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Lucius really needed to be paid more if he was expected to both man the counter at this dumb coffee shop and help his two stupid regular customers actually speak to each other for once. Not that the matchmaker thing was technically his job, in fact Jackie had said specifically that it wasn’t, but the annoying blond man was so pathetic and actually kind of funny at times (although usually accidentally) and what could Lucius say? He was a philanthropist.
(He wasn’t sure if that was actually the right word for this but it sounded fancy and Lucius could stand to feel a little fancier.)
The annoying blond was actually called Stede Bonnet, owner and proprietor of Tailor Made, the fancy men’s store down the block. When it had opened two years ago and Stede had started making his mid-morning coffee runs, Lucius had assumed he was a weirdly old intern or something. He was definitely always slightly too awake for the time of day, full of bad jokes and eye twinkles and just the kind of thing that made Lucius want to fling himself into oncoming traffic.
When he found out that he was actually the owner and he got all his employees their preferred drink every morning, on him, well, it was slightly more manageable. Even more so when Stede brought along a very cute guy he’d just hired named Pete with him last year to help carry the roughly five dozen pastries he’d ordered for some sort of open house or something. So if Lucius had gotten Pete’s number (and eventually half of the drawers in his dresser), well, it made it slightly easier to stand the sheer earnest dad-ness of Stede.
And okay, so maybe Lucius couldn’t help but want to help out a baby gay, something he found out about Stede fairly early into their acquaintance. Lucius had made a joke about the store and Stede had been all affronted, saying that just because he was a gay man with a clothing store, his chest all puffed out and face full of righteous fury which was so funny, Lucius finally broke down.
“Stede, if you think I am somehow straight, I need you to tell me right away what’s confusing you so I can change it immediately.”
Stede had backed down after that, slightly embarrassed, admitting he’d only come out six months before and this whole world was new to him. Including, apparently, any concept of gaydar. Which endeared him to Lucius completely against both of their wills.
Ever since, Lucius had been slightly protective of the strange blond with the stupidly fancy suit jackets and the increasingly ridiculous drink orders, as if he were slowly making his way through every possible combination in search of the perfect drink. Even if he was an idiot.
And he was an idiot.
Cause there was this hot beardy guy who’d started coming in a few months after Stede did and those two were totally gone on each other, even if they hadn’t actually ever, you know, spoken.
It made Lucius want to tear out his hair.
Beardy guy’s name was actually Ed and he was some sort of consultant working over at whatever that tech company across the road was. Lucius was too cute to have to understand computers so he just nodded when Ed tried to explain it once and they both understood that that was as much as they were ever going to discuss it. All Lucius took it to mean was that Ed was smart as well as hot so he had that going for him.
Ed usually showed up five minutes or so before Stede, putting in his order and chatting with Lucius for a while before wandering over to wait, which was usually when the blond disaster made his way through the door. It only took a few days for Stede to notice Ed over in the corner; Lucius could tell by the way his eyebrows went all the way to his hairline before he glanced back down at his phone in a way that said ‘I am definitely not trying to distract myself.’
It all would have been good fun if Ed hadn’t wandered over a few days later, on a Friday that Lucius knew Tailor Made was closed for a new sink to be fitted in the bathroom, and asked him what the deal with the hot blond was.
Lucius had just blinked.
“You know,” Ed had continued, awkwardly scratching at the back of his neck like he was embarrassed, “blond guy, my age, usually comes in a little after me and orders a shit load of drinks? Wears the fanciest fucking clothes I’ve ever seen?”
“Stede?!” Lucius had blurted out, at once mystified, impressed, and scandalized. “Stede Bonnet, funny little man who uses the word ‘alas’ seriously?”
“Yeah, him!” Ed grinned in response, pleased to have identified the last person Lucius would have assumed he’d have been interested in. “Stede, what a name. So what’s his deal, kid? He seems to chat with you whenever he comes in.”
