Text Message; from Joel Shadows to Lizzie Shadows

Baby 💗

Today, 5:46 PM

Lizzie

can you grab dinner on the way home?

Joel

ofc

anything you want in particular?

Lizzie

pizza?

🥺

Joel

i'll get you your gross olive pizza.

Lizzie

♥️

Text Message; from Lizzie Shadows to Etho Slab

Etho (!!!)

Today, 6:04 PM

Etho

Are you coming in tomorrow?

Lizzie

mhm!

Etho

Do you want me to bring my cards?

I have pinochle.

Lizzie

yes please!!

Etho

👍

Text Message: From Joel Shadows to Bad Boys

Bad Boys

Today, 10:45 AM

Bad Boy #1

joel is talking about Dream Kakashi again.

Bad Boy #2

hello????

Bad Boy #1

i saw your reddit post

Bad Boy #3

lol

Bad Boy #1

i can't believe you're still on reddit

Bad Boy #2

says the guy who saw it

those who live in glass houses

or something.

Bad Boy #1

touche

but seriously

that thing freaks me out

Bad Boy #3

i think it's kind of sweet!

joel just made himself a friend <3

pretty tame delusion

Bad Boy #2

I AM NOT DELUSIONAL

Bad Boy #1

you hallucinate kakashi at night

sounds delusional to me

Bad Boy #2

dead to me

both of you

Bad Boy #1

♥️

Bad Boy #3

haha

Bad Boy #2

dead. to. me.

Bad Boy #1

i'll get lizzie to let me in.

Bad Boy #2

you have a key, idiot.

Bad Boy #3

are we still on for thursday, by the way?

Bad Boy #2

yeah, she has work so she'll be late but everyone else is coming

Bad Boy #1

is mumbo invited?

Bad Boy #2

i can't stop you from bringing mumbo

make him make food

Bad Boy #1

🫡

Text Message; From Etho Slab to Beef Venison

Beef

Today, 12:48 PM

Beef

r/Dreamsreddit.com

Look what I found.

Etho

Huh.

Weird.

Beef

Don't you also have reoccurring dreams?

Etho

Yeah.

It's just me and God in a field.

Beef

Wait.

So you dream about you and God in a field.

And this guy dreams about himself and Kakashi in a field.

Etho

I'm not asking God if he has Reddit.

Beef

You should try!

Etho

No.

Text Message; From Etho Slab to Lizzie Shadows

Lizzie (Work)

Today, 3:18 PM

Lizzie

do you want to hang out outside of work sometime?

Etho

Maybe?

Why do you ask?

Lizzie

joel and I are having a get-together!!

Etho

Hm.

I'm not good with new people.

Lizzie

i know lol

just consider it? for me?

i bet you and joel would get along like a house on fire.

Etho

👍

Text Message; From Etho Slab to Beef Venison

Beef

Today, 7:47 PM

Etho

Are you almost there?

Beef

Yeah, five minutes out.

Conversation between Lizzie Shadows and Joel Shadows, 7:11 PM

Lizzie Shadows: —he's oblivious!
Joel Shadows: Christ, babe, give me a heart attack.
Joel: Is this about that guy from work?
Lizzie: Yes!
Joel: And what happened this time?
Lizzie: So we were doing the crossword together, like we usually do—
Joel: Naturally.
Lizzie: —and I do that thing you think is cute, where I leaned over his shoulder to point at something, and he didn't even notice!
Lizzie: How obvious do I need to be?
Joel: [Laughter]
Lizzie: Oh, like you're amazing at flirting.
Joel: And here you are.
Lizzie: [Sigh]
Lizzie: I'm starting to think he's just not interested.
Lizzie: And that's such a bummer.
Joel: I know.
Joel: He sounds nice.
Lizzie: He is nice!
Lizzie: Awkward, but sweet. I think you'd really like him.
Lizzie: Since that's your type and all—
Joel: I do not have a crush on a figment of my own— blummin' imagination.
Lizzie: I didn't even mention him!
Joel: You were thinking about it.
Lizzie: Maybe.
Lizzie: But really, I think you'd be friends.
Joel: Well, if you can pester this guy into joining us—
Lizzie: I'm trying.
Joel: —then we'll see.

