Archive of Our Own ^beta

Contrary to popular belief, Alex is not an idiot. He can take a hint. He’s not completely oblivious, no matter what his friends say. And these days he can tell they are trying to gently tell him to chill the fuck out. To stop being so loud and obnoxious all the time.

It’s in June’s exasperated eye rolls and Nora’s loud sighs whenever he goes on another rant about one of his courses. It’s in Pez’s dry ‘you’ll surely make a great lawyer one day with how much you love arguing, darling’, and in Bea’s following laughter. It’s in Henry changing the subject when Alex tries to tell everyone about the girl who asked him out at the coffee shop the other day.

It stings, but it’s okay. Alex knows he’s a bit much. He knows that once he starts talking there is no stopping him. Not until he gets the whole story out. He knows it puts people off. He gets too excited and talks over people. He doesn’t mean to, it just happens sometimes without him noticing. It took a girl in his class saying ‘I would appreciate it if you let me talk for a while’ for him to notice it.

So yeah, Alex knows he’s a lot to handle. So he can’t really blame his friends for getting fed up with his constant yapping either. After all, they spend way more time with him than his classmates. They’re bound to be annoyed.

Yet, it still stings tonight when they’re all out together, sharing stories and laughing, and he’s the only one at the receiving end of all the eye rolls. He tries to power through it. Tries to finish his story anyway. Make them laugh the way he always does. Tries not to let it discourage him. Maybe it’s just an off day. Again.

“I’m telling you guys, the barista has it out for me!” he insists. “He messed up my drink three times this week. He swapped my coffee for decaf. Decaf! He hates me,” he shrieks.

“What did you do to piss him off?” Nora chuckles.

“Nothing! I swear,” he laughs as he tries to defend himself. “I’ve been a delight!”

“Let me guess. You tried to talk his ear off while he was working,” Nora cackles. “Went on a rant.”

“What? No, we never even talked aside from him getting my order,” he huffs, affronted.

“Well, then he probably has no idea who you are. Contrary to what you may believe, Alejandro, the world does not, in fact, revolve around you,” Nora snarks back.

“Yeah, Little Bit, he probably doesn’t even remember you,” June adds with a smirk.

Everyone laughs. Which is fine. It’s probably the truth, but Alex thought it would be a funny story. Maybe it’s not. Whatever.

He doesn’t try to take over the conversation again. He lets the others speak for a change. He tries not to dwell on the weird feeling that settles in his stomach. He’s fine.

***

This week’s been hell. He had a migraine more often than not. The case he’s been helping on turned out to be way more complex than his supervisors anticipated, which resulted in lots of overtime. Alex was glad to be making himself useful at the firm. He fought real hard for this internship. He loves helping people. But yeah, he’s self-aware enough to admit that it’s been a rough week.

Which is exactly why he’s been looking forward to tonight. A night out with all his favorite people. Stuffing their faces with burgers and fries, recounting everything that’s happened in the last two weeks since they’ve seen each other. It’s one of his favorites parts of the week. Second only to all the nights he spends glued to Henry’s side on their couch, just existing in the same space.

They’ve been here for at least two hours, the food they ate already a distant memory, surrounded by both full and empty glasses scattered all over the table.

Alex feels comfortable here. Surrounded by his friends in a dimly lit bar, laughing together.

It’s probably why he doesn’t think too much about the few eye rolls directed at him as the night goes on. It’s why he only thinks about it for a few seconds when June sighs deeply when he immediately follows her story about her awful coworker with a one of his own.

Maybe he should tone it down a little bit? June seemed a bit annoyed, now that he thinks about it. Is he being too obnoxious again? The thought leaves a sour taste in his mouth.

He looks around at everyone. Pez is recounting a story about his and Henry’s Eton days, his eyes shining with mirth, as Henry hides his face in his hands. June with a big smile on her face and Nora already cackling.

Everyone’s having fun, so why does Alex feel unsettled all of a sudden? Is he being too much? The thought makes a spike of anxiety run up his spine.

He’s ready to tone it down, he really is, but then Henry is looking at him with pleading eyes, shoulders still shaking with laughter despite the redness of his cheeks, saying “help me, darling,” and who is Alex to say no to him?

He swiftly changes the subject and is rewarded with a blinding smile from Henry, so Alex must be doing something good.

He lets himself get carried away a little bit again, though.

Truth is, Alex has been complaining about Hunter, one of the other interns, for the better part of the evening, but he’s just survived a week working closely with this guy, getting subjected to his WASP-y attitude. He should be allowed. Which is exactly what he’s telling everyone, when Nora interrupts him.

“God, Alex, do you ever shut up?”

The sentiment is followed by a round of laughter. Everyone chuckles, like they’re in on the joke.

It shouldn’t hurt. But it does. It does. Every single time.

Quite frankly, it feels like he’s being repeatedly stabbed in the heart with a dull knife. Like his ribs are breaking under the weight that’s settled on his chest. Like he just wants to disappear.

He’s always too much. Or not enough. He’s never good just the way he is and he’s sick of it. It makes him want to sob or claw his own veins out.

He just wants someone to love him. Hell, he just wants someone to like him the way he is.

He knows they’re joking, but fuck. Can’t they see it’s killing him? Do they just not care? Maybe they don’t, the mean voice in his head supplies. Maybe they don’t care enough to see it. Maybe Alex is just a fun time, but not good enough to really care about.

The thought makes him want to throw up. He swallows it down.

“Yeah, yeah,” he chuckles, but it sounds weak to his own ears. No one else notices, though. He’s in the clear. That should be comforting, shouldn’t it?

He doesn’t talk for the rest of the night, but no one notices. They all seem pretty content with talking to each other, not including him in the conversation.