“Er, yeah.” He still could not believe this conversation was happening. “He owns that upscale men’s shop down the street, Tailor Made? He comes in every morning to get drinks for his employees. Nice guy, if a little on the goofy side.”
“You wouldn’t happen to know if he’s single, would you?”
Lucius was saved from answering this frankly bizarre question by Jackie’s yell from the backroom.
“I’m not paying you to matchmake, Spriggs! You’ve got a line!”
Which, okay, he did but this was way more interesting.
Ed gave him a slightly apologetic smile and wandered back towards the pick up counter as Lucius did his best to greet the much more boring thirtysomething woman who ordered the most basic drink on the menu and didn’t even bother to give him some juicy gossip to go with it. It was honestly the worst.
When Lucius finally got to dance away for a moment, walking Ed’s drink over to him, he told him with a grin “Stede is single and a fucking trainwreck” to which Ed replied “I bet I could get him back on track” before walking away.
And that should have been it. Good deed done, two geriatrics getting to live happily ever after.
But fucking no.
That was over a year ago and still neither of them had spoken a single word to the other.
Lucius had mostly given it up as not his problem, a very dumb little soap opera he kept the group chat updated on despite its lack of development. And sure, he’d encourage both of them whenever they’d wander up, desperately hoping one would fucking make a move already, but he had relegated himself to watching the slowest meet cute in history from the sidelines.
Until today.
Stede was late, which wasn’t great for anyone involved. The line was longer than normal, Ed was already loitering over by the windows, tapping his toe like he was staying longer than he’d meant to (and he probably had), and if Stede Bonnet didn’t show up in the next ten minutes, Lucius didn’t know what he’d do but whatever it was, Jackie wouldn’t like it.
Lucius was saved from potential unemployment by the arrival of the man of the hour, looking slightly stressed and rubbing his arm while glancing down fervently at the paper he was holding in his other hand. Without even bothering to notice the line, he walked right up to Lucius and held the paper out to him.
“Yes, hi, hello, the hell is this?” Lucius frowned as he took the paper which to all intents and purposes just looked like a receipt.
“I need your opinion.” Stede wouldn’t look him in the eye. “Is it terrible? It’s terrible, isn’t it?”
“That you paid thirty five bucks for a sandwich and a soda? Yeah, that’s highway robbery.”
Stede looked confused for a moment before he grabbed the paper back.
“No, no, not that. The back, look at the back.”
The receipt was shoved back into Lucius’s hand and he flipped it over to discover …. oh, for fuck’s sake.
“Stede Bonnet, is this a poem?”
Stede ran a shaky hand through his hair.
“It’s awful, isn’t it? I knew I shouldn’t have but I don’t know, I couldn’t help it.”
This was insane.
“You wrote a love note. On a receipt.”
“I know, I know. It’s stupid. I don’t even know if he knows my name.”
Lucius just rolled his eyes. If he weren’t already exasperated, he’d tell him that Ed had already had several conversations with him about Stede but since he was getting very done with his shit…
“Stede! Order for Stede!”
Stede looked furious, waving his arms and trying to shush him but Ed definitely looked up from his corner, slightly baffled. Lucius just smirked.
“Think he knows your name now.”
“You are insufferable,” Stede pouted, shoulders hunched. Lucius just laughed and glanced back down at the paper in his hand.
“No man is an island, but two men together can share the world,” he read aloud before glancing back up at Stede. “Stede, what is this?”
“Okay, yeah, it might be a bit flowery but it gets better the longer it goes.”
Lucius gave him a look and Stede huffed.
“Oh, alright. What would you have written?”
“I don’t know. Probably ‘Hey, I’m Stede. We’ve been staring at each other like we’ve been starving for almost two years. Here’s my number. Pick me up at 6 when my shop closes.’”
Stede rolled his eyes. “You’re a born poet.”
Lucius wanted to whap him with the complete works of Shakespeare.
