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Two months after their breakup, Tommy’s phone flashes with Evan’s contact for the first time.
It feels almost cruel, the way Tommy gets no warning before seeing Evan’s dimpled smile light up his screen. He aches with the loss, the cowardice, the regret. He sees Evan’s beautiful face and he wants to beg for forgiveness.
It’s around 7pm: too late for a casual conversation, too early for a booty call. Tommy is old enough that he remembers a time when it was considered rude to call someone when they might be eating dinner. He remembers his father yelling about respect, his mother shrinking into herself at the sound of the ring. Plates shattering, doors slamming and, somehow, the loudest part of it all being the quiet swish of a broom against linoleum cutting through the tense silence.
That was a long time ago. It should feel like a long time ago by now. Sometimes it feels like yesterday.
Tommy lets the call go to the third ring before he answers.
“Hey,” he says, trying his best to sound casual.
“Hey Tommy.” Evan sounds worn down, defeated. He sounds like he’s in the fourth round of a fight and is losing badly. “Do you, uh, do you have a minute?”
I’d give you any minute you asked for, Tommy thinks. Every minute if I wasn’t such a fucking-
“Yeah, sure. What’s up?”
“Listen, uh, Eddie- Eddie’s moving. He’s going back to Texas. Chris won’t come back so he’s- he’s going to be closer to his son. Doesn’t want to keep missing big moments, you know? So- so, uh, we’re having a going away party for him on Friday. You’re invited.”
“Oh,” Tommy breathes, his mind racing. Another loss for both of them. “Oh, that’s- wow. Are- are you okay?”
Evan huffs. “You know, you’re the first person to ask me that.”
That can't be true. In Evan's entire extensive support network, no one has asked him how he's handling his best friend moving out of state?
“That’s a surprise. You sound awful.”
“Uh, thanks?”
“Sorry,” Tommy winces. “Too blunt?”
“No, uh, I- I appreciate the honesty, actually. I always-“ Evan clears his throat. “Anyway, no. I’m not okay. Not, uh, not really even a little. But I’m trying to not make this about me. I know Chris comes first. Chris should always come first. I just- I really thought…” Evan trails off with a bitter laugh.
“You really thought what?” Tommy asks.
“Nothing, it’s- nevermind.”
“Evan,” Tommy says seriously. He doesn’t second-guess himself. He doesn’t want the emotional distance that saying ‘Buck’ would create. He wants to talk to Evan.
Another bitter laugh. It’s not a sound that Tommy has ever heard from Evan before tonight. It’s mean and self-deprecating in a way Tommy has never known Evan to be.
There’s a pause, and then Evan’s voice comes across the line small and wobbly and thick. “I thought he was the one person who’d never leave me.”
“Oh,” Tommy manages. “Evan, I’m so sor-“
“No, no, I don’t want an apology.” Evan’s voice is hard now; determined. “That’s not- that’s not why I called. I’m not trying to make you feel- this isn’t about that. I mean, it is a little, as like a background- but this is its own thing. Eddie is- I mean, you know. Eddie is... fuck, just- will you come? To Eddie’s party? Please.”
How could Tommy say no? He should. He shouldn’t let himself give into this, into Evan. He knows going to this party will hurt—not just because he’ll see Evan, but because he’ll see the whole 118 doing what they do best: coming together as a family to support one of their own. The bitter taste of a twice-over almost will ache like a son of a bitch. But Evan is asking, and he sounds so broken by this that Tommy could cry. So how could he even think about saying no?
“Of course,” Tommy promises. “Text me the details. I’ll be there.”
“Thank you,” Evan whispers.
He sounds devastated and relieved at the same time. Tommy wants to reach through the phone and hold Evan in his arms. He wants to sprain Eddie’s ankle himself this time so he can’t go anywhere—so Evan will stop feeling this way. He wants everything to be so easily fixable. He wants it to be his responsibility again.
Tommy doesn’t know what to say besides I’m so sorry I made a mistake I need you I miss you I love you my life feels so empty and colorless and pointless without you, so it’s probably for the best that Evan just hangs up without a goodbye.
Tommy sinks straight to the floor and cries. He’s been doing that a lot lately. He feels more broken than he ever has.
