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Sakura Haruka had always had a complicated relationship with touch. He...wanted it, but he also knew that being touched meant being in pain. That was probably the first real lesson he'd ever learned. As far back as he could remember, being touched meant he was going to be hurt somehow.
That being said, deep down he still craved physical touch. Sometimes it was the only way he knew he was actually real, that life was actually real. Sure, he knew people saw him, they had to in order to insult how he looked, but sometimes he felt like he was stuck in some never ending nightmare. The only thing that would ever pull him out of those thoughts was touch, which meant pain.
People didn't like him for one reason or another, and that was fine. Sakura didn't like people either. But the problem was he needed people. He needed people because they let him know he existed.
Sometimes, when he was home alone late at night, he would stare at his hands, like he was waiting for them to just vanish in front of his eyes. Because, surely, he couldn't feel this hollow and alone and lost while still being alive. While still existing.
So, he didn't like people (probably even hated them), but he also needed them in order to know he was alive, to know he existed. Every bruise, cut lip, and black eye was a throbbing reminder of his own existence. Touch meant pain, but that was okay. Because pain meant reassurance.
Until...it didn't anymore.
Moving to Michoko was a culture shock on a level Sakura had never been prepared for. He could walk through town without a single sneer being directed towards him. He could shop at any store without the owner running him off. He hadn't even been hit by one of the townsfolk, not even once.
It, honestly, scared him, just a little. He didn't know how to react to the lack of anger and violence, let alone to the direct kindness the town showed him.
That first night, after the fight with the group of dumbasses who thought they could take Sakura by himself, let alone a group of Bofurin fighters, he'd settled down for the night at his apartment and stared at the cut on his ankle. The bandaging was done so carefully, just tight enough to keep pressure on the wound and make sure it didn't slip without digging into his skin. He couldn't close his eyes without seeing the granny and Kotoha kneeling down to attend to his injury, their hands so gentle. He hadn't felt like he'd deserved it, had felt panicked at the idea that now he owed them something for making the effort to care for him.
And if the town's response to him was a culture shock, then the students at Furin were a reality shift, a fracturing of everything Sakura had come to know and understand.
Well, that might be a little bit of an over exaggeration. Sure, the initially positive reaction to him on that first day had been more than a little confusing for him, it was Sugishita (surprisingly) who had saved Sakura, in a way. His unthinking and unrestrained violence and anger towards Sakura had been familiar, had been comfortable. The adrenaline rush of a dodged punch and a responding kick had made him feel alive, made him remember that he existed.
This! He'd thought. This is what I was looking for!
And it had been. At first. But it hadn't lasted.
Sure, there was the occasional fight Bofurin had to take part in, like with Shishitoren. But even though that fight had ended with Sakura feeling Togame's every hit throbbing throughout his body for days, he'd still been left confused. They hadn't been angry after the fight. In fact, the entire air around Shishitoren, as a whole, had felt lighter, somehow.
And don't even get Sakura started on the fights with Gravel and Noroshi. There had been plenty of blood and adrenaline pumping fights, but, in the end, things had always ended...friendly (for lack of a better word). It made him uneasy.
Yes, the fight with Endo had helped Sakura feel more secure with his place in Bofurin, and a Furin itself, but it had left him feeling even more confused about everything he'd ever thought he knew.
The guys at Furin, everyone except Sugishita (and even Kaji in the beginning), had always been friendly toward Sakura. That, in and of itself, was enough to throw him off mentally. But after the fight with Noroshi, they'd become much more physical with him, and not how Sakura had expected. There were gentle hands on his shoulder, soft pats to his back, kind hands ruffling his hair, and light arms slung over his shoulders.
Nirei was the first one to reach out and really push into Sakura's bubble, both literally and metaphorically, which had probably been Sakura's saving grace. The blonde was just so nonthreatening that when he leaned his head on Sakura's shoulder while complaining about how tired he was, Sakura's first reaction wasn't violence but rather shock. He froze, still as a statue, for a moment, his body immediately preparing itself for the pain it had come to expect after touch to follow. But, when no pain came, his body seemed to (reluctantly) relax and then his face heated with a flush.
Really, it wouldn't surprise Sakura if there had been some kind of agreement within his class, or at least between Nirei and Suo, about who would be the first to really encroach on his personal space. However the decision was made, it was a smart one. Because it was easy to accept Nirei's touch; it was natural. Sakura had already become one of his protectors when things got rough in a fight, so he was used to the other boy hanging on his sleeve or pressing close to him in search of safety. It really wasn't that much of a jump from touch in those situations to touch outside of them. A hand on his arm here, arms wrapped loosely around his waist in a friendly hug there. Slowly, Sakura's body became accustomed to Nirei's touch not being followed by pain.
Suo was a different matter.