Alex can feel his eyes sting. He tries to swallow, to take a deep breath, but the lump in his throat won’t let him.

“I’ll be right back,” he whispers, but he doesn’t think anyone notices. Henry glances his way, his brows furrowed, but a second later he’s absorbed in Pez’s story again. Alex can’t do this.

He stands up, hears his chair scrape on the floor, but pays it no mind. He needs to get out of here, so he hightails it to the bathroom. He rushes to the cubicle and sits down on the disgusting toilet seat lid. His eyes are already welling up. Fuck. He bites down on his clenched fist to muffle the sound.

It feels like everything hurts. The lump in his throat, his palms where his fingers are digging in, leaving crescent moons in their wake, his tightly shut eyes; but most of all – his entire chest. Alex doesn’t want to be dramatic, but it feels like his very soul is hurting.

He knows he’s being over-dramatic. After all, his friends just wanted some peace and quiet. A little break from his constant yapping. It’s not unusual. It’s perfectly normal. He always talks too much. He doesn’t know when to stop, and let someone else have a turn. It’s his own fault, really. He knows that.

None of it makes it hurt any less, though. None of it helps him calm down now. He can’t stop the tears from falling or the gasp that leaves him.

“Fucking stupid,” he hisses, his hands tugging on his hair. “Stop it,” he tries to instruct himself. He needs to get it together. He has to go out there sooner rather than later. They can’t see him like this. He can’t handle any questions, his heart feels too fragile for that now.

He hears the bathroom door open and holds his breath.

“Alex?”

It’s Henry, because of course it is. Alex knows he should answer him, but he can’t make himself do it. He feels weird. Untethered. Like he has very little control over his body. A little bit like he’s stuck in a thick fog. It’s a very unsettling feeling.

“Alex, are you in here?” Henry’s voice is loud against the stillness of the bathroom. “Are you okay?”

Alex sniffles quietly and dabs at his eyes furiously with his sleeve. The soft sweater he’s wearing absorbs the moisture quickly. He needs to bite down on his lips to stop more tears from coming. He feels like a total mess and an idiot – crying in a public bathroom because his friends made fun of him for talking too much. It’s pathetic.

“Alex!” Henry sounds more distressed now, and Alex knows he’s running out of time.

Reluctantly, Alex gets up on shaky legs and flushes the toilet for good measure. He swipes the sweater sleeve over his eyes one last time, unlocks the door and steps out only to see Henry directly in front of him.

“Sorry,” he tries to say casually, but his voice sounds rough even to his own ears. “I think something we ate today didn’t agree with me,” he’s proud of himself for keeping his voice more or less level.

Henry looks at him with wide, concerned eyes and it almost makes Alex cry again. Henry grabs him by the shoulders and tries to look him in the eyes, but Alex averts his gaze. He can’t do this. He wants to go home and be embarrassing in peace. The longer he stays here, the more likely it becomes that he will start crying again.

“Love, look at me, please,” he hears Henry say. Alex takes a deep breath through his nose and obeys.

Henry looks agitated. Concerned. Alex doesn’t like it. Henry should be carefree today. He should be out there, having fun with their friends. Not here, in a disgusting bathroom, worried about Alex.

“There you are,” he whispers and the soft praise goes directly to Alex’s head. He prays his eyes won’t well up again. He’s truly all over the place today. “Are you sure?” Henry inquires further.

Alex nods. He doesn’t trust himself to speak yet.

“What can I do to help?”

Henry’s voice sounds so genuine that Alex’s breath catches again. Maybe Henry is not as fed up with him as everyone else seems to be. Alex knows it’s not their fault. They’re not trying to be malicious. He knows he’s a lot to handle. It just fucking hurts.

“I’m fine,” he tries to sound reassuring. “I’ll call it a night, though.”

“I’ll get us an Uber then,” Henry says reaching for his phone.

“No, no. There is no need. I’ll go alone, you should stay here,” Alex tries to reason. He just wants to get out of here and crawl into his bed and have a good cry about all of this. He’ll be as good as new tomorrow.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Alex, I’m coming with you, darling.”

Henry’s thumbs are rubbing circles on Alex’s shoulders. It feels nice.

“There is really no need for that, Hen. I feel better. I don’t want to ruin your night, you were having fun.”

“It’s not fun if you’re not feeling well, Alex.”

Alex bites his lip. “It’s okay. I’m feeling better already. I’ll just go home and go to sleep. There is no need for you to cut your night short to watch me sleep.”

Henry still looks skeptical, but he hesitates, so Alex calls that a win.

“Are you sure?” he asks.

“Yeah, of course. I’ll be fine.”

Alex takes out his phone quickly and opens the app. He orders a ride and lets out a little sigh of relief when it tells him that his driver is only two minutes away. He can feel Henry’s eyes on him the entire time.

“My Uber will be here soon,” Alex tries. He still feels the need to fill the silence. “Come on,” he gestures his head towards the door.

“Alex,” Henry grabs his sleeve, making Alex look up at him. “Are you really sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m sure. It’s just indigestion. I need to sleep it off or something.”

Henry nods, still looking unsure, but he follows Alex to their table anyway.

Everyone looks up when they approach and Alex immediately feels exposed. He avoids eye contact, grabs his jacket from where it’s been draped over the headrest and slowly puts it on.

“I’ll get going. I feel really nauseous, I think the food didn’t agree with me,” he announces.

“Do you want us to go with you?” June sounds ready to go with him and he can’t have that. Thankfully his phone pings with a notification that his driver is here.

“No, no. My ride is already here. I’ll just go home and try to get some sleep. You guys have fun,” he says quickly, pocketing his phone and rushing out of the bar without a backwards glance.

