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As the last practice of the week wrapped up, Jean tamped down the twinge of panic with a weary sigh. His teammates had been useless today, distracted by their unprecedented winning streak and the upcoming holiday, but Jean still preferred being out on the court with them to his empty apartment. He had to forcibly remind himself he would not be alone this evening.
Everyone else was sharing their own plans while they showered, changed and packed up. A disturbing amount of people were going hiking, and some were even going trekking. Jean could not tell the difference.
“What about you?” Alysia carefully touched Jean with her elbow, probably trying to go for a nudge but still a touch shy of being comfortable in his presence.
This was supposed to be a harmless line of questioning, but Jean knew how even the best of his teammates were always hungry for gossip. For the ‘truth’, as the media had been calling it a couple of years back.
“I have a friend coming to visit,” he forced out.
That made a few people sitting around perk up. Jean was, of course, notoriously, inevitably, undeniably an ex-Raven. They probably thought all the friends he ever had were in the room at the moment. They weren’t completely wrong.
“Kevin?” Jeremy guessed enthusiastically from down the bench.
“Nathaniel?” Rhys inquired at the same time, much more cautiously.
Jean gave a curt nod to the latter and prayed they would leave it at that. At best, they would comment on Nathaniel’s new team and their recent wins and losses or strike up a conversation about major weaknesses in the lineup. At worst, somebody would bring up something Raven related, and Jean didn’t think he could stomach plunging back into that deep black pit after he had been so carefully constructing the following week to be perfect.
People always had an opinion about the Ravens and what they should have done or what should have been done to them (put them down was not an uncommon phrase). That went almost twice for Nathaniel, a Wesninski and a captain of the Ravens for their three most tumultuous years. Jean closed his eyes and forced himself back from the precipice. He needed a distraction, but when he opened his eyes, he saw the world already moving on around him. Jeremy was loudly talking about the mountains he would like to climb. Jean took this as an excuse to lock up most of his gear, pick up his bag and slip out of the locker room.
The gratitude Jean had felt for Jeremy fizzled out of existence as the latter caught up with him near the outer door to the court.
“Jean! Hey!” He was waving and jogging in a way that seemed slower than walking would be. When he came to a stop next to Jean, the bright smile he always had on softened into something more familiar. “Sorry to bother you on the way out.”
“Just say what you want to say.” Jean grumbled, drawing his finger up and down the strap of his bag.
Jeremy faltered, and Jean realized he was preparing for some big considerate speech. Anger from before returned full force, heating his cheeks.
“Jeremy. Just say it.”
“Okay.” Jeremy took a deep breath. “Just wanted to say that if you want to hang out all together, Cat and Laila are coming to visit me, so maybe you and Nathaniel can join.”
Jean humphed, unconvinced.
“And,” Jeremy added more slowly, “Yes, I am worried about you. But not because I think Nathaniel would do anything…” He trailed off so that his statement sounded more like a question in the end.
“Of course he wouldn’t. He is my partner.” Jean immediately argued, trying to shove some other Raven partnership examples he had come to know during the years back into their ‘never think about this’ boxes.
“Good.” Jeremy didn’t seem entirely convinced. They had known each other, Jeremy and Nathaniel. During the years of Nat’s captaincy, they had attended some obligatory events together and even had some conversations on the side, when Nathaniel had been feeling particularly desperate for any sort of advice or guidance. Not that he offered anything of substance, Jean thought unkindly, this sunshine captain.
“It’s just,” Jeremy started again. “I’m just. I worry that it would be difficult for you, to have a reminder of your Raven days so close and not that long ago since... you know.”
“I’ll survive.” Jean replied a little frostily.
“I’m sure.” Jeremy’s gaze was gentle. “As long as you are sure it’s worth it.”
“He is my partner.” Jean said after a moment of silence, slightly annoyed that he had to remind Jeremy again.
“Well, not anymore, right? Not really?” Jeremy cocked his head to the side. “Is he?”
Jean immediately regretted letting another second of silence pass through them as he saw the dawning realization on Jeremy’s face. No matter how close Jeremy was to the truth, there was no way he had all of it. They started to speak at the same time.
