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The first time he felt it, he wasn't even sure what it was. It was as if it was an itch, one that wouldn't go away no matter how hard he tried. It had started in his dreams, his first one in years, he was just sat there, laughing and smiling with his mother, Leia. He was young in the dream, he could have only been 12 or 13 and only when he heard a familiar voice scream his name in delight, he finally woke up and felt it, the pull to his family, to the light side.
He was heaving when he woke up fully, he had left them over a week ago, more specifically he had betrayed his uncle and he had killed his fellow jedi' and ran to join his new master, Snoke. But it surprised him that it had taken this long to happen. He had expected it, the pull, Snoke had, not in so many words, warned him that it would happen. He was new to this dark side, and it was not going to be easy for him. He stared at his hands and he breathed heavily and shook his head forcefully, "I will not go back, I will not go back. They mean nothing" he mumbled to himself, balling hands into fists and hitting the bed he was sat on. "They don't care, they don't care!" He screamed and shot up from the bed and pushed the covers off of it in anger. He heaved and dropped to the floor and pulled at his hair in frustration, trying not to let his emotions get the better of him. He screamed again, pushing the whole entire bed away and getting up to throw the rest of the furniture around. He thought it would help. And it did, the pull and the memory was gone.
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The second time he felt it was when he spoke his old name out loud for the first time in months. He couldn't help the feeling of it, before then, every time he had an inkling to his old life he was able to hit himself to keep from embracing the meaningfulness of the pull to it.
He felt it, much stronger this time though when his master, Snoke, had demanded to know if Ben Solo was still alive, he had been surprised and was only able to send out a bleak response of 'Ben Solo is dead' before the sensation filled him again. This time he saw, not his own memory, but his mothers. He saw her sitting across from his father, aboard his father's precious ship, grinning and talking animatedly about names, baby names. All the names blurred together for him as it unfolded in his head for him, only did it stop when his fathered mention his name, Ben, with Leia stopping to nod and the memory faded.
That was the day he first tore apart a room with his lightsaber, and the second time he took solace in destruction.
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He felt it only barely for what he could have only assumed was the 10th time, he shouldn't have been counting, but he was. It happened when the millennium Falcon was spotted on the star killers radar, that's when he remembered the first time his father let him pilot the precious ship. He let it fly past, ignoring a call for an order as he fled. That was the first night he cried himself to sleep. That was also the 20th time he had fought against General Hux, it wouldn't be the last.
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It was the 25th time that it happened that he fully questioned if he had made the right choice but it wasn't the first time he had looked upon Darth Vaders mask for encouragement. It never physically came, but to him, it still helped. That was the day he remembered hearing his uncle scream his name in agony over what he had done. He stopped looking for comfort in the mask regularly that day, but he still kept it though, locked away for a time he needed it.
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The 26th time he felt it, it was completely different. He didn't understand it. His master had said that he would do well to embrace both the dark and the light, but he wished to keep him on his toes, never picking a side. He remembered the first time his father spoke of his adventures with his uncle and mother, the memory almost bringing tears to his eyes. He destroyed his 12th room that night.
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He felt it for the 27th time when he interrogated that resistance pilot. He saw his mother, smiling and treating the pilot with love that time. He tortured the pilot more than he should have for it.
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He felt it for the 29th time when his master mentioned his father, Han Solo. He knew what had become of his father, going back to his old ways, he'd sensed it, or more so he felt his mothers heartbreak, through the force. But he had never spoke a word of it to anyone, not that he wanted too.
He was not expecting it, he was expecting his reaction even less. His master had told him his fathers ship was host to the droid they so desired. He felt not the anger that the droid was on the move consume him, but the dread and panic that he had come to feel when he felt his pull to the light. It was a dull ringing before he even spoke, but when he spoke the words, telling his master that his father meant nothing to him, but once he spoke aloud, he felt it in full swing.
