Archive of Our Own ^beta

It all began with the late-night disappearances.

Strong Bad didn't give it much thought the first couple of times. Strong Sad had always been prone to wandering off somewhere, doing whatever it is that Strong Sad liked to do in his spare time, good riddance, honestly. But more recently, Strong Sad's disappearances had become noticeably frequent. And Strong Bad began to notice a pattern: Strong Sad would slip out around dusk, vanish the entire night, and then reappear sometime in the afternoon the next day, often without so much as a word about where he'd been or what he'd been up to. He’d just plop down in his usual spot as if he hadn’t gone completely AWOL for hours on end. This cycle repeated itself over and over for nearly a month before Strong Bad started taking notice.

Then, the phone calls started happening.

Strong Sad began receiving texts and calls at odd hours, often late at night when Strong Bad was busy in the computer room, holed up in his bedroom playing video games, or zoned out in front of the TV in the basement. Strong Sad would answer with a typically dull, monotone "Hello," but soon after, his tone would soften, becoming gentler, sweet, almost secretive, and he was quick to get as far away from everyone else as possible. By now, Strong Bad's suspicion had hit an all-time high, and naturally, he had tried snooping. A casual stroll past Strong Sad, a poorly disguised stretch over his shoulder, an occasional “Oh hey, what’s that on your phone?” Every time, Strong Sad managed to shield his phone from him and mask it with an excuse. The dude was clearly hiding something, and it was driving Strong Bad nuts.

One morning, Strong Sad stepped through the front door, looking uncharacteristically content, when he froze mid-step upon seeing Strong Bad standing there, arms crossed, leaning casually against the wall, like he’d been waiting all night for this very moment.

“Alright, spill it, Dumpledump!” Strong Bad barked, striding forward until he was well within Strong Sad’s personal bubble.

“S-Spill what?” Strong Sad stammered nervously, his eyes darting around the room as he instinctively took a step back.

“Don’t play dumb! You know exactly what I’m talking about!” Strong Bad jabbed an accusatory glove into Strong Sad’s stomach, making the latter flinch and clutch his tea-stained tote bag. “You think I haven’t noticed you pulling your Houdini act every night? Sneaking out on these late-night travel escapades like some kind of goth Batman? And talking sweet nothings over the phone to... who exactly? A therapist? Some girl?"

Strong Sad tensed up at the second one, feeling his cheeks begin to flush red. Strong Bad noticed immediately. 

"Ohoho! I knew it! Who is she?"

“Look Strong Bad, I-I don’t know why this is such a big deal to you—”

“Oh, it’s a big deal, alright!” Strong Bad cut off, leaning in closer. “You know keeping secrets in this house is illegal! You can’t just disappear, come back smelling like a discount candle store with your face all pink, and get away with it!”

“It’s... It's personal, okay?” Strong Sad muttered, clutching his tote bag tighter. His eyes darted toward the stairs, calculating how fast he’d have to run to make it out.

“‘Personal?!’” Strong Bad repeated, a chuckle forcing its way from his lips. “Oh, that’s rich! What could you possibly have going on that’s personal? The only personal life you’ve ever had is between you and your ' Reasons Why Life Is Just One Big Joke, Volumes I Through XV.’ series."

Strong Sad gasped, “Those journals are for my eyes only!” he snapped, his eyes wide with horror. "Don't tell me you read those!" 

Strong Bad ignored him. “Yeah, yeah, that's besides the point. Who’s the unlucky gal? What’s her deal? Does she know about your blog or your mountains of depressing poetry? Is she as big of a lame dorkwad as you are? Is she... blind?”

Strong Sad’s cheeks burned an even deeper shade of red and he was beginning to look more visibly frustrated. He opened his mouth to respond but couldn’t get the words out fast enough. “It’s not what—WHO you think...”

“Ha! So there is a ‘what’ to think about!” Strong Bad interrupted again, his grin widening like a shark that had just sensed blood in the water. “You’re not even denying it now! Oh, this is golden!” He leaned in closer. “Alright, let’s hear it. Is she someone you met in one of your online book clubs?”

“Look, can’t you just leave me alone? This is none of your business!”

“Oh, you wish,” Strong Bad said, blocking the path to the stairs as Strong Sad instinctively tried to inch toward his escape. “But if someone like you's running around on some secret love quest, you make it my business!” He then leaned in, grinning smugly. “And while we're on the topic... What’s in the bag, Dumpwad?"

Strong Sad’s grip on it tightened. “It’s nothing, Strong Bad,” he said, glancing nervously at the stairs again.

"Love letters? An ice sculpture? Some exotic herbal tea blend?”

"No!"

"A skimpy outfit to take pictures of yourself in?"

"Ew! No!" Strong Sad shouted in disgust, "Why would you even think that?!"

Strong Bad snorted, slowly approaching Strong Sad with his hands up in aim for his bag. “Come oooooon! You can tell me! I won't tell nobody! …Except maybe everyone in town!”

“I’m serious, Strong Bad!” Strong Sad’s voice cracked under the pressure, his face now an impressive mix of pink and pale. They maneuvered around each other for a moment before Strong Bad was far enough away from the stairs for Strong Sad to make his move. He shoved past his brother with surprising speed and darted straight up the stairs.

“Wha—Hey! Get back here!” Strong Bad yelled, spinning around in time to see Strong Sad already halfway up the staircase. “I’m not done interrogating you!”

