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Buck wakes up blinking his eyes open, feeling a heavy weight on him. For the first time in months, it’s not the weight of despair that eventually turned into the weight of uncertainty. No, this weight is the familiarity of comfort, of Tommy. Buck leans up slightly and sees the calmness of Tommy’s face. He looks around the familiarity of Tommy’s room and can’t believe they are here. He just knew after that fated night, he’d never have this again. He’d never step into this house, especially this room, but 2 months ago he received a text that changed the course of events, again.
**2 months after the breakup**
Buck is staring at his phone like it has spouted a head. There is a text from Tommy.
Tommy: Hey can we talk
Those 4 words that he heard almost a year ago that altered his world. Now those words fill everything with dread and to be honest, anger, but God he really want to hear his voice.
Buck: Yes, but not on the phone. I work today but I’ll be available Thursday morning. I’ll be at your place at 9.
Tommy: Ok
Ok. Ok. That’s all he has to say, after two months is ok. Buck realizes he didn’t really five any room for anything else, but dammit, he deserve more than OK. As Buck is starting to spiral, he hears his phone ding and walks back to it.
Tommy: Be safe
At that, Buck finally breathes.
Thursday morning Buck finds himself inside his jeep staring at Tommy’s house. He knows he’s been their countless times, but this is different. This is the first time he’s been here as Tommy’s ex. Shaking his head to get out of his own mind, Buck opens the door and walks up the drive, sidewalk and finds himself in front of the door. Just as he’s about to knock, the door opens, and he finds himself face to face with Tommy. This Tommy however is not eh Tommy that showed up for him all the time, confident, cool. No, this Tommy was a shell. He looked tired, vulnerable, completely unsure and smaller. In a way, this makes Buch want to stand up a little straighter knowing the breakup affected Tommy just as badly, while simultaneously wanting to take Tommy in his arms whispering sweet words in his ear. Buck does neither.
“H..Hey Tommy. I’m a little hungry so I bought us a couple of breakfast burritos from the stand we like and coffee.
“Thanks. I’m not that hungry, but please go ahead and eat.” Tommy moves aside and let’s Buck in.
Buck walks in and everything still looks the same, except there seems to be boxes of Kleenex everywhere, the living room, the kitchen counter where he sits the bag of food and even the enclosed patio he can see through the back door.
“Been sick lately,” he asks picking up the Kleenex box.
All Tommy does is shake his head.
Buck signs, sits down with the coffee and food back. He pulls out his burrito, puts one at the other seat for Tommy and begins to take a bite of his food.
Buck sits there taking Tommy in. Tommy’s eyes look sunken, dark, like he hasn’t slept in weeks. His hair is standing at his ends as if his hands lived there. He looks like he picked clothes up off the floor and put them on. Buck inhales and his chest tightens. At least Tommy has showered because the scent of the soap and Tommy are permeating the senses.
“You wanted to talk so talk,” Buck said taking a sit of the his coffee and sitting back getting impatient, but still wanting to wrap Tommy up and tell him all is okay.
“Tommy takes a deep sigh, “Evan, I. I’m so sorry.” Tommy stops and swallows and seems to keep tears at bay. “I should not have ended things like I did. You were trying to be honest and I got scared. I ran for self-preservation because I knew. I knew I would not survive if you broke my heart. The thing is I was already in too deep because I’m not surviving me breaking my own heart and yours.”
Buck sat there and simply looked. Stunned at the admittance, hurt that Tommy’s hurt and angry that it took him two months to reach out. All Buck could do was laugh to keep from crying.
“Two months Tommy. It took you two fucking months to come to this conclusion. To realize that you broke both of our hearts because you were a coward who couldn’t trust me to make decisions for myself. Two months to realize we needed to talk.” Buck was yelling and didn’t want to yell. It wasn’t going to help any situation, but he couldn’t keep it in any longer.
Buck took a deep breath and continued lowering his voice a little. “Do you know how many times I looked at my phone, hoping you’d call or text me? I wanted to reach out, but dammit, you left ME. I should not have had to chase you this time. I did after the failed first date because that was on me, but not this time, you left when I did nothing wrong. Could I have worded things differently? Yes. Telling you I admired you and you were transformative made me look like I was a starry-eyed child. Do I admire you. Yes, but that is because of things you have had to overcome, but what I should have said was that I was falling for you. You were becoming everything for me, but you left, just like everyone before you. I am a fully grown adult Tommy. I know what I want and who I want. I wanted you. I wanted to build a life with you. No future is known, but you didn’t even give me a chance to try to prove it to you. You just ran and then reached out to let me know what, that you were already in too deep? What was I quicksand? It was 6 months Tommy. Did you not expect to feel anything? Please help me understand because right now all I’m thinking is you expected just a good time”
Buck was done. He’d said all he needed to say. He didn’t even realize he was standing and was on the other side of the kitchen. When did he get up? When did I start crying? When did Tommy?
Tommy had his arms crossed on the table and his forehead leaning on his arms. All Buck could see was his shoulders shaking. The sobs ripping out of him were shredding every resistance Buck had. He walked over and carded his hands through Tommy’s hair and Buck could hear Tommy breath catch.