He’s really grateful that his driver doesn’t comment on the roughness of his voice or the constant sniffling, even though he clearly must have noticed Alex almost losing it in his backseat. He takes a mental note to leave the man a good tip.

He lets out a sigh of relief when he finally makes it home. He takes off his shoes and his jacket robotically and moves to his room on autopilot, not bothering to turn any lights on. He takes off his jeans and leaves them in a heap on the floor, not even bothering to change into a different shirt before he crawls in bed, pulls the sheets over his head and finally sobs.

***

He doesn’t know how long he’s been crying into his pillow when he hears the front door lock open, then keys hitting the bowl by the entrance. Alex glances at the clock by his bed and realizes it couldn’t have been more than thirty minutes since he crawled in bed. Why is Henry home already? Alex holds his breath, hoping Henry will just pass by his room and go to his own.

He’s not that lucky, though. He hears Henry’s soft footsteps sounding through the apartment, stopping by Alex’s door. He holds his breath.

“Alex?” he hears Henry say, unsure.

Alex bites his lips and buries his face deeper into the pillow, pulling the sheets tighter around him, hoping it’s enough for Henry to assume he’s asleep, should he open the door.

Predictably, Alex hears his door creak and then a beam of soft light from the corridor illuminates his room. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries not to give himself away.

“Are you asleep, darling?” Henry whispers.

After a few seconds when Alex doesn’t say anything back, Henry shuffles out of the room, closing the door behind him quietly and enveloping the room in complete darkness once again. Alex doesn’t dare move until he hears Henry’s bedroom door click shut.  

He doesn’t sleep that night. He lies awake and tries not to think about whether or not all his friends are secretly fed up with him. He mostly fails.

He doesn’t leave his room until noon the next day, and still he only does it when he can’t ignore his bladder, or his rumbling stomach anymore.

He goes to the bathroom first, to buy himself some more time, but it doesn’t help with the chaos in his head. When he finally shuffles to the kitchen Henry is there, sitting at the table and sipping his tea, eyes fixed on his phone. His attention snaps to Alex the second he hears him and Alex doesn’t know what to do with the concerned stare he meets.

“Alex, how are you feeling? I didn’t want to wake you too soon, but I was starting to get worried,” he explains, voice soft.

“No, yeah. I’m fine. The nausea’s gone,” Alex tries to make his voice sound normal and not like he spent the better part of his night crying.

“I don’t think you should be drinking coffee yet, though, just to be safe. I’ll make you some tea,” Henry gets up and motions for Alex to sit, before putting the kettle on.

“You don’t need to do that,” Alex insists. He doesn’t want Henry to feel obligated. Or annoyed. “I can do that myself.”

“I don’t mind. I want to help you feel better,” he smiles shyly, in the way only Henry can, and Alex’s heart skips a beat the way it always does. He tries not to think about it. One crisis at a time. This one is for future Alex.

“Thanks,” he smiles back and hopes it looks genuine. He really is grateful for everything Henry always does for him.

Half an hour and two mugs of tea later, Alex feels more or less human again and supposes he might have been a little overdramatic last night. He was probably just tired and made a big deal out of nothing. He’s always been impulsive. Because right now, sitting next to Henry in their tiny kitchen, Alex feels at ease. Henry’s presence always has that effect on him. He doesn’t want to unpack that right now. He knows what he’ll most likely find buried deep inside.

Somehow Henry’s become his favorite person. Despite their rocky start and against all odds, Henry’s become a person Alex can’t imagine his life without. He doesn’t even want to try. Henry is his last thought at night and first thought in the morning. He finally understands what all the stupid, sappy love songs are about, which is really fucking embarrassing, but he can’t help getting giddy every time Henry’s soft smile is directed at him. He can’t stop the butterflies from fluttering in his stomach whenever Henry remembers something Alex had said before. He is helpless against the goosebumps that make him shiver every single time Henry touches him. He’s surprised Henry hasn’t picked up on it yet. Or maybe he has and he’s just sparing Alex’s feelings by not bringing it up. That sours his mood a bit.

Alex knows Henry wouldn’t be mean about it. He’d probably be very apologetic, his blue eyes wide, gentle and so sincere that Alex would feel even worse about ever bringing it up in the first place. Henry’s not a cruel person. He makes Alex feel seen and understood. He doesn’t want to lose it by letting his feelings get in the way of what they have. He can’t. He won’t.

***

Alex tries to forget about that night at the bar, writing it off as just him being oversensitive. He tries not to think about it or overanalyze it. The thing is, though, it happens again. And again. And suddenly he can’t ignore it any longer.

It’s in June sighing dramatically when Alex goes on a rant about a documentary he liked. It’s in Pez crying out ‘woah, mate, calm down,’ when Alex gesticulates a bit too enthusiastically and almost knocks everyone’s drinks off the table. It’s in the laughter that follows and in the way his heart sinks. It’s in Nora putting her hand over his mouth with a laugh saying ‘we know, Alex’, when he tries explaining the consequences of gerrymandering again. It’s in Henry whispering ‘please, Alex, I’m not in the mood,’ when Alex tries to make him feel better on one of his dark days, not even realizing he’d overstayed his welcome until it’s too late and Henry snaps.

It happens over and over again and it’s eating him alive. He knows his friends care about him. He knows it. But they can still care about him and be fed up with him at the same time. He does talk a lot. He gets carried away, forgets to check in, to see if he still has their attention or if they want to say something too. He gets too excited about things. When he starts, there is no stopping him. Fuck, they’re bound to be exasperated.

