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Published:
2024-12-02
Updated:
2025-12-09
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7/8
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My Dad is dating a Wizard, WTF DO I DO?!

Summary:

Olivia's life is hella sweet. She has dozens of robotic mercenaries to act as playmates, She has a 135 IQ (Above Average), and to top it off with a sweet cherry, Her dad is Gray Mann. Things couldn't be sweeter.
Until She finds out her dad is dating a weird, old, creaky wizard named 'Merasmus'.
Yuck.

Chapter 1: Life is Good.. OR IS IT??

Chapter Text

It was a nice, sunny morning. Birds sung their little, heartfelt notes.. and the Robo-Medic/Butler-for-when-your-dad's-doing-important-business-stuff puffed and chuffed into Olivia's room. It beeped as loudly as its unfeeling servos desired, until Olivia gave it another dent in its already abused face. She yawned, getting out of bed as the sad, poor poor Robo-Medic rolled out of the room. Getting ready for the school, she was in no danger as a pair of brutish Robo-Heavies escorted her onto the school bus, even waving a little goodbye as she left. School was boring as usual, as it is for a little girl with an above average intellect.
Arriving home, She saw her dad in an unusually good mood. He was usually grumpy, cranky, and every word under the sun for "leave me alone until I've had my caffeine." except he never drank coffee, only tea. The robotic mercenaries were also busy, clanking here and there... decorating?
Why were they decorating? Was it an important occasion? Did she do well in school?
"Dad," Olivia questioned as she tugged on her father's silken coat, which was something she hadn't noticed. "Are these decorations for me?"
"No, my darling Olivia," Gray Mann answered, a rare sight adorning his wrinkled features: a smile. "They're for somebody special."
"Who?"
"It's a secret. Adult things, you know? Now, go do your geometry homework." Gray said, patting her on the head and fixing her moss-green bow, before returning to his stoic state.
Even then, as she effortlessly tackled her homework, like, which 3D shape was the correct one...
She wanted to know who this 'Special Somebody' was.

Chapter 2: WHO ARE YOU?? (The Wizard dating her dad:😶)

Chapter Text

It was 11:46 PM, as the cloudy night sky covered the stars and the moon. Olivia had stayed up all night for this, to find out who was this 'special somebody' her dad was seeing. She snuck out of bed, her socks cushioning her footsteps. She tiptoed past the roaming hybrids that were Robo-Soldiers with Robo-Medic wheels, and slid down the stair railing.
Wait. There were footsteps coming!
She quickly hid behind the antique knight armor that Gray bought her for her 4th birthday, peeking from behind to see her father leading a cloaked.. floating figure. Whoever it was, it was taller than him, floating, wearing a ram skull with a loose eyeball.. and.. oh, she saw HIS face. It was ancient. Wrinkled. Aged with combat and hate. Yet, it was soft and gentle. And punchable, according to Olivia's current thoughts. Who did this.. this occultist think he was, hovering in and enchanting shit?! NOT HIM!
Then he did something he could've never saw coming.
As she stalked the two into the dining room, with the Robo-Medics unveiling the dishes, the man.. kissed her dad on the lips. AND HER FATHER SMILED.
"Oh Merasmus, not yet!" Gray Mann chuckled, an uncommon noise from him. Usually he grumbled or cackled. "Oh, Merasmus is sorry.. for now~."
Did he.. he.. he just.. Olivia's brain stopped working for a moment, before snapping back to reality. This 'Merasmus' fellow, just KISSED her father. FULL. UPON. THE. LIPS. AND HE LIKED IT! She had enough, sneaking back to her room to formulate a plan.
The next morning, the 'Merasmus' man was gone, and as Olivia got ready for school, she thought back to the night before, of how wretched and disgusting-looking that 'Merasmus' fellow was. He wasn't good for her father, nobody was. Only his machines could.. probably.. comfort him intimately like that, and only she could comfort him in the daughterly, fatherly way that family could only provide. HE was trying to do BOTH!
She wouldn't be replaced.

Chapter 3: How to Sabotage a creepy-ass warlock's fit (with steps)

Chapter Text

The morning came, and Olivia couldn't focus at school. Reading, Geometry, Science and Art, they were useless to her right now. That awful image of Merasmus kissing her father replayed in her mind like a sick movie. She had to do something about this... this.. this WRETCH!
After she got off the school bus, pleased to see her father in a somewhat cranky mood, yelling to a poor Robo-Engineer about those accursed Teufort mercenaries destroying another one of his tanks. She walked off to her father's study, which had a big, silver emblem on it.