The only response was the sound of Strong Sad’s frantic footsteps pounding up the stairs, followed by the definitive slam of his bedroom door.

Strong Bad stood there, shaking his fist dramatically into the air. “This isn’t over, Sadman! You hear me? I’m onto you! And when I figure out what you're hiding, there’s gonna be some serious consequences!”

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

That evening, Strong Sad quietly slipped out the door, his round figure disappearing into the night. Strong Bad watched from the sidelines, letting his brother get a good distance before he slipped on his trademark Dangeresque shades. This was it. Tonight, he was going to uncover Strong Sad’s big secret. Whatever, or whoever it may be.

His first stop was The Stick, a secluded spot Strong Sad often claimed to have retreated to on his "walks" for "thinking". However, upon arrival, Strong Bad found that the space was completely deserted. His eyes scanned the area, trying to track down any possible clue of his presence.

"Not brooding here tonight, huh? Liar," he muttered under his breath, clenching a fist.

With a huff, he changed course and headed toward Bubs' Concession Stand instead. The lights were dimming as Bubs prepared to close up for the evening, the creak of the metal door barely audible in the still air.

"Yo, Bubs!" Strong Bad swaggered up to the stand, his shades glinting in the fading light. "You seen my weirdo brother skulking around here tonight by any chance?" He asked, glancing around concurrently to see if Strong Sad was maybe wallowing behind or near the building.

Bubs raised an eyebrow. "Which one? Strong Sad? Nah, can't say I have, Strong Bad." He leaned on the counter. "He doesn't swing by these parts too often—except when he comes to buy those weird soy drinks he likes. Why? What's he up to?"

Suspicious... Strong Bad crossed his arms, dropping his tone to sound irritated. "That's what I'm trying to figure out... Lately, he's been whispering sweet nothings over the phone and leaving the house to see someone, like some lovesick schoolgirl. And tonight I'm finally getting to the bottom of it."

Bubs rubbed the back of his neck thoughtfully. “Hmmm... That's certainly new. Well, ya might wanna check with Coach Z or Marzipan for that. They've got their noses in pretty much everybody’s bizmiz ‘round here! I'm sure they might somehow know."

"Ooh, good call…" Strong Bad nodded, making a mental note. "Thanks, Bubs! I'll catch ya on the flip side!”

Bubs gave a half-hearted wave and, after fulfilling his only purpose to the plot, pulled the metal shutter down all the way, locking himself away from the cruel outside world. And with that, Strong Bad was off again.

Strong Bad trudged toward the Free Country USA racetrack, where Coach Z practically lived. The familiar sound of creaking doors greeted him as he reached the locker room, surprised to find it unlocked. He pushed the door open, and immediately spotted Coach Z, who was awkwardly shuffling around the lockers in his usual erratic fashion.

"Hey, Coach Z!" Strong Bad hollered, throwing his gloved fists into the air, trying to grab the man's attention.

Coach Z flinched, nearly tripping over his own feet as his lanky frame froze mid-step in an awkward stance. "Woah there, Strong Bad! You can't just sneak up on a fella like that!"

Strong Bad rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, look, I need some info. I'm trying to track down Strong Sad. You have any clue about his whereabouts? I'm on an important... invest-a-gation."

"Oh, uhh, lemme think...” Coach Z scratched his head, his expression blank for a moment before the gears started turning. “Nope, haven't seen ol' Sad Sack tonight. But last time I had seen 'em, he was hangin' out with ol' Homestar. Yeah, just last week. I remember that. You oughta check with him."

Strong Bad perked up curiously, an eyebrow raising. Homestar? Like... Homestar Runner? What would those two be doing together?

"Uh... sure. Alright. Thanks, Coach. I'll go ask."

He turned to leave, but Coach Z called out to him. "Hey! If you find out if Strong Sad's up for runnin' some laps, lemme know! The guy looks like he could really use it!"

Strong Bad waved a dismissive hand without turning around. "I'll... make sure he gets on that."

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Strong Bad headed straight for Homestar's house. He really didn't want to be here. Heck, no one ever wanted to be at Homestar's house. But he hoped, for his own sanity, that Homestar was still awake and could at least point him in the right direction. If there was even a small chance that his dopey nemesis knew where his little brother was, he had to follow the lead. So with a deep breath and a silent prayer, he knocked on the front door with the kind of force that said 'I don't want to be here, but you're my last resort.'

"Cooooo~ming!" came a singsong voice from inside the house. A few moments later, the door creaked open, revealing Homestar Runner in all his white, slender, armless glory.

"Strong Bad! Heheh, What's crack-a-lackin'...uh, brackin'?"

Strong Bad narrowed his eyes, immediately studying Homestar's face.

Something about him felt... slightly off. Like, more off than usual. His eyelids were droopy, his eyes lightly glossed over, his knees trembling, having to lean up against the doorframe to keep his balance, and a lopsided grin spread across his face. There was also a definite shift in the way he spoke, punctuated by random sighs and giggles.

He looked tired. Or maybe tipsy? Drunk, even? Strong Bad wasn't entirely sure, but he let it slide—for now. There were bigger things to worry about at the moment and none of them involved any of Homestar’s antics.

He crossed his arms and leaned against the other side of the doorframe, feeling his patience thinning fast. "Drop the pleasantries, Homestar. I only swung by cuz' I'm lookin' for my dumpy, sad sack of a little brother. Got any idea on where he could be?”