Shit. Are they talking about how annoying he is behind his back? He hopes not. They wouldn’t do that, right? What if they just decide one day that that they finally had enough of him? He doesn’t have any other friends. He’s never been good at making friends. He’s always had a lot of people around him, but never anyone he could call a friend. He always had June, but he never had a friend. Someone who would stay. Not until Nora. And then Henry, Pez and Bea. If he fucks it up, he’ll be alone again. He doesn’t want to be alone again.

He can still fix it. He can come up with a plan. A list of some kind. He’s good at those. He can turn this around.

First, he has to limit how much he speaks. He needs to let others talk. Take his cues from them. Respect their wishes for him to shut up.

Second, he needs to try harder. He can’t let them be annoyed. Unresolved annoyance turns into resentment. He can’t let that happen.

Third, he should probably stop trying to ask people to hang out with him all the time. He should stop forcing himself into situations where he might not be wanted. He has to stop bothering Henry when he’s working in the living room. Stop pestering June and Nora when he’s bored. No more intruding on Henry’s calls with Bea, even just to say hello.

It will be fine. Easy. He can do this.

***

It’s not easy.

It’s actually really fucking hard. He never realized how much he was actually talking until he tries to stop. God, no wonder everyone is fed up with him. He just can’t fucking shut up. He feels the need to comment on everything everyone says. He asks too many questions. He can’t take a hint. Jesus, fuck.

New plan, he thinks, just stop fucking talking. Answer questions, but only the ones directed at you. Don’t volunteer information. Shut up, shut up, shut up.

***

He thinks he worked out a pretty good routine. He’s more attentive. He’s more quiet. He stops interrupting people when they talk. If he sometimes has to physically dig his nails into his arm to stop himself from talking about him, that’s his business and no one else’s. They don’t need to know how hard he’s trying.

The problem is, he’s so focused on making himself less annoying that he doesn’t notice that something is wrong at first.

It’s not until they’re all at June and Nora’s that he notices it. He walks to the kitchen to help June and Henry with the drinks and stops in his tracks when he hears his name spoken in a hushed tone. They’re speaking way to quietly for Alex to figure out what exactly is being said.

“That’s why I thought something happened between you two,” he hears his sister say.

“I don’t know, June, Alex isn’t exactly –” Henry sounds agitated and Alex doesn’t like it. He must make some kind of noise because June’s eyes snap to him and widen.

“Alex!” she exclaims and Henry whips his head back at the speed of light, a blush forming on his cheeks immediately. Definitely talking about him then.

“Everything okay?” he asks, but his voice sounds weak even to his own ears. He’s just… really fucking tired suddenly.

“Yes! Of course, come, help us with the plates,” June says handing him a stack of plates and some cutlery, ushering him out of the kitchen at the speed of light.

Alex just nods and turns back around to carry everything back into the living room, biting his lips hard, trying to keep the tears at bay. He can’t get upset about this again. It’s fine. It’s under control. Maybe he has to try a bit harder. But he can do it. He can.

He doesn’t try to speak for the rest of the night. He’s completely lost his appetite, but eats a slice of pizza when he notices Henry watching him closely. Just be fucking normal. How hard can it be?

He thinks he might be doing a good job until he’s proven wrong yet again. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom, doesn’t think much about the lively discussion happening in the living room since he can’t hear what’s being said anyway, but when he comes back the whole room goes silent. He knows they were just talking about him, but he doesn’t bring it up. He doesn’t wanna know. He doesn’t want to think about the secrets they’re clearly keeping away from him. With all honesty, he kinda just wants to go back home and go to bed.

The irony, though, is that when he does come home, his mind is going a hundred miles per hour, different scenarios going through his head. They’re talking about how annoying he is. They don’t care about him anymore. They finally had enough. Fuck, what if they want to cut ties with him, and just don’t know how to say it? What if Henry wants to move out?

Every vision is worse than the other, and Alex can already feel a migraine coming. He knows he won’t be able to fall asleep like that so he risks a trip out of his room in search of painkillers. The second he steps out of his room, though, Henry’s door swings open too. As if he was standing there waiting for Alex to come out, which is just ridiculous.

“Hi,” he says lamely. He’s still not very good with silence. Only, silence has never been awkward with Henry. It kind of is now. Alex tries not to cringe.

“Are you okay, Alex?” is not what Alex was expecting to hear, but Henry is looking at him with a sincere expression on his face, brows furrowed, lips pressed into a thin line.

“Yeah, just… migraine, you know?” he gestures in the general area of his head.

“Oh,” Henry exhales. “Come on, then, let’s get you some Tylenol and I’ll give you a massage,” he takes a step closer to Alex.

“You don’t need to do that, Hen,” Alex tries to argue.

“I know,” Henry says circling Alex’s elbow gently with his thumb and index finger. “I want to.”

Alex looks at him for what feels like the first time in weeks. Henry still looks worried, but he’s also looking at Alex with so much unguarded sincerity that Alex wants to scream. How is Henry always so goddamn genuine? Always worrying about Alex when there is nothing to worry about.

Alex wishes he was a better man. A stronger one, too. But he isn’t so he agrees, and five minutes later he’s sprawled on their couch, with his head in Henry’s lap and Henry’s fingers in his hair, massaging his temples.

He lets out a contented sigh and whispers a “Thank you,” before he falls asleep, feeling a little bit lighter than he has in weeks.

He’s not sure if he appreciates his brain for conjuring up the the feeling of Henry’s lips on his forehead right before he drifts off. It feels heavenly all the same.

***

Alex had a friend in elementary school. His name was Jake and he lived a few houses down his street, so when Alex saw him in a few of his classes the first few weeks of school he decided to befriend him. Jake had an awesome treehouse and his parents let him watch scary movies. He had a lot of energy, just like Alex did, so they’d often play together or hang out in the treehouse.

