the shift in tone, but she was barely conscious at this point from the emotional upheaval, no sleep, and numerous hard drinks.
“I just wish I could see him, the real him again.” Veronica’s eyes slipped shut at this declaration.
“Sweet dreams Veronica.”