———
Tommy shows up to the party with cupcakes in one hand and a six pack of craft beer in another.
He isn't sure why he's here. He hasn’t been back to Eddie’s house since the breakup. He hasn’t been invited. Not that he’s surprised—Eddie was always going to take Evan’s side and Tommy doesn’t blame him one bit. He wouldn’t take his side either.
He’s twenty minutes late. He’d been circling the block for thirty. Judging by the number of familiar cars parked on the street, he's the last one to arrive. But he's here now.
He knocks on the door. Evan opens it. His expression turns from wary to delighted when he sees Tommy. It hurts almost more than if he was disappointed. Tommy remembers that expression; has seen a door swing open to reveal it so many times. No one has ever been happy to see him quite like Evan. Probably no one ever will be again. Evan has always seen more in Tommy than anyone else has; more than he deserves. Tommy's mistake was ever letting himself indulge in it. He'd never live up to it, no matter how desperately he wants to. He wants every door he opens for the rest of his life to have Evan on the other side.
"Hey," Evan says breathlessly. "You- you're here."
"Of course," Tommy says. He tries for casual, even playful, but he's not sure he hits the mark. Evan is still so beautiful. "You invited me, remember?"
"Y-yeah, yeah. Come in." Something complicated passes over Evan's face as he makes room for Tommy to enter Eddie's house.
As expected, the whole 118 extended family is there. Eyes slide to him, widen, then slide away with gossip-hungry smiles. It's not like a hush falls over the room but there are definitely more people whispering than there were a moment ago. Tommy expected as much. He expected more, honestly, but the night isn't over yet. There’s still time for this to go south.
Evan corrals him towards the kitchen. He takes one of his own beers and puts the rest into the depressingly empty fridge. He puts his store bought cupcakes next to the frankly absurd assortment of homemade baked goods spread out on Eddie's kitchen table—so many cakes and cookies and pies and loaves that it looks like someone robbed a bakery.
Tommy doesn't remember Eddie being a dessert guy. He raises an eyebrow at Evan in question. Evan just blushes and stutters out something about everyone bringing something and not coordinating beforehand: an explanation that would sound plausible if it wasn't so obvious that Evan was trying to lie. Tommy has no idea what that's about. As much as he wants to pry he doesn't feel like he's allowed to anymore.
He nods and lets it pass but the sight of those pink cheeks stops Tommy's breath. Adorable. Evan is still adorable. For all that has changed in the last two months, that much hasn't. Tommy doubts it ever will. One day, Evan will be wrinkled and grey and still the most adorable thing in any room.
"Tommy!" Eddie calls out as he enters the kitchen. He pulls Tommy into a hug and slaps him on the back. "My man! I told Buck you'd show up."
"Eddie!" Evan squawks; his cheeks going even pinker, even more adorable.
Eddie is pretty flushed too, in that way that Tommy has seen him after a few too many drinks. His smile is genuine but exaggerated, straining at the edges. No one is handling Eddie leaving very well, it seems—not even Eddie.
It’s been so long. Tommy wonders when Eddie shaved the mustache. He wonders why—why he even grew it in the first place, and why he shaved it off again. He wonders if he’ll ever get the chance to find out.
"Wouldn't miss the chance to see you off," Tommy says, half honest, as he hugs back.
"Mhmm," Eddie hums knowingly. He still has one arm wrapped around Tommy's waist but he pulls back to point at Tommy with one finger. The beer he's holding with his other four fingers sloshes worryingly close to the top of the bottle. "Listen, I have some stuff I'm not taking with me to El Paso. Do you think your buddy with the secondhand store would take it?"
"Ah, now I see why I was invited," Tommy jokes. "You just want me for my connections."
Eddie puts his hands up with a smile. "You caught me."
Tommy laughs. "Yeah, I'll call him tomorrow. Should be tax-deductible, too."
"My man." Eddie slaps him on the back again and steps away. "Buck and Ravi are handling the house stuff so work it out with them. I'm renting the place out, you know, just in case."
"But... you don't want your stuff to be here in case you come back?" Tommy asks.
Eddie's eyes flick over to Evan and his smile falters for a just a moment before the happy mask slips back into place. "Nah, better to just get new stuff at that point. Chris is a teenager now, he'll have an opinion on everything. You know how it is."