“I suppose you wouldn’t-”
“I didn’t mean to-”
“No, I don’t think-”
“Not that it would be-”
“What I would call-”
“It would be totally fine if you, you know-”
Jean stopped first while Jeremy trailed off, unwilling to finish the sentence about something Jean apparently ‘knew’.
“I’m not fucking him.”
“Okay!” Jeremy threw his hands up in surrender. “No problem if you were!”
Jean could have said any number of cruel and stupid things at the moment but in the end, held his tongue. He had lashed out at Jeremy enough already, today and in all the days before. So he settled on giving a nod and turned on his heel to head down to the parking lot.
The worst thing was, there was a grain of truth in the accusations. Jean and Nathaniel had separated months ago on the doorsteps of Edgar Allan university. They didn’t really say goodbye because they didn’t know how to. Not having the other by their side was a cruelty unimaginable even after everything they’d faced in the Nest. Unfortunately, of course, in the end they’d had to face that too. Jean didn’t know what was going to happen when he saw Nathaniel come out of the airport, when he saw him take up space in his city, in his apartment, in his bed. Would he wake up every morning seeing Nathaniel’s face and go back to what he was before? Jean was trying so hard to find a footing here with this new team. What would he do if Nathaniel hadn’t moved on?
Or, equally terrible thought, what would he do if Nathaniel had moved on completely? If it was just a visit out of obligation and Nathaniel actually had no desire to be Jean’s partner anymore? What if he had changed?
What would he do if Nathaniel was sad and Jean couldn’t help? What if he was hurt? What if he wanted Jean to drop his team and transfer to Nathaniel’s? Or to come here and join Jean’s? What if he was unrecognizable? What if he looked more like his father now than in the Nest?
Jean caught his reflection in the window of his car.
Jesus Christ. Shut the fuck up.
His reflection didn’t bother replying.
---
After cleaning up the last bits in the apartment, Jean thought he was as ready as he was ever going to be. However, a quick check with the clock revealed he still had a little bit of time before Nathaniel’s plane landed. Not wanting to lounge around in an airport full of unruly crowds, Jean settled down at the table with his sketchbook. Ten minutes later, he put that away and picked up a book he had been reading. Fifteen minutes after that, he was considering squeezing in a short work-out before leaving.
His mind seemed to be in some sort of conspiracy with his body, grabbing one thought, then letting it go in favor of grabbing another, not sticking with anything for longer than a minute. Jean looked at his phone an unhealthy amount of times. He almost texted Jeremy but didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of being right. Finally, after he caught himself changing the towels in the bathroom because of the color scheme, he forced himself to leave the apartment. He was going to drive slow. He could wait in the airport. It was going to be fine.
During the drive, Jean let himself drift towards the other of his lies to Jeremy. He circled that one like he would a gap in his mouth where a tooth was missing, trying out “I have a tooth. I don’t have a tooth. I have a tooth. I don’t have a tooth,” over and over again.
I’m not fucking him.
The year after they finally got rid of Riko and Nathaniel took over the captaincy was the absolutely worst one in Jean’s life. They had a brief whiff of freedom but at a cost that left them all reeling. It was like someone finally cracked a window open in their prison dungeon and an entire hurricane managed to squeeze through.
They were technically out of the dungeon by then, moved into the official Raven housing. Jean had his own tiny room that he remembered now with maybe only ninety percent of despair. The other ten were reserved for the fondness of sunlight creeping in through the curtains, the small batch of young trees planted in front of his window, and the nights where Nathaniel would sneak into his bed and kiss him until he was raw and aching and on fire.
Like an exposed wire, one of the rookie Ravens had said about Nathaniel that year. They meant what they all always meant, that every brush they had with Nathaniel could be fatal, that he was going to inevitably lose it and hurt someone. It was not a new line of thought when it came to any of the Ravens really. They were all ticking time bombs. Both the public and the Ravens themselves were always at each other’s throats about that, which didn’t really help.
Nathaniel just had the additional Butcher’s son flavor added to his bomb ticking. As his partner, Jean never confronted him about that, not after many nights spent watching Nathaniel wake from nightmares and stare at his hands like they belonged to someone else. But privately, he thought the image fit at least a little bit. Nathaniel’s control over his temper had always been shaky. He could be gentle if he wanted but mostly he was prone to using all the scraps of power, all the resentments and hurts and guilts he had in order to do as much harm as possible. Usually to Riko.