Alex really liked Jake, even if he made fun of Alex sometimes and called him weird for spending so much time at the library reading everything he could find about dinosaurs. Alex didn’t let it deter him. Dinosaurs were cool.

Or at least he thought so, until one day he overheard Jake talking to some boys in their class about how weird Alex was for liking dinosaurs so much, and how annoying it was when he tried to talk about it to Jake too. The boys agreed and laughed, and Alex felt his eyes prick with tears. That night he went home and threw all his books and dinosaur toys in the trash. It was all stupid anyway.

He stopped trying to talk to Jake after that, but he didn’t seem to notice, more than happy to be friends with other people. In two weeks it was like Alex had never existed at all. Jake was friends with the boys he was making fun of Alex with, and if Alex spent a few weeks crying into his pillow about it, no one had to know.

Alex swore off having friends after that. He didn’t need any. He only had to get through a few hours of school alone every day, and then he could come home and hang out with June. June never told Alex his interests were weird. June never made fun of him.

When Alex was in middle school he overheard June talking to her friends about how worried she was that Alex had no friends his age. It had stung but Alex knew she was right. He swore he would try and make some friends at school just so June wouldn’t worry. That’s how he met Chris and Paul. They’ve been childhood friends who just happened to be in the same gym and English classes Alex was. They liked the same sports so Alex tried to bond with them over that. They struck up a conversation and started hanging out more together and Alex thought it was going fine. He finally had someone to talk to when he was at school, and June seemed relieved when he started telling her about things they did together at school.

With time Alex felt like maybe swearing off having friends a few years before was a rash and stupid decision. He had fun hanging out and eating lunch with Tom and Paul every day. He thought they felt the same, until one day they took Alex aside during the lunch break and told him that while they liked him, and Alex is fun to hang out with from time to time, they didn’t really consider him their friend, and it made them uncomfortable when Alex invited himself over all the time. Alex remembers nodding and walking out of the cafeteria that day, his food untouched, before locking himself in the bathroom and willing his tears to go away. He faked being ill for a whole week after that, because he didn’t want to go back to school and face the boys again. He’d been so stupid.

He tried not to let it get to him when Paul and Chris befriended another boy from his class. Maybe they were open to other friendships. Just not one with Alex. In fact, it was all so embarrassing that Alex avoided them until they all graduated a year and a half later.

Alex knew June was disappointed when he stopped talking about the guys at home. When she asked why he wasn’t friends with them anymore he’d lied and said they weren’t as cool as he had previously thought. June had sighed but ruffled his hair anyway. Alex hated that he let her down again.  

Then, there was high school. This time, Alex had a lot of acquaintances. A lot of people liked him. He didn’t spend all his days alone anymore. He was the captain of the lacrosse team, he joined a lot of different clubs and societies. Yet, he had no luck making any real friends, until he met Liam.

Liam was kind and funny. He had a sweet smile that made Alex feel good and safe. He never complained about Alex talking too much or being a little restless. He asked Alex to hang out even when he didn’t have to. When the other guys from the lacrosse team went home after the game, he still wanted to hang out with Alex just the two of them. They did everything together and for the first time in his life Alex had a real friend. And if sometimes they got off together? This was probably what all hormonal teenagers did with their best friends.

In fact, Alex was so comfortable that he never even anticipated Liam pulling the rug from under him so suddenly. At first when Liam started avoiding him Alex thought that maybe he was just having a bad day, or that he was busy. Then, he thought that maybe Liam had found a girlfriend and was spending all his time with her. It would make sense. Liam had been a little absent-minded recently, and when Alex asked him about it Liam had blushed scarlet and stammered over his words. So Alex thought he hit the jackpot. He tried not to question why the thought of Liam having a girlfriend made him feel a little unsettled.

But then Liam started declining Alex’s offers to hang out more and more, he never called him anymore, and didn’t keep his window open so Alex could climb through it. And Alex really could take a hint. He let Liam pull away even if it hurt him to do so.

Which is why he was so surprised when he met Nora the summer after graduation and she stuck around. He wondered if it was because his mom and Nora’s grandfather worked together. Then he and Nora dated briefly before deciding to just stay friends. Alex was sure it was just a polite way of saying Alex was too much, and Nora wanted less of him. Which is why he was so surprised when she woke him up the next day to get breakfast together. And then she kept doing it – eating breakfast together, watching movies, spending time the way they used to before, minus all the sex and kissing. Alex was so fucking confused but he didn’t dare look a gifted horse in the mouth.

Nora stayed. She stayed and Alex really loved her. He wasn’t in love with her, he never really was, but he loved her all the same. With time, he stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. Stopped waiting for her to leave. It was nice. Alex had Nora and he had June and it was enough. It was more than he ever thought he would get.

And then he met Henry, and even though they got off the wrong foot and spent some time hating each other, now they were inseparable. With Henry Alex felt he could be completely himself. Henry had already seen all the worst parts of Alex and they ended up being friends anyway. Henry was Alex’s favorite person. Not just because, as he suspected, he was a little bit in love with him by now. No, it was because no one has ever understood Alex the way Henry did. It was like Henry knew Alex better than Alex knew himself.

With Henry came Pez who charmed June and Nora immediately, and then Bea followed her brother to the States, and so their trio suddenly had grown twice its size. And through it all, Alex realized with a start: He had friends now.

Which is why he has to fix this. He can’t let them be annoyed with him to the point where they tell him they don’t really consider him their friend anymore, or they just pull away slowly to spare his feelings. He can’t have that. He doesn’t want to be alone again.

He needs a new plan. Starting tomorrow, he’ll be the perfect friend. He’ll be exactly what everyone needs. He’ll show them he’s worth keeping around.