Tommy holds eye contact and nods. They both know Eddie isn't coming back. He's only pretending like he might for Evan's sake. Eddie is begging Tommy not to call him out on it.
"Teenagers, yeah," Tommy agrees. "I'll let you know what he says."
"Thanks, Tommy," Eddie says. He gestures to the baked goods almost overflowing his table. "Hey, try some of this stuff. Try all of it, actually. It's all fantastic. Buck's a master baker now."
Tommy runs that back in his head to make sure he heard that right. Baker.
He turns to Evan, impressed. "You made all of this?"
"Y-yeah," Evan stutters, caught in his obvious lie from mere moments ago. "I've been, uh, I've been baking a lot since- well, for the last few months. Kind of obsessively, a-actually." He gestures to the assortment of things on the table.
Tommy doesn't know what to do with that, so he leans over the table and picks up the first thing he can reach: a slice of pumpkin loaf with cream cheese frosting. He takes a bite and moans at the taste. Fuck, this kid is talented.
"Evan," he says around a mouthful of pumpkin. "This is amazing."
"Yeah? You think so?" Evan's big eyes go wider, more hopeful.
Tommy swallows and nods. "Yeah. If this whole firefighting thing doesn't work out, you have a real future in baking."
Evan laughs and ducks his head. "I'll, uh, I'll keep that in mind. You're the authority on baked goods, so..."
"Oh, I'm hardly an authority. Just an enthusiast." Tommy takes a snickerdoodle and smiles in a way he hopes Evan finds reassuring.
Evan smiles back and Eddie clears his throat; breaking the spell. It's so easy to fall back into this banter with Evan, this teasing back-and-forth. It’s dangerous.
"I'm gonna get back to my guests," Eddie says.
"Oh, we probably should too," Evan says, gesturing to between himself and Tommy. As if they’re a unit again. As if he still wants them to be.
Tommy nods, even though the last thing he wants to do is face Evan's family.
Eddie's eyes sparkle with mirth as he leads them out through the dining room into the living room. Tommy thinks Evan might’ve had a little encouragement from Eddie when he was deciding whether or not to invite Tommy. He doesn't know what to do with that.
Tommy spends the next hour and a half mingling. Bobby says it's good to see him in that earnest, fatherly way. Hen chastises him for not getting stitches in a deep wound that's still healing on his arm. Jee-Yun, Mara, and Denny chase each other around the house while Howie excitedly tells Tommy about Maddie's second pregnancy.
Tommy keeps expecting someone to say something passive-aggressive to him, maybe even to yell at him for hurting one of their own. They’d have every right to circle the wagons and keep him on the outside. But no one does. Everyone is welcoming. Everyone seems to accept his presence easily, once they got over their initial surprise. They’re treating him like he never left. He doesn't know what to do with that either.
No one asks, no one even hints at anything, but Tommy can see plain on their faces what they're all wondering. Why else would Tommy be here? He and Eddie weren't close enough for long enough for a two month absence to be just a blip in an otherwise rock-solid friendship.
They're not wrong about that. Of course Tommy is here for Evan. Evan asked him to show up somewhere so he did. It's not any more complicated than that, even though it is.
It's too cozy, too good; too tempting to let himself believe that these people actually want him here. That they actually care about him. Tommy can't let himself sink into it again. It's easier to untangle himself on his own terms than to wait to be ripped out.
But god, does it feel good to be back in their circle of warmth. It's like being wrapped up in a soft blanket and sitting in front of the fire after a long life spent out in the cold.
The spark of warmth swirling in his chest is only fueled by the fact that Evan barely leaves his side all night. The few times he does, Tommy catches his eye from across the room too many times for it to be a coincidence. Neither of them can stop leaning into each other, looking at each other, laughing with each other. Tommy thinks it should hurt but it doesn’t. For the first time in months, Tommy actually feels good.
It’s forming a whirlpool, the way they’re circling each other again. Tommy knows he won’t survive getting pulled down and spat out. Tommy can’t stop himself from steering right towards it anyway. The current is too strong. Tommy is too weak.
