Chapter Text
In truth, Freminet hadn't known what to do once he found out about his feelings for Mika. Much less what he was supposed to do when he found out about Mika's feelings for him. He'd asked his siblings first, of course, and they told him to confess until he explained just how he felt.
"I think I might like Mika," Freminet said unceremoniously as he plopped down on the couch. Lyney immediately perked up at that, the mention of romance most likely sending his imagination into overdrive.
It was a regular Saturday afternoon, where nobody really had anything interesting to be doing with themselves. Lyney was sprawled out on the couch, watching another one of his ridiculous soap operas. Freminet remembered that he and Lynette were supposed to be watching this one together, but Lyney had missed the past few episodes due to him being busy with schoolwork. Lynette herself wasn't in the house at the moment, out with Arlecchino running errands.
"Are you going to confess?" He asks without turning away from his show.
"What? No. Why would I do that?"
"Aw, c'mon! Why not? I mean, you guys are best friends. And I'm pretty sure he likes you back, so go confess your feelings! You can give him a rainbow rose after school, then take him out on a date the same day! Me and Lynette will have the house all to ourselves..." He turns to Freminet with a frown. "Just don't bring your mushy romance in here, okay? I'm single enough as it is..."
Freminet rolled his eyes at his brother's antics. "I'm not confessing my feelings. I'm not even sure if they're the same."
"What do you mean?"
"Well," the blonde wrung his hands and sighed. "He likes me. I know he likes me. But I don't think I like him the same way he does me."
"How do you think he likes you?" Lyney turns down the television and gives his attention to Freminet.
"He wants to kiss me, that much I'm sure of. He keeps looking at my lips every time I speak to him. Plus, he... he's so- shy now. He can't keep looking at me for long, and when he thinks I'm not looking, he'll spare glances at me and turn red when I find out. He's started giving me little things and sitting closer and reaching for my hand when we walk. Truth to Focalors, it's kinda cute." A slight smile curls on his lips.
Lyney passes him a grimace. "Jeez, just how in love with you is he?"
"It's bad. And I feel even worse because I like him too, I just don't like him like that." The younger sighs, bringing his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his knees.
"Well, it's better to not get his hopes up, right?" The older shrugs.
"Yeah, but I don't want to hurt him."
"Freminet," Lyney turns to him with a serious face. He puts his hands on Freminet's shoulders as he says, "With what you've told me, he's gonna get hurt either way. If you turn him down, he'll be heartbroken but at least he'll get over it in the long run. If you lead him on and even start a relationship with him when you can't give him what you think he wants, then he'll get upset and it'll break both of you. I don't want to see you hurt like that. I don't want to see either of you hurt like that!"
The blonde sighed. What was he supposed to do in this situation? If it'd end in failure and heartbreak either way, then was it even worth it to continue with what they had?
"But... I don't want to leave him. We may not have been friends for long, but I can't imagine my life without him anymore."
Lyney heaved a big sigh. "You still haven't told me how you feel about him."
"Because I don't know how I feel!"
Lyney shakes him at that, an exasperated sigh coupled with an exaggerated eyeroll falling out of him. "Just- describe it as best you can, yeah?"
"Well," Freminet looks away. "I want to be with him all the time. I don't mind the closeness as much as I thought I would, honestly. He's nice, sweet, and easy to be around. I just- I value our friendship too much to actually tell him that. I don't want him thinking I like him like that."
"Why not? It seems like the two of you like each other as something more than friends, so it's not like you'll be rejected."
"Yes, but, if he were to find out... he might get... bolder, in his affections." A blush overtook the younger's features as he murmured those words.
"You don't want to kiss him?"
"No!"
Which leads him to his situation now- that conversation had happened about a week ago, and it was still fresh in his mind as Freminet watched Mika next to him. The blonde was happily eating his mint flavored ice cream, despite it still being the dead of winter, and he'd offered Freminet some. He couldn't say no, not when Mika was looking at him like that, all pleading eyes and jutted cheeks. The younger had a creeping suspicion that Mika knew this weakness of his, which is why he exploited it more often than not.