"Who?" Homestar's face scrunched in thought for a moment, before immediately brightening up again, his laughter growing louder and more erratic than before. Strong Bad was caught extremely off guard by this. "Oh! Strong Sad! HAHAHA! Don’t worry, Strong Bad. He's, uhh… right here!"

Strong Bad jolted upright, “Wait… what?!” He leaned forward with wide eyes. "He's here? Right now?!"

Homestar's laughter died down, and it no longer seemed drunken, but almost sort of dreamy. "Yessir! He's been right here with me for a… good while now."

Strong Bad blinked in bewilderment, his voice coming out thick with skepticism. "Why on earth would Strong Sad be hanging out at your house with you?"

Homestar stood up straight—or as straight as he could—and kicked his leg back and forth. "Oh, Strong Sad's been comin’ over here all the time to hang out."

Tension suddenly rose. "He... is?"

"Yuh-huh."

"All the time?"

"Yuppers."

Strong Bad felt his head spin. Strong Sad was coming over here this whole time? To Homestar’s house? To do what? Why was Homestar acting so delirious? He was starting to snicker and heave dreamy sighs again, which weren’t giving Strong Bad ANY good ideas about what could have been going on before he showed up.

Before he could open his mouth to interrogate Homestar further, a third voice interrupted from deeper inside the house. Strong Bad froze in place.

"Who's at the door, hon? Were you expecting guests?"

And sure enough, a moment later, out awkwardly shuffled into the doorway behind Homestar was none other than the devil himself, Strong Sad, wrapped in what Strong Bad only assumed was a comforter taken from their house. Strong Sad's calm expression quickly dropped when his eyes landed on Strong Bad at the door, his pale face flushing a bright crimson.

"Oh—Uh... h-hey, Strong Bad," Strong Sad greeted with forced nonchalance, though it was clear in his expression that he was immediately uncomfortable by his sudden presence.

Strong Bad stared slack-jawed, caught between a thousand different reactions. Homestar leaned in closer to Strong Sad, pressing his body up against him in a gesture of casual affection. "Oh, he was just coming over to check on you, sweetie," Homestar chirped lovingly, completely missing the discomfort radiating from his surroundings.

"Woah, woah, woah—hold the phone!" Strong Bad waved his hands dramatically, tugging off his Dangeresque shades to better take in the absurdity before him. "This whole time you've been running off past curfew was to hang out with HOMESTAR?"

"What? I never had a curfew!” Strong Sad bristled at the accusation. “I'm an adult!"

Strong Bad huffed indignantly, then jabbed an accusing glove into his brother’s plump stomach. "Yeah, well, you're still my little brother, and since you live under my roof, you follow my rules! Which means a curfew!"

His tone might’ve been sharp with authority, but Strong Sad could see right through it.

"Since when? You don't even pay the bills! I’m the one who does all the work! If anything, it's my roof!"

Strong Bad sputtered, struggling for a comeback, only to quickly catch himself. No, he couldn't let himself get distracted. He needed to circle back to the revelation at hand.

His quiet, reclusive little brother had been running off every single night, for weeks, to willingly spend time with Homestar. The thought was seriously leaving him weirded out and more than a bit nauseous.

"It's really no biggie, Strong Bad,” Homestar, completely oblivious to the amount of tension mounting between the three of them, attempted to de-escalate the situation. “We mostly just sit around playing dumb ol’ board games all day. Tonight we were gonna watch a movie together, maybe snuggle up a little… y'know, normal couple stuff! Nothing to worry about, promise!"

Strong Bad felt his stomach drop. "…What?”

He slowly turned his gaze toward Strong Sad, who looked like he was silently begging for the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

"What does he mean by that?"

"I—I… Well—” Strong Sad shifted uncomfortably, fidgeting with his hands as he struggled to meet Strong Bad's fierce, bewildered gaze. “I didn't know how to tell you this, Strong Bad, but we've been... um, Homestar and I... we're...kind of..."

Strong Bad stopped him with a dry, strained laugh. His initial disbelief had slowly began to turn into a dawning awareness as he replayed every little detail in his mind. The soft sighs and giggles Homestar had let slip in the first few minutes of their conversation, the way he had leaned close to Strong Sad, nuzzling him with comfort that catered to more than just mere friendliness, added on by the casual exchange of the words "hon" and "sweetie" between them… It finally brought the truth into a painfully clear focus.

He raised a trembling glove at Strong Sad, “Are… are you two…” 

"Uh, yeah? I thought you knew?” Homestar said, a bit too casually, as if announcing something mundane like the weather. “Strong Sad said he was gonna tell you, like, weeks ago.”

Strong Bad's brain, though reluctant, finally accepted—or, more accurately, could no longer ignore—the glaringly obvious truth staring him in the face at that moment, and the thread holding his composure together snapped.

”YOU’RE DATING?!?!”

Strong Sad immediately buried his face in his hands. “This wasn’t how I wanted you to find out!” He wailed, his muffled voice dripping with mortification

"I—wha—uh—how—? Buh..but—! Why—?”

Strong Bad's frantic thoughts raced for some kind of escape hatch, some loophole that would make this all just a bizarre misunderstanding. But in the midst of it, he began to feel the corner of his mouth twitch. It started as a tiny grin, but quickly grew, stretching wider and wider until he just couldn’t contain himself anymore.

"BAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!”

Strong Bad burst into full-blown, uproarious laughter, doubling over and clutching his stomach so forcefully that he staggered backward and collapsed onto the ground.