Enjoy it while it lasts, he tells himself. Bask tonight, ache tomorrow. That’s what he’s always done.
The party is a bittersweet hurricane of familial warmth, and Eddie is the eye. He's laughing long and loud, slapping backs, wrapping his arm around everyone's shoulders. He's playing with the kids and telling the adults funny stories with big smiles and wide, expressive eyes. He's the perfect image of guy we're going to remember fondly. Tommy is impressed. Tommy is horrified. Tommy sees a mirror and wonders if anyone else has noticed how close it is to cracking.
Evan, on the other hand, is transparently a wreck. When he's not pressing his arm against Tommy's like he needs the touch to stay upright, he's flitting around the house like a nervous hostess: refilling people's drinks, passing out baked goods, cleaning up empties. Tommy gets flashes of his mom heading off a fight; exhausted from a week of double shifts but still playing the perfect housewife for his father’s horrible friends.
The corners of Evan’s mouth dip lower and lower as the night wears on. He has a harder and harder time turning them back up. Tommy feels the familiar urge to throw his body in between Evan and anything that wants to hurt him; including Tommy himself.
Then there's a toast. Howie clinks a fork against his glass of wine and kicks off a round of speeches. They're rousing, moving, uplifting, hilarious. Everyone has so much love for Eddie; even Maddie and Karen and the other people who don't work with him every day.
Evan goes last. He gets halfway through a speech about transformative friendship, unconditional support, and finally finding a place where he felt like more than just a guest in someone else's house before he bursts into choking tears. He doesn't recover.
"I'm sorry," he squeaks out, and makes a beeline for the back door.
Tommy follows him before he even knows he's moving. This is why he’s here.
Evan is on Eddie's back porch, pressing his face into the stucco wall of the house and sobbing. Tommy doesn't know what he's allowed to do, how much he's allowed to help. He lays a hand gently between Evan's shoulderblades and rubs back and forth.
Evan turns and throws himself against Tommy; those strong arms clinging desperately to Tommy's body and that beautiful face tucked into its spot on Tommy's shoulder. Evan shakes. Tommy keeps him upright.
This is why he’s here.
The ache in Tommy's chest is deep and complicated. All he's wanted for the last two months was to have Evan back in his arms, but not like this. Not because Evan is in such agony.
He holds Evan tight and lets him cry. He doesn't try to shush him, doesn't offer any meaningless assurances that everything will be okay. He just holds him.
This is why he’s here.
"Everybody leaves me," Evan gasps between shaking sobs.
"It's not you," Tommy says softly; guilt like a heavy stone in his stomach. "Sometimes people just leave."
"No. There- there's something wrong with- with me."
The words rip through Tommy like a hot knife. That's how Tommy has always felt about himself, what he's always known about himself; what he's always been so terrified of others finding out about him, for one reason or another. That's not Evan. That's so far from Evan. This beautiful, impressive, incomparable man can't truly think that.
God, what has happened to Evan to put this idea in his head? Tommy is sure he didn’t help, but this much pain has to be from more than just one breakup. There's so much they don't know about each other.
"It's not you," Tommy repeats. "Evan, it's not you. You're- god, you're incredible. I've never met anyone like you."
Evan laughs that new, bitter laugh. "I can't even give- give a speech for my best friend with- without making a scene. Without ma-making it about me."
I’m trying not to make this about me, Evan had said when he told Tommy that Eddie was leaving. So that's what it is. People have told Evan that he needs to clamp down his emotions not because they make him weak—not for the reason that was beaten into Tommy—but because they make him selfish. And the last thing Evan ever wants to be is unkind, especially towards those he loves.
Evan is a lot of things—impulsive, stubborn, a bit lacking in introspection—but unkind isn't one of them. He's big-hearted and sweet. He lives for others. If Tommy knows Evan at all, he's been nothing but supportive and helpful from the moment Eddie made this decision, no matter how much doing so hurt Evan. That's probably why it's all coming out now. Tommy knows firsthand that you can only suppress your emotions for so long before they burst out of you; ugly and raw and unstoppable.