What Nathaniel wanted with Jean, he didn’t really know. They protected each other as well as they could, as their partnership demanded. They got to know each other at their worst, quite inevitable as well, in between cleaning up vomit and stitching up wounds and snarling at each other and every passing shadow. Nathaniel hadn’t even been allowed any weapons when he fucked up one of the Ravens bad enough to bench them for the season – and consequently kick them off the team. It was a pretty impressive feat for somebody the size of a wet rat, and Jean had that particular memory filed away at ‘would like to revisit’.
He tried to never revisit it though. Nowadays, Jean could only recall a couple of things before starting to feel like he was going to throw up. Even that was an improvement. He could call Nathaniel and talk about their teams. He could call Kevin to have the world’s most awkward conversations about Exy. He could put postcards up on his fridge. Some days he could wear all black without thinking about it, and today he had put on clothes in light grey and dark green and not thought about it either.
The only things that passed through his mind filter unimpeded were fragments, some smooth, some jagged, some so small and polished that he could stomach the impact. As he approached the airport, he found himself recalling the pleased curve of Nathaniel’s mouth, the gentle hands carding through his hair, the taste of him in the dip of his collarbone, the pulse point on his wrist, down between his legs. They used to fuck rough and quick too, trying to release all the pent-up tension as efficiently and painlessly as possible. But then Jean would allow himself to pull Nathaniel into his arms and hum a soft melody for him to fall asleep to. That memory, more than any other, had his ears burning red. But Jean couldn’t deny it now – he had always wanted affection. He just had trouble believing that Nathaniel – ferocious in his will to live, lethal even – could feel those same things back towards him. His thoughts drifted towards his current teammates who hugged and touched so openly. He wanted that. He wanted to want that, at least.
When Nathaniel finally appeared through the arrivals gate, it was without fanfare and with only a small duffel bag in his current team colors. Jean felt his heart squeeze at the reminder. Nathaniel had the perpetual dark circles under his eyes that Jean remembered from the Nest but otherwise seemed healthy.
“Hey,” he said, depositing himself in front of Jean.
“Hey,” Jean answered. “Okay flight?”
“Sure.” Nathaniel shrugged with one shoulder. “No one bothered me.”
That was probably as good as it was going to get for any of them.
“Let’s go home?” Jean asked. Nathaniel studied him for a second, his focus a heavy but not unwelcome weight.
“Yes,” he finally said. “Let’s go home.”
---
The first thing Jean discovered was that Nathaniel had gotten much, much louder.
“Fuck!” He screamed, letting go of one of his legs in order to reach for Jean’s shoulder and pull on him. “Fuck it’s so good. Come on..” he trailed off with a whine when Jean had to slow down and readjust as he shifted them around.
Jean inwardly rolled his eyes but obediently increased his pace again, reveling in every little gasp and groan and whine. Nathaniel used to at least try to be quiet, biting his lip and moving as little as possible. This new wildness in him was almost unbearable. Jean let himself feast on his image, the red curls spilling on the pillow, cheeks flushed and eyes half open, just a hint of the startling blue under his heavy lashes. He had filled out, Jean noted with pleasure, a likely result of a better diet and a less stressful environment. Still so much smaller than Jean, but strong, warm, unyielding. All in all, delicious.
Nathaniel’s hand left Jean’s shoulder and trailed up, briefly messing with his hair, to then drop down to cover his face. Jean made a displeased sound in the back of his throat. No response.
“Hey,” he tried again, surprised by how hoarse his voice had gotten.
The arm slipped down a bit and one of Nathaniel’s eyes popped open.
“Don’t cover your face.”
Nathaniel dropped his arm to the side completely and pouted up at Jean.
“Touch my cock?”
“Touch it yourself.” Jean snarled at him, so close now that he felt his control on everything slipping. “I’m busy.”