"What do you think?" Mika asks him after he's tasted his share.
Freminet smiles at him, all sweet and soft as he usually finds himself doing when in the others' presence. "I still think mine is better."
"You're crazy!" The blonde gasps dramatically. Freminet chuckles a bit at the show. "I will not tolerate this mint ice cream slander!"
"Try mines first, and then you'll understand," the younger passes over his cone so Mika can taste some. As expected, his eyes light up with delight once he takes the chocolate chip cookie dough flavored dessert into his mouth.
"It is good," he concedes with a solemn nod. "But I stand by my statement; mint is still better!"
"Whatever you say," Freminet wipes some stray ice cream off of Mika's cheek with a napkin. He marvels as he watches the other's face light up with a blush.
Sharing ice cream on a park bench in the middle of winter- wiping ice cream off each other's faces after school and sitting too close for it to be a merely platonic sight- was awfully romantic, wasn't it? Freminet racked his brain for anything that seemed romantic in Mika's acts towards him. His friend was always considerate towards others, and he loved to share, so it wasn't out of the ordinary for them to share food. But what Freminet just did... that was something he really only saw in Lyney and Lynette's soap operas.
Get yourself together, idiot. He's gonna get the wrong idea.
Truthfully, Freminet didn't want Mika to get hurt. He wanted to stay by the other's side for as long as he could, but he doesn't know if he could handle it if their relationship took a turn for one of a romantic type. He could hold hands with the guy, sure- they already have and do so on a regular basis anyways- but he doesn't know if he could kiss him. Hold him close, run his hands up and down the expanse of his skin, his mouth close to follow. He doesn't know if he could take it farther than simple hugs and absent-minded cuddles. He knows he doesn't want it, wouldn't start it if given the opportunity.
But if Mika asked him to...
Would he do it?
He wouldn't.
Yet, he still wishes to be close to the other boy.
To pull him close as they watch movies, to intertwine his hands with the other as they walk, to laugh with him at stupid things they say on late night calls. He wants to eat lunch with him every day, to help him study for upcoming tests they forgot about, to play video games with him on their off days. He wants to see him even later on in his life, wants them to stay together for as long as possible.
He loves Mika. Wants to pass all of his affections over, to smother the other in them.
But he doesn't want to be misinterpreted.
The way that Mika looks at him, it's affectionate, loving, but there's an undercurrent of lust if Freminet looks hard enough. It's apparent when he catches Mika's eyes lingering on his lips for a fraction of a second before he snaps them back up to Freminet's eyes. It's apparent when he leans ever so closer, close enough for Freminet to know that he wants, even if he never says anything.
There are moments when Freminet's worried that they'll kiss. Mika always backs away the last second, his lips only a breath away from Freminet's. He'll lean in sometimes, when they're doing homework. Stretch himself across the table to whine to Freminet about how he hates the homework they're doing and wishes he could get a reward. Freminet will look down at him with a smirk, and Mika's eyes will light up. He'll lean closer, whisper something about asking for a kiss, and back away with a red face saying he was only joking. Freminet will sift his fingers through the other's hair as a response, his own face too red to process proper words to say.
He doesn't know if he could do it, if he's being honest.
It's less of that they're both boys and more of he doesn't really feel that way. He loves Mika, he knows he does, but he doesn't know if he loves him enough to kiss him.
The thought is stupid, but he gets hung up on it sometimes. Can't help himself, even. But the thing is- he doesn't know when it stops being platonic and turns romantic. Is a kiss a good enough stopping point for friends? He's seen Mika kiss his friends before, on the hand or cheek, even the head sometimes in a playful manner, but never on the lips.
Kissing is a good stopping point for friends, he thinks.
But where does that leave everything else they've done?
