Work Text:
Ha-Yun woke up feeling anxious, which she honestly wasn’t surprised about. This was a big day. Kind of at least. This was the day where she hopefully got her autism diagnosis or got told the reason for why her brain acted like it did.
Ha-Yun had never had an easy life, but the last few years had been especially difficult. Ha-Yun had always felt wrong and different, but whenever she said that it was just pushed aside.
When it had been at it’s worse, Ha-Yun’s life felt so difficult, that she lost her will too live. Because of that they had tried to get Ha-Yun assessed for depression, but fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you view it) by the time they were actually able to talk with some professionals, Ha-Yun had gotten her will to live back, at least partially, so she couldn’t get a depression diagnosis.
What she did get though, was a generalised anxiety disorder, which made a lot of sense and neither Ha-Yun or her parents were surprised. It didn’t really help much though, as there were still a lot of things in Ha-Yun’s mind, an anxiety disorder couldn’t explain.
Then, about half a year later, at a family gathering, one of Ha-Yun’s mom’s cousins asked if they had ever gotten Ha-Yun assessed for autism. They hadn’t, because, from what they knew about autism, Ha-Yun wasn’t autistic. But the cousin knew a bit about autism from her job and thought that what she had heard about Ha-Yun over the years sounded like she might be autistic.
Ha-Yun’s mom trusted her cousin and decided to try and read about autism in girls, as that was apparently different from autism in boys. After she had read a bit, she got Ha-Yun’s dad to also read about it. The more they read, the more they found that matched Ha-Yun.
When they told Ha-Yun that she might be autistic and they would try to get her assessed for it, she was only a bit surprised. She had stumbled upon a bit about it on social media and recognised herself in some of it.
Now, after a year of talking with her doctor, then getting checked for epilepsy (which is another story in itself), waiting, talking with a psychologist, more waiting, then an IQ test of some sort, then more waiting, then another kind of test, more waiting, it was finally the day where they would hopefully get some answers.
Ha-Yun had woken up at around 7 am, which was pretty normal for her. This meant that she had three and a half hours before her and her parents had to be out of the door. She stayed in bed reading until 8 am, where she went out to the kitchen to get breakfast.
“Good morning sweetie! How did you sleep?” Ha-Yun’s dad asked. “Good morning, dad! I slept surprisingly well. I’ve been awake for about an hour,” Ha-Yun answered while getting her breakfast ready.
When her breakfast was ready she went back into her room. She often ate breakfast in her room, because thats meant that she could have a bit more alone time. In her room she turned on her computer and opened YouTube to watch something while she ate.
After her video was done, she quickly got ready for the day. Her outfit of the day was her favourite pair of pants, her favourite t-shirt, a hoodie and her comfort beanie. The pants looked like jeans and had a lot of small pink, red and white flowers on them. The t-shirt was also pink. It was oversized and in the middle it had a few kittens. The hoodie was a beige zip-up hoodie. Her comfort beanie, which she wore very often, was also pink.
When Ha-Yun was done getting ready, she continued watching YouTube until there was five minutes till she had to be in the car. In the car she sat with her AirPods in her ears and listened to music. She spent the entire ride, which was an hour and a half long, listening to music and trying to calm her anxiety, before she inevitably fell asleep. She nearly always fell asleep when she was in a driving car for more than 20 minutes.
When they finally arrived Ha-Yun and her parents went into lobby. From here they walked to the right department, where Ha-Yun had to notify her arrival on a screen. After that they just went to sit in the waiting room to wait, which Ha-Yun absolutely hated. Waiting was terrible as that meant time to just sit and think. And Ha-Yun felt too anxious to really do anything else.
She was very nervous that she would just be told that she “just” had anxiety and was highly sensitive. That was what she had been told most of her life from a lot of different people, and it had never really gotten her the help she needed. She would be open for anything other than that.
After Ha-Yun had sat waiting for a few minutes she suddenly remembered, that she had promised her cousin, Seungmin, that she would text him both before and after they got an answer.
———
Kitty Cousin:
We’re at the hospital now
Puppy Cousin:
Oh yeah, it’s today!