"Did you keep it together in front of him until now?" Tommy asks. Evan nods. "Did you have a few drinks tonight?" Evan nods again. "Have you been through a lot recently?" Evan nods again and takes a gasping breath; clinging to Tommy tighter. Tommy rubs a hand up and down Evan’s back. "Then I think you're allowed to hit a breaking point."
Evan shakes his head hard. "I can't- I can't be like this anymore. People don't want me."
"Evan, you have a whole house full of people right behind you who want you," Tommy says gently.
"Not enough to stay. Never enough. You- you wanted me, but not enough to stay."
Tommy's heart breaks all over again. That couldn't be further from the truth. Tommy would've stayed with him, done anything for him, gone anywhere Evan asked him to, if Tommy had been able to trust that along the way he wouldn't have to slowly watch the light leave Evan's eyes as he realized that Tommy wasn't good enough for him; not the other way around.
At least, that's what Tommy told himself when he broke up with Evan. That's what he's been telling himself since. It's happened before. He's been a gentle first and a sneered-at wannabe last. Why wouldn't it happen again? Evan is great—better than anyone else Tommy has ever been with before—so why wouldn't he throw Tommy over once he learned what a broken coward Tommy really is? Lesser men have.
But Tommy wasn't lying when he said he's never met anyone like Evan before. Evan is great—better than anyone else Tommy has ever been with before—and now, holding Evan close again, feeling the warmth of his body and the terrifying soothing rightness that has settled deep in Tommy's chest again, he wonders if maybe things would have been different with Evan.
Maybe they still can be. Maybe it's not too late. Tommy keeps finding his way back to this family. This family keeps inviting him back in with open arms. Maybe it's time for Tommy to stop keeping himself out in the cold.
Tommy didn't need to be invited to this party. If Eddie had left for Texas without saying goodbye, Tommy would have understood. It would've even made sense. But Evan made the choice to invite him here tonight. Evan wanted that. Tommy showed Evan his worst side—his cowardice, his tendency to cut his losses before they happen, the shame and self-hatred that lives down so deep inside of him he might never be able to scoop it all out—and Evan invited him here anyway. Tommy hurt Evan, and Evan still wanted to see him again. He trusted Tommy to keep him upright on one of the hardest nights of his life. He trusts him now to hold him while he cries about his own insecurities.
There’s only one thing to conclude from that: Evan still wants him. After everything Tommy put him through, Evan still wants him.
Tommy still wants Evan, too. He never stopped. He wants this, all of this: this family, this life, this big-hearted man clutching at his shirt and shaking apart in his arms. Evan has his claws in deep, and Tommy can't keep pretending like it's better for them both if he lets go. It's hurting them more than he can continue to justify.
Why be apart when we could be together? Evan had said that night. He'd sounded so naive to Tommy at the time—so new—but Tommy gets it now. He wants to be the one who Evan calls during the good times and the bad. He wants to stand next to Evan and keep him steady when he needs someone to lean on. And he wants to let himself trust that Evan will do the same for him.
He’ll have to let Evan see how dark it is inside of him; how jagged his edges are and how bad his memories are. He’ll have to tell Evan about his father—really tell him, not just make oblique comparisons to a homophobic captain. He’ll have to cut himself open and let Evan root around inside. He’ll have to trust that even if Evan flinches at what he finds, he’ll still stay and help Tommy sew himself back together. If anyone can handle that, it’s Evan.
Tommy will have to be brave. This is why he’s here.
"I'm so sorry, sweetheart," Tommy whispers. "It's not that I don't want you. I want you so much it terrifies me. But, historically, I'm not someone who people want to keep either. You asked me to move in and I just.." he takes a deep breath. "I saw it all blowing up once you finally realized that I’m all… duct tape and gum inside. I’m not put together, I’m not… brave. I was just so scared that you’d leave me once you saw how broken I am. I didn't think you'd want me once you did. No one ever does. But Evan, I've never wanted anything as much as I want you. As much as I still want you."
Evan's breath hitches a few times as his sobs come to a stop. "Tommy..."
"Sometimes people leave," Tommy says, bringing a hand up to the back of Evan's head. "But sometimes they come back. Sometimes they can't stay away."
"Please don't lie to me right now." Evan's voice is small and weak. "Not you. Not about this."
"I've never lied to you, Evan. I've avoided a lot of important conversations, but I've never lied to you. I mean it."