“Are you kidding?! My dork of a little brother... is snuggling up with an even BIGGER DORK? OH MAN! WHAT A COMBO!" He howled, gasping for air between bouts of hysterics. "This has GOTTA be some kind of joke, right? You two… tryin’ to pull one over on ol' Strong Bad? HA! GOOD ONE!! A REAL GOOD ONE! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Homestar beamed with pride, innocently mistaking Strong Bad's reaction for approval. "Oh no, this is no joke, S.B! Me and Strong Sad are totes in love! For real for real!"

"Homestar, please...!" Strong Sad whined. His face burning with embarrassment.

"What?" Homestar asked, confused.

Strong Bad continued to roll about on the ground uncontrollably for several more seconds before he finally wiped the tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. With his chest still heaving, he propped himself up on his elbows and swiftly glanced at Strong Sad.

"So… heheh… w-what's the story here? Did you just wake up one morning and think to yourself, 'I think I might start smooching the town's dunce'?" He gestured mockingly toward Homestar, before continuing his bawl.

Strong Sad, now thoroughly humiliated, shrinking under the weight of his brother's teasing, slowly lowered his hands from his now watery face. Though a tiny sliver of confidence had returned. "No... No, it's not like that. It’s not like that at all." he said quietly. "It's way more than that."

Homestar nudged Strong Sad with a playful bump of his head, clearly trying to lift his spirits. Strong Sad smiled warmly at him. A rare occurrence for him, but a genuine one. He turned back to Strong Bad, his tone softer but now more resolute. "It might seem weird to you but... Homestar's shown me more love and care in the span of a month than you have my whole life, Strong Bad! I think I can confidently say I finally found a shred of happiness in my life!”

"You're happy?" Strong Bad repeated incredulously, his laughter dying down a bit. “With HIM?” He gestured toward Homestar like he was some kind of alien creature. “Oh man, Strong Sad, you’re seriously gonna kill me with this.”

"Hey, what’s not to love? I'm a real catch! And a terrific athlete!" Homestar chimed in, puffing out his chest, then added, "What would you know about love anyway, Strong Bad? I’ve never seen YOU with a date!”

Strong Bad suddenly halted completely, feeling a sudden pang in his chest. "Err...I— W-What do you mean? I know LOTS about love! I get messages from desperate, lonely women every day!" He sputtered defensively. "I—I just didn't think you two were... y’know, compatible!"

Strong Sad and Homestar exchanged confused looks.

"I mean, I didn't think either of you... swung in that direction," Strong Bad clarified through a fake cough.

Strong Sad shifted on his feet, twirling his toe against the dirt. "Well, uh, truth is, Strong Bad, I've kinda been... thinking about this for years."

He looked at Homestar, who gave him a warm, reassuring nod. "I thought I might've been a little bit bi-curious. And... Homestar always sort of caught my eye, I guess. I don’t know what it was about him, but I finally worked up the courage to ask him out only recently."

Strong Bad cringed at that. Not at Strong Sad being into dudes; he'd seen that coming a mile away, but at Strong Sad's typically sappy choice of words to express it. He turned to Homestar, still trying to hold some logical foothold.

"And what about Marzipan? How's she gonna take it?"

For the first time that night, Homestar's serene demeanor faltered, a look of bitterness etched itself onto his face. "Oh. Me and her? That's ancient history," he said, his tone edged with a hint of resentment before mellowing again. “I already told her, and for what it's worth, she's pretty supportive of us! I was just waiting on Strong Sad to fill you in!"

Strong Bad merely stared at the two of them. This was too much information all at once. How had he missed this? Marzipan was just... fine with Homestar leaving her for someone else? Someone who also happened to be a dude? Marzipan was cool with Homestar going out with other dudes? I mean, she did go out with The Cheat that one time… So maybe it just isn’t all that out of the ordinary for her? 

"Okay, so let me get this straight…” Strong Bad threw his hands up. “You decided to willingly rebound with my sad, mopey little brother? No coercion, blackmail, out-of-pity, or nothin'?"

"Nope! It was love at the thousandth sight!” Homestar answered without hesitation, flashing his signature wide grin as he casually leaned against Strong Sad again. The latter’s cheeks flushed a faint pink, but didn't shy away from the contact. Their shameless PDA only fueled Strong Bad’s unsettledness.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He didn't dare believe it. After all these years, after rolling his eyes so many times at Strong Sad's fatal attempts at trying to make at least one real friend in his lifetime... let alone get a date, had it really finally worked? Had Strong Sad finally found a gesture that won the heart of another living, breathing person?

That person being... Homestar Runner...

Strong Bad's eye twitched. He clenched his fists. "Well—I... I FORBID IT!" he barked. "No brother of mine's gonna dive into some reckless, doomed-to-fail relationship without running it by me first! You two are breaking up. Right now!"

“You can’t just do that!” Strong Sad scolded, mustering every ounce of dramatic flair he could manage. "You can't stop our love!"

"Yeah!" Homestar piped, stepping protectively in front of his lover. "What he said! What gives you the right to tell us what to do, huh?! Just because you're his bro, doesn't mean you get to go bossin' us around, bro!"

Strong Bad's glare intensified, and for a moment, he opened his mouth to argue back, but immediately clamped it shut, feeling suddenly out of his depth and outmatched. Normally, Strong Sad, and to a greater extent, Homestar, would've crumbled under Strong Bad's pressure and submitted, but here they were, not doing that. The sight was leaving Strong Bad feeling the edges of his carefully constructed authority begin to crack. 