***

Alex didn’t know how hard it would be to change. He tries, he really, really does. And if sometimes he has to physically stop himself from speaking, no one has to know.

Today, the six of them are at his and Henry’s place, sitting all around the coffee table, a Monopoly board in front of them, the floor covered in an array of drinks and snacks.

Alex loves this game, it’s his favorite, but he knows he can get too into it and it puts people off. He can get too competitive. Be too much of a smart-ass about it. God, no wonder everyone is fed up with him.

So this time, when Henry lands on his property, but doesn’t realize it, Alex doesn’t remind him to pay rent. And when Pez gets a game rule wrong, and Alex is about to point it out, he bites his lips hard enough to draw blood and shifts to sit on his hands for good measure, all to keep himself from saying or doing anything. It’s Henry who points the mistake out, all while looking at Alex with a frown on his face. Alex lowers his gaze immediately and keeps it on the board, not really seeing anything. He moves on autopilot for the rest of the night, all the joy he usually gets from playing suddenly gone.

***

He tries again and again and again, to find the perfect balance between not being too much, but being present enough that no one forgets he exists. He feels like he succeeds sometimes. Pez reaches out to clasp his shoulder when Alex meets everyone for lunch. Nora laughs at his joke when they’re at the bar. June seems happy when he tells her about his day. Henry knocks at his door, Empire Strikes Back already queued up on his laptop, with a timid smile on his face. Alex doesn’t think he’s ever scrambled off his bed faster.

For the first time in weeks Alex feels like things are going really well, actually. He hasn’t seen anyone roll their eyes at him. No one told him to shut up. Which is exactly why he lets himself talk everyone’s ears off for the first time in weeks.

“It’s such a good opportunity, I could help a lot of people if this all works out. My boss is pretty optimistic,” he says, really excited about the prospect.

“That’s great, Alex! We’re so happy for you,” Henry smiles warmly and squeezes his knee under the table. It feels intimate and makes Alex’s heart flutter.

They’re at June and Nora’s apartment tonight, an array of foods and drinks in front of them. June and Nora are languishing on the couch, legs stretched out on the opposite sides. Bea is curled up in the armchair, a pink furry blanket over her legs, a mug of tea in her hands. Pez is sprawled on the floor, scrolling through their playlist, and Henry is next to Alex, sitting cross-legged on the carpet, stuffing his face with an assortment of different snacks, because he is never beating the sweet tooth allegations.

Alex hasn’t felt this comfortable in ages, so he barrels on.

“I feel like this is why I wanted to practice law in the first place?” he says. “This program could help bring families together again. It could help people find jobs and shelter. If we can just make it work and get the funds. But my bosses seem pretty optimistic about it,” he adds. Henry is smiling at him and Alex smiles back. “I have so many ideas, too! If we could just get a group of volunteers, there would be a possibility of organizing more events, and –”

“Uh, oh,” Nora interjects, smirking. “Someone’s excited. We almost forgot the sound of your yapping these days,” she jokes, and Alex frowns, as a ripple of laughter runs through the room.

“Everything is right in the world again,” Pez chuckles. “Our certified yapper is back at it.”

Everyone laughs and something in Alex breaks.

 “Can you guys fucking stop?” he yells suddenly, his voice raw. He can feel all five pairs of eyes on him. “It really fucking hurts when you do that, actually. I’m sorry. I know I talk too much, I know I’m too fucking much all the time, but I’ve been trying to tone it down for weeks now. I’m really trying. I can take a hint, you can stop now. Please,” his voice cracks on the last word, tears springing into his eyes at record speed. “Please, stop,” he whispers as his voice fails him. A few tears make their way down his cheeks.

All his friends are just staring at him, eyes wide. He’s pretty sure Pez’s mouth is hanging open but he can’t see very well through the tears.

“Alex,” June starts, sounding stricken.

“Fuck,” he chokes out before letting out an uncontrollable sob. He slaps his hand over his mouth, and tries to rub his eyes, but it doesn’t help, the tears just keep coming. “I’m gonna go,” he says before he all but runs out of June and Nora’s apartment like a coward.

He has no recollection of how he gets home. He must have ran, judging by how erratic his breathing is and the way his shirt clings to him with sweat. June and Nora’s place is not that far from his and Henry’s, but it’s still at least 15 minutes away. No wonder he can barely breathe. The second he reaches his bed, his knees give out and he plants face first into his pillows, gathering them all up in his arms and hugging them desperately to his chest.

It hurts. It hurts so fucking bad. Why does no one ever want him?

He’s sobbing, and for once he doesn’t fucking care if anyone hears him. There is no one here anyway and the neighbors can suck it. He weeps like he never has before, loud, ugly sobs echoing through the apartment, his heart squeezing painfully in his chest. He can barely breathe.

He cries for little Alex, who was told he was too much. He cries for teenage Alex who was told no one wanted to be his friend. He cried for the Alex who’s been left by people over and over again. He cries for the Alex of today, the Alex who finally felt comfortable enough to be himself around his friends, only to find out he was wrong.

He cries, and cries, and cries until he hears the floorboards in front of his room creak and there is a soft knock at his door. It must be Henry. It’s always Henry, checking in on him, even when Alex is being annoying and doesn’t deserve it.

Alex wishes he could pretend to be asleep but he can’t stop sniffling and hiccupping no matter how hard he tries.  

The door to his room opens slightly, Henry’s quiet voice startling him anyway.

“Alex, can we come in?”

It’s probably better to get this over with. He’s already embarrassed himself enough with his outburst, no need to be difficult now.

“Yeah,” he croaks out. His throat hurts and his head is killing him.