Nathaniel had the gall to laugh and kept the smile on his face as he closed a fist over his pretty cock, a little unsteady at first and then matching the pace with Jean perfectly. He resumed his nonverbal noises too, and Jean let himself go and focus on his own pleasure as he fucked into Nathaniel. He received no further complaints but at some point Nat wrapped one of his legs around Jean’s back and started moving his body in sync, allowing Jean a different angle from before. It must have felt amazing, Jean thought, watching the smile disappear and Nat’s mouth fall open as his head lolled to the side. He hoped it felt fucking incredible. The pressure inside him was quickly reaching a critical point, and Jean allowed his head to drop down close to his Nat’s, mouth almost on his throat, and groaned as he came. That heat that had ignited deep inside of him spread throughout his body in a blinding flash of pleasure and then ebbed away in gentle rolling waves. His hips stuttered but he kept rocking them lazily until Nathaniel followed him, spilling all over his hand, gasping in French and English and some other nonsensical language nobody would need to understand.
Jean tried to be gentle as he pulled out and rolled off of Nat to collapse at his side. This was something he had missed doing and yet felt so different now. The insidious heat was as familiar as his partner’s face, but Jean and Nathaniel had always reserved these activities for the darkness. Now there was the dimming light of a regular evening and Jean’s dark grey bed sheets and Nathaniel’s little noises. Well. Perhaps Jean had not thought this through.
The little menace lied gasping for all of a minute before starting to squirm. At first he was content to kiss Jean’s jaw, but then he moved on to gently biting Jean’s fingers and then to swirling his own through the come on his stomach and wriggling them in Jean’s face.
“Why are you frowning? Are my bodily fluids offensive to you?” He asked with fake outrage.
Jean shook his head and experimentally licked one finger as it came too close to his mouth. The taste of cooling come was not great but the look on Nathaniel’s face was beyond worth it. Still, he got up in order to clean them both before Nat discovered something more gross he could be doing. His partner bore the cleaning procedure with great dignity (three minutes of complaining) and wrapped himself tightly around Jean afterwards, holding on with all four limbs.
It was only a matter of time until he started moving again or talking about something or other. They would have to get up to make dinner too and then release this day into the void of the past. That was one day with Nathaniel gone, and he had only promised four to Jean. Four days now seemed woefully inadequate – but that was what they had, and Jean was going to try and cherish every single one.
---
Unfortunately, the very next morning Jean was rudely reminded that he and Nathaniel had very different ideas about cherishing the present.
“You can’t be serious.” He whispered in horror.
Nathaniel shrugged, unrepentant. He had stuffed his mouth full of oatmeal and was slowly chewing through it. He didn’t even have a comment about the tiny bit of cinnamon Jean had added.
“Almost no one is around to play, even if they wanted to with a rival team member.”
“Justoosen?” more chewing. “Just us then? We can do some drills? I have some new ones I’ve learned to show you. And maybe some of your teammates will get there eventually. We don’t have to exchange team strategy secrets or anything. And I promise I will shut up for the rest of the week after we’re done.”
I don’t want you to shut up, Jean thought miserably. And I don’t want to play Exy.
He had always envied Kevin’s and Nat’s obsession. They both loved Exy in different ways, but they both loved it. The joy on their faces after learning a particularly difficult drill or executing a complicated pass or achieving a hard-earned victory was always a stab through Jean’s heart. He didn’t really want to kill their joy because there… well, Riko was always there to do that. But he couldn’t help a little bit of resentment that bubbled up every time Kevin talked about Exy. At least Nathaniel seemed to be as pleased to spend time with Jean as he was to be on the court. That was enough. It had to be enough.
He must have been quiet for longer than he thought because when he looked up, Nathaniel was watching him very intently again. Jean both thrived under that weighted stare and hated it viscerally. Sometimes it felt like being a bug studied under the microscope.
“I have some hikes planned, is that not enough physical activity for you, you wretched nuisance?” He asked, emphasizing the words physical activity. Nathaniel shrugged and shoved more oatmeal into his mouth.
“Some museums maybe.” Jean said just to fill the silence. “And my teammates took me out to some food establishments. Maybe we can try some of those.” He continued uncertainly. Walking around looking at nature and art was pretty easy but going out to eat was not one of Jean’s strong points.
“Okay, fine.” Nathaniel agreed finally, lowering his spoon to the now empty plate. “We don’t have to play Exy. Or do anything. We can just…” he waved his arm around at the apartment “hang out.”