They hold hands regularly. Friends do that often enough, and so do family members. But is it normal for friends to be doing homework together, on opposite sides of the table, yet their hands are laid atop each other on the surface?
When they're walking, Mika's hands will find his, and his fingers will automatically fit between Freminet's. He likes the feeling, seeks it out on his own sometimes even. It's grounding, in a way, to know that Mika is there, to know that he's not going anywhere, and to know that he likes Freminet back.
When they're eating lunch, the blonde will play with his fingers and rub circles into his palm. If he's feeling especially bold, Freminet will feel Mika press a soft kiss to his knuckles, and when he turns to look at him, the other will turn away, the tips of his ears reddening. Freminet doesn't comment on it, mainly because he doesn't want it to stop, but he also doesn't know why Mika does it. Is it because he likes Freminet? If he points it out, will Mika become too embarrassed to do it again?
There are other things, too. Their friends say the two of them are attached at the hip. Freminet didn't notice it at first, but he realizes soon with startling clarity how often Mika is in his space, and just how often he's in Mika's. When they sit, they naturally gravitate to each other, and their shoulders are constantly bumping when they walk. Mika will lay his head on Freminet's shoulder when he's tired in the mornings, and Freminet will scratch at his scalp to let him steal a few more moments of rest during class. Freminet will pull Mika into his side when they watch movies at either of their houses, and his hand will find Mika's waist in a matter of minutes. It doesn't really do much other than sit there, the heavy weight and warmth of it more than enough to get the blonde snuggling into his side.
It's comfortable, and he doesn't want it to end.
Freminet will find himself thinking of the other when he has a moment to spare. He'll be in the store and see something that reminds him of the blonde and he'll smile to himself. He'll eat dinner with his family and wonder what Mika would've thought if he'd been there to share it with them.
It's in these moments when he'll get a text from Mika, saying something like I missed you! or I wish you were here for this. A stupid, dopey grin will spread across his face when he reads the texts, and he'll type out an equally sappy message if he's feeling bold enough. I miss you too, or if only we could be together 24/7, his texts will sometimes read. Mika always takes a bit longer to respond when he does this, and Freminet finds the notion incredibly adorable.
"Hello? Earth to Freminet," Mika says, waving a hand in front of his face. The younger jolts and turns, shaking away his thoughts and returning back to the moment. Freminet looks over to his side and notices the way Mika looks at him. The adoration in his eyes, the blush on his cheeks- it was all too clear how he felt. The blonde took in a breath. How was he supposed to deal with this?
"Ah, sorry," he says instead, scratching the back of his neck. He's going to stall for as long as he needs if it means avoiding this weird atmosphere.
"What were you thinking about?"
You, he almost confesses. But that sounds too romantic in this context. He settles on saying "Nothing much, just the topic of my next English assignment."
To that, he gets a grumble and a furrow of eyebrows. "Thinking of schoolwork even when we're outside of school? That's some crazy dedication, Freminet."
"Yeah, well some of us can't do all of our assignments last minute and still get straight A's," he pokes at Mika's eyebrows with his finger, sneakily smoothing out the creases there.
The other fondly rolls his eyes. The conversation is steered towards more familiar territory then, when they start talking about their upcoming tests and shared dread.
"I'll help you study again," he offers. Mika almost tears up.
"Oh, thank you, Freminet! You're a lifesaver! I don't know what I would do without you, honestly!"
"Fail your tests, probably," he jokes.
Mika laughs, airy and light. "Guess so," he agrees. "Still, thank you! I'm so happy, I could kiss you!" He opens his arms widely and clings to Freminet like an octopus, lips pursed like a fish.
"Don't," The statement is said a bit too harshly, and to keep up the jovial mood, Freminet eases it with a quick, "You said you were saving your first for someone special, right? You don't want to waste it on me."
"...Yeah." It's said a bit dejectedly, and Mika's eyes dim a bit when the words leave his mouth. Freminet frowns, upset that he ruined the mood anyway, but he doesn't know what to do about it. He's saved from saying anything else, however, when Mika abruptly stands up from the bench and pumps his fist into the air.