Sakura had already gotten a feel for the other boy throughout the various fights they'd both participated in, had already come to understand the threat he could be if he felt like it. He knew what kind of a monster Suo was capable of being, so his body's knee-jerk reaction to Suo was to be on the defensive. If Suo raised a hand when he was close, Sakura would instinctively flinch away, just a little. Just enough to prepare himself in case that hand came down hard rather than gently on his shoulder.
Strangely enough, it was Suo's incredible control over his body, his every movement, that broke through Sakura's physical and mental defenses. At first, he'd thought the red head had been making fun of him, reaching out to move a strand of hair out of his eyes with one careful finger, leaning in close to his face in order to gently pluck an eyelash off his cheek, or casually brushing a leaf out of his hair with a precise flick of his hand just to see how red in the face he could make Sakura.
But, one morning while they were alone on the roof waiting for Nirei, Suo reached across the table they were sitting at and carefully but purposefully threaded his fingers between Sakura's and looked him in the eye, not even blinking at the sudden flush that had erupted on Sakura's face. He wanted, initially, to jerk his hand away, expecting a sudden crushing grip to render him in agony, but instead Suo's hold remained loose and his thumb brushed over one of Sakura's fingers.
It's okay, Suo murmured to him. I won't hurt you. He spoke like he was talking to an injured animal. But that was fair, because that's how Sakura felt, his mind reeling and flinching back against the kindness in Suo's voice. He didn't know what to say in response, was stuck pursing his lips and trying (and failing, he was sure) to hide the fear he knew was showing in his eyes.
The door to the roof opened as Nirei finally showed up, but Suo didn't let go of his hand, didn't look away from his eyes. We won't hurt you, he said.
After that, touch became less of a necessary evil and more of a kind surprise. Sakura found himself relaxing at the gentle pats to his back his classmates offered him, leaning into Nirei's warm fingers that threaded through his hair while he was dozing on his desk in the mid-afternoon sun, and even smiling back at Suo when he carefully nudged Sakura and lingered close. The soft, gentle touches left less of a painful reminder on his body when he was home alone and struggling to remember that he existed, but if he thought hard enough he could feel the warmth they left on his skin, radiating with kindness and caring.
It was during one of those evenings that Sakura's whole world was flipped upside down.
That night was one of the worst Sakura'd had in quite a while since he'd become acclimated to the kindness and gentle touches of Bofurin. But he'd been alone the entire day. It was a holiday, one of those ridiculous ones that meant very little but still interrupted Sakura's daily routine, which meant no school. He wasn't even scheduled for a patrol. His lack of money, due to it being the end of the month and his government funding didn't come in until the first of the next month, meant he wasn't able to even go out and get some omurice from Kotoha. So, he simply stayed home and scrounged together a meal of what little food was in his apartment.
It was already dark when the all too familiar feeling hit Sakura, his picked-at dinner sitting abandoned next to him. His hands were tingling and shaking as he rubbed at his face, trying to force his mind to take the feeling and make it resonate throughout his being like the beatings of his younger days had. Like the gentle and careful touches of his classmates, of Nirei and Suo, did. But it wasn't working, and the feeling became darker and dug deeper into him. He fought against it, as best he could.
I'm alive, I exist, he told himself, trying to match the voice in his head to his own heartbeat. I'm alive, I exist. I'm alive, I exist. I'm alive, I exist. I'm alive, I exist. I'm alive, I exist. I'm alive, I exist. I'm alive, I -
His internal mantra was interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing, the shrill sound cutting harshly through the quiet of his living room/bedroom. The sound only put Sakura more on edge, so he quickly grabbed his phone and answered it; anything to get that ringing to stop. He didn't know what he said, just that knew his voice came out warbled and pitched, something he would've been horrified by if he'd been in his right mind.
It was Nirei's voice on the other end, but whatever he said was over powered by Sakura's heartbeat thudding in his ears and his breath rushing in and out of his lungs. Nirei kept speaking, kept trying to get Sakura to respond coherently, but Sakura couldn't hear him, couldn't get any words out past his panic-clogged throat.
Finally, when he couldn't take the idea of bothering Nirei, kind and worrying Nirei, any more than he already had, he managed to pry one of his eyes open long enough to hang up and then toss his phone to the other side of the room after silencing it. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to his friends (because he was confident enough to call them that now, despite how much he had to work himself up to saying it), rather he couldn't talk to them. He couldn't bear the idea of calling Nirei or Suo and bothering them with something he had and could work through on his own. He would just wear himself out, fall asleep, and when he woke up in the morning he could take a shower and pretend that nothing had happened.
He just had to make it through the night.
But he wasn't sure he would make it another hour, not with his heart racing and his skin screaming at him. He rubbed his hands over his arms, trying to force his nerve endings to tell his brain he really was there, he existed. He rubbed harder, chaffing his palms against his skin. But his mind argued that of course he could touch himself even if he didn't exist. Nothing can touch nothing and still be nothing. He tangled a hand into his hair, grabbing a fist full and yanking on it from the roots. Pain ripped through his scalp, but it made his brain pay attention. Pain was good, pain meant he was real. He moved his other hand into the hair on the other side of his head and pulled again, relishing in the pain that reassured him.