“Can we?” Jean raised an eyebrow.
“Yes? Maybe?” Nathaniel gave a long-suffering sigh and scrunched up his nose a little. Jean felt an overwhelming need to squeeze him. “Fine. Maybe we could go for a run.”
That was a little more bearable than Exy but still…
“You were always faster than me though.”
“I could slow down.”
Could you? Jean wondered.
“Even if you did, you would just get more frustrated and even more annoying after.” Jean tapped his fingers on the table, trying to remember what was the first thing he truly liked doing when he first moved here. “We could go to the beach.”
“Hmm.” Nathaniel looked out the window, as if he could see water from their apartment. “Maybe? You… go into water now?”
“No.” Jean refused quickly. “But it looks nice. Feels… big.”
“Like freedom.” Nathaniel added, looking back at him.
Jean nodded. That was exactly what it felt like, looking out at the ocean. He became small and irrelevant in the best way, floating in between the endless sky and the endless sea.
“Great. Let’s go.” Nat hopped down from the chair and practically ran into their bedroom to ruffle through his duffel bag for appropriate clothes. Jean entertained the idea of feeling upset about not being able to lend Nathaniel his but quickly discarded that. Size difference had its own benefits.
He took Nathaniel on the scenic drive first, hoping to communicate the joy of the open road to his partner. Nathaniel was quiet beside him but he sat up a little straighter at the first glimpse of the ocean. They drove down the road that Jean had gone many times before and then slowed down when they began to approach one of his favorite beach spots. It was not completely secluded but it didn’t have the insane crowds of some other popular spots either.
They parked and started walking along the water. Nathaniel periodically crouched down to put his hand in the water to test the temperature, as if it was going to magically warm up in five minutes to allow him to walk in it. Jean enjoyed the view, the deep blue of the water and the clouds with sunlit edges. He felt a peace he hadn’t felt ever before, here with this distant horizon and his partner at his side. He reminded himself he had many days like this in the future. He would get many cloudless nights and cloudy days to admire. He would get to enjoy the sound of rushing water, of wind in the trees, of an approaching storm. He would get to enjoy dinners with his teammates. He would get to have slow mornings with a cup of coffee and bask in the light of the rising sun. He watched Nathaniel for a bit, wondering if he did any those things. The Jean from the Nest had slowly rediscovered what sunlight was like but he had never been allowed to just sit side by side with his partner, and enjoy it in silence. And now he could, and… And…
Nathaniel ran out to pick up some small stones from farther away and now was throwing them into the ocean. The waves were disrupting the process of skipping the stones but Jean still accepted half of them, if only to see who could throw one farther. They played like that with no clear winner for a while, before Nathaniel declared himself a winner and set out again.
Jean’s phone vibrated with the answer to the message he had sent to Jeremy earlier.
Almost there!
Prepare 2b destroyed
(at volleyball)
Nathaniel lit up when Jean mentioned playing although he couldn’t resist pointing out the hypocrisy.
“So it’s a no to Exy but beach volleyball with Knox is fine?”
“I don’t know,” Jean said. “You are a bit too short to play volleyball.”
“You say that about every sport.” Nathaniel complained.
“And? You’ve only proven me wrong once.”
Now the look in Nathaniel’s eyes was hungry.
“Well that won’t do. I know how much you love being proven wrong. Let’s go.”
Turns out neither of them was that good at volleyball. Nathaniel was fast enough to react to a new situation and run to the ball. Jean could serve well and had no problem tipping the ball over to the opponent side. Where they both failed was hitting the ball with strength and precision at the same time – it almost always went off to the side. Jean could feel his frustration starting to build. He could do this with Exy, what was so different here? He could almost hear the “it’s just a game” running through Nathaniel’s head too, but the truth was, no game was just a game to a Raven. The Master had seen to that. Jean managed to pull Nathaniel away from the net after half an hour, claiming exhaustion, and they settled next to someone’s picnic blanket. Nathaniel accepted his water bottle that Jean had been carrying around and hummed thoughtfully as he sipped from it. Jean rubbed his knee where it had started aching again after one too many falls to the sand.