"Alright! Before we get to studying, let's enjoy ourselves some more!" He turns to Freminet with his usual blinding smile, this time just a bit dimmer, and offers his hand. "What do you say?"
Freminet takes it without a second thought and allows himself to be pulled along.
Midterms are harsh. It leaves them with nothing but the skin on their bones, their souls having already left their bodies somewhere along the last quadratic equation. They'd been at it for hours, immediately breaking out the study sheets as soon as they got to Freminet's house from school. Truth to Focalors, Freminet is so bone-tired he could pass out at the table. It doesn't matter that his body is hunched, and his neck is craned in an uncomfortably odd angle, he just wants to sleep.
Mika doesn't look much better across the table, but he at least manages to pull himself together enough to stand up. He pads over to Freminet, interlocking their fingers and tugging softly, until the two are stumbling to the couch and flopping onto it. Freminet's sure the remote is underneath him somewhere, sadly being squashed between the couch cushions, but he can't find himself to care. Not when Mika's on top of him, more dead weight than anything else, but still warm and soft and so, so sleepy. He feels more than hears the grumbles the blonde lets out, and with the last bits of his energy, he brings his arms up to wrap around the other. Mika noses at his neck, his breath fanning warmly over the skin there, but he does nothing more than simply breathe Freminet in. Freminet turns his head towards the other, resting into his hair. A ghost of a smile passes over his lips.
"Only for a few minutes," He mumbles. They still have more studying to do, and then review before they're ready for their tests, but Freminet knows it'll all be lost if they don't end up taking breaks.
Mika agrees with him, the sound barely there, and his breaths even out almost instantly. Freminet follows not too long after, and the two rest peacefully on the couch.
They're not asleep for a few minutes. Hours pass by; the sun dips below the horizon, and eventually, it is the tantalizing smell of dinner that draws Freminet out of his slumber. Their nap will most likely interrupt his sleep schedule, but he's not too worried about that right now. When he wakes, he belatedly takes note of a change in their positions. Firstly, Mika is no longer on top of him. The weight that he'd once provided has now been replaced by a blanket, and Mika's cradled close to his chest. They're both laying on their sides, the blonde's back being pushed into the back of the couch with how close they are to it, and Mika's arms are around Freminet's waist. Their legs are tangled together under the blanket, and the older has started to drool a bit in his sleep, but Freminet can't bring himself to mind. The entire situation is warm, and it leaves him feeling happy and satiated. He pulls Mika impossibly closer and buries his face into his hair. His hands run up and down Mika's back, a soothing gesture more than anything, and it rouses the other awake.
"Hey," he whispers between them when he sees the other's eyes blink open. The blonde smiles at him, soft and sweet and oh so warm, closes his eyes and greets him back.
"Hey, yourself," it's said in a groggy voice, still thickly laced with sleep, and Freminet thinks he wants this moment to last forever. He never wants to get up from this couch, even if it rots and gives him bedsores.
His fingers dip underneath Mika's shirt, exploring the skin he can reach, and the blonde shivers.
"Your skin is so cold," Freminet marvels.
"Your hand is just warm," Mika relents. He doesn't push it away, which the other figures is a good thing, instead shoving his nose back into the crook between Freminet's neck and shoulder. His breaths are stuttered at first, hitching ever so slightly whenever Freminet's finger rolls over a knob in his spine. They soon even out, and the blonde is lulled into another dreamlike state.
Freminet is on his way to one too, when Lynette comes into view over the other side of the couch. She leans over the top of it, a small smile on her lips as she takes in the scene before asking him, "Are you guys awake enough for dinner?"
"Give us a minute," is all that he says before he slips his eyes closed again, trying his best to hold onto the last slivers of this moment.
Mika's stomach rumbles loudly between them before Freminet's had the chance to truly doze off.