“Evan if I could change that night, I would. If I could change the last 2 months, I would.” Clearing his throat Tommy continued, though his voice was still raspy, “I truly believed you would be better off. I am not the forever guy. I’m the steppingstone guy. I’m the guy people want so they can feel protected, have a little fun and help them to realize they can have more in life and leaves to find that. I am not the guy people choose.”
“Tommy you were never that to me. I was honest when I said I didn’t know what I was ready for in the beginning, and that something definitely became the relationship with you. What was I to you? A-and I thought I was Buck now.” Buck couldn’t help that parting shot.
Tommy lowered his head looking thoroughly chastised. . Tears still freely falling. He got up and go the Kleenex from the counter. Took a couple to Buck and then used some for himself. “I’m sorry for calling you Buck. I thought that would put the distance needed, but it didn’t. You are Evan. I didn’t know what to expect. I let you set the pace and you sprinted toward everything. I thought we’d go slow; you were figuring things out, so I thought you’d go slow. Apparently I needed slow because I fell for you so hard Evan that I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to feel obligated to say anything back or stay. I didn’t want you second guessing yourself, so I kept it to myself. How could I not fall for you? You give yourself in everything you do, including with me. There wasn’t a time I doubted you. Honestly, I didn’t doubt you that night I left. I did doubt the location to move into, but not you. I simply got terrified and handled it badly. You were right, I was a coward. Do you think you could ever forgive me.”
“I’m not sure. I didn’t think you’d discount me and my words like everything else has. I know you were terrified, but in your fear, you dismissed me.”
“I did. I know I have no right to ask for your forgiveness but here I am asking. Is there anything I can do to?”
Buck walked over to Tommy. Red rimmed tired eyes staring at each other. “Tommy, what do you want? Why did you want to talk?”
Tommy looked as scared as the night he left and like he may throw up. He inhaled and walked towards the wall, putting distance between us. He wrapped his arms around himself, like he was protecting himself. In the smallest most vulnerable voice Buck has never heard Tommy use, “Could we start over, Evan? I really would like to try again with you.”
The words Buck has wanted to hear for two months have been put out into the universe, but right now Buck isn’t sure what to do. He really would like to give Tommy another chance. He’s missed him. He hasn’t stopped loving Tommy, but he definitely can’t take another heartbreak. He’s not sure if he trusts Tommy to not run again.
“Can I think on it Tommy. You are asking me to trust you and right now, I’m not sure I can. My heart really wants to, but my mind is questioning everything. You called me impulsive and you’re right I can be, but I am worth taking my time on this, on us, if I want there to be an us again.” The fallen look on Tommy’s face almost makes Buck recant everything he said.
“I understand. Take all the time you need.” Buck had to strain to hear Tommy’s voice that was slightly above a whisper.
“I’m going to go. Please eat something. I can tell you haven’t been eating or sleeping. Please don’t make me worry while I figure this out. I need you to take care of yourself, please. How are you able to function at work with no sleep Tommy?”
“I’m on autopilot there. It’s when I’m here that I don’t sleep. I eat enough to stay alive, but I really haven’t had an appetite since that night. I promise I’ll try to do better. I meant it, by the way, take all the time you need. I’m just grateful you didn’t punch me and walk out the door when I asked.”
“Tommy, you know that’s not my style. I just need to protect myself as well. I’m going to go. Eat something. I have to work tomorrow. I will say this, if you need me, call me. No matter what, I don’t want to go months without hearing from you again.” With that Buck walked out the door.
Buck went home, cleaned and thought. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do. He wished he could process this with someone, but everyone had their own stuff. Chris was finally back and he and Eddie were working on rebuilding their bond without any outside forces right now. Maddie has pregnancy hormones going wild and the last thing he wants is for her to take the hormones out on him or Tommy. Maybe Hen? Buck picks up his phone.
Buck: Hen, I really need to talk to you. Please let know when you have some time
Hen: Hey Buck. What’s up?
Buck: Just had a conversation with Tommy
Hen: Bring Tequila
Buck finds himself sitting at Hen and Karen’s dining table, feeling very nice and warm after 4 very large shots.
“Buck, what are you thoughts. I mean I’ve heard everything you said, and it all makes sense from both of your perspectives. When Karen and I asked him his intensions, he said he was letting you set the pace. You were going at a pace he wasn’t expecting, even then, but moving in? You just told me about the conversation you had with Josh and you got moving in from it? I’m not blaming you, but I can see how Tommy got spooked with the words admiring and all of that. He handled it badly and he doesn’t get a pass on it. I don’t have an answer for you Buck. What do you really want to do.”
Without hesitation, “Try again”.
“Then what’s stopping you? I don’t think it would be impulsive because you are taking the time to think about it and process everything, even when very tipsy.”
“Trust. I’m not sure I can trust him to not run again if spooked. If I move too fast again.”
“Maybe lay some ground rules. Check-in days. Look when I cheated on Karen, it took time to regain her trust. If I noticed a distant look or I started struggling with what I did, we talked. We checked in on each other. We talked.”
