Chapter Text
Yoisaki Kanade was surprised when she woke up. Mainly because her everything felt like lead, but also at how comfortable whatever surface she was lying on was. She was pretty sure she wouldn't be this comfortable or feel this bad just from sleeping at her desk...
...Is what she thought before registering the ceiling. Ah, she knew this ceiling. That she's seeing it is... bad. So she decided to count down things that had happened recently in her memory, to see how she got here.
1) Her father's condition had been deteriorating somewhat, and she'd been quite stressed about it.
2) She probably hadn't been doing as good a job at eating during the times when Yuki wasn't at home to force her to.
3) She had DEFINITELY not been sleeping well, despite her partners - all of them - insisting she not overwork herself.
4)... She was probably overworking herself again while Yuki was at school.
5)........ Oh she passed out again didn't she
Well. That certainly explained the fact that she was laying in a hospital bed, feeling like her entire body is lead, with one of her partners asleep in a chair nearby. Mafuyu, of course. They found her, didn't they. This... was not going to end with just a little bit of scolding.
Internally, Kanade was touched at the idea, but found it unnecessary. It's not like she deserved to be healthy, so sometimes she wished her partners would let her work herself as hard as she could. It was still her fault that her father was interred here, within a room with a ceiling just like this. And who knows if she has the same genetic defects as her mother. Better to spend all of the limited time she has doing what she's supposed to, making music that can save people. That's her duty, after all. She *HAS* to save people. Enough to make up for what she did to her father.
She was running out of time on that, too. Not that she felt any number saved could truly make up for her sin. But if her father's condition continued to worsen, and he finally - god. the thought made her sick. she hated it. she couldn't stand it. It would be her fault, when it happened. Her sin could only get deeper.
"Kanade...?" a quiet vocalization. Mafuyu was awake. Whoops.
"Um... Good Morning, Yuki?" Kanade offered hesitantly. Mafuyu did not smile. If anything, they looked... scared? Not as scared as they had been when talking about their mother, thankfully, but not a good look. she really hoped she could make her beautiful partner stop with that expression.
"Mafuyu, are you alright?" Kanade asked, knowing it was redundant, in the hopes of avoiding the eventual topic.
"Kanade, you were asleep for two days." Mafuyu says, breaching the very point Kanade was trying to squash.
Well. Oops.
The silver girl slowly sat up, wincing, before replying.
"Two days... that. Certainly explains why everything feels so heavy," the silver haired girl said, with a small smile.
"The doctors said it was stress, overexertion and lack of sleep on top of a bad diet. You haven't been eating regularly except when Mochizuki or I are there, have you?" The enby was not about to let up. Unfortunate.
"Ah... yea. Sorry about that, things have just been... busy, recently and I keep forgetting-"
"K, are you sure that it's just forgetting? You haven't been seeming too focused for... a while now." The purple lyricist asked, concerned. "Especially when I or the others are around."
Kanade didn't like where this was going. She couldn't let them get to the truth of the matter, what she had been hiding.
"No, it's fine, Mafuyu. I swear, I'm just-" she started to say, when Mafuyu dropped her bombshell.
"Kanade. Are you sure that me living with you isn't a problem?" Mafuyu smashed any excuses that the musician had with a single blow. Things had gone wrong in a completely different way than the one she envisioned. Amazing.
"What- no, what do you mean, Mafuyu? I appreciate you being with me-" Kanade stuttered, trying to salvage the conversation, but the damage was already done. By her.
"I can... if it keeps you safe, I can." A shiver, Kanade didn't want to hear what they were about to say, "I can go back with my dad. If you need me to"
And there lay the smoking gun. Once again, her cursed self was hurting someone she cared about.
"ABSOLUTELY NOT," Kanade shouted with as much as she could muster, before lowering her volume, remembering this was a hospital. "Yuki, I don't care what the reason is, don't EVER talk about accepting that you should go back to that... place. And ESPECIALLY don't talk about doing it for me. I would never think you were a burden."
The enby's eyes opened wide in surprise at the smaller girl's volume increase, something they had rarely heard. "Alright. I just. When I came back and saw you unconscious, I was... scared. It was cold and painful and like something was squeezing my insides. I don't like feeling like that, K."
Kanade’s smile was small and sad. As she thought, she was hurting her important people again. "I'm sorry. Especially for you to feel worried enough that you would even consider going back there."
the purple-haired enby sighed. "I know I shouldn't. It's just... I've been doing my best to help, K. I want to help you. But even with everything, even with everyone, sometimes it feels like you... really. Still want to disappear. And that thought is. Scary. but not as much as the idea that it could be because of me."
Oh, again. More proof she was hurting those close to her.
"You aren't making things worse, Yuki." Kanade whispered, reaching for her partner's shoulder, "You and Amia and Enanan are the best things that ever happened to me." And I'm one of the worst to ever happen to any of you, she thought.
The lyricist leaned into the touch gently, with a quiet sound of affirmation. Kanade hadn't been paying enough attention to her partners, lately. She regrets it.
Not as much as she regrets the damage her presence in their lives does, though. Saving them was one thing. But after that...
"How are Amia and Enanan, by the way?" Kanade asked, trying to change the subject.
Mafuyu shook their head. "They were both really worried, K. I'm not sure how they're feeling now, but all three of us were real shaken up when I told them what happened."
Kanade sighed. Great. Proven right immediately. She really hoped she could explain herself to her other two partners well enough that they didn't get MORE worried. But that could wait until she was out of the hospital. Hopefully she would be able to calm Mafuyu somewhat by the time they left.
Really, she didn't deserve her three partners. And they didn't deserve to have to deal with her.