His face faulted behind his mask and he fought the urge to cry as he saw himself as a young boy, around 5, playing with fake lightsabers with his fathers best friend. He saw as himself hit Chewbacca straight in the shoulder, the wookie falling down dramatically, pulling the young boy with him, making a noise which could only be perceived as laughter. The memory faded as he heard his younger self speak, "I love you Chewie" he near enough ran to his chambers the moment he was dismissed, scared his master had seen what he had. And he had.
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It was the 30th time that he realised he had broken his family. The day he captured that scavenger girl, the pull didn't happen immediately, it happened later when he realised fully that she held the map to her uncle, and that he might see him again soon, the first time in years. He suddenly remembered going to train with his uncle for the first time. He said nothing to no one the whole way back to base, his fists clenched the entire time.
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He felt it for 33rd time, when he saw his father again after years apart. He had felt tears sting his eyes but he fought against them. It was the strongest he had ever felt it, he almost broke down in front of him. He felt like he basically did, as his father pleaded with him to return to the light side, to come home. He was ready to return, or at least he thought he was. A memory clouded his eyes, he was 17 and dancing around with R2 and 3PO in his parents' house. The memory ended abruptly as he felt his fathers hand on his face, and he also felt his own fingers clasp the release button on his lightsaber seconds later.
He fought the urge to scream as he realised what he had done, but he no longer felt the pull he had experienced when he laid eyes on his father. In seconds he said thank you and watched his body fall into the oblivion. It took him only moments to feel the shot in his side. His relief was short lived, regret was all that followed.
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He felt it too many times to count as his time in the hospital dwindled, he recounted hundreds of memories of his lost family, the laughter of his mother, the grin his father used to wear, his uncles horrible taste in clothes and the love from them all he wished he could forget. The memories made him feel numb for weeks, and he felt the tug every single time.
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He felt it for what must have been the 200th time when his master told him personally that he would complete his training soon. His mind flashed to when his former master told him the same thing and he outwardly winced feeling the pain of the memory flash through his newly scarred face. He intentionally pressed on his wounds to find release like he had in the past. It did nothing.
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It was the 250th time he felt it when he saw his mother again, she looked just as he remembered, but at the same time she looked more tired than anything. He couldn't have been sure she'd seen him flee with the first order from the planet they were on, until he felt her breakdown in quiet sobs through the force. He accidently sliced General Hux's arm off in anger as he saw his mother and father cry tears of joy as he was born. He should have regretted it, but he had other things to worry about.
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He felt it for the 298th time during his second battle between him and the scavenger girl, Rey. But this time it felt different. It felt good for him. He remembered the 1st time his mother said farewell to him for the first time when he left to be trained when he heard Rey call him Ben off handily instead of Ren. He had stopped fighting her and indulged in the memory that time, feeling as though she was speaking the words of his mother. When she said it once more, he indulged in the memory again and again, sobbing into his hands as the young Jedi gazed upon him. The memory disappeared the moment she spoke once more. She spoke out gently a ''Come home Ben, come home to see your mother'' before he breathed out an ''Okay'' and followed her quietly. That was the first time he gave into the pull.
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The 300th time he felt it was the last time he ever would, he had grinned like a mad man when he felt it, letting a memory of his uncle showing him how to pilot a fighter ship slip through the cracks of his facade. He stared at his old master in front of him, the one he had come to face and almost join again, and plunged his lightsaber into his masters chest, relishing in the memory and crying tears in silent victory as he fell to his knees. He felt the pull of the darkside for the last time that day also.
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The 1st time he felt it, it was as if he had been reborn again. He had sworn years prior that he would no longer hold a connection to the force, he would not be so easily swayed again. He suddenly remembered when his uncle helped him make his own lightsaber at age 14 and he smiled timidly at the memory as he found himself looking at his uncle now, the elder nodding in approval. He felt it stronger that day than he ever had in his whole lifetime, neither the light or the dark had provided as much solace or as much contentment for him. That was the first time he felt at ease with the force, choosing neither side but rather choosing himself. That was the first time he realised he was the perfect balance. It wouldn't be the last.