“You said that already, Hen.”
“Talking is important. You can’t have a good relationship without good concrete communication. Talk to him Buck. Don’t deny yourself happiness because you are scared. At that point, you’d be doing the same thing Tommy did. I’m gonna get you a blanket. Nap, sober up, and we can go grab something to eat.”
As Buck was getting ready for work the next day, he still wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. He really missed Tommy and seeing him a couple of days ago solidified just how much. He has thought about simply texting and asking if he was eating, but didn’t so he could focus on himself. He heard his phone ding and went to pick it up.
Tommy: Be safe today
Buck: Thanks
Buck: Have you been eating?
Tommy: A little and send a picture of a cup of coffee and 1 slice of avocado toast
Buck: Good 😊
Buck: Talk later
Tommy: Ok
As Buck got to work, he sought out Hen. “I’m going to try again, but he has to agree to the ground rules.”
“Good Buck. I’m glad you are prioritizing yourself while going after what makes you happy. I’m proud of you.”
Yeah, Buck blushed and smiled.
Work was insanely busy for 48 hours. All he wants is sleep and then talk with Tommy. Hopefully he will be off or have some time to talk, but right now, sleep.
After a good 10 hours of sleep, still a little tired, but functioning better Buck picks up his phone to text Tommy.
Buck: Hey, are you busy
Tommy: Just got home from shift
Buck: Sleep. Text me when you are up
Tommy: It wasn’t an active shift, so not incredibly tired now
Buck: oh ok. We should talk
Tommy: Public, your place or mine
Buck: Mine. My shifts were active and I really want to be home
Tommy: Sure. Want me to pick up something to eat
Buck: No I can whip up something here
Tommy: Be there in 45
Buck had just finished putting chicken in the oven and put finishing touches on the salad and put in in the refrigerator when there was a knock at the door. He walked to it, took a deep breath and opened. There stood Tommy with a dessert from the bakery near his house.
“I didn’t want to show up without anything” he said handing the cheesecake to Buck.
“Thanks, come on in.”
Buck placed the cheesecake in the fridge walked over to the table to sit down, but then got back up, grabbed a couple of waters and brought them to the table, sitting at the end of the table. Tommy sat at the other end.
“Ok Tommy, I’ve thought about it and I do want to try, but there will be ground rules.”
With a timid smile and saying on an exhale, “Wow, thank you”.
“You don’t know the ground rules yet. You, you may not like them.”
“Evan, I will walk through a fiery bed of nails for you at this point, so I will take whatever you have.”
“Tommy you are going to have to earn my trust back. I realized I do trust you some, but nothing like I once did. You are going to have to build that back up. We really need to date, talk to each other, learn more about our history and what barriers we may need to face. I don’t mind us being intimate, but no sex. Not now. I don’t want that to become what keeps us together. Can you do that? Can you talk to me, can you trust me to know what I want and need out of and in this relationship?”
“Yes, I can. I told you I didn’t really doubt you before. It was all me and my insecurities that I projected on you. As for no sex, I agree. We need to be comfortable again with each other. I need you to trust me before we take that step again. So we are trying this?” Tommy said hopeful with each passing sentence and question.
“Yes,” Buck said beaming.
“God I’ve missed that smile,” Tommy said wistfully. “I’m going to do my damnedest to make sure it stays.”
Buck and Tommy make plans over dinner to go to Griffith Park for a picnic a week from Sunday.
**Present Day**
Buck can’t help but think they have made more progress the past 2 months than they made the 6 months they were together before. There were many of the same with movie nights, pop ups to eat with the respective firehouses, countless texts and calls, and kisses. It was very hard to stick to the no sex and it took Tommy reminding him countless times that resulted in so many cold showers Buck lost count. Despite that, it was nice. We courted each other, talked, cried, laughed and we seemed genuinely happy. Buck can’t help but wonder why neither one of us has said those 3 words, not since the first talk about the break-up. Buck knows he loves Tommy, hell he’s fallen more in love with him over the last 2 months. Why haven’t they said it? If they are too scared, then what does that mean.
“Shh, your thinking way to loud and woke me up.” Tommy raised up and kissed Buck’s cheek then stretched. There was a look in Tommy’s eyes he had seen many times and it’s the look that makes everything make sense, that makes everything clear.
“Thank you for staying last night. It was nice to fall asleep with you and just talk and laugh. I never said this prior and I will never make that mistake again. Baby, I love you so much. It was so easy to fall in love with you before, but the past two months have solidified everything. Does it take my fear away, no, but it makes me fight harder to not let the fear become so loud.”
Tommy’s hand is on Bucks cheek and Buck leans into it.
“God Tommy, you don’t know how much you mean to me. How much I love you, am in love with you. If your fear gets loud, talk to me, like you have been. I promise I will do the same when my insecurities get to be too much for me handle. I want this future with you and I can’t wait to see what all it holds.”
Buck leans in and kisses Tommy. It is chaste and sweet and full of promises. Yeah, the future will be just fine.