GRAY MANN'S STUDY
It was full of blueprints, lined up on walls. Robo-Medics that had extending legs and with fully five-fingered hands kept it somewhat orderly and clean. It was also where the family computer sat, hooked up to dozens of wires. Gray Mann often used this to meddle with the Teufort Mercs, intercepting messages and sometimes turning Dell's sentries against him. On one occasion, Gray let her remotely control one of his sentries, and it hobbled like a damn killing machine, even when Pyro melted it to its very last mechanical whir. But enough of that. She cracked her knuckles. She had to know who Merasmus was, and if he had weaknesses. Everybody had them. It didn't take long to find a crudely written, probably hijacked Wikiwhodothinkyouarepeda article about "Merasmus".
Supposedly, he was an age-old wizard, fear itself, with magics unknowable to mankind. One part of the article said that his "PATRIOTIC AND AMERICA-LOVING ROOMMATE" was a dude named Jane Doe. Another part said "Basdtert took my eyew. Or raghter., hew had a mafgic book called tghe bombombombombom"- and she was stopping there on that part. Finally, a good, if slightly biased article. "Is powerful wizard man. Casts spells. Hides like diaper-wearing coward. Summons floating eye and bomb book. Bomb book turns your head into a bomb, is self-explanatory. Owes money to people. Teleports and raises dead that move like one of Scout's video games."
Well, He really was a wizard of some kind, and that he tended to summon things.
No matter.
She'd handle this her own way.
HOW TO FUCK UP A WITCH'S WARDROBE:

Step 1: Go to a Redmond-controlled gravel pit that has recent sighting of green lightning and ominous noises (survive the artillery).

Step 2: Because Merasmus wears an unholy amount of makeup to keep his true flesh from emerging, finding the latin-chanting closet will be easy.

Step 3: Take the scissors that you used to cut Jocelyn Byrn's braids off out of your dress pocket and SHRED. HIS. SHIT. UP.

Step 4: Go Home and wait for the inevitable.
So, she waited. And waited. And waited until sundown, when she looked outside and saw her dad.. casually chat with Merasmus. It appeared he had lended him one of his raincloud-gray jackets to wear. They chatted nicely, almost seemingly flirting, until they parted, as Merasmus waved goodbye as he teleported in a flash of lime-electric. Olivia fumed. She needed another plan and now, Her prestigious dad could NOT be seen with an icky, senile, spell-casting coot like HIM!

Chapter 4: Gotta get that gossip!... or not.

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Okay... so. The plan to ruin the witch bitch's wardrobe fell and hit stairs, Olivia thought. Currently, her father was trying to make whatever the "OMEGATRON300"s were, and finally get rid of the mercs. She wasn't done being a hater, for she wanted to see that crusty wizard FALL.
Summoning spirits from hell to get juicy gossip was the best way to do so.
"Merasmus? Yeah... dude's a nut job, but I got beheaded in 1843 by a man named Oberon, so who's to judge?" Next. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Next. "BLUTARCH CAN SUCK THESE-" For god's sake, next!
She wasn't getting anything useful, and it was becoming a drag on both her sanity and on her polished birch floors. Seriously, brimstone ash is HELL to clean.
It wasn't until she spotted a raccoon trying to snatch some candy from a child, from across the street, that she got an idea.
A wonderful, awful idea.
Why not get the mercenaries to do it for her?

Chapter 5: The Plan.. FT: A recently fired Team Vanguard!

Notes:

Sorry for lack of updates, but here it is, Olivia meeting Team Vanguard (from the comics)!

Chapter Text

"I can't believe that WHORE replaced us with Team Chorus!" A young man wearing a camouflaged jacket yelled as he shuffled the cards. "And we're not even the worst! That lousy Fortress team has a bunch of idiots on their payroll, yet Ajax, Baywatch, Chorus, Denver, Ebony and them make HER happy?! And not US!?" Another man added, although he was wearing a bandana.
Olivia tiptoed into the cellar quietly, as she saw the now jobless, and very displeased Team Vanguard. The stench of wine upset her, mainly with how priceless it was. These militaristic bozos didn't know shit about fine wine! Something squeaked, and for once in her life, she hoped it was a rat.
"Bullshit! I call Bullshit! He- He has-" "Two Pair? And not you, Avery?" Olivia overheard the game of Texas Hold'em they were playing, and she nervously got to the bottom of the staircase... with a briefcase. The floorboards creaked, and all eyes were on her... and so were guns.
"Hey there, Van-" Olivia begun, but before she could finish, one of them grabbed her by the collar, and shoved her into the chair. "What's your business, you sly lil' shit?" The bandana wearing man howled. "I-I just want to make an offer! Yes, an offer." Olivia stammered. She opened the briefcase up, which had fat, juicy stacks of cash in it. She had to take some from her piggybank, rest Mr. Porky's soul, but now was not the time to mourn. The men slowly became interested, and the one possibly named Avery flicked the stack with his fingers. "Mhm... so.. who do we kill?"
It's often forgotten, but all of the teams, Ajax, Baywatch, Chorus, Denver, Ebony and Fortress.. they are Mercenaries. Mercenaries kill for money. It doesn't matter who or what you are, and it doesn't matter how eccentric or weird they may be.
It's a job to kill people. And they'll kill, alright. They've done it countless of times, just ask RED or BLU about the mountains of cloned bodies. All that matters is the price. And Olivia was paying a pretty penny for it. "You guys are getting rid of an old wizard for me. Just... stalk him, and then snipe him or something.. then the money is your's." Olivia said, reaching out her hand.
"Deal."