Begrudgingly, the two get up from the couch and go over to the table to eat dinner with the rest of Freminet's family. The meal is nice, some simple rice and stew, but the vegetables are cut into cute little shapes. Lynette likes to do that when she cooks, and Freminet finds it incredibly endearing. Mika always says that makes the food taste even better than it already does, and the praise makes his sister smile.
It's much too late into the night for Mika to go home when they finish dinner, so he calls his brother to let him know that he's staying over Freminet's place. Freminet busies himself with getting his bag packed for tomorrow- refilling his water bottle, taking the time to sharpen his pencils and replace any loose paper he's running low on. Mika roots through his drawer for a pair of pajamas, already used to doing so when they'd had sleepovers in the past. Freminet always keeps a spare toothbrush on the counter for him, and the blonde uses that to ready himself for bed.
When they're both clad in their pajamas and tucked into bed, they can't fall asleep. Freminet expected this to happen, what with their nap from earlier, but he still can't rip the unease forming in his chest. Even if they'd slept earlier, they still needed to go to bed soon or else they'd be tired in the morning. He didn't want to be late in the morning- especially since Mika probably needed to back to his house to get clothes to wear for tomorrow.
Before his thoughts can get the better of him, he feels a hand slip into his and a thumb rub into his palm. Mika pulls him into his chest, a reverse of their positions from earlier in the evening, and cards his fingers through his hair, his hand never once unlinking from Freminet's.
It's this that he loves, this that he craves. To be held close in the middle of the night, to be comforted even without expressing words of dismay. How Mika can just know, know how he feels and know what to do to make him feel better. Freminet scoots just a bit closer, clutches Mika's fingers just a bit tighter, and hides his smile in his shirt that Mika is wearing.
It'll smell just like him in the morning.
That's the last thought he has before he's pulled to sleep, surrounded by the warmth he loves oh so much on all sides.
The next few days pass by in a sleepy haze. Mika goes back to his house to get his things, they walk to school together as usual, and spend more time studying during lunch than eating. Midterms leave them so busy the next week that they barely see each other. They see each other, yes, but all those times are filled with assignments and stress that they don't count. They're never given time to just bask in the other's presence, never given time to goof off and joke around. Never given time to stare at each other, like Mika loves doing nowadays, when he thinks Freminet isn't looking. He'll lean his cheek into his palm, and gaze over at the other, affection so obviously written all over his features Freminet's surprised it took him this long to notice anything.
Freminet, for his part, doesn't know what to do in those moments, so he lets them linger. Allows Mika's eyes to drag over his form slowly, and pretends to not notice the blush that adorns his cheeks when he turns back to look at him.
He wishes he could do something about it. He wants to tell Mika he loves him, but he's afraid of the timing. Afraid he'll say something wrong and push the blonde away forever.
He doesn't want that, so he'll keep his thoughts to himself.
He'll keep telling Mika he loves him with the little things he does.
He'll bookmark the pages of the textbook they went over in class when Mika falls asleep.
He'll keep a spare hoodie in his locker when Mika inevitably gets cold in the middle of the day.
He'll keep smiling at him, keep holding his hand, keep sticking close to him every time they meet.
He'll keep saying I love you.
But he'll never actually say it.
The thought of bringing it up to Lynette crosses his mind. His talk with Lyney had been cut short when the girls arrived home from their errands, and his brother never got to tell him what to do about his dilemma.
Freminet doesn't get to tell Lynette about it, either, since the day he resolves to do so is the day Mika just so happens to confess to him.
It's after their midterms, and Mika told him that if he'd passed with flying colors then he'd celebrate in the best possible way, and now here they were- walking home after school, hand-in-hand, meandering around on the streets longer than they really should be doing in the middle of winter.