But he wasn't going to back down that easily.

"The right? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT GIVES ME THE RIGHT!" Strong Bad snapped. "Because I KNOW you two! Do you even have the slightest clue what you're getting into, Sad? How do you know you’re not just a stupid rebound, huh? What's stopping Homestar from dumping you for that hippie the second he gets bored of you and the opportunity presents itself? You KNOW Homestar is incapable of stable relationship-have! You're just... setting yourself up for failure! One of these days It's gonna crash and burn, and who's gonna have to pick up the pieces? ME! That's who!"

Homestar furrowed his brow. "Hey! You need to watch what you say, buddy! I am totally capable of relationship-have! You’re just acting real unbrotherly right now!"

Strong Bad's face felt hot with anger. He clenched his fists tighter, his voice low and tight.

"Unbrotherly? UnBROTHERLY?! You want to talk about being UNBROTHERLY? How about sneaking around behind my back like a couple of rebellious teenage girls?! Did you actually expect me to be all peachy about the fact that my idiot brother suddenly decided to start going out with my arch-nemesis out of nowhere and neither of you had the guts to TELL ME?! Instead, you're making me FIND OUT?! Seriously, what do you think this is? Some cheesy soap opera where the sensitive underdog and the goofy idiot team up to prove everyone wrong? Well, newsflash, LOVE BIRDS, life isn't some mushy-wushy love story! It's messy, it's brutal, and, spoiler alert, it doesn't work out for losers like you! If you seriously believe I'm just going to stand idly by and watch this idiotic arrangement happen, you're sorely mistaken!"

"Seems to me that the only one being idiotic right now is you, Strong Bad!" Homestar argued back, holding his ground. "We didn't want to hide it from you, but you're kinda makin' it real clear why we did!"

"Oh, oh-ho-ho, so now I'm the bad guy here, huh? Y'know, Homestar, I thought you and I were bros! I thought you were supposed to be—"

"STRONG BAD! THAT IS ENOUGH!" Strong Sad loudly interrupted Strong Bad mid-quarrel.

"I'm sick of you acting like you have some kind of authority over my life! You’re not the boss of me, and you never were! I’m my own person, and I can make my own decisions! The reason I didn't want to tell you was because... because I was scared, alright!? I knew you'd react like… like this. You always do! I knew that if you knew, I would never hear the end of it. You’d spread it around to everyone and use it to tear me down and make me miserable. I thought that it’d be better for all of us if you… if you just didn’t know. Okay? For once in my life I've found something…—someone who makes me feel like I matter, like I'm worth something. Do you have any idea how rare that is for me? How long I've been waiting for something like that to happen?”

Strong Bad opened his mouth to interject, but Strong Sad wasn’t done.

”You think the world revolves around you and what you think because you’re some big hotshot online, but for once this isn't about you! And I'm not going to let you ruin the one good thing I've got because you’re jealous and you hate seeing me happy! Not this time!”

Strong Sad huffed, and stared at the floor for a moment. Everyone was silent.

Now normally, Strong Bad wouldn't give a rat’s ass. He would've thrived in a moment like this. He would've continued to argue, to mock, to crush spirits; it was in character for him, in his nature to do so. But right now he didn’t have a single word. His mind was a blank slate, and for the first time in as long as he could remember, he felt like a complete idiot. He’d dug too deep, pried too hard, and was now floundering in waters he wasn't equipped to deal with. Strong Sad and Homestar continued to talk, but their voices at that point had become total white noise, hums slipping into one ear and out the other.

”I..." he muttered, trying to speak, to say anything. But the words clung stubbornly to the back of his throat, refusing to form.

A strange, alien feeling was now beginning to dwell in the pits of his stomach, and no matter how hard he tried to shove it aside, it refused to budge. He couldn't pin down what it was. Embarrassment? Regret? A sense of betrayal? A bitter cocktail of all three? Whatever it was, it was clawing at him like an amphetamine-fueled chimp. And he hated it. He hated whatever this feeling was. What this night had transpired into. How it was going to affect the status quo, his life… their lives.

"Uh, Strong Bad?" Homestar's voice finally cut through the fog. "Are you alright?"

Strong Bad realized he had been staring off into space, lost a hundred miles away. He blinked, and found the two of them. Strong Sad and Homestar, together, staring right back at him.

It felt wrong. All of this felt wrong. So, so terribly wrong. He felt himself slowly backpedaling from Homestar's front door.

"I—I gotta go," he simply said, the words tumbling from his mouth before he could even think. He didn't care how pathetic he sounded, or that he had just lost the argument. All he knew was that he needed to get out of there now before things took an even uglier turn.

Without another word, Strong Bad turned on his heel and bolted away from Homestar's house with his tail between his legs, not looking back for even a second. Their concerned voices called out behind him, but he didn't stop. And before he knew it, he was already several feet away.

"...Uh-oh." Homestar, to his credit, seemed to have only now fully grasped what had just happened, and he had the sense of mind to look remorseful for it. "We might've broken him."

Strong Sad didn't respond, he merely gazed at the spot where his brother had disappeared.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Strong Bad burst through the front door, gasping for air, the muscles in his legs burned from the half-mile sprint home. He leaned against the doorframe, trying to steady his breath, The pounding in his ears was so intense that it nearly drowned out all the thoughts racing in his head. Nearly. Everything felt like a blur, and by the time he stumbled into the safety of his bedroom, he was drenched in sweat and thoroughly exhausted.