Evan is quiet for a moment; thinking, processing. Tommy lets him.
"Are you going to leave again?" he asks.
Tommy turns his head and presses a kiss to Evan's temple. It feels so good to have Evan's skin under his lips again. It feels like coming home. It feels like forever. It feels too good to walk away from again.
"No, sweetheart," he promises. "I might get scared again, and we'll definitely need to go a little slower this time, but I won't leave. Not until you ask me to."
"I won't ask you to," Evan says, quiet and sure. "I just want you here."
"Then I'm here," Tommy assures him. "I'm here."
———
They spend a few more minutes soaking each other in before Evan feels ready to go back inside. Nothing is fixed yet—there are still a lot of uncomfortable conversations they need to have—but it's a start. It’s a promise to try.
Eddie is waiting for them in the kitchen, pretending to rearrange the baked goods. He looks up when the door opens. The mask slips off his face entirely when he sees Evan; red-faced and splotchy and a little further back from the edge but still miserable. Eddie is a wreck, too.
"Come here," Eddie beckons in a choked voice.
Evan folds himself into Eddie's arms. He tucks his face into Eddie's neck the same way he did with Tommy, despite the few inches he has on Eddie. Eddie holds him tight.
"I'm sorry," Evan says. "I didn't mean to do that. This isn't about me. You're doing the right thing. You should be with Chris."
"I know. That doesn't make this any easier, though. I'm gonna miss you like hell. All those things you said in your speech- that's how I feel too. I've never had a friend like you before. Part of me wants to pack you in my suitcase and take you with me."
Evan laughs into Eddie's shoulder. "Part of me wants to let you."
"But we can't. You belong here. You have family here. You have people who love you." Eddie looks right at Tommy, who had been trying to sneak out of the kitchen to give them privacy. Tommy freezes in place with the force of Eddie's stare. "You have people who want you around. They'll let you lean on them when things get tough. They want you to. And hey," he gets a hand on Evan's shoulder to pull him back so he can force Evan to meet his eye. "I'm not leaving you, okay? I'm not. We picked out a three bedroom house for a reason, right? You give me like two hours' notice to wash the sheets and you can come over anytime you want."
"I don't need that. I'll sleep on the couch, Eddie, I'll sleep on your floor," Evan says earnestly. His hands curl into Eddie's shirt.
Eddie smiles. "I know you would, man. You have. But the things you've done for me, I can't... you've saved my life more than once, you know. Probably more times than you even realize. You've saved my son's life, too. The least I can do is give you a bed in a house you helped me pick out. You deserve that much. You deserve more than that. You deserve to be happy." Eddie's eyes flick back over to Tommy.
Tommy fidgets with his fingers. He feels like he shouldn't be here for this. Even if he and Evan are getting back together, it's such a private, intimate moment between him and Eddie. But Eddie is keeping Tommy here for a reason. He's telling Tommy that Evan is his responsibility now. The trust Eddie has in him even after he broke up with Evan is astounding. Tommy doesn't deserve it. Tommy will spend the rest of his life trying to live up to it.
Tommy nods at Eddie in recognition, in acceptance of this passing of the torch of sorts. Evan is an adult who can take care of himself, they both know this, but they also both know he deserves someone steady to lean on.
That's why Tommy is here tonight, after all.
Eddie smiles again—a sad, loose, slightly drunken thing—and looks back at Evan. He shifts his hands up to cup Evan's face, tilts it down, and presses a long, tender kiss to Evan's forehead. A tear makes its way down Eddie's cheek.
"I love you," Eddie says, tilting Evan's face back up and making Evan look him in the eye again. "You're my best friend. That's not gonna change just because we put a couple hundred miles between us, okay, Evan?"
Eddie emphasizes Evan's given name. Tommy has never heard Eddie call him anything but 'Buck' before, but the change seems to mean something to Evan.
Evan blinks hard against his tears and nods solemnly. "I know. I love you too. You and Chris, you're- you're my family."
"We are," Eddie agrees. "We always will be. I know you've had people leave and break promises to you before but this isn't a promise, okay? It's a threat. You're not getting rid of us."