“Look, I get that you’re…” Lucius paused, trying to think up the right word, “you but Stede, if you want to make a move, today’s got to be the day.”
Stede frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I hate to break it to you,” and he did, he actually did, “but Ed got transferred to the other office across town. It’s his last morning here.”
The other man paled at Lucius’s pronouncement, eyes darting over to where Ed definitely wasn’t watching with curiosity while pretending to look at something on his phone.
“He’s leaving?” Stede sounded like he’d just been told someone was planning on wearing shorts to his wedding.
“Yeah, so if you two ever want to get this love story started, carpe the fucking diem.”
For a second, Lucius thought his (admittedly terrible) little speech had done it, as Stede tried to stand a little taller, roll his shoulders back. But then they both glanced back to where Ed had been standing just to find him gone.
“What?” Stede gasped.
“WHAT?!” Lucius exclaimed. “No, no, no. This isn’t happening.” He got out from around the counter, shoving Stede in front of him. “I’m not letting it end like this. Go, go get that dumb man of yours.”
“But Lucius!” Stede tried, turning his head as he was pushed against the door.
“But nothing! GO!”
And then, like a mother bird chucking her idiot child out of the nest, Lucius shoulder checked Stede out the door.
Now, if Lucius lived in a fair world, that would have done it. Stede would have caught up to Ed, those two would have finally spoken enough words to realize they were both gone on the other, and he’d be invited to the wedding, thank you very much.
Unfortunately, Lucius did not live in a fair world and when Stede took his first step down the sidewalk, he was immediately whacked in the throat by a construction worker with a pipe who hadn’t been looking where he was going.
Stede fell, of course he did, and Lucius watched with slight dread as a small crowd formed around him, checking to see if he was alright. Someone on the outskirts called 911 and the construction worker, stricken, kept apologizing profusely. Lucius was doing his best to keep an eye on the counter but everyone had gone to see the commotion with Stede and honestly, Jackie didn’t pay him enough, anyway.
The ambulance showed up within minutes, thank god, and two (fairly attractive, thank you) paramedics were almost immediately on the scene. The shorter one knelt down next to Stede, knocking the construction worker out of the way, and began feeling around his throat.
“Sir, can you tell us what happened?”
It was then that Lucius and Stede, apparently simultaneously, realized Stede would not be speaking any time soon.
“That construction guy cut him off, knocked him right in the windpipe,” a voice answered from the back of the assembled crowd and of course, of course it was Ed.
The paramedic nodded, chatting with his partner about esophaguses and responses and such before gesturing towards someone by the ambulance to bring some supplies. Before glancing down at Stede, though, the paramedic turned back to Ed who had made his way to the front of the crowd.
“Do you know his name?”
“Stede,” Ed answered without hesitation. “Stede Bonnet.”
Lucius really hoped Stede had noticed he’d used his last name, something he hadn’t mentioned this morning. Lucius wasn’t sure, however, that Stede was noticing much of anything at the moment.
Ed, meanwhile, was still talking.
“He owns that men’s clothing shop down the street, Tailor Made? And I think he might have a nut allergy? I don’t know if that matters but whenever he orders the apple walnut salad, he holds the nuts.”
Now everyone was staring at Ed, the paramedics included.
“Okay,” the hotter one nodded, “got that. Thanks. We’ll note it on his intake form.”
“I also think he’s trying to say something.”
Which he clearly was. They watched as Stede’s mouth opened but nothing came out but a sharp hiss. It seemed cruel for a man who loved talking so much to be silenced at this moment. Stede’s eyes wandered around the gathered crowd, straying back to Ed’s face over and over before he made contact with Lucius. His face was pleading.
Oh god, he was going to do this, wasn’t he?
With a deep breath to tamp down the embarrassment that was already rocketing up his legs to his heart, Lucius straightened out the receipt that was someone still in his hand and began, in as booming a voice as he could muster, to read.