He’s surprised to see that everyone piles into the room. He was sure they would just send Henry or maybe June to deal with him, but everyone’s here.

June’s eyes are red rimmed and somber, Bea looks so unbelievably sad Alex needs to look away, Pez looks more serious than Alex has ever seen him. Henry’s face is unreadable as he scratches his arms, and Nora looks like she’s seen a ghost – her face pale, her hands trembling, and her eyes red.

It all fucking confuses him, frankly speaking. He can’t think of anything to say.

Henry inches closer to him but hesitates. It somehow makes Alex feels worse so he gestures for everyone to come closer. It’s almost like it’s all Henry’s been waiting for, because before Alex knows it, he is sitting on Alex’s bed, right by Alex’s outstretched legs. Nora takes it as her cue to come closer too, and sits much closer to Alex, June at her side. Pez and Bea also shuffle closer and suddenly Alex is surrounded from all sides.

“Alex,” Nora starts. “We are so, so, so fucking sorry.”

“It’s –”

“Don’t you dare say it’s fine, Little Bit,” June warns, so he shuts up.

Nora takes it as her cue to go on. “We had – I had no idea you were feeling this way. Which is no excuse, but please believe me I would never say or do any of that if I knew it was hurting you,” her eyes water and Alex feels the need to comfort her. He’s never seen her cry before. But he’s hurt too, he still feels like a burden, like he’s too much, like they don’t want him, so he looks away.

His breath hitches and he feels Henry’s gentle hand on his ankle, squeezing in silent support, so he looks up at Nora again.

“Alex,” she says slowly. “No one thinks you’re too much. No one wants less of you. You are so important and we’re all so lucky to have you,” he can’t help but let out a sob again.

“It’s fine. I know I’m a lot,” he says. “I just… I tried really hard to tone it down, but I missed being with you guys and I just wanted my friends, and forgot myself and –”

“Jesus, Alex, no,” June counters. “You’re not a lot, you’re not too much, you’re perfect the way you are and we all love you so much.”

“June’s right,” Bea offers, quiet but determined. “We’re so very sorry. We love you.”

“I promise it’s never gonna happen again,” Nora pleads. “You’re my best friend. I’m so sorry. I know I give you shit all the time, but I never mean to hurt you. You know that, right?” she questions, her eyes looking for Alex’s, her teeth worrying her bottom lip.

“I know,” he whispers. He thinks he knows that. He loves Nora. He loves everyone here. “It’s just, it hurts when you guys make fun of me or roll your eyes at me when I’m talking. I know I can be annoying or forget myself and talk over you but I don’t do it on purpose,” he takes a deep breath and decides to go for honesty. “I’ve never had many friends, June knows this. Maybe I don’t know how to act, but you guys always made me feel good. Comfortable. I thought I could handle the jokes, but they hurt anyway.”

“You shouldn’t have to handle anything,” June cries. “We should have never joked about it in the first place. Nora’s right. I know I tease you sometimes but I never want to hurt you, I love you so much, Alex. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you, Bug,” Alex won’t lie. He does feel a little bit better.

“Alexander, darling,” Pez adds from his spot by the dresser. “You should never have to mold yourself to fit in. Especially not with us. You’re perfect exactly the way you are. Don’t ever let anyone treat you like you’re not remarkable. Not even us,” Pez sounds so sincere that Alex’s face screws up again.

He’s not mad at them. He never was. He was hurt, but seeing everyone so distraught at the thought of hurting him is helping. He needs to make sure, though.

“And you guys don’t think I’m annoying?”

“Of course not!” June shouts.

“And you haven’t been talking behind my back?” he feels pathetic just asking about it, but he needs to know.

He feels another pang of hurt when everyone glances around at each other. Maybe he was onto something.

“We were talking, but not in the way you think,” Bea explains.

“We were worried about you, darling,” Henry speaks for the first time that evening. Alex’s eyes snap to him immediately. Henry looks rough, his eyes are red, but he looks really, really mad, which doesn’t fill Alex with much confidence. He’s still rubbing Alex’s ankle, though, gentle, almost loving touches that make Alex relax unconsciously. “You’ve been so sad and quiet recently and we were trying to figure out what was going on. That’s what we were talking about when you came into the room at June and Nora’s.”

“Oh.”

“Alex,” Nora’s hand on his bicep makes him look at her again. She looks determined. “You are our friend. We want you here. No one is talking badly about you. We’re very sorry about everything. I promise it’s never gonna happen again. Okay?”

“Okay,” he whispers. “Thank you.”

Nora grabs Alex’s palm in both of hers and squeezes.

To be honest, Alex has never seen Nora this emotional before. It shakes him to his core, and makes him realize that perhaps his brain was lying to him. He is loved. He must be loved, because Nora looks seconds away from bursting into tears at the thought of hurting him. His Nora, whose love language is gentle bullying and teasing. The same girl who is always prepared for everything and straight to the point. She looks so distraught that Alex feels the immediate need to gather her up in his arms and hug her, his own feelings be damned. But it does make him realize that no one here intended to hurt him. It makes him realize that, while it was painful, it was all a giant misunderstanding. He trusts them to never make him feel this way again. He feels loved, even though he knows the insecurities won’t go away any time soon.

“Could… could we lay off the Alex is talking too much jokes for a little bit?” he feels brave enough to ask.

“Done,” Nora says immediately. “Never again.”

It’s then that Alex realizes she’s waiting for forgiveness. She won’t ask for it, but Alex can tell she’s hoping for it.

“I forgive you,” he says simply, and her eyes snap back to his. “All of you,” he adds, so there are no doubts. “I’m sorry I made a big deal out of this. I feel stupid. I know you guys would never want to hurt me.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Bea says firmly.