With a loud thud, Strong Bad slammed his door shut, tossed his sunglasses onto the desk, and planted face-first into what little room the tangled heap of clothes scattered across his bed had. A low, guttural groan tore from his throat. This wasn't like him, he rarely ever went to his bed to wallow. Normally, if he needed to vent his frustrations, he'd drown himself for hours in video games. But right now, he felt like he had nothing left. No energy. No will to do anything except collapse onto his bed and stare at the ceiling.

Just sleep it off, man, he told himself. Forget about all this nonsense.

But falling asleep was shaping up to be the hardest thing Strong Bad had ever attempted. He tossed, turned, flopped onto his back, and flailed dramatically as a bonus, but nothing worked. His mind was on an absolute rampage, flipping the same questions, the same arguments, the same what the heck just happened?! over and over like some kind of deranged gymnastics routine.

What am I even mad about? he thought to himself, eyes glaring daggers at the ceiling.

It wasn't adding up. None of it was. He never cared about Homestar's love life. And he had spent almost his entire life not caring about Strong Sad's, let alone his regular life. So why, in the name of all things most-likely-unawarely-closeted, did he suddenly care now? The more he stewed on it, the hotter his blood ran, simmering with confusion, irrational anger, and...and...and that feeling. That stupid, gnawing, unnameable feeling. What the crap WAS it?

Dragging his hands down his face, he tried to latch onto the first plausible excuse he could muster. "This is about the sneaking around," he decided aloud as if saying it made it true. "Yeah, that's gotta be it. He...They kept it a secret. From me."

He sat up, pointing up at the empty room like a prosecutor making his case. "Those two left me in the dark about something big, something I had every right to know about! I mean, what kind of brother does that? This is a big deal! I'm the one they should've told first!"

Strong Bad crossed his arms triumphantly, basking in the undeniable logic of his reasoning. But as the silence stretched on, his confidence started to waver. His arms uncrossed, and his triumphant posture slumped.

"...Okay, but would I have handled it any better if they had told me?" he grumbled.

The answer, unfortunately, was obvious. No, he wouldn't have. The turnout would still be the same, only with slight differences in the circumstances.

Great. So much for that excuse.

Shifting slightly, he stared at the wall, his mind racing. Maybe, just maybe...

...he was mad for a reason that was so terrible, so absurd, so unthinkable that he almost didn't want to admit it even to himself.

What if it was the fact that Strong Sad had scored a relationship before me?

That seemed like it could be the right answer. It made the most sense, and was certainly an easier solution to digest than the first one. Strong Bad, the self-proclaimed "ladies' man," the so-called chick magnet, the guy who couldn't go five minutes without bragging about all the girlfriends he could score if he really wanted to... had a grand total of zilch to show for it.

Meanwhile, Strong Sad, the guy Strong Bad had torn to shreds into oblivion since they were in cradles, had somehow managed to land something that was real.

That definitely had to be it. Strong Bad's brows furrowed over his closed eyes. He clung to this theory like a lifeline. This whole mess just wounded his ego. His stupid, wimpy, mopey younger brother had beaten him to the punch and succeeded whereas Strong Bad hadn't even been trying. It wasn't like Strong Bad was jealous or anything. Not even close. That would be ridiculous, downright embarrassing, even. 

He hadn't ever really pegged Strong Sad as someone interested in romance, anyway. Not that he thought Strong Sad lacked a sense of aesthetics or a soft spot for the beauty of dumb-animal-character nature or whatever, the whole concept of romantic love always just seemed like something he'd dismiss as not his thing. And Homestar of all people? That was the part that ruffled Strong Bad's feathers the most.

Out of everyone he could've possibly picked, why him? Why Homestar Runner? Strong Bad knew how Homestar behaved, how he practically pranced through life without a single clue in the world. He'd seen it all firsthand. Especially including the way Homestar handled the whole ordeal tonight. What on earth did Strong Sad even see in a guy like that? What could possibly make him fall for someone so... infuriatingly dumb and oblivious? What was it that made mopey ol' Strong Sad look at that oaf and say, "Yup, that's the one for me! That's the man of my dreams!"

Even worse... Strong Bad reeled. What did Homestar see in Strong Sad?

They'd hardly ever hung out, at least not in any way that Strong Bad would call close. Maybe they'd share a word or two here and there if they ended up in the same room, but it was always nothing compared to the way Homestar gravitated toward him. Every time Homestar showed up to their home or stumbled onto one of their many outings, uninvited and usually unannounced, it was always for him, for Strong Bad. NOT his wimpy little brother.

Strong Bad had always assumed that Homestar, like most people, didn't even care for Strong Sad that much. So, what changed? 

He and Homestar already had their dynamic all figured out. They playfully butted heads, constantly tried to one-up each other, Strong Bad standing squarely at the center of attention. And sure, maybe he didn't particularly enjoy Homestar invading his space all the time and getting under his skin, but that was just how it was. That was the way things worked, it was their thing, and it worked for them.

Their relationship was certainly better than whatever the mess Homestar had going on with Marzipan, so it doesn't make any sense that now, seemingly out of the blue, Homestar was willing to throw all that good potential away for someone else. And not just anyone, STRONG SAD. What chemistry did those two suddenly have? What did Strong Sad have that Strong Bad didn't? If Homestar found something in Strong Sad worth liking, worth loving, then what did that say about Strong Bad? Was he less likable? Less lovable? Less... whatever Homestar apparently liked?