“No man is an island, but two men together can share the world,” he read and yeah, it still sucked and now everyone was staring at him and he hated this, he hated this. But Stede’s eyes were warm as they gazed back at him, thankful.
“My name is Stede.” Lucius paused. “I mean, his name is Stede, I’m Lucius but I’m just reading so. God, this is so stupid.”
The paramedics looked lost as he spoke but Ed simply nodded, grinning.
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed me the past year or so but I’ve noticed you.” Lucius frowned, looking down at his friend. “Little creepy there, buddy.”
Stede rolled his eyes.
“I’ve noticed how kind you are, the glimmer in your eye when something makes you laugh, how you look so tough but you always order the sweetest drinks.” Lucius looked up at Ed. “Oh my god, he’s so right. You do. You’re like the only guy who ever orders the Dark Chocolate Coconut Iced Latte.”
“Lucius,” Ed growled slightly, “focus.”
“Right, right.” Lucius glanced down at the paper still in his hand. “I’m usually quite good at talking, some might say I talk too much but when I look at you, I lose power of speech. So I decided to write something down to say it clearly for myself. … well, for himself, because I would never ever do this. This is so embarrassing. But somehow very on brand for Stede. Who is clearly extremely into you and I have sneaking suspicions that you might feel the same way.”
“Lucius, read the note.”
“I’m just trying to help,” Lucius sighed before blinking when he looked back down at the paper in his hand. “Oh, actually he just kind of stopped there. There’s no more.” He looked down at Stede, who was watching all this from the backboard the paramedics had slid him on to. “Did you hand this to me before you’d finished it?”
Stede attempted to shrug but was stopped by a paramedic trying to put on a neck brace.
“Well, then I’ll finish it, I guess.” Lucius turned, looking Ed in the eye, trying to get across how serious this was. “Ed, will you please go on a date with my extremely ridiculous friend before the two of you actually give me a heart attack?”
Even the paramedics paused.
“Of course I fucking will,” Ed answered, a shy grin (shy? when Lucius had just had to humiliate himself in front of all these people?!) on his face as he looked down at Stede. “Whenever you’re ready, mate.”
The gathered crowd actually clapped which Lucius had thought only happened in movies but yeah, okay, it was kind of sweet and then one of the paramedics asked if Ed wanted to ride in the ambulance with them, which he did and okay, okay, so maybe there was something to those rom coms Pete watched after Lucius went to bed early on Tuesdays.
And maybe it would have ended there if both of their dumb faces didn’t show up in his shop two days later.
“I’m sorry,” Stede held up a notepad, still apparently not able to talk. “Thank you.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Lucius scoffed, “you two owe me like a million drinks.”
“Done,” Ed nodded, only slightly glancing at him before smiling besottedly back at Stede. “We just wanted to let you know that everything went, er, well after that whole mess.”
“Mess is right,” Lucius snorted. “I take it you’re okay?”
Stede began to scribble on his notepad, holding up a sign that read ‘Swollen. Can’t talk for awhile. : ( But otherwise okay.”
“Glad to hear it.” Cause even if he’d done his best not to, he’d still worried. Just a little. “Can’t lose out on a regular big order like that. Bad for business.”
Stede smirked before writing ‘Like you care about business.’
“Well, if that’s all,” he began to wipe down the counter in front of him, not up for analyzing the fact that Stede Bonnet might actually be his friend. Stede could read his tone, though, rolling his eyes and reaching for Ed’s hand to pull him towards the door.
“Thanks again, kid,” Ed called before following, squeezing Stede’s hand and holding the door open for him to make his way out first. They smiled at each other as they went, like they were the only two people in the world, and Lucius was not going to get choked up about these two idiots with an hour still to go til lunch. He wasn’t.
But maybe he texted Pete that he’d like to get some Chinese and watch a rom com and cuddle that night. Just to make Pete happy, mind you.