“Nothing,” Pez emphasizes as well.

“We love you,” June assures.

“I love you guys too,” his voice breaks, but he’s no longer sad. His heart feels fuller than it has in weeks.

It’s also that moment when Alex realizes how exhausted he feels. The whole emotional rollercoaster leaves him blinking owlishly at everyone, trying to will his brain to stay online a little bit longer.

“Right, my darlings!” Pez claps his hands. “We should let our boy Alexander get some rest. He looks like he’s about to fall asleep sitting up. Will we see you tomorrow for trivia night?”

“Of course,” Alex whispers back. “And uh,” he stammers. “Maybe we could meet over the weekend? Hang out?” he sounds so lame and timid he wants to cringe at himself, but he’s met with five different shouts of enthusiastic consent and he forgets to feel embarrassed about it.

“Okay. See you tomorrow, mate” Pez says, moving closer to squeeze Alex’s shoulder.

“See you tomorrow, Alex,” Bea is next. Hugging Alex gently for longer than he ever remembers. He smiles.

June takes his face into her hands and kisses his forehead a few times. “Call me if you need anything and I’ll see u tomorrow Little Bit.”

Nora is last. She hugs him and tucks her head into Alex’s neck, her lips close enough to Alex’s ear for him to hear her whisper: “I love you, Alex, you are so loved,” her voice cracking.

“I love you, too,” he hums back.  

Henry raises with everyone the second Nora releases him. “I’ll walk you guys out,” he offers and the uneasy feeling in Alex’s gut is back.

It doesn’t escape Alex that Henry has barely said the word to him in the last hour. He looks angry and miserable, and Alex doesn’t like it. Is Henry trying to get away from him as soon as possible?

Before Alex can spiral any further Henry comes back and stands in the doorway with a dark expression on his face, which makes Alex anxious so he gestures for Henry to sit on the bed next to Alex again. He taps the bed two times and Henry takes the hint and sits.

He is quiet for a little bit too long for Alex’s liking so he blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind. “Are you mad at me?”

Henry’s head whips towards him at the speed of light.

“Christ, no, Alex, of course not!” he turns fully towards Alex and looks him in the eye but Alex can see that he’s still mad.

“You look mad. I’m sorry if I offended you –”

“Darling no, I’m mad at myself.”

“What? Why?”

“I can’t fucking believe that I made you think, even for a moment, that you were living in a world where you were anything but unconditionally loved.”

And well. That leaves Alex kinda speechless. He looks away, or at least he tries to, but Henry grabs his wrist. Alex looks at their hands, Henry’s palm slowly sliding down Alex’s wrist until their hands are intertwined.

When Henry squeezes his hand, Alex finally looks up at him to see a determined but apprehensive look on Henry’s face, like he had just decided something important. Alex swallows in anticipation.

“Alex, you are so loved. Everyone loves you,” Alex tries to look away, but Henry doesn’t let him. “I love you.” Alex looks back at him, startled. “Darling, I love you so much. I’m so sorry I made you think I thought you were too much–”

“It’s okay, H.”

“No, it’s not okay. You are not too much. You could never be too much. On the contrary. I could never get enough of you. Every single day I wake up and I’m happy that I will get to see you in the kitchen in a moment. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have you in my life, love. You’re the brightest star out there and you shine so bright, and don’t ever let anyone dim your light. You are so special, Alex. You could never be too much. You could never be unloved.”

“I love you too, H, you’re my favorite person,” Alex admits quietly, because it’s true. Even if Henry doesn’t love Alex the same way, Alex wants him to know.

“I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to say, love. I love you, Alex. I’m so in love with you I don’t know what to do with myself sometimes,” Alex gasps, his heart beating out of his chest. “You are my first thought in the morning, and my last thought before I fall asleep. There is no universe where I don’t love you, Alex.”

“Hen–”

“I’m not saying it to guilt you into anything. You don’t have to answer or do anything about it. We can pretend I never said anything,” Henry insists, even though he looks like he wants to do anything but that, like the thought pains him, his face screwed up in pain. “But I needed you to know, because I can’t bear the thought of you believing you are anything but the best person I’ve ever known, and the love of my life,” Henry’s voice breaks.

“Fuck, Hen,” Alex’s eyes well up and overflow again and he all but throws himself into Henry’s arms. Henry squeezes him back and rubs his back slowly. “I love you too, Henry. I’m in love with you too. I just didn’t think you would feel the same.”

Henry pulls away a little bit, and looks at Alex properly, his eyes wide and hopeful. He’s so fucking beautiful Alex doesn’t know what to do with himself.

“Really?” he asks, voice barely audible.

“Of course, how could I not be? I wasn’t lying when I said you were my favorite person in the world.”

They both seem to agree to take a moment to look at each other. Henry’s eyes are so big, and so, so blue, Alex never wants to stop looking into them, but his eyes have a mind of their own and look down at Henry’s lips at the same time Henry says “Alex, can I kiss you?”

“Please,” he whispers, not wanting to break the moment.

Henry kisses him gently, slowly, like he’s something precious and delicate. For all the fire under Alex’s ass, he doesn’t want to deepen the kiss right now. He’s perfectly content the way he is. There will be time for that in the future. For now, Alex feels warm and safe and cared for in Henry’s arms and it’s enough. It’s everything.

When Henry pulls away and looks at Alex like he’s something to be cherished, Alex feels treasured.

When Henry makes them get ready for bed, laying out the softest clothes for Alex to change into, Alex feels taken care of.

When they fall asleep, tangled together, their hearts beating in sync, Alex feels precious.

In the morning, when Alex wakes up and Henry is already awake, still holding him and smiling, Alex feels loved.