Chapter 6: Bonding Ritual

Notes:

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK (for a short time. stress from school is kicking my ass, but as a little treat I'm giving u all a chapter to correspond with TF2's halloween event) ALSO, this fanfiction was made BEFORE the final TF2 comic released so at this point in time it's all noncanon honkus tonkus.

Chapter Text

With the deal set in stone, all Olivia had to do now... was wait.
And waiting... was very difficult for a child like her.
If she had WANTED to die of boredom, waiting for that stupid, old man to die, she would've made him a take a hike and waited for his heart to go kablooey. Sitting on the swings with a pair of steel, heartless automatons was her way of life, not having her father suddenly fall for some... two-bit, low class, worthless magician!
"Do you think I'm jealous of that robe wearing freak?" Olivia told one of her Scout-Bots. "Of course not, your highness." They told her in return. She had told, no, begged her father to make them call her highness, like a princess. After all, she had made several appointments with many of Mann's creations, mainly tea parties, but she was getting off topic. "I'm NOT jealous that papa is spending time with him now, and I'm NOT thankful that you're talking to me." She scoffed.
"Does this mean I can stop talking like that now?" The Scout-Bot replied. Olivia fell off the swing, not knowing what to do. She'd never been taught what would've happened if one of her father's creations gained a mind, or a bloodlust, but faced with it? It looked like it was all over...
Then it twirled, emitting a green glow, before shedding its disguise. "HA HA! Fooled you!"
She should've known at some point her father would've told his date about her."YOU! You have uprooted the Mann tradition, set it all aflame, and seduced my father! You should be ashamed of yourself!" Olivia shouted at Merasmus. "Kid, kid, you talk like an angry victorian child, and trust me, I've been around long enough to know." Merasmus joked. Olivia raised an eyebrow. Oh sure, the ram-skull wearing wizard was old, but he didn't look THAT old. "How are you not dust?" She curiously asked. Merasmus cackled, a far cry from what he'd normally use to terrorize THOSE men. "Oh, it's a secret! I know vast secrets of eras long past, of ancient long forgotten!" Merasmus boasted, but he didn't expect Olivia to pull on his robe. "Like beheadings and witch trials? Please tell me about those! Please please please!" She begged, reverting from a grouchy small child to a sadistic but cheerful child at a whim (which was hell for Mann's robots). "Alright, alright, but first, we MUST share a sacred oath!" Merasmus spoke. He knew it wasn't really an enchantment, but anything to make this oddly terrifying child happy. "What is it? A blood oath? Spit oath? Poke out each other's ey-" "NO! No, we just swear that we'll be friends! Maybe make friendship bracelets!" Merasmus chuckled, although he was quite unnerved by little miss "no concept of empathy".
He put his hand out, rough and worn at the edges, palm down. "I, Merasmus, solemnly swear.." He waited until Olivia caught on and put her hand on his. "I, Olivia Mann, solemnly swear.." "To have each other's backs in our time of need." Merasmus, before waiting for Olivia to pick up on it. "To have each other's back in our time of need." She repeated. She stared at her own hand, small and petite, but full of her father's intelligence, cunning and rage. "There we go! That wasn't difficult! Now, do you wanna play on the swings while I talk about how I nearly got scorched in the Salem Witch Trials?"
Olivia nodded fiercely, nearly falling off the swings again as she sat back on. And so, for two whole hours, they chatted about the most macabre and morbid things, like how cockroaches have a taste for human flesh, or that there was a thing called 'Emesis'. At the end, Merasmus was the one to carry the half-awake Olivia home, and all the while, she felt something grow deep in her gut.
REGRET.
Somewhere, in the Badlands...
"LISTEN UP, VANGUARD! WE MAY NOT HAVE WHAT MOST TEAMS DO: A SCOUT, A SPY AND A PYRO, BUT WE HAVE TWO TANK DRIVERS AND A DAMN GOOD PILOT, AND WE'RE READY TO FIGHT THIS DAMN WIZARD WITH ALL OUR STOLEN U.S.A. ARSENAL, EVEN IF IT MEANS TOTAL DESTRUCTION OF THE AREA! WHO'S WITH ME?!"

Chapter 7: coming soon

Chapter Text

Coming Christmas Break...