Chapter Text
“You know, I never pictured myself as a hero. Never thought I’d be the one they toast for saving so many lives. And now that I’m here… I hate it. This is awful.”
You look around the party. It’s a good party. There’s music, there’s food, there’s drink. Everyone seems to be having fun except Astarion.
“You did a good thing! Suck it up and enjoy yourself.”
“Enjoy myself? There’s a worm in my brain. I’m surrounded by idiots, and all I’ve got to drink is wine that tastes like vinegar.”
You take the bottle from him and take a sip. It’s a heavy, rich red - dry and sharp.
He sucks his teeth. “See what I mean? Awful.”
You furrow your brow at him. You’ve been peripherally aware of him drinking copious volumes of wine all night, and he’s sober as the day is long. If it tastes of vinegar, and he can’t get drunk, why is he still drinking the stuff? Strikes you as wasteful, is all. You decide not to mention it.
“All I want is a little fun. Is that so much to ask?”
He meets your eyes and his discontented frown twists into a mischievous smile. “You know, we could always make our own entertainment, darling. Get a little closer, so to speak.”
You raise your eyebrows. For Astarion, entertainment could be anything from lying to a god or stealing from a baby.
“And what’s your idea of ‘a little fun’?”
Astarion rolls his eyes as if you’re being intentionally dense. “By the hells- sex , my dear. A night of passion.”
Oh. Oh shit. He wants to sleep with you.
You’ve been getting pretty close over the course of your adventure - you have similar senses of humor, your priorities usually align. You like to think you’ve become friends. Maybe there could be more, down the road. Not- not that, obviously, but something.
But now he’s looking at you with these over-the-top bedroom eyes, and it’s so obviously a mask. A performance. It’s so overwrought that you almost can’t stop yourself from laughing. Does this gambit work on normal folk?
You valiantly keep your expression in check. “Astarion, I’m flattered, but-”
Before you can even finish your thought, you can see him closing off. Everything, from his posture to his expression, shutters quicker than a crooked market stall when the city watch comes ‘round.
“And here I mistook you for someone with taste. A pity. Have it your way, I’m happy to entertain myself.”
“It’s not you-”
“Oh, ‘it’s not you it’s me’? That old line? Please, darling.” He bares his teeth in a mirthless smile. “I’ve used that one a thousand times.”
“I just want to tell you that-”
He waves a dismissive hand in your face. “It’s fine. Enjoy your night with whatever beast will have you.”
“I don’t have sex.” You speak quickly and firmly, before he can interrupt again.
He stills for a moment, and then squints at you. “You’re a virgin? What, are you waiting for your perfect prince to bless you with true love’s kiss? You sound like Wyll. You know, we’ve got something of a time limit, darling.” He taps his head, indicating the tadpole. “Who knows how much longer we’ll have in these bodies? We might as well use them.” He leans in closer, speaking low. “You needn’t be shy, pet. I’d take good care of you.”
You sigh and sway back, out of his immediate orbit. “I’m not a virgin. I’ve had sex before, I just didn’t care for it much.”
He blinks hard. Confusion flickers behind his eyes, but almost immediately the bedroom eyes are back. “All that tells me is that the sex you had wasn’t any good. I can fix that, trust me . I have centuries worth of testimonials.” His seductive persona is so hammed up it’s almost cartoonish, like a caricature someone would draw. It’s verging into unsettling, actually.
“No - it’s not about that either. The sex I’ve had was lovely. With kind, compassionate, gorgeous partners. Skillful partners. But at the end of it all…” You shrug. “It’s all a lot of fuss for some fleeting pleasure, hm? And then you’re sore and sticky.” You can’t help but grimace. “Not worth it.”
Astarion is frozen, like he can’t decide how to respond to that. You don’t even think he’s breathing. You get the impression something in his brain is cracking. Something non-worm related.
You sigh again. “It’s like this.” You take another swig from the bottle of wine he can’t stand. “I like this wine. Doesn’t taste anything like vinegar. Full bodied, nice and dry. You don’t like it?” You shrug dismissively. “That’s fine. Just a difference of taste. Nothing wrong with either of us, for liking it or not liking it.” You take another swig. “The thing that wouldn’t make any sense at all is if you kept drinking it, knowing you weren’t enjoying it, just because you think it’s something you ought to like, or it’s the Done Thing.”
You offer him the bottle back, nearly empty now between the two of you. He takes it from you on reflex, but his gaze is still distant. Shell-shocked.
“Life is short, hey?” You tap the side of your own head, mirroring his motion from earlier. “No sense wasting time going through motions.”
He blinks a few times, and then he seems to recognize that it’s his turn to speak.
“You are maybe the strangest person I’ve ever met. And, considering our present company, that says a lot.”
You laugh. “Guilty.”
“You’re sure this isn’t a roundabout way to let me down easy?” Some teasing creeps back into his tone, and you’re glad to hear it. It means his brain is coming back online.
You tease back. “If there was anyone in all the realms that could get me on my back, it’d be you, handsome. But there isn’t, and won’t ever be. Bad luck, mate.”
He huffs, playing at discontentment, but you can see that it is play, now.
You step in close to his side, not quite touching, and turn your gaze on the camp. You speak quietly, conspiratorially. “Now, if you’re looking for something truly no strings attached, I bet Lae’zel would put you through your paces. I also get the vibe that Halsin is pretty… sexually liberated. I bet he has some weird nature-based reverence for casual sex. Maybe even some cool spells he’d use.”
Astarion sucks his teeth thoughtfully. “I don’t love the idea that either of them could snap me in half with a thought.”
You step back from him in mock outrage. “Hey, did you proposition me just because you think you could best me in a fight?!”
Astarion shrugs one shoulder. “I already have once, darling, remember how we met?”
You punch him lightly on the shoulder. “That didn’t count, I never saw you coming!”
“ Yes, that’s quite the point of being a rogue.”
“We’re going to properly spar, and then we’ll see.” You burp, and are immediately reminded of how much fermented liquid you've drank. “Not tonight. And, well, probably not tomorrow morning, either.”
“Can’t wait to prove myself right, darling.” He smirks at you.
“I don’t need this right now, I’m going to go drink with Shadowheart.” You stomp off, playfully angry, while Astarion chuckles.
You don’t get far. “Tav!”
When you turn around, he’s holding out the wine bottle.
“Why don’t you finish it? I’m clearly not getting anything out of drinking it.”
It’s just the last couple sips of wine, but it’s also an acknowledgment. You take the bottle and smile.