How are you feeling?
Kitty Cousin:
Nervous, like very nervous.
I really just want this to be over and have the answer already.
Puppy Cousin:
That makes sense!
It’s at 12 pm, right?
Kitty Cousin:
Yeah
Puppy Cousin:
Great, then there’s only 10 min until you’ll go in
Kitty Cousin:
Unless there’s a lot of delay
Puppy Cousin:
That’s true
Now sit and watch something to make the time go faster
Or at least listen to some music
I’ll be here when you’re done
Kitty Cousin:
Okay
Talk to you after!
Puppy Cousin:
You better!
I have to be one of the first to know after you and your parents! :)
Kitty Cousin:
Okay, okay :)
———
“Is there a Lucy Kim?” A woman asked a few minutes later. Lucy was Ha-Yun’s English name. Since her mother was English, Ha-Yun had always had an English name. That had made it a lot easier when they decided they wanted to live in England for a few years. “Yes, that’s us,” Ha-Yun’s dad answered as the group of three stood up.
They followed the woman into a tiny room, which in Ha-Yun’s eyes looked a bit like a doctor’s room. Which it probably was since the woman had introduced herself as a doctor on the way to the room. That’s was only thing Ha-Yun remembered from the introduction, so she had no idea what the doctor’s name was.
“I’m guessing you just want an answer as fast as possible and then we can talk more in depth afterwards,” the doctor said when they had all sat down. “That is correct,” Ha-Yun’s mum answered while Ha-Yun just nodded.
“Okay, so you are definitely autistic. We were not in doubt at any point.” Ha-Yun felt her shoulders sag in relief. There’re wasn’t anything wrong with her. There had never been. She was “just” autistic.
Ha-Yun’s parents spent a bit more time asking questions and hearing about what they could do now. They also asked about Ha-Yun’s functional seizures, and if there were anyway they could learn more about that. Ha-Yun came with a few comments here and there and answered a few questions, but she was mostly just sitting an listening while looking at the floor and thinking.
Even though she had gotten her diagnosis, it didn’t really feel real. She was relieved sure, but she had other feelings she couldn’t explain and she wasn’t sure they were positive feelings. It could just be her being overwhelmed.
When her parents were done talking with the doctor and they had all said goodbye, Ha-Yun and her parents went directly out to the car.
“How are you feeling?” Ha-Yun’s mom asked Ha-Yun as soon as they were all in the car. “I’m feeling a lot, but I can only name one of those feelings and that is relieved. Not all of my feelings feel positive, but I think a lot of that is just because I’m overwhelmed,” Ha-Yun answered. “That makes a lot of sense, you know. By the way, would you be okay if I texted our family and some of my friends, that I’ve talked to about this, that you’ve gotten your diagnosis?” Ha-Yun’s mom asked. “Yeah, that’s okay! I should probably text Seungmin too,” Ha-Yun replied. “That sounds like a great idea.”
———
Kitty Cousin:
So we’ve gotten the answer and I am autistic
Puppy Cousin:
That’s great and not that surprising, you know
Kitty Cousin:
I guess.
I was just nervous that we had overthought it and I wasn’t actually autistic
Puppy Cousin:
I know
How are you feeling now that you know?
Kitty Cousin:
I’m feeling a lot of different feelings that I can’t name.
What I can name though is that I’m feeling relieved
Puppy Cousin:
It makes a lot of sense that you’re feeling a lot
But it’s great that you’re feeling relieved!
Kitty Cousin:
Yeah!
Oh btw, we (or more correct my mom and dad) talked with the doctor about my disappearing,
and she’ll ask around to see if she can find someone who knows more about it
Puppy Cousin:
That’s sounds really great!
And I’m guessing that you either need to sleep or disappear right now
Kitty Cousin:
I just need to sleep
I have to much adrenaline to disappear
Puppy Cousin:
That makes sense
Good night then!
I’ll probably go to bed soon since it’s becoming a bit late here
Kitty Cousin:
Good night!
Talk to you later or tomorrow for you :)
Puppy Cousin:
Bye :)
———