Jeremy chose to plop down next to them at that moment.
“You know you guys can sit on the blankets, right?”
“Yeah.” Nathaniel replied, looking somewhere past Jeremy’s head into the thick crowd of people. Jeremy was not easily deterred.
“Haven’t seen you in a while, Nathaniel. How are you?”
“Fine.”
“How’s the new team?”
“Fine.”
“Yeah? You guys doing alright?”
“You’ve seen the numbers.” Nathaniel’s team was struggling more than Jean’s but they had both made it through to the next round.
“I meant more personally.”
“It’s fine. How’s yours?”
“Great, thank you for asking!”
They continued sniping at each other harmlessly for a bit, asking about different ex-teammates who were now on the other’s team. Nathaniel knew a surprising amount about his new colleagues, given that he only ever mentioned a fellow rookie backliner Matt Boyd in any detail before.
Jean offered his opinion a couple of times but mostly relegated himself to quietly looking at the sea, at Cat and Laila who were now both playing volleyball, and sometimes turning back to compare the two men sitting in front of him. Jeremy – the sunshine, Nathaniel – the sun. Maybe he could have called them his present and his past, but deep down he knew he would never be able to let Nathaniel go. Maybe that was why Jeremy was so worried – not about outright harm, but about Jean being held back. But he wasn’t there, Jean thought, observing his golden face. That thread between Jean and Nathaniel might be holding both of them back but it led them out of the Nest too. Jean would be damned if he ever let it drop.
---
That night, after they cleaned up and then got even messier, after they made rice and chicken for dinner together and got ready for bed, after all that – Nathaniel turned his bug microscope on again.
“What?” Jean asked, annoyed, tired, feeling like he had spent the last couple of days trying to once again put together a puzzle where the pieces fit, only not quite.
“You really don’t want to play Exy?” Nathaniel’s whisper was so serious that Jean honestly felt incapable of reacting normally.
“What?” he repeated stupidly. Nathaniel frowned, probably convinced he should have been understood perfectly. “No. What? You’re still on about Exy? You have Jeremy’s number now if you want to play with my teammates so bad, you little migraine.”
“No.” Nathaniel pronounced slowly. “I meant. You don’t want to play Exy. Like at all?”
Something like dread settled in Jean’s stomach immediately.
“It’s fine. Exy’s fine.” He tried to tamp it down. “I don’t care.”
But it was too late. In that second before Nathaniel nodded and allowed Jean to turn off the lights he saw it – the considering look, the stubborn set of his jaw. A flash of an exposed wire. Nathaniel had made a pretty simple deal with Ichirou Moriyama, back when Riko had still been the reigning king in Evermore. He would get the Ravens through with as little media backlash as possible, but only if he was allowed some power over the team from earlier on. That necessitated Riko being muzzled, Kevin set free and Jean protected. He had never asked Nathaniel about the finer details of the deal, or the dynamics between Wesninski and Moriyama families, or even what it took for Nathaniel to stand in front of the future Lord Moriyama and negotiate. He had focused on the aftermath of Nathaniel trying to captain their vicious, cruel team, helping wrap bandages around their bruised hands even as he struggled with the desire to break them.
Jean didn’t really believe Nathaniel could negotiate total freedom for any of them. But even the thought about the potential of it was life-changing. Jean hated himself for feeling lost at the prospect just as much as he hated himself for feeling exhilarated about it. What would his life be, without Exy? Without his team? Without the Moriyama leash around his neck, without his partner’s hand in his own? Completely unmoored. Who would he be? Not Jean Moreau, certainly.
He reached out for Nathaniel, brushing the hem of his t-shirt that was sticking out of his pajama pants. Nathaniel startled a little then obediently rolled over and propped his head on his hand to look at Jean. His features and coloring were washed out by the darkness, and Jean found himself idly missing his blue eyes. He looked back at Nathaniel in silence, finally the one allowed to stare and study. He loved Nathaniel with all his heart, such as it was, but he couldn’t fool himself into thinking that he knew what his partner was really capable of.
I know you, he whispered soundlessly, I don’t know you. I know you. I don’t know you.
He repeated the two phrases inside his head over and over until finally Nathaniel leaned down and kissed his thoughts quiet.