Evan laughs gently, wetly. "Good. I, uh, I don't think I could handle it if I lost you forever."
"So I hear. That time I was trapped in that well, someone told me you tried to dig me out with your bare hands. Forty feet of dirt in the pouring rain, and I don't doubt for a second that you would've either done it or died trying if they’d let you." Eddie flicks his eyes over to Tommy again and then back to Evan. "Because you're loyal like that. Once you love someone, you don't care what they've done. You stick by them, whether they think they deserve it or not. You're something special. Anyone who lets you get away is an idiot."
"Eddie, stop." Evan smiles. "He's already taking me back."
Tommy wants to laugh at the absurdity of that. As if Evan isn’t the one generous enough to give Tommy a second chance. As if Evan did anything wrong besides maybe moving a little too fast and falling for the facade Tommy has spent his life making as believable as possible. As if Tommy could ever turn Evan away a second time.
"Oh thank god," Eddie says, dropping his head back in relief and shifting his hands back to Evan's shoulders. "I think the greater Los Angeles area would've run out of flour if this went on much longer."
Tommy puts the pieces together and points at the table still half-full of baked goods. "This was for me?"
"I'll explain later," Evan says, blushing. "We- we have a lot to talk about."
"Yeah," Tommy agrees. "We do."
———
They don't talk that night. Evan is planning to stay at Eddie's until the last possible second: helping him pack, reliving old memories, making some final new ones in this house that represents so much to both of them. Tommy would never come between them. They've waited this long to have their tough conversations, they can wait another two days.
The guests trickle out slowly. Tommy gets more than one knowing look thrown his way, as well as more hugs than he can count. It's dizzying. It's satisfying. He feels himself sinking into it like a warm bath. It’s not a luxury Tommy ever thought he’d be brave enough to afford himself.
Then it's just the three of them, and it's Tommy's turn to leave. Evan walks him to the door.
"Will you come back tomorrow?" Evan asks quietly, fiddling with a button on Tommy's flannel. "We could use an extra set of hands carrying some of the heavier things to the trailer."
"What, two strong firefighters in their prime can't handle a couch?" Tommy jokes. It's too callous too soon, he realizes immediately as Evan's eyes fall. "I'll be here," he promises. "I have a shift in the afternoon but I can help in the morning. I'll bring you guys breakfast."
"Thank you," Evan says seriously. His beautiful blue eyes glimmer with hope.
"Of course," Tommy says. "Nowhere I'd rather be."
Evan looks at him for a long moment, searching his face for something. Tommy lets him. He's done hiding from Evan.
A small smile forms on Evan's lips as he finds whatever he was looking for. He leans in slowly, giving Tommy time to say no, and kisses him. Tommy kisses back; soft, gentle, promising.
The kiss doesn't linger the way it once would have, but they'll get back there. Tommy presses back in for one more tender peck just to feel Evan smile against his lips the way he always used to. Adorable.
Tommy waves at Eddie and says he’ll be back in the morning with coffee and breakfast sandwiches from the good place downtown.
"I'll hold you to it," Eddie says from his seat on the couch. "You're not getting away so easily this time, man."
“I’m not going anywhere,” Tommy promises.
He smiles to himself as he walks to his truck. He feels the color coming back into his life; the texture. Tommy understands how numb he's been for the last two months. For the last four decades, really. Everything has been hard grey for so long. Now it’s pinks and blues, coppery and creamy; soft skin and pillowy lips and strong muscles.
This is how life is supposed to feel: rich, vibrant, exciting, warm. This is how his life is supposed to feel. Happiness isn’t just for other people. If Tommy is brave enough, it can be for him too.
It reminds him of the first time he got behind the controls of a helicopter. It’s freedom and lightness: as terrifying as it is exhilarating. Tommy knows he'll never run away from this feeling again. This is what he's been chasing all his life. He’s known how to get this feeling in the sky, now he’s learning how to feel it on the ground too.
He'll be back in the morning. He'll stay by Evan's side for as long as Evan wants him there. He'll resist his impulse to run away from anything that feels too good and right, and he'll trust Evan when he says he wants Tommy just as he is; just as flawed and broken as he is. Maybe he'll even heal.
He's not going anywhere. This is where he's supposed to be.