It felt... like Homestar just being Homestar. But still extremely unfair, like a stab in the back. If Homestar were to fall for anybody, it should've been for him. Right?

Not that he cared about that or anything.

Homestar and Strong Sad were free to date whoever they wanted, even if that included people Strong Bad didn't particularly approve of. He couldn't dictate their lives, even if he wished he could. And if the two of them were genuinely interested in a romantic relationship, then honestly, he should feel relieved that he would have to put up with Homestar's nonsense less often, right? Because now it would be Strong Sad fielding it for a change. It was practically a win-win in Strong Bad's book. He would just have to get used to this new setup, and step out of a twenty-year-old comfort zone. It wasn't like they'd even last. Strong Sad and Homestar were polar opposites. One was bound to tick the other off sooner or later. Their so-called "relationship" would inevitably come crashing down. And when it did, everything would go back to normal. Strong Sad would return to being his depressed, lonely self, and Homestar would go back to his rightful place: as Strong Bad's favorite punching bag.

...And maybe then, just maybe, Homestar would finally realize what he was missing. He'd stop wasting his time with all these nobodies, take a good hard look at Strong Bad, and... wait a minute—WhoawhoaWHOA! Strong Bad froze mid-thought, his eyes opening wide. We are stopping that train of thought RIGHT HERE! No way was he about to sit around entertaining... whatever that was!

"What is going ON with me tonight?!" He said, leaping off his bed and frantically beginning to pace across his room. "Errrgh! Stupid Strong Sad and his stupid face..." He sputtered, grabbing onto the sides of his face with his gloves. "This is all his fault! I REFUSE to let this get to me!"

He then froze mid-step, a horrified expression etching across his face as a sudden realization started settling in. No.. It couldn't be... He... wasn't... into Homestar, was he? No. No, absolutely not! That's ridiculous! Outrageous! That goes against everything Strong Bad believed in, everything he set up for himself! It couldn't be... He couldn't... 

With a shake of his head, he tried to rattle the idea loose. "No, no, no! Homestar's an annoying, bumbling idiot whom I loathe with every ounce of my being! Strong Sad can have him for all I care! One less moron for me to deal with!"

Except, of course, for that one small, inconsequential detail. You know, the part where he spent the whole month spiraling into a frenzy over Strong Sad's "big secret," followed by needlessly storming off like a toddler denied a cookie the second he discovered the truth. But ignoring all that, everything was totally fine! Definitely solved! Wrapped up in a neat little bow!

"Hey, listen here, wise-guy! I enjoy Homestar's company the same way I enjoy watching paint dry!" He insisted, trying to sound sure. "Just like I do with everybody else around here."

Right, right. So, if hanging out with Homestar got swapped out for a day with, say, Coach Z or the Poopsmith, you'd be just as thrilled?

Strong Bad softened up and grumbled. "Okay, fine, when you put it that way, there's... a sliiight difference." He awkwardly began to fidget. "Maybe I don't mind his company THAT much. I mean... it's... less lonely. And who else is gonna ominously loom over my shoulder waiting to get pummeled on the fly? Doesn't mean I LOVE him!"

Oh, for sure. You don't "love" him; you're just—mildly obsessed with him, thinking about him way more than necessary. Totally not love.

"W—What? No! Who said anything about anyone being obsessed?! I'm not obsessed! Quit putting words in my mouth, you creep! Who even are you?!"

So you're not obsessed and you're not in love. Just in some unexplainable state that's identical to both of those things in every conceivable way. And, of course, salty over the fact someone you least expected took the chance before you even knew you wanted it. Makes total sense. Oh, by the way, I discovered a new species of bird! It waddles like a goose, honks like a goose, and can even mate with other geese! I'm calling it the "Definitely-Not-a-Goose!" Can't wait for the Free Country Zoological Society to recognize it!

"OH SHUT IT UP!!!" Strong Bad's angry voice echoed off the walls of his empty room, glaring at the ceiling. But then, realizing his breaking of the fourth wall was essentially himself arguing with himself, fell into an embarrassed silence. And with a frustrated sigh, he sat on the edge of his bed. "I'm losing myself, man, I'm really losing it." 

Could that really be it? Could all this mental anguish actually be about who Strong Sad was seeing, not just the fact that he was seeing anyone at all? Did seeing Homestar in a brand new, honest-to-goodness relationship, one that wasn't his on-again-off-again thing with Marzipan, shatter his long-held belief that Homestar lacked any real romantic depth, and bring this potential attraction to the surface? 

Warning bells began to go off in Strong Bad's head, and he began to feel nauseous again. This was bad. Really bad. He suddenly wasn't so sure he liked where this train of thought was going. Strong Bad wasn't into dudes, he was sure of it! Absolutely, unequivocally sure! He didn't have crushes, he had commanding presences. He was a ladykiller! An icon of suave machismo! The guy women wanted and men wanted to be! Or, uh, that's how he liked to perceive himself anyway. There had to be SOME kind of alternative explanation. Something that didn't involve him having to question his view of himself. At least any longer than he already was.

Had he ever really stopped to think about it, though? No, no of course not! Why would he? His entire life philosophy revolved around one unshakable truth: Strong Bad is cool, and everyone else is a lame moron. There wasn’t room in that grand, egotistical structure for trivial things like introspection or—heaven forbid—feelings. Especially not for lowlifes like Homestar Runner, barf.