Conversation between Beef Venison and Etho Slab, 8:32 PM

Etho Slab: I'm starting to think that the guy in my dreams isn't actually God.
Beef Venison: —oh?
Beef: Do you want me to grab you something while I'm up, by the way?
Etho: Dr. Pepper.
Etho: It's— I'm going to sound crazy.
Beef: You always sound crazy when you talk about your dreams with God.
Etho: Thanks.
Etho: I just don't think God would talk about nursing shortages as much as he does.
Beef: I can see God being a nurse.
Etho: Me too, it just—
Beef: No, no, I get it. So your dream dude is talking about nursing shortages?
Etho: Apparently the hospital he works at is understaffed and he's having to pick up more shifts.
Etho: He seemed tired. I hope he's okay.
Beef: Etho, how long have you been having these dreams again?
Etho: I was nineteen or twenty when they started.
Etho: So... twenty years?
Beef: And the brain activity panel—
Etho: I'm not hallucinating, Beef.
Beef: Just checking!
Beef: You get why that's kind of bizarre, right?
Beef: Having the same dream with the same guy for twenty straight years?
Beef: Remember when we were in university and it was the only reason you went to sleep at a reasonable time?
Etho: He's a good motivator.
Etho: Listen, it's just... a pleasant recurring dream.
Beef: Right.
Beef: And it definitely has nothing to do with the fact that you've been single for about that long—
Etho: Wow.
Beef: We're forty, Etho.
Etho: That doesn't have anything to do with God, I'm just—
Etho: I'm not looking! I'm not looking.
Etho: Not a priority.
Beef: —you're lying, oh my god, who is it?
Etho: No one!
Etho: Jeez, back up a bit, you're like a shark who just smelled blood.
Beef: C'mon, this is the first time I'm hearing about any interest in a decade, gimme a break.
Beef: Tell me about them.
Etho: It's no one.
Beef: Uh huh.
Etho: —it doesn't matter. She's not interested anyway.
Beef: Oh, okay, you're a sweet guy, that's not—
Etho: She's married.
Beef: Oh.
Beef: Oh, Etho.
Etho: I'm not being weird about it.
Etho: Stop it. It's a stupid crush. It'll go away.
Beef: Do I know her?
Etho: No.
Etho: She's a coworker.
Beef: I'm so sorry, dude.
Etho: It's nothing, Beef.
Beef: Clearly it isn't nothing.
Etho. ...
Beef: Do you want to talk about it?
Etho: Not really.
Beef: Do you want to watch a movie?
Etho: Please.

Text Message; From Joel Shadows to Grian Peaky

grain

Today, 3:02 AM

Joel

dream kakashi asked me if I have reddit????

Text Message; From Etho Slab to Beef Venison

Beef

Today, 3:01 AM

Etho

GOD HAS REDDIT

Text Message; From Joel Shadows to Grian Peaky

grain

Today, 7:31 AM

Grian

wtf do you mean dream kakashi asked you if you have reddit

Text Message; From Etho Slab to Lizzie Shadows

Lizzie (Work)

Today, 9:21 AM

Etho

I'll come.

Lizzie

!!!

Text Message; From Etho Slab to Beef Venison

Beef

Today, 10:20 AM

Beef

God had Reddit?

Etho

I asked him and he said yes.

Beef

Wait.

I cannot believe I've been thinking so much about your recurring God dream.

God has Reddit???

Etho

Apparently.

I can't believe this.

What if he's real?

Beef

Like a real person?

Etho

Beef. What if I'm Dream Kakashi?

Beef

Oh my god.

Etho

This is so stupid.

He's not real. He might be real.

Text Message; From Joel Shadows to Grian Peaky

grain

Today, 11:02 AM

Joel

i mean dream kakashi asked me if i have reddit

what else could i possibly mean by that

Grian

your brain never ceases to amaze me.

Joel

i'm starting to think i'm losing my mind, gri

he feels so real

Grian

Yikes.

Joel

I KNOW

what am i supposed to do about that???

Text Message; From Etho Slab to Beef Venison

Beef

Today, 10:25 AM

Beef

Normally I would ask you to seek help.

But this is bizarre.

Etho

I'm going to that coworker's house tonight.

Beef

Woah, okay.

You changed your mind?

Etho

She's a good friend.

And I need to stop thinking about this.

Beef

You really do.

Text Message; From Joel Shadows to Grian Peaky

grain

Today, 11:10 AM

Grian

get drunk tonight and forget about it?

Joel

that sound

i was going to say bad but honestly great

Grian

see?

i'm a genius

Ring Doorbell [Transcript]

Lizzie: Etho! You made it!
Etho: [muffled] I did say I would come.
Lizzie: Are these—
Etho: Cupcakes.
Etho: I bought them, do not start crying.
Lizzie: It's sweet!
Lizzie: Come on in, I want you to meet—
Etho: [loudly] God?
Joel: [muffled] What the fuck.
Lizzie: What?
Etho: You— it— what?
Joel: [muffled] This isn't happening. This isn't real.
Lizzie: Do you know Joel, Etho?
Joel: This is Etho?!
Etho: Your husband is God!?
Lizzie: What are you both talking about?
Joel: [spluttering]
Joel: That's Dream Kakashi!
Joel: Your crush is Dream Kakashi, Lizzie?
Joel: Dream Kakashi is real?!
Etho: [quietly] Your what?
Joel: You're real?
Lizzie: ...what?
Joel: Yeah, that's what I said.
Grian: [muffled] Dream Kakashi is here?
Joel: [yelling] Lizzie's blummin' work crush is Dream Kakashi!
Etho: [louder] Please elaborate on work crush.
Lizzie: ...I thought I was being obvious about it?
Etho: You're married?
Lizzie: I can have boyfriends and be married!
Joel: Babe, did you not—
Lizzie: No, no, I definitely mentioned it.
Grian: Wow, he really does look like Kakashi.
Etho: Actually, later. We can talk about that later.
Etho: Do we, uh...
Etho: Like. Share dreams?
Joel: ...
Joel: I guess?
Etho: ...huh.
Etho: I'm Etho.
Joel: Joel. Uh— Shadows.
Joel: Do you want to come in?
Etho: Yeah.

[Muffled conversation. Door shutting.]