I'm real, I'm real, I'm real, I'm real, I'm real, I'm real, I'm realI'mrealI'mrealI'mrealI'mrealI'mrealI'mrealI'mrealI'mrealI'mrealI'mrealI'mreal.
The words stopped making sense but the act of saying them to himself was soothing, in a way. They became a buzz to his ears, a constant hum that helped dispel the anxious energy shredding through his nerves. He could make this work, he just had to keep saying it and pulling at his hair to remind himself he existed. This could work, this would be okay-
A new sensation jerked his mind to a violent halt, a car crash of thoughts. It was a hand, but not one of his own. No, this one was carefully but firmly gripping one of his forearms with cool, dry fingers, so different from his heated, sweaty skin.
Sakura struck out with his free hand, the reaction knee-jerk to being touched while he was in his current state of mind, but his fist was easily caught in yet another hand. The grip was, again, firm but gentle.
He looked up then and saw an eyepatch, red hair, and a single red iris surrounding a pupil that stared at him intensely, its fathomless depths taking in whatever information it could from Sakura's face. Suo studied him, not coldly but, rather, fervently. Sakura could see a near desperation in the other's eye.
Seeing the other express the emotion did more to pull him out of his current state than anything causing himself pain could do. His mind immediately raced from thought to thought, trying to figure out what could possible cause Suo, unshakeable Suo, wear an expression like that.
Nirei? It was the only thing Sakura could choke out through his emotionally cinched throat, but he was sure he got across what he was asking. Still, Suo didn't move, didn't respond, didn't even blink. He stayed frozen in front of Sakura, his arms out so he could hold Sakura's forearms, and the only thing that moved was his eye, flicking between Sakura's face and his heaving chest.
Movement to his left caught Sakura's attention, his eyes flicking over to see the very boy whose name he'd just uttered. Nirei was watching him with wide, terrified eyes, his mouth set in a wobbly frown of concern. That was the last thing Sakura wanted. There was no need to Nirei and Suo to worry about him, to bother themselves with him. He quickly looked down, unable to see Nirei look at him like that any more.
In his careful and precise way, Suo took Sakura's hands from his hair, transferring his hold from his forearms to his hands so he could thread their fingers together. The action brought back memories of Furin's rooftop and of Suo's soft but confident words.
As if reading his mind, Suo repeated the same words he'd spoken then. It's okay. Sakura watched as Suo brought one of his hands to his mouth and pressed a gentle kiss to his fingers. We won't hurt you.
A warbled cry, like something from a wounded animal, wrenched out of him before he could stop it, and Nirei immediately pounced, a noise of his own echoing Sakura's. The smaller boy carefully pull Sakura into an embrace, arms warm and secure in their hold around his shoulders, and pressed his face into Sakura's hair, murmuring words of warmth and affection into the dual colored strands.
Suo settled against his other side, letting go of one of Sakura's hands so Nirei could take it. With his now free hand, Suo wiped at the tears that were suddenly rolling down Sakura's cheeks with fingers as soft as his voice. We're here.
Nirei nodded emphatically against Sakura's head, his own tears dampening the other's hair as he pressed his own kisses to the top of Sakura's head.
Sakura cringed away from the touches at first, his body screaming at him that this was wrong, that touching should be painful, not kind and meant to heal. But Suo and Nirei stood firm, unflinching in their desire to show Sakura just how cared for he was. Eventually, his body stopped rebelling against them, and instead he leaned into their touch, accepting the physical expressions of their feelings.
Soft, gentle kisses pressed to his face, his cheeks, forehead, nose, everywhere but his mouth so that he could continue to gasp in air as his panic subsided. They were gentle as butterfly wings but as persistent as wasps. In between the presses of their lips, Nirei and Suo traded off whispering careful words to him.
We're here.
We won't leave.
Thank you for being with us.
Thank you for letting us see you.
Each murmured word helped piece him back together, helped him quite his screaming skin and aching heart. They helped gentle the storm inside him.
They both crawled into his futon with him when he tugged insistently at their hands, desperate to not be left alone again, and they didn't ask any questions. They simply settled on either side of him, pressed as close as possible to share warmth.
I don't deserve this, he whispered in the darkness, his shame burning his face and his throat as he says the words. I'm not worth it.
Nirei and Suo both shake their heads against his, squeezing his hands in their own.
No, they both say, you're worth everything.
Sakura clenched his eyes against the new wave of tears their words bring forth, a fresh lance of pain slicing through him. It's a different kind of pain than what he's used to, it's more Earth shattering, but it also feels...good. It's an ache like a broken bone that's mending.
Thank you, they tell him, their voices ringing with sincerity. Thank you for existing.
And Sakura can do nothing but bask in this new pain that heals as it hurts, falling asleep with the certainty that he's real, that he exists.
If only for them.