But, however, over the years, Strong Bad and Homestar's relationship had shifted, gradually and subtly, until it was almost unrecognizable from what it used to be. Gone were the days of their simple, competitive "enemyship" of years past. He'd grown accustomed to Homestar's presence after years of orbiting each other for what felt like half their lives, the lines between rivalry and familiarity had blurred in ways Strong Bad couldn’t quite put into words. It wasn’t that Strong Bad would go so far as to call Homestar a friend—that would require admitting a level of emotional investment he wasn’t quite ready for. But Homestar wasn’t just another random weirdo in Free Country, USA. He was... well, he was the Homestar Runner! A constant whom everyone loved and adored! It was hard to imagine life without him always being within shouting and throwing-things-at distance.

When you've been sharing space with somebody for as long as they have, something was bound to brew beneath the surface eventually, romantically, platonically, or whatnot. And as much as Strong Bad liked to smother any positive feelings he may have for the athlete, an attraction was there. A base-level, physical, maybe a little sexual attraction at least.

Homestar wasn't ugly, even if Strong Bad liked to tease him as such. He hated that he knew this, hated it even more that he couldn't un-know it. He was weird-looking, yes, with those long, gangly legs, that goofy underbite, that atrocious outfit, and that freakish ability to manipulate objects without hands or arms. But against all odds, Homestar managed to make his quirks work. And compared to the ragtag bunch that called Free Country USA home, he was certainly one of the better-looking residents. And it didn't even stop at just looks. Homestar's personality, which was something that Strong Bad had been picking apart for years, had its appeal as well. His dimwittedness and optimistic thrill-seeking seemed to compliment Strong Bad's brash and arrogance almost to a tea. They completed each other, each mitigating the flaws of the other. Was Homestar annoying? Absolutely. Was he impossible to endure for more than five minutes without wanting to tie him to a rocket and launch him into the stratosphere? Of course. Could he push every single one of Strong Bad's buttons with laser-guided precision until someone ended up with a cartoonish black eye? Without question.

But despite all that, or maybe because of it, there was something magnetic about him. Something maddening, nauseating, and soul-shatteringly uncomfortable. But most of all, something enticing... alluring, addictive, dare I say, attractive...

Strong Bad let out a strangled noise that could only be described as the unholy offspring of a gasp and a gag. Enticing? Alluring? Attractive? SEXUAL?

"Oh no," he muttered into the oppressive silence of his room. 

"I fell in love with HOMESTAR."

He threw himself backward on the bed. "And STRONG SAD got to him first."

That gutwrenching alien feeling from before came back, this time sucker-punching him right in the nards. And he might've just figured out what it was. It wasn't confusion, regular, run-of-the-mill anger, or jealousy. It was heartbreak. And not even the cool, cinematic kind of heartbreak, where someone cheats on you or you lose out in a dramatic love triangle complete with swelling orchestral music and stormy scenes of someone running in the rain screaming "Wait! Don't go!" Nope. This was the bargain-bin, straight-to-DVD variety. Plain, pathetic, vanilla-flavored: unrequited love. The most boring, uninspired kind of heartbreak imaginable.

A bitter laugh forced its way out of his throat, harsh and humorless. "Great. Just great. Maybe I should start writing angsty poetry, too. Maybe I'll buy some turtlenecks, grow my hair out, and start listening to sad indie folk music." He then clutched his chest in agony. "Oh, who am I kidding?! This is TERRIBLE! My dignity! My street-cred! My life's purpose! All gone! It's over! It truly is OVER! Someone call the Poopsmith and tell him to dig me a nice Strong Bad-shaped hole! Make it extra deep, 'cause I'm not gonna be crawling out of this one!"

Strong Bad reached into the messy pile on his bed and yanked a blanket free, draping it over himself before curling up on his side into a ball of self-pity. Wanting nothing more than to fall asleep at this point. For a moment, he was almost convinced that he could bury the whole ordeal somewhere deep, in the farthest recesses of his mind where even he wouldn’t be able to dig it back up. But he knew he couldn’t escape this. Not when he knew having to face Strong Sad again was inevitable. Not when he could already picture Homestar barging in first thing tomorrow morning and acting like nothing had happened and everything was fine and dandy again. 

So now what? Was he supposed to march back over there and pour his stupid little heart out? Oh yeah, that'd go over REAL smooth. 'Hey Homestar, I know you're in a committed relationship, but remember all those times I would humiliate you in front of the whole town and call you a worthless waste of space? Well, turns out this whole time that was actually me expressing my undying love to you, and I'd like to make out with you right now!' That'd definitely win him some brownie points. And possibly a restraining order. 

Not like anyone would think it was real anyway. They'd all assume it was some petty attempt to mess things up more out of spite. Which—okay, let's be honest, it totally would've been... if these feelings weren't 100% REAL AND CURRENTLY TURNING HIS BRAIN INTO MUSH. And let's not forget everything he'd already said and done tonight. The yelling, the finger-pointing, the needlessly over-the-top emotional damage—he'd managed to cram an entire soap opera's worth of melodrama into one evening. What else is there to do? Tag on a last-minute confession just to really drive the train off the rails? Sure, Strong Sad would love that. Heck, he'd probably write a poem about it. Title it something like "Ode to the Jerk Who Should've Stayed in His Lane."

Strong Bad wasn't sure how he was going to handle this mess tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that. But he did know one thing for sure.

He should've stayed ignorant. Cuz' it isn't just bliss, it's a big ol' kick in the pants that'll haunt you for a lifetime.