It's still ice cold outside, the snow having melted long ago but the chill in the air stubbornly sticking behind. The two boys are bundled up to their toes, scarves wrapped around their necks and shirts tucked into their pants. Freminet's free hand is tucked into his pocket, his other laced snugly with Mika's. He can't really feel his other hand, it having been left out in the cold for too long. He's pretty sure Mika can't feel his hand either, but that hasn't pulled them apart yet and Freminet doesn't think it ever will.
They walk into a convenience store, both to warm up and to buy a few snacks. Freminet insists on paying the fee this time, since Mika's supposed to be celebrating. Mika still buys something anyways, and has Freminet stand out in the cold while he pays for it. The younger wonders what it is.
When the blonde comes outside, a small bag hastily stuffed into his pocket, he wastes no time in linking his hand through Freminet's and continuing their walk down the street. It's when they take a turn at the end of the road that Freminet finally realizes where they're going; the park where they'd first met. The park they were just at last week, sharing ice cream in the freezing cold and laughing all the way home. The park where they had the fondest memories at.
Why did Mika bring me here? A small sense of dread piles up in the back of Freminet's stomach.
He keeps his eyes trained in front of him, pretends he doesn't see the slight shifting of his friend next to him.
His friend. Mika and him are friends, and only that. They both want to go farther than that, but Freminet doesn't know if he can go in the direction Mika wants.
I love you, but do I not love you enough? Is my love going to hurt you in the end?
Mika leads the two of them to the bench they were on last week, and instead of ice cream, he hands Freminet the crumpled bag from the convenience store that he'd hid in his pocket earlier.
"Don't uh- don't open it right now," he'd told him. "Wait until you get home."
"Why?" Freminet had foolishly asked.
"Because," Mika had replied, a wobbly smile on his face. He didn't say anything else on the matter, so Freminet set the topic aside, and finally turned to face the other boy.
"This is kinda awkward," Mika chuckled and scratched the back of his neck. His hand was still clasped around Freminet's own, and the younger really couldn't find it in him to take them out. He didn't want to lose the last connection they had.
It was foolish of him to pitifully hold onto something he was going to ruin, anyways.
"I guess I should just come out and say it," the blonde took in a deep breath to steady himself. Freminet mirrored the action.
"I like you, Freminet. Have for a while now. And I was wondering if-"
Freminet put his free hand to Mika's mouth, and quieted him before he could continue saying what he had started.
"I already know what you're going to say, and I have a response for you."
It broke his heart to see how bright Mika's eyes had gotten brighter at what he said. He retracted his hand.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Well- uh-" Why was he chickening out at the last second? Mika deserved to know, deserved to be let down easy. Stringing him along would only bring about more pain.
"I- I can't. Accept your confession, that is."
"What..?" The blonde tilted his head to the side.
"You heard what I said," it came out so much harsher than he had intended it to, and Mika recoiled at his tone. This isn't what he wanted to do.
Freminet reached out a hand, flinching when his friend backed away from him. The distance wasn't much- they were still sitting on the same bench anyways, and he could feel Mika's thigh next to his- but his hand had left the safety of Freminet's own. The distance between them now- it was so much greater than he remembered it to be. He pulled his hand back, Mika wouldn't reach for it again now, he knew.
"I'm sorry," he tried, tried so pathetically to rectify what he had shattered. "I'm sorry, I really am."
"It's not your fault," Mika placated him, though his words were empty, hollow. A shadow of a smile passed on his face, a horrid attempt to seem fine when Freminet knew he wasn't.
You don't understand, he wanted to yell. I love you, I really do. But I can't love you like how you want me to love you. I can't give you what you want from me, but I still don't want to let you go.
Freminet sat on the park bench, in the bitter cold of that late February afternoon, and watched as his closest friend walked away from him. The bag in his lap grew heavy, and he wanted to throw it away before he could even open it.
But that wouldn't be fair, a part of mind told him. Mika had spent money on it, had thought about him and picked out something he would like. He deserved for it to at least be looked at.
I don't deserve this, he thought. But I also don't deserve him.
Freminet didn't go home until he was shivering from the